Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Van Damme Blowout

(Thanks to Twitchfilm.com for all the great news!)

Jesus fuck, Van Damme is a busy guy!

He was recently in Kung Fu Panda 2, The Eagle Path; which he directed, is coming out this October, he’s got another Universal Soldier movie in the works, (supposedly co-starring Dolph Lundgren, Scott Adkins and Michael Jai White) and let’s not forget that he recently starred in perhaps the MANLIEST, and most thought provoking beer commercials of all time:

Aside from all of that however, The Van Daminator also happens to have another movie with Scott Adkins in the works called Assassination Games.

Lame title, but pretty much every other vaguely action-like word has likely already been used in conjunction with the title “Assassination” at this point.

Anyway, as seems to be the case with every Scott Adkins movie, I’m excited, but ultimately know the movie is going to suck.

As talented as the man is at hitting people, his filmography speaks for itself.

And no, The Bourne Ultimatum doesn’t count, as all he did in that was hold a gun and look constipated.

Regardless, I’ll likely pick up a copy of it just to see the (numerous) scenes in which people get kicked in the head.

Trailer and Twitch article here, as well as embedded below:

The other movie that Van Damme’s got on the docket as of now, is a Russian comedy by the name of “Napoleon Kaput,” or at least whatever the Russian equivalent to those 2 words happens to be.

Truth be told, the trailer gives me the impression that The Muscles from Brussels only has a cameo in the movie, but regardless; it looks kind of a fun in a brainless sort of way.

It does put a smile on my face to see IMDB list him as playing “himself” though.

Trailer and Twitch article here, as well as embedded below:

On a side note, am I the only one that got a Napoleonic To Wong Foo vibe from this trailer?

Jus’ sayin’, there seems to be an awful lot of cross-dressing in this movie; though without the Swayze Factor it can’t possibly be half as good.

Anyway, that’s all for tonight!

Jesus fuck Snipes! Did you really have to pick the tightest dress they had!?

Advertisements

Filed under: Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bo Jackson CANNOT BE STOPPED.

BEAST.

Anybody who’s anybody remembers Tecmo Bowl on the NES.

Still played competitively among videogame dorks and football fans alike, Tecmo Bowl serves as perhaps the most enduring sports game of all time.

While the gameplay was rock solid, in a cartoony NFL Blitz sort of way; the one thing I remember best about Tecmo Bowl (besides the awesome music) has always been the highly detailed “cinema sequences” that would play out every time something big happened in the game.

Unfortunately, during any sort of 2 player competitive play, this was just about the only one of those “cinemas” that would ever play:

BEEEAAAASSSSTTT!!!!

Sadly, the absolute coolest feature of Tecmo Bowl, that of being able to take control of legendary L.A. Raiders running back Bo Jackson; was exactly what made the game utterly impossible to play with a friend.

Believe me when I tell you, much blood was spilled, and many friendships shattered over deciding who would get to pick the Raiders, and thusly win the game.

I know what you’re thinking:

“How could one guy ruin the competitive nature of an entire game?”

Well, apparently you haven’t seen “Tecmo Bo” in action before, as had you any prior experience in seeing the man-BEAST do his thing; you wouldn’t have asked such a mind-bogglingly stupid question.

Simply put, Bo Jackson is the Uber Beast of all Uber Beasts in Tecmo Bowl.

I don’t know if “Tecmo Bo” was supposed to be some sort of Terminator clone of Bo Jackson, but regardless; the man moves faster than Satan driving a turbo Lotus, and on the off chance he does get tackled, the man simply CANNOT. BE. STOPPED.

I’m convinced Tecmo Bowl should’ve shipped with a subtitle.

Namely that of:


Hell, even that seems to subtle if you ask me…

Anyway, given that there are a lot of us out there who are fearful of how to derive meaning from their daily lives without pro-football to provide escapism/reasons to drink and be rowdy this September, I figured I’d take a moment to remind everyone of the fine art of video-football in the 8-bit era.

That being, behold the majesty that is “Tecmo Bo”:

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , ,

Summon Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s 2×4 Of Freedom!


I’ve always had a soft spot for Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

The man was never the best of wrestlers, nor was he possessed of one of the more memorable personalities in the business; but at the end of the day, it’s hard to deny the fact that the man had a pretty solid gimmick.

At a time when our nation was still wrought with fear over the threat of nuclear war and other such Red Dawn-y scenarios as instigated by the USSR, Jim Duggan was positioned as a blue-collar Captain America of sorts.

I think I just photoshop-ed the most awesome thing ever.

He didn’t have an imposing body-builder’s physique, and he certainly wasn’t handsome, but when he’d march down the ramp waving the stars and stripes with unwavering enthusiasm, the crowd was instantly his.

Though the strength of this gimmick is indeed shaky at best, especially nowadays; it makes me happy to know that, for a time, people were willing to forgo their cynicism and support the big ugly caveman and his flag-waving antics.

While the Captain America gimmick would eventually get snatched away, and improved upon; by Hulk Hogan, Jim Duggan’s other, perhaps more notable gimmick, was his 2×4.

For the life of me, I no idea why a slab of wood was Hacksaw’s weapon/gimmick of choice, but to his credit, it fuckin’ worked.

Seriously man, despite having virtually no interest in him other than his propensity for running around yelling “HOOOOOOOOO!!!” at the top of his lungs, in my youth that goddamn 2×4 proved to be more than enough to make me like the guy.

Hell, somewhere in my basement I still have my brother’s old Jim Duggan action figure, complete with miniature 2×4.

Yep, that's the one.

Anyway, no article about Jim Duggan is complete without mention of his EPIC theme music, so I figure I’ll just embed it below and let it do the talking for me:

 

 

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

DC Reboot Rage

As some of you may know, DC recently announced a massive reboot project across all of their major superhero comics.

As of writing this, the publisher is currently in the process of wrapping up all of their current story arcs/threads in preparation for said reboot; making it abundantly clear that they really are crazy enough to deploy the history eraser button on all of their beloved characters and storylines up to this point.

Well, remember how I said this all didn’t bother me all that much?

The image above represents the official redesigns for the Justice League in DC’s new era of comics, and by golly; I think it looks like hot garbage.

For the life of me I just can’t understand why everyone either looks like they’re wearing power armor, or in the case of Wonder Woman; just plain look like space-hookers.

Space-hookers with exposed torso musculature…

Looks like someone ran afoul of a Cenobite...

The old-fashioned designs and costumes may have been kind of dorky by today’s standards, but they had a quiet elegance about them that made them special.

Jack Kirby’s mastery of lines and patterns gave birth to untold numbers of classic and enduring designs, not through the use of extraneous detail and intricacy, but through simplicity.

Every line was calculated and purposeful. ART.

Such is the talent of many of the best pencil and ink artists:

The ability to convey strength and meaning behind the simplest of lines and angles.

It’s called refinement, and it’s something that is sorely lacking in DC’s reboot designs.

Everywhere I look on these designs, I see lines and ornaments that contribute nothing to the strength or symbol of their characters.

What the fuck is up with the gaudy-ass belts!?

How the fuck does everyone move in their tortoise shell power armor!?

How the fuck does Wonder Woman not cut her tits on her pointy-ass bustier!?

Aquaman looks alright with his new fins and pretty boy haircut, and Cyborg looks appropriate enough given that he’s the only character in the roster that actually is supposed to be wearing power armor; (and was apparently put front and center for this graphic for the sole purpose of representing the black demographic) but everyone else just sort of looks like an aborted concept car design transposed onto a superhero.

Pictured: Batman, as designed by Lexus.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I was always fine with viewing Superman and Batman as being a couple of dudes wearing tights.

I know Batman was technically always supposed to be wearing a high-tech suit of pseud0-armor, but the fact of the matter is, unless otherwise stated in the context of the comics, superhero costumes have typically been depicted as being crafted from some imaginary fabric/material that adheres, not to the laws of physics; but to the pencil of the artists.

All I see when I look at these new designs, is a bunch of dudes in skin-tight armor plating.

SUPERMAN, the Jesus metaphor/Man of Steel is wearing ARMOR.

The Flash’s boots look like ski boots by Nerf.

Batman looks more like Owl Man from Crisis on Two Earths than he does THE GODDAMN BATMAN.

Pictured: THE GODDAMN BATMAN.

Wonder Woman looks like a pirate space-hooker.

Green Lantern looks… Relatively the same, just with hideous 90’s shoulder pads.

And everybody’s belts look truly, truly, truly outrageous.

To say I am disappointed in these designs does not even begin to scratch the surface.

I feel like we’re well on our way to falling right back into the 90’s era of comic art.

Hell, if movies, TV, comics, and pretty much every other part of American pop-culture right now is any indication; I think it’s pretty much guaranteed that Rob Liefeld shoulder pads and pouches are poised for a major comeback…

Oh well, here’s hoping DC pussies out and doesn’t press the button:

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Got Bored. Made T-Shirt.


As the heading of this post would suggest, I did in fact get bored, and yes; I did “design” the pseud0-artistic mess you see above.

I really don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to put this one together, but one thing’s for sure; I probably won’t be printing it anytime soon.

If I were to somehow become successful or some shit, then yeah; I could see myself printing off a few of these for fun, but until then, this is just a stupid “art” project that took far too long to complete.

Maybe I’ll print one just for myself, y’know; as a conversation piece.

If you know me, don’t worry, I won’t expect you to take photos of yourself wearing one of these on or anything.

I will however ask you to not laugh at me if for whatever reason I happen to wear one out in public.

Anyway, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t steal my “art” and what not, though I totally understand if you want to be a douche-rocket that profits from other people’s hard work.

Check back tomorrow, maybe I’ll write something for a change.

 

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , ,

Remember When Kane Got Flamethrower-ed?

It’s funny, when I first started writing this post, (5 minutes ago) I actually had never seen the clip above.

Honestly, I felt kind of bad knowing that I missed this one back in ’99.

Hell, it’s not every day Triple H throws on a Goldust costume and flamethrowers the shit out of Kane.

Is it wrong that the likelihood of someone, that wasn’t Dustin Rhodes; donning a Goldust costume was actually less than the chances of someone chucking fire in the face of their opponent during the Attitude Era?


God I love The King’s girly scream in that clip…

Bullshit aside, the really funny part about this article, is the fact that I actually have memories (but sadly no clips…) of a different incident in which someone took a flamethrower to Kane’s face.

You see, I remember an instance when X-Pac, at the time a tag partner with Kane; betrayed the big-red-retard and ambushed him on the ramp with a flamethrower.

I know Kane’s whole gimmick was based around him having been burned/deformed in the past, but to know that the man had flames tossed in his face on no less than 2 separate occasions in the ring just seems kind of silly.

Hell, just the idea of anyone getting flamethrower-ed in a pro-wrestling match seems just a little over-the-top.

“Over-the-top” in the super awesome, ratings snatching kind of way, mind you.

Oh well, I guess I was just spoiled by growing up with the wrestling I did…

Why The Attitude Era of Wrestling Was Great: FLAMETHROWERS

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Unfortunate Animal Names: Blue Tit


Before anyone asks, yes; I am familiar with the Booby.

For those that are unaware, the Booby is a goofy looking seabird known for it’s equally goofy behavior.

The way I see it, any bird that is known to randomly break into dancing fits when horny, and has a bad habit of being easier to catch and kill than a Dodo; deserves the name Booby.

Pictured: A Dumb-Looking Bird That Was Actually Dumber Than It Looked.

I think it goes without saying, being called a boob is not a term of endearment.

That being said, our unfortunately named animal of the day is the diminutive little birdy called the Blue Tit.

Now, I don’t know about you, but when I hear the name “Blue Tit,” the first thing that comes to mind is of course… Tom Sizemore.

That's not a loving embrace... That's a one-armed chokehold.

I know it’s seriously un-PC of me to say it, but when it comes to imagery of bruised boobies and/or domestic abuse, I can’t help but picture Tom Sizemore being… Well, Tom Sizemore.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually happen to like the man’s acting, but the man has a reputation for treating women the way his Sgt. Horvath character handled the Nazis in Saving Private Ryan.

To be fair, there are worse names than the Blue Tit in the animal kingdom; but in my eyes, any bird that is forced to be associated with the greasy, volatile bastard that is Tom Sizemore; has it’s work cut out for it when it comes to finding a fan base.

I fuckin’ hate birds…

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Killer Elite: A Movie About Mustaches And Hitting.

I’ve never seen Sam Peckinpah’s The Killer Elite.

I have a great appreciation for the director’s work, in particular The Wild Bunch and The Getaway; but for whatever reason I just never got around to watching it.

Despite this, The Killer Elite was a film that had a surprising amount of presence in my youth, entirely in the form of my dad telling me about it all the fuckin’ time.

He made it sound pretty cool, always making sure to point out how graphic the violence was for the era; a trademark of Peckinpah’s style.

The funny part is, my dad’s taste in movies has proven to be more than a little hit and miss over the years, so in all honesty; I really don’t know if The Killer Elite was actually a good movie, or just one that he remembered being good.

Below is an example of a film my dad remembered being quite a bit better than it actually was:

Anyway, as you might have guessed, given the ongoing trend of Hollywood, and the very recent trend in Jason Statham’s career; The Killer Elite is getting the remake treatment, though for whatever reason the “The” in the title has been axed.

Oh well, at least they didn’t “streamline” the title down to an acronym or some shit.

Don’t even try to tell me Mtn Dew, The Hut, and Syfy were good ideas.

Pictured: FAIL on wheels.

Fuckin’ rebranding bullshit…

*ANYWAY* from what I can tell from the trailer, the movie involves a 70’s porno-stached Clive Owen wanting to kidnap/kill/have kinky bondage sex with Jason Statham, and in-between it all Robert De Niro gets dragged into things and mayhem ensues.

While the remake will no doubt have difficulty measuring up to the original, but in terms of straight-up mindless fun factor; I’d like to think it looks pretty solid.

Think about it:

You have Jason Statham hitting people.

You have Clive Owen and his dirty mustache hitting people.

And to top it all off, you have an aging Robert De Niro going all Liam Neeson/Mel Gibson on people.

The only thing that could make it better is if everybody in the cast had dirty porno staches.

I wouldn’t count on that happening, but one can hope…

I’ve always said that any film that features Liam Neeson punching someone is worth my time, (Gangs of New York being the sole exception) and while Bobbie D isn’t at all an analogue for the lanky Irishman; truth be told I think the novelty actually carries more weight given the awesomeness of the man that is Bobbie D.

If Bobbie D can do half of the above, I will be satisfied with Killer Elite.

Truth be told, if the movie ends up being little more than a handful of people shooting at and punching each other, I honestly wouldn’t mind.

Action movies tend to get cluttered these days with melodrama and extraneous ancillary characters, which is part of why I think old fashioned manhunt/man vs. man movies will always hold a certain degree of appeal.

A big dumb action movie need not have an epic “save the world” plot.

Sometimes all you need is a handful of people with beef, and a story that lets them do horrible things to each for 2 hours.

Anyway, this one is probably going to suck hard, and barely make a splash at the box-office; but truth be told, I might go see it.

Hell, it’s not every day you get to see Bobbie D beat the shit out of someone with his bare hands.

Most of the time he prefers to use a Mag Lite:

Note: Heat is an awesome movie that features Mag Lite on Man violence.

Filed under: Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Unfortunate Animal Names: Flat-Headed Cat


Before anyone asks, “yes,” I am a cat guy.

I know it’s kind of bizarro-masculine to be a dude that likes cats, (especially as much as I do) but like Popeye says, I ‘yam what I ‘yam.

That’s not to say I hate dogs or anything, it’s just that I had some bad experiences with dogs in my youth, and so I’ve always been a little weary around them.

I don’t like the energy of some of the bigger and more energetic breeds of dogs.

I don’t like how you can look them in the eye all you want and never have a clue of what they’re thinking.

Cat’s tend to have an air of “not giving a fuck,” but even so I appreciate their (generally) more docile and self-sufficient nature.

Which brings us to our unfortunately named animal of the day, the Flat-Headed Cat.

I know it’s name is supposed to be a straightforward indication of it’s skull structure, but even so; Flat Head is a pretty lame-ass name for an animal, let alone a cat.

Seriously man, it’s like the thing was named by a bratty little 5 year old or some shit.

My guess is, the zoologist in charge of naming the damn thing had the bright idea of letting his (dumbass) kid name it.

Chances are the kid suggested things like “block headed” or “fat headed” or “poop faced” cat; all of which would’ve been perfectly acceptable by my standards, but admittedly very much unfortunate in their own right.

The point is, the name “Flat-Headed Cat” is just plain boring, not to mention more than a little pathetic.

Think about it, it’s like saying there was nothing else about the animal that was distinctive or noteworthy enough to name it by.

How about naming it after the region it was discovered in?

How about naming it for an aspect of it’s behavior or diet?

Or I don’t know, how about naming it after the person who discovered it?

Thanks to my Zoobooks collection, I know a thing or 2 about what makes the Flat-Headed Cat much more than just a kitty with a flat head; but apparently the people who named the damn thing didn’t give 2 shits about putting any of that information to good use.

*Sigh* Oh well, apparently not all zoologists care as much about cats as I do…

The Origin of The Flat-Headed Cat:

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , ,

Blog Every Day…

Image courtesy Anothersunnymorning.wordpress.com

Now before you get all excited thinking I finally got my shit together and put forth the time and effort to craft the image you see above, please note that this image is a gift from a close friend of mine over at Another Sunny Morning.

It’s a stunning likeness if I do say so myself, though this marks the second portrait of me the man’s made where I’m donning a wife-beater.

Funny, given that I almost never wear wife-beaters, and even then mine are black.

Oh well, maybe I just seem like a wife-beater wearin’ kind of guy to some people…

As part of an ongoing daily project, my buddies’ been making a legitimate piece of art every day, which given the pressures of having to find artistic inspiration every day; resulted in him making goofy pictures of people he knows doing goofy (yet somehow appropriate) things.

Anyway, he gave me the okay to use the image above if ever I felt the need to take “lazy day” on my blog, and wouldn’t you know; I’m cashing it in the same day he sent it to me.

That being said, sorry again for all the lazy posts; consider this one a great big “sigh” on my part.

Luckily I have friends to do my blogging for me when I’ve got nothing in the pipe.

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Donate