Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

The Hapa Bro-Cast 02/24/2015


So….. My brother and I randomly sat down to try our hand at a podcast!
Sadly, I think I derailed some of the finer points he was trying to make, but oh well, it was fun to make.
Here’s hoping we do it again sometime!

Advertisements

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

And Now, Serpentor Making A Fool Of Himself.

Yeeeeeaaaah…… So, Serpentor was kind of lame.

In case you don’t remember, Serpentor was the self-proclaimed emperor of the villainous Cobra faction in GI Joe.

Intended to be a replacement for the comically inept Cobra Commander, Serpentor was created from the DNA of countless great conquerors and rulers throughout history.

This had the unfortunate side-effect of giving him a strange tendency to speak almost exclusively in “commands,” leading to rampant use of the phrase “This, I Command!”

As you might’ve guessed, this could get annoying, and more than a little tedious at times:

Anyway, we should probably move on to explaining the retarded-ness of the clip at the top of this post.

Despite what you might think, the clip of Serpentor screaming “Cobra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!” is actually taken directly from the GI Joe movie.

I’m not kidding.

That means Serpentor’s voice actor, Richard Gautier; was asked to come into the studio, and yell “Cobra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!” into the microphone, most likely for a half an hour straight.

All I can say is, I hope he got paid.

As dumb as that seems, (and sounds) it’s perhaps even sadder to think that the whole “Cobra-la” thing sounds eerily like a riff on the now infamous Arabic battle cry:

A cheap laugh, but a good one nonetheless.

Anyway, you know what I mean.

I have no way of confirming my suspicions, but due to the US and Middle Eastern tensions of the day, (Sgt. Slaughter was only a few years away from his dramatic heel-turn) I’d assume this was the case.

That being said, I always thought this was really fucking stupid.

Here’s hoping you agree with me.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , ,

Remember When Hulk Hogan Got Raped By A Mummy?

Ah, The Dungeon of Doom.

Few other stables in wrestling have produced as many fail-tastic gimmicks, and absolutely horrid matches as The Dungeon of Doom.

Created in the pre-NWO era, The Dungeon was WCW gaggle of supervillain-esque heels that feuded with Hulk Hogan on and off for about 2 years.

While I’m guessing they were supposed to be a legitimate threat, they really came across as the Cobra to Hogan’s G.I. Joe.

Well actually, given the kind of magical/supernatural bent that they had for a lot of the characters, it’d probably be more accurate to call them the Skeletor to Hogan’s He-Man.

Despite this, it’s funny to look back on The Dungeon and think of some of the (decent) name wrestlers that passed through it’s toxic halls.

For example, Lex Luger, Jimmy Hart, The Giant and Meng the Merciless all did a tour with The Dungeon and look how they turned out.

Well, at least The Big Show went on to to greener pastures…

The point is, The Dungeon could’ve been better had their matches and storylines been booked better.

And if they didn’t let Brutus Beefcake do his whole “Zodiac” thing:

Jesus fuck that was some stupid-ass shit…

Anyway, let’s talk about the clip at the top of this post:

I can’t recall the actual context of it, but from what I can tell, The Giant had Hogan in a bearhug, and then “The Yeti” arrived and decided to join in and help out…

Oh boy, you know it’s bad when they have a guy clearly dressed as a mummy, that they decide to name The Yeti.

Or is that “Yeh-Tay?”

I honestly couldn’t tell based on how the announcer kept FUCKING UP the pronunciation.

Either due to his lack of in-ring ability, or due to his love for insta-tanned man-butt, The Yet then proceeded to embrace Hogan from behind, thereby sandwiching him between himself and The Giant; and then vigorously gyrate and thrust his hips in a suggestive manner.

To their credit, the announcing team continually make claims that “This could be the end of Hulkamania” to reassure the audience of the urgency of the situation, but even so; we all know what was goin’ on…

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Conan The Barbarian Review

Hey look! Orange and Blue!

Let’s get one thing out of the way before we start this review:

I liked the Arnold Schwarzenegger Conan.

I liked it A lOT.

Truth be told, I haven’t read any of the original Robert E. Howard Conan stories, nor any of the Dark Horse comics.

To that end, everything I know (and love) of Conan has been culled from the Arnold movies, and the Conan the Adventurer cartoon series.

Fuckin’ loved that show…

*ANYWAY* while the examples of Conan that I’ve experienced may not be the most traditional, they’re all I have; and frankly, I don’t mind that.

Which brings us to the 2011 film version of Conan, the oddly titled reboot/retread; Conan the Barbarian, henceforth referred to as Conan the Hawaiian.

To be perfectly frank, Conan the Hawaiian honestly felt like a double-length episode of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, both in terms of plotting and tone.

Sadly, no Kevin Sorbo cameos...

Aside from the names of the locations, the origin story prologue, and maybe some of the characters; much of Conan the Hawaiian’s plot could easily have been transposed onto another generic sword and sandals flick with virtually the same degree of success.

Indeed, had the Conan name not been attached to this movie; for all intents and purposes, I likely would not have bothered to go see it.

Such is the power of licensing and iconography.

Despite all this, I came into the film with fairly realistic expectations.

I would never expect a movie called Conan the Hawaiian to have brilliant writing, nor any degree of complex storytelling in it’s plotting.

For the most part, I just had my fingers crossed for a hefty dose of tasty sword related violence, and a decent performance from the lead actor, Jason Momoa.

Way to go bra'! Represent!

Conan the Hawaiian delivered (with varying degrees of success) on both of my expectations for it, so why then is my opinion of the film so negative?

I think it has something to do with the inescapable elements of cheapness that are evident when watching the film.

For instance, do you want to know how you can tell a movie is cheap, even when it’s props and CGI backdrops are of decent quality?

When the film takes place in about a dozen locations, all of which are represented from afar by a CGI matte painting, and in the interior by a dining room sized sound stage.

Few things are more irksome in a fantasy film than being teased by the promise of cool cities n’shit, only to have the interior of said cities be represented by a SINGLE FUCKING ROOM.

Also known as Star Wars disease, wherein we frequently are shown the splendor of a cityscape, only to see maybe 3 locations within it.

Despite this minor quibble, one thing that I have to commend Conan the Hawaiian for; is the fact that it represents one of the rare cases when a shitty movie both acknowledges and revels in it’s shittiness.

As mentioned earlier, Conan the Hawaiian’s plot is pretty lame, not even as complex or engaging as The Scorpion King, (which is a better movie, in case you’re wondering) however one of it’s greatest strengths is the fact that it never attempts to be.

To my surprise, Conan the Hawaiian’s running time is largely dominated by action sequences, leaving little room for cheesy plot or equally cheesy dialogue from what I’d assume was it’s 5 page script.

The action/fighting is executed with some degree of competence, and it’s indeed quite bloody; however in my opinion the goryness of the violence could’ve been dialed up just a notch or 2 for effect.

Watching anonymous bad guys get cut down left and right every 5 minutes is fun and all, but it’s a lot more fun when said instances of cutting are unique and memorable.

I’m just saying, I personally would’ve appreciated a disemboweling or de-limbing here and there to spice things up.

In my book, EVERY movie needs a Mola Ram heart rip!

On that same note though, another gripe I had about the film was the fact that, early on we are teased by the villain possessing an honor guard of sorts, an elite cadre of unique villains who all participated in fucking over Hawaiian Conan at the beginning of the film.

By showing us these characters, and how they figure into Hawaiian Conan’s revenge plot, the movie makes a promise that we’ll see all of these characters meet their fate ala Shurayukihime, Kill Bill, and Conan the Barbarian.

While this does in fact happen, very little care is placed in how each of these characters are dealt with.

In fact, I only remember 2 of the characters receiving names, one of which bears a rather alarming resemblance to one of the other nameless honor guardsmen.

Pictured: A GOOD example of eliminating an interesting character OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE.

It’s a minor gripe, but it pains me to see a film like this, that has so little going for it in terms of plot; sweep away it’s own breadcrumbs though clumsily eliminating potentially interesting characters with little to no fanfare.

Gripes aside, the one element of the action that I can’t knock at all, was Jason Momoa’s swordplay.

Watching a man of Momoa’s size handle a sword with such grace is truly a sight to behold.

Indeed, he and Stephen Lang’s pair of duels in the film are very much the highlight of the film.

While I’m on the subject of Momoa, it pains me to say that his acting performance was kind of “meh,” though on the plus side; it’s hard to deny that his physical presence is the sort that can largely make up for that.

I think the problem with Momoa’s acting in the role of Conan, is the fact that the temperment of the character, at least in this film; doesn’t seem to fit him.

It’s kind of like Christian Bale’s turn as Batman in the Christopher Nolan films.

Bale does great as Bruce Wayne, and indeed looks the part of Batman, however something about the Batman voice and attitude just doesn’t work.

Momoa has these problems as Conan.

Everything seems to fit pretty well in his quieter and more contemplative moments, though whenever he’s supposed to put on his mean face and get all savage, his voice sounds forced and just doesn’t work for me.

On a side note, Leo Howard, the kid that played the young Conan; was probably the strongest performance in the whole movie.

Seriously man, that kid was a BEAST.

Moving on, despite having some decent actors involved, most of the performances in Conan the Hawaiian feel largely phoned-in.

Stephen Lang’s role as the villain is a little bit more complex than you’d expect given his motivations, however the paltry script affords him very little opportunities to flex his acting muscles or chew scenery.

For fuck’s sake, I can recall an instance when Lang is in battle in Conan and declares:

“I don’t like YOU!”

Really?

You’re the fuckin’ “last boss” of the movie, and that’s your big menacing one-liner?

Anyway, Rose McGowan’s turn as Lang’s creepy-ass daughter had some thought put into it, though it came across as being hammy in the bad way.

The bad way as in Sci-Fi Channel, “bad way.”

She does what she can to play to the morbid nature of her character, as well as her bizarre wardrobe, however at the end of the day she comes across as a shlocky villain in the tradition of The Baroness or Evil-Lyn.

That's right, I made a He-Man reference in a Conan review.

Oh yeah, Ron Perlman was in this movie too.

… That’s about all I have to say about that.

Anyway, Conan the Hawaiian wasn’t a horrible movie, especially if you’re purely in the mood for blood and boobs; however it’s largely uninspired and more than a little cheap.

I will say this though:

In terms of pure entertainment value, it’s better than Cowboys & Aliens.

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dumbass Panda Rip-Off


Wow.

Just, “wow.”

I accidentally wandered down the children’s aisle at my local Best Buy, and THIS, is what caught my eye.

Rip-offs in children’s programming is not at all a new thing, but rarely have I seen it this blatant.

Rambo and the Forces of Freedom, Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos, and GI Joe were all basically the same show, give or take a celebrity voice or 2.

I don't know about you, but Burgess Meredith counts as a celebrity in my book.

I’m sure by now we’ve all heard of the Lion King and the Jungle Tantei/Hamlet controversy.

Okay maybe the whole Hamlet thing isn’t controversial, but that doesn’t change the fact that Kimba got raped by Disney something fierce.

Yikes! That's gonna' spark a lawsuit... Or not.

It’s funny to think that even the vastly inferior tranforming robot show, GoBots; had a rip-off in the form of a little something called Transformers.

One could argue that, due to their rather close debut dates, Transformers wasn’t actually a rip-off, but rather an odd coincidence of timing in capitalizing on the universal (though yet unknown) appreciation of transforming robots.

Piss-poor attempts at defending my childhood heroes aside, the point is, rip-offs aren’t new, but it’s rare that I see one as bold-faced as Chop Kick Panda.

Apparently released only a few months ago, the back of the box revealed to me the wondrous tale of Lu, a fat panda bastard who operates a tae kwon do gym, that unbeknownst to him houses an amulet that a pissed-off tiger wants for some reason.

Basically, all you have to do is replace the italicized words with “Po”, “Kung Fu”, “Scroll” and “Snow Leopard”, and you’ve got the plot to Kung Fu Panda.

Seriously though, tae kwon do?

What the fuck kind of fail-ass Chinese panda teaches tae kwon do in motherfucking China!?

While the existence of this film doesn’t anger me in the slightest, it does surprise me.

In looking up the cover image for this movie, I stumbled across a Cracked article that basically spelled out to me the apparently massive scale of the kid’s movie rip-off market.

As stated earlier, I had no idea this shit had gotten so bold-faced, but more importantly; I had no idea how common it had become.

From what I can tell, kid’s movie rip-offs are basically the equivalent to The Asylum films.

Y'know, the guys who make this shit.

In an age where people are always willing to entertain deals and cheap alternatives, be it in the supermarket or in the theater; I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that film companies would be underhanded enough to ask parents to give in to their inner cheapness and force their kids to settle for less.

By the way, Chop Kick Panda averaged 1 star on Amazon.com.

Filed under: Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Donate