Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

And Now, Jim Ross Attempting To Be A Heel, And Failing Miserably Due To Sheer Awesomeness.

To this day, Jim Ross remains perhaps the single greatest wrestling commentator of all time.

Gorilla Monsoon was excellent, as was Vince McMahon and, to a lesser degree, Jesse “The Body” Ventura; but for my money Jim Ross remains the best I’ve ever heard.

That being said, his most iconic role has always remained that of the straight laced and technically oriented commentator, though there have been a few instances in his career in which he was tasked with playing a rowdy heel.

The video above serves as a prime example of his demeanor during one of said instances.

The problem with his heel performances however, at least for me anyway, is the fact that he’s just so goddamn awesome on the mic, that even when he’s screaming at the audience, he remains 100% likeable.

Seriously, the man could cuss me out, or condemn me and everyone in my family straight to hell, and I’d still find a way to like him.

That being said, I was never a fan of the heel version of Jim Ross, and I’m happy it’s appearances in wrestling were scarce.

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And Now, Mr. Perfect Being Less Than Perfect

Curt Hennig was pretty fuckin’ awesome.

His promos were legendary, his athleticism was phenomenal, and his in-ring execution was textbook perfect.

Rarely a belt holder, Mr. Perfect may never have been the most popular of wrestlers, however few would argue that in terms of pure technical ability, he was easily one of the best of all time.

Sadly, his in-ring perfection failed to carry over into his private life, resulting in his untimely death at the age of 44 via cocaine overdose.

That being said, the clip above represents a rare instance in the career of Mr. Perfect when his aura of invincibility was broken down, and he botched a line just like any other greenhorn.

Hmm… This post turned out oddly depressing.

That certainly wasn’t my intent.

What can I do to lighten the mood…

I know!

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , ,

Remember That One Time Chucky Cut A Promo On WCW?

You’d think having Chucky from the Child’s Play movies show up on a wrestling show would be considered jumping the shark, right?

Well, technically I suppose it would be, if not for the fact that it basically already happened by the time 1998 came rollin’ along… More than once.

That being said, guest stars, fictional or otherwise, have been commonplace in wrestling for some time now.

WCW in particular, during the Monday Night Wars, seemed to have a penchant for populating it’s telecasts with all manner of larger than life non-wrestlers.

Chuck Norris, Jay Leno, a number of NBA players, and even fuckin’ Robocop all made guest appearances on the show at one time or another, with predictably hilarious results.

Yeah, that actually happened.

So, when you take into consideration all the bullshit that came before it, having Chucky cut a promo during an episode of Nitro actually isn’t all that silly after all.

… That is until you take a minute to listen to what he’s actually saying.

With Leno, WCW actually went to great lengths to write him into a storyline.

Believe it or not, it was actually a big fucking deal.

DDP, Hogan, and Eric Bischoff actually showed up on the Tonight Show and caused a ruckus, creating significant cross-promotional buzz.

Sure, the actual in-ring pay-off was horrendous, but it’s hard to deny the cleverness of their marketing strategy.

Which brings us to Chucky.

Near as I can tell, Chucky showed up to promote his film, as is typically the case with any movie stars/homicidal doll monsters that guest star on wrestling shows, however WCW went the extra mile and had him pick a favorite to win in the upcoming Halloween Havoc.

It should be noted that the main event of the Halloween Havoc in question, Hogan vs. Ultimate Warrior; would go on to be regarded as one of the single worst matches in all of televised professional wrestling.

Yeah, that also really happened.

Now, as far as I can recall, Chucky never physically appeared on WCW, but for whatever goddamn reason, the writers saw fit to have him favor Scott Steiner over his brother Rick in their upcoming match.

Last time I checked, Chucky was more concerned with reclaiming his body and killing stupid bitches than he was the daily affairs of professional wrestling, but hey, this was the same team of writers that thought having the slowest goddamn Robocop in the history of slow-ass Robocops appear on their show was a good idea.

Anyway, at some point, Chucky mentions something about wanting to be a film director, and that he wants Scott Steiner to win because he’s hoping to cast him as his leading man.

There is so much fucking wrong with that last sentence, that honestly, I’m not even gonna’ go into it.

The really sad part in all this, is the fact that they actually got Brad Dourif to voice Chucky.

I mean, yeah, Chucky isn’t Chucky without Brad Dourif’s considerable vocal talents, but come on, the man deserves so much better than to get paid to do wrestling promos and super-liminal advertising.

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Remember That One Time They Let The Big Show Talk?

Yeah…. The Big Show was never very good on the mic.

He could be pretty damn funny, as was the case in his appearance on SNL, but for the most part; he’s not much of a talker.

The funny part is, this promo would be most likely be considered racially stereotypical/insensitive if it wasn’t spot on perfect.

Seriously man, every mannerism and inflection you see in the clip above, as silly and repetitive as it may seem, is actually pretty much a 100% accurate imitation of Booker T.

That’s right, the same Booker T that went and yelled “the word” on national television:

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Remember “Gillberg?”

Before I get started, I figure I should give credit where credit’s due and thank my brother for reminding me of this retarded episode in wrestling history.

Anyway, for those who are unaware, the puny and borderline mentally deficient individual you see marching down the ramp in the clip above is professional wrestler Duane Gill AKA Gillberg.

Throughout his career, Duane Gill belonged to a special fraternity in the wrestling industry that is referred to that of the “enhancement talent.”

That is to say, his mission upon stepping into the ring, was to put other wrestlers over, to lose to them and enhance their image in the process.

Operating in numerous tag teams and as a soloist under his real name, Gill served as a staple of the WWF’s jobber division throughout the 90’s, even getting drafted into The J.O.B. Squad, a stable made up entirely of talented jobbers such as Hardcore Holly and Al Snow.

During this time, The J.O.B. Squad members all achieved a certain level of notoriety, leading to Hardcore Holly being given his own faction in the form of a team-up with Crash and Molly Holly, Al Snow being shoveled gimmicky storyline after gimmicky storyline in an attempt to somehow keep him relevant, not the least of which being that one time he fought himself in a hardcore match.

That was awesome by the way.

Duane Gill however, at least for a brief moment in time, went on to bigger and better things.

In 1997, WCW introduced to the world a wrestler that was arguably the only superstar the organization ever raised from the ground up under Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo.

That man, was Bill Goldberg.

Just so we’re clear, that was awesome.

In short, during his prime, Goldberg was the hottest thing going in WCW.

He was an unstoppable force that went undefeated in 173 consecutive matches, a marketing angle that has rarely been attempted, let alone successfully.

In response to Goldberg’s popularity, the WWF decided to create a puny parody of the character in the form of casting Duane Gill as “Gillberg.”

As you might have guessed from the clip at the top of this post, Gillberg was a total fucking joke.

His entrance laughably mocked every aspect of Goldberg’s right down to the sparklers and fire extinguishers in place of legitimate pyrotechnics.

His wrestling style could be described as “squirrel-y” at best.

Despite this, Duane Gill’s jobber skills made him fun to watch on occasion, largely due to the flexibility of his undersized frame.

Take a look here at his match with Essa Rios AKA “That One Talented Guy That Was Popular For About 5 minutes But Ultimately Became Overshadowed By His Escort, Lita“:

Both WCW and the WWF would create numerous parody characters of each other’s talent in a decidedly lowbrow attempt to chip away at their rival’s reputation, but in my eyes, Gillberg was one of the more successful attempts.

Week to week, Gillberg would come out, be pathetic, and make people laugh, however unlike WCW’s “Oklahoma,” Gillberg would do so without doing harm to anyone’s reputation.

He was a mockery of Goldberg, yes; but at the end of the day he was just a clown, plain and simple.

That being said, due largely in part to a lack of interest/competition in the Light Heavyweight division at the time, (these days it doesn’t even exist) Gillberg actually managed to acquire the Light Heavyweight Championship at one point.

Oddly enough, said lack of interest in the division resulted in Gillberg carrying the belt for well over a year, making him the longest reigning Light Heavyweight in WWF history.

So there you have it:

Gillberg, the pitiful jobber who was a joke from beginning to end, yet somehow managed to achieve a historic title reign.

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And Now, Dennis Rodman Attempting To Cut A Promo.

In case you’re wondering, here’s the actual English translation:

VADER! ANYONE GETS NEAR THAT CAGE…THEIR HEAD IS BASHED BIG MAN, BASHED!”

Vader of course being the famously spry big man, Big Van Vader, and the cage obviously being a reference to a cage match that was apparently being held at WCW’s¬†Battle at the Beach.

Sadly, I did in fact have to look up a translation for this, as even with my degree in “Improper-As-Fuck English,” I honestly couldn’t figure out what Rodman was trying to say.

Oh well, I suppose you can’t expect a man that kicks cameramen in the nuts to be comfortable cutting a promo on live television:

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , ,

Remember When Stone Cold Started Saying “What?”

It’s funny, as much as I’ve loved watching the WWF over the years, particularly in my youth; I can actually pinpoint a few fairly specific elements/events that lead to me completely turning my back on wrestling for nearly a decade.

First and foremost, was the general dearth of quality talent in the mid-2000’s.

Both The Rock and Austin had just left the company, and while guys like Chris Jericho, Triple H, Kurt Angle, and, *sigh* Brock Lesnar did what they could to carry the torch, the void left by the 2 legends was just too damn big.

Moreover, by this point the WCW and ECW guys had fully integrated into the roster by this point, resulting in much of the hype and mystique surrounding some of them giving way to the reality of their somewhat eroded in-ring ability.

In short, when the big 2 left, I stopped tuning in for the whole show, instead checking in just to catch the main events from week to week.

Next, was the fact that the quality of the storylines were beginning to flounder at times with atrocious bullshit like the “Katie Vick Incident” becoming increasingly commonplace.

It’s a long story, but in case you’re wondering, the “Katie Vick” storyline involved Kane accidentally killing his girlfriend in a car crash years back, resulting in Triple H mocking her memory by… Dressing up like Kane and fucking a mannequin:

Like I said, long fuckin’ story.

Not worth going into.

Finally, and I might be alone on this one, I feel like the nail in the coffin for my relationship with wrestling in the early 2000’s just might have been Stone Cold’s adoption of “What?” as his new catchphrase.

Listening to Stone Cold, be reduced to a mic toting clown and stumble his way through his promos every week, shouting “WHAT?” at random intervals, was more than a little annoying.

Truth be told, I was never really a diehard Stone Cold fan, largley because he often feuded with The Rock; who I actually was a diehard fan of.

I always “liked” Austin, but he was always 2nd or 3rd banana to The Rock in my book.

That being said, Austin’s “What?” catchphrase was absolutely maddening to behold.

Not only was he not nearly as funny as I think he was expected to be, but to hear the crowd shout “What?” at every pause, in every promo, often times out of synch with the man himself, or worse yet; during promos that he was neither a part of nor mentioned in, was one of the most annoying weekly occurrences I can recall in wrestling.

Well, outside of watching X-Pac do his Bronco Buster twice a fuckin’ night…

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Remember When Kevin Nash Was A Wizard?

This isn’t the first time I’ve used this blog to riff on Kevin Nash.

It’s funny though, I honestly don’t have a problem with the guy, in fact there was a time when I liked him a lot; it’s just that, like many wrestlers who’ve worked every organization in existence, he has a lot of phases to his career that were less than flattering.

That being said, Nash’s earlier turn in WCW as the emerald robed and turbaned wizard character, Oz; is easily the most embarrassing of said career blemishes.

Articulate 7-footers with charisma are a rare commodity in wrestling, such that promoters often jump at the chance to seize one for their ranks.

Kevin Nash always had these qualities going for him, but for whatever reason, WCW completely mismanaged his early career, resulting in him portraying no less 3 different characters in as many years.

Oz, was the second of these characters.

As you can plainly see in the clip above, WCW made no bones about citing Oz’s relation to/inspiration from The Wizard of Oz, even going so far as to parade Dorothy and her friends down the ramp during his debut.

Though I know it’s supposed to be another reference to The Wizard of Oz, I can’t help but snicker at the thought of Oz being from “The Emerald City” AKA my hometown of Seattle.

While Nash’s wrestling ability and magnetic personality did a lot to sustain his standing as a legit wrestler, there’s no denying that the absolutely horrid “wizard” gimmick and silly turban were severely detrimental to his career in the early goings.

His "Crazy Eyes" on the other hand, proved wildly successful with the kids...

Basically, Nash may indeed have made some fans during his first tour with WCW, but I seriously doubt any of them were born during his turn as Oz.

In most cases, I would expect the average wrestling fans reaction to watching Oz stroll down the ramp to be somewhat in line with that of Ian Malcolm’s:

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , ,

Remember When Hulk Hogan Got Raped By A Mummy?

Ah, The Dungeon of Doom.

Few other stables in wrestling have produced as many fail-tastic gimmicks, and absolutely horrid matches as The Dungeon of Doom.

Created in the pre-NWO era, The Dungeon was WCW gaggle of supervillain-esque heels that feuded with Hulk Hogan on and off for about 2 years.

While I’m guessing they were supposed to be a legitimate threat, they really came across as the Cobra to Hogan’s G.I. Joe.

Well actually, given the kind of magical/supernatural bent that they had for a lot of the characters, it’d probably be more accurate to call them the Skeletor to Hogan’s He-Man.

Despite this, it’s funny to look back on The Dungeon and think of some of the (decent) name wrestlers that passed through it’s toxic halls.

For example, Lex Luger, Jimmy Hart, The Giant and Meng the Merciless all did a tour with The Dungeon and look how they turned out.

Well, at least The Big Show went on to to greener pastures…

The point is, The Dungeon could’ve been better had their matches and storylines been booked better.

And if they didn’t let Brutus Beefcake do his whole “Zodiac” thing:

Jesus fuck that was some stupid-ass shit…

Anyway, let’s talk about the clip at the top of this post:

I can’t recall the actual context of it, but from what I can tell, The Giant had Hogan in a bearhug, and then “The Yeti” arrived and decided to join in and help out…

Oh boy, you know it’s bad when they have a guy clearly dressed as a mummy, that they decide to name The Yeti.

Or is that “Yeh-Tay?”

I honestly couldn’t tell based on how the announcer kept FUCKING UP the pronunciation.

Either due to his lack of in-ring ability, or due to his love for insta-tanned man-butt, The Yet then proceeded to embrace Hogan from behind, thereby sandwiching him between himself and The Giant; and then vigorously gyrate and thrust his hips in a suggestive manner.

To their credit, the announcing team continually make claims that “This could be the end of Hulkamania” to reassure the audience of the urgency of the situation, but even so; we all know what was goin’ on…

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Remember The Gobbledy Gooker?


While nowhere near as shockingly pathetic as the debut of The Shockmaster, the Gobbledy Gooker’s tragically over-hyped appearance at Survivor Series 1990 was nevertheless one of the dumbest and most pointless events in WWF history.

You see, unlike with WCW’s use of The Shockmaster, who was merely supposed to be a surprise tag partner, a one-time replacement for Road Warrior Animal; the WWF truly dug themselves into a ditch full of shit.

For several months preceding the Survivor Series pay-per-view, the WWF would routinely wheel out a float carrying what appeared to be a giant egg.

As is customary for oddball publicity stunts like this in wrestling, Gorilla Monsoon and the other commentators would totally lose their shit over the sight of this egg, sensationalizing it and generally making it sound like the most important event in human history.

Despite the ultimate pay-off, Monsoon and the other commentators deserve all the credit in the world for trying their damndest to make something of it.

Anyway, after months of build-up, the egg finally hatched at Survivor Series (staged on Thanksgiving Day) following 5 minutes of top-notch lead-in from Mean Gene Okerlund.

What emerged from the egg, was a foul (or is that, “fowl?”) beast that looked like the illegitimate offspring of Big Bird and Marjory the trash heap from Fraggle Rock.

You wanna' give your kids nightmares? Make 'em watch Fraggle Rock...

Said monstrosity, was dubbed The Gobbledy Gooker.

Curiously enough, the Gooker was portrayed by Hector Guerrero, a capable wrestler of the Guerrero clan.

Despite his in-ring ability, Guerrero would complete this segment of the show by hopping into the squared circle and lamely dancing arm-in-arm with Mean Gene.

Whether it be due to the complete and utter lack of crowd reaction, positive or negative, at the appearance of the Gooker, or the inherent absurdity of the concept; the WWF would go on to unceremoniously drop and bury the character until Wrestlemania X-Seven (one of the best Wrestlemanias) where he would re-emerge to take part in a surprisingly entertaining 19-man Gimmick Battle Royale:

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