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The Top 10 Manliest Man Moments #8: Han Solo, Army Of One


Yesterday we covered what I would argue was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s MANLIEST MAN moment in cinema history.

Said moment involved exclamation of the word “bullshit,” followed by the Austrian death machine hurling a steam pipe through an Australian girlie man’s torso.

Just in case you needed a visual aid...

That was MANLY MAN moment #9.

Now I ask you, just what the fuck kind of Top 10 MANLY MAN moments would place something as epic as the finale of Commando at #9?

A really MANLY fuckin’ list, that’s what!

While the next MANLIEST moment may be somewhat lacking in epic savagery when compared to it’s predecessors; it more than makes up for it in epic ballsy-ness and courage.

In that sense, our 8th MANLIEST MAN moment happens to be that one time in A New Hope when the apex of pimp himself, Han Solo, literally went solo and randomly bum rushed the fuck out of a battalion of Stormtroopers:

(Apologies for the very much unwarranted Chariots of Fire, it was the best I could find.)

You see, while Arnold utterly dominates the MANLY realm of badassery and epic savagery, Harrison Ford’s Han Solo represents a different school of MANLINESS.

Sure, Harrison Ford can’t throw a decent punch to save his life, but that’s why it’s called “acting.”

Han Solo’s what you’d call a “loveable asshole.”

Pictured: An asshole minus the "loveable" part.

He’s a silver-tongued pistolero that wears his ego on his sleeve and tries his damndest to put his foot in the cooch whenever the opportunity presents itself.

While any other character would just seem like a epic frat boy douche-rocket in behaving like this, perhaps Han Solo’s greatest strength as a character is that, while he’s certainly one scruffy looking scoundrel; there’s an inherently heroic and admirable person visible beneath all of it.

I suppose it’s also pretty awesome that his MANLINESS gives him the power to SHUT PEOPLE THE FUCK UP just by raising a finger:

Translation: "You shut your fucking mouth, son."

MANLY powers aside, the one thing that always put Han Solo over the top in my book of MANLINESS, was his ability to improvise and succeed on gut instinct alone.

When faced with the threat of having his ship blasted to pieces by a surprise attack from incoming TIE fighters, ‘ole Han just kind of shrugs his shoulders and says:

When forced to impersonate a Stormtrooper over an intercom in a desperate attempt to salvage his and the other Rebel’s infiltration into the Death Star, Han doesn’t just manage the task; he even takes the time to casually throw in a courteous “We’re fine, how are you?”:

That’s just how Han Solo rolls.

Off the cuff or from the hip, he rolls with the punches and always seems to come out on top.

Which brings us to the MANLIEST moment in his career, and the 8th MANLIEST moment in all of movies.

Not long after the above sequence wherein Han, Chewie and Luke utterly beast the shit out of the security staff of detention block AA 23, the 3 of them rescue Princess Leia and flee into the sewer duct.

After much hilarity and drama involving a nasty dianoga getting frisky with Luke,

Watch in horror as the dianoga claims it's next love sponge...

as well as the walls of the chamber being set to “compact,” the 4 heroes escape into the main corridors of the Death Star.

Unfortunately, the section of the space station that they happen to escape to just happens to be crawling with Stormtroopers.

While most men would turn tail and run in the face of overwhelming odds like this, Han Solo immediately caps one of the troops square in the chest and then proceeds to CHASE AFTER the remaining half dozen or so HEAVILY ARMED soldiers!

If that wasn’t badass enough, ‘ole Han doesn’t just run the sons a bitches down; he charges after them screaming at the top of his lungs like some crazy-ass William Wallace motherfucker.

It may take some serious balls to single-handedly face down a whole squad of armed soldiers, but it takes giant-ass titanium gonads of MANLINESS to fuckin’ rout them and then successfully chase their asses down.

Unfortunately, as is often the case for people who aren’t Arnold Schwarzenegger, the MANLIEST course of action proves to be far from the wisest for Han Solo.

After chasing the Stormtroopers for some time, wailing like a fuckin’ Jewish banshee all the while; Han turns a corner to reveal horrifying sight:

Note: This is one of the few scenes Special Edition actually made MANLIER.

Unfazed by the pants shitting-ly terrifying white and black wall of blaster toting death before him, Han attempts to overwhelm the Stormtroopers with the power of his MANLIEST of MANLY faces:

Despite the awesome power of Han’s MAN-FACE, the Stormtrooper’s collective morale holds fast, allowing them to miraculously power through it’s demoralizing/penis shrinking effects.

Immediately sensing that his gambit has failed, the ever resourceful Han Solo quickly falls back on his go-to plan “B”, that of shooting first and aiming/asking questions later:

Han Solo: Shoots So Well His Lasers Explode From The Inside Out.

With yet another Stormtrooper felled, Han makes the wise choice not to get greedy with his kill-streak, instead choosing to fall back and regroup with his compatriots.

Narrowly escaping from a hail of laser fire, Han Solo meets up with Chewie around the corner, and the 2 escape to the annals of MANLY sci-fi/action movie history.

Thanks for reading MANLY MAN moment #8, check back for #7 tomorrow!

Happy Easter everyone!

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Filed under: Movies, Top 10 Manliest Man Moments, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hidden Treasures, Part II

Haha, Azn Badger bein' all artsy n'shit...

You wouldn’t know it from that pic, but I was actually looking out the window on account of some lady shrieking at her kids.

Was fuckin’ hilarious.

That ugliness aside, welcome back to my basement dwelling odyssey!

Upon venturing deeper into my basement crawlspace, I was elated to discover my old Captain Bucky O’Hare action figures!

Near as I can tell, I had almost the whole collection, minus Jenny the Alderbaran Cat, The Toad Air Marshall, and some piece of shit named Commander Dogstar that I honestly have ZERO memory of.

Now what kind of Happy Meal bullshit is THIS!? No wonder I don't remember him...

Don’t ask me what Alderbaran means, ’cause I sure as hell don’t know.

It’s kind of like that one monster “D’Compose” from Inhumanoids.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! How did my parents let me watch this shit!?

I didn’t know what “decompose” meant, all I knew was that that was his name, and that’s what he said when he turned that one bitch into a giant-ass zombie.

I'm not crazy, I swear, BUT HOW THE FUCK DID I REMEMBER THIS SHIT!?

Now that I think of it, Inhumanoids was fuckin’ badass.

Scared the shit outta’ me too.

Why the fuck am I talking about Inhumanoids?

I only saw like 2 episodes of that when I was like 3 years old.

HOW THE FUCK DO I REMEMBER ALL THIS STUPID SHIT!?

*Cough!* Anyway, this is the second time in the past few days that I’ve mentioned Bucky O’Hare, so I figure it’s time I give a little background on the subject for those who may not remember him.

Here’s the intro sequence:

Basically, Bucky O’Hare was a cartoon, based on a comic from before my time, that dealt with a universe parallel to our own called the Aniverse.

The Aniverse, wherein planets are named not for Gods, but rather by their color.

Essentially, the world was like Star Wars, only a cast made up entirely of anthropomorphic animal people.

Couldn't find a better photo. Jesus and pancakes that is disturbing...

Hey! Get back here!

Just ’cause I said “anthropomorphic” doesn’t mean this post is gonna’ de-evolve into furry bullshit!

*Ahem!* ANYWAY, the story involves a nerdy young boy from our universe named Willy, being somehow transported into the Aniverse and being forced to take up arms in a galactic war of sorts.

Is nobody worried that the kid is holding a gun?

As a rule of thumb in the series, reptiles and amphibians are “The Empire,” and all the mammals are “The Rebels.”

My God, what have I done!?

I did mention that Bucky O’Hare was like Star Wars, right?

Captain Bucky O’Hare and his ragtag crew of rebel misfits serve as Willy’s defenders and support crew.

Is that his "rape" face or some shit? Seriously...

The other crew members were, if I can remember correctly:

AFC Blinky, a cute little cyclopic android that serves as the C-3P0 and R2-D2 of the crew at the same time.

Don't fuck with him. Seriously, he's got one of the biggest guns in the videogame.

Deadeye Duck, the ship’s trigger happy, four-armed, one-eyed gunner, and my personal favorite character on the show.

Deadeye Duck ridin' in the Toad Croaker.

He was voiced by Duo Maxwell after all.

Jenny the Alderbaran Cat was basically the Jean Grey of the crew, serving as a psychic force to reckoned with, as well as a sort of mother figure to Willy.

She was a pain in the ass to fight in the NES game...

I’m sure if you type her name into Google you’ll find plenty of furry “yiff” fodder.

Hey man, blame the intersnatch, not me…

Last but not least, Bruiser the Berserker Baboon served as equal parts Chewbacca and The Incredible Hulk.

FUCK YEAH.

The numerous instances when he’d go apeshit and beat on the toads were always fuckin’ classic.

“THE BERSERKER BABOON!!!!” They’d all yell, just before getting squashed.

Pictured: Just the parts they didn't like...

To be perfectly honest, I really don’t remember Bucky O’Hare all that well, much less Inhumanoids.

Bucky O’Hare was only a part of my life for about a year, but clearly I really liked it, ’cause I remember the characters just fine, and I played the shit out of the NES game.

RAWK!!!!! Guarantee you'll be seein' me play this sometime soon...

I don’t really remember the plot outside of the very basic “mammals fight against reptiles and amphibians” outline.

Even so, memories, no matter how trivial and fragmented, are always something to be treasured.

Even if they sit in a box underneath the stairs for 20 years.

Oh well, all this talk of Bucky O’Hare has got me wanting to the play the NES game again, so if I ever get around to making another Let’s Play video, that’ll probably be the first one I do.

Thanks for reading, sorry I’ve been so lazy!

SHORYUKEN!!!!!

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