Not long ago, I put together a short list of foods that are known to upset my stomach.
Well, actually I believe I referred to the food list as being composed of items that “totally wreck your shit;” but that’s besides the point.
The point is, that list was only a small sampling of the many food products out there (mainly dried fruits and dairy products) that, while delicious; have severely debilitating repercussions for those that choose to consume them.
That being said, as I went over that list in my head today, I came to realize that I accidentally left out one particular food item that no bowel-wrecking food list should be without.
Said food item, is the apricot.
Unassuming and mild in appearance and taste, the apricot is, like the corn snake of the animal kingdom, one of nature’s cruel jokes.
Like the highly venomous corn snake, which bears a resemblance to the non-venomous king snake, (Zoobooks, God love ’em) the apricot has an appearance akin to several varieties of peaches.
Nevermind that apricots taste like squirrel anus in comparison to peaches…
Despite this, the brightly colored, supple fuzzy skinned apricot was seemingly engineered in such a way as to lure foolish creatures into eating it.
In that sense, it’s truly an evil fruit.
I ask you, how else could you describe a fruit that looks like the fuckin’ juiciest peach you’ve ever seen, tastes like grapefruit smeared with dirt and sea monkeys, and then yanks your colon out your ass an hour later?
That’s the thing that really gets me about apricots, how fucking calculated it’s attack on your anus seems to be.
I mentioned that apricots taste mild.
On my list from awhile back, I put mango and papaya on there, as I have a great deal of experience in battling those beasts on the porcelain throne.
Seriously, me and those 2, we fight it out all the fuckin’ time, ‘cept now that I’ve seen all their best moves, they ain’t got nothin’ on me.
The point, mango and papaya are extremely flavorful, and borderline syrupy fruits.
Their rich to the point in which you tell yourself at some point while eating them:
“Well, I’ve been eating mango now for 20 minutes straight. I should probably pack it in, otherwise I’ll get the shits.”
That thought never enters your mind when you’re eating apricots on account of them tasting so fuckin’ plain.
It’s one of those fruits that no one really goes out of their way to get a hold of.
You just kind of eat ’cause, well; it’s there and you have nothing better to do.
In case you haven’t realized this already, a word to the wise:
DON’T EAT TOO MANY APRICOTS.
You know what happens when you eat too many fuckin’ apricots?
Your anus goes supernova, that’s what.
You think you’ve had explosive diarrhea?
No, I’m afraid you have not sir and/or madam.
You think you’ve had horrible fuckin’ gas that feels like your passing a banana slug every time your ass unclenches to let out a fart?
No, I’m afraid you have not sir and/or madam, not until you’ve OD’ed on apricots.
While it’s far from one of the worst aspects of apricot induced anal napalming, (we’ll get to that) it should be mentioned that there is a truly devious time-delay to the intestinal effects of the malevolent fruit of the Turks.
For a good solid hour or so, you’re fine.
You go about you day, thinking everything’s fine, and then out of nowhere, you feel a tremor in the force.
It starts small, like the water glass ripples in Jurassic Park.
You feel a slight tingle in your belly, like tiny feathers are tickling your insides.
Your eye twitches involuntarily.
And then it happens.
Your stomach gurgles and let’s out bestial roar that would send the mightiest of beasts running for the hills.
With that, the race to find a porcelain venue to extricate and extinguish the raging fury of the mighty bowel beast is on.
At this point there is precious little time, possibly less than 5 minutes before either your entire body tears itself in half in a desperate bid to pass an ungodly mass of shit in one go, or you start puking up orange feces.
In other words:
You have 5 minutes to find a toilet, or risk a messy and horribly violent death at the hands of Turkish fruit.
In public no less.
Assuming you find your way to a toilet/honey bucket/spot in the bushes, congratulations; you now get the pleasure of enduring one of the most savage tests of rectal fortitude known to man.
The moment you get your pants down, pray to God you’re wearing a helmet, ’cause the explosive force of your anus expelling untold volumes of apricot juice is going to put you in orbit, or failing that; head first into whatever roof lie above you
Seriously, you better make sure to be holding on tight to the toilet too, ’cause in about 1 second flat, you’re gonna’ be floating 20 feet above it spewing a hateful waterfall of orange fecal matter onto the floor, the walls, all over yourself and most of the nearby countryside.
I cannot stress enough, just how utterly morbid the process of apricot induced anal evacuation can be.
The immense pressure generated by the expulsion process is enough to cripple a man for life.
I’ve cracked my back ass-vomiting apricots.
I’ve popped my ears anally aborting a gelatinous apricot baby once or twice.
I’ve been told that, in particularly severe instances; men have felt as if their eyes, tongue and teeth were going to be sucked from inside their skulls and coughed up into the shiny white bowl along with the gallons of apricot jizz and the rest of their internal organs.
That being said, this post should be considered less an addition to my intentionally humorous list of foods that will wreck your shit, and more like that of a PSA.
Seriously, don’t fuck with apricots.
They will fuck with you right back, and trust me; you don’t want that…