Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Remember “The Fingerpoke of Doom?”

Not just the name of perhaps the coolest offensive maneuvers in all of combat, “The Fingerpoke of Doom” also happens to be the nickname for one of wrestling’s defining moments.

While the clip above shows the “poke” aspect of “The Fingerpoke of Doom,” in order to discover the real weight behind the incident; one has to dig a little deeper into history.

“The Fingerpoke of Doom” is remembered as the most visible turning point in the ratings war between WCW and the WWF.

The actual “poke” was meant to serve as a transitional moment in WCW’s NWO/Wolfpac storylines, serving as a symbolic truce between the 2 faction leaders; however the real meat of the incident actually came in the form of an announcement made later on the same broadcast.

Basically, WCW took advantage of a script leak from the WWF, and used this knowledge to try and sabotage the WWF’s rating through revealing the results to a major match ahead of time.

Unfortunately, this ploy ended up blowing up in Ted Turner’s face, as it resulted in a huge number of WCW viewers changing the channel to watch the WWF!

This of course resulted in the steady decline of WCW’s ratings, (and production quality) and ultimately; it’s acquisition by the WWF.

History bullshit aside, “The Fingerpoke of Doom” is a prime example of truly horrendous booking at it’s worst.

More than that though, it’s a really fuckin’ awesome phrase that I feel proud to have command of.

Advertisements

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember When David Arquette Won The WCW Title?

Yeah, that actually happened.

Even during the Monday Night Wars, I always kind of thought of WCW as the AAA to the WWF’s major league.

Don’t get me wrong, my brother and I definitely flipped back and forth between RAW and Nitro during commercial breaks, but in terms of the quality of the storylines and announcing; Vince McMahon’s crew were light years ahead of Turner’s boys.

The one saving grace of WCW, besides the nostalgia factor of seeing the old dogs work the mic and not wrestle except on pay-per-views; was the huge roster of high-flyers and cruiserweights.

It’s easy to forget, what with all the NWO and Raven’s Nest bullshit in between, but Eddie Guerrero, Juventud Guerrera, Rey Mysterio Jr., Psicosis, Jushin Liger, and even Ultimo Dragon put on some awesome matches for WCW.

To this day, I still think back on the cruiserweight matches of WCW as being some of the best displays of athleticism and technical skill I’ve ever seen in wrestling.

It makes me sad that the WWF has decided to make the aging Rey Mysterio their one and only Luchador, likely in an attempt to elevate his status with the fans and make him seem more talented.

How you could ever think having less Lucha Libre guys in your roster would be better for the business is seriously beyond me, but I guess that’s why I’m unemployed and McMahon’s throwing money into making the XFL and getting his wife into the U.S. senate.

Anyway, I seem to have depressed myself.

Time to go watch some Tiger Mask

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Poopie Girl? She Wants Me To Play Poopie Girl?”

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked me to register for some sort of web browser based game.

For various reasons, said friend shall be henceforth referred to as Bob Saget.

Beneath that snarky quick-witted exterior, lies an intensely profane, snarky, and quick-witted man...

Their idea, not mine.

Anyway, being as I was tied up eating manly things like steak and crab, while writing about savagely manly things like boxing; I didn’t have a chance to get around to registering for the game.

While I was in fact busy scarfing down crab meat a manly minute or 2 ago, I managed to find time in my manly schedule to dig through my e-mail and register for Bob Saget’s game.

Upon clicking the registration link, I was greeted by a flowery and decidedly Japanese website with a cartoonish doll looking woman with a forehead that could rival J-Gar’s saying to me:

“Tell us your name and where you live.”

Well, actually an exact quote would require the period of that sentence to be replaced by a musical note, denoting the sing-song intonation of the phrase, but you probably knew that already.

For the unitiated:

Frilly Japanese website + fashion victim female mascot character = high-pitched and “cute” voice, even in text form.

Short of “who is your daddy and what does he do?” I can think of few introductory phrases that put me on my heels as much as that did.

Despite the forward nature of the greeting page, (and I thought those silly Japanese were supposed to be polite!) I trust my friend Bob Saget, lecherous old pedophile that he may be.

That being said, I went ahead and registered, giving myself some retarded name I’ve already forgotten, and naming my hometown as Kumamoto, the city my grandpa’s family was from.

Anyway, as it turns out, this “game” I was registering for, was some kind of online, digital paper doll game wherein the players create a female avatar for themselves, (wasp waisted and “cute” regardless of how you choose to alter their appearance) and proceed to dress them up and shop for them.

The name of this game, was Poopie Girl.

Yes, I did in fact Google "Poopie Girl," despite the inherent risks. Of the results, I found this one to be the most fun/random.

My first thoughts upon noticing the title of the game were:

“Poopie Girl? What the fuck kinda’ perverted Japanese shit is this!?”

Okay fine, the game isn’t actually called “Poopie Girl,” it’s actually Poupee Girl.

I’m guessing Poupee* is a French word (Japanese love Parisian fashion, and therefore France) for “cute” or some shit, but regardless; don’t expect me to keep typing out the word “Poupee” for the remainder of this article.

It’s fancy words like “Poupee” that make me think the French think they’re better than me.

Dirty bastards…

*Ahem!* Moving on, Bob Saget told me that in order for them to get the perks for my registration, I would be required to dress up my Poopie Girl at least once.

Being as I already took the time to lie to the Poopie Girl server and pretend I was a female Japanese citizen named “Treebar Heart,” I decided I would go ahead and finish the job.

I started out by making my Poopie Girl, essentially by giving her a face and hair style.

Apparently there’s only one body type in Poopie Land.

Go figure.

After that, I was given the task of dressing up my Poopie Girl.

Being as I’m kind of a slow learner, I ended up completely bypassing most of my character creation options, and instead ended up making my Poopie Girl out only the newest and Poopiest items available.

I decided to go with a very simple look that I’m sure goes against the grain of every fashion law in existence.

Believe me when I say this, fashion is not something I have any sense for, least of all in regards to lady bid’ness.

If it’s any indication, in my world Axel from Streets of Rage is the best dressed man in all of existence.

Blue jeans and white t-shirts: America at it's best.

In example of my fashion fail-ness, here’s an image of one of the Poopier Poopie Girls I ran across on the Poopie Girl site:

Um, a little gaudy don'cha' think?

Anyway, near as I can tell, the game is very much like most browser based games, (time spent playing = forward progression) however with the ingenious inclusion of a deep community system.

Poopie Girl players are apparently expected to rate each other’s Poopies on how Poopie their dress up arrangements are, which in turn rewards players based on their community evaluated Poopie levels.

At least that’s what I assume, anyway.

Near as I can tell, the dress up interface is pretty robust, making for a great number of possibilities.

Being a fan of character customization in my games, I can honestly say that Poopie Girl kind of reminds me of the Smackdown! Vs. RAW series of games.

I bought and played a great number of those games, almost entirely for the purpose of creating absurd and unique characters.

In that sense, if I was into fashion, or browser games for that matter; I could see Poopie Girl being a lot of fun.

Or at the very least, something to do on a boring Sunday evening.

*Poupee actually means “doll.”  Fuckin’ French, think they’re better’n me…

 

Filed under: Boxing, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Crappy Book Covers Are Crappy!

Say what you will, it's still THE BEST COVER EVER.

Yesterday’s post was an example of intentionally bad cover art for a book.

Today I figured I would take a moment to show you a few examples of published book covers that are potentially worse from a design standpoint than the juggernaut that was “Dr. Vladimir’s Space Virus.”

Shitty book covers aren’t hard to find, one has only to venture down to the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section of any book store or library to find them.

Or don't. That would be my suggestion anyway.

All of the images that follow were taken at the University of Washington Book Store.

It should be noted that most of these covers were far from the worst I’ve seen.

I blame myself for this, as Barnes & Noble seems to stock a larger quantity of rubbish books with shitty covers.

Good job UW, way to keep the crappy book cover population to a minimum.

Anyway, let’s begin our journey through the world of shitty cover art with the book that prompted me to start this whole day of adventure in the first place:

Werewolf Smackdown by Mario Acevedo.

The moment I saw this on the shelf, I found myself stupefied, gawking in horror at the masterpiece of ass-itude that lay before me.

Now, first thing’s first, Werewolf Smackdown is a truly awful title.

Unless of course THIS was the subject of the story.

In my opinion, the most frustrating part of this cover isn’t the horrendous graphic of the werewolf character, but rather the typography of the title.

The “Down” part of the word “Smackdown” is on a slightly lower plane than the “Smack” resulting in a rather confusing appearance.

I guess one could theorize that this was done intentionally as a visual metaphor to put emphasis on the fact that werewolves are in fact smacked down in this book, but I seriously doubt most would come to that conclusion on first glance.

Hell, it took me like 20 minutes to even come up with that half-assed explanation.

Werewolf Smackdown, definitely playing second fiddle to Werewolf RAW is WAR.

Next up is Eric Flint Time Spike by Marilyn Kosmatka… Or is it Time Spike by Eric Flint and Marilyn Kosmatka?

Here we have our basic Tyrannosaur eating a Spanish Conquistador cover.

Other than my confusion over what’s the title and who’s the author (thank you very much, shitty typography), this is a pretty crazy-awesome/retardly-awesome/shitty cover that I honestly don’t have problem with.

That doesn’t make anything more than a shitty cover though.

Just ask any of my friends, I have a tendency to find reasons to like truly awful things.

Pretty sure I'm the person I know that actually liked this movie...

Moving right along, next we have Pyramid Power by our homeboy Eric Flint, or wait maybe it’s by that son of a bitch Dave Freer, I honestly can’t tell:

Like the previous cover, this one isn’t overtly bad, it’s just really fucking stupid.

I mean come on, it’s a fuckin’ dragon holding a viking with it’s tail.

On paper that sounds pretty cool, but I would’ve preferred to see a less static representation of this most epic of encounters, you know, something a little more action oriented or dynamic.

Goddamn you Monster Hunter, lookin' all cool n'shit...

Conceptually speaking, this is like looking at a heavy metal album cover.

You aren’t allowed to ask “why,” you just sort of accept it in all it’s insanity and excess and get on with your life.

Either that, or you briefly question the band's sexuality for a moment, then rock until you just don't care.

Pyramid Power loses points for it’s shitty title, however, like the previous cover; the cover isn’t all that bad, just uninspired.

Finally, I’d like to take a minute to look over a couple of covers from an author that seems to have a knack for generating crappy novels deserving of crappy covers, Mr. John Ringo.

Holy shit! He looks like Muldoon!

First up is The Road to Damascus:

In case you couldn’t tell, that is in fact a child in red pajamas, holding a teddy bear in one hand while holding a laser gun in the other.

Oh yeah, he also appears to be facing down a tank.

Based on the color palette and (shitty) fonts, my first instinct upon viewing this cover was to compare it to one of those choose-your-own-adventure novels.

I know they look nothing alike, but I just felt like using this image 'cause I acutally own this one.

Though silly in nature, The Road to Damascus, once again, doesn’t have all that bad a cover.

The image is provocative, with some definite time and effort put into the illustration, with some very straightforward and easily distinguished focal points to the layout.

The fonts are pretty boring, but not clip art bad.

I will say this though, the cover seems a little too busy in places, particularly at the top, where the tag line is inappropriately large given it’s close proximity to the author’s name/names.

Our last cover is another John Ringo book, called Gust Front; and this time it actually is shitty, not just bad like most of the others.

I apologize about my leniency towards these shitty book covers.

Many of them probably deserve harsher words than I’ve given them, but I guess it’s just not in my nature to gripe about and be unnecessarily or overly critical of things, no matter how shitty they may be.

Oh well, here’s Gust Front:

Holy fucking shit that’s bad.

Pretty much everything bad that can be said about cover art can be applied to Gust Front.

The title is ass.

The fonts are ridiculously over-the-top, oversized, and horrendously colored.

Oh yeah, and the composition is off-balance, somehow managing to be both cluttered and sparse, with truly awful original Starcraft quality CG renderings for all the figures present in the image.

Hmm, I don't remember the old Starcraft looking like this. Sadly, no trace remains of it ever since the announcement of #2.

It’s kind of funny actually, the dude in the power armor reminds me of the Starship Troopers CG cartoon, Roughnecks.

Yup, these guys and the Extreme Ghostbusters were my best buddies after school...

Man, that was a good show…

Hang on, now that I think of it, the title font seems to bear a certain resemblance to the Starship Troopers one, at least in terms of it’s alignment.

I'm proud to say that the DVD I own of this film has a MUCH better cover.

I see, so we’re to buy this no doubt shitty novel based on the associations it brings on in our minds in relation to Starship Troopers?

Clever girl Mr. Ringo… Clever girl indeed…

I feel it is worth noting that John Ringo’s section at the UW bookstore was pretty much a shelf unto itself.

That’s a lot of shit novels.

Huh, guess I really can be an asshole when I put my mind to it.

Go figure.

Anyway, this has been a truly half-assed post.

Things will pick up a little bit more tomorrow, promise.

Praise be to Space Bobcat.

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Donate