Azn Badger's Blog

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Concealable Weapons You’re Not Cool Enough To Carry: Chakram

What Is It?:

A sharp, metallic disc of Indian origin used as both a melee and throwing weapon.

Who’s Used It?:

Xena: Warrior Princess, Tron-people, Indians, (“Dot,” not “Feather”) every androgynous anime character in existence.

Why Am I Not Cool Enough To Carry It?:

Because you’re not a Warrior-Fuckin’-Princess.

Oh yeah, and because you’d probably cut your own damn fingers off the moment you put your hands on a chakram.

That’s all besides the point though.

Like seemingly everything Indian in origin, I think of a chakram as being one of the most blatantly hipster-y and silly weapons I could imagine a person of the Western world to carry.

Well, outside of an Atari 2600 controller at least…

Seriously man, when you sit down and really think about it, a chakram is a pretty fuckin’ goofy weapon to walk around with.

I mean, who the fuck wants to walk around with their bad-ass Xena weapon, only to have everyone around you thinking that you’re some hippie/hipster heading to the park to go play so Ultimate Frisbee with the bro’s?

Seriously man, would you want THESE GUYS to invite you to their game of Ultimate?

Functionally, I guess a chakram makes some sense as a self defense weapon, being that it’s made of metal and could very easily be used to brain someone without any sort of technical ability.

Then again, virtually every practical application it holds as a weapon go flying out the fuckin’ window the moment you even think of throwing it.

Xena was a Grecian Warrior-Fuckin’-Princess.

Her superhuman powers were many and varied, ranging everywhere from a lesbianic conversion aura, to a magical, and intensely demoralizing battle cry:

On top of all this though, her amazing chakram (no idea how she got that all the way from India) handling skills allowed her to “boomerang” the weapon and have it return to after every throw.

What I’m trying to say is:

The entire point of having a chakram, is to hurl it at stupid bitches like a bloodthirsty¬†Warrior-Fuckin’-Princess.

It’s not a self-defense weapon, it’s a bladed metal wrecking machine that’s meant to be planted in people’s brains for the purposes of one’s own amusement; typically while screaming like a fuckin’ banshee she-devil.

Unfortunately, unless you happen to be bred from warrior and/or royal stock, chances are you lack the ability to throw a chakram with any sort of accuracy.

Oh yeah, and unless you’ve got Harlem Globetrotters-esque ball/metal hoop twirling skills, once again; you’re likely to lose some fingers in the process.

While it may not be a chakram, here is a visual representation of you, trying to throw and/or recover your goddamn “counter-culture hoop weapon,” AKA chakram:

Basically, if anyone tried to start shit with you and your chakram, you’d probably chuck the damn thing at their head, and like a chump; you’d miss by a country mile and end up looking absolutely pathetic in the process.

We’re talkin’, Star Wars Kid pathetic.

Bottom line is:

Unless you’re a Warrior-Fuckin’-Princess, live in the world of Tron, or are so fuckin’ Indian (“Dot,” not “Feather”) your name is Krishna McIndia-Face; any effort you make to wield a chakram with any sort of dignity will result in you looking like a chump, an Ultimate Frisbee playing hipster, or a Dungeons & Dragons player that’s stuck in the 90’s.

Filed under: Concealable Weapons You're Not Cool Enough To Carry, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Best MAN!!! #2

Alright, we’re back with more Best MAN action!

Today we’re tackling what is widely regarded as the greatest of all Mega Man games, and potentially one of the greatest sequels in all of videogame history, the bombastic powerhouse that is Mega Man 2.

American Box Art for Japanese Games: ASSSSSSSSS

Mega Man 2 was a massive step up in quality from it’s predecessor.

The graphics were more colorful and better animated, the roster of bosses of expanded from 6 to the now traditional 8,

*GASP!* 8 is more than 6!?

it added several new gadgets that would eventually become Rush the dog in Mega Man 3,

Stupid fuckin' dog would straight up LEAVE YOU if you called him at the wrong time...

the difficulty level was tuned to perfection, and the music, good Lord the music; was simply breathtaking.

Personally, I don’t feel it’s an understatement to say that the Title Theme of Mega Man 2 is one of the most iconic tracks in all of gaming.

It has since been adopted as the closest thing to a theme music that Mega Man has ever had, even serving as his background music in the original Marvel vs. Capcom.

Pictured: Mega Man as seen in Marvel Vs. Capcom 2.

Also, I feel that most would agree with me when I say that the background music of Stage 1 of Dr. Wily’s Castle is one of the finest pieces of NES music ever composed.

Mega Man 2 was a fantastic game, though I am still debating whether it truly is the best Mega Man game of all time.

Both Mega Man 2 and 3 were very special to me as a child, and I tend to regard them as equals in that sense.

Someday I’ll man up and take a side, but for today, we’re talkin’ about Mega Man 2, more specifically; who’s The Best MAN!

The answer is:

Quick Man

QUIIIIIICCCCKKKKK MAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!!

In short, Quick Man was a beast.

His stage was crazy fuckin’ hard for all the wrong reasons,

he was generally the last of the 8 robot masters players would face, and to make matters worse he could put up a legitimately good fight if you came in unprepared.

All that, and he had the nerve to have shitty music that sounded like someone pounding out a telegram message:

So why then do I honor Quick Man with The Best MAN honors for Mega Man 2?

Surely the vote should have gone to Bubble Man on account of my childhood love for/relation to him, right?

Good God he's fat...

While that may be (regrettably) true, Quick Man gets the nod for truly the manliest of reasons:

He’s BADASS.

Pictured: Quick Man in his formative years...

Quick Man’s look and personality outside of Mega Man 2 more than make up for his somewhat shitty role in the game.

I mean look at him, he’s got the sleek and sexy design, a cocky glint in his eye, and well, uh, a fuckin’ BOOMERANG for a weapon!

Yeah that’s right, a BOOMERANG!

Don't you dare question the Hogan...

Yeah….

Quick Man = The Shit.

Don’t fuck with me pal, I know where you live…

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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