Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Remember That One Time Chucky Cut A Promo On WCW?

You’d think having Chucky from the Child’s Play movies show up on a wrestling show would be considered jumping the shark, right?

Well, technically I suppose it would be, if not for the fact that it basically already happened by the time 1998 came rollin’ along… More than once.

That being said, guest stars, fictional or otherwise, have been commonplace in wrestling for some time now.

WCW in particular, during the Monday Night Wars, seemed to have a penchant for populating it’s telecasts with all manner of larger than life non-wrestlers.

Chuck Norris, Jay Leno, a number of NBA players, and even fuckin’ Robocop all made guest appearances on the show at one time or another, with predictably hilarious results.

Yeah, that actually happened.

So, when you take into consideration all the bullshit that came before it, having Chucky cut a promo during an episode of Nitro actually isn’t all that silly after all.

… That is until you take a minute to listen to what he’s actually saying.

With Leno, WCW actually went to great lengths to write him into a storyline.

Believe it or not, it was actually a big fucking deal.

DDP, Hogan, and Eric Bischoff actually showed up on the Tonight Show and caused a ruckus, creating significant cross-promotional buzz.

Sure, the actual in-ring pay-off was horrendous, but it’s hard to deny the cleverness of their marketing strategy.

Which brings us to Chucky.

Near as I can tell, Chucky showed up to promote his film, as is typically the case with any movie stars/homicidal doll monsters that guest star on wrestling shows, however WCW went the extra mile and had him pick a favorite to win in the upcoming Halloween Havoc.

It should be noted that the main event of the Halloween Havoc in question, Hogan vs. Ultimate Warrior; would go on to be regarded as one of the single worst matches in all of televised professional wrestling.

Yeah, that also really happened.

Now, as far as I can recall, Chucky never physically appeared on WCW, but for whatever goddamn reason, the writers saw fit to have him favor Scott Steiner over his brother Rick in their upcoming match.

Last time I checked, Chucky was more concerned with reclaiming his body and killing stupid bitches than he was the daily affairs of professional wrestling, but hey, this was the same team of writers that thought having the slowest goddamn Robocop in the history of slow-ass Robocops appear on their show was a good idea.

Anyway, at some point, Chucky mentions something about wanting to be a film director, and that he wants Scott Steiner to win because he’s hoping to cast him as his leading man.

There is so much fucking wrong with that last sentence, that honestly, I’m not even gonna’ go into it.

The really sad part in all this, is the fact that they actually got Brad Dourif to voice Chucky.

I mean, yeah, Chucky isn’t Chucky without Brad Dourif’s considerable vocal talents, but come on, the man deserves so much better than to get paid to do wrestling promos and super-liminal advertising.

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Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember That One Time They Let The Big Show Talk?

Yeah…. The Big Show was never very good on the mic.

He could be pretty damn funny, as was the case in his appearance on SNL, but for the most part; he’s not much of a talker.

The funny part is, this promo would be most likely be considered racially stereotypical/insensitive if it wasn’t spot on perfect.

Seriously man, every mannerism and inflection you see in the clip above, as silly and repetitive as it may seem, is actually pretty much a 100% accurate imitation of Booker T.

That’s right, the same Booker T that went and yelled “the word” on national television:

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Concealable Weapons You’re Not Cool Enough To Carry: Noisy Cricket

What Is It?: 

A tiny energy gun who’s diminutive size belies it’s surprisingly destructive power and recoil.

Who’s Used It?:

Will Smith.

Why Am I Not Cool Enough To Carry It?:

Because even The Fresh Prince himself couldn’t, in his own words; make the Noisy Cricket look good.

Not only that, but you’d have to be built like a brick-shit house just to handle it.

A handgun is, by nature; a weapon intended to be held and operated without a brace or shouldering mechanism.

Despite being roughly the size of a Derringer, the Noisy Cricket kicks like a steroid cow that’s seen one too many Van-Damme movies.

... That is, if a steroid cow is even CAPABLE of lifting it's legs to throw a kick.

That is to say, despite the benefit of packing extraordinarily potent explosive force; firing the Noisy Cricket has the nasty effect of flinging it’s user off their feet and about half a city block through the air.

Clearly, not a product of efficient Japanese engineering…

Again, this unfortunate element of the Noisy Cricket’s design likely could be remedied by putting it in the hands of a very fit 500 lbs. man, something that I’m willing to bet describes not a single person reading this blog; or by possessing a center of gravity roughly that of Danny Devito’s… or Puck’s.

Hey, we went over this before: Puck's a pimp. Lay-off the Puck-Meister.

The point is, while I know we all wish we could go around toting palm-sized, energy grenade handguns; the fact of the matter is, it’s just not worth it.

Think about it:

Assuming you’d be willing to pull a Noisy Cricket on someone on the street, let alone fire it; chances are you’d break your neck in the resulting recoil induced fall, or at the very least reflexively shit yourself due to the shock of it all.

Oh yeah, and considering the fact that Agent J succeeded in hitting exactly nothing during the few instances he used the Noisy Cricket, chances are you’d also probably miss your intended target… Who if you were at all justified in needing a handgun to deal with, would likely capitalize on your recoil induced period of incapacity to mug/murder/de-pants you.

Pictured: The most likely outcome of any attempted usage of a Noisy Cricket.

The funny part about the Noisy Cricket, is the fact that it’s actually not all that cool of the weapon in the first place; and yet you’re still not cool enough to wield it.

It looks like a cheap fuckin’ Zippo lighter.

It “chirps” while it’s held at ready, making it entirely impractical in situations calling for stealth or ambush tactics.

And judging by the grave tone in which Tommy Lee Jones’ Agent K spoke when handing it over to Will Smith, chances are it’s not exactly looked upon as a weapon of class or distinction amongst Men In Black agents.

While the prospect of owning or handling any sort of alien firearm sounds pretty fuckin’ cool on paper, the amount of MANLY coolness one must possess in order to successfully compensate for the aura of lameness inherent to carrying a Noisy Cricket, would likely have to exceed that of Sean Connery, Toshiro Mifune, and Hulk Hogan combined.

In essence, you’re not cool enough to carry a Noisy Cricket for the same reason grown men aren’t allowed to drape themselves entirely in velvet.

Because goddamnit:  No one’s that pimp.

Filed under: Comics, Concealable Weapons You're Not Cool Enough To Carry, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember When Brock Superplexed The Big Show?

For as much shit as I give Brock Lesnar, I have to admit, the clip above is easily one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen in wrestling.

Hogan scoop slammed Andre.

Goldberg jackhammered The Giant.

Hell, even that worthless pile of merch’ shilling dumb fuckery, John Cena; F U-ed the Big Show and Edge at the same time.

But at the end of the day, only Brock Lesnar superplexed the Big Show and destroyed THE ENTIRE FUCKING RING in the process.

I’ve seen guys get chokeslammed through the mat before, but this is a whole ‘nother thing altogether.

Usually, when holes get put in the mat, or any sort of damage is incurred on the ring in general; you can plainly tell that the incident was scripted in some way, usually through the use of a trap door/pre-fabricated hole.

When I watch this clip, it’s hard to make a case for it being scripted or planned in any way.

For one thing, I don’t think this was actually the last match booked for the evening in which it aired; making it completely unrealistic to consider the organization having originally planned to destroy the ring before the show was over.

Also, listening to Tazz, a semi-professional commentator scream “HOLY SHIT!” at the top of his lungs, it seems to me that his reaction was likely that of genuine surprise.

Regardless of whether this incident was scripted or not, it brings me unconscionable amounts of joy just knowing that a moment like this exists in the world of wrestling.

If ever there was video evidence to convince the Big Show to lay off the Taco Bell, this would have to be it…

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Shawn Michaels Is Hilarious… But I Don’t Think He Knows It.

Shawn Michaels is easily one of my favorite wrestlers of all time.

His in-ring ability and timing is some of the best of all time, and though he was never on par with the likes of The Rock or Randy Savage on the mic; (to be fair, no one is) few could deny he could cut a good promo.

That being said, as demonstrated in the clip above, no man; no matter how awesome, can escape the hilarious effects slow-motion.

It’s like an undeniable fact of universal physics.

Any voice, sped up or slowed down, automatically becomes comedy gold.

Oddly enough, slow-motion Shawn Michaels is one of the more hilarious examples of said phenomena.

Something about the way he and other wrestlers, most notably HHH; linger on their words, and stretch out their syllables, just makes them sound really fucking funny when slowed down.

Truth be told, slow-motion HBK doesn’t sound all too different from the real thing, however the change in his speech cadence, results in him sounding more than a little drunk.

Just take a look here:

While HBK has always had a goofy side to him, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever laughed out loud at anything he did outside of the edited clips above.

Well, except for maybe that one time when he made a fool out of Hulk Hogan by overselling his moves:

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember When Vince Russo Ran WCW Into The Ground?

The above clip was a moment of wrestling history that I was not fortunate to have seen live, but one that affected me in my youth nonetheless.

Actually, it wasn’t really this moment specifically, but rather the era in which it took place in as a whole.

It was the year 2000, and the modern generation of WCW had pretty much run it’s course.

All through the 90’s, my brother and I had spent our Monday evenings clicking back and forth between WCW and the WWF, but by 2000; it became increasingly apparent that WCW was rapidly losing it’s audience.

Many reasons have been cited as to the cause of WCW’s demise, though most would agree that poor management and booking were chief among them.

Despite boasting an immensely talented roster of wrestlers that were often capable of outperforming the WWF stable, the most visible reasons WCW failed; at least to me, were the fact that the writing was vastly inferior, and there were far too many older, big name wrestlers that were being paid too much to do too little.

Seriously man, as much publicity and brand recognition as guys like Hulk Hogan can bring you, at the end of the day if they take the biggest paycheck and only wrestle once a month; it’s probably not gonna’ be worth your while to rely on them to sell your program.

That being said, one of the other commonly known elements of FAIL that contributed to WCW’s downfall, was a booker named Vince Russo.

Formerly in the WWF’s employ, Vince Russo is regarded as having been instrumental in the rise of the WWF during the Attitude Era with his chaotic and consumately MTV/Jerry Springer-style of writing.

Despite bringing the same “edginess” of his WWF writing to WCW, for whatever reason; it just didn’t work.

Under Russo, character arcs moved uncomfortably fast, titles changed frequently to the point of making them irrelevant, and to top it all off; David Arquette was given the opportunity to own the world title, however briefly.

To this day, I STILL don't know how he became famous...

For those keeping score, that last part is regarded as one of the darker moments in wrestling history.

Anyway, the clip above is from Bash at the Beach 2000 in which Jeff Jarrett lays down before Hulk Hogan, resulting in Hogan cussing out Russo and the WCW as a whole for their insolence.

From what I understand, this whole operation was basically a sloppy means to remove Hogan from the company due to his excessive  price tag.

It worked, but not without the instigation of a few FCC violations.

Apparently, Hogan refused to lose the aforementioned match against Jarrett, (I don’t blame him. Jeff Jarrett’s a piece of shit.) ordering a rewrite as per a creative control clause in his contract.

Anyway, after Hogan’s blow-up, Russo would surprise everyone by coming out and proceeding deliver his own profanity ridden, unscripted promo:

That’s what I call professionalism!

While Hulk Hogan did in fact get the boot from WCW, this silly wildly over-the-top gesture proved to be for naught, as WCW would end up folding within the next year.

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

Now, for something stupid:

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember When Randy Savage Teamed Up With Deebo?

Remember how I said Randy Savage cut some of the best promos ever?

Well, this….. Isn’t one of them.

The promo in question saw Randy Savage teamed up with Sensational Sherri, and Zeus AKA Tommy Lister; the villain of No Holds Barred, an awesome  film starring Hulk Hogan.

Why was No Hold’s Barred awesome you ask?

“Dookie,” that’s why:

*ANYWAY* In a brilliant cross-promotional move, Zeus was brought off the silver-screen and into the real-life WWF ring to feud with Hogan.

Said feud eventually resulted in a tag-team match at Summerslam ’89 between the teams of Hogan and Brutus the Barber Beefcake, and Randy Savage and Zeus.

Despite this, the actual culmination of the feud, and the match that the promo above was for; was a steel cage rematch at an event titled No Holds Barred, once again in cross-promotion of the movie of the same name.

While I can’t speak for the quality of the matches, (I’ve heard they weren’t so great…) as I mentioned before, as and you can most likely plainly tell, the promo I posted above is pretty fuckin’ stupid.

Sure, Macho Man is his usual cool-ass self, constantly shouting “NOOOOUUUU HOLDS BARRRRRED!!!” at the top of his lungs and yanking on the cage like a mad-man; but in all honesty, the whole thing is about as organized as a soccer hooligan stampede.

I hate to lay the blame on him, ’cause let’s face it, Deebo’s the shit; but I feel that Mr. Lister really dropped the ball in this promo.

He does well enough to keep the intensity flowing, with his crazy eyes and sporadic yelling, but there’s just too many moments where you can tell Macho Man’s got something he’s trying to say, when out of nowhere big Deebo screams and completely drowns him out.

Hell, by the end, when Sherri joins in and everybody’s yelling at once, you really can’t make out a damn word of it.

Needless to say, timing is not one of Deebo’s strong suits.

Well, except for maybe “NOOOOUUUU HOLDS BARRRRRED!!!”

Anyway, I thought this was silly, so I figured I’d share it with you all.

Shut up.  I do not have writer’s block…

Aw shit, somebody done made Deebo bulletproof!

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember When The Ultimate Warrior’s Head Leaked Green Goo?

The Ultimate Warrior was a unique, and somewhat tragic phenomenon in wrestling history.

Technically deficient in the ring, and borderline non-sensical on the mic, The Ultimate Warrior’s success was very much a case of “right place, right time.”

Possessing an imposing and intensely defined bodybuilder physique, his image fell much in the line with the body culture of the mid-80’s, while his colorful costuming and LOUD personality served to make him a fan favorite among the younger fans.

In an era in which the Ninja Turtles gave us cause to use terms like “radical” and “tubular,” The Warrior truly was king.

Despite his unqualified attributes as a wrestler and personality in the WWF, the higher-ups made the bold (and foolish) decision to push The Ultimate Warrior as the next big thing, going so far as to have him defeat Hulk Hogan for the world championship at Wrestlemania VI.

... After they had him suck Hogan's dick for 20 minutes.

With the most limited of movesets, and the complete and utter inability to cut a promo, the bookers and writers of the WWF were left with little options when it came to crafting storylines and feuds for the new champion.

So, as any sane, and not at all stupid a team of writers of would do; they decided to let the inmates run the asylum, and allowed The Ultimate Warrior to WRITE SOME HIS OWN STORYLINES.

As evidenced by the clip above, in which The Ultimate Warrior “bleeds” green goo from his scalp due to his then rival, Papa Shango’s voodoo curse; writing, and in deed, speaking, were never The Warrior’s strong suits.

Personally, I preferred Papa Shango when he was Ho Train-ing guys as The Godfather:

The Ultimate Warrior always looked the part, much more so than many of the best wrestlers of all time; but by golly the guy just wasn’t nearly as good as we all wanted him to be.

That being said, let’s go out on a high note as we take a look at another clip from the Ultimate Warrior/Papa Shango feud:

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember When Kevin Nash Got Old And Started Sucking More Than Ever?

It’s funny, I’ve never been terribly attached to Kevin Nash as a wrestler.

Oddly enough, despite his presence in mainstream pop culture being almost entirely derived from his time spent as a wrestler, most of the reasons I’ve found to like the man have come from his acting career.

I liked him as The Russian in The Punisher:

Pictured: The best scene in the movie.

I found him and Eric Robert’s over-the-top performances in Dead Or Alive to be just about the only enjoyable portions of the movie, even though Nash’s character was clearly intended to be played by Hulk Hogan:

CLEARLY Bass was based off of Kevin Nash...

Hell, even though he barely did anything, I felt he did a decent job as Super Shredder in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2:

Pictured: One of the worst/dumbest moments in the movie.

Outside of these performances though, Nash was never the best wrestler, nor was he all that good on the mic.

Back in his Diesel days, it was kind of cool that they let him use the “illegal” Jacknife Powerbomb as his finisher, but outside of his stature and natural charisma, the man just never seemed to push himself as much some of the bigger names in the business.

Truth be told, I think my best memory of Kevin Nash was playing as him in the WCW vs. NWO game for the Nintendo 64:

Jesus fuck I miss that game…

Blunt force trauma inflicted KO’s were featured in that game, and using any (slow as fuck) power attack from Nash would result in an almost guaranteed instant KO.

I have many great memories of playing that game, mostly derived from playing as AKI and THQ Man; however playing as Nash ranks pretty high on my list of awesomeness.

Anyway, as the clip above indicates, Nash has clearly lost some of the (non-existent) spring in his step over the years.

Oh well, at least now his wrestling is funny to watch as opposed to boring.

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember “The Fingerpoke of Doom?”

Not just the name of perhaps the coolest offensive maneuvers in all of combat, “The Fingerpoke of Doom” also happens to be the nickname for one of wrestling’s defining moments.

While the clip above shows the “poke” aspect of “The Fingerpoke of Doom,” in order to discover the real weight behind the incident; one has to dig a little deeper into history.

“The Fingerpoke of Doom” is remembered as the most visible turning point in the ratings war between WCW and the WWF.

The actual “poke” was meant to serve as a transitional moment in WCW’s NWO/Wolfpac storylines, serving as a symbolic truce between the 2 faction leaders; however the real meat of the incident actually came in the form of an announcement made later on the same broadcast.

Basically, WCW took advantage of a script leak from the WWF, and used this knowledge to try and sabotage the WWF’s rating through revealing the results to a major match ahead of time.

Unfortunately, this ploy ended up blowing up in Ted Turner’s face, as it resulted in a huge number of WCW viewers changing the channel to watch the WWF!

This of course resulted in the steady decline of WCW’s ratings, (and production quality) and ultimately; it’s acquisition by the WWF.

History bullshit aside, “The Fingerpoke of Doom” is a prime example of truly horrendous booking at it’s worst.

More than that though, it’s a really fuckin’ awesome phrase that I feel proud to have command of.

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , ,

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