My first reaction to this trailer was to say to myself:
“Who the fuck made a movie about my dad without his consent?”
I’m not even kidding.
My dad might not be Mexican, or look at all like Danny Trejo for that matter, but if you were to throw a camo jacket on him, and put him on a bus, chances are the events of this trailer would inevitably play out, in real life; and likely with twice as many fist fights.
Speaking of Danny Trejo, I’m happy to see him finally get some leading roles at this late stage in his career.
Typically a typecast supporting actor, my dad and I used to have a joke about Mr. Trejo, namely the fact that he seemed to die in every movie we saw him in.
Thankfully, someone else took the time to assemble this, a nearly 4 minute compilation of every Trejo death in all of cinema:
When I was a kid, my friends and I knew him as “That Guy,” but somewhere down the line, through his many epic onscreen deaths; he earned the greatest honor any bit actor can hope to achieve:
That of making his name known to the general public.
That being said, while Machete, and now Bad Ass remain his only starring roles, Mr. Trejo has come a long way from his days of playing “Ruddy Complexioned Mexican #5.”
While Bad Ass does in fact look bad ass, in a less extreme/stylized Hobo With a Shotgun sort of way, the whole “based on a true story” thing has got me a little confused.
I mean, it’s made fairly clear that the concept of the movie is taken from this:
The rest of the movie however, is undoubtedly bullshit.
That’s necessarily a bad thing, I just don’t get why they’d bother to base a movie on a well-known incident, only to go ahead and fictionalize the rest of the story.
“Inspired by” likely would’ve been the proper turn of phrase.
Also, I hate to say it, ’cause it’s so fuckin’ obvious that it makes me sound like a simpleton for mentioning it, but both the title and the concept feel a little to close to Kick-Ass if you ask me.
Then again, I’m not a Hollywood marketing rep that stares at market research data all day, so maybe those similarities are exactly what is going to make the movie bankable.
Even so, the lack of humor/heart in the trailer lead me to believe even that won’t save it.
That being said, the movie honestly doesn’t look all that worthwhile, outside of the punching I mean, though I’d be curious to see how my dad would react to it.
My guess is he’d find a tad more relatable than he’d care to admit…
I have a great appreciation for the director’s work, in particular The Wild Bunch and The Getaway; but for whatever reason I just never got around to watching it.
Despite this, The Killer Elite was a film that had a surprising amount of presence in my youth, entirely in the form of my dad telling me about it all the fuckin’ time.
He made it sound pretty cool, always making sure to point out how graphic the violence was for the era; a trademark of Peckinpah’s style.
The funny part is, my dad’s taste in movies has proven to be more than a little hit and miss over the years, so in all honesty; I really don’t know if The Killer Elite was actually a good movie, or just one that he remembered being good.
Below is an example of a film my dad remembered being quite a bit better than it actually was:
Anyway, as you might have guessed, given the ongoing trend of Hollywood, and the very recent trend in Jason Statham’s career; The Killer Elite is getting the remake treatment, though for whatever reason the “The” in the title has been axed.
Oh well, at least they didn’t “streamline” the title down to an acronym or some shit.
*ANYWAY* from what I can tell from the trailer, the movie involves a 70’s porno-stached Clive Owen wanting to kidnap/kill/have kinky bondage sex with Jason Statham, and in-between it all Robert De Niro gets dragged into things and mayhem ensues.
While the remake will no doubt have difficulty measuring up to the original, but in terms of straight-up mindless fun factor; I’d like to think it looks pretty solid.
Think about it:
You have Jason Statham hitting people.
You have Clive Owen and his dirty mustache hitting people.
And to top it all off, you have an aging Robert De Niro going all Liam Neeson/Mel Gibson on people.
The only thing that could make it better is if everybody in the cast had dirty porno staches.
I wouldn’t count on that happening, but one can hope…
I’ve always said that any film that features Liam Neeson punching someone is worth my time, (Gangs of New York being the sole exception) and while Bobbie D isn’t at all an analogue for the lanky Irishman; truth be told I think the novelty actually carries more weight given the awesomeness of the man that is Bobbie D.
If Bobbie D can do half of the above, I will be satisfied with Killer Elite.
Truth be told, if the movie ends up being little more than a handful of people shooting at and punching each other, I honestly wouldn’t mind.
Action movies tend to get cluttered these days with melodrama and extraneous ancillary characters, which is part of why I think old fashioned manhunt/man vs. man movies will always hold a certain degree of appeal.
A big dumb action movie need not have an epic “save the world” plot.
Sometimes all you need is a handful of people with beef, and a story that lets them do horrible things to each for 2 hours.
Anyway, this one is probably going to suck hard, and barely make a splash at the box-office; but truth be told, I might go see it.
Hell, it’s not every day you get to see Bobbie D beat the shit out of someone with his bare hands.
Most of the time he prefers to use a Mag Lite:
Note: Heat is an awesome movie that features Mag Lite on Man violence.
Let it be known, the Azn Badger is in no way an authority on Thor.
Like most kids, I dabbled in Norse mythology in my youth; however when it comes to the Marvel version of the Nordic god of thunder, I’m really kind of a newb.
Truth be told, I’ve never read a Thor comic in my life, largely because I could never find an appropriate jumping on point in the character’s expansive continuity.
That being said, while I don’t know Thor all that well, I do consider myself a fairly knowledgeable movie buff; and it’s from that perspective that I’ve decided to throw together this article regarding my impression of the new Thor movie based on it’s recent trailer.
When I first heard that Thor was going to be directed by the great channeler of Billie Shakes himself, Kenneth Branagh; I found myself struck with a crystal clear vision of what to expect:
Shakespeare-ian melodrama, obscenely lavish and over-the-top costume and set designs, and a cameo by the director himself; most likely shirtless and covered in physique enhancing oil.
"I shall now remove my shirt.... For SCIENCE."
Basically, I expected Branagh’s Frankenstein, but with Norse gods and (sadly) no Bobbie D.
Upon viewing the trailer, I can’t help but feel that most of what I expected, good and bad; has come to fruition.
I’m a little disappointed in the fact that, based on the trailer anyway; many of the principle Asgardian (heh heh, “Ass-Guard”) characters are shown without their helmets and garb, most likely due to a creative decision along the lines of:
“The audience can’t connect with the characters if their faces are covered by their helmets!”
On that note, costume designs seem appropriately lavish and extravagant, and the sets seem impressively vast as seems to be the norm for any Kenneth Branagh film, however I feel it must be mentioned that the sets that appear to represent Niffelheim (the Norse realm of ice) seem a little anemic compared to the Asgardian ones.
While I’m on the topic of Niffelheim, I’d like to take this opportunity to say that I’m excited to see how the Norse frost giants are depicted in this movie.
In glancing at the imdb for Thor, I happened to notice that Ymir is listed in the cast; which in my mind means we’ll be treated to a bit of a throwdown between him and Thor at some point in the film.
Call me crazy, but the idea of a big fuckin’ Scandinavian dude winging away with a mallet against a mountain-sized man of ice just seems like good watching in my book.
Here’s hoping Mr. Branagh doesn’t fuck it up by having the 2 of them give a soliloquy before initiating a “gentleman’s duel.”
...Or fuck it up by having Ymir look any less cool than THIS.
Sorry, I’m not much for Shakespeare…
Getting back to the movie, I don’t know if maybe the intention was that the Niffelheim sequence in the film was meant to be intentionally “stagy” or theatrical, but at this point the set just looks kind of cheap.
Pictured: A still from the climactic battle sequence of King Arthur.
Moving on, from what I can tell, the cast for the film seems fairly solid.
Casting Sir Anthony Hopkins (that’s right, I call him “sir.” The question is: Why the fuck don’t you?) as Odin was pretty much a no-brainer.
The man has a voice, and gruff old man presence about him that makes him perfect for pretty much any elder god in all of mythology.
Curiously enough, both the actors for Loki and Thor are strangely unknown to me.
Tom Hiddleston, at least physically anyway, seems to fill Loki’s shoes rather well.
When I picture Loki, I picture a frail, weasely motherfucker that does pretty much all of his fighting with his words and his voice.
That is to say, while Hiddleston seems to look the part at this point; the effectiveness of his performance will likely be determined by the strength of the script… which will most likely suck ass.
Chris Hemsworth as Thor, seems to be a bit of a gamble; but a fairly well justified one.
People were upset that a black man was cast for a white character, however they did so without taking into account the fact that the Kingpin, in the comics anyway; was supposed to be built like a brick-shit house.
Can you name any legitimately talented actors, black or white; with a physique that could meet that description as well as Michael Clarke Duncan?
BRICK. SHIT. HOUSE.
Didn’t think so.
My point is, while Chris Hemsworth is pretty much an unknown in Hollywood; I honestly don’t know of many actors that can pull off the whole “musclebound viking look.”
I said "actors." Yes, he probably would fill the role just fine though.
And don’t say “what about Brad Pitt?” because I honestly don’t think he’d be a good choice given that he’d probably put too much swagger into his Thor.
Stupid Brad Pitt, bein’ all sexy n’shit…
The last thing I’d like to say about the cast of Thor, is that I don’t know anything about the nature of her character in the comics or in the film, but the way they showed her in the trailer, Natalie Portman seems like she’s just there.
Nonetheless, that tends to count for a lot when you look like this.
Seriously, I don’t know if the marketing guys over at Marvel are to blame, but the way she’s treated in the trailer suggests that this may very well be a case of “Tree #3 as played by Natalie Portman.”
Maybe it’s just the fact that she’s the only one in the cast that doesn’t have a flashy and heavily ornamented suit of Scandinavian power armor, or the fact that her schedule was very likely crowded with, y’know; good movies she had to act in, but seriously; if it wasn’t Natalie Portman, I don’t think any of us would’ve even noticed her character in the trailer.
In closing, Thor looks to be pretty much what I expected.
I don’t expect an epic, fast-paced, or even all that entertaining an experience out of it, but it’s a Marvel movie, it has superheroes hitting each other, and yes; that is enough to make me go see it.
I want to see the Destroyer armor blow up cars.
I want to see how many creative ways a big hammer can be used to kill frost giants.
I want to see if Tadanobu Asano AKA the Brad Pitt/Johnny Depp of Japan, can make a name for himself in American films.
But most of all, I want to hurry up and skip this pile of ass so we can get to the good shit like Captain America and The Avengers.
Fanboy as I am, it’s more than likely that all of the above will end up sucking balls though.
Though Thor is the only one that can boast the possibility of a random shirtless Kenneth Branagh.
"I must do this scene, SHIRTLESS! The integrity of the film demands it!"
*SPOILER ALERT!* ZERO spoilers ahead in regards to plot details/major events, but most of the match-ups in the fight scenes are revealed below.
If you don’t wanna’ know who’s gonna’ be fighting who, stop reading NOW. *SPOILER ALERT!*
Let it be known, The Expendables is just about the most meat-head centric films I’ve ever seen.
Rest assured, The Expendables is all about suped-up cars, guns, tattoos, armbars, stupid one-liners, and one very gratuitous T&A shot.
Meat-heads of the world unite, the film that shall be your gospel has arrived.
ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE BROCK CHRIST!!!!
Despite my general disdain for the UFC crowd and their, how shall we say, “sensibilities;” I came away from The Expendables feeling pretty good about the whole experience.
The Expendables is, of course; a product of the master of facial paralysis himself, Sylvester Stallone.
Best caricature, EVER.
From what I remember, Stallone pounded out a script for The Expendables almost immediately after his previous film, Rambo; was proven to be a financial success.
The premise of the film is that of the “men on a mission” sub-genre of yore.
Let me just say, The Wild Bunch is one of the best films I've ever seen.
Basically, the plot boils down to a group of heartless mercenaries being sent on a suicide mission to liberate a fictional South American nation, only to discover, through the beauty and courage of a lady freedom fighter; that they do in fact give a shit about something in this world besides money.
"You not EXPENDABLE Rambo!"
While this describes the plot for just about every film in the genre, the one major difference between Stallone’s version and the rest is, of course; the fact that the “heartless mercenaries” in his version, are all played by noteworthy “faces” of action cinema, past and present.
If only it had been a live-action adaptation of Lucky and Wild... Look it up, it's a sweet ass arcade game.
Sure, that movie had Stallone, and Kurt RussellAND Jack Palance to boot, but that doesn’t mean it was even remotely good.
No, The Expendables is not the greatest action movie ever, nor will it remembered alongside any of the true greats of the genre, but that doesn’t make it a bad movie.
On the contrary, I felt it was quite good for what it was.
While the script is utter crap, with most of the one-liners coming across as strained and almost painfully weak, like any good action movie the script is secondary to the action.
Thankfully much of the dialogue in the film is brief, although sometimes the “man speak” quotient can seem a bit overwhelming at times.
Seriously, everyone in the cast of this film make this guy seem straight-up femme:
Anyway, we’ve established that The Expendables, a dumb action movie; has a shitty plot and script.
It’s probably about time I got to talking about something we didn’t know, right?
Let’s talk about how The Expendables fared on the action front.
The action in The Expendables is quite good by modern standards.
It’s violent, chaotic, and often over-the-top, and after the awesomeness that was Rambo just 2 years ago, it’s just about everything I was hoping for in an American action film.
The gunplay is especially over-the-top, with terrific sound editing, and a wonderful sense of “oomph” that is rare among action films.
Trust me, from the first time someone is shot in this film, you know just what kind of movie you’ve gotten yourself into.
Kind of like saying, "From the moment Swayze layed down on the floor and stared longingly at Jennifer Grey, you KNEW what kind of movie you'd gotten yourself into."
Oh yeah, despite it being less brutal and gory than Rambo, the violence level is right up there in Steven Seagal territory in terms of blood-letting.
It should be noted however, that virtually all of the bullet hits are done, not with squibs, but through digital effects.
While this saddened me to some extent, as I figured that if anyone was going to do things “old-school,” it would be Stallone, admittedly it doesn’t do much to effect ones’ overall enjoyment of the film.
Yup, that's violent!
The cinematography in The Expendables is vaguely Greengrass/Bourne-esque throughout i.e. lots of intentional camera jitter, rapid-fire edits, and shakily framed shots, though personally I didn’t have a problem with this.
Bear in mind, I’ve been watching dumb action flicks from the cradle and on, so MTV style editing, and, well, MTV style camera work are nothing new to me.
I think a lot of my non-issue with the cinematography in The Expendables, stems from the fact that I’ve not just been watching action movies my whole life, but boxing, and kung fumovies.
My eyes are trained son, ain’t no tricks out there my eyes can’t see…
It's in the middle, dumbass...
I will say this though, the cinematography in all of the vehicle-based action sequences in The Expendables, is fucking atrocious, and downright frustrating to follow.
Outside of that though, my eyes are trained son…
While I hate to make such a big deal about this one point, I encountered several reviews, including one by a vlogger I happen to trust and admire, Noah Antwiler AKA Spoony, that took offense to the cinematography in this film, so I figure this particular argument deserves some special attention.
Google "special attention," and this is what you get: Red Panda cuteness...
The Expendables is a typical American military action flick.
While there are in fact a handful of protracted brawls between major players in the cast, (which we will get to in a minute) the vast majority of the action in the film is choreographed in such a way that death is dealt swiftly and often.
That is to say, there is not a whole lot of depth or drama to the choreography of the action, both armed and unarmed in The Expendables.
In fact, most of the shots of violence in the film are arranged in such a way that we really aren’t shown a whole of the detail in the various battles that are taking place, but rather just the deathblows in each engagement/exchange.
A movie where every hit is a fatality? Works for me...
Think of it as taking a highlight reel approach to editing a number of fight/action scenes together as opposed to putting a premium on drama or continuity.
The Expendables is a film that often has several skirmishes happening parallel to one another, a fact that necessitates overlap between most of the action in terms of editing, resulting in a film that simply cannotstop to do the proper dramatic justice to any one of said action set-pieces.
While I generally disapprove of editing multiple action scenes together, (see Cradle 2 the Grave and virtually every Michael Bay film ever made) I found the last 30 minutes of The Expendables to be a fine example of how to implement said technique effectively.
Yes, these 2 things go together like Jet Li and DMX. Oh wait...
This leads to most of the fights/gunfights seeming fragmented, and somewhat lacking in coherence, given that much of the cast in this film is past their physical prime, do you really think you’d want to see what these guys looked like without the help of the guy in the editing room?
Speaking of which, let’s take a moment to talk about the fighting element of The Expendables.
The Expendables had a number fight scenes in it, most notably Dolph Lundgren vs. Jet Li, Jason Statham and Jet Li vs. Gary Daniels, Stone Cold vs. Sylvester Stallone, and finally, Stone Cold vs. Randy Couture.
In order, here are my thoughts:
Dolph looked surprisingly spry despite his age.
Sure, the fight was edited to shit, and the framing was frustratingly “off” at times, but the sheer novelty of seeing fuckin’ Ivan Drago go toe-to-toe with Jet Li was enough to keep me engaged.
Dolph employed a fairly linear boxing/kickboxing fighting style of sorts, with most of his punches coming in at straight angles, and more importantly, in bunches.
While the drama of the fight is virtually non-existent, largely due to a few (intentionally) giggle-inducing beats, the scene was good for what it was:
A novelty.
That being said, Jet Li’s performance in the film is rather odd.
Oh wait, this wasn't "odd," this was just "shitty."
His character is legitimately funny throughout, and his physical presence is impressive, but sadly limited.
While industry great, Corey Yuen, is credited as a choreographer for Li’s scenes, sadly the pair isn’t given much screen time to deal with.
Despite this, Jet Li’s performance possesses the grace and flexibility he is known and loved for, though the rapid-edits have the side-effect of obscuring his speed.
Jason Statham’s performance was largely similar to that of Jet Li’s, in that he looked good, but with the “A to C” as opposed to “A, B, C” style of editing, we really couldn’t tell just how good he was.
Oh yes, he's good... NOT GAY.
Having worked with Corey Yuen before, in The Transporter; it’s no surprise that Statham’s movements and execution are pretty much spot on for the demands of his character.
Speaking of “execution,” his character, who displays a penchant for knives in his fighting style, allows Statham ample opportunity to wow with his close-quarters knife work.
Seriously, I haven’t been happy with any of Jason Statham’s performances, physical or otherwise, since the first Transporter movie, but his work in The Expendables, particularly when armed with knives, was downright impressive.
That’s a pretty big fuckin’ compliment coming from me.
ME.
Anyway, Jet Li and Jason Statham’s tandem battle with Gary Daniels was legitimately impressive in a brutal sort of way.
Bear in mind, at this point in the film, (which was easily the highlight of the whole thing for me) Stone Cold vs. Stallone, Gary Daniels vs. The Dudes from The One and War, and Randy Couture hiding behind a bunch of sandbags, are all happening simultaneously.
While it makes me sad to see a talent like Gary Daniels as criminally under-used as he was in The Expendables, I have to admit it was pretty neat to see him be on the receiving end of a martial arts double-team in a military action flick.
The reason I keep emphasizing the word military, is because it implies severity, life and death stakes.
When people fist fight in this movie, it’s not for honor, or glory, it’s simply to make the man standing before them stop breathing and get out of their way.
That being said, Gary Daniels fares about as well as any human would when faced with the prospect of taking on 2 men at once.
That is, unless you’re the Undertaker…
The fight is not so much a fight, as it is brutal beatdown, but like every Steven Seagal fight in existence has taught us, sometimes that’s a good thing.
Moving on, Stone Cold vs. Stallone was probably one of the most glorious “big man” fights I can recall in film history.
With Stallone being over 60, and Stone Cold turning out truly horrendous fighting performances in The Condemned and Damage, I was expecting a sluggish bar room brawl of sorts, but color me surprised when this unbelievable masterpiece of beefy old-guy fighting cinema came rolling around the corner.
The choreography is sharp, with the punches being swung fiercely and often, and Stallone routinely busting out impressive takedowns, and, in particular; one hell of an agile flying armbar.
Yes, one of these.
In fact, my only gripe with this whole fight, is that, again; most of the drama is lost due to the highlight reel style editing.
More specifically, while Stallone’s takedowns and submission holds are impressive to behold in execution, unfortunately there really is no “why” in regards to his implementation of them.
In Flashpoint, Donnie Yen’s grappling and holds had a purpose in the choreography in that they smothered Collin Chou’s superior offense, and thusly turned the fight in his favor.
This man wouldn't do something simply for the sake of flash. No way...
Stallone’s grappling in The Expendables, is the equivalent to watching Jean-Claude Van Damme do a series of his famed slow-motion aerial kicks.
There’s really no practicality to it in the context of the fight, it’s just flash for the sake of flash.
Or in this case, Butt for the sake of Butt...
While it’s a minor gripe, seeing as this has already spiraled into a much more technical and in-depth review than I was initially expecting, I figured I should bring it up.
In one scene, Stallone managed to defy Father Time, and Stone Cold made a believer out of me in regards to his career as an action movie guy.
Which brings us to the last major sequence of manly fisticuffs in The Expendables, MMA legend Randy Couture vs. modern WWF legend, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.
I’ll just say this:
This fight was made for UFC and wrestling fanboys, and no one else.
First search for "UFC fan," and I got just what I wanted. Thanks internet.
After the terrific spectacle that was, well, pretty much every other fight in this movie, it brought a tear to my eye to see the final brawl in the movie be such a let down.
Randy Couture should not be in movies.
More specifically, Randy Couture should not be in this movie.
Seriously, I’m not even hating on the UFC stuff right now.
I'm not. I swear...
Randy Couture, and more importantly, Randy Couture’s character, could have, and should have been excised from the script, as neither has much of anything to offer.
Regardless, Randy Couture, though a nice guy, and a terrific athlete, is a truly terrible actor, and barely adequate screen-fighter.
Throughout the movie we bear witness to Couture body-slamming and, well, fiercely body-slamming bad guys, sometimes with a mean expression on his face, usually without.
Pictured: Randy Couture's "mean face."
To say that the choreography given to Couture in this movie is limited is like saying Hulk Hogan’s repertoire of wrestling moves was limited.
It’s an indisputable fact.
That was 1 of 3 moves Hulk Hogan possessed over the years.
Personally, I preferred seeing Couture body-slamming people as opposed to, well, just about anything else he did in the movie.
Especially speaking.
Anyway, I don’t want to go into the details of Couture vs. Stone Cold, but I will say this:
It’s not half as good as Stallone’s fight, and Randy Couture is as stiff as mother fuckin’ Frankenstein.
And I'm not talkin' the Bobby D Frankenstein either...
Alright, well I’m officially spent.
I’ve honestly got more to say, but I’m starting to fade, so I think I’m gonna’ try to call it quits for tonight.
The Expendables was a good time, if mayhem, testosterone and explosions are what you’re looking for.
It’s not a classic in the making, but it’s definitely fun for what it is.
The script is ass, though Mickey Rourke manages to carve a soul into the film with one gut-wrenching scene of apparently improv-ed ACTING.
The gunplay is tops, with comparisons to Stallone’s own Rambo in terms of entertainment value,”oh shit” factor, and spillage of bodily fluids of the sanguine (look it up, dumbass) variety, being entirely warranted.
The fighting is difficult to follow for some, (not me) but surprisingly rewarding despite the relatively advanced ages of the majority of the performers.
In all, I had fun with The Expendables, and I’m pretty sure that was the point.
Have fun with The Expendables, ’cause if you can’t, then chances are you’re just being a dick and need to lighten up.
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