Anyway, I think it’s funny that ever since Mega Man X came out, Zero has always seemed like one of the more popular characters in the franchise.
The clip above notwithstanding, it’s easy to see why.
He has a flashy and unique design, his theme music was bad ass, and his first appearance in the series involves him saving your ass from Vile, a character who was impossible to beat at that point in the game.
Add in the fact that in later entries in the series he is given a beam saber, and you have the template for a bad ass supporting character more than capable of eclipsing the popularity of the rather vanilla protagonist.
Pictured: Someone who just creamed his pants upon reading the words "beam saber."
In many ways, I think of Zero as the equivalent to Trunks from Dragonball Z.
For whatever fuckin’ reason, back in elementary and middle school, Trunks was the bees knees.
You remember those holographic Dragonball stickers all the kids pasted on their binders?
Well, pretty much all the kids I went to school with that had them, went to great lengths to hoard the Trunks ones.
Remember these? I think I still have a few pasted on my bed frame...
While I admit that Trunks’ design is pretty slick, what with the Capsule jacket, purple hair and (useless) sword, at the end of the day I was always confused with my friend’s appreciation for the character.
Taking into consideration his actual role in the series as opposed to his appearance, I always saw Trunks as being kind of dumb.
Like Zero, he had one of the more bad ass debuts in fiction, however from that point on his abilities are quickly overshadowed by everyone around him, and when he finally does catch up, he’s too dumb to use his powers responsibly.
Pictured: When juicing goes too far.
Indeed, I fail to see the beauty of Trunks’ soul.
That being said, while I happen to like Zero quite a bit, he’s never really been one of my favorites in the series.
Mega Man X4 marked the first time in series history that players were given the option to play through the entire game playing as Zero, and perhaps not surprisingly, his storyline was quite a bit more involved that X’s.
I guess that’s to be expected when you’re dealing with a character like X who has virtually no personality outside of his belief that “Humans = Good, Bad Robots = Bad.”
Over the course of several (poorly) animated cutscenes, it was revealed/hinted that Zero was not only originally a savage and villainous Reploid, he was also responsible for EVERY BAD THING THAT EVER HAPPENED.
ALL HIS FAULT!!!
While I think it’s cool that they made him the bridge between the original Mega Man and the X series, in the form of making him a product of the late Dr. Wily and progenitor of the Maverick virus; at the same time I think it’s this aspect of his story that kind of ruins him.
As with Trunks, I like Zero’s design, and I like his character, but when one factors in all the stupid shit he’s done throughout the series, it’s kind of hard to hold the same level of appreciation for him.
That being said, congratulations Mega Man X4, not only did you plant the seeds for making Zero look like an asshole, you also fucked him over by casting his role with an English voice actor from Mega Man 8.
As we work our way up through the bottom tier of our list of the The Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights, it’d dawned on me that our previous 2 entries both earned their slots, partly through an element of “cheapness” in their attack patterns.
While far from the cheapest or most annoying bosses of all time, (hence their low placement on the list) it’s hard to look at the Yellow Devil and Shredder and not say to yourself:
“Man, there’s just no good way to fight these guys without getting dick-slapped here and there.”
That being said, while I admit, wholeheartedly; that the next entry on this list isn’t anywhere near as annoying as the 2 bosses that have preceded him, I’d argue that he was the more difficult, and the more thrilling challenge overall.
Our #8 entry on our list of the Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights is:
#8. Sigma – Mega Man X
Pictured: X doing battle with Wolf Sigma, the nefarious Maverick's final form.
The Mega Man X series has produced some of gaming’s best boss fights.
Fighting a futile battle against the indestructible Vile in his robot ride armor was an experience few gamers will forget their first time around.
You can't beat him in the beginning of the game. Trust me, I've tried.
Similarly, fighting Zero, the protagonist’s partner and close friend; yielded real drama in my young imagination (mostly because of the simple, but AWESOME music) way back in the day.
By the way, the only reason you’d ever have to fight Zero in Mega Man X 2 is either because YOU SUCK, or because you’re lazy.
My guess is that guy was lazy.
Despite all this, in terms of both drama and overall difficulty, no other boss in the X series ever sucked me in and tested my platforming skills quite like Sigma in the original Mega Man X.
BAD ASSSSSSSSSSS.
While many would dispute Sigma’s placement on this list, one has to understand that, at the time of the original Mega Man X’s release; the gauntlet style of final boss encounter that has since become his signature was in the process of being pioneered.
Like many contemporary games, fighting Sigma is a multi-stage affair involving 2-3 back-to-back fights of ascending difficulty.
Sigma is relatively difficult in all of his appearances, with the notable exception of X 2 and 6 where he was a total pussy; and truth be told, I was actually tempted to put his iteration from X 4 on the list as opposed to the original.
The kicker however, was the fact that 2 out of Sigma’s 3 forms in X 4 were pathetically easy, making for an experience where all of the difficulty in the battle is reserved for the very end.
Even so, that last fight was pants shitting-ly insane:
Unlike in X 4 though, the battle is very much pants shitting-ly insane all the way through from start to finish in Mega Man X 1.
Oddly enough, the first fight with Sigma in X 1 is against his robot dog, Velguarder; who sadly did not become a recurring element of Mega Man X universe, despite having a pretty badass design.
INSUFFICIENTLY BAD ASSSSSSSSSS.
Given his extensive range of context sensitive attack functions, and tricky wall climbing dash, Velguarder can be pretty tough; however after you’ve spent about 20 seconds with him, or put some Shotgun Ice up his ass, usually he folds pretty quick.
Despite this, the dog is a credible threat that, if able to get the drop on you enough times; can sufficiently gimp your life meter for the battles to come.
Next up is the big boss himself, Sigma armed with a pimp-ass beam saber:
Sigma, about to put the hurt on, the wall, apparently.... Seriously, I don't know where the X sprite is in this pic.
Similar to Velguarder, Sigma has the capacity to dash onto the walls and basically follow you wherever you go; however his movement speed is actually a bit slower.
The tradeoff is, Sigma’s sprite is about twice as big as the dog’s, and he does quite a bit more damage.
While he can be strung along and forced into chasing you up the walls in a diagonal fashion, on occasion Sigma breaks his pattern and plants his feet for a devastating slash with his beam saber.
Seriously man, while it’s entirely possible, and indeed, necessary; to make it through Velguarder and Sigma without using a sub tank, one hit from the Chartreuse Beam Saber of Ultimate Destruction is good enough to nearly cut your life bar in half.
IN HALF!
In other words, if you’re planning to fuck up against Sigma, do so without sitting on his fiery, lime-green popsicle of Death.
You see, the really hard part about fighting Sigma, is the fact he forces you to enter into the battle thinking 2 steps ahead of yourself.
The fight in Mega Man X is 3-stage gauntlet, and with (ideally) 4 sub tanks AKA 5 total life bars at your command from the start, you have to be judicious with your life refilling or face the consequences in the form of getting to the finish line, only to run out of gas.
By far, the most frustrating part of fighting Sigma is getting to his final form, using all your sub tanks on a good effort, only to lose and realize that your sub tanks won’t refill automatically on your next life.
That being said, as mentioned earlier, it’s in your best interest to get past both Velguarder and Sigma’s first form without using a sub tank, as the final boss, Wolf Sigma; is one mean motherfucker that’ll wreck your shit, and then shit on your shit that’s just been wrecked.
SERIOUSLY:
Like the Yellow Devil from #10, Wolf Sigma is one of those nasty fuckers that won’t let you hit him until he’s good and ready.
His attacks are numerous, constant, and savage enough to take a third off your life bar every go; and the only way to get at his weak point (read: THE FACE) is by jumping on and riding his quick moving claws that are trying to kill you all the while.
Like most Mega Man bosses, Wolf Sigma has a weakness, in the form of the Rolling Shield; however it can take awhile to figure that out your first time through.
Put it this way:
You’ve got 8 weapons at you’re command at this point in the game, and that means you have to survive to hit Sigma with each them almost 8 times to test out the Rolling Shield.
That means you need to eat a lot of Wolf Sigma claws, lightning, and fire breath before you figure out his weakness, by which time you very well may have burned through most of your sub tanks.
While not exactly the hardest boss of all time, Sigma’s debut in gaming will always stick out in my mind as one of the more taxing mind games I’ve encountered in an action game.
3 fights, all in a row, and you’ve got to ask yourself, “Do I go all in, or will I do better next time?” all the while.
Of course, you could be a bastard and just use the hadouken to plow through the first 2 fights… but not third.
Capcom wanted to make sure you’d suffer just a little bit, even if you decided to cheat…
I’ve never really considered myself a fan of Ghost Rider.
His design has an undeniable “cool factor” to it, what with the flaming skull and tricked out hellcycle n’shit; but for the most part the actual character of Ghost Rider has never really done it for me.
I grew up occasionally reading Ghost Rider comics, however given my status as a 90’s kid, the stories I ended up getting were of the Daniel Ketch version of the character, not the Johnny Blaze original.
For what it’s worth, I’ve always preferred the Ketch hellcycle to the more Harley Davidson-esque original, however at the same time; most of the Ghost Rider comics I read in my youth failed to leave an impression on me.
Well, except for his pimp-ass fiery Akira-bike.
Maybe it’s just because I read all the wrong books, but in my eyes; Ghost Rider is one of those great ideas, and great designs that rarely gets used properly.
In that sense, it should come as no surprise that the Nic CageGhost Rider movie from a few years back stunk something horrible.
The movie was dull and boring, and while the effects work had a surprising amount of love put into it, the physical performances of the title character and his demonic opposition were stiff to the point of being embarrassing.
Maybe it’s just me, but in my mind I don’t picture Ghost Rider moving like Frankenstein after a few dozen choco-laxatives.
"Hold up guys. I have to poop... NOW."
To be fair, I’m guessing the technology used to create the “flaming head” effect was kind of iffy at the time, forcing the actors to restrict their actions to broader and more deliberate movements; but even so, it was more than a little distracting, at least to me.
Batman not being able to turn his head for 18 years is forgivable.
Ghost Rider walking with a rod up his ass and having CGI’ed abs is a whole ‘nother story.
Even Cameron Poe wasn't this cut...
Despite horrid reviews, color me surprised when it was announced awhile back that Marvel would be producing a Ghost Rider sequel titled Ghost Rider: The Spirit of Vengeance.
Check out the trailer here:
I really don’t care enough to look up a synopsis for the film, if it exists; but based entirely on the trailer above, the sequel honestly looks like it could surpass the original.
Not that that should be looked upon as any sort of achievement.
Truth be told, I kind of like the new design aesthetic for the Ghost Rider character.
The melting leather jacket, and charred skull add some much needed texture to what was originally kind of a sterile design.
Still not great... But hey, at least this time he can bend his fucking knees.
On top of that, the stunt work looks a little bit more imaginative, largely because; unlike the first film, there actually appear to be stunts at some point in the movie!
I can’t say I’m enthused at the idea of another Ghost Rider movie, however the best compliment I feel I can muster for this trailer is that fact that it doesn’t seem terrible to me.
I’d prefer to see Marvel dump their money into something else, like, I don’t know, A FUCKING MOON KNIGHT MOVIE; but oh well, that’s why they’re the high powered execs/producers and I’m just an unemployed blogger.
Good DVD sales revenue I.E. The Punisher and Ghost Rider, SHOULD NOT drive a studio’s decision making.
The desire to create good product SHOULD.
*AHEM!* Getting back to the subject at hand, in all honesty, the Ghost Rider 2 looks kind of “meh” at this point.
It obviously doesn’t have the funding that Marvel’s A-list character films have been getting as of late, and it has the stigma of being a sequel to a shitty going against it.
To say such a film looks “meh” as opposed to “crappy,” is actually kind of nice when you think about it.
Anyway, fingers crossed for Nic Cage having at least one epic freak-out in this movie, no CG abs, and please God; tell me the fire pissing sequence doesn’t make the final cut of the film.
Man, it’s been awhile since I’ve made a Magic card!
This one took a lot longer than it probably looks, mostly because I went to great lengths to actually make it as opposed to just snagging something off Google Images and slapping a filter on it.
If you want an example of how easy this card could’ve been to make, here’s an image that probably could’ve done the job just fine that I found in about 5 seconds of searching:
Pictured: The easy route.
Anyway, the card above is of course an homage to the famed cardboard box device from the Metal Gear series.
In all honesty, though I’ve played through every entry in the Metal Gear Solid series multiple times; I’ve rarely found a use for the cardboard box in any of them.
I know they’re useful for quickly jumping around the map via trucks and conveyors, but outside of punching Meryl to make the wolf pup pee on my box; I never really made use of them.
What? Â You didn’t know about the wolf piss?
*ANYWAY* much like the old N64Turok games, it’s hard to deny that Metal Gear games are big on loading you up with cool gadgets and abilities; only to end up giving you very little reason to use them.
Turok gave you awesome guns, but nothing to shoot at.
Metal Gear gave you an amazing range of abilities, but no real practical reason to employ them outside of for shits and giggles.
As fun as that looked in the trailers, for the life of me I never found a reason to do a barrel roll in Metal Gear Solid 4.
Anyway, thanks for stopping by, let me know if the text on the card needs to be changed or anything.
Despite it’s ridiculous title, and dubious connections to the original comic book source material, I’ve got a good feeling about Cowboys and Aliens.
Aside from the inherent possibilities that could emerge from the peanut butter and chocolate combination of cowboys and aliens, I think the biggest thing going for the movie (at least the movie that’s being marketed to us) is it’s serious, but not too serious tone.
Given the goofy title, Cowboys and Aliens could very easily have ended up being a pandering and goofy-as-fuck giggle fest, but based on the visual aesthetic, and “hardened” expressions of most of the cast; it would seem director Jon Favreau has opted to imbue his film with at least some semblance of class and drama.
In addition to this, with a cast consisting of an Onimusha/Devil May Cry 4/Lost Planet/God Hand/EVERY CAPCOM GAME OF THE NEW MILLENIUM gauntlet armed Daniel Craig, the always excellent Sam Rockwell, and an aging and hammy-as-fuck Harrison Ford; the possibility of Cowboys and Aliens being anything less than “fun” are nearly non-existent.
The real reason we're all going to see Cowboys and Aliens: ADAM BEACH.
To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t always as up on Cowboys and Aliens as I am now.
In fact, when I first heard of the movie, I thought it sounded like a lame joke; another Snakes on a Plane without the loving support of every meme-gobbling fanboy in existence.
Don’t pretend you weren’t one of them.
In other words, I didn’t expect much; and I certainly was planning to see it.
In case you couldn’t tell from the trailer, The Valley of Gwangi was one of the coolest movies ever, especially to a dinosaur obsessed child like myself.
You could take pretty much any expectations you’d have for a cowboy or dinosaur movie of it’s day and expect to find them met in some way shape or form by Gwangi.
It was an excellent movie that I’ll continue to love for the rest of my days, and will likely see fit to show to my kids whenever I’m fortunate to have them.
That being said, in remembering Gwangi; I realized that, in the case of Cowboys and Aliens, there’s a good chance it could all work.
There’s a good chance Cowboys and Aliens could capture the magic of something like The Valley of Gwangi, and by golly; I’m excited to see if it does.
Come this July, I’ll be heading to the theater for Cowboys and Aliens, not as some internet retard looking for a cheap laugh; but as a wide-eyed man child looking to be blown away by a movie that’s title advertises exactly what I think we’re all hoping for:
Well folks, we’ve finally reached the Top 3 of our Top 10 Videogame Songs, and appropriately enough; today marks the first occasion of a “serious” song adorning our list.
That’s not to say trashy Jpop isn’t without it’s value, it’s just not quite as substantive as some of the stuff that’s to come.
Pretty much every song on the list so far have been included in their respective games for the purpose of being “fun” or “colorful.”
Today though shit’s about to get REAL as we delve into the musical world of Metal Gear Solid:
#3. Metal Gear Solid – The Best Is Yet To Come
Assuming you skipped the lengthy (and mostly extraneous) briefing sequence at the beginning of the game, one’s first few musical minutes with Metal Gear Solid were bound to be some of the most memorable in gaming history.
I don’t know about you, but from the moment “The Best Is Yet To Come” first starts playing during the opening infiltration sequence of the game, I could tell Metal Gear Solid was going to be something truly special.
At that point in my life, you could probably count on 2 hands the number of games I had played that had any sort of digitized voice or CD quality audio, so needless to say; I was caught entirely off guard by Metal Gear’s use of a hauntingly beautiful traditional Irish song at that time.
To put things in perspective, I still had this in the back of my mind around the time I first played Metal Gear Solid:
Okay fine, that was actually kind of awesome, but you know what I mean…
Sung by Aoife Nà Fhearraigh, (good luck pronouncing that…) “The Best Is Yet To Come” stands out in my mind as one of the most memorable and thematic songs in gaming, if not the most beautiful.
Truth be told, it’s folksy nature prevents me from listening to it as often as some of the other songs on this list, but few can deny that it’s first minute, the one used repeatedly in the game to drive home the drama at key points; is utterly unforgettable.
In that sense, “The Best Is Yet To Come” won it’s high placement on this list largely due to it’s inestimable contribution to the gameplay experience of Metal Gear Solid.
Many of the songs on this list are opening and ending themes, songs that are awarded to the player for booting up or finishing the game.
“The Best Is Yet To Come” is very different from these songs in that it serves as the overarching theme song for the ENTIRETY of Metal Gear Solid, making it a key element in the overall experience.
Hell, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t genuinely touched by it’s inclusion in the Shadow Moses segment of Metal Gear Solid 4, as “The Best Is Yet To Come’s” presence in that game really served to bring the themes of the series full circle.
Wow, hard to believe we’ve actually gone 3 days on our list of the Top 10 Videogame Songs without mention of a Mega Man song.
That being said, today we reach #4 on our list, which takes us to that most awesome of Mega Man spin-offs, the Mega Man X series:
#4. Mega Man X4 – Makenai Ai ga Kitto Aru
Mega Man X4 was the first of the series to debut on the (at the time) next generation console, Sony’sPlaystation.
While Mega Man X3 pushed the Super NES to it’s limits by throwing in a host of features, both notable and forgettable; X4 was a far more straightforward production, albeit one with sensational animation and sound.
Yes, that is in fact a giant walrus robot with fists as big as a Ski-doo.
While my initial reaction to X4 was actually kind of lukewarm when it first came out, it’s since grown on me and easily ranks as one of my top 3 in the series.
I suppose that’s not quite as big a deal as it sounds, given that the first 4 games out of a total of 8 are just about the only ones worth playing.
Seriously man, if ever there was a game series that lost it’s way in it’s second half, Mega Man X would have to be it.
Define "Lame": An onion robot with wind powers.
Mega Man rant aside, the song of the day, namely “Makenai Ai ga Kitto Aru” AKA “Unbeatable Love I Surely Have,” is one that I was sadly never fortunate to have experienced in-game.
Only featured in the Japanese version of the game, my initial exposure to “Makenai Ai ga Kitto Aru” came via the, then brand spankin’ new client download service, Morpheus.
I was in middle school, with access to a 56k modem, so you better believe I spent hours downloading Mega Man midi files and mp3s that I would later struggle to find programs to play them with.
In searching for “Rock Man” in Morpheus, I ran across a file with a series of squares for a name, which I would later find out was “Makenai Ai ga Kitto Aru.”
Given that it’s ranked #4 on this list, I’d say it goes without saying that I really like this song.
It’s been in my music library since 1997, and to date I haven’t gotten tired of it.
Sung by Yukie Nakama, the song has a rare combination of Jpop-y “uppity-ness” and sincerity that make it noteworthy in an typically soulless genre of music.
The instrumentation in particular is quite inspired, as some of the synthesized guitar work is exceptionally potent, lending a lot to the strength of Nakama’s beautiful vocals.
As great as the song is, it’s interesting to note that, after having finally heard it used in Mega Man X4, I honestly don’t think it fits all that well.
Take a look:
Great song, poor usage.
Anyway, that was #4, check back tomorrow as we crack the Top 3 of the Top 10 Videogame Songs!
Anyway, part of the fun that comes with crafting a list like this, is the fact that songs are not only somewhat rare in videogames; but also the product of fairly recent technological developments.
That is to say, crafting this list was made much easier by the fact that there really weren’t all that many songs to choose from, and virtually all of them were made within my lifetime.
On that note, I feel I should mention that I’m not much of an RPG gamer, so if you don’t see your favorite pussy-ass JRPG mentioned here; I have this to say to you:
Fuck you, it’s my list.
That being said, let’s get on with naming #10 on our list!:
#10. Devil May Cry 4 – The Time Has Come/Shall Never Surrender
This one just barely made it on the list.
I’m a pretty big fan of (the second half of) the Devil May Cry series and it’s fast-paced gameplay, though to be totally honest; neither it’s aesthetic nor music have ever really been my cup of tea.
Gothic architecture and obscene amounts of leather wear aren’t really my thing, and while retarded power metal is something I actually enjoy from time to time; the style of death metal that populates most the Devil May Cry games is one I usually find kind of annoying.
Which brings me to why this track made the list.
The first half of this track, the “The Time Has Come” portion of it; is played during nearly every standard battle sequence of the game.
Using a single track for battle music is standard practice in Devil May Cry games, however the one used in Devil May Cry 4 was the only one that I genuinely began to like at some point.
Admittedly, the battle theme in Devil May Cry 3 also grew on me, however not to the extent that I actually grew to happily anticipate it’s appearances in-game.
Give the theme from 3 a listen, see what you think:
Possessing much “cleaner” lyrics, and an overall less overblown and grating sound, the battle theme in Devil May Cry 4 is indeed quite good by my standards; however it’s second half, “Shall Never Surrender” is also worth mentioning as well.
Serving as the core theme of the game, “Shall Never Surrender” is a melodic song with cryptic lyrics that are typical of Japanese productions, however the simplicity of the tune does much to strengthen it’s appeal.
The song is definitely not for everyone, but I found that the strength of the music bolstered by the pure sound of the lyrics when separated from their bullshit meaning, actually made it legitimately powerful in context.
On that note, being as my taste in music tends to favor the energetic, I make no bones about the fact that I much prefer the first half of the song to second.
Anyway, this one made the list largely on the grounds that it made a fan out of me despite my first impression being less than favorable.
To my knowledge, this marks something like the 30th time the game has been re-released.
From what I read over at IGN, it sounds like this version of the game will include all of the extra items and bonus content first introduced in the Playstation 2 port of the Gamecube original, while also updating the visuals to accommodate high definition technology ala the God of War HD Collection on the PS3.
While I do indeed already own a copy of the PS2 version of Resident Evil 4, ludicrous as it may seem; I’m very much tempted to pick up this new version of the game once it comes out.
I don’t feel I’m exaggerating when I say Resident Evil 4 was and is a terrific game of near unmatched quality; and one that I’m always looking for another excuse to pick up and play again.
Despite being a sequel in a hugely successful franchise, Resident Evil 4’s gameplay mechanics represented a brilliant departure from the norm; spawning a host of imitators and raising the bar sky high for gamer’s expectations of breadth of content, quality of visuals; and precision of controls.
To date, I’m still amazed by the sheer volume of content contained within Resident Evil 4, as well as the attention to detail and overall cohesiveness of the overall package.
In a series known for consistent excellence, Resident Evil 4 was the most boldly different and groundbreaking entry; ranking just behind Resident Evil 2 in terms of overall quality by my reckoning.
Meeting Will Smith: An epic moment in an epicly awesome game.
It’s funny though, despite all my praise for Resident Evil 4; I still kind of bear a grudge towards it for being as fucking amazing as it was.
You see, 4 was so fuckin’ successful that it seems to have had the effect of causing Capcom to subscribe to the belief that the Resident Evil series should continue working from the formula it established.
Take for instance Resident Evil 5, which was essentially a sub-par carbon copy 4 despite being several years removed from it’s predecessor.
Leave it to Capcom to throw their hands up and say “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it”…
Megaman: 20+ Years of Same Shit Different Day
Personally, I’m still longing for the day when we’ll see Resident Evil return to it’s clunky, fixed camera, survival-horror roots.
Anyway, this was me simultaneously reminiscing about and announcing the re-release of Resident Evil 4.
Now, all they need to do is remake Resident Evil 2 with current-gen graphics and the same tender loving care that they gave to the Gamecube remake of the first game…
Tonight we celebrated the 83rd edition of the Academy Awards.
Predictably, the English thespian uber-beast that is Colin FIRRRTHHHH managed to walk away with a Best Actor award, while Natalie Portman bagged the Best Actress.
While I haven’t seen The King’s Speech or Black Swan, and thusly can’t speak to the performances of these actors; in keeping with the spirit of the Academy Award festivities this evening, I’ve decided to put together a small list of the top 3 biggest FUCK-UPS the Academy saw fit to hand Best Actor awards to.
The following actors all have one thing in common:
While all may have had some bankability/acting merit at some point in their career, somewhere down the road they saw fit to sell-out and participate in some legendarily horrid films, some of which may or may not contain bear suits and bees.
Anyway, let’s get on with the list:
#3. Anna Pacquin
Yikes! 'Guess I can throw away that theory of her "growing into" that gap...
Anna Pacquin managed to charm her way to a Supporting Actress golden statue for her role in 1993’s, The Piano.
She was 11 years old at the time, making it fairly evident that the Academy staff is likely packed to the brim with pedo-faces.
For those that need a visual aid...
Now, given that Ms. Pacquin was very young when she received her Oscar, you’d expect her experience in the craft would improve as she grew older, right?
WRONG.
Sometime after The Piano, Anna Pacquin would go on to have supporting roles in such classics as, She’s All That, the X-Men series, and even the oh so cleverly titled horror anthology film, Trick ‘r Treat.
Also featuring that fat kid from Bad Santa!
While some might argue that Ms. Pacquin has seemingly found new life in her career with her leading role in the cable series True Blood, I would argue that she’s still very much in crap-town in terms of her bankability.
Case in point, she’s been cast in the upcoming (and largely unwanted) Scream 4, which retains almost none of the cast from the previous films.
While I would argue that the movie itself was actually kind of flat, with Ms. Bullock’s performance doing little to add to it’s mediocrity; the academy saw fit to give her the nod, thusly solidifying her place on this list.
Sandra Bullock had a rather odd journey to the Academy Awards.
Early on she was TV movie tripe like, Bionic Showdown: The Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman.
Thought I was kiddin', didin'cha'?
Then she started to move up in the world, landing supporting roles in modern classics like Demolition Man, and Speed.
That’s right, MODERN. CLASSICS.
Then she got greedy and started conning her way into starring roles in horse shit like The Net, and Speed 2: Cruise Control.
Pictured: A shitty, and severly dated movie.
Then came the beginning of the new millenium.
Then, came the era of congeniality.
Tens of thousands were killed in the angry riots spawned by the release of the first Miss Congeniality.
Entire nations were felled in the anarchic firestorm brought on by the announcement of the second in the series, Miss Congeniality: Armed and Fabulous.
Given her greedy nature, combined with the relative stagnation of her career since achieving Oscar gold, I would not be surprised if Ms. Bullock had her goons in Hollywood pounding out a script for Miss Congeniality 3: Botoxed and Beautiful, as we speak…
#1: Nicolas Cage
If you're trying to scare me Mr. Cage, you have succeeded...
No list of Hollywood burn-outs could be complete without the inclusion of Nic Cage.
The Cage began his stint in Hollywood from humble beginnings.
Early on, Cage made an impression in Hollywood with his critically acclaimed role as a douche bag in a handful of scenes from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
The Birth of a Legend...
Said performance would prove to be an acting formula Mr. Cage would draw from in crafting many of his finer roles.
For several years, Nic Cage would pop up in films, largely in background roles; often times stealing the show with his unearthly powers of scenery-chewing and not-giving-a-fuck.
Then came Moonstruck, a film that received enormous critical acclaim; and very likely would’ve netted Mr. Cage an Oscar had Cher not overwhelmed his performance with her massive aura of FAIL and gender neutrality.
WHAT.... IS, IT!!!!!????
Years passed, and Cage, now starting to make waves as the possible “next big thing” in the industry, started churning out half-assed shit like Firebirds, seemingly for the fun of it.
Few realized it at the time, but the man was challenging us to a twisted and bizarre game of his own designs, daring us to take him seriously as an actor one minute, only for him to turn heel and pump out half-assed performances in blockbuster films.
It was a game only he himself could understand, let alone enjoy; and yet for some reason we foolishly kept coming back for more.
As with his acting method founded so long ago on the bleachers of Ridgemont High, Nic Cage; sly son of a bitch that he is, once again found a new devious element to add to his modus operandi…
1995 saw the release of Leaving Las Vegas, the film that would finally give Nic Cage his Best Actor award.
Pictured: Nic Cage's acting coaches.
Despite receiving universal acclaim critics worldwide, Nic Cage would later go on record stating that he had no memory of ever having made a film called “Leaving Las Vegas,” claiming that he spent all of ’95 fighting savage women on one of his privately owned islands while wearing a bear-suit.
Regardless of the truth of this matter, Nic Cage would display great proficiency in bear-suit combat tactics in some of his later films, suggesting he may indeed have had prior experience in said activities…
Following his Oscar success, the Nic Cage floodgates of crappiness and truly not-giving-a-fuck would burst wide open.
Amplifying Nic Cage’s powers of “phoning-it-in” and “not-giving-a-damn” 10 fold, Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay would go on to sink their claws into the enigma that is The Cage; casting him in overblown crap-fest after overblown retarded crap-fest for years to come.
Awe-inspiringly bad, to the point where few could argue that Nic Cage had finally topped himself in terms of simultaneously not-giving-a-shit and intentionally trying to ruin a film; The Wicker Man was the proverbial dick-slap to the face of the Academy that awarded him as Best Actor of 1995.
It was a facepalm for the ages, and one I believe most in Hollywood relive every time Nic Cage’s face pops up on a movie poster.
With potential gems like Drive Angry and Ghost Rider 2still regularly showing up on Mr. Cage’s resume in the foreseeable future, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Academy actually tries to take back that award somewhere down the line…
Azn Badger's Blog 