There, now they can’t say I never did anything for them…
*ANYWAY* My interest in Magic, as well as my playing ability; doesn’t even amount to what I’d call “casual,” but for whatever reason, I’m going.
That’s right.
I’m going to go hang out with a bunch of uber-dorks at a card shop, at midnight, simply because my friend asked me to.
Though the fact that I’m bored and honestly have nothing else to do probably factors in a little bit too…
That being said, my bowels are presently suffering from some mighty tremors in the Force, so here’s hoping I can manage the brutal task of sitting for several hours without shitting myself.
Fingers crossed for my bowels, and for me not catching uber-dork cooties.
Lord knows my finances probably couldn’t survive supporting both a comic book, and Magic habit…
Obviously, I didn’t make the Magic card you see above.
I had an EXTREMELY full day today, so I neither have the time nor desire to pound out a formal post today.
That being said, I picked up one of these Giant Badger cards from my local comic shop (where I also purchased the remaining 2 volumes of Annihilation) at the more than reasonable price of 5 cents.
I got a few other cards as well, mostly annoying (and not at all legal in tournament play) shit like a couple of Creature Bonds and Psychic Venoms; all of which also cost 5 cents each.
What can I say, I have weakness for old Magic cards that my brother used to play with way back during 5th Edition.
Anyway, it’s not quite an Azn Badger card, but when it comes to Magic; this is probably as close as it gets.
*The cards featured in the above image are Black Lotuses, one of the most overpowered (and expensive) cards.*
This card came about as a result of a series of atypically tooth and nail Magic games I had with a friend today.
Let’s get one thing straight, my interest in Magic is about as casual as it gets.
Most of my decks are crafted from illegal 5th edition cards I inherited from my brother, and while I’ve been known to by a booster or 2 now and again; I’ve probably spent about $20 in total on Magic cards over the past 10 years.
That being said, my friends take things a little more seriously, playing with Standard decks that routinely kill within the first few turns.
In other words, I don’t really have the means to be competitive among my circle of friends.
Despite this, today I managed to hold my own pretty well, winning a few games mostly on account of poor draws on my opponent’s side.
Some of the matches were genuinely frustrating though, largely because the nature of my friend’s decks led to a lot of situations where I’d be winning for a long stretch, only to get utterly flattened by the emergence of a single, overpowered card.
This happened so frequently, that my friend and I started joking around whenever someone would ominously tap a lot of mana.
Basically, the joke would go something like this:
“I tap 5 and summon…”
“Some bullshit.”
Jokey stuff like this served to keep us off each other’s throat for most of the evening.
That being said, I figured I would make a custom card in honor of the frustration we both endured this evening.
Thanks for playin’ buddy, hopefully the day won’t come that they actually make a “Some Bullshit” card.
Don’t be ashamed if you don’t, having knowledge of him is neither counter-culture nor “hip,” it’s merely pointless and stupid.
That being said, let me; the (self-proclaimed) Master of the Pointless and Stupid be guide your guide to the slightly above average B-level actor that his Skeet Ulrich!
All you really have to know about the man, is that his first name is a slang term for male ejaculate; and his claim to fame in the acting world is that he looks kind of like Johnny Depp.
Rather, he looked like Johnny Depp:
Father Time: 1 - Skeet Ulrich: 0
To my knowledge, the one movie that most people would remember Skeet Ulrich from, had they the desire to do so; would most likely be Wes Craven’sScream.
In Scream, Ulrich played a guy that looked vaguely like Johnny Depp and… Well, even though the movie came out some 6-7 years ago; I’d prefer not to spoil it, given that it’s actually pretty good.
On a side note, it was Wes Craven who originally gave Johnny Depp his first acting role in A Nightmare on Elm Street, making him responsible for introducing the film world to the panty soaking powerhouse that is Johnny Depp, as well as his significantly less talented Doppelganger, Jizz Ulrich.
What an interesting coincidence.
Near as I can tell, things have gone downhill for Skeet-Skeet ever since.
He co-starred in Chill Factor, a film about a nuclear ice cream truck.
...Or if you're foreign, "50 Degrees Fahrenheit." That's a winning title if I've ever heard one...
He starred in Jericho, a show that got cancelled around the time people started to care about it.
He also starred in a film called Chilly Dogs… In which he raced a bunch of cold-ass dogs in the Iditarod.
Holy shit, Spunk Ulrich, The Chick from Species, and Leslie Nielsen; ALL IN THE SAME MOVIE!?
And most recently I caught him, looking quite shopworn I might add; in Armored, a movie about quite possibly the most inept armored car robbers in all of armored car robbery.
Skeet Ulrich has long been a running gag in my mind as one of the higher profile “that guy” actors in Hollywood cinema.
A “that guy” is basically what I call an actor that you see, all the fucking time; however the average viewer rarely ever takes the time to learn their name.
Man-Spunk Ulrich came out the gate with the looks to set up a solid career, however for whatever reason he’s seemingly never amounted to any more than a Diet Johnny Depp.
Similar in taste and appearance, but otherwise lacking the substance of the original.
Oh well, as low-profile as the man’s career has been, I’ve had my fair share of laughs over making fun of him over the years.
Here’s to Cum-Puddle Ulrich, may the Doppelgangers of Hollywood live on!
Man, it’s been awhile since I’ve made a Magic card!
This one took a lot longer than it probably looks, mostly because I went to great lengths to actually make it as opposed to just snagging something off Google Images and slapping a filter on it.
If you want an example of how easy this card could’ve been to make, here’s an image that probably could’ve done the job just fine that I found in about 5 seconds of searching:
Pictured: The easy route.
Anyway, the card above is of course an homage to the famed cardboard box device from the Metal Gear series.
In all honesty, though I’ve played through every entry in the Metal Gear Solid series multiple times; I’ve rarely found a use for the cardboard box in any of them.
I know they’re useful for quickly jumping around the map via trucks and conveyors, but outside of punching Meryl to make the wolf pup pee on my box; I never really made use of them.
What? You didn’t know about the wolf piss?
*ANYWAY* much like the old N64Turok games, it’s hard to deny that Metal Gear games are big on loading you up with cool gadgets and abilities; only to end up giving you very little reason to use them.
Turok gave you awesome guns, but nothing to shoot at.
Metal Gear gave you an amazing range of abilities, but no real practical reason to employ them outside of for shits and giggles.
As fun as that looked in the trailers, for the life of me I never found a reason to do a barrel roll in Metal Gear Solid 4.
Anyway, thanks for stopping by, let me know if the text on the card needs to be changed or anything.
It’s been awhile since I’ve made a custom Magic card, so please excuse the crudeness of my work.
Anyway, this one is of course a reference to Mike Judge’s too-clever-for-it’s-own-good comedy film, Idiocracy.
In case you forgot, Brawndo was the Gatorade like sports drink that served as the Idiocracy replacement for water.
Upon it’s creation, Brawndo was dubbed superior to water due to the fact that “it has electrolytes.”
Because of this, Brawndo would go on to be used as a complete substitute for water in all of it’s functions, even as sprinkler water to farming; which of course would result in the accidental salting of virtually all arable land in the world of Idiocracy.
Anyway, thinking of Brawndo always put a smile on my face, so I figured I’d make a Magic card of it to pay homage.
More importantly, do you remember that stupid-ass play the heroes ran to win the game?
It’s funny, I’ve seen Starship Troopers about a billion fuckin’ times now; but up until about 20 minutes ago, I always heard the name of that play as “Flip Sticksssssreeee Hole.”
"HOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!"
In case you couldn’t tell from the phonetic clusterfuck pictured/mentioned above, Dina Meyer slurred her line pretty epicly, and my dumb brain decided to take what it heard and just sort of run with it.
Anyway, “Flip Sticksssssreeee Hole” came up recently in a conversation between my buddy Mencius and I, which of course led to much hilarity and me deciding that I needed to make a Magic card of it.
In ripping screen captures from my DVD of Starship Troopers though, the thought occurred to me that-
“Holy shit! I can’t call the card Flip Stickssssreeee Hole, that’d be fuckin’ stupid! Better turn on the subtitles…”
Well, I went ahead and did that, and lo’ and behold they turned my whole world upside down:
FLIP.
SIX.
THREE.
HOLE.
I saw Starship Troopers in the theater as a decidedly underage 11 year old.
That was back in fuckin’ 1997.
That means I’ve spent 14 years laughing about a stupid line in a movie without even knowing half the fuckin’ words in it.
Aside from that though, I found it to be a surprisingly clever action movie, and a good popcorn movie in general.
Make no mistake, Demolition Man is hardly a great movie; but it’s a good time nonetheless.
Anyway, of the many inside jokes that Demolition Man has spawned over the years; I’m pretty sure the one that we all remember best is the 3 seashells.
For those that may have forgotten this little gem of early 90’s comedy, I present to you the following clip:
In case you didn’t get it, the 3 seashells are the future equivalent to toilet paper.
Just the other day, a friend of mine asked me how I thought the 3 seashells would function in regards to their intended anus cleaning procedure.
Being as the breadth of my understanding of my bowels consists primarily of knowing what and what not to eat to alleviate/evacuate my anus cavity; I found I had no answer to this question.
Everything I know of toilet seat warfare comes from fighting the fires down below, clean-up is something I leave to the right hand and rolls of the mighty white sheets.
Anyway, my friend later told me that someone took an actual account given by Sylvester Stallone and the writer of Demolition Man regarding the proper procedure of using the 3 seashells, and created a visual diagram to go along with their description.
After a few minutes of internet-ing, I found said diagram at I-Mockery:
Anyway, hopefully this little stroll down early-90’s-action-movie memory lane was fun for you; if not enlightening.
Anyone who’s been following this blog with any degree of regularity since it’s inception is probably aware of my thoughts on the 2006 remake of The Wicker Man.
A truly horrible film, the only plus that comes from viewing The Wicker Man, is the awkward and very likely unintentional episodes of hilarity that pop up from time to time throughout the movie.
Make no mistake, the movie is awful, and indeed hard to watch at times; but watching Nic Cage punch women… while wearing a bear suit, is one of those rare spectacles that is very much worth the slog through it’s (thankfully) brief running time.
Well, it’s worth sitting through once anyway, hopefully in the company of like-minded friends.
Any more than that is likely to cause permanent brain damage, or at the very least; utterly destroy one’s ability to comprehend competently arranged films.
Consider the Magic card above a tribute to the epic pile of fuck-sauce that is The Wicker Man.
Anyway, I’ve posted it numerous times before, but below you’ll find a highlight reel of all the “good” parts of The Wicker Man:
I guess this marks the second instance that a legendary fighter pilot has been granted the honor of being given their very own Magic card on this blog.
Well, that is if you consider Jek Porkins to be “legendary.”
I suppose he’s legendarily obese and full of FAIL, but other than that…
Okay fine, today marks the first occasion that a legendary fighter pilot has been granted the honor of being given their very own Magic card on this blog; said pilot of course being Russell Casse.
To the sad individuals that are totally in the dark as to who Russell Casse is, I present to you the following clip:
That’s right, Russell was the drunk and loserly Vietnam vet who courageously saved the fate of the planet (well, Area 51 anyway) at the conclusion of Independence Day.
Claiming to have been previously abducted by the alien invaders, Russell launched his selfless kamikaze attack with the intent of paying them back, not just for blowing up every major city in the world; but for the horrible experiments they performed on him during the time he was in their custody.
Curiously enough, while Russell abduction claims were never confirmed to be true during the running time of the film, I think I remember reading a promotional comic book for Independence Day that actually elaborated on his past dealings with the aliens, revealing that he had in fact been telling the truth despite his perpetually oafish and drunken demeanor.
This could be crazy talk on my part, or worse yet; the result of bad rumors passed around the schoolyard while the movie was still playing in theaters, but I’m about 80% sure I’m not bullshitting you.
Anyway, consider the above card a tribute to Randy Quaid’s awesome and wholly memorable performance in Independence Day.
For what it’s worth, know that I belong to that “special” group of people that actually like Independence Day, not just as a novelty; but as a genuinely fun movie.
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