Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Cowboys & Aliens WILL Kick Ass.

Despite it’s ridiculous title, and dubious connections to the original comic book source material, I’ve got a good feeling about Cowboys and Aliens.

Aside from the inherent possibilities that could emerge from the peanut butter and chocolate combination of cowboys and aliens, I think the biggest thing going for the movie (at least the movie that’s being marketed to us) is it’s serious, but not too serious tone.

Given the goofy title, Cowboys and Aliens could very easily have ended up being a pandering and goofy-as-fuck giggle fest, but based on the visual aesthetic, and “hardened” expressions of most of the cast; it would seem director Jon Favreau has opted to imbue his film with at least some semblance of class and drama.

In addition to this, with a cast consisting of an Onimusha/Devil May Cry 4/Lost Planet/God Hand/EVERY CAPCOM GAME OF THE NEW MILLENIUM gauntlet armed Daniel Craig, the always excellent Sam Rockwell, and an aging and hammy-as-fuck Harrison Ford; the possibility of Cowboys and Aliens being anything less than “fun” are nearly non-existent.

The real reason we're all going to see Cowboys and Aliens: ADAM BEACH.

To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t always as up on Cowboys and Aliens as I am now.

In fact, when I first heard of the movie, I thought it sounded like a lame joke; another Snakes on a Plane without the loving support of every meme-gobbling fanboy in existence.

Don’t pretend you weren’t one of them.

In other words, I didn’t expect much; and I certainly was planning to see it.

That all changed when I found myself reminiscing about an old Ray Harryhausen movie of my childhood, The Valley of Gwangi:

In case you couldn’t tell from the trailer, The Valley of Gwangi was one of the coolest movies ever, especially to a dinosaur obsessed child like myself.

You could take pretty much any expectations you’d have for a cowboy or dinosaur movie of it’s day and expect to find them met in some way shape or form by Gwangi.

It was an excellent movie that I’ll continue to love for the rest of my days, and will likely see fit to show to my kids whenever I’m fortunate to have them.

That being said, in remembering Gwangi; I realized that, in the case of Cowboys and Aliens, there’s a good chance it could all work.

There’s a good chance Cowboys and Aliens could capture the magic of something like The Valley of Gwangi, and by golly; I’m excited to see if it does.

Come this July, I’ll be heading to the theater for Cowboys and Aliens, not as some internet retard looking for a cheap laugh; but as a wide-eyed man child looking to be blown away by a movie that’s title advertises exactly what I think we’re all hoping for:

FUCKIN’ COWBOYS, fighting FUCKIN’ ALIENS.

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New Jurassic Park Game

Let it be known, the Azn Badger loves him some Jurassic Park.

Since day one, Jurassic Park references and tributes have been the norm here on this blog, and today is no exception.

You see, not long ago I was flipping through an issue of Game Informer, within which I happened to take note of an article regarding an upcoming, current-gen Jurassic Park videogame.

Looks good, but not great. Any JP is good JP though...

While the screenshots included in said article were not exactly the most flattering, bearing texture work and visual fidelity decidedly below par for the glitzy game market of today; I was relieved to find that the game will indeed be released as an episodic, downloadable product, as opposed to a full-priced retail item.

While it saddens me that my beloved JP-Jurassic Park-“Something Has Survived!” franchise won’t be getting a huge budget videogame of the game changing, eye candy laden variety worthy of the fanfare that the original film received back in the day; it pleases me to know that the game is (for once) being developed by competent human beings.

Jurassic Park: Warpath - Yes, I did in fact rent it. It sucked. MIGHTILY.

Keystone proponents of the steadily fading (but at once, loved) graphic adventure genre of gaming, the very capable people over at Telltale Games will be the ones’ responsible for doing digital justice to the house of Hammond.

Jurassic Park geek-speak aside, it’s worth noting that the new game will indeed take place in John Hammond’s backyard, namely that of Isla Nublar; the setting of the first Jurassic Park book/movie, and the site of the actual park of the series’ namesake.

Based on what I’ve read, the story is based around the exploits of Dr. Gerry Harding, AKA the park associate that was examining the sick triceratops in the first film.

"Hi, I'm a fuzzy image that may or may not represent a character in a movie!"

The actual time frame of the game explores the plot of the book/movie in a fashion similar to that of how Resident Evil 3 connected to Resident Evil 2.

Forgive the bizarre analogy, my mind has a tendency to connect things via movie and videogame references…

*Ahem!* Taking place before, during, and after the events of the first Jurassic Park story, I can’t help but feel a little bit excited about the inherent possibilities of structuring a game from this perspective.

Think about it:

Who wouldn’t want see Jurassic Park as it was before it went to shit?

Who wouldn’t want to find out what happened to Nedry’s Barbasol can containing the stolen dinosaur embryos?

"Fat Guy In A Little Coat... Fat Guy In A Little Coat..."

Who wouldn’t want to raid John Hammond’s stash of ginger ice cream while the T-Rex is still traipsing around the Visitor’s Center?

I did mention I’m kind a Jurassic Park dork, right?

Anyway, the actual details of the gameplay for this upcoming multi-part series is still somewhat of a mystery at this point; based on Telltale’s track record, I have a feeling we can expect a more cerebral, and evenly paced experience than seems to be customary with today’s fast-paced, shooter-stuffed market.

Being as these guy’s were the ones responsible for bringing us quality budget titles like the new Sam & Max series, and the most recent Monkey Island games; I’d say Jurassic Park is in capable hands.

Rest assured I’m gonna’ be keeping my eyes on this one…

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Holy Fucking Shit, It’s A Dinosaur.

You’ll have to forgive my laziness, as after spending 2 hours on the freeway just to get home from work; I really just can’t summon the strength to write anything clever or remotely interesting this evening.

Anyway, hopefully you enjoyed the video above, as I’ve found it always puts a smile on my face whenever I watch it.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll get around to posting the Top 5 Jackie Chan Songs That Keep The Azn Badger From Stabbing People for yah’.

Such passion! How could anyone not like him?

Regardless, sorry for the retarded/non-existent post.

Thanks for dropping by!

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #9: The Lost World

*Sorry folks, no clip this time.  After all, it is a Spielberg…*

Let it be known, The Lost World is just about the most outright savage example of “Spielbergian Spite Killing” in practice.

For the uninitiated, “Spielbergian Spite Killing” refers to the indisputable fact that anyone who is an asshole, or is at all deserving of comeupance in any way shape or form, will; at some point in the movie, FUCKING DIE FOR IT.

You are guys are SO dead...

For instance, in The Lost World alone we have:

A man doesn’t hear his friend’s cries for help on account of him listening to a Walkman.

Carter: A man all about his music...

Guess what?

HE FUCKIN’ DIED FOR IT.

Adios Carter...

Then, we have a weasely Brit that’s guilty of… Well, being a weasely Brit.

Oh yeah, and talkin' shit to Jeff Goldblum...

Guess what?

HE FUCKIN’ DIED FOR IT.

The Lost World used Baby T-Rex! It's Super-Effective!

Which brings us to Dieter Stark, played by resident creepy-as-fuck Swede, Peter Stormare.

Pictured: The kinder, gentler Stormare...

Dieter Stark seemingly makes it a point to be a douche in every scene he’s in.

Let’s review:

The first time we see Dieter, he’s riding around in a jeep and mishears Peter Postlethwaite, thusly resulting in him asking Postlethwaite to repeat himself.

No self-respecting MAN asks Peter Postlethwaite to repeat himself.

I would NOT fuck with this man. No, sir...

That’s strike 1.

Shortly thereafter, Dieter is seen examining a Composognathus with the InGen group’s resident paleontologist.

This dude. Oh yeah, he dies too; but for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.

After the creature is declared, quote: “not dangerous,” Dieter promptly whips out his trusty cattleprod, (never leave home without it) and zaps the little fucker seemingly just for the sake of seeing it squirm.

Hot chili!

That’s strike 2.

Finally, in one of Dieter’s last scenes in the movie, he is seen pacing around in the background while giving Vince Vaughn the goddamn stinkiest of stink-eyes.

Although, one could argue that Peter Stormare was born with a case of permanent, unintentional stink eye...

This of course results in a brief shoving match between the 2, which for all intents and purposes, Dieter loses, ’cause c’mon:

It’s fuckin’ Vince Vaughn.

No self-respecting MAN starts shit with Vince Vaughn and lives to tell the tale.

And that makes a big-fuckin’ strike 3.

Which brings us to the #9 Best Overkill in our Top 10 list of Best Overills in Movies:

Not long after his littler scuffle with Vince Vaughn, Dieter separates himself from the mercenaries/Team Goldblum in order to go relieve himself in the woods.

Upon leaving, he tells his buddy Carter to wait up for him, only for the camera angle to zoom-in and reveal, *GASP!* Carter couldn’t hear him on account of his wicked awesome Walkman!

BUM, BUM, BUMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!

In a film where there are crazy fuckin’ dinosaurs boppin’ around in the wilderness, and your character has; up to this point, been a total prick, you can pretty much guarantee that somethin’ bad’s gonna’ happen when you wander off on your own.

Sure enough, just before ‘ole Dieter can whip it out, he hears some chirping in the bushes, which upon further investigation; reveals the source to be:

A MOTHERFUCKIN' JUMP SCARE!!!! RAWWRRRRRR!!!!

Turns out, one of those Compsognathus’ found his ass out in the woods and decided to scare the piss out of him, seemingly just for kicks.

Dieter being the kind soul that he, exchanges a bit of silly banter with the Compy, and promptly whips out his retractable cattleprod and proceeds to do what he can to introduce the little guy to the wonders of electricity.

Despite his best effort, Dieter misses the little fucker.

Now, after all this excitement, Dieter discovers that not only has he forgotten that he needed to pee, but he also doesn’t know how to get back to Team Goldblum.

Just how fuckin’ shy can this guy’s kidneys be that he needs to run 3 fuckin’ miles into the wilderness to take a piss!?

I don’t know, maybe he was one of those fat kids that had body image security issues and swam with his shirt on or some shit…

Yup, one of these.

ANYWAY, Dieter starts meandering through the woods repeatedly calling out:

Cut back to Carter, listening to 99.3 FM, La Grande:

"I'm just gonna' get stepped on by the T-Rex later, so who gives a fuck?"

After quite literally getting turned around in there, Dieter unfortunately takes a bad step in the woods and falls ass over teakettle down into a creek bed ravine.

Ow.

Collapsed on the ground, and in a great deal of pain, Dieter once again hears that familiar chirping and finds himself  set upon by a bevy of fearsome first-person camera shots!

Thusly begins our overkill.

Composognathus’ start piling in from out of the woodwork, mounting Dieter like a little bitch and busting out some serious ground and pound.

"He's goin' for the Kimura!"

These tenacious little fuckers manage to cover every inch of poor Dieter, biting and clawing at him, and generally putting a cap on one very bad day out in the woods.

Seriously, they get on his neck:

On his arms:

And at one point they even take a chunk outta’ his lips:

As he struggles to pry free from the clutches of these little green fuckers, Dieter of course falls back on calling to his one savior, his one beacon of hope: Carter.

We all know how well that works out.

With that, the Compys randomly decide to detach themselves from Dieter, in concert; mind you, leading to a downright cruel sequence wherein the entire swarm of them line up and basically taunt poor Dieter.

Oh, you smug little fucks...

This angers the mighty Swede, thusly causing him to chase them off with a combination of manly primal screams and equally manly rock throwing.

While silly looking, these tactics prove effective enough to by Dieter enough time to do some Home Alone Joe Pesci swearing, (“Regit, frigit, midgit, son of a…”) and actually try something practical; I.E. calling for Peter Postlethwaite instead of that sack of fail Carter.

"You called ME out here to save you from some little green chickens? Fucking pussy..."

Unfortunately, Postlethwaite is off doing something badass, like killing a fuckin’ T-Rex with his bare hands or some shit, so he doesn’t exactly hear Mr. Dieter.
In his defense, whatever Peter Postlethwaite was doing, I’m pretty sure it was more important than saving the fuckin’ Swede from the Frogger episode of Seinfeld.

Anyway, we then cut back to Dieter, who is now growing desperate, and has regularly begun chucking rocks at the creepy first-person tracking shot that just won’t seem to leave him alone.

"Get that camera away from me, Spielberg! I didn't sign on for this shit!"

Of course, with all that hazardous backwards walking in the creek, Dieter eventually trips over a rock and falls flat on his face.

Then, something silly happens.

Despite his wounds, despite the horde of nasty little fuckers trying to EAT HIS FLESH, Dieter takes a moment, while laying the creek; to GET A DRINK OF FUCKIN’ WATER!


WHAT THE FUCK!!??

Seriously, man!?

Priorities, dude:  Get ’em in order…

Otherwise this happens:

"Well, hello there stranger!"

Anyway, this MASSIVE fuck up on Dieter’s part costs him dearly, in that the Compys finally catch up to him and put his ass in some sort of Steiner Recliner/Figure-4 hybrid:

Compy Recliner.

Figure-4 Compy-Lock.

Despite (literally) tearing this sad sack pile of Swedish fuck-sauce’s ass to ribbons, Dieter somehow manages to haul himself up out of the creek, and make a run for a downed tree.

That proves to be his final mistake.

As he reaches the tree, Dieter gives one final look back at his pursuers, as if to say:

"Well, I gave it a shot, but I think I'm pretty much fucked here..."

And then proceeds to weakly roll over the log, essentially sealing his fate as the Compys follow his ass all the way down:

Yup, given enough time, they'd probably kill yah'.

With that, being as this a PG-13 film, we are treated to a tasteful closing shot of our overkill involving no graphic violence, but rather a great deal of implied nastiness in the form of George Lucas backed sound editing, and a fair amount of blood streaming through the creek bed.

"What is it?" "Blood! I hope this is not Chris' blood!"

All that carnage and nastiness, resulting in the 9th best Overkill in Movies, from a tiny dinosaur that was considered, quote:

“Not dangerous…”

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Best Boss Music #4: Adventure Island 2

Hudson’s Adventure Island 2 was one of my favorite sidescrolling platformers on the NES.

The game had the straightforward appeal of a Mario game, but with a more aggressive play style.

In most Mario games, precision platforming was the order of the day, as most of level designs, and indeed the enemies in the game, were maneuvered around and dispatched using carefully placed jumps.

Outside of the occasional power-up, Mario did most of his fighting with his ass.

In the Adventure Island series however, the player character, Master Higgins AKA Takahashi; was rarely without a stone hatchet to chuck at his enemies.

Oh yeah, he also had skateboards and dinosaurs to help him too.

Yeah, he's fat.

In fact, fighting in Adventure Island, while hardly required to make your way through most of the stages, was an element of the gameplay that was heavily emphasized.

Enemies were numerous throughout the games’, mostly consisting of pissed off animals of the tropical variety.

I think it's safe to say that the pig lost.

This, coupled with the fact that Master Higgins handled like a meatloaf on wheels, lead to the player typically relying on their weapon to clear the screen of enemies, rather than risk one-touch death as a result of trying to hurdle a snake with one very fat, baseball cap wearing Polynesian.

Artist Rendering

This, combined with the games’ strict time limit, lead to a platforming experience that felt more like a mad dash through an obstacle course as opposed to the more hazard based, methodical nature of most other platformers.

The “time limit” in Adventure Island games, was represented by a series of white tally marks across the top of the screen indicating Master Higgins’ level of hunger.

That's right, he's back. And you better believe he's still hungry...

Throughout the game, players would have to constantly grab fruits and vegetables that would appear before them, thusly keeping Master Fatty McFat-Pants Higgins from dieing of starvation.

For whatever reason, accidentally grabbing an eggplant would cause the angry vegetable (I’m serious, just look at it’s “face”) to follow Higgins around, blare ominous music, and eat away at his time limit.

One EVIL Motherfucker

Either eggplant gives Higgins the shits, or someone on the Hudson development team truly hated that vegetable, because to this day I just don’t get it.

Hell, they even made the eggplant the FINAL BOSS in Adventure Island 4.

Anyway, the main plot of virtually all of the Adventure Island games is typical “rescue the damsel in distress” fare.

You see, Master Higgins, obese island chief that he is, just happens to have a seriously hot lady named Tina living with him on his so-called “Island of Adventure.”

Hey, back in the day THIS was hot.

In fact, his woman is so hot, that wild animals, strange man-animal hybrids, and even aliens want to make off with her.

Well, as you may have guessed, at the start of every game, one of the above goes ahead and snatches Higgins’ lady, thusly forcing the player to guide ‘ole Fat Body across the island to save her.

Now, imagine running across the island when you're built like THIS guy. God rest his soul.

Adventure Island 2 was my favorite game in the series, largely because 3 was always checked out at the rental place.

The first game, in my opinion, was kind of rubbish; with lame graphics, the weakest music in the series, and a seriously limited color palette.

Adventure Island 2 kicked ass because it was Mario, but with dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs that breathed FIRE.

Godzilla = The Azn Badger's Hero.

All of the Adventure Island games had great soundtracks with a great island flair to them.

Most of the tracks were uppity and fun, fitting the colorful graphical style of game about as well as one could hope.

In example, here’s one of the most famous tracks from the series, the Map Screen Theme:

Despite the “island” sound of that particular track, Adventure Island games were by no means one-trick ponies in the audio department.

Like most platformers throughout gaming history, Adventure Island games typically saw the player traverse a wide-range of environments I.E. ice stage, fire stage, air stage, etc.

In Adventure Island 2’s case, the game just happened to have a pretty spankin’ Desert Theme:

As you have probably figured by now, the Boss Theme for Adventure Island 2 was awesome.

So awesome in fact, that they recycled it for the third game.

Check it out:

Adventure Island 2 is one of my favorite platformers of all time.

And while I know that the entire series is basically a carbon copy of the Wonder Boy games, and that the series has since deviated from it’s traditional gameplay in favor of a more Zelda-like style as of Adventure Island 4 on the Famicom, none of that will change the fact that Adventure Island 2 is a kick-ass game.

Master Higgins is still a fatty though.

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