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Concealable Weapons You’re Not Cool Enough To Carry: Codpiece Revolver

What Is It?:

A 12-shot revolver stored in and fired from a leather codpiece.

Who’s Used It:

Tom Savini.

Why Am I Not Cool Enough To Carry It?:

Because you’re name isn’t fucking Sex Machine, that’s why.

From Dusk Till Dawn was a film with many awesome and memorable elements to it, however I think it’s hard to deny that the master of gore himself, Tom Savini’s character of Sex Machine was one of the better parts of it.

That’s saying a lot when you’re talking about a movie that features Salma Hayek in a bikini, Fred Williamson, buckets of gore, and, well Salma Hayek in fucking a bikini.

Pictured: Adolesence.

Like many weapons featured in these articles, the codpiece revolver is far from the more practical weapons one could employ for self-defense purposes, however it’s this element of it’s design that makes it much too cool to be put in the hands of mere mortals.

Think about it:

In order to aim the codpiece revolver, you’d have to walk around all bowlegged n’shit, pointing your cock at things that you’d like to see stop living.

Not only that, while Sex Machine never showed it, on account of being A FUCKING MAN, in firing the codpiece revolver, I’d assume the recoil would do a number on your frank and beans.

I don’t know about you, but if ever I were to wish death upon someone, I don’t think I’d wanna’ rupture my sac in doing so.

I’ll leave that to the Sex Machine’s of the world, thank you very much.

I’m getting ahead of myself though.

You see, the real problem in carrying, let alone handling a codpiece revolver, is the simple fact that, as I indicated in the first sentence of this segment of the article; YOU AREN’T FUCKING SEX MACHINE.

Nor is The Punisher for that matter...

Did you see how he operated the cock revolver in the clip at the top of the post?

He gave Greg Nicotero a dirty look, and then bam!

It opened.

Another dirty look, and the thing snapped shut.

No springs, no pneumatics, just a dirty fucking bastard shootin’ people dirty-ass looks.

By my logic, this can only mean that:

A): The cock revolver responds to psychic triggers.

or B): The sausage cannon fights on behalf of the forces of MANLINESS, thereby lending it’s service only to those cool enough to bear badass names such as “Sex Machine.”

In other words:

Even if you were somehow, against every rule in the natural order of coolness, able to get away with walking the streets wearing a gaudy leather cock basket; you’d have no way of operating the weapon due to your lack of legitimate badass-ness.

I suppose you could install a trigger in your rotating penis blaster and operate it manually, but really isn’t the point of having a dick pistol the fact that you can blast one out hands free with it?

Putting aside the fact that you, being possessed of insufficient coolness, would have no way of being able to physically operate a cock cannon in the first place, the fact of the matter is; you’d look like an idiot even if you could.

You see, chief among the requirements for being capable of carrying a codpiece revolver, is the fact that one has to be able to pull off the codpiece “look.”

Pictured: Sting, being a smug-ass bastard and rocking the codpiece look for the sake being a smug-ass bastard.

I don’t know about you, but metal studded crotch pockets aren’t something I could see myself wearing without looking like some dipshit that got way too into The Matrix or The Crow back in the day.

Perhaps more so than a salmon colored polo shirt with the collar popped, I’d like to think of a leather codpiece as being one of the harder “looks” in male fashion to pull off.

Well, outside side of a bondage/gay club anyway.

That being said, I’m sorry friends, but we can’t all be as cool as Sex Machine.

Now enjoy this clip of the aforementioned machine of sex getting his head blown off in Maniac:

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Filed under: Comics, Concealable Weapons You're Not Cool Enough To Carry, Movies, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Concealable Weapons You’re Not Cool Enough To Carry: Chakram

What Is It?:

A sharp, metallic disc of Indian origin used as both a melee and throwing weapon.

Who’s Used It?:

Xena: Warrior Princess, Tron-people, Indians, (“Dot,” not “Feather”) every androgynous anime character in existence.

Why Am I Not Cool Enough To Carry It?:

Because you’re not a Warrior-Fuckin’-Princess.

Oh yeah, and because you’d probably cut your own damn fingers off the moment you put your hands on a chakram.

That’s all besides the point though.

Like seemingly everything Indian in origin, I think of a chakram as being one of the most blatantly hipster-y and silly weapons I could imagine a person of the Western world to carry.

Well, outside of an Atari 2600 controller at least…

Seriously man, when you sit down and really think about it, a chakram is a pretty fuckin’ goofy weapon to walk around with.

I mean, who the fuck wants to walk around with their bad-ass Xena weapon, only to have everyone around you thinking that you’re some hippie/hipster heading to the park to go play so Ultimate Frisbee with the bro’s?

Seriously man, would you want THESE GUYS to invite you to their game of Ultimate?

Functionally, I guess a chakram makes some sense as a self defense weapon, being that it’s made of metal and could very easily be used to brain someone without any sort of technical ability.

Then again, virtually every practical application it holds as a weapon go flying out the fuckin’ window the moment you even think of throwing it.

Xena was a Grecian Warrior-Fuckin’-Princess.

Her superhuman powers were many and varied, ranging everywhere from a lesbianic conversion aura, to a magical, and intensely demoralizing battle cry:

On top of all this though, her amazing chakram (no idea how she got that all the way from India) handling skills allowed her to “boomerang” the weapon and have it return to after every throw.

What I’m trying to say is:

The entire point of having a chakram, is to hurl it at stupid bitches like a bloodthirsty Warrior-Fuckin’-Princess.

It’s not a self-defense weapon, it’s a bladed metal wrecking machine that’s meant to be planted in people’s brains for the purposes of one’s own amusement; typically while screaming like a fuckin’ banshee she-devil.

Unfortunately, unless you happen to be bred from warrior and/or royal stock, chances are you lack the ability to throw a chakram with any sort of accuracy.

Oh yeah, and unless you’ve got Harlem Globetrotters-esque ball/metal hoop twirling skills, once again; you’re likely to lose some fingers in the process.

While it may not be a chakram, here is a visual representation of you, trying to throw and/or recover your goddamn “counter-culture hoop weapon,” AKA chakram:

Basically, if anyone tried to start shit with you and your chakram, you’d probably chuck the damn thing at their head, and like a chump; you’d miss by a country mile and end up looking absolutely pathetic in the process.

We’re talkin’, Star Wars Kid pathetic.

Bottom line is:

Unless you’re a Warrior-Fuckin’-Princess, live in the world of Tron, or are so fuckin’ Indian (“Dot,” not “Feather”) your name is Krishna McIndia-Face; any effort you make to wield a chakram with any sort of dignity will result in you looking like a chump, an Ultimate Frisbee playing hipster, or a Dungeons & Dragons player that’s stuck in the 90’s.

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Concealable Weapons You’re Not Cool Enough To Carry: Noisy Cricket

What Is It?: 

A tiny energy gun who’s diminutive size belies it’s surprisingly destructive power and recoil.

Who’s Used It?:

Will Smith.

Why Am I Not Cool Enough To Carry It?:

Because even The Fresh Prince himself couldn’t, in his own words; make the Noisy Cricket look good.

Not only that, but you’d have to be built like a brick-shit house just to handle it.

A handgun is, by nature; a weapon intended to be held and operated without a brace or shouldering mechanism.

Despite being roughly the size of a Derringer, the Noisy Cricket kicks like a steroid cow that’s seen one too many Van-Damme movies.

... That is, if a steroid cow is even CAPABLE of lifting it's legs to throw a kick.

That is to say, despite the benefit of packing extraordinarily potent explosive force; firing the Noisy Cricket has the nasty effect of flinging it’s user off their feet and about half a city block through the air.

Clearly, not a product of efficient Japanese engineering…

Again, this unfortunate element of the Noisy Cricket’s design likely could be remedied by putting it in the hands of a very fit 500 lbs. man, something that I’m willing to bet describes not a single person reading this blog; or by possessing a center of gravity roughly that of Danny Devito’s… or Puck’s.

Hey, we went over this before: Puck's a pimp. Lay-off the Puck-Meister.

The point is, while I know we all wish we could go around toting palm-sized, energy grenade handguns; the fact of the matter is, it’s just not worth it.

Think about it:

Assuming you’d be willing to pull a Noisy Cricket on someone on the street, let alone fire it; chances are you’d break your neck in the resulting recoil induced fall, or at the very least reflexively shit yourself due to the shock of it all.

Oh yeah, and considering the fact that Agent J succeeded in hitting exactly nothing during the few instances he used the Noisy Cricket, chances are you’d also probably miss your intended target… Who if you were at all justified in needing a handgun to deal with, would likely capitalize on your recoil induced period of incapacity to mug/murder/de-pants you.

Pictured: The most likely outcome of any attempted usage of a Noisy Cricket.

The funny part about the Noisy Cricket, is the fact that it’s actually not all that cool of the weapon in the first place; and yet you’re still not cool enough to wield it.

It looks like a cheap fuckin’ Zippo lighter.

It “chirps” while it’s held at ready, making it entirely impractical in situations calling for stealth or ambush tactics.

And judging by the grave tone in which Tommy Lee Jones’ Agent K spoke when handing it over to Will Smith, chances are it’s not exactly looked upon as a weapon of class or distinction amongst Men In Black agents.

While the prospect of owning or handling any sort of alien firearm sounds pretty fuckin’ cool on paper, the amount of MANLY coolness one must possess in order to successfully compensate for the aura of lameness inherent to carrying a Noisy Cricket, would likely have to exceed that of Sean Connery, Toshiro Mifune, and Hulk Hogan combined.

In essence, you’re not cool enough to carry a Noisy Cricket for the same reason grown men aren’t allowed to drape themselves entirely in velvet.

Because goddamnit:  No one’s that pimp.

Filed under: Comics, Concealable Weapons You're Not Cool Enough To Carry, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Concealable Weapons You’re Not Cool Enough To Carry: Pocket Sand

What Is It?:  

A cache of sand stored in one’s pockets for the purpose of throwing in an attackers eyes.

Who’s Used It?:

Dale Gribble, Uncle Scar, Chong Li, Mr. Fuji.

Why Am I Not Cool Enough To Carry It?:  

Because throwing sand in peoples eyes is an act reserved for only the most weasly and underhanded motherfuckers in all of existence.

It’s one thing to be an opportunist, to be that asshole that chucks a wad of sand in the heat of the moment.

That shit’s been goin’ on since the beginning of time.

Hell, I’m willing to bet fuckin’ amoeba’s n’shit were chuckin’ particles of primordial soup at each others membranes back in the day.

Hell, even fuckin' Pokemon do it.

How else would the world know who the bad guys were?

The point is, chucking sand in people’s eyes is an inherently despicable, yet practical act; but if and when it’s utilized as a preemptive means of defense, it becomes something far more diabolical than most ordinary humans are capable of.

In order to be that guy that pockets a wad of sand every morning, you’d have to have a thought process somewhere along the lines of:

 “Oh shit, my Spider-Sense is tingling. I should probably bring some sand with me today…”

I’m sorry, but unless you’ve got Batman kicking down your door with any sort of regularity, chances are you’re not anywhere near cool enough to carry tactical pocket sand.

I understand that some people think it perfectly reasonable to carry pepper spray, stun guns, or even knives everywhere they go; (I don’t) but it takes a certain kind of crazy (not at all like a fox) to say to yourself:

“Whoops!  Silly me, I almost forgot to stuff kitty litter in my pockets before I left for work!”

I’m sorry, but chances are the kind of people that would consider carrying sand in their pockets a sensible, and totally necessary method of self-defense, are the kind of people that have gone out of their way to make the sort of enemies that would require said extreme measures to be dealt with.

That is to say, unless you’re a paranoid fuckin’ gun nut like Dale Gribble, or one seriously slimy-ass motherfucker like Lex Luthor’s douchebag second cousin or some shit; then chances are you haven’t earned the right to carry pocket sand in, uh, your pockets.

Filed under: Comics, Concealable Weapons You're Not Cool Enough To Carry, Games, Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , ,

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