Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

The Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights, #6


It’s funny, as I was typing out the article for yesterday’s entry on our list of The Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights, it dawned on me just how much I hated fighting Duriel from Diablo II.

As much as I discovered I hated him though, I feel I was justified in placing him relatively low on this list.

Despite the fact that I’m pretty sure there’s not a single boss character on this list that I hate more than him, the actual difficulty that came from fighting Duriel came almost entirely as a result of his unbalanced and, quite frankly; cheap design.

He’s not hard per se, he’s just broken….. And more than a little douche-y.

The point I’m trying to make, is that, in my eyes; the hardest boss fights are the ones that are just that:

Tough fights.

Fighting Duriel isn’t what I’d call a traditional fight, it’s just an unwarranted and totally out of place exercise in tedium within the confines of an otherwise straightforward and balanced game.

I know it’s just a matter of opinion, but I felt I needed to make my stance on this subject as clear as possible.

That being, the next boss on our list, earned his spot, not through being cheap, or even unpredictable; but by simply being one of toughest motherfuckers I’ve ever fought.

There are bosses with patterns, and there are bosses with weaknesses, and then there’s the #6 entrant on our list of the Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights:

#6. Beowulf – Devil May Cry 3: Dante’s Awakening

Pictured: Dante, about a half second a way from getting bitch slapped by Beowulf.

To me, Beowulf isn’t just one of the Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights, he’s also one of the best.

His pattern isn’t anywhere near as complex as some of the other bosses in Devil May Cry 3, and he certainly doesn’t deal an inordinate amount of damage; but for my money he’s the toughest boss in a game packed to the hilt with some of gaming’s stiffest challenges.

We're talkin' TURBO TUNNEL-tough!

The fact of the matter is, Beowulf’s a hard boss simply because he makes you work for your victory over him.

There’s no such thing as a quick win over Beowulf, and therein lies the beauty in fighting him.

The frantic nature of the battle prevents his various “phases” from ever feeling overlong, not to mention lead to instances where the sheer intensity of the conflict cause you to make mistakes with your controller.

If ever there were a sign that a boss is tough, it’d have to be that of making your hands twitch out of pure sensory overload.

To this day, I have yet to find a “good” way to fight Beowulf outside playing it cool and wearing him down.

That’s the thing with Beowulf:

He doesn’t have any weaknesses.

Unlike most Devil May Cry bosses, and indeed most bosses in general, Beowulf doesn’t have a magic solution to his pattern.

Hell, he doesn’t even really have a significant vulnerability to any weapon in the game, making defeating Beowulf an affair based purely on skill and endurance.

Unlike fuckin’ Crash Man:

Beowulf’s pattern is essentially that of a pressure-fighter, a Rocky Balboa if you will.

He’s predictable, and he’s kind of slow, but he’s on your ass all night long and there’s no safe way to hurt him.

At first glance he seems like a pushover as long as you keep your distance, however the sad truth of the matter is:

Inevitably he’s going to catch up to you.

.... But not without taking 20 times the punishment in the process.

While all Beowulf really does in his opening phase is stomp and throw haymakers, there’s a clever science to the placement of his attack angles.

You can see every move he makes coming from a mile away, and yet, due to the wide-arcing nature of his swipes; you’ll often find yourself caught by blows that initially looked harmless.

As is typical of Devil May Cry bosses, Beowulf is rarely reactive to the damage of your attacks, making it unwise to exchange blows with him, given his potent attack power that is equally typical to the series.

The one exploitable weakness I know of that Beowulf has, is extraordinarily minor to the point of being almost counterproductive.

Throughout various cutscenes in the game, as well as the in-game graphics; it is imparted to you that Beowulf bears a scar over one of his eyes.

Whenever a blow is delivered to Beowulf’s scarred eye, he immediately clutches it in pain and swings wildly with his free arm with surprising accuracy.

"Nobody move! One of my contacts just fell out!"

This technique is only really viable in the first phase of the battle, and indeed does a fair amount of damage, however the dangers in employing jumping attacks against Beowulf are numerous, so in my opinion it’s better to play defensively and simple forego the exploit altogether.

The second and third phases of the fight are where things get really hairy.

Up until this point in the fight, Beowulf basically just plods about and punches at you, however once you’ve done enough damage to trigger his second phase, he drops down onto all fours and starts running about the arena with frightening speed.

In between phases, he throws easy to dodge metal towers at you, but make no mistake, once he’s on all fours, he becomes quite difficult to keep up with.

Given his ability to break into a gallop at any given moment, Beowulf’s second phase takes the tricky accuracy of his initial attack pattern and injects a element of unpredictability that makes it a bitch to keep up with.

Much like fighting Sigma in the Mega Man X games, Beowulf is a test not only in a twitch sense, but also in the sense that you never really feel like you’re pulling ahead in the fight.

Sadly, defeat usually comes very late in the fight against Beowulf, as his third and final phase is hard to avoid without taking at least some damage…. Damage that one usually can’t afford to spare by this point in the fight.

Beowulf’s third phase compounds all of his previous attacks and abilities, but adds a few volleys of glowing white energy fired from his now fully outstretched wings.

...I guess I better say what everyone's thinking: BEAST MODE: ENGAGE.

The damage dealt from these projectiles is significant, but mostly survivable.

The real kicker in all this, is the fact that it’s very difficult to avoid these volleys without taking at least some damage.

After softening you up with the projectiles, typically Beowulf will charge at you full speed, at which point one of you will likely be killed given the lowly state of your health bars.

Just take a look at this video where the player does well throughout, but inevitably ends up with almost no health by the battle’s final moments:

That’s what I love about fighting Beowulf:

He represents the rare case when a boss demands not just precision, but also endurance.

He really doesn’t do all that much, but something about the way he subtly changes his angles in order to chase you, and unpredictably makes use of his running attacks; makes him hard in a way that’s different from many other bosses.

Simply spamming the dodge or roll commands won’t work, because if your timing is off he’ll punish the shit out of you.

Simply pulling out the “right” weapon won’t work, because he doesn’t bear any weaknesses to any of them.

Simply hanging back and shooting him death won’t work, because eventually he’ll spread his wings and run your ass into the ground.

Beowulf’s a terrific boss, that also just happens to be one of the hardest I’ve ever fought.

Filed under: Games, Movies, The Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Top 10 Manliest Man Moments #4: Rocky Ends Communism


Yesterday we popped the cherry on the Top 5 of the Azn Badger’s Top 10 Manliest Man Moments list with a scene from a Godzilla movie.

That right there should tip you off to the fact that this list is very much my list of MANLY moments, and not just some cookie-cutter list for spoon-feeding to the masses.

That being said, our next moment comes courtesy of another one of my personal heroes, Sylvester Stallone.

Yeah, I made this. Damn proud of it too...

Now, as fucking awesome as Stallone movies can be, it’s common knowledge the majority of his filmography could be described as “hit and miss.”

When it comes to Stallone though, at the end of the day it all comes down to his 2 biggest characters and franchises:

Rocky and Rambo.

*GASP!* You mean Cobra wasn't one of Stallone's biggest hits!?

While I wouldn’t discover the MANLY majesty of the Rambo series until a bit later in life, the saga of Rocky Balboa was something I just couldn’t get enough of in my childhood.

Now, the character of Rocky Balboa might not be the cigar chomping paragon of MANLINESS that some of the other MEN on this list are, but make no mistake; Mr. Balboa is all that is MAN.

He’s the epitome of the classic underdog trope in cinema:

A big lovable retard with titanium MAN-BALLS of COURAGE, obsidian fists of AMERIKUHN JUSTICE, and a bionic heart pumped full of unflappable juices of MANHOOD.

ALL THAT IS MAN.

If all of that doesn’t spell AMERIKUHN HERO, I don’t know what does.

Over the course of his colorful 30+ year boxing career, Rocky Balboa did it all.

He fought and defeated the previously undefeated and undisputed heavyweight champion of the world, after losing to him by a narrow margin in their previous bout:

... Then had a "moment" with him on the beach.

He defended his title several times, only to amazingly lose and regain it in stupendously entertaining back-to-back bouts with Mr. T:

Pictured: Mr. T taking one in the nuts.

He dumped a shit ton of his winnings into buying his brother-in-law a horny robot maid:

I don't wanna' know what goes on between these 2 after hours...

He avenged the death of his best friend by beating the ever-loving fuck out of the Dolph-inator himself, Dolph Lundgren:

And he even took the time to grow a pimp-ass beard!

He trained a rough-edged prospect to world championship status, only to later end up beating the shit out of said pupil in a random and highly illegal street fight:

Man, Tommy Morrison makes for one ugly fucking action figure..

And at the end of it all he ended his career by once again losing to a world champion half his age by a narrow split-decision:

... And succeeded in effectively ending Antonio Tarver's real-life boxing career.

Somewhere towards the middle of all this though, after buying the horny robot but before beating the piss out of his pupil; Rocky found time to do something truly MAN-great…

Something worthy of being ranked our 4th MANLIEST MAN moment in all of movies…

Something MANLIER than any mere boxing ring could contain…

Something…….. POLITICAL.

My greatest hope is that everyone reading this blog has seen Rocky IV, or failing that; at least knows the story of it.

Should anyone reading this blog not match any of these criteria, congratulations; you are both a pussy and a failure at life.

*ANYWAY* being as the beginning of Rocky IV deals with Rocky’s best buddy Apollo Creed getting killed in an exhibition match with the Swedish, I mean, COMMUNIST RUSSIAN death-machine Ivan Drago; naturally the final act of Rocky IV involves Mr. Balboa flying over to the USSR to pound some AMERIKUHN MAN JUSTICE into the giant Arian fuck’s face.

Unfortunately, unbeknowst to Rocky, Drago is packin’ the ‘roids; making the ensuing battle a clusterfuck of MANLY mayhem the likes of which the Eastern and Western world alike have never known:

CLICK FOR THE FIGHT

For nearly 15 rounds and nearly 10 minutes of screen time, Drago and Balboa slug it out; with Balboa falling to the mat no less than 7 times throughout.

Despite Drago out-landing Balboa about 10-to-1, someway, somehow; the Italian Stallion manages to power through the EPIC FIST-STORM of COMMUNIST RUSSIAN FACE-FUCKERY and do some damage of his own.

As evidenced by the announcer team making note of it just about every 30 seconds, the COMMUNIST RUSSIAN crowd seriously want Balboa’s nuts in their borscht.

Aw, how could anyone hate Rocky?

Also made apparent by the announcer team making note of it every 30 seconds though, is that part way through the fight, Balboa’s MAN-COURAGE in the ring is starts to win over the hearts and minds of the COMMUNIST RUSSIAN crowd.

Well okay then, I guess I'll have to take your word for it on that one.

At the end of the night, it all comes down to the 15th and final round, wherein Drago, is touched by the spirit of Rocky’s AMERIKUHN SPIRIT; turns his back on THE FUCKING POLITBURO, and says “Fuck it!” to fighting for the state in favor of fighting for MANLINESS.

Pictured: Russian Politics.

Despite possessing an incredible height and reach advantage, as well as being ahead on the scorecards by an absurd margin; Drago opts to fight the final round standing toe-to-toe with Balboa, thereby insuring his failure as a COMMUNIST MAN.

Sure enough, Balboa gets some good shots in downstairs, punches some WOMANLY MAN-tears out of Drago’s guts; and ends up flattening the big, Russian, Best-Friend Murderer in spectacular fashion.

The ref’s count reaches “10” and all the previously anti-AMERIKUHN RUSSIANS in the crowd rush into the ring and drape the triumphant Rocky Balboa in an AMERIKUHN FUCKING FLAG that, I guess they just happened to have on hand…

Such is the MANLY-POWER of Rocky.

He can travel to a HOSTILE nation, inexplicably defeat a physically superior opponent as a massive underdog, and then end up winning over the crowd to such a MANLY extent, that they KNIT AN AMERIKUHN FUCKING FLAG during the course of an hour long fight.

Amerikuhn hero or not, that has got to be one stinky-ass armpit...

Equally, uh, inexplicable; is the fact that, after trouncing their champion, the living symbol of their people’s achievements in physical conditioning; the COMMUNIST RUSSIANS offer the marble-mouthed Rocky Balboa the opportunity to voice his thoughts on the fight over the PA system.

Realizing the EPIC-NESS of the opportunity presented to him, Balboa digs deep within his recently brain-damaged mind, and summons an unrehearsed MAN-SPEECH of world-changing POLITICAL MAN-POWER:

In one night, Rocky Balboa won the most physically demanding fight of his life, and single-handedly ENDED COMMUNISM in the USSR.

Thus concludes our 4th MANLIEST MAN moment.

We’ve got 3 more to go folks, with all the EPIC MANLINESS being slung around here, it’s hard to say whether or not we’ll all survive the experience; but godddamnit I’m gonna’ give it my best shot to see it through to the end!

Check back tomorrow for MANLY MAN moment #3!

Filed under: Boxing, Movies, Tokusatsu, Top 10 Manliest Man Moments, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top 5 Boxers I Wish We’d Seen More Of

I’d like to kick things off this evening by saying that every fighter included in the following list had very long and fruitful careers.

This is not a list of fighters that never lived up to their potential, or guys who retired too early.

Many of the guys on this list were unfortunate to have died as young men, or worse yet; via unnatural causes, however the point I’m trying to make here is this:

Boxing is a violent sport that has the potential to permanently damage or injure it’s participants.

Regardless of how many fights a boxer engages in, whether it’s 1 or 100; serious injury or loss of faculties are a risk one always faces in stepping into the ring.

For what it’s worth, this is me saying that I understand it’s silly to ask more, even in jest; from men who already gave so much.

That being said, the following is a list of 5 fighters who I could watch forever; and thusly wish I could’ve seen in action just a few more times.

#5. “Baby” Joe Mesi

Despite retiring undefeated, Joe Mesi was never the best fighter around.

He was relatively small for a heavyweight.

He was more than little pudgy.

More importantly though, he never really got around to fighting anyone of note.

On paper, he sounds like kind of loser, doesn’t he?

Well, despite the fact that “Baby” Joe made his livings chewing up guys from the bum of the month club; he was in fact at one point the #1 contender in the heavyweight division.

He never won a legitimate world championship, but he made it all the way to Wladimir Klitschko’s doorstep; and gooddamnit, that counts for something.

“Baby” Joe was the Rocky Marciano of his day.

Sure, he didn’t have power, grit, or tenacity of The Brockton Blockbuster; but he was a short white guy in a division packed with… well, really tall white guys from Europe.

As it continues to slip out of the mainstream, boxing is always in need of a people’s champion, and for the American public (or at least Buffalo, New York); “Baby” Joe fit the bill.

I’d never claim him to be a great fighter, but I’ll never deny how much fun I had watching him climb the ranks and come away with inexplicable win after win.

Half of the fun of watching “Baby” Joe, was having to come into every fight knowing it completely possible that he’d get flattened.

Every time he’d get in trouble, my brother and I would scream with mock passion: “BABY JOE! NOOOO!!!!!”

“Baby” Joe effectively made his exit from the sport in 2004 when he suffered a subdural hematoma at the hands of former cruiserweight champion Vassiliy Jirov.

Many speculate that the current state of the heavyweight division would be considerably more colorful had “Baby” Joe not been forced into retirement prematurely, and I’m inclined to agree.

While I’d never wish for him to fight on after his injury, (note: he did anyway, though only in small venues due to difficulty finding licensing) however after watching his climb through the ranks, I wish I could’ve seen him challenge for a title.

#4. Edwin Valero

At first glance, one could call Edwin Valero the Kimbo Slice of professional boxing.

Underneath the surface though, it becomes evident that Valero was far more talented than the events of his career might have suggested.

Forced to fight out of Japan due to licensing issues associated with spotty brain scans, the vast majority of the buzz in U.S. surrounding Valero’s career was generated via internet streams of his fights.

Originally from Venezuela, Edwin Valero was a Southpaw fighter possessed of an uncanny punching power that would ultimately cement his place in boxing history.

In 27 fights, Valero managed a 100% KO ratio, with his first 19 bouts all ending inside the first round.

While it could be argued that the vast majority of his opposition was indeed severely over-matched, none can deny that Valero legitimately achieved this world record feat.

Coming across as a brick-fisted brawler utterly devoid of any sort of technical skills, it’s interesting to note that Valero was in fact a supremely talented boxer.

The truth of the matter is, that Valero was so in love with his incredible power; that throughout the majority of his career he simply chose to swing for the fences all the time because he knew he could get away with it.

Though in his later fights, against more solid opposition; inklings of Valero’s brilliant footwork and jabbing skills would begin to shine through, for the most part, the guy was perfectly content to leave his bag of tricks in the gym.

Sadly, Valero committed suicide just last year shortly after going to prison for murdering his wife.

Clearly possessed of some serious personal issues, it nonetheless makes me sad that Valero would never get a chance to test his mettle against top flight talent, particularly Manny Pacquiao; who he shared weight classes with for much of his career.

#3. Salvador Sanchez

Salvador Sanchez is one of my favorite boxers of all time.

His entire career took place years before I was born, but everything I’ve seen and read about him has me convinced that he was a truly special fighter.

Hell, when I was a kid I used to think he was cool purely because of his poofy hair.

A technical fighter if ever there was one, Sanchez nevertheless showed all of the grit and toughness that Mexican fighters are known for around the world.

Not exactly that big of a puncher, his expert footwork and extraordinarily fast-paced rhythm allowed him to befuddle his opponents; often luring them into KO traps by way of the disparity in their technical competence.

To this day, Sanchez’ battles with Danny “Little Red” Lopez and Wilfredo Gomez rank among some of my favorite bouts of all time.

Despite having a very fruitful career, Sanchez ended up dieing in a car crash while still in possession of the featherweight title.

He was only 23 years old, and a had one of the brightest futures in boxing that one could imagine.

#2. Rocky Marciano

Oh give me a break, you knew this was coming; right?

Rocky Marciano represents one of the greatest stories in boxing history.

I love him to death, but it’d be foolish of me to claim that he was the best of the best.

It feels weird saying it, but I’m one of those guys that, in the Muhammad Ali vs. Rocky Marciano simulation; would definitely be rooting for Marciano, but ultimately expecting Ali to win.

He was a tough son of a bitch, he trained twice as hard most of the people he fought, and he could punch like a mule kicks; but in the end Marciano was just a tiny heavyweight with a lot of guts.

Nevertheless, he was a tiny heavyweight that never lost, and rarely failed in knocking the fuck out of his opponents.

In the current age of sports science and giant heavyweights, I don’t think Marciano would do to well; but in his time, he was the king of the castle.

When Marciano retired, and abdicated his title; there were a handful of guys that likely would’ve wanted a crack at him.

Archie Moore, who was Marciano’s last opponent; still had a few good fights left in him.

Tommy Jackson was a solid competitor who held Floyd Patterson to a split decision.

And of course, Floyd Patterson himself would ultimately be the one to claim Marciano’s vacant title; which of course would be the biggest (and most plausible) “what if” match I wish we’d seen in Marciano’s career.

Of course, Marciano would retire, and stay retired in 1956; only to tragically die in a plane crash in 1959.

I’m pretty sure The Rock made the wise decision in retiring when he did, however I don’t think I’m alone in wishing that he turned that 49-0 record into a 50-0 one.

Records are always easier to remember when they’re in multiples of 10…

#1. Arturo Gatti

I didn’t even need to think about this one.

Arturo Gatti was singlehandedly responsible for converting boxing from a sport I used to watch to spend quality time with my dad, to something I obsessed about and became emotionally invested in.

Boxing writers and commentators like to throw around the term “blood and guts” warrior when talking about fighters that lay it all the line every time they step into the ring.

Everyone who was fortunate to have seen Gatti in action during his prime knows that he is the man these people are thinking of when they use this term.

In the ring, Gatti was the definition of toughness and heart.

Originally from Montreal, but adopted by Jersey City, New Jersey, he’d take 1,000 to give you 1, and more often than not; he’d ending up beating you in the process.

My brother and I used to joke that Gatti’s face would start swelling on the ramp, before ever stepping into the ring.

That’s just the way he was.

While his epicly poor weight management was likely the culprit responsible, if Gatti wasn’t cut or swollen by the end of the night; then it wasn’t a Gatti fight.

That’s like a Steven Seagal movie without an instance where he doesn’t flip some poor son of a bitch by the wrist.

It just doesn’t happen.

While I know it sounds like I’m some immature fuck who’s into boxing for the blood and violence, when it came to Gatti; the real reason we all watched was just that:

We wanted to see him, win or lose.

He was the real life Rocky Balboa or Little Engine That Could.

He was that guy that always seemed to have the cards stacked against him, yet somehow he’d always come behind a surprise us all with something magical.

Even when he didn’t win, there was just something about him that made us love him.

When he lost, there were no feelings of disappointment or anger.

We were just happy to have seen the (no doubt, spectacular) show that he put on.

I’ll never forget what he said when asked why he was going to win his ill-fated match with Floyd Mayweather:

“Because I’m a nice guy!”

Even though I’ve read plenty of reports to the contrary of that statement, it was stuff like this that made Gatti one of the most endearing fighters of his time.

The last few years of his career were less than stellar, in fact it was kind of sad; but you better believe I tuned in regardless.

Such was the power of Gatti, that he could continue to show up, a complete shadow of his former self; but still draw hopeful crowds regardless.

When Gatti was utterly broken by Alfonso Gomez in his last fight, everyone knew that was how it had to end.

He was starting to look pretty bad by then, but short of dieing in the ring; I don’t think anything could’ve stopped Gatti from slipping on the gloves one last time for his fans.

As I’m sure everyone is aware, Arturo Gatti was murdered in Brazil, allegedly by his wife; in 2009.

In leaving boxing, Gatti left a void that I scarcely believe will be filled in my lifetime.

HBO likes to call every tough fighter with heart the “second coming” of Gatti.

That’s bullshit and they know it.

4 Fights of the Year and countless classic battles are not something achieved by just any bum with a chin.

The sad part is that you can tell that they want a Gatti for their network so badly; that they callously throw his name around any time a decent fight starts to brew.

That’s how much boxing misses Gatti.

That’s how much we all miss Gatti.

Filed under: Boxing, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Azn Badger’s Computer(s) = FUBAR


The sequence above comes from the (slightly) under-appreciated cop flick, Nighthawks.

In scrounging through the recesses of my movie reference laden memories for a clip that could summarize my feelings at this moment, I could find no better example than Sylvester Stallone belching out savage/manly utterances while cradling an injured Billy Dee Williams.

Seriously man, it’s a Billy Dee/Stallone tag team; definitely worth you’re while.

Lando/Rocky awesomeness aside, I’ve had 2 computers turn into bricks in as many days, and believe me; I’m none too happy about it.

Anyway, even though I’m aware my computers are not people; and therefore bear me no ill will, rest assured, the phrases

“I’m gonna’ kill that sonofabitch!”

and

“YOU’RE FUCKIN’ DEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDD!!!!”

were thrown around in reference to them in the past 48 hours.

That being said, after so many “technical difficulties” posts; I’m guessing it was about time I looked into a new computer anyway.

See you tomorrow, but don’t expect anything special for awhile; mom and pop’s computer is really fuckin’ slow…

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Villain Showdown: Ivan Drago vs. Chong Li

Alrighty folks, today we’re kicking off a new post series I’d like to call Villain Showdown.

In this series of posts we will be taking 2 classic villains of cinema history and pit them against one another across a great number of criteria, ranging from an examination of the devilish deeds that made them the historic villains they are today, to answering the all important question of “who would win in a fight?”

Anyway, enough with the mission statement crap, let’s get on with the first match-up; a contest of the beastly “silent giants” of 80’s fighting cinema, Ivan Drago vs. Chong Li!

Introductions:

Played by Dolph Lundgren, and perhaps the most formidable opponent Rocky Balboa ever fought in his lengthy career, communist Russian boxer Ivan Drago stand today as perhaps the prototypical “silent giant” of 80’s fighting cinema.

Not to be confused with the popular "big ugly dude" trope of action cinema.

A man of few words, Drago’s immense stature, Herculean form, Olympic class boxing skills, and death dealing fists nevertheless secured his place in the annals of film history.

Hailing from South Korea and practicing an unknown martial art, Chong Li owned the Kumite tournament for years until meeting defeat at hands of Frank Dux in the events of Bloodsport in 1988.

Malicious and without mercy, Bolo Yeung’s Chong Li dispensed of the lower-tier competition in the tournament with extreme prejudice, often going out his way to seriously injure and maim, or in one instance; kill his opponents.

Equally as silent as Ivan Drago, Chong Li’s formidable fighting skills, broad and muscular physique, cruel nature, and willingness to bend the rules of the Kumite to his advantage, make him one of the more memorable villains of martial arts cinema.

Criteria #1: Beastly Evil-Doings:

Ivan Drago

Punched Apollo Creed’s brain out his ass inside of 2 rounds, insulted America’s honor by demanding that Rocky fight him in the USSR, cheated by shootin’ the ‘roids, wore a hideous white leotard, stole Rocky’s wife, (not Adrian. Brigitte Nielsen) was Russian and therefore evil in every capacity known to man.

Chong Li


Utterly BEASTED on the lower-tier fighters, put his heel through Ogre from Revenge of the Nerd’s brain box, stole Ogre’s headband, killed a random and grossly out-sized Chinese man, cheated by throwing poison powder in Van Damme’s eyes, cheated by using the referee as a human shield, was Korean and therefore smelled of kimchi and was evil in every capacity known to man, particularly in matters pertaining to games of StarCraft.

Winner: Ivan Drago

Drago killed Apollo.

Really, that’s the only thing that matters in this particular argument.

While one could argue that Chong Li was definitely more evil by nature, as evidenced by the joyful expressions seen on his face whenever he was wrecking people’s shit; the simple fact remains that Drago killed an AMERICAN FUCKING HERO that was very likely 2 days from retirement.

Chong Li tried his damndest to live up to the villainous blueprint laid down by Drago in Rocky IV, however the thickness of Ogre’s skull prevented what otherwise would’ve been a meaningful death in the history of action cinema.

Sorry random Chinese guy, but your neck just isn’t worth the same as Carl Weathers’ mini-fro…

"Damn straight!"

Criteria #2: Tools Of The Trade

Ivan Drago


An Olympic class amateur boxer who fought his first professional bout against Apollo Creed, Drago was the finest heavyweight boxer in the USSR.

Bearing an emotionless persona an trained in a private, scientifically guided training facility, Drago’s physical conditioning and boxing skills were trained to perfection using state-of-the-art training methodologies.

At no less than 6 feet 4 inches in height, and bearing a punch of over 2,000 psi; Drago’s boxing proved sufficient to end the life of former heavyweight champion Apollo Creed inside of 6 minutes.

Despite knocking him down no less than 7 times during his contest with Rocky Balboa, Drago was put to the mat for a 10 count in the 15th and final round, thusly putting an end to his known professional boxing record.

Chong Li

A martial artist from South Korea, Chong Li dominated the Kumite for several years preceding the events of Bloodsport.

Using an unknown fighting system that made extensive use of his superior size and strength, Chong Li was nevertheless a superb and wholly complete fighter.

Chong Li was known to hold numerous records in the Kumite, not the least of which being the record for the the fastest KO in the tournament history, a record that would ultimately be broken by Frank Dux within the same 1988 tournament.

Quite literally, deadly; with fist and foot, Chong Li was known to have killed a competitor in the previous Kumite, going on to do the same to semi-finalist Chuan Ip Mung in the 1988 tournament.

That's right, I know my shit...

Despite this, Li was largely outmatched by Frank Dux in the early goings of their bout, only really gaining an edge when he intentionally blinded him with poison powder.

Overconfident in the handling of his blind opponent, Chong Li was ultimately felled by a series of aerial spin kicks to the face.

Never losing consciousness despite the incredible number of blows landed on him during the course of the fight, Chong Li ultimately submitted at the hands of Frank Dux.

Winner: Ivan Drago


While both men are definitely uber-beasts from a purely physical standpoint, the fact remains that Drago is an uber-beast that could kill you dead while wearing 8-ounce gloves.

Chong Li was by all means a killer by nature, however the one kill of his we were fortunate to bear witness to involved him taking advantage of a near helpless opponent.

Drago’s killing of Apollo Creed, however savage, and indeed, necessary to the plot of the film; was by all intents and purposes incidental to his freakish strength.

Though one could argue that Rocky was equally responsible…

In any case, it should be said that these guys were both pretty close in this particular criteria.

Both displayed incredible tenacity and durability by taking a huge amount of punishment during their respective bouts, however the real tie-breaker proved to be Drago’s endurance over the course of 15 rounds.

Given that Drago cried like a little bitch before going down though, one could argue that Chong Li was indeed the tougher individual, however in my book, 5 minutes with the Van-Damme-inator doesn’t really compare to 45 with Sly Stallone, even if Van Damme’s got his eyes bugged out and is seconds away from snapping your neck…

Criteria #3: FAILURES

Ivan Drago

Foolishly discarded EVERY CONCEIVABLE ADVANTAGE available to him by choosing to slug it out in close quarters with Balboa throughout most of the fight, in particular the 15th and final round.

Cried pathetic anti-man tears moments before succumbing to the ferocious man-fury of Rocky’s fists.

Was Russian…

Chong Li

Let hubris get in the way of his victory over Frank Dux by allowing him to recover during a pivotal moment in the fight.

Was Korean…

Winner: Chong Li

Just to be clear, “winning” this particular criteria refers to one failing less than their opponent, meaning “winning” in this case, is actually a good thing.

Chong Li won this one hands down.

Despite his monstrous appearance, Chong Li proved himself to be a clever fighter with surprisingly very little FAIL present in his character.

Really, the only fuck-up he every really made in the entirety of Bloodsport was in giving Van Damme 3 fucking minutes to meditate on/flashback to his past training, thereby allowing him to win the fight.

Drago, as evidenced by his far larger FAIL section, made more than a few mistakes in his bout with Rocky Balboa.

Displaying overconfidence by fighting Balboa’s fight, and weakness by eliciting distinctly un-manly, Russian Woman Tears on his way down to the canvas, Drago’s strength of character was somewhat questionable.

Who Would Win In A Fight?:

This one’s kind of a toughy.

As evidenced by his winning ways in most of the criteria listed above, Drago is one helluva’ beast, however Li is no slouch and arguably bears the stronger character between the 2 fighters.

Assuming that their contest would be a full contact affair, I could see Drago pressing an early advantage with his power and ranginess; however unless he flattened The Chong outright, I don’t think this phase of the fight would last very long.

As mentioned earlier, Drago displayed a willingness to wade into deep water with his opponents, fighting by their terms; and if this were to be the case with Chong Li, I could see things turning very ugly for Drago should he choose to trade blows with him.

Chong Li’s very complete repertoire of attacks would likely afford him a number of options in handling Drago, not the least of which being vicious kicks and joint locks to the extremities.

Despite the huge disparity in the breadth of the 2 fighters move sets, entirely a result of Drago’s conventional boxing training; the real crux in the matter of comparing the 2 lies in Chong Li’s unerring tenacity.

The Chong took one helluva’ beating from Van Damme, and never once seemed to slow or weaken during the course of the fight.

Perhaps more importantly though, he displayed a great deal of confidence and pluck when knocked to the mat by Ogre, a fighter who was very likely the stronger man in that particular contest.

Drago on the other hand, was pensive in the first few minutes of his fight with Apollo, and later showed weakness of character in his bout with Rocky Balboa, both fighters who were known to be physically inferior to him.

This disparity in maturity and strength of character, combined with the fact that I’d be willing to bet The Chong would go out of his way to fight dirty; seems to indicate that he would be able “figure out” Drago at some point in the proceedings.

Besides, Drago cried like a bitch…

Winner: Chong Li, On Account Of Experience And Toughness


Filed under: Boxing, Games, Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, Villain Showdown, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Play Robocop, Part RAWK!

Well folks, it’s been a long time coming, but the Azn Badger has finally redeemed himself.

Ladies and gentleman, after weeks of diligent Rocky IV-esque caveman training, the Azn Badger has finally beasted the ever-loving fuck out of Robocop on the NES.

Just like Rocky, true victory (not that pussy-ass moral/spiritual victory shit) eluded me until the unnecessary, but awesomely over-the-top 10 minute rematch fight.

Rocky II: Stupid Movie, Great Fight...

Not that the final boss fight takes 10 minutes to complete, but you know what I mean…

Anyway, despite suffering a humiliating defeat at the hands of a RED ED-209, (10 times as dangerous as the normal one!) prepared to wowed as the Azn Badger claims his revenge in form of a quick and brutal pwn-session!:

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