The above is a video a friend of mine DEMANDED I put together for him.
As you can plainly tell, I spent barely 5 minutes doing so.
That’s just plain fucked up.
December 14, 2011 • 10:47 PM 1
The above is a video a friend of mine DEMANDED I put together for him.
As you can plainly tell, I spent barely 5 minutes doing so.
That’s just plain fucked up.
September 11, 2011 • 8:28 PM 2
To me, the difficulty of fight with Beowulf stemmed not just from the challenges presented by the gameplay of that segment, by also by the psychological stress the battle places on you, the player.
Now, I consider myself a particularly seasoned gamer, so whenever a videogame is able to genuinely cause me stress, and not just anger or annoyance; it tends to stand out to me as something special.
Such is the reason the battle with Beowulf stood out to me as both an incredibly difficult and exhilarating fight entirely worthy of The Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights.
On that same note, today’s boss just happens to have earned their spot in much the same fashion as Beowulf.
As chatty as he is dangerous, the #5 entrant on our list of the Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights is:
Announcing his presence with a Jack and the Beanstalk-esque “Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum!” of sorts, the arrival of Sinistar at the end of each level in the game of the same name is one of those moments in gaming that, though it may seem ho hum by today’s standards; will live on forever as a classic of it’s time.
Sinistar’s hilariously minimalist taunts and battle cries will likely live on forever, however it’s easy to forget that, as fun as it could be when you were winning; the game was hard as fuck.
A classic twitch shooter through and through, Sinistar was one of those mean-ass arcade games that would bait you into thinking it wasn’t all that tough, only to stomp the ever loving shit out of you by level 2.
Be it Centipede, Missile Command or Robotron, arcade games of the early 80’s, and indeed throughout much of the history of arcade machines thrived on inviting players in win the promise of a fun first level, only to drop the hammer and crush them just a few stages down the road.
I’m guessing this was supposed to trigger a “What the fuck? Let’s try this again…” psychological response in the players or something.
Things were different back then.
It was a lot easier to justify pumping money into a machine for a few minutes of fun when few people owned consoles of their own, not to mention the fact that the home systems weren’t capable of the graphical sophistication presented by arcade machines of the time.
History lesson aside, Sinistar was entirely guilty of the gameplay model mentioned above.
It was pretty easy in the first level, but holy Ewoks and graham crackers brother, you gotta’ be a motherfuckin’ pinball wizard to get much further than that!
The boss of the game, Sinistar; being largely responsible for said nut-crushing difficulty.
Fighting Sinistar is not what you’d call a “fight” in the traditional sense.
Up until his arrival, you spend your time in the game piloting your star fighter, shooting the occasional enemy, and, quite literally; shaking down asteroids for “Sinibombs” and crystals.
The gameplay during this phase of the game, at least during some of the earlier stages; is actually kind of eerie in terms of how quiet and relaxed it can be.
Like many arcade games of the day, the game features no music during play, resulting in a unnerving silence in between the occasional laser or explosion sound effect.
Don’t let my overly romanticized descriptions fool you, this phase of the game is merely the calm before the storm.
Allow me to paint for you, a picture (in words) of how a typical fight with Sinistar goes down:
As you’re collecting shit out in space, at some point you’ll likely notice the enemy ships zipping about and snagging crystals before you can get to them.
For whatever reason they aren’t trying to shoot you down…. For what purpose could they be gathering the crystals for?
As this process continues for a time, it will likely dawn on you that those little ships are up to something…
Just as you’re starting to put the pieces of the puzzle together in your mind, suddenly a horrifying call resonates from the void of space, shooting shivers down your spine and dookie out your poop-hole.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
The ravenous space-beast Sinistar has arrived!
His hunger knows no bounds!
He dares you to run, as it is truly your only option in the face of such a beast!
Moreover, he is Sinistar, and he lives!
From the time the hunting call sounds, precious few seconds remain before the great gray beast comes into view and gives chase.
Innumerable questions come flooding into your mind with the utmost urgency:
Should I go out looking for Sinistar, or let him come to me?
Do I have enough Sinibombs to kill him?
Eventually, all questioning and speculation goes out the window as the mighty Sinistar rears his demonic head and cuts a swath through the flotsam of the cosmos, bellowing insults and taunts at every turn!
You juke left!
You juke right!
And all the while Sinistar follows close behind!
In your panic, your fingers trace their way across the surface of the arcade cabinet in search of the one weapon, the one source of sanctuary that can hope to save you from the advance of Sinistar:
The Sinibomb button.
You mash on the button again and again, scattering scores of Sinibombs into the massive face of Sinistar!
With every impact the great beast howls in pain, delivering a shock to your nerves, and a morbid sense of satisfaction…
Bomb after bomb makes it’s mark and your confidence begins to build.
13 direct hits are all that are needed to fell the space monster, could victory be within reach?
You depress the Sinibomb button one last time only to realize:
You’re out of ammo.
The gray space leviathan follows close behind without any semblance of fear across it’s battered, mechanical visage.
In a desperate bid for survival, you begin making attempts to rebuild your ammo supply, carefully skirting asteroids while slowly giving ground to the rapidly encroaching Sinistar.
You juke left!
You juke right!
And just before you recover the last Sinibomb you need to finish the monster pursuing you, it happens:
You accidentally bump an asteroid, Sinistar slams into your ship and crushes it in his terrible maw; sending fiery chunks of debris out into every corner of space.
Such is the ordeal that is fighting Sinistar.
The actual procedure is little more than a fairly straightforward chase, however due to the panic-inducing presence of the boss in question, coupled with the variables of the level construction, (I.E. enemy ships, asteroids) the difficulty piles up very quickly.
If that’s not Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights material, I don’t know what is.
Oh yeah, after all my fanciful storytelling I guess you deserve a look at what the actual battle with Sinistar looks like in-game:
August 31, 2011 • 7:45 PM 3
George Lucas was, at one point in time; a visionary.
Said “point” in time lasted about 5 minutes.
Through films like THX 1138, the man demonstrated his eye for visuals; as well as his weakness in the areas of narrative and storytelling.
Given the ludicrous number of references to pre-existing films that are featured in the Star Wars films, it’s tough to say just how legit the man’s creativity was, but that’s not the subject of today’s article and I’d prefer not to get into to it for the sake of avoiding the inevitable case of carpal tunnel that would likely emerge if I were to attempt to address such an issue at length.
*AHEM!* That being said, despite all the wonderful franchises and stories that George Lucas has given us over the years, ever since the release of the Star Wars Special Edition series in the late 90’s, there’s been a recurring theme of “control freak-ery” regarding Mr. Lucas.
With seemingly every successive release of the Star Wars series (of which there have been many) numerous tweaks have been made, ranging from the major to the infinitesimal in regards to their impact on the overall package.
With the impending release of the Star Wars series on blu ray, (as well as the upcoming 3-D theatrical re-re-releases) it has been confirmed that more minor tweaks are on the horizon.
Aside from R2-D2 hiding behind rocks that are physically impassible given his proportions, and Yoda being changed to a CGI character in Episode I, (a change I think is actually for the better) the one of these changes that stuck out the most to me, was that of the audio for Obi-Wan’s Krayt Dragon cry that he used to scare off the Tusken Raiders in Episode IV.
In my mind, the original audio had him sounding like a high pitched fire alarm mixed with a Dewback call.
Given, that’s just me going by memory, as it’s been a few years since I’ve seen A New Hope.
Anyway, this new version of Obi-Wan’s scream, sounds just plain weird to me:
I guess Lucas wanted to change it because, let’s face it; despite the series’ unbelievable sound design, Obi-Wan’s yell did indeed sound like a mish-mash of familiar elements, but even so; this sounds just plain odd to me.
It’s like the audio sounds too crisp for the video or some shit.
Oh yeah, and don’t pretend for a minute that it doesn’t remind you of this:
August 24, 2011 • 7:42 PM 1
Let’s get one thing out of the way before we start this review:
I liked it A lOT.
To that end, everything I know (and love) of Conan has been culled from the Arnold movies, and the Conan the Adventurer cartoon series.
Fuckin’ loved that show…
*ANYWAY* while the examples of Conan that I’ve experienced may not be the most traditional, they’re all I have; and frankly, I don’t mind that.
Which brings us to the 2011 film version of Conan, the oddly titled reboot/retread; Conan the Barbarian, henceforth referred to as Conan the Hawaiian.
To be perfectly frank, Conan the Hawaiian honestly felt like a double-length episode of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, both in terms of plotting and tone.
Aside from the names of the locations, the origin story prologue, and maybe some of the characters; much of Conan the Hawaiian’s plot could easily have been transposed onto another generic sword and sandals flick with virtually the same degree of success.
Indeed, had the Conan name not been attached to this movie; for all intents and purposes, I likely would not have bothered to go see it.
Such is the power of licensing and iconography.
Despite all this, I came into the film with fairly realistic expectations.
I would never expect a movie called Conan the Hawaiian to have brilliant writing, nor any degree of complex storytelling in it’s plotting.
For the most part, I just had my fingers crossed for a hefty dose of tasty sword related violence, and a decent performance from the lead actor, Jason Momoa.
Conan the Hawaiian delivered (with varying degrees of success) on both of my expectations for it, so why then is my opinion of the film so negative?
I think it has something to do with the inescapable elements of cheapness that are evident when watching the film.
For instance, do you want to know how you can tell a movie is cheap, even when it’s props and CGI backdrops are of decent quality?
When the film takes place in about a dozen locations, all of which are represented from afar by a CGI matte painting, and in the interior by a dining room sized sound stage.
Few things are more irksome in a fantasy film than being teased by the promise of cool cities n’shit, only to have the interior of said cities be represented by a SINGLE FUCKING ROOM.
Despite this minor quibble, one thing that I have to commend Conan the Hawaiian for; is the fact that it represents one of the rare cases when a shitty movie both acknowledges and revels in it’s shittiness.
As mentioned earlier, Conan the Hawaiian’s plot is pretty lame, not even as complex or engaging as The Scorpion King, (which is a better movie, in case you’re wondering) however one of it’s greatest strengths is the fact that it never attempts to be.
To my surprise, Conan the Hawaiian’s running time is largely dominated by action sequences, leaving little room for cheesy plot or equally cheesy dialogue from what I’d assume was it’s 5 page script.
The action/fighting is executed with some degree of competence, and it’s indeed quite bloody; however in my opinion the goryness of the violence could’ve been dialed up just a notch or 2 for effect.
Watching anonymous bad guys get cut down left and right every 5 minutes is fun and all, but it’s a lot more fun when said instances of cutting are unique and memorable.
I’m just saying, I personally would’ve appreciated a disemboweling or de-limbing here and there to spice things up.
On that same note though, another gripe I had about the film was the fact that, early on we are teased by the villain possessing an honor guard of sorts, an elite cadre of unique villains who all participated in fucking over Hawaiian Conan at the beginning of the film.
By showing us these characters, and how they figure into Hawaiian Conan’s revenge plot, the movie makes a promise that we’ll see all of these characters meet their fate ala Shurayukihime, Kill Bill, and Conan the Barbarian.
While this does in fact happen, very little care is placed in how each of these characters are dealt with.
In fact, I only remember 2 of the characters receiving names, one of which bears a rather alarming resemblance to one of the other nameless honor guardsmen.
It’s a minor gripe, but it pains me to see a film like this, that has so little going for it in terms of plot; sweep away it’s own breadcrumbs though clumsily eliminating potentially interesting characters with little to no fanfare.
Gripes aside, the one element of the action that I can’t knock at all, was Jason Momoa’s swordplay.
Watching a man of Momoa’s size handle a sword with such grace is truly a sight to behold.
Indeed, he and Stephen Lang’s pair of duels in the film are very much the highlight of the film.
While I’m on the subject of Momoa, it pains me to say that his acting performance was kind of “meh,” though on the plus side; it’s hard to deny that his physical presence is the sort that can largely make up for that.
I think the problem with Momoa’s acting in the role of Conan, is the fact that the temperment of the character, at least in this film; doesn’t seem to fit him.
Bale does great as Bruce Wayne, and indeed looks the part of Batman, however something about the Batman voice and attitude just doesn’t work.
Momoa has these problems as Conan.
Everything seems to fit pretty well in his quieter and more contemplative moments, though whenever he’s supposed to put on his mean face and get all savage, his voice sounds forced and just doesn’t work for me.
On a side note, Leo Howard, the kid that played the young Conan; was probably the strongest performance in the whole movie.
Seriously man, that kid was a BEAST.
Moving on, despite having some decent actors involved, most of the performances in Conan the Hawaiian feel largely phoned-in.
Stephen Lang’s role as the villain is a little bit more complex than you’d expect given his motivations, however the paltry script affords him very little opportunities to flex his acting muscles or chew scenery.
For fuck’s sake, I can recall an instance when Lang is in battle in Conan and declares:
“I don’t like YOU!”
You’re the fuckin’ “last boss” of the movie, and that’s your big menacing one-liner?
Anyway, Rose McGowan’s turn as Lang’s creepy-ass daughter had some thought put into it, though it came across as being hammy in the bad way.
The bad way as in Sci-Fi Channel, “bad way.”
She does what she can to play to the morbid nature of her character, as well as her bizarre wardrobe, however at the end of the day she comes across as a shlocky villain in the tradition of The Baroness or Evil-Lyn.
Oh yeah, Ron Perlman was in this movie too.
… That’s about all I have to say about that.
Anyway, Conan the Hawaiian wasn’t a horrible movie, especially if you’re purely in the mood for blood and boobs; however it’s largely uninspired and more than a little cheap.
I will say this though:
In terms of pure entertainment value, it’s better than Cowboys & Aliens.
July 8, 2011 • 8:12 PM 5
I’m a lover of movie scores.
Something about the way movie soundtracks are arranged just makes the music stand out to me as something special.
I’ve always liked the “big” sound of an orchestra, but the one reason I rarely listen to classical music; is because I have trouble drawing emotion from it.
Movie soundtracks are typically composed with the intent of harmonizing with the visuals they accompany, and in many cases; one simply would not be the same without the other.
I’ve always made it a point to pay attention to the music in films, and doing so has resulted in me seeking out a vast library of movie soundtracks.
Seeing as this is me we’re talking about, it should come as no surprise that the vast majority of these soundtracks are dumb action movies, kung fu movies, and/or old cartoons.
Nerd-gasm aside, while it’s hardly the best soundtrack I’ve ever heard, I feel I need to point out that, from the 14 minute sample I’ve heard of it; Captain America The First Avenger sounds pretty damn good so far.
Composed by industry legend Alan Silvestri, the Captain America soundtrack makes great use of his signature sound, both old and new.
On the “old” front, Captain America has some marches and cadences that borrow somewhat from Silvestri’s work on Predator, while the “new” aspect of the music, primarily the more uppity synthesized segments; draws comparisons to the composer’s work on Van Helsing.
Yes, I am aware Van Helsing was an epicly shitty movie; however few can deny the soundtrack had it’s moments.
The movie, sadly; did not.
Boasting a bombastic, and appropriately militaristic feel; the soundtrack sports Silvestri’s trademark heavy brass, but also makes subtle use of synthesizers; such that end result feels very much like a period piece, but with the energy of a modern summer blockbuster.
The 14 minute sample I was fortunate to get a chance to listen to contained several arrangements of a few different cues, one that I feel comfortable assuming was one of the central themes of the film; and one that had to have been an action cue.
Curiously enough, parts of it feel kind of like The A-Team theme, (minus the BADASS electric guitar solo) which Alan Silvestri recently remixed for the feature film adaptation:
Really now, did I seriously need an excuse to embed that clip?
Didn’t think so.
Anyway, truth be told the “theme” feels kind of weak when compared to the greats of the past, however it’s far stronger than Patrick Doyle’s work on Thor, which in my eyes was one of the summer’s biggest missed opportunities for producing a great action movie soundtrack.
That’s not to say the Captain America “theme” is all that great, it’s not; it’s merely good.
I think it’s biggest weakness is that it comes across as somewhat generic, largely because it’s “militaristic feel” overshadows the fact that it’s supposed to be the theme music for an individual.
When I listen to the “theme,” I get images of Americana and WWII stuff, but sadly I don’t get any pictures of Cap’ wearing his goofy blue costume.
Not that I have any idea of how one would compose music to convey such imagery in the first place.
Wow, that brought back some memories… Mostly bad.
Moving on, the action cue from the sample was actually quite good.
Energetic and colorful, the action cue feels like a mix between Silvestri’s great work on Beowulf, (minus the overbearing choir) and his equally great work on The Mummy Returns; however composed at a much faster clip.
Truth be told, the cadence of the music leads me to believe part of it was arranged with the train sequence from the trailer in mind; however I could be, and likely am wrong on that.
In any case, I like what I’ve heard thus far, and truly hope the movie ends up yielding a similar reaction from me when I finally get to see it next month.
Post a comment if you’d like a download link to the Captain America sample soundtrack!
June 28, 2011 • 8:51 PM 0
I’ve always had a soft spot for Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
The man was never the best of wrestlers, nor was he possessed of one of the more memorable personalities in the business; but at the end of the day, it’s hard to deny the fact that the man had a pretty solid gimmick.
At a time when our nation was still wrought with fear over the threat of nuclear war and other such Red Dawn-y scenarios as instigated by the USSR, Jim Duggan was positioned as a blue-collar Captain America of sorts.
He didn’t have an imposing body-builder’s physique, and he certainly wasn’t handsome, but when he’d march down the ramp waving the stars and stripes with unwavering enthusiasm, the crowd was instantly his.
Though the strength of this gimmick is indeed shaky at best, especially nowadays; it makes me happy to know that, for a time, people were willing to forgo their cynicism and support the big ugly caveman and his flag-waving antics.
While the Captain America gimmick would eventually get snatched away, and improved upon; by Hulk Hogan, Jim Duggan’s other, perhaps more notable gimmick, was his 2×4.
For the life of me, I no idea why a slab of wood was Hacksaw’s weapon/gimmick of choice, but to his credit, it fuckin’ worked.
Seriously man, despite having virtually no interest in him other than his propensity for running around yelling “HOOOOOOOOO!!!” at the top of his lungs, in my youth that goddamn 2×4 proved to be more than enough to make me like the guy.
Hell, somewhere in my basement I still have my brother’s old Jim Duggan action figure, complete with miniature 2×4.
Anyway, no article about Jim Duggan is complete without mention of his EPIC theme music, so I figure I’ll just embed it below and let it do the talking for me:
April 24, 2011 • 3:41 PM 0
Yesterday we covered what I would argue was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s MANLIEST MAN moment in cinema history.
Said moment involved exclamation of the word “bullshit,” followed by the Austrian death machine hurling a steam pipe through an Australian girlie man’s torso.
That was MANLY MAN moment #9.
Now I ask you, just what the fuck kind of Top 10 MANLY MAN moments would place something as epic as the finale of Commando at #9?
A really MANLY fuckin’ list, that’s what!
While the next MANLIEST moment may be somewhat lacking in epic savagery when compared to it’s predecessors; it more than makes up for it in epic ballsy-ness and courage.
In that sense, our 8th MANLIEST MAN moment happens to be that one time in A New Hope when the apex of pimp himself, Han Solo, literally went solo and randomly bum rushed the fuck out of a battalion of Stormtroopers:
(Apologies for the very much unwarranted Chariots of Fire, it was the best I could find.)
You see, while Arnold utterly dominates the MANLY realm of badassery and epic savagery, Harrison Ford’s Han Solo represents a different school of MANLINESS.
Sure, Harrison Ford can’t throw a decent punch to save his life, but that’s why it’s called “acting.”
Han Solo’s what you’d call a “loveable asshole.”
He’s a silver-tongued pistolero that wears his ego on his sleeve and tries his damndest to put his foot in the cooch whenever the opportunity presents itself.
While any other character would just seem like a epic frat boy douche-rocket in behaving like this, perhaps Han Solo’s greatest strength as a character is that, while he’s certainly one scruffy looking scoundrel; there’s an inherently heroic and admirable person visible beneath all of it.
I suppose it’s also pretty awesome that his MANLINESS gives him the power to SHUT PEOPLE THE FUCK UP just by raising a finger:
MANLY powers aside, the one thing that always put Han Solo over the top in my book of MANLINESS, was his ability to improvise and succeed on gut instinct alone.
When faced with the threat of having his ship blasted to pieces by a surprise attack from incoming TIE fighters, ‘ole Han just kind of shrugs his shoulders and says:
When forced to impersonate a Stormtrooper over an intercom in a desperate attempt to salvage his and the other Rebel’s infiltration into the Death Star, Han doesn’t just manage the task; he even takes the time to casually throw in a courteous “We’re fine, how are you?”:
That’s just how Han Solo rolls.
Off the cuff or from the hip, he rolls with the punches and always seems to come out on top.
Which brings us to the MANLIEST moment in his career, and the 8th MANLIEST moment in all of movies.
Not long after the above sequence wherein Han, Chewie and Luke utterly beast the shit out of the security staff of detention block AA 23, the 3 of them rescue Princess Leia and flee into the sewer duct.
After much hilarity and drama involving a nasty dianoga getting frisky with Luke,
as well as the walls of the chamber being set to “compact,” the 4 heroes escape into the main corridors of the Death Star.
Unfortunately, the section of the space station that they happen to escape to just happens to be crawling with Stormtroopers.
While most men would turn tail and run in the face of overwhelming odds like this, Han Solo immediately caps one of the troops square in the chest and then proceeds to CHASE AFTER the remaining half dozen or so HEAVILY ARMED soldiers!
If that wasn’t badass enough, ‘ole Han doesn’t just run the sons a bitches down; he charges after them screaming at the top of his lungs like some crazy-ass William Wallace motherfucker.
It may take some serious balls to single-handedly face down a whole squad of armed soldiers, but it takes giant-ass titanium gonads of MANLINESS to fuckin’ rout them and then successfully chase their asses down.
Unfortunately, as is often the case for people who aren’t Arnold Schwarzenegger, the MANLIEST course of action proves to be far from the wisest for Han Solo.
After chasing the Stormtroopers for some time, wailing like a fuckin’ Jewish banshee all the while; Han turns a corner to reveal horrifying sight:
Unfazed by the pants shitting-ly terrifying white and black wall of blaster toting death before him, Han attempts to overwhelm the Stormtroopers with the power of his MANLIEST of MANLY faces:
Immediately sensing that his gambit has failed, the ever resourceful Han Solo quickly falls back on his go-to plan “B”, that of shooting first and aiming/asking questions later:
With yet another Stormtrooper felled, Han makes the wise choice not to get greedy with his kill-streak, instead choosing to fall back and regroup with his compatriots.
Narrowly escaping from a hail of laser fire, Han Solo meets up with Chewie around the corner, and the 2 escape to the annals of MANLY sci-fi/action movie history.
Thanks for reading MANLY MAN moment #8, check back for #7 tomorrow!
Happy Easter everyone!
April 23, 2011 • 8:35 PM 1
This time around we’re tackling MANLY moment #9, a MANLY moment that belongs to none other than quite possibly the MANLIEST of all action heroes; Arnold Schwarzenegger.
As any self respecting MAN is aware, MANLY moments are very much the norm in any Arnie movie.
Seriously man, given the chance, Arnold could find a way to make just about anything the fuckin’ MANLIEST shit ever.
He was just that fuckin’ MANLY.
During the course of his acting career the man has killed Darth Vader:
Done battle with (and killed the ever-loving fuck out of) intergalactic game hunters:
And even managed to get away with calling THE FUCKING DEVIL a goddamn choir boy:
To say Arnold’s done some pretty MANLY-ASS things over the years would be an understatement akin to saying Steven Seagal’s flipped a lot of fools on their heads.
In other words, it’d be a BIG fuckin’ understatement.
Which begs the question, just what is the MANLIEST moment of Arnold’s illustrious film career?
Well, that’d have to the be when he summoned his MAN-STRENGTH to call “bullshit” on, well, pretty much everything; and then inexplicably whooped the shit out of a curiously overweight Australian at the end of Commando:
Let me go on record by saying that, while it’s far from the best movie in Arnold’s filmography; Commando has probably the highest MAN QUOTIENT of any of his movies.
Commando truly is a “dumb” movie in the sense that it’s plot, dialogue, and overall production values are kind of ratty; however most of this is played to it’s advantage in the form of copious amounts of “violent but not offensive violence,” and an insane number of Arnold-isms throughout.
In short, it’s a big dumb action movie that thrives on being big and dumb.
Which brings me to MANLY moment #9 on our list.
At the end of Commando, Arnold’s John Matrix faces off against a former “colleague” (read: killing buddy) of his named Bennett, who just happens to be holding Arnold’s daughter AKA Alyssa Milano, hostage.
While totally bat-shit crazy, and holding a penchant for knives; I’ve gotta’ say, Bennett is just about the least threatening villain I can recall in a Schwarzenegger flick.
I suppose it doesn’t help that half the time the guy looks like he’d sooner jump Arnie’s bones rather than kill him:
Seriously man, while taller than Arnold, the guy is obviously somewhat out of shape and doesn’t look at all to be a match for Arnold’s Herculean John Matrix.
To make matters worse, the poor guy is obviously kind of sensitive about his weight, as he wears some sort of goofy-ass chainmail getup to try and conceal his love handles.
Think fat kid wearing his shirt to the pool:
Top things off with the fact that he looks like a fat Freddie Mercury, and you’ve got yourself one very sad-ass final boss.
Despite all this, thankfully Bennett gives himself a fighting chance by capping Johnny Matrix in his right shoulder just before the final battle.
Sadly, that would prove to be just about the only good move ‘ole Bennett makes in the whole fight.
Using his MANLY powers of psychology, Matrix manages to convince Bennett to let go of Alyssa Milano so that they may knife fight to the death like the MANLY MEN they are.
The fight appears to reach an equilibrium of sorts, as both men receive minor cuts; however one could argue that Bennett pulls ahead at this juncture by attempting the use of scornful finger wagging and black magic:
Unfortunately however, his MAN STRENGTH proves to be too great, thereby causing him fall off alongside Bennett:
In classic villain fashion, Bennett makes use of a conveniently placed pipe to try and press an advantage over Matrix.
Courageously/dumbly fighting unarmed and without the use of his right arm, Arnold manages to stay in the fight, landing pot shots when able, and generally doing well to counter most of Bennett big swings.
Hell, one-armed or not, Arnie even manages to ape Steven Seagal by busting out an awkward hip toss of sorts:
Utilizing a nearby furnace door, Bennett whacks Matrix in the nose by opening it ala Tom and Jerry then proceeds to tear it off it’s hinges and chuck it at our hero.
Despite missing by a fuckin’ country mile, this maneuver allows Bennett the time to pick up another pipe from the floor, with which he proceeds to go to town on Matrix’s stomach and flanks.
Did I mention that during all of this, Bennett still looks like he want to mount Matrix something fierce?:
I’m not gonna’ lie, Arnold takes a helluva’ beating during this sequence.
After sustaining an absurd number of pipe shots to the torso, Arnold manages to land a desperation kick to… somewhere on Bennett’s person, thereby freeing our hero and allowing him to stand up once again.
I call the kick an act of “desperation” not just because of the nasty circumstances during which it was employed, but because kicking is just something Arnold doesn’t do.
The man is shaped like a fuckin’ upside down PYRAMID OF POWER, kicking is not one of his strong suits.
Anyway, from there the fight devolves into one of those awkward struggling/wrestling matches that suck all the momentum out of fight sequences.
Long story short, Bennett opened the furnace earlier, both guys almost get put into said furnace; and much grunting and sweating ensues, likely to Bennett’s pleasure.
Likely growing weary of being in such close proximity to a dark magician/child molester like Bennett, Matrix creates some distance with a strategically placed headbutt followed by a left hook to the jaw.
While Johnny Matrix indeed succeeds in gaining some breathing room with this maneuver, unfortunately he makes the mistake of knocking Bennett into the power grid, shooting thousands of volts through the big Aussie’s chainmailed form:
Now, ordinarily this would put a motherfucker to sleep like no other, but not ‘ole Bennett.
Unfortunately, Matrix clearly was not aware of this fact, and is thusly caught completely off guard by the immediate and hellacious counter-attack that follows.
Totally helpless, Matrix takes blow after blow, not the least of which being the dreaded “double axe-handle to the man boob”:
Pummeling away at Matrix’s back with fists and elbows, Bennett continues to pour on the verbal abuse to John’s MANHOOD.
“Your’e a dead man John!”
With those words, whatever weakness may have remained in John Matrix’s soul burned away to cinders, leaving only MANLY MAN-NESS in their wake.
With those words, John Matrix summoned the mightiest of MANLY words from deep within himself, channeling the MANLIEST of MAN spirits in the process:
Using only ONE HAND Matrix unleashes a 13-hit Ultra Combo of hooks and backhands that sends Bennett reeling.
Lacking the strength to employ any more magic spells or electrical attacks, Bennett; in a final act of villainous cowardice, draws a micro uzi and makes a move to blast Matrix’s nuts off.
Improvising in a manner that could only be referred to as MANLY-AS-FUCK, Matrix then promptly rips a steam pipe off the wall and throws it into Bennett’s rotund form:
Check back tomorrow for MANLY moment #8!
April 19, 2011 • 8:21 PM 0
I dug a 4 foot deep hole in the ground yesterday.
It took several hours, and the air reeked of shit throughout the entire ordeal, but it had to be done so… I went ahead and did it.
Unsurprisingly, I’m a little sore today, and as such; I really don’t feel like writing today.
Check it out over at Cracked.com here:
April 7, 2011 • 4:30 PM 2
The sequence above comes from the (slightly) under-appreciated cop flick, Nighthawks.
In scrounging through the recesses of my movie reference laden memories for a clip that could summarize my feelings at this moment, I could find no better example than Sylvester Stallone belching out savage/manly utterances while cradling an injured Billy Dee Williams.
Seriously man, it’s a Billy Dee/Stallone tag team; definitely worth you’re while.
Lando/Rocky awesomeness aside, I’ve had 2 computers turn into bricks in as many days, and believe me; I’m none too happy about it.
Anyway, even though I’m aware my computers are not people; and therefore bear me no ill will, rest assured, the phrases
“I’m gonna’ kill that sonofabitch!”
“YOU’RE FUCKIN’ DEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDD!!!!”
were thrown around in reference to them in the past 48 hours.
That being said, after so many “technical difficulties” posts; I’m guessing it was about time I looked into a new computer anyway.
See you tomorrow, but don’t expect anything special for awhile; mom and pop’s computer is really fuckin’ slow…