MASSIVE Summary of Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend

Alright everyone, here it is, the article that set me 2 or 3 days behind schedule with my writing.

Yesterday I posted pretty much the closest equivalent to a review of Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend, that I possibly could.

The movie is pure eye-candy, and was definitely made for fanboys and kids.

Being as I consider myself pretty much both of those things in regards to Ultraman, I don’t feel qualified to write a full-on review for this movie.

Nah, that’s bullshit.

Truth of the matter is, I’ve never encountered a film so entirely devoid of structure and plot, while at the same time so visually exciting; and to be perfectly honest, I simply don’t know how I feel about the experience.

That, and this took a crazy long time to write, and frankly I don’t feel like putting any more time into Ultraman stuff right now.

Oh well, get settled in, ’cause what follows is a MASSIVE scene-by-scene summary, almost like a slideshow (if I could use plug-ins with my blog, I would hella’ make one).

*Ahem!* Spoilers Ahead.

Man, it's like their language was created specifically for making awesome title screens...

The story of Ultra Galaxy Legend is very straightforward, and is pretty much explained to us over the course of one exposition heavy scene.

Unfortunately this scene doesn’t come until a half an hour into the film, so bear with me until then.

The movie begins with an homage to the original Ultraman TV series, by dropping us into a fight between Ultraman Moebius and Bemura, the first “monster of the week” featured in the very first Ultraman episode EVER.

"From off the top rope!"

After a somewhat awkward battle, wherein the choreography is much faster and less pose oriented than in perhaps any other Ultra movie, we’re treated to a montage sequence explaining the who’s who and what’s what of the Ultra and Ultra Galaxy universe.

A scene from the opening titles of CSI: M-78 Nebula.

The whole montage bears a striking resemblance to the one featured in Godzilla: Final Wars, complete with similar synth-heavy background music and flashy posing by all of the featured characters.

Now THAT'S a posse.

In fact, the whole movie bears a certain resemblance to Final Wars, but that’s a discussion for another time.

In between beats we are treated to a few brief scenes of life in the M-78 Nebula, in the Ultra homeworld of the Land of Light.

The Land of Light

These scenes do a wonderful job of showcasing just how far the visual effects have come for the Ultra series, as well as do a fair amount to flesh out the previously only barely seen M-78 Nebula.

Watching Ultraman Taro oversee the training of a bunch young Ultramen brought a smile to my face, as well as a few bad memories of the Star Wars prequels‘ jedi academy scenes.

I wish my teachers wore fucking capes...

Moving on, our story begins with Alien Zarab, a shape-shifter that famously terrorized the original Ultraman way back in 1966, showing up at the Ultraman equivalent of the Phantom Zone, with gadget called the Giga Battle Nizer in tote.

After storming the Ultra prison, Zarab frees an evil Ultraman named Belial, (you can tell he’s evil ’cause he’s black and red and has claws) apparently with the intent of joining forces with said evil Ultraman.

Um, not sure if I would trust that guy...

Yeah, Zarab gets to speak maybe 3 sentences before Belial shoves the Giga Battle Nizer up his ass and out his mouth.

Before Belial can leave the prison however, Taro and a bunch of no-name Ultra’s show up with the intent of putting the bunneh’ back in the box.

"Why couldn't you put the bunneh' back in the box?"

Of course, with Cameron Poe nowhere in sight, Taro and his troops get smacked around something awful.

I swear, Taro’s Ultra goombas get flipped and thrown into pretty much every wall and all-around hard surface available during this fight.

Yup, whole lotta' this...

Like watching a WWF tables match where everybody’s a Dudley Boy… and the ring is made of tables.

With this, Taro gets desperate, chugs a 5 Hour Energy, and spears Belial right off the fucking cube, down through the atmosphere, and down onto the Ultra homeworld’s surface.

Then things really get cool.

Okay, maybe not THAT cool, but still pretty cool nontheless.

Belial takes on virtually every Ultra character from the M-78 Nebula, all at once.

The choreography is hard-hitting and well shot, with very energetic camerawork that is creative, but never dizzying or confusing.

Most impressive however, is the fact that fanservice is kept to a minimum during this scene.

Well, kind of anyway.

Belial tangles with Ultraseven 21 and Ultraman Neos. Oh yeah, and some no-name Ultra Grunts too.

Despite nearly every Ultra taking part in the fight, only a scant few actually pull out any of their trademark moves, and for the most part, everyone is portrayed as nothing more than chaff getting in Belial’s way.

Color me surprised when I saw Ultraman Powered and Great kicking around in there.

Yup that's Great about to get kicked there on the left, and that's Powered on the right doing more than he ever did with an entire season of his own show.

Would’ve thought Tsuburaya would prefer to forget about those two…

Anyway, somewhere amid all the chaos, Ultraman Moebius gets tossed up into the stratosphere.

With most of the lesser Ultras cast aside, the original Ultraman, Zoffy, and Seven show up in their pimp capes and get a few nice moments to shine, as they should.

Pimp to a degree only the truly PIMP can acheive.

Ace, Jack and 80 do too, but 80’s appeal consists of being able to put both the balls and the cock in his mouth at the same time, so needless to say, I really didn’t care.

Plus, none of them had pimp capes.

After flattening all the Ultras, Belial makes a move to steal the Ultra Spark, which is apparently the source of all Ultra power.

"OH, MY BELOVED ICE CREAM BAR...."

Before he can get to it though, Ultra Father shows up and is all like:

"Git' yo' fingahs' out my cookie jar, son!"

Belial ain’t havin’ none ah’ that, so they throw.

Father lands a few nice knife-edge chops, but eventually Belial gets pissed and starts no-selling his bumps.

Belial manages to get the upper hand, and after SHOOTING TARO IN THE FACE, and bitch-slapping Ultra Mother, saunters over to the Ultra Spark and straight up jacks it.

Now, apparently the Ultra Spark really is the source of all Ultra power, ’cause once it’s gone, the whole damn planet starts to freeze over. Like, real fast.

It's like "The Day After Tomorrow", but with Ultraman!

With the Ultra planet freezing fast, Taro takes drastic measures and sets himself ON FIRE (don’t worry, he does that sometimes) so he can preserve the last vestiges of the remaining Ultra Spark power.

With that, Ultraman and Ultraseven manage to shield themselves from the wave of ice, while everyone else, Father and Mother included, gets frozen solid.

Yeah, the two most popular characters in franchise history manage to avoid getting frozen. Didn’t see that coming.

We are now 20 minutes into the film.

Our story resumes as we are whisked away to planet Dent, an Earth-like planet that Rei and the ZAP crew are currently assigned to explore.

It’s interesting to note that the folks at Tsuburuya managed to slip in a bit of fanservice here in form of giving that dick eater Musashi Haruno (from Ultraman Cosmos) a brief cameo.

Only God knows how many cocks have graced those lips...

Not 2 minutes after the ZAP crew touch down, a giant monster, Zaragas, shows up and tries to kill them.

"GET, IN, MAH' BELLAY!!!!!!!!"

Such is the life of a human in the Ultra universe.

The ZAP crew pull out their HANDGUNS and start plugging away at the 200 ft. tall Zaragas, only to find that it’s not very effective…

Fortunately, Rei, Pokemon master that he is, just happens to have just the Fighting Pokémon needed to carry the day.

"He's goin' for the Thai clinch!"

After a few Tail Whips and Quick Attacks, Rei orders Gomora to use Horn Drill, which, unbelievably, actually lands for a change and causes Zaragas to faint in one hit.

In truth, the wild Zaragas finds this particular form of penetration to be pleasurable rather than painful.

Following this, we are almost treated to some dialogue between the ZAP crew members, but just before they can open their mouths, Moebius drops in and… takes off into space with Rei in his hand.

The scene that follows is, in short, the plot.

Everything you need to know, every little bit of exposition you will ever need to understand just what’s going on in the movie, is covered in this one scene as Hibino Mirai/Ultraman Moebius talks at Rei.

Man, this guy's hair just gets more and more epic every time I see him...

Apparently Anakin, I mean Belial, was a young Ultraman way back when that broke the Ultra law and touched the Ultra Spark, sampling it’s power.

Cocaines' a hell of a drug...

Touching the Ultra Spark proves to be too much for young Belial, as it drives him nuts and gives him an insatiable lust for power, kind of like ‘roids.

With that, the Ultra brothers banish Belial and leave him out in deep space, where he becomes possessed by the power of an alien named Reiblood.

That'd be a helluva' thing to walk in on.

With his new powers in tow, as well as his Giga Battle Nizer, which gives him the power to control 100 monsters, Belial wages war on the Ultra homeworld.

Things go pretty much as they did earlier in the movie, except this time around, Mr. Deus Ex Machina himself, Ultraman King shows up.

Then one day, the great Burger King descended from the heavens, and all was good.

Long story shot, Belial gets thrown into the Rubik’s Cube/Phantom Zone and is never seen again… until 5 minutes into this movie.

Moebius explains to Rei that the alien that possessed Belial, Reiblood, just happens to be of the same race as Rei himself.

Through logic unknown to me, Moebius comes to the conclusion that Rei will be a key factor in winning the battle against Belial.

Meanwhile, Belial takes up residence at the Monster Graveyard, using the combined powers of the Ultra Spark and his Giga Battle Nizer to revive his army of 100 monsters.

Whoops. Somebody done overfed their gold fish...

Belial will spend the next half hour or so of the movie roasting marshmallows with his monster buddies.

Seriously, after freeing himself from imprisonment with a shit ton of gusto and brew-ha-ha, Belial spends a third of the movie doing jack shit.

Oh well, he might not do anything, but he at least sends some of his buddies to take out Moebius and Rei who’ve now decided to go back to the Ultra homeworld to snag the last bit of light that Taro managed to salvage.

Dorako, Bemustar and Salamandora get the jump on our heroes, then curiously decide to stand around and do nothing with the opportunity.

So... You guys just gonna' stand there, or what?

Fortunately, Belial saw fit to send Alien Shaplay to act as their wrangler.

And Shaplay done brought his gat’. That’s right, he been tuh’ prison.

That's right, Tec-9 in space. Fuckin' Gangsta'...

One of the most absurdly acrobatic shoot-outs in cinema history follows, complete with over-the-top tactical rolls and homages to Equilibrium’s “Gun Kata.”

Yes, I own Equilibrium. And no, I don’t think it’s the best movie ever.

Moving on, Rei elects to let Mirai take on Shaplay all by his lonesome, reasoning that he will use the opportunity to take on the 3 giant monsters hanging out just over the hill by summoning Gomora.

Unfortunately, Rei slips and drops his Poké Balls, I mean Battle Nizer, into a crevice.

I hella' thought for sure he was gonna' Force Pull it to himself. No fooling.

At the same time, Alien Shaplay barfs gunk all over Mirai’s transformation device, the Moebius Brace, thereby restricting him to his human form.

Fortunately, Ultraseven’s capsule monsters, Windam, Mikuras and Agira show up to save everyone from the monsters that were in no way posing a threat.

"This is a real slobber-knocker!"

As the melee unfolds, Ultraman and Ultraseven, in human form, show up to aid our heroes in their respective crises.

In short, Dan Moroboshi helps Rei retrieve his Battle Nizer, and Shin Hayata uses an assault rifle(?) to put a few rounds in Shaplay, causing him to be buried by an avalanche.

What follows is one of the hokiest zoom-in reveals I can recall in recent history.

Ultraman gets HARDCORE.

With the monsters defeated for the moment, our band of heroes settle down for a Ultra Pow-Wow to discuss a plan to take on Belial.

Seeing as Ultramen aren’t exactly known across the universe as “planners” so much as “fighters,” their plan boils down to getting their powers back and recruiting Ultraseven’s conveniently over-powered son so they can get their lunch box back from Belial or some shit.

I don’t know; I wasn’t paying attention. 2 dialogue scenes in 45 minutes of fighting has a way of A.D.D-ing the fuck out of you.

It's a good thing that hood is blocking his view. That boys' eyeing him something fierce.

Also convenient however, is the fact that Ultraseven’s son is off on a faraway planet training with Ultraman Leo and his brother Astra.

Well, he isn’t exactly training so much as he’s going through a sort of initiation.

You see, he just happened to try and touch the Ultra Crack Rock, I mean Ultra Spark, just like Belial did.

Fortunately he was stopped just in time by Ace and Jack, who promptly sent him off to Ultra Rehab.

"Someone touched my ass!"

Anyway, in the present, we are shown clips of Ultraseven’s son sparring with Leo while Ultraman King looks on from above.

Seven’s son is, once again, conveniently clothed from the waist up in a suit of armor designed to encumber him so as to train his muscles or some shit, really though it’s just a clever way to mask his form until the final reel.

May I remind you, that these guys are supposed to be made of fucking LIGHT.

Well, because Rei didn’t get to use his Pokémon in that last battle, Shaplay, somehow freed from the avalanche, pops up again and throws out his strongest monster yet, Black King!

What follows is a brief skirmish, wherein Gomora pwns the shit out of ‘ole Black King.

My guess is that the “Black” in Black King’s name refers to him being a Dark type Pokémon, ’cause Gomora’s Fighting moves were super effective…

Anyway, Shaplay follows our heroes into the chamber housing Taro’s frozen body, then promptly proceeds to engage in another bullet ballet with them.

...which he promptly loses.

With Shaplay and Black King defeated, our heroes approach Taro’s frozen body, and retrieve the power they need to transform and combat Belial.

Mass nodding and transformation sequences follow shortly thereafter.

HENSHIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!!

With that, our heroes take off to face Belial for the final showdown.

Hang on, what now?

We’ve just hit the 50 minute mark, and our heroes are already on their way to the final battle?

Where they fuck did they hide the middle of the movie!?

*Sigh* Oh well, moving on…

Remember when I told you Belial spent a good third of the movie with his thumb up his butt?

Well, we’re now almost an hour into the movie and he’s still just sitting around marveling at the majesty of his pimp cane.

Dumb shit...

It’s not long however, before our heroes crash the party at the Space Graveyard and get ready to raise hell.

But not before Belial and Rei engage in the obligatory “Join the Dark Side” conversation.

Belial somehow reasons that, Rei should join him because they are of the same race.

Rei declares such words untrue, and therefore impossible, then summons Gomora and this faggety-ass CGI bird thing called Ritora.

In response, Belial uses his pimp cane to call out all 100 of his huge-ass bitches at once.

Goddamn 'dat be a lot ah' bitches...

What follows is perhaps the Ultra brawl to end all Ultra brawls.

The fight is energetic, colorful and well-shot, with virtually every one of the 100 monsters represented to some degree, however if ever there was a case to argue that 100 monsters is just too many for one movie, this would be it.

Black Joe layin' the smack down on Ultraseven.

Seriously, as awesome as this fight is, it goes on all the way to the end of the movie.

And remember, we’re barely an hour in.

Some time during the “Mega Monster Battle,” the movie takes a break to check on the ZAP crew, and what they’ve been up to all this time.

Hey, remember these guys!? Yeah, me neither...

Turns out, they’ve been sittin’ around with their thumbs up their butts.

In fact, despite all the time that’s passed, they’re just now discussing the idea of tracking down Rei.

Unfortunately, it is revealed that the Space Graveyard is light years away and would take decades to get to anyway, OH MY GOD LOOK!!! A SPACE DRAGON!!!!!!

.... I got nothin'.

Oh well, I was getting bored of that conversation anyway.

Well, turns out this, uh, space dragon, is called Space Dragon Nurse, and apparently it works for Belial, cause it goes after the ZAP crew’s Pendragon ship like they stole from it.

Eventually, Nurse catches up to our heroes and coils around their ship, viciously constricting it in the process.

Then, for apparently no reason at all, Alien Zetton decides to join the party, teleporting into the hull of the Pendragon.

His first action is of course, to start waving a gun around like a chump.

Well now, I don't see how pointing a gun in everyone's faces in going to help blow up their ship any faster, but okay.

With Zetton bein’ all gangsta’, Nurse crushing their ship, and all of the universes’ Ultramen apparently off doing more important stuff, things look crazy bad for the ZAP crew, when out of nowhere, another plot convenience arrives to save the day!

And I thought he looked dumb BEFORE he bleached his hair...

Behold, Shin Asuka AKA Ultraman Dyna!

Now, normally this wouldn’t be a big deal, after all, Deus Ex Machina is the name of the game in Ultraman movies, but in this case, Dyna’s not even from the same continuity, the same universe as the other Ultramen.

Oh yeah, and he was a clown-ass bitch that nobody liked in the first place.

Whatever… Anyway, Asuka beats the tar out of Zetton, then elects to TELEPORT our heroes to the Space Graveyard to lend a hand in the battle against Belial.

How convenient.

Oh wait, but first Dyna has to blow the shit out of ‘ole Nurse:

Nurse go boom!

We then cut back to the battle at hand, where we are treated to a sequence wherein Rei takes on a number of human-sized monsters, well, after he transforms into his Super Saiyan, I mean Reionix form.

... You sure he's not related to Ultraman somehow?

Following this little skirmish, Belial and Rei once again pick up their “Join the Dark Side” conversation, only this time, I shit you not, Rei actually gives in!

That’s like Darth Vader bein’ all like:

"Yo, Luke. Join the Dark Side n'shit."

Then Luke bein’ all like:

"Man, fuck dat' shit, FUCK YO' FAAAAAAACE!!!!"

Then Darth bein’ all like:

"Yo, c'mon dawg, foh' real."

Then Luke bein’ all like:

"Yeah okay, sounds fun."

ANYWAY, Rei freaks out and turns into a Dark Reionix or some shit, presumably because he gets too pissed off or something.

Consequently, this also causes Gomora to go Super Saiyan, as well as totally batshit crazy, meaning he starts focusing his attention exclusively on the Ultramen.

Oh yeah, and that worthless piece of CGI crap, Ritora, is nowhere to be seen.

"How nature says, do not touch."

Gomora proceeds to clean house as Ultraman Dyna and the ZAP crew finally show up just in time to calm Rei down.

I gotta’ say, Captain Hyuga has probably the craziest and most awesome entrances I’ve seen in awhile.

Right after he tells the pilot, Haruna, to land, he goes and does this:

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

He jumps out the fucking ship!

What follows is an embarrassingly melodramatic and LONG sequence wherein the ZAP crew all try to stage an intervention for Rei by physically restraining him and repeatedly calling out his name.

Yeah, ’cause I’m sure that’s exactly what the specialists do when uncle Jeb won’t put down the crack pipe.

Despite this, I have to say, things do wrap up pretty epic-ly as Captain Hyuga slow-motion smacks Rei back to his senses.

WAAAAAAAAAAATAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

During all this chaos however, Ultraseven gets low-blowed by Belial, resulting in him being incapacitated moments after throwing his Eye Slugger into space.

Because Dyna is a cock-goblin, and couldn’t possibly make up for the loss of Seven, our heroes immediately start falling behind in battle.

Cut back to Ultraseven’s son and Leo off in space training.

During their sparring match, a cute little red alien, Pigmon has been hopping around in the background, being well, cute.

Not sure "cute" was the best word...

At some point, Pigmon is almost crushed, however, Seven’s son manages to step in just in time to save him.

Apparently Leo was counting on this happening at some point, ’cause he calls an end to their training session, declaring his pupil ready to be a real Ultraman.

Ultraman King finally makes his presence known to everyone, throwing out a few inspiring words in the process, then sending Seven’s son, who apparently wasn’t aware of who his dad was, on his way after Seven’s Eye Slugger (that mohawk blade on his head, c’mon man, try an’ keep up) crashes on the training planet.

With that, Ultraman King orders Seven’s son’s armor removed, then promptly sends him on his way to fight Belial.

Curiously enough, despite the universe being at stake, Ultraman King, Leo and Astra don’t so much as call a cab.

Oh well, it’s only the universe, not like we can’t just get another one of those.

Cut back to Dyna chugging the cock with a smile:

Only Dyna could elect to take on 100 penises at once...

Just before Dyna drowns in all that cock sauce however, Ultraseven’s son FINALLY shows up, blowing up a half dozen monsters and rescuing his father in one fell swoop.

With that, Ultraseven’s son is finally revealed in full, declaring himself Ultraman Zero:

And wouldn't you know it, he actually looks pretty bad ass.

Kudos to the people over at Tsuburaya for not fucking up by having Zero fail to live up to his hype.

He does.

And he does it well.

Too well in fact.

You remember in Dragonball Z movie 12 when Goku and Vejita fused into Gojita and flattened Janenba inside of a minute?

Okay, maybe you don't. I do though, so fuck you.

Well, that was awesome because we spent half of the movie waiting for the fusion to happen, and when it finally did, we were treated to the arrival of a character so powerful that he pretty much turned the whole power level spectrum upside down.

Ultraman Zero on the other hand, gives the same impression of being overwhelmingly powerful, but we spend 10 minutes watching him be awesome.

10 minutes is an eternity when dealing with awesomeness.

As was the case in populating a movie with, literally, over a hundred unique monsters, sometimes less is more.

Anyway, personal objections aside, Zero cleans house in epic fashion, taking out all the monsters, and pwning Belial like a little bitch without so much as breaking a sweat.

"SHIENKYAKU!" Brownie points to all those that recognize the reference!

Eventually, Zero blasts Belial with possibly the pimpest Ultra finisher in franchise history, sending him into a volcanic ravine.

You would think that would be the end of the battle, but being as this is an Ultraman movie, Belial decides to come back for one more round by combining the fallen souls of his 100 bitches into a single massive, rod-puppet controlled body.

So rubbery... So very rubbery...

With the arrival of this most impressive super monster, Ultraman Leo and Astra finally decide to show up.

No sign of Ultraman King though, lazy bastard.

Everyone jumps into battle against the largely immobile super monster, launching their respective trademark attacks, and unfortunately inflicting little to no damage in the process.

Oh yeah, you know Dyna tried to put it in his mouth. However, even a dick licker like Dyna couldn’t fit 100 cocks in there at once…

Just when things start to look grim for our heroes, Rei gets the bright idea to use his Battle Nizer to take control of the still functioning Pimp Cane that Belial dropped in his battle with Ultraman Zero.

Apparently, this is what it takes to steal internet from Comcast these days...

Sure enough, the plan works beautifully, and the super monster is thrown into spasms and seizures, as the 100 monsters comprising it’s body begin to rebel against it.

Ultraman Zero approaches the Ultra Spark, (yup, it hasn’t moved since Belial planted it in the ground almost an hour ago) and uses it’s power to transform his twin Eye Sluggers into one of those Klingon blade thingies.

Yeah, this time YOU know what it is, not me. Fuckin' Star Trek, bein' all complicated n'shit...

Following this, Ultraman orders everyone to, you guessed it, use their trademark attacks to distract Belial (he’s mounted atop the super monster’s head) and the monsters so Zero can land the killing blow.

From a distance it almost looks like the end of Ghostbusters...

Cue epic explosion:

Sorry, no George Lucas Special Edition "Vertical Rings" though. Maybe in 20 years.

With that, Belial is finally defeated, and peace restored to the universe.

Ultraman Zero returns the Ultra Spark to it’s rightful place, thereby redeeming his past wrongdoings and freeing the Ultra homeworld from it’s icy state.

"Okay Taro, you can have your ice cream back."

Asuka and the ZAP crew are invited back to the Ultra homeworld for “thank you’s” and mutual, emphatic nodding.

Unfortunately, they aren’t allowed to tour the planet, as apparently the radiation of the Ultra Spark will, well, kill them.

Dyna escorts Rei and the humans back home, and then Ultra King brings our film to an end with a nifty little speech that isn’t all that dissimilar from the one at the end of Starship Troopers.

"They'll fight, and they'll win! Join the Mobile Infantry today! Would you like to know more?"

Oh yeah, and then there’s a last minute reveal where we find out Belial’s still alive and will likely show up whatever Ultra whatsit they decide to follow this movie up with…

But you wouldn’t care about that.

Hope you enjoyed the experience of READING a plotless movie, I know I did.

Hopefully, I’ll never do something like this again, don’t think my brain can take the stress…