Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Summon Some Bullshit!

*The cards featured in the above image are Black Lotuses, one of the most overpowered (and expensive) cards.*

This card came about as a result of a series of atypically tooth and nail Magic games I had with a friend today.

Let’s get one thing straight, my interest in Magic is about as casual as it gets.

Most of my decks are crafted from illegal 5th edition cards I inherited from my brother, and while I’ve been known to by a booster or 2 now and again; I’ve probably spent about $20 in total on Magic cards over the past 10 years.

That being said, my friends take things a little more seriously, playing with Standard decks that routinely kill within the first few turns.

In other words, I don’t really have the means to be competitive among my circle of friends.

Despite this, today I managed to hold my own pretty well, winning a few games mostly on account of poor draws on my opponent’s side.

Some of the matches were genuinely frustrating though, largely because the nature of my friend’s decks led to a lot of situations where I’d be winning for a long stretch, only to get utterly flattened by the emergence of a single, overpowered card.

This happened so frequently, that my friend and I started joking around whenever someone would ominously tap a lot of mana.

Basically, the joke would go something like this:

“I tap 5 and summon…”

“Some bullshit.”

Jokey stuff like this served to keep us off each other’s throat for most of the evening.

That being said, I figured I would make a custom card in honor of the frustration we both endured this evening.

Thanks for playin’ buddy, hopefully the day won’t come that they actually make a “Some Bullshit” card.

 

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Filed under: Games, , , , , , , , , , ,

Summon Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s 2×4 Of Freedom!


I’ve always had a soft spot for Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

The man was never the best of wrestlers, nor was he possessed of one of the more memorable personalities in the business; but at the end of the day, it’s hard to deny the fact that the man had a pretty solid gimmick.

At a time when our nation was still wrought with fear over the threat of nuclear war and other such Red Dawn-y scenarios as instigated by the USSR, Jim Duggan was positioned as a blue-collar Captain America of sorts.

I think I just photoshop-ed the most awesome thing ever.

He didn’t have an imposing body-builder’s physique, and he certainly wasn’t handsome, but when he’d march down the ramp waving the stars and stripes with unwavering enthusiasm, the crowd was instantly his.

Though the strength of this gimmick is indeed shaky at best, especially nowadays; it makes me happy to know that, for a time, people were willing to forgo their cynicism and support the big ugly caveman and his flag-waving antics.

While the Captain America gimmick would eventually get snatched away, and improved upon; by Hulk Hogan, Jim Duggan’s other, perhaps more notable gimmick, was his 2×4.

For the life of me, I no idea why a slab of wood was Hacksaw’s weapon/gimmick of choice, but to his credit, it fuckin’ worked.

Seriously man, despite having virtually no interest in him other than his propensity for running around yelling “HOOOOOOOOO!!!” at the top of his lungs, in my youth that goddamn 2×4 proved to be more than enough to make me like the guy.

Hell, somewhere in my basement I still have my brother’s old Jim Duggan action figure, complete with miniature 2×4.

Yep, that's the one.

Anyway, no article about Jim Duggan is complete without mention of his EPIC theme music, so I figure I’ll just embed it below and let it do the talking for me:

 

 

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Safety Not Guaranteed – The Poster!

As promised, here’s a poster depicting the images that came to mind when I first heard news of the Safety Not Guaranteed movie.

From the description, the movie sounds like it’s gonna’ be more of a *Shudder!* “Indie” movie than anything else, however for the purposes of making this poster, y’know; interesting, I decided to go nuts and treat it like an action-adventure B-movie.

While I personally don’t care much for Jack Black or Michael Cera as actors or comedians, in all honesty; it wouldn’t really bother me if they were cast alongside an AK-47 and crowbar wielding Guile lookalike, whilst battling the Ultimate Warrior and his army of dinosaurs.

Truth be told, I used Black and Cera because I was able to find a good high-res photo of them from the unfunny shit-fest that is Year One.

It’s kind of ironic though, (but not in a “hip” sort of way) knowing Hollywood, I wouldn’t put it past them to throw a *GASP!* “Indie” actor like Michael Cera into a movie like this.

It’s almost a certainty that they’d hire Danny McBride for the role of The Mullet Man, most likely because his default haircut seems dangerously close to a mullet to begin with.

Personally, I’d rather see a beastly, wooden-as-fuck action dude like Dolph Lundgren take on the role, but that’s just me.

Anyway, thanks for takin’ a gander; see you tomorrow.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Summon Nic Cage… In A Bear Suit!

Anyone who’s been following this blog with any degree of regularity since it’s inception is probably aware of my thoughts on the 2006 remake of The Wicker Man.

A truly horrible film, the only plus that comes from viewing The Wicker Man, is the awkward and very likely unintentional episodes of hilarity that pop up from time to time throughout the movie.

Make no mistake, the movie is awful, and indeed hard to watch at times; but watching Nic Cage punch women… while wearing a bear suit, is one of those rare spectacles that is very much worth the slog through it’s (thankfully) brief running time.

Well, it’s worth sitting through once anyway, hopefully in the company of like-minded friends.

Any more than that is likely to cause permanent brain damage, or at the very least; utterly destroy one’s ability to comprehend competently arranged films.

Consider the Magic card above a tribute to the epic pile of fuck-sauce that is The Wicker Man.

Anyway, I’ve posted it numerous times before, but below you’ll find a highlight reel of all the “good” parts of The Wicker Man:

Filed under: Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Summon Russell Casse!

I guess this marks the second instance that a legendary fighter pilot has been granted the honor of being given their very own Magic card on this blog.

Well, that is if you consider Jek Porkins to be “legendary.”

I suppose he’s legendarily obese and full of FAIL, but other than that…

Okay fine, today marks the first occasion that a legendary fighter pilot has been granted the honor of being given their very own Magic card on this blog; said pilot of course being Russell Casse.

To the sad individuals that are totally in the dark as to who Russell Casse is, I present to you the following clip:

That’s right, Russell was the drunk and loserly Vietnam vet who courageously saved the fate of the planet (well, Area 51 anyway) at the conclusion of Independence Day.

Claiming to have been previously abducted by the alien invaders, Russell launched his selfless kamikaze attack with the intent of paying them back, not just for blowing up every major city in the world; but for the horrible experiments they performed on him during the time he was in their custody.

Curiously enough, while Russell abduction claims were never confirmed to be true during the running time of the film, I think I remember reading a promotional comic book for Independence Day that actually elaborated on his past dealings with the aliens, revealing that he had in fact been telling the truth despite his perpetually oafish and drunken demeanor.

This could be crazy talk on my part, or worse yet; the result of bad rumors passed around the schoolyard while the movie was still playing in theaters, but I’m about 80% sure I’m not bullshitting you.

Anyway, consider the above card a tribute to Randy Quaid’s awesome and wholly memorable performance in Independence Day.

For what it’s worth, know that I belong to that “special” group of people that actually like Independence Day, not just as a novelty; but as a genuinely fun movie.

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Villain Showdown: Ivan Drago vs. Chong Li

Alrighty folks, today we’re kicking off a new post series I’d like to call Villain Showdown.

In this series of posts we will be taking 2 classic villains of cinema history and pit them against one another across a great number of criteria, ranging from an examination of the devilish deeds that made them the historic villains they are today, to answering the all important question of “who would win in a fight?”

Anyway, enough with the mission statement crap, let’s get on with the first match-up; a contest of the beastly “silent giants” of 80’s fighting cinema, Ivan Drago vs. Chong Li!

Introductions:

Played by Dolph Lundgren, and perhaps the most formidable opponent Rocky Balboa ever fought in his lengthy career, communist Russian boxer Ivan Drago stand today as perhaps the prototypical “silent giant” of 80’s fighting cinema.

Not to be confused with the popular "big ugly dude" trope of action cinema.

A man of few words, Drago’s immense stature, Herculean form, Olympic class boxing skills, and death dealing fists nevertheless secured his place in the annals of film history.

Hailing from South Korea and practicing an unknown martial art, Chong Li owned the Kumite tournament for years until meeting defeat at hands of Frank Dux in the events of Bloodsport in 1988.

Malicious and without mercy, Bolo Yeung’s Chong Li dispensed of the lower-tier competition in the tournament with extreme prejudice, often going out his way to seriously injure and maim, or in one instance; kill his opponents.

Equally as silent as Ivan Drago, Chong Li’s formidable fighting skills, broad and muscular physique, cruel nature, and willingness to bend the rules of the Kumite to his advantage, make him one of the more memorable villains of martial arts cinema.

Criteria #1: Beastly Evil-Doings:

Ivan Drago

Punched Apollo Creed’s brain out his ass inside of 2 rounds, insulted America’s honor by demanding that Rocky fight him in the USSR, cheated by shootin’ the ‘roids, wore a hideous white leotard, stole Rocky’s wife, (not Adrian. Brigitte Nielsen) was Russian and therefore evil in every capacity known to man.

Chong Li


Utterly BEASTED on the lower-tier fighters, put his heel through Ogre from Revenge of the Nerd’s brain box, stole Ogre’s headband, killed a random and grossly out-sized Chinese man, cheated by throwing poison powder in Van Damme’s eyes, cheated by using the referee as a human shield, was Korean and therefore smelled of kimchi and was evil in every capacity known to man, particularly in matters pertaining to games of StarCraft.

Winner: Ivan Drago

Drago killed Apollo.

Really, that’s the only thing that matters in this particular argument.

While one could argue that Chong Li was definitely more evil by nature, as evidenced by the joyful expressions seen on his face whenever he was wrecking people’s shit; the simple fact remains that Drago killed an AMERICAN FUCKING HERO that was very likely 2 days from retirement.

Chong Li tried his damndest to live up to the villainous blueprint laid down by Drago in Rocky IV, however the thickness of Ogre’s skull prevented what otherwise would’ve been a meaningful death in the history of action cinema.

Sorry random Chinese guy, but your neck just isn’t worth the same as Carl Weathers’ mini-fro…

"Damn straight!"

Criteria #2: Tools Of The Trade

Ivan Drago


An Olympic class amateur boxer who fought his first professional bout against Apollo Creed, Drago was the finest heavyweight boxer in the USSR.

Bearing an emotionless persona an trained in a private, scientifically guided training facility, Drago’s physical conditioning and boxing skills were trained to perfection using state-of-the-art training methodologies.

At no less than 6 feet 4 inches in height, and bearing a punch of over 2,000 psi; Drago’s boxing proved sufficient to end the life of former heavyweight champion Apollo Creed inside of 6 minutes.

Despite knocking him down no less than 7 times during his contest with Rocky Balboa, Drago was put to the mat for a 10 count in the 15th and final round, thusly putting an end to his known professional boxing record.

Chong Li

A martial artist from South Korea, Chong Li dominated the Kumite for several years preceding the events of Bloodsport.

Using an unknown fighting system that made extensive use of his superior size and strength, Chong Li was nevertheless a superb and wholly complete fighter.

Chong Li was known to hold numerous records in the Kumite, not the least of which being the record for the the fastest KO in the tournament history, a record that would ultimately be broken by Frank Dux within the same 1988 tournament.

Quite literally, deadly; with fist and foot, Chong Li was known to have killed a competitor in the previous Kumite, going on to do the same to semi-finalist Chuan Ip Mung in the 1988 tournament.

That's right, I know my shit...

Despite this, Li was largely outmatched by Frank Dux in the early goings of their bout, only really gaining an edge when he intentionally blinded him with poison powder.

Overconfident in the handling of his blind opponent, Chong Li was ultimately felled by a series of aerial spin kicks to the face.

Never losing consciousness despite the incredible number of blows landed on him during the course of the fight, Chong Li ultimately submitted at the hands of Frank Dux.

Winner: Ivan Drago


While both men are definitely uber-beasts from a purely physical standpoint, the fact remains that Drago is an uber-beast that could kill you dead while wearing 8-ounce gloves.

Chong Li was by all means a killer by nature, however the one kill of his we were fortunate to bear witness to involved him taking advantage of a near helpless opponent.

Drago’s killing of Apollo Creed, however savage, and indeed, necessary to the plot of the film; was by all intents and purposes incidental to his freakish strength.

Though one could argue that Rocky was equally responsible…

In any case, it should be said that these guys were both pretty close in this particular criteria.

Both displayed incredible tenacity and durability by taking a huge amount of punishment during their respective bouts, however the real tie-breaker proved to be Drago’s endurance over the course of 15 rounds.

Given that Drago cried like a little bitch before going down though, one could argue that Chong Li was indeed the tougher individual, however in my book, 5 minutes with the Van-Damme-inator doesn’t really compare to 45 with Sly Stallone, even if Van Damme’s got his eyes bugged out and is seconds away from snapping your neck…

Criteria #3: FAILURES

Ivan Drago

Foolishly discarded EVERY CONCEIVABLE ADVANTAGE available to him by choosing to slug it out in close quarters with Balboa throughout most of the fight, in particular the 15th and final round.

Cried pathetic anti-man tears moments before succumbing to the ferocious man-fury of Rocky’s fists.

Was Russian…

Chong Li

Let hubris get in the way of his victory over Frank Dux by allowing him to recover during a pivotal moment in the fight.

Was Korean…

Winner: Chong Li

Just to be clear, “winning” this particular criteria refers to one failing less than their opponent, meaning “winning” in this case, is actually a good thing.

Chong Li won this one hands down.

Despite his monstrous appearance, Chong Li proved himself to be a clever fighter with surprisingly very little FAIL present in his character.

Really, the only fuck-up he every really made in the entirety of Bloodsport was in giving Van Damme 3 fucking minutes to meditate on/flashback to his past training, thereby allowing him to win the fight.

Drago, as evidenced by his far larger FAIL section, made more than a few mistakes in his bout with Rocky Balboa.

Displaying overconfidence by fighting Balboa’s fight, and weakness by eliciting distinctly un-manly, Russian Woman Tears on his way down to the canvas, Drago’s strength of character was somewhat questionable.

Who Would Win In A Fight?:

This one’s kind of a toughy.

As evidenced by his winning ways in most of the criteria listed above, Drago is one helluva’ beast, however Li is no slouch and arguably bears the stronger character between the 2 fighters.

Assuming that their contest would be a full contact affair, I could see Drago pressing an early advantage with his power and ranginess; however unless he flattened The Chong outright, I don’t think this phase of the fight would last very long.

As mentioned earlier, Drago displayed a willingness to wade into deep water with his opponents, fighting by their terms; and if this were to be the case with Chong Li, I could see things turning very ugly for Drago should he choose to trade blows with him.

Chong Li’s very complete repertoire of attacks would likely afford him a number of options in handling Drago, not the least of which being vicious kicks and joint locks to the extremities.

Despite the huge disparity in the breadth of the 2 fighters move sets, entirely a result of Drago’s conventional boxing training; the real crux in the matter of comparing the 2 lies in Chong Li’s unerring tenacity.

The Chong took one helluva’ beating from Van Damme, and never once seemed to slow or weaken during the course of the fight.

Perhaps more importantly though, he displayed a great deal of confidence and pluck when knocked to the mat by Ogre, a fighter who was very likely the stronger man in that particular contest.

Drago on the other hand, was pensive in the first few minutes of his fight with Apollo, and later showed weakness of character in his bout with Rocky Balboa, both fighters who were known to be physically inferior to him.

This disparity in maturity and strength of character, combined with the fact that I’d be willing to bet The Chong would go out of his way to fight dirty; seems to indicate that he would be able “figure out” Drago at some point in the proceedings.

Besides, Drago cried like a bitch…

Winner: Chong Li, On Account Of Experience And Toughness


Filed under: Boxing, Games, Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, Villain Showdown, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“I’ve Got A Problem Here…”

Ah, Jek Porkins; how we hardly knew thee.

To the scant few out there on the intersnatch that don’t know the story of Jek Porkins, I offer this brief history lesson:

From what I can recall from my Star Wars obsessed childhood, Jek Porkins was from the planet Bestine IV.

Where that is, or what significance that planet holds in the greater Star Wars universe, I have no fucking clue.

Pretty much everything you’ll be reading in this little bio section here came from a trading card and a handful of comics, so don’t be surprised if there’s a few holes here and there.

 

Pictured: Said trading card. I've got like a dozen of these...

Disclaimer aside, let’s continue with the epic saga of Jek Porkins, shall we?

A trader and a pilot before The Empire made him and his people refugees, Porkins joined up with the Rebel Alliance and became a pilot in their starfleet.

Due to his obese, vaguely Stay Puft Marshmallow Man-like physique, Porkins was awarded politically incorrect (and hilarious) nicknames such as “Belly Runner” and “Piggy” during his tenure in the Rebel starfleet.

 

"Sucks to your ass-mar!"

The highlight of Porkin’s career came tragically (and hilariously) at the end of his life during the Battle of Yavin, when while piloting X-Wing fighter Red Six along the surface of the Death Star, his ship malfunctioned, causing him to fall prey to the space station’s Turbolasers.

It was this moment, Porkin’s death; that immortalized the character of Jek Porkins in the minds and imaginations of sci-fi dorks throughout the world.

However morbid it may sound, there’s just something satisfying about watching a fat man die in a movie; particularly when he does so in such a pathetic manner.

 

Case in point...

To my recollection, Porkins accomplished exactly nothing at the Battle of Yavin.

Seriously, it’s a fuckin’ miracle that tank-ass Porkins even managed to get his S-Foils open without self-pwning.

Regardless of what the expanded fiction and lore of Star Wars may indicate these days, what I remember seeing of Porkins during the running time of A New Hope; consisted of him flying in formation, helping Biggs take out a tower, and then exploding in a fiery (and flabby) blaze of sad.

Hell, I’ve read that he took a Turbolaser up his ass, but based on what I remember of the movie; I always kind of thought his ship exploded on it’s own due to malfunction.

Now that I think of it, that actually kind of works out in some ways.

He was just so damn fat, and so damn sad, that his ship just up and FAILED itself into oblivion, thereby ensuring that if would never have to bear the humiliation of hauling his chunky ass across the galaxy ever again.

Anyway, consider this a tribute of sorts to the marvelous death of the fat sack of fail known to the world of dorkdom as Jek Porkins.

Salute to Porkins, salute to the equally humorously named actor, William Hootkins; that portrayed him (as well as many other memorable fat guys of the 80’s) in A New Hope.

More than anything though, salute to George Lucas, that evil greedy bastard; for having the balls to insert a blatant fat joke into an action-packed sequence of galactic warfare.

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top 3 Academy Awardees… That Make The Academy Facepalm

Tonight we celebrated the 83rd edition of the Academy Awards.

Predictably, the English thespian uber-beast that is Colin FIRRRTHHHH managed to walk away with a Best Actor award, while Natalie Portman bagged the Best Actress.

While I haven’t seen The King’s Speech or Black Swan, and thusly can’t speak to the performances of these actors; in keeping with the spirit of the Academy Award festivities this evening, I’ve decided to put together a small list of the top 3 biggest FUCK-UPS the Academy saw fit to hand Best Actor awards to.

The following actors all have one thing in common:

While all may have had some bankability/acting merit at some point in their career, somewhere down the road they saw fit to sell-out and participate in some legendarily horrid films, some of which may or may not contain bear suits and bees.

Anyway, let’s get on with the list:

#3. Anna Pacquin

Yikes! 'Guess I can throw away that theory of her "growing into" that gap...

Anna Pacquin managed to charm her way to a Supporting Actress golden statue for her role in 1993’s, The Piano.

She was 11 years old at the time, making it fairly evident that the Academy staff is likely packed to the brim with pedo-faces.

For those that need a visual aid...

Now, given that Ms. Pacquin was very young when she received her Oscar, you’d expect her experience in the craft would improve as she grew older, right?

WRONG.

Sometime after The Piano, Anna Pacquin would go on to have supporting roles in such classics as, She’s All That, the X-Men series, and even the oh so cleverly titled horror anthology film, Trick ‘r Treat.

Also featuring that fat kid from Bad Santa!

While some might argue that Ms. Pacquin has seemingly found new life in her career with her leading role in the cable series True Blood, I would argue that she’s still very much in crap-town in terms of her bankability.

Case in point, she’s been cast in the upcoming (and largely unwanted) Scream 4, which retains almost none of the cast from the previous films.

Typically that’s not a good sign when dealing with (unwanted) sequels, just look what happened with Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

#2: Sandra Bullock

 

Am I supposed to be turned on? 'Cause I'm really not... Kinda' hungry, but definitely not turned on...

“It was called The Net, with that girl from the bus…” – Frank Costanza, Seinfeld

Sandra Bullock snagged a Best Actress award in 2009 for her “transformative” role in The Blind Side.

While I would argue that the movie itself was actually kind of flat, with Ms. Bullock’s performance doing little to add to it’s mediocrity; the academy saw fit to give her the nod, thusly solidifying her place on this list.

Sandra Bullock had a rather odd journey to the Academy Awards.

Early on she was TV movie tripe like, Bionic Showdown: The Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman.

Thought I was kiddin', didin'cha'?

Then she started to move up in the world, landing supporting roles in modern classics like Demolition Man, and Speed.

That’s right, MODERN. CLASSICS.

Then she got greedy and started conning her way into starring roles in horse shit like The Net, and Speed 2: Cruise Control.

 

Pictured: A shitty, and severly dated movie.

Then came the beginning of the new millenium.

Then, came the era of congeniality.

Tens of thousands were killed in the angry riots spawned by the release of the first Miss Congeniality.

Entire nations were felled in the anarchic firestorm brought on by the announcement of the second in the series, Miss Congeniality: Armed and Fabulous.

Given her greedy nature, combined with the relative stagnation of her career since achieving Oscar gold, I would not be surprised if Ms. Bullock had her goons in Hollywood pounding out a script for Miss Congeniality 3: Botoxed and Beautiful, as we speak…

#1: Nicolas Cage

If you're trying to scare me Mr. Cage, you have succeeded...

No list of Hollywood burn-outs could be complete without the inclusion of Nic Cage.

The Cage began his stint in Hollywood from humble beginnings.

Well, if you call being the nephew of one of the most influential and respected directors of all time, “humble.”

Early on, Cage made an impression in Hollywood with his critically acclaimed role as a douche bag in a handful of scenes from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

 

The Birth of a Legend...

Said performance would prove to be an acting formula Mr. Cage would draw from in crafting many of his finer roles.

For several years, Nic Cage would pop up in films, largely in background roles; often times stealing the show with his unearthly powers of scenery-chewing and not-giving-a-fuck.

Then came Moonstruck, a film that received enormous critical acclaim; and very likely would’ve netted Mr. Cage an Oscar had Cher not overwhelmed his performance with her massive aura of FAIL and gender neutrality.

 

WHAT.... IS, IT!!!!!????

Years passed, and Cage, now starting to make waves as the possible “next big thing” in the industry, started churning out half-assed shit like Firebirds, seemingly for the fun of it.

Few realized it at the time, but the man was challenging us to a twisted and bizarre game of his own designs, daring us to take him seriously as an actor one minute, only for him to turn heel and pump out half-assed performances in blockbuster films.

It was a game only he himself could understand, let alone enjoy; and yet for some reason we foolishly kept coming back for more.

As with his acting method founded so long ago on the bleachers of Ridgemont High, Nic Cage; sly son of a bitch that he is, once again found a new devious element to add to his modus operandi…

1995 saw the release of Leaving Las Vegas, the film that would finally give Nic Cage his Best Actor award.

 

Pictured: Nic Cage's acting coaches.

Despite receiving universal acclaim critics worldwide, Nic Cage would later go on record stating that he had no memory of ever having made a film called “Leaving Las Vegas,” claiming that he spent all of ’95 fighting savage women on one of his privately owned islands while wearing a bear-suit.

Regardless of the truth of this matter, Nic Cage would display great proficiency in bear-suit combat tactics in some of his later films, suggesting he may indeed have had prior experience in said activities…

Following his Oscar success, the Nic Cage floodgates of crappiness and truly not-giving-a-fuck would burst wide open.

Amplifying Nic Cage’s powers of “phoning-it-in” and “not-giving-a-damn” 10 fold, Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay would go on to sink their claws into the enigma that is The Cage; casting him in overblown crap-fest after overblown retarded crap-fest for years to come.

 

Urge to kill, RISING...

Con Air, the Gone in 60 Seconds remake, the National Treasure series, horrible movies thrown in our faces cock-first, over and over and over again every summer…

Then, things got worse.

While few could argue that Next, Bangkok Dangerous, and The Sorceror’s Apprentice were *ahem!* “taxing,” even for the sternest of Nic Cage fans; everything seemed to come to a head with 2006’s remake of The Wicker Man.

Awe-inspiringly bad, to the point where few could argue that Nic Cage had finally topped himself in terms of simultaneously not-giving-a-shit and intentionally trying to ruin a film; The Wicker Man was the proverbial dick-slap to the face of the Academy that awarded him as Best Actor of 1995.

It was a facepalm for the ages, and one I believe most in Hollywood relive every time Nic Cage’s face pops up on a movie poster.

With potential gems like Drive Angry and Ghost Rider 2 still regularly showing up on Mr. Cage’s resume in the foreseeable future, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Academy actually tries to take back that award somewhere down the line…

 

 

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Virtual Boy Sucked…

The Virtual Boy was a piece of shit.

I’ve known exactly 2 people that have owned one, and both were anything but proud of that fact.

Boasting a bulky, not-quite portable design, a crappy 3-D gimmick, and a truly hideous red-and-black only graphical display, the Virtual Boy represented one of, or possibly; the biggest failures in Nintendo’s long history.

Piss-poor sales figures were attributed to a fairly high price tag, miniscule (and crappy) game library with very few third-party products, and of course; poor quality of product.

It doesn’t take a genius to tell you that a not-quite portable videogame console that requires the player to strap it to their fucking head in order to play it, probably isn’t going to appeal to all that many people, especially to those that, y’know; have friends.

Pictured: No-Friends McGee enjoying a good skull-fucking via his Virtual Boy.

Despite all this, Nintendo went all-in with the Virtual Boy, going to great lengths to advertise the everloving shit out of it in classic mid-90’s, ” in your face” fashion:

To be fair that was pretty fuckin’ epic, however that doesn’t make the Virtual Boy itself any less crappy than it actually was.

Of the 14 North American games for the Virtual Boy, Teleroboxer and Wario Land stuck out from the crowd with their lush graphics, tight controls, and solid gameplay mechanics.

Curiously enough, that Real Steel movie has basically the same concept as Teleroboxer. Jus' Sayin is all...

Trust me, it’s never a good sign when your consoles best games consist of an inferior Super Punch-Out!! clone, and a port of year old Gameboy game.

Pretty much everything else was total crap though.

Especially Waterworld.

Waterworld was absolute shit.


In the interest of having at least one element of positivity in this post, I figure it would be good of me to point out a few aspects of the Virtual Boy that I actually liked.

The first thing that comes to mind, is the design of the Virtual Boy’s controller.

While it’s button configuration is a little awkward, with it’s dual d-pads and left-adjusted “start” and “select” buttons; I personally found the Virtual Boy controller to feel quite comfortable in my tiny Azn Badger hands.

Curiously enough, the Virtual Boy controller bears a vague resemblance to current gen controllers like the Xbox 360 one, largely due to the inclusion of “trigger” buttons located on virtually the same part of the controller.

Pictured: An Xbox 360 controller AKA The "American" controller.

The second aspect of the Virtual that seemed kind of cool to me… doesn’t exist, because the Virtual Boy was that damn shitty.

Anyway, I think that’s all I’ve got to say about the Virtual boy for tonight.

See yah’ tomorrow!

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Summon Ned Land!

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea is a movie that is very dear to my heart.

One of the earliest films I can recall seeing in the earliest years of my childhood, Leagues is embedded in my memory as easily one of the most enduring, and wholly watchable films I’ve ever encountered.

Simply put, the film has everything a young boy could want in a movie:

Action, adventure, fantasy, sci-fi, fist fights, giant squids, sea shanties, virtually everything awesome and worthwhile in the world of film is found in some capacity within 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

Perhaps the largest factor in my enjoyment of Leagues, both as a child and as a nostalgic adult; was the combined awesomeness of Kirk Douglas and James Mason.

While I mentioned James Mason’s Captain Nemo at great length on my top 5 traumatic deaths in movies, Kirk Douglas’ turn as the harpooner Ned Land was easily the biggest selling point for the movie.

Well, besides the giant squid anyway…

Giant Squid FTW!

Seriously, if you any appreciation for acting performances involving manly dudes being manly in the 50’s, then 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea should be on the top of your “most awesome movies” list.

Anyway, for the Leagues deprived people reading this, I present to you this fantastic little diddy sung by Mr. Douglas himself:

If you haven’t seen Leagues yet, then be sure to check it out.

If you have seen Leagues, then it’s probably about time you sat down to watch it again.

At least that’s what I’m gonna’ do tonight…

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