Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Bad Ass Looks Bad Ass

My first reaction to this trailer was to say to myself:

“Who the fuck made a movie about my dad without his consent?”

I’m not even kidding.

My dad might not be Mexican, or look at all like Danny Trejo for that matter, but if you were to throw a camo jacket on him, and put him on a bus, chances are the events of this trailer would inevitably play out, in real life; and likely with twice as many fist fights.

Speaking of Danny Trejo, I’m happy to see him finally get some leading roles at this late stage in his career.

Typically a typecast supporting actor, my dad and I used to have a joke about Mr. Trejo, namely the fact that he seemed to die in every movie we saw him in.

Thankfully, someone else took the time to assemble this, a nearly 4 minute compilation of every Trejo death in all of cinema:

Any man who’s been killed by Jason Mewes, Bobby D and Mickey Rourke, (twice!) has my respect.

When I was a kid, my friends and I knew him as “That Guy,” but somewhere down the line, through his many epic onscreen deaths; he earned the greatest honor any bit actor can hope to achieve:

That of making his name known to the general public.

That being said, while Machete, and now Bad Ass remain his only starring roles, Mr. Trejo has come a long way from his days of playing “Ruddy Complexioned Mexican #5.”

While Bad Ass does in fact look bad ass, in a less extreme/stylized Hobo With a Shotgun sort of way, the whole “based on a true story” thing has got me a little confused.

I mean, it’s made fairly clear that the concept of the movie is taken from this:

The rest of the movie however, is undoubtedly bullshit.

That’s necessarily a bad thing, I just don’t get why they’d bother to base a movie on a well-known incident, only to go ahead and fictionalize the rest of the story.

“Inspired by” likely would’ve been the proper turn of phrase.

Also, I hate to say it, ’cause it’s so fuckin’ obvious that it makes me sound like a simpleton for mentioning it, but both the title and the concept feel a little to close to Kick-Ass if you ask me.

Then again, I’m not a Hollywood marketing rep that stares at market research data all day, so maybe those similarities are exactly what is going to make the movie bankable.

Even so, the lack of humor/heart in the trailer lead me to believe even that won’t save it.

That being said, the movie honestly doesn’t look all that worthwhile, outside of the punching I mean, though I’d be curious to see how my dad would react to it.

My guess is he’d find a tad more relatable than he’d care to admit…

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Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , ,

The In-Ring History Of Smokin’ Joe Frazier

Joe Frazier: January 12, 1944 – November 7, 2011

32-4-1, 27 KO’s

It saddens me to know that this article started out as a tribute to, rather than a memorial of Joe Frazier.

That being said, as you might have heard by now, earlier today Philadelphia’s own Smokin’ Joe Frazier succumbed to liver cancer while in hospice.

Despite a prosperous, and nearly 3 year reign as the heavyweight boxing champion of the world, at the time perhaps the single most universally regarded of all sports championships; the story of Joe Frazier’s career is one that is often times obscured by the achievements of his contemporaries.

It is also one that is tragically wrought with bitterness and frustration.

As a lifelong fan of boxing, it’s hard to deny that, while undeniably well known and acknowledged by the boxing community; Frazier has never really received the same level of publicity and cultural relevance that he likely deserved.

True, he never had the same transcendent charisma of his nemesis, Muhammad Ali, but the fact remains, even among hardcore fans of boxing, his name was never dropped with the frequency and enthusiasm that one would expect for a fighter of his legendary ability.

Well, outside of Philly anyway.

That being said, as a big fan of boxing, particularly in regards to it’s colorful history; I figure today is as good as any to pick my own brain and share with you all a detailed look at the career of Joe Frazier as I remember it.

Let’s start at the beginning shall we:

If I remember correctly, despite Frazier’s association with the city of Philadelphia as it’s “favorite son,” he was actually born in the town of Beaufort, South Carolina.

Just so you know, adoptive hometowns are not at all a rare occurrence in the sport of boxing, as the New Jersey based Arturo Gatti was originally from Montreal, and on that same note, I believe Marvelous Marvin Hagler of Brockton, Massachusetts was actually from Newark.

That being said, unlike many other fighters, Frazier took to boxing relatively late in life, at the age of 15.

From what I can recall, much like was the case with Mike Tyson, he entered into the sport somewhat overweight.

As an amateur, Joe Frazier only lost once, to future contender and rival, Buster Mathis.

From what I understand, Frazier’s feelings for Mathis were often contentious, not only due to the loss, but because their stylistic differences and training habits were like night and day.

Coincidentally, due to an injury Buster Mathis would later end up abdicating his slot on the 1964 Olympic team to Frazier, resulting in Smokin’ Joe’s first major step to fame and glory in the form of earning a gold medal at the games.

Turning professional in 1965, Frazier cut a swath through the heavyweight division under trainer Eddie Futch, knocking out his first 11 opponents, and defeating notables such as Oscar Bonavena and George Chuvalo, among others.

In 1968, Frazier once again fought former amateur rival Buster Mathis, this time as world class professionals in contention of the New York regional title, a partial championship designed to eventually produce a legitimate champion in light of Muhammad Ali having recently been stripped of his world title.

Fighting in Madison Square Garden, the Frazier and Mathis reached equilibrium early on, trading rounds throughout the first 6 rounds.

Eventually though, as tended to happen in Joe Frazier fights, the tide began to turn, and Smokin’ Joe quickly began to outpace and outpunch Mathis from the 7th round on.

Sure enough, by the 11th round, Frazier punished Mathis down to the canvas, and earned the KO victory.

Frazier would go on to defend his regional title a total of 4 times, besting fan favorite Jerry Quarry during this time.

In 1970, Frazier would challenge for the unified world championship (the real title) against Kentuckian Jimmy Ellis.

Both fighters claimed victories over several common opponents, as well as were possessed of terrific punching power, however after only 5 rounds, Frazier managed to lay waste to Ellis, in a decisive TKO victory that forced trainer Angelo Dundee to throw in the towel for his man, Ellis.

In his first defense of his title, Frazier laid waste to hall of fame light heavyweight Bob Foster inside of 2 rounds.

Following this, in the year 1971, Frazier was set in place to defend his title against the freshly re-licensed Muhammad Ali.

Though it likely wasn’t as well known as it is today, Joe Frazier was instrumental in bringing Ali back to the sport.

Frazier was so opposed to the idea of Ali being stripped of his title, that his initial reaction to the idea of the regional title bouts to crown a champion for the vacant title, was one of disgust and dismissal.

Frazier’s momentum was red hot at the time Ali announced his “retirement,” and it’s well known that he would’ve liked to have fought for the title prior to Ali’s “lost years.”

That being said, Frazier devoted a great deal of time and money towards appealing Ali’s case to commission, going so far as to appeal the case directly to president Richard Nixon; only to ultimately feel betrayed as Ali would go on to publicly berate and deface him once the fight contracts had been signed.

It’s debatable whether Ali’s poor treatment of Frazier was a result of showmanship, or genuine malice, but regardless; his actions would result in Frazier’s lifelong enmity for the Louisville Lip.

Taking his feelings of bitterness and betrayal into the ring with him, Frazier laid into Ali with a fervor befitting of a bout billed as “The Fight of the Century.”

Ali took some of the early rounds with stiff jabs and crackling combinations, however Joe pressed on, landing to the body and building momentum as the rounds wore on.

Both men were hurt numerous times in the fight, with neither man ever seeming to gain a significant lead, that is; until the very last round.

In the 15th round, Frazier uncorked one of the single most famous punches in all of boxing history, a booming left hook to Ali’s jaw that sent him the canvas, literally turning the fight in Frazier’s favor with seconds to spare.

It was a momentous occasion in Frazier’s career, and one that was further sweetened by the judges awarding him the victory just a few short minutes afterwards.

Following the Ali fight, Frazier would go on to defend his title twice more, knocking out a pair of solid contenders.

In 1973 however, Joe Frazier would record his first loss as a professional, against gold medalist and undefeated power puncher, George Foreman.

Using a highly physical and upright style, Foreman walloped Frazier at distance with crushing blows, managing to put the traditionally iron-chinned Frazier to the canvas 6 times within 2 rounds.

Though it was one of the darker moments of his in-ring exploits, it was this fight that ultimately produced Howard Cosell’s famous cries of “Down goes Frazier!  Down goes Frazier!  Down Goes Frazier!”

Truly, it was one of the more decisive and one-sided occasions on which the heavyweight title changed hands, right up there with Tyson vs. Spinks.

No longer champion, Frazier immediately set to work rebuilding his momentum, winning a tough bout against Joe Bugner in London, and ultimately signing for a second bout with Muhammad Ali.

As a champion, Frazier had fought on a fairly limited basis, and following his catastrophic loss to George Foreman, many felt he was already showing clear signs of decline in his boxing ability at only 30 years of age.

Ali on the other hand, had remained surprisingly active since 1971, accumulating numerous victories, and losses, against notable competition such as a shopworn Bob Foster and Floyd Patterson, as well as a prime Ken Norton.

Despite both men being legitimate, hungry contenders, much like virtually every pay-per-view bout in the current age of boxing, Ali/Frazier II was viewed by boxing insiders as a pointless money play.

Despite this, during promotional events, Frazier remained deathly serious about the contest, evening going so far as become physical with Ali on Wide World of Sports.

While undeniably a less exciting bout when compared to the first and the third in the series of bouts these 2 legends produced, Ali/Frazier II was still a fight that both men should be proud to place on their resumes.

Ultimately, Ali boxed his way to a somewhat disputed decision victory, holding behind the head without penalty on an ungodly number of occasions, and generally doing more to nullify Frazier’s assault rather than directly combat it.

Discouraged but still burning for a second bout with Foreman, Smokin’ Joe Frazier pressed on, once again KO’ing past opponents, Jerry Quarry and Jimmy Ellis.

Then, as fate would have it, Frazier once again found himself in a position to step into the ring with Muhammad Ali, this time for the heavyweight championship.

Since defeating Frazier in 1974, Ali had gone on to achieve what is regarded as one of the finer accomplishments in his illustrious career, that of dethroning the seemingly invincible George Foreman in Kinshasa, Zaire via 8th round KO.

As was the case in their previous 2 bouts, Frazier and Ali remained at each other’s throats during the pre-fight promotional events.

While many, most of all Ali, viewed Frazier as being well on his way towards being “washed-up,” Frazier sought to prove them wrong as he engaged in what has been well documented as one of the most intense training camps of his career.

In 1975, Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier stepped into the ring together for the third and final time in Quezon City of the Philippines.

Fought early in the morning due to international time-zone differences, and at a blistering temperature somewhere between 90 and 100 degrees, the “Thrilla in Manila” has since gone on to be regarded as one of the finest bouts in all of boxing history.

The contest got off to a furious start, and continued at a remarkably expedient clip throughout it’s entirety, particularly by heavyweight standards.

Both men fought their hearts out, laying into one another with reckless abandon.

From round to round, it truly seemed as if both fighters were dead set on leaving everything they left in the ring that day, career longevity be damned.

Ali overextended himself in the early rounds, underestimating Frazier’s tenacity, leaving Smokin’ Joe to take control and batter his body in the middle rounds.

Past the 10th round though, Joe began to tire, and Ali relied more on pure boxing, landing shots at range, and eventually closing Frazier’s left eye in the process.

During the 13th round, Frazier’s mouthpiece came out, causing him to be battered for nearly 2 minutes without a mouthpiece, resulting in numerous cuts opening inside his mouth.

Virtually blind, Frazier was eventually forced to retire on his stool at the conclusion of the 14th round by his trainer Eddie Futch, resulting in TKO victory for Ali.

While few could argue that Frazier was likely the worse for wear, it’s interesting to note that both Muhammad Ali and Angelo Dundee were seriously considering bowing out of the fight at this point as well.

In fact, Ali was quoted as having said that the “Thrilla in Manila” was the “closest he ever felt to dying.”

Despite this, Frazier remained furious at the result, maintaining that he was more than capable of continuing the fight.

Such was the case when it came to Joe Frazier.

Following his second loss to Ali, Frazier would go on to finally get his second shot at a now title-less George Foreman in 1976.

With a shaved head, Frazier stepped into the bout resolute and determined to avenge the most grave of his losses, though ultimately, it was not to be.

Fighting smarter, and more defensively, Frazier evaded more of Foreman’s shots than in their brief first contest, though a single thunderous left hook managed to put him down in the 5th round, with a second down and ultimately a referee stoppage following soon after.

Following this, the 4th and final defeat of his career; Joe Frazier retired, only to resurface some 5 years later in an unexpected comeback against fringe contender Floyd Cummings.

The bout was a rough and tumble affair, earning neither fighter any sort of praise for their efforts, and ultimately resulting in a disappointing draw, the first and only of Joe Frazier’s career.

Following this, Frazier would retire for good, becoming an entrepreneur and trainer among other things.

Regardless of the circumstances, active or retired, one could always count on Joe Frazier to knuckle down and keep on truckin’.

Throughout his career, Joe Frazier was regarded as a fairly slow starter, but one that would press on and eventually get the better of almost anyone you put in front of him.

Relatively small for a heavyweight, Joe Frazier was a swarming pressure fighter possessed of crushing punching power and some of the most ingenious and brilliantly executed head movement in the history of the sport.

Indeed, it was likely his physical deficiencies, in the form a short reach and height, which resulted in him adopting the bulldog-like infighting style he was famous for.

On that same note, it was likely this face-first style that resulted in his prime arriving and fading with the expedience that it did.

Fighting his entire career in what is perhaps the greatest era of heavyweight boxing, Frazier’s long but largely insignificant title reign likely could’ve been a historic reign had he not faced the legendary competition he did.

It’s easy to forget, but in 37 contests, Joe Frazier only lost to 2 men, namely Muhammad Ali and George Foreman.

While both of those men undoubtedly achieved feats equal to, and in some cases, greater than Joe Frazier; it’s hard to deny that any fighter would be envious of suffering defeats exclusively to 2 of the best heavyweights of all time.

Not even Ali or Foreman themselves were fortunate to claim such an achievement, with both sustaining needless losses to middling competition over the course of their lengthy careers.

Indeed, in many ways it’s to Smokin’ Joe’s credit that he saw the writing on the wall and decided to retire when he did.

That being said, Joe Frazier was one of the best, in a time when to be the best, very well may have meant being the best of all time.

For that, among many other events and accolades not mentioned in this article, I will forever remember Philadelphia’s favorite son, Smokin’ Joe Frazier.


R.I.P Smokin’ Joe Frazier

Filed under: Boxing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

So… A Famous Person Died Today

He blames YOU.

So… Steve Jobs died today.

I didn’t know him.

I didn’t admire him.

And most of what I know of him I learned from a TV special called Pirates of Silicon Valley starring that one guy from E.R. and the nerdy blond kid from Weird Science.

That's one helluva' racy font for such a nerdy movie...

Even so, I’ve owned 1-2 of his products over the years, he seemed like a cool guy, and he was only 56 years old, so yes; even for someone like me who has virtually no attachment to his brand or legacy, it does indeed suck that he’s dead.

That being said, in light of said suckiness, I figured I’d share with you all a clever (and sadly, still relevant) sketch that always brought a smile to my face with it’s goofy depiction of a megalomaniacal Steve Jobs:

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , ,

And Now, The Chinese Prime Minister From Rush Hour Getting Hit By A Train.


That is all.

Filed under: Kung Fu, Movies, , , , , , ,

Rest In Peace Macho Man Randy Savage

Awhile back I posted on this blog about a nickname I received at work.

That nickname was of course, Bonesaw; Macho Man Randy Savage’s character from the 2002 Spider-Man movie:

Said nickname was given to me on account of my tendency to randomly spout off various Savage-isms with alarming regularity.

Yes, I have practiced my Randy Savage in the mirror, and yes; I am quite adept at mimicking the awesomeness of his majesty.

That being said, being as the Macho Man was taken from us earlier today; I feel it’s my duty to use this blog post to pay homage to his memory.

While I would consider myself a fan of wrestling, the majority of Randy Savage’s more famous moments actually came before my time.

Growing up, I caught the tail end of the classic era, and kept up with the WWF and WCW stuff all the way through the Monday Night Wars/Attitude era; essentially giving up on the “sport” around the time The Rock transformed from The Rock to his lesser equivalent, the appropriately named, Dwayne.

Through all of this, Randy Savage didn’t really have much of a presence for me in wrestling.

Where he did have my attention though, was on Saturday mornings where he would frequently interrupt my cartoons by blowing through walls n’shit to preach the word of the Slim Jim:

To date, I have yet to consume a Slim Jim, though I’d be lying if the Savage didn’t make me feel like I was missing out on something awesome.

While I don’t remember seeing the Macho Man actually wrestle all that often, I feel fortunate to have grown up watching his mic performances; as they were, and still are; some of the best of all time.

When I was a kid, the WWF was largely in transition; foolishly trying to outmode characters like the Macho Man, and replace them with unworthy “badasses” like Diesel, or the Ultimate Warrior.

This resulted in Randy Savage being cast off to the side, acting more like a manager than an actual wrestler.

This would carry on well into his tenure in the WCW, though not without good reason.

Simply put, the Macho Man was a wizard when it came to pageantry and mic skills.

Not long ago I posted a promo video of the Macho Man doing a promo for the new WWF All-Stars (no force on this Earth can make me say the “E”) videogame, and while he may have aged a great deal since we last saw him; holy fuck did he still have it:

Seriously man, if wrestlers these days could do half of what Randy Savage did on the mic, at any stage in his career; I’d still be watching today’s so-called wrestling.

That being said, while I wasn’t really around to see any of it; there was a time when Randy Savage was one of the best wrestlers in the business.

A long time ago I remember looking up the “best wrestling matches of all time,” and one match that kept popping up was of course Randy Savage’s energetic match with Ricky Steamboat at Wrestlemania III:

For it’s time, and by any standards really; this match was a testament to the power of in-ring storytelling.

Randy Savage was an exceptional wrestler, and an icon of my youth.

It saddens me to know that he’s gone, though I’m happy he decided to appear in the WWF All-Stars game.

The game might not be that great, but at least it’ll give the youth of today a little window into what wrestling was like with the Macho Man Randy Savage:

Colorful, exciting, and just plain BETTER.

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Summon Ned Land!

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea is a movie that is very dear to my heart.

One of the earliest films I can recall seeing in the earliest years of my childhood, Leagues is embedded in my memory as easily one of the most enduring, and wholly watchable films I’ve ever encountered.

Simply put, the film has everything a young boy could want in a movie:

Action, adventure, fantasy, sci-fi, fist fights, giant squids, sea shanties, virtually everything awesome and worthwhile in the world of film is found in some capacity within 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

Perhaps the largest factor in my enjoyment of Leagues, both as a child and as a nostalgic adult; was the combined awesomeness of Kirk Douglas and James Mason.

While I mentioned James Mason’s Captain Nemo at great length on my top 5 traumatic deaths in movies, Kirk Douglas’ turn as the harpooner Ned Land was easily the biggest selling point for the movie.

Well, besides the giant squid anyway…

Giant Squid FTW!

Seriously, if you any appreciation for acting performances involving manly dudes being manly in the 50’s, then 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea should be on the top of your “most awesome movies” list.

Anyway, for the Leagues deprived people reading this, I present to you this fantastic little diddy sung by Mr. Douglas himself:

If you haven’t seen Leagues yet, then be sure to check it out.

If you have seen Leagues, then it’s probably about time you sat down to watch it again.

At least that’s what I’m gonna’ do tonight…

Filed under: Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“You Betrayed Shiva!”

I don’t know why, but for some reason I’ve been in a very Spielberg/Lucas-y mood for the past week or so.

For those that don’t get the quote/reference featured on the card, I direct you to this amusing waste of time.

I’m pretty sure it all started last weekend when my buddy Mencius was kind enough to show me the Red Letter Media critique/analysis of Star Wars Episode III.

For those that haven’t seen the video, it’s serves as both an insightful and hilarious look at Episode III, as well as the nature of the entire Star Wars film franchise.

Truth be told, the way the whole thing was structured, it actually kind of reminded me of the writing style I use for posts on this blog.

Y’know, tidbits of information/humor, separated by irreverent and/or stupid images and captions.

Kind of like this.

Anyway, that’s my explanation for all the Harrison Ford/Indiana Jones references as of late.

Seeing as Lucas-ian products serve as a near bottomless treasure trove for retarded (and amusing) quotes and references, I wouldn’t be surprised if this keeps up for some time.

Hey, it’s not my fault I’ve got nothing to write about, not a whole is happening in my particular corner of the woods of dorkiness.

And no, I don’t give a shit that Johnny Storm/The Human Torch of The Fantastic Four died last week.

Johnny Storm, showing us just why he had to die.

I’ve never been a fan of The Fantastic Four, and while I find it interesting that the one member of the team that I had any appreciation for is the one Marvel decided to kill off; I don’t see myself ever owning or reading a Fantastic Four book in a good long while.

Anyway, here’s hoping I find something to write about soon, otherwise I’m just gonna’ keep making Magic cards until I’ve got a whole fuckin’ deck of ’em…

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Farewell To Pete Postlethwaite

Pete Postlethwaite, 02/07/1946 - 01/02/2011

It’s old news to all those who would care to know, but 2 days ago English actor and thespian Pete Postlethwaite passed away.

While not exactly a headlining star in the film industry, Postlethwaite spent the better part of 3 decades as a go-to supporting actor in a myriad of films and genres.

Possessed of an incredibly powerful, distinct, and versatile speaking voice; Postlethwaite was a deeply respected actor whose presence could serve to legitimize most any production, regardless of his lack of household name status in Hollywood.

The first time I remember seeing Mr. Postlethwaite was in the live-action/stop-motion animated film adaptation of Roald Dahl’s James and the Giant Peach.\

Yeah, somebody was on the crack...

The movie was a huge deal at the time, as Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas had recently re-energized stop-motion for mainstream audiences; not to mention my elementary school class was right in the middle of a Roald Dahl reading binge around the time of it’s release.

Postlethwaite played a small, but pivotal role in the film; as the mysterious pixie-like man that gave James the glowing worms to free him from his evil aunts.

While I was a little bit too young to appreciate the art of acting at the time, I have to admit; the character of Postlethwaite’s face, and the way he used to it embody the spark of energy and cleverness of his character, made the 9 year old me believe he really could’ve been magical.

Since my first encounter with Postlethwaite, I’ve gone to run across him in films too numerous to count.

I laughed at him in Dragonheart.

 

Man, Postlethwaite spit some sick-ass rhymes in this movie...

I was startled to seem him so meek and pitiable in Alien 3.

 

He's about 2 seconds from getting his head ripped off...

I was saddened to see him make his exit so hastily in the god-awful Clash of the Titans remake.

 

T

*Sigh* If only Pete had been the main character instead of Sam Worthington...

But for my money, the finest and most memorable role I remember seeing Pete Postlethwaite in; was as the great white hunter Roland Tembo in The Lost World.

Hell, I still have his fuckin’ action figure:

Truth be told, it's actually a stunning likeness.

If you read my Top 10 Overkills in Movies post on the Lost World, then chances are you recall my many (hopefully humorous) asides to Postlethwaite’s character in the film.

I did that, because Postlethwaite was THE SHIT in The Lost World, and that was my way of trying to drive that point home.

"When did you last see him?" "I don't know sir, I'm too busy shitting my pants over how fucking epic you are..."

Seriously, of all the quotable quotations in the Jurassic Park films, (well, the first 2 anyway…) Postlethwaite’s Tembo was one of the best.

Rest assured, if ever I’m asked if I found something/something, my response will always be:

“Just the parts they didn’t like…”

Anyway, rest in peace Pete Postlethwaite, your wild-eyed, strong-voiced, almost Obi-Wan-like wise old manliness will be sorely missed.

Here’s hoping you finally get a chance to bag that male/bull T-Rex in the afterlife, hopefully right alongside Bob Peck on his Raptor hunt.

Thanks for the memories guys. Goddamnit, Jeff Goldblum better not be next...

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top 5 Traumatic Deaths in Movies

Today we’re gonna’ be talkin’ about SAD SHIT.

SAD SHIT as in The Top 5 Traumatic Deaths in Movies kinda’ SAD.

Please take note that everything contained in this list is a product of the Azn Badger’s childhood; so don’t expect any movies on here to be made anytime past the mid-90’s.

Anyway, let’s get thing’s rollin’, shall we?:

#5. The NeverEnding Story – Artax Eats Some Mud. Check That, A Lot of Mud…

The NeverEnding Story was a tough movie for me to watch as a kid.

It was long, I didn’t really get it, there was a lot of unintentionally scary imagery, and oh yeah, it was long.

Pictured: One of the INTENTIONALLY scary parts of The Neverending Story.

So long in fact, that I never really finished it as a kid, resulting in me thinking the whole thing ended with the end of the world at the hands of The Nothing.

Pretty fuckin’ sad, am I right?

Thankfully, I went ahead and saw the rest of the movie a few years ago, thusly patching up a few childhood scars in the process.

That being said, while this death doesn’t really count as a death; ’cause if memory serves, Artax is still alive and well at the end of the movie, to the young Azn Badger the fuckin’ horse died in the mud hole.

Anyway, this death marks probably the first and only time the Azn Badger ever felt any sort of emotion in reference to a horse.

It was the fuckin’ kid that got to me, that girlie-boy Atreyu.

Hah! Father Time kicked his ASS!

They’re both standing in them mud, and the fuckin’ kid is blowin’ his lungs out screaming at his fuckin’ horse to “not give in to the sadness of the swamps” n’shit.

Meanwhile, the music is swelling and gettin’ all sad and crestfallen n’shit.

The whole thing was just too much for me as a kid, and for the life of me; I bought into it.

"Artax, you're sinking!" Oh God, make it stop!!!!

While I didn’t really “get” the Neverending Story back then, little episodes like Artax bitin’ the big one stuck with me on a visceral level; in this case, making me very sad.

Fun Fact – The only reason I remember that damn horse’s name is because of his death scene when Atreyu yells it about 50 times.

Repetition:  It works.

#4. The Lion King – Mufasa Gets 50,000 Wildebeasts Rammed Up His Ass

Who's featured most prominently on the poster? That's right, MUFASA.

Mufasa was a pimp.

You take the raw power of James Earl Jones’ voice, and transplant it into the body of the biggest, baddest, most pimp-as-fuck lion in all of existence; and you’ve got Mufasa.

"This, is CNN..."

Needless to say, in my youth; Mufasa’s death hit me pretty hard.

As I hope we all know, Mufasa met his fate at the hands of the combined force of a stampeding herd of wildebeast, and the nasty claws of Jeremy Irons.

Wow. Believe it or not, I think Irons just topped himself...

Any less, and I’m sure his pimp-ass self would’ve survived somehow.

Anyway, Mufasa; pimp that he is, rushes headlong into the stampede to save his pussy-ass son, Simba.

'The fuck was up with kid in the 90's anyway? He was EVERYWHERE.

While he is successful in rescuing the boy, Mufasa takes some serious shots from the fuckin’ wildebeasts, the kinda’ hits that would fold a lesser lion in half.

All the while, Hans Zimmer’s music was goin’ crazy, and all the kids in the audience were either pickin’ their boogers, or hoping against hope that ‘ole Mufasa was gonna’ pull through and not fall prey to “Bambi’s Mother Syndrome.”

That’s right Disney, don’t pretend that us kids don’t know about “Bambi’s Mother Syndrome.”

Disney: Teaching kids that their parents are gonna' die.

Just as Mufasa’s managed to escape the stampede for just a few seconds, out strolls his brother; Jeremy Irons.

Slimey prick that he is, Jeremy Irons busts out his freshly manicured nails; and digs them puppies into Mufasa’s paws; but not before saying something creepy and vaguely savage like:

How ironic that the pimpest of all lions would be felled by a bunch of wildebeast AKA the butt of every Discovery Channel predator/prey joke…

To make matters worse, Mufasa’s death has the added impact of having a 40 minute guilt trip attached to it.

Jeremy Irons tells Simba, straight to his face; that the whole thing was his fault.

This of course results in Simba running off into the wild for the next 10 years to eat bugs and talk to clouds.

Talking to clouds: Useful for convincing one's self to go out and kill their uncle.

Oh well, guess we all have to cope somehow…

#3. The Land Before Time – Littlefoot’s Mom Gets Sharptooth-ed

I betcha' this movie wouldn't have done half as well without the T. Rex on the cover.

The Land Before Time was a special movie for me back in the day.

Come to think of it, while I’m sure how it all worked out, Don Bluth movies were all some of my favorites as a kid.

Not this one though... This one was just plain awful...

While the Secret of NIMH was definitely the cream of the crop, even back in the day, (sword fight!) The Land Before Time had dinosaurs and Spielberg-ian funding, making it a close second.

Although it wasn’t a Disney production, rest assured Mr. Bluth saw fit to work some “Bambi’s Mother Syndrome” into the mix in the form of Littlefoot’s Mom.

Much like the Lion King after it, Littlefoot’s Mother meets her fate partially due to the actions of her son.

Stop smiling, you killed your mother!

In short, Littlefoot and Cera are dickin’ around in the wild, they piss off Sharptooth, Littlefoot’s Mom shows up to save the kids, does so, but is mortally wounded in the process.

Easy to see why, look at that beast! He's a fuckin' Pimp-A-Saurus Rex I tells yah'!

Cue lengthy and heartbreaking death scene wherein parent reminds child that “they’ll always be with them.”

While the actual battle with Sharptooth was awesome to the young Azn Badger, instead of horrifying as it may have been intended to be perceived, the death sequence afterwards was just plain tough to sit through.

Oh no, it's happening again!!!

Even now, I bet I’d have a tough time getting through it without biting my lip or taking a deep breath or 2.

#2. 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea – Captain Nemo Succumbs To His ACTING TALENT

20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, along with The Adventures of Robin Hood, was one of those terrific “old movies” that as a kid; I never knew was “old.”

I watched the both of them about a million times, and I don’t think I ever got close to getting tired of them.

While Robin Hood had swashbuckling and and ungodly amount of merry laughter, Leagues had Kirk Douglas and a GIANT FUCKING SQUID.

You have no idea how many times I sat through this entire movie just to get to this part.

The epic-ness of these 2 factors made for one of the single most spectacular and enchanting films of my childhood.

That being said, despite Kirk Douglas’ Ned Land being my favorite character, James Mason’s Captain Nemo was a pretty close second.

SO fucking pimp...

Even as a kid, I loved his pimp-ass beard, and the curious way in which he spoke.

His voice was awesome and all, but I loved the pace of his speech, how it was just a half beat slower than everyone else.

Appropriately, it made him seem enigmatic, like you’d never be able to figure out what he was thinking in a million years if you tried.

Anyway, while 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea was yet another movie that I didn’t quite “get” when I watched it as a kid, Captain Nemo’s death was something that I understood all too well.

As with seemingly all deaths on this list, the music made all the difference.

Captain Nemo is running atop the Nautilus, dodging incoming gunfire from the dudes that want his technological secrets.

He jukes left, he jukes right, and all the while the strings in the orchestra are goin’ fuckin’ nuts.

Suddenly, just as he’s within feet of the entrance to the lower deck of the submarine, his body spasms and the music crashes to a halt with a horrifying *DOOOOMMM!*

No squib, no blood spurt, just James Mason’s ACTING TALENT and the power of a music cue.

From there, the rest of the movie has Nemo, resigned to the fate of his eventual death; lurch and stumble his way through the submarine to a couch next to an undersea viewing window.

Nemo’s last moments are spent gazing into the deep blue that he loved so much.

While the death was pretty epic, it was the initial gunshot that hit me as a kid.

As soon as that music cue hit, my tiny heart sunk down to my toes.

*Sniff!* I honestly thought he was going to make it…

#1. Transformers: The Movie – Optimus Prime Becomes One With The Matrix

FUCK YES.

This may seem like a cop-out to some.

A predictable, bandwagon-y ploy to get the nerds to read the blog; however if any of you genuinely think that, then you obviously don’t know the Azn Badger.

As mentioned several times on this blog, I watched Transformers: The Movie, quite literally nearly every day of my early childhood.

My older brother did the same.

Transformers: The Movie was one of those magical films that just did it for me as a kid.

I loved Godzilla movies as kid, but that was because I loved Godzilla as a character.

Man, what I would give to have been one of those kids...

Transformers: The Movie was a case of me simply loving an individual movie more than any human child should.

While I was a little bit too young to have enjoyed the Transformers TV show while it was first airing, The Movie served as my ambassador to the series; giving me a crash-course on the Gen-1 stuff before I even started watching the re-runs.

That being said, the opening battle on Cybertron, that takes the vast majority of the original cast of the show and kills them off in favor of new toys, I mean characters; was truly a thing of beauty.

The battle on Cybertron worked because it had actual stakes.

Lives were lost on both sides of the conflict, such that you truly got the sense that everyone was fair game.

Hell, Ironhide was one of my favorites from the TV show, and he got his head blown off in the first 10 minutes.

"Such heroic nonsense..."

Not only that, Prowl died a few seconds earlier via some hot chili; and Wheeljack, fuckin’ Wheeljack wouldn’t even get the respect of having an on-screen death.

Should probably cut back on those habaneros Prowl...

These were big name guys, characters that were at the forefront of the action in every episode of the TV show, and here they were gettin’ their clocks cleaned in the first 20 minutes of The Movie!

Then they went and killed Optimus Prime.

If the battle between Optimus Prime and Megatron at the beginning of Transformers: The Movie is one of the best fights in cinema history, then the death of Optimus Prime is surely one of the most dramatic deaths.

I love the subtlety of the death sequence.

Everyone is gathered around Prime, their facial expressions communicating far more than words could hope to.

Aw, Kup's sad face is sad!

Perceptor, the closest thing the group has to a doctor, presents his diagnosis with a simple:

“I’m afraid the wounds are, fatal…”

With the silence broken, Daniel; the child of the group, is the first to speak his mind:

"Prime, you can't die!"

From there, the whole thing just gets more and more epic.

We have the passing of the Matrix to Ultra Magnus, the not-so subtle symbolism of Hot Rod catching the Matrix, and Optimus Prime just plain being awesome, even as he’s moments from death.

"LIGHT. OUR DARKEST. HOUR."

At the end of it all, the hammer of childhood trauma drops as Optimus Prime’s entire form turns black, a decidedly fatalistic percussive music cue hits; and Prime commits his final act as his head limply turns to the side.

Shit just got real.

That, my friends; is how you kill an icon.

... And thank you Michael Bay for showing us how NOT to do it.

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In Memoriam: Robert Muldoon

"JP: Jurassic Park! Something, has survived!"

I fucking love Jurassic Park.

As a child raised with the perception that dinosaurs were absolutely the coolest shit ever, Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park was, and still is, the perfect film to appeal to my young dinosaur loving self.

Pictured: My young, dinosaur loving self.

I suppose it also helped that the movie was legitimately good too.

Anyway, this post isn’t about Jurassic Park as a whole, if it were you’d have to pack your sleeping bag just to read it.

Seriously, this is one movie that I really can talk about FOR-EV-ER.

No, today, we’re going to be talking about a man among men.

A man so manly, even the biggest and most clever of Velociraptor pride leaders wouldn’t dare challenge him without the aid of a comrade.

That's right bitch. Shake in 'dem fossilized bones a' yours...

A man so manly, every hat he owns, even his baseball caps; flip up on one side like a slouch hat.

Pictured: Australia in hat form.

A man so manly, even the mighty Samuel L. Jackson dare not challenge his authority when told to be “quiet.”

"'The fuck told ME to shut up?..."

A man so manly, he can drive stick.

"Get off the stick! Bloody move!"

That’s right ladies and gentleman, today we pay tribute to the manliest of manly men, the paragon of pimp, the head game warden and “great white hunter” of John Hammond’s (Richard Attenborough) Jurassic Park:

Robert Muldoon.

In short, Muldoon is THE SHIT.

You thought Donnie Yen was badass?

Next to Muldoon he’s a fucking choir boy.

A CHOIR BOY.

Though he was only in handful of scenes, Muldoon nevertheless made a huge impression on me, even as a child.

Personally, I think most of that had to do with the fact that he wore a slouch/Aussie hat, which was something I just happened to think was really fuckin’ cool back in the day.

Still kinda’ do, now that you mention it…

Anyway, Muldoon is a hard-ass throughout most of Jurassic Park, but he’s a loveable hard-ass.

Y’know, he’s that kind of asshole where you’re all like:

"Man, what a dick..."

But after a few seconds you’re all like:

"But goddamnit, he's AWESOME!"

He was the rock of the major players in Jurassic Park.

While everyone else panicked, he just kind of gritted his teeth and toughed it out.

Oh yeah, and then licked his lips, involuntarily twitched his eye, and seemingly intentionally tried his best to scare the ever loving shit out of everyone around him.

"I've got her..."

Y’know, hero stuff.

Anyway, as we all know, Robert Muldoon met his demise at the hands of yet another blatant case of a Spielberg-ian spite killing.

That is, he tracked a Velociraptor in the jungle, only to be flanked by a second raptor much in the same way that Alan Grant (Sam Neill) flat out TOLD US this would happen to someone at some point in the movie:

Poo poo on Muldoon for missing Grant’s informative and decidedly not kid-friendly paleontological spiel at the beginning of the movie.

I suppose it didn’t help either that he decided to wait until the absolute last moment to set up the stock to his SPAS 12.

In retrospect, he probably should’ve done that before he even set foot in the jungle, or failing that, he probably could’ve at least tried to fire it sawed-off style.

Either way, shoulda’ woulda’ coulda’ doesn’t mean a whole lot when you’re gettin’ mauled by one seriously pissed off raptor.

Actually, for all I know that might be his "Can I have a cookie?" face...

Oh well, at least he got to kill the Tyrannosaur and a shit ton of raptors WITH A FUCKIN’ GRENADE LAUNCHER in the book.

FUCK YEAH.

Oh yeah, and then there was that whole part where, y’know, he lived at the end of the book.

Thanks for that Michael Crichton (R.I.P.).

Anyway, the real reason for this post, is to honor the memory of the actor who portrayed Robert Muldoon, Bob Peck.

Good God he's badass...

I was informed today by a co-worker (the same one that inspired me to take on the Top 100 Goriest Films) that Mr. Peck had died of cancer on the 4th of April, 1999.

I may be 11 years or so late, but this post is my way of honoring his memory.

Sadly, I can’t say I’ve ever seen Mr. Peck in any other film’s or TV series, as most of his roles were in British exclusive productions.

Even so, I don’t think I’m alone when I say that, his performance as Muldoon was pretty much all I needed to see of him to forever believe he was THE SHIT.

That being said, Bob Peck, Robert Muldoon, you shall henceforth be forever remembered as one in the same, a shining example of what it means to be the manliest of manly men.

With that, I shall close with Mr. Peck’s, and therefore Robert Muldoon’s; official theme song:

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