It’s interesting to note that, despite the pathetic (and hilarious) nature of the Bob the Goldfish fights in both Earthworm Jim 1 and 2, I actually consider both of those games to be quite difficult overall.
It’s like they decided to give you a reprieve from the oppressive difficulty, and make a joke all at the same time.
Also worth noting is the fact that this clip was captured from the Genesis version of the game, as is clearly evident from the ratty sound quality.
Maybe it’s just because I grew up with an NES and Super NES in the house, but for whatever reason I seem to have a stigma against most Sega products…
Knights of the Round was, and forever will be; one of my favorite beat ’em ups of all time.
Truth be told, I didn’t actually play it in it’s original arcade form all that much, I played through the Super NES version an ungodly number of times.
While the graphics and animations of Knights of the Round may not be up to standard with many of it’s contemporaries, both in the arcade and on home consoles; it’s relatively unique gameplay, setting, and terrific soundtrack continue to sustain it even to this day.
Well, in my eyes anyway.
You see, Knights of the Round was one of those rare games that really made me feel “heroic” when I was playing it.
Sure, all you ever do in the game is walk from left to right and bash people’s brains in with swords and axes, but because of the character designs and music; it felt like so much more to me as a kid.
Seriously man, you try taking down a giant fuck named BALBARS and tell me you didn’t feel awesome for doin’ it.
THAT'S a BIG hammer...
Anyway, the original 1991 arcade release of Knights of the Round was a 3-player arcade game that was, of course; based on Arthurian lore.
As mentioned earlier, I didn’t really play the arcade version all that much; so for the purposes of this article, I’ll largely be referencing the Super NES version from this point onward.
Like many beat ’em ups of the time, there were multiple characters to choose from in Knights of the Round; each with their own individual strengths and weaknesses in the areas of attack power and speed.
"Choose Your Destiny..."
Arthur, whose sprite is curiously puny; is the Leonardo of the group, boasting the most balanced stats of the group.
Lancelot, who looks absolutely nothing like Richard Gere with his shimmering golden hair; is the fastest in both movement and attack speed, however his power is somewhat lacking; making battles risky by forcing one to engage their opponents more frequently to finish them off.
Somebodies lying to me...
Finally, Percival is the green pants-ed Incredible Hulk of the group who wields an axe, and can indeed mess people up most mightily; at the cost of being slow as molasses, as well as having the most pathetic of all jumping attacks in beat ’em up history.
The character roster of Knights of the Round was always a huge selling point for me as a kid.
Greek and Japanese stuff was always my favorite, but thanks to that AMAZINGLY FUCKIN’ AWESOME cartoon; Arthurian stuff always had a place in my periphery.
In that sense, even though Knights of the Round has absolutely nothing to do with the mythology of King Arthur; just having a trio of recognizable characters from the myths present in the game did a lot to draw me into the experience.
Anyway, I think it goes without saying that, whenever I played this game with my friends; there was always a scuffle over who’d get to play as Arthur.
Seriously man, the word “King” is part of his name, he’s arguably the best character in the game, and by the end of the game he gets to wield Ex-FUCKING-Calibur, how could any kid not want to play as Arthur.
In all, I think that’s only bad memory of Knights of the Round.
That, and playing as Percival.
Really? You're wearing THAT into battle?
It didn’t happen that often, by I can recall being tricked into playing as Percival once or twice by some of my weaslier friends.
As indicated by the relatively balanced characteristics of all the playable characters, Percival isn’t intended to be a shitty character; but the sad truth of the matter, is that he is.
Too fuckin’ slow, zero fuckin’ jumping attack, and the proud owner of a He-Man esque bowl-cut; Percival is the fuckin’ Aquaman of Knights of the Round.
Nobody likes him, and if anyone should ever make a claim to the contrary; it’s ’cause they’re trying to be ironic, and thusly must be killed with hipster flames of violence.
This guy likes Percival... I just know it.
Anyway, I should probably get on track, right?
The gameplay of Knights of the Round was much like most Capcom beat ’em ups of the day.
That is to say, there’s 2 buttons, 1 for killing with auto combos, and 1 for jumping like a damn foo’.
If both are pressed at once, the player can sacrifice a bit of health to blow everyone around them ass over teakettle and to the floor.
Like I said, standard stuff.
In addition to this however, were the addition of horse riding, a few special attacks that could be executed with simple directional inputs, (no Hadoukens here) and an incredibly awesome experience and leveling system.
Virtually identical to the Bizarrians of Golden Axe, mounted combat in Knights of the Round was a bit of let down.
Lacking the flash of the elemental powers of the mounts from Golden Axe, horse riding felt slow and somewhat counter-intuitive.
While riding a horse, one’s attack power was boosted, and one could perform a leaping stomp attack by double-tapping forward on the d-pad; however the downside in all this was the fact the horse was actually kind of slow, and required pressing of the jump button in order to turn around.
Really, there was no reason not to hop on a horse whenever the opportunity presented itself, particularly when enemies that could ride horses were around; however I always felt a little more vulnerable on a horse, and would usually defer the luxury to whoever was playing alongside me.
"Yay, I'm on a horse! Now what...?"
The special attacks in Knights of the Round consisted of a damaging stun attack that, while somewhat slow in execution; would knock enemies on their ass, and cause them to stand up in a defenseless “dizzy” state.
Curiously enough, the execution of this attack was done in exactly the same fashion as a horizontal Smash Attack in Super Smash Bros.
If you can do this, you can knock a foo' silly in Knights of the Round.
Another special attack, was a strange launching attack that I never really found a practical use for.
Basically, you do an “Up Smash” motion; and the character will perform an upward stroke, followed by a leaping chop attack.
I think the intent is supposed to that of a “knock ’em up, smack ’em down” kind of thing, however the follow-up attack always ended up causing me to advance to far and get smacked upside my head.
Oh well, it looks cool; but I never use it.
While not an attack, it needs to be mentioned that Knights of the Round actually had a blocking system.
No, not that kind of "block."
Blocking is not exactly a common feature in most beat ’em ups.
Despite it’s unique medieval setting, being able to block was a feature that served to set Knights of the Round apart from many of it’s contemporaries.
There were 2 ways to block in the game.
The most common method of blocking, was by pressing and holding the attack button, while holding the directional button away from the incoming attack.
While this was the most common method by most standards, the other method; and indeed the one that I used most often as a reckless youth, was one that was triggered automatically by pressing back on the directional pad the moment an attack was landed on your character.
In other words, if one’s timing was good enough; (mine never was) the game would give you the benefit of the doubt and allow you to block attacks simply by attempting to run away from them.
Thankfully, the timing required was quite precise; making this a gameplay mechanic that not at all feasible to exploit.
Unlike this shit:
Anyway, despite all the coolness of the swords and medieval skull-bashing; the real reason Knights of the Round was awesome, was the leveling system.
At the time, I can think of no other beat ’em up that, while linear as fuck; had any sort of cumulative upgrade system for it’s characters.
Throughout the game, one’s character gains experience by defeating enemies, collecting gold and jewels, eating food (health power-ups) on a full stomach, and of course; breaking shit.
Upon reaching a predetermined level of experience, one’s character levels up, bringing forth some pretty awesome cosmetic upgrades.
... I want that cape.
Sadly, as far as I can tell; the benefits of a level up are purely cosmetic, with no changes to the gameplay occurring whatsoever.
Despite this, when I was a kid, seeing Arthur go from leather armored pussy to red-caped, golden armored KNIGHT OF JUSTICE, was one of those accomplishments that made me feel really awesome.
Sure, the game was structured to have you max out your levels no matter what.
Sure, the game made no attempt to make you feel like you were getting any stronger.
Even so, none of that bothers me; ’cause the game is awesome regardless.
More importantly though, it’s an awesome game that I have some truly awesome memories of.
I remember playing with my one friend that we’d always call the “Bad King.”
Pictured: The "Bad King."
Basically, this friend of mine would always manage to be quickest on the draw in selecting Arthur.
That alone made him kind of a punk in the eyes of my friends and I.
In addition to that though, said friend would go out of his way to hang back and stay out of harms way, effectively forcing his partner to do all the fighting; yet at the same time he would horde all the gold and food, essentially stealing all of the experience and health.
We always called him the “Bad King,” and indeed; he never made any attempt to play the game more altruistically, but goddamnit; he owned the game so we’d always end up playing with him anyway.
Ping Pong tables and videogames make us a lot of dumb friends when we're kids...
Another thing that I don’t think any article on Knights of the Round can gloss over, is the fact that there’s a fuckin’ GHOST SAMURAI in Knights of the Round.
Similar to Capcom’s own Bishamon from Darkstalkers/Vampire Savior, there was a boss character in Knights of the Round named Muramasa that was essentially an animated suit of samurai armor.
Uh... I wouldn't turn my back on that guy.
In medieval England.
To this day, I don’t take offense to this; however I wish they hadn’t made the fucker so goddamn cheap.
I can’t tell you how many times I got a game over during the fight with Muramasa.
Goddamn fire magic bullshit…
Oh well, payback’s a bitch:
Speaking of goofy bosses, another one worth mentioning from Knights of the Round, was a skinny fuck in black pajamas named Phantom.
Early in the game, you fight Phantom; and he’s really no big deal.
Sure, he can run real fast, throw cleavers at you and fire magic at you, and even make duplicates of himself; but for the most part he’s too weak to be a legitimate threat.
Now, while he really isn’t any harder the second time around, it’s worth noting that this time around he sees fit to bust out his pulley and chain operated GIANT FUCKING ROBOT.
I did mention this game needed to be a movie, right?
Seriously man, no joke; a giant fuckin’ robot!
In medieval England.
As I mentioned earlier, the fight isn’t really all that hard, or even thrilling; but the novelty of fighting a pre-steam age robot was always something that tickled me just right.
Anyway, this post was, as indicated by it’s title; supposed to be about music, so let’s get down to that, shall we?
The Best Track in the Game for Knights of the Round is…
Village on Fire
Why?:
You know how I said Knights of the Round made me feel “heroic” when I was a kid?
Well, this track was largely responsible for that.
I love how it has that medieval minstrel sound to it, while at once being upbeat and action-oriented in nature.
When you think about it, that’s kind of a difficult combo to pull off.
Anyway, I don’t know what else to say; other than that this is brilliant track to begin a game with.
It gets your blood pumping, makes you feel badass, and more importantly; makes you feel like you’re fighting for something.
Runner-Up:
The Knight’s Tournament
Why?:
Well, you did listen to it, right?
Seriously, this is just a really good piece of music.
It sounds like medieval dance club music!
I remember this track only playing for about a minute or so in-game, but even so; it always struck me as, at the very least; the second best piece of music in the game.
Maximum Carnage was a decent beat ’em up in an age when beat ’em ups were a dime a dozen.
Produced by LJN for the Super NES and Genesis, the game followed the storyline of the massive Spider-Mancrossover of the same name, with the player taking on the role Spider-Man (duh), or in some cases; his nastier (and cooler) counterpart, Venom.
Aside from a rather harsh difficulty level, the only really glaring deficiency of the game, was it’s lack of 2-player simultaneous support.
Honestly, LJN product or not; nobody in their right mind should ever think it’s okay to release a beat ’em up without a 2 player function.
Behold, the rainbow of ass.
Despite this (huge) flaw, the game did offer some interesting innovations to the genre in the form of special items that bestow the player with aid from other superheroes, and Spider-Man and Venom’s decidedly spidery movesets.
The “superhero summon” system was a decent idea on paper, however the item pickups that activated the function were extremely rare, and often were only useful to the player in very specific circumstances.
I remember hating to use the “summons” sometimes, ’cause every time you did, it would trigger an annoying second or 2 long clip of the summoned character’s “theme music.”
That might not sound too bad to you, but try summoning Black Cat 5 times in a row, see what happens.
Yeah, pretty fuckin’ annoying, right?
*Ahem!* Moving on, the movesets for the 2 protagonists were pretty well thought out for their time.
In addition to the classic one button punch combos, throws, and 2 button screen clearing attacks; both Spider-Man and Venom had the ability to run, jump, backflip, (useful for finding items, hidden areas, and nothing else) climb walls in the background, block attacks with their webbing, swing from web lines, grab enemies with their webbing/symbiote, and even slam 2 enemies’ heads together ala Batman in the Batman Returnsgame on the Super NES.
While most of these features were elementary for the most part, the addition of the web based moves added a lot to the experience.
In addition to giving the player added flexibility to their approach to various fights, an important factor given how absurdly overpowered some of the bosses could be; the web attacks also served to make good use of the Spider-Man license.
On a side note, while some of the character art… and animations… and backgrounds; are kind of shitty, I’ve always felt that LJN did a pretty decent job with the Spider-Man, and in particular; the Venom sprites.
I said "decent," not "great"....
Not that they managed to do anything else right in the entirety of their game developing existence, but that’s besides the point…
Both are animated fluidly, though Spider-Man looks kind of weird given his oddly dick-shaped head and lack of web pattern on his suit.
I always thought it was cool how both had their own unique animations, with Spider-Man’s being more graceful and Venom’s being more brutish.
One thing that kind of sucked, was the fact that Venom was definitely the more difficult character to use than Spider-Man.
As a kid, I always picked him every chance I got, though his slightly slower attack speed and harder levels made for an experience I rarely made it to the end of.
Pictured: THE reason I rarely beat Maximum Carnage.
While Maximum Carnage was indeed only an average (at best) game, my memories of it run very deep.
I remember reading the comic arc around the same time I played the game, and to this day I feel the harsh atmosphere and violent content of the game do well to live up to the original story.
Nevermind that the comic itself was actually kind of shitty, but bear in mind; I was a young and mostly stupid Azn Badger when I read it, so Venom and a healthy dose of violence were pretty much all I needed to be impressed.
Besides my personal attachment to the source material, another silly little bit of nostalgia worth noting, was the fact that the game cartridge WAS FUCKING RED.
FUCKING. RED.
Remember the stupid fuckin’ gimmick of the golden Legend of Zelda carts?
Remember how many fuckin’ copies that game sold?
Well, my guess is LJN was hoping to cash in on the “colored cart” gimmick; and for all intents and purposes, it worked.
I’m not saying the game sold all that well, (my guess is: it didn’t) but for me and my friends, the promise of a BLOOD/CARNAGE RED cart to shove into our Super NES’ was one that was awful tempting.
Anyway, another little gimmick, and one that I never really found any reason to get excited about, even as a kid; was the fact that LJN recruited the rock band Green Jelly to do some of the music for the game.
Now, I don’t know about you; but the only thing I really remember about Green Jelly, was the fact that they did that retardedly awesome rock version of “The Bear Went Over the Mountain” they used in Dumb and Dumber:
While that was indeed really fuckin’ awesome, please bear in mind that I hadn’t even seen Dumb and Dumber by the time I was playing Maximum Carnage.
Oh yeah, and I was a fuckin’ 7 year old kid that was still listening to a GREEN audio cassette of the Ninja fuckin’ Turtles in place of music.
Anyway, Green Marmalade did the soundtrack for the game, and I’ve gotta’ say; while I don’t really know what their songs are/were like, they did a pretty good job with the score for Maximum Carnage.
The score has an appropriately hard rock sound to it, in that the comic arc itself had a mosh pit sort of vibe to it, with Carnage’s mistress, Shriek; acting as the psychic ringmaster to an ongoing street riot in New York for much of the story.
As such, the soundtrack for Maximum Carnage has a very aggressive and sometimes dark sound to it that lends a sense of legitimacy to some of the more serious moments in the narrative.
Just listen the track they use during the cutscenes, it’s simple, but pretty fuckin’ sinister if you ask me:
Standing out as a highlight in the soundtrack though, is the boss music from Maximum Carnage.
Bearing a highly energetic tempo, the boss theme sounds very much the product of a hard rock band:
Truth be told, I really only like the first half of the track, when the primary (digitized) guitar riffs are front and center; however that isn’t to say the track isn’t great from a technical perspective.
My issue with the second half of the track, is that it comes across as being “too fun” for my tastes.
The first half sounds like the background to a fuckin’ supervillain beat down, while the second half sounds a little bit too colorful for it’s own good.
That’s just me though.
Anyway, this has been another (long overdue) installment of the Best Boss Music, tune in tomorrow!
Yesterday, a friend of mine asked me to register for some sort of web browser based game.
For various reasons, said friend shall be henceforth referred to as Bob Saget.
Beneath that snarky quick-witted exterior, lies an intensely profane, snarky, and quick-witted man...
Their idea, not mine.
Anyway, being as I was tied up eating manly things like steak and crab, while writing about savagely manly things like boxing; I didn’t have a chance to get around to registering for the game.
While I was in fact busy scarfing down crab meat a manly minute or 2 ago, I managed to find time in my manly schedule to dig through my e-mail and register for Bob Saget’s game.
Upon clicking the registration link, I was greeted by a flowery and decidedly Japanese website with a cartoonish doll looking woman with a forehead that could rival J-Gar’s saying to me:
“Tell us your name and where you live.”
Well, actually an exact quote would require the period of that sentence to be replaced by a musical note, denoting the sing-song intonation of the phrase, but you probably knew that already.
For the unitiated:
Frilly Japanese website + fashion victim female mascot character = high-pitched and “cute” voice, even in text form.
Short of “who is your daddy and what does he do?” I can think of few introductory phrases that put me on my heels as much as that did.
Despite the forward nature of the greeting page, (and I thought those silly Japanese were supposed to be polite!) I trust my friend Bob Saget, lecherous old pedophile that he may be.
That being said, I went ahead and registered, giving myself some retarded name I’ve already forgotten, and naming my hometown as Kumamoto, the city my grandpa’s family was from.
Anyway, as it turns out, this “game” I was registering for, was some kind of online, digital paper doll game wherein the players create a female avatar for themselves, (wasp waisted and “cute” regardless of how you choose to alter their appearance) and proceed to dress them up and shop for them.
The name of this game, was Poopie Girl.
Yes, I did in fact Google "Poopie Girl," despite the inherent risks. Of the results, I found this one to be the most fun/random.
My first thoughts upon noticing the title of the game were:
“Poopie Girl? What the fuck kinda’ perverted Japanese shit is this!?”
Okay fine, the game isn’t actually called “Poopie Girl,” it’s actually Poupee Girl.
I’m guessing Poupee* is a French word (Japanese love Parisian fashion, and therefore France) for “cute” or some shit, but regardless; don’t expect me to keep typing out the word “Poupee” for the remainder of this article.
It’s fancy words like “Poupee” that make me think the French think they’re better than me.
Dirty bastards…
*Ahem!* Moving on, Bob Saget told me that in order for them to get the perks for my registration, I would be required to dress up my Poopie Girl at least once.
Being as I already took the time to lie to the Poopie Girl server and pretend I was a female Japanese citizen named “Treebar Heart,” I decided I would go ahead and finish the job.
I started out by making my Poopie Girl, essentially by giving her a face and hair style.
Apparently there’s only one body type in Poopie Land.
Go figure.
After that, I was given the task of dressing up my Poopie Girl.
Being as I’m kind of a slow learner, I ended up completely bypassing most of my character creation options, and instead ended up making my Poopie Girl out only the newest and Poopiest items available.
I decided to go with a very simple look that I’m sure goes against the grain of every fashion law in existence.
Believe me when I say this, fashion is not something I have any sense for, least of all in regards to lady bid’ness.
If it’s any indication, in my world Axel from Streets of Rage is the best dressed man in all of existence.
Blue jeans and white t-shirts: America at it's best.
In example of my fashion fail-ness, here’s an image of one of the Poopier Poopie Girls I ran across on the Poopie Girl site:
Um, a little gaudy don'cha' think?
Anyway, near as I can tell, the game is very much like most browser based games, (time spent playing = forward progression) however with the ingenious inclusion of a deep community system.
Poopie Girl players are apparently expected to rate each other’s Poopies on how Poopie their dress up arrangements are, which in turn rewards players based on their community evaluated Poopie levels.
At least that’s what I assume, anyway.
Near as I can tell, the dress up interface is pretty robust, making for a great number of possibilities.
Being a fan of character customization in my games, I can honestly say that Poopie Girl kind of reminds me of the Smackdown! Vs. RAW series of games.
I bought and played a great number of those games, almost entirely for the purpose of creating absurd and unique characters.
In that sense, if I was into fashion, or browser games for that matter; I could see Poopie Girl being a lot of fun.
Or at the very least, something to do on a boring Sunday evening.
*Poupee actually means “doll.” Fuckin’ French, think they’re better’n me…
In light of yesterday’s Devil May Cry post, I figure it’s appropriate that I take the time to share some of my thoughts on the similar, but also very different game:
Please bear in mind that, as of this post, I’ve only got about 2 and a half hours of gameplay under my belt.
Developed by Sega, and directed by the prolific and uber-talented Hideki Kamiya of the now defunct Clover Studio, as well as the original Devil May Cry fame, Bayonetta is, in a word:
JAPANESE.
Every pixel, frame, word and beat of Bayonetta is absolutely gushing with Japanese zaniness and anime-esque melodrama, such that my first few minutes with the game were almost too much to bear.
The aesthetic is way over-the-top, and the story and characters decidedly tongue-in-cheek, and for the most part, not all that appealing to me from a personal standpoint.
Nope, still not appealing. Goddamn she got a tiny head...
Despite this, I will say this:
The artistic design of the game, while not necessarily up my alley; is actually quite impressive.
The costuming and ornamentation of the character designs, while perhaps a little bit too flashy and intricate for it’s own good, are quite unique and certainly praise worthy.
Huh, this I like. Go figure...
In fact, I could honestly see myself owning a coffee table book of the production materials for Bayonetta at some point.
Anyway, the flashy cut scenes of Bayonetta, (choreographed by the always excellent Yuji Shimomura of Versus and Death Trance fame) annoy me much in the same way that Devil May Cry’s do.
They’re overlong, they often show the characters behaving contrary to how they do in-game, (Anybody at all tired of seeing Dante be invincible in cut scenes, only to be a total pussy in-game? Anybody?) and they feel artificial, like flash for the sake of flash.
Kind of like any movie by:
Pictured: "Flash" incarnate.
I guess the cut scenes just frustrate me because they are actually quite intrusive to the gameplay experience.
Like Devil May Cry, Bayonetta is a game all about action, and when the action is frequently interrupted by cut scenes, showing my character busting out awesome moves that I’d like to see myself do in-game, I get just a little bit frustrated.
Bottom line, 2 hours into Bayonetta, I can’t help but feel that the pacing is not quite up to snuff, as the gameplay seems to come in all too infrequent spurts.
Which brings me to my 2nd, and ultimately far more critical gripe:
Bayonetta’s learning curve is just plain mean.
We're talkin' Kobe Mean Face-Mean!
While the game, like any current gen game, comes with the obligatory introductory tutorial sequence that seems to be essential to the illiterate, non-instruction manual reading gamers of today, outside of teaching you the basic button inputs of the game, Bayonetta doesn’t really teach you how to play the game.
Sure, you can put up a good fight, and sure you know what you’re doing for the most part, but at the end of the day, if you’re playing the game straight through as I am, you’re just not given enough time to get a grip on the gameplay before the game starts tossing you some serious shit to deal with.
"Oh don't mind me, I'm just the first boss. Excuse me while I TOTALLY WRECK YOUR SHIT while eating bagels and lox."
This is coming from someone that utterly beasted half of the Devil May Cry series.
My problem is this:
Bayonetta didn’t give me enough time to warm-up to it.
In the Devil May Cry series, the basic enemies are reactive to your blows, staggering and generally being reduced to punching bags the moment you first lay into them.
This is not the case in Bayonetta.
There is no fodder in Bayonetta.
Nope, none of these.
All of the enemies in Bayonetta are able to put up a decent fight, thusly leaving you with nobody hone your skills on.
Every fight is a desperate struggle.
From what I can tell, my complaint may in fact be a result of me having failed to grasp the concept of the dodge system and the Witch Time AKA Bullet Time mechanic.
I don't care what you tell me man. There IS a spoon, and I'm eating my fuckin' Cheerios with it as we speak. Fuckin' new-age bullshit...
Anyway, at this point, I’m tempted to say I like Devil May Cry 4 better, but I’m only a few hours in, so we’ll see.
I’m still having fun with Bayonetta.
I love the gorgeous presentation and liberal use of the context sensitive button mashing segments.
I’m diggin’ the core gameplay, but at this point I truly do suck at it.
Honestly, I don’t really care much for the Gothic aesthetic of the series, nor do I have any sort of appreciation for the death metal soundtracks and overall overblown nature of the storylines and cutscenes.
So, what exactly is it that I do like about Devil May Cry?
That my friend, would of course be the bombastic, action-heavy gameplay of the series:
Yes, I am in fact aware that he is wearing a nipple-strap. The game STILL kicks ass...
Featuring the highest difficulty level in the series to date, as well as perhaps the best, or at least, most relatable storyline, Dante’s Awakening effectively ruined me from enjoying any of the other games in the franchise.
Let it be known, beginning a game series from it’s highest peak in terms of overall quality, and then working your way down is not the way to enjoy a videogame franchise.
That'd be like going from THIS to THIS.
You see, I really enjoyed my time with Devil May Cry 3 on my PS2.
I played it to death, nearly beating it on the hardest difficulty in the process.
After I finally grew tired of 3 though, I made the mistake of thinking it would be fun to work my way backwards and play through the first game in the series.
I skipped that sack of fail Devil May Cry 2 though, as I’ve heard nothing but bad about that one…
ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
From the moment I picked up the controller to play the original Devil May Cry, it immediately became clear to me that I was playing a vastly different, and far inferior game.
The gameplay was slower and less responsive.
The animations were less dynamic and felt very detached.
The attacks lacked the sense of “oomph” that was the highlight of the experience in the 3rd game.
Not only that, but due to the games’ age, the graphics and textures were somewhat lacking.
Yeah, I'd say there's a difference...
Needless to say, I found little enjoyment in playing the original Devil May Cry post-Dante’s Awakening, so much so that I saw fit to return it to Gamestop after only a few days.
Devil May Cry was a wonderful game for it’s time, serving as the progenitor of a new breed of fast-paced action games shortly after it’s release.
You see what you did Capcom!? You gave that piece of fuck Gackt an excuse to star in his own game!
Despite it’s laundry list of credentials though, being the first of something doesn’t necessarily make it the best, or in this case, anywhere near that level of quality.
After the beating the ever-loving piss and shit out of Devil May Cry 3 in decidedly epic-fashion several years back, I found Devil May Cry 4 to be somewhat tame in terms of difficulty.
In general enemies were easier to stun, and more importantly, easier to corral and manipulate, resulting in the gameplay being much more forgiving, and ultimately flashier than ever before.
Since the release of Devil May Cry 3, Capcom went on to reinvent the Resident Evil series, and indeed; much game design in general, with it’s 4th entry.
In the post-Resident Evil 4 world of gaming, context sensitive button functions were very much en vogue, predictably resulting in Capcom’s own Devil May Cry 4 including several instances of said gameplay elements.
In fact, awesomeness can be visited upon most enemies with a simple touch of the “B” button:
Cheap thrills yes, but thrills nonetheless.
Personally, I couldn’t give 2 shits about the new main character of Devil May Cry 4, a frustratingly emo little butt-pirate named Nero, (voiced by Adam the Black Ranger AKA Johnny Yong Bosch)
Pictured: Nero.
I will say this about him however:
His move-list is fun, inventive, and made all the better by the inclusion of the Devil Bringer in his arsenal.
The Devil Bringer is the chief innovation brought to the table in Devil May Cry 4, and for the most part, it’s worth the price of admission.
Trust me, yanking enemies over to your position for quick and efficient beat downs is a pleasure that far surpasses repeatedly Stinger-ing my way across an arena just to get to an out of reach opponent by leaps and bounds.
But then again, being able to do shit like this is pretty fun too:
While the game is a little bit on the easy side when compared to Devil May Cry 3, I’m willing to concede that that may in fact be a good thing.
Devil May Cry 3 was a beast.
It got off on taking eager young player’s confidence and shitting all over it like a fuckin’ pigeon perched above a Porsche.
... Yup, pretty much the visual I was going for.
4 however, is a prettier and more accessible game that even goes so far as to have a storyline (for those that give a shit) that requires virtually no knowledge of the prior games to understand.
Simply put, Devil May Cry 4 serves as a fine example of how to begin a series anew on a new platform.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it fared better than Resident Evil 5 in the console transition.
While not as good as 3, 4 was an enjoyable entry in a young series that was desperately in need of a #2 best game in it’s lineup, as up until it’s release, none of the other games could be at all regarded as anywhere near the level of quality of Dante’s Awakening.
I understand that I’m being critical of the series, but as I mentioned earlier, Devil May Cry is a series that I want to like.
So far we’ve got 4 games in the series, and I’ve only liked 2 of them.
I don’t like the art.
I don’t like the music.
I hate the storytelling.
All I play them for is the raw experience of playing the game.
In that sense, 1:2 ain’t a bad ratio at all.
KITTY.
Which brings us to the newest Devil May Cry game, one that, to my knowledge; is intended to be a massive diversion from the core series.
Uh, okay. I see what you did there, very nice... I don't get it.
Going by the name DmC, (Ugh…) this new game features a protagonist of a drastically different design aesthetic, as well as a game world that seems a little more urban, and less castle-like than previous entries in the series.
This would all be fine in my book, as I was never that attached to Dante or Nero as series’ protagonists, except for the fact that this new character’s design is just plain HIDEOUS.
Pictured: An ugly-ass, skinny piece of emo punk-fuckery that I honestly have ZERO desire to play as in a game.
At this point, all we have is a trailer to work from in terms of first impressions, however I for one feel my desire to give this game a shot slipping away purely based off of the character design:
That may sound petty of me, but unless DMC gets some truly fuckin’ incredible reviews chances are I’ll probably sit it out in favor of taking a step back and visiting some of other hardcore action game franchises out there, like the Ninja Gaiden series and Bayonetta.
Every now and again I have to ask myself: Why HAVEN'T I played this game yet?
Anyway, this has been a lengthy and intensely muddled post.
Paul Verhoeven’s sci-fi masterpiece, Robocop, has the dual distinction of not only being one of my favorite films of all time, but of also featuring THE Best Overkill in Movies.
Come to think of it, overkill is something that Robocop has a great deal of.
There’s the slightly more obscure, but no less brutal “melt man” overkill:
But standing head and shoulders above it all, putting all of the competition to shame, is the horrendously brutal death of Alex Murphy (Peter Weller):
While many of the other overkills on this list have a sense of excess that could be considered humorous by some, (I.E. me) the death of Alex Murphy is an overkill that has a sense of urgency and dramatic weight that goes a long way towards legitimizing it.
Unflinchingly brutal and perhaps more importantly, graphic; watching Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood Smith) and his gang torture, humiliate and ultimately, dismember Alex Murphy always brings a haunting, and alarming sense of wrongness to my conscience.
I love Robocop, and in particular, I love this scene; but that doesn’t keep me from understanding that this sequence was intended to be regarded as
Without a doubt; the death of Alex Murphy is easily the most greatest, most brutal, excessive, and utterly fucked-up Overkill in Movies.
That being said, what say we do a play-by-play of the carnage?:
The scene begins as Officer Alex Murphy stumbles into an ambush.
Surrounded by 5 armed men, Murphy is forced to give up his arms as Clarence Boddicker beats on him a little to try and get him to spill the beans on the whereabouts of his partner, Ann Lewis (Nancy Allen).
Best Shitty Haircut in Cinema History: Nancy Allen, Robocop (1987)
After whacking Murphy in the leg, and bashing him in the spine with the butt of his shotgun, Clarence finds himself interrupted as his fellow gang member, Joe (Jesse D. Goins), walks into the room declaring Lewis previously deceased by his hand.
Pictured: Joe's only contribution to the movie.
Yeah, Joe’s a dick…
With the threat of any remaining police presence now completely removed, Clarence and his gang lighten up and decide to have some fun with Murphy.
Kicking Murphy onto his back on the floor, Clarence paces about and starts talkin’ shit:
Throughout this sequence, it’s worth noting that Clarence, despite sounding downright chummy at times, consistently keeps his gun trained on Murphy’s head.
Placing one foot on the inside of Murphy’s forearm, Clarence stands up, looks down the barrel of his shotgun, and points it at Murphy’s groin.
While making a faux computerized targeting system tone, akin to the tone of a jet fighter’s missile lock tone, Clarence slowly brings the gun to bear, first on Murphy’s head, and then down to his still pinned right arm.
"Eagle One, Fox-3!"
The first shot of our overkill results in Alex Murphy’s right hand being rendered into chunky red mush.
If you look close, you can actually see the prosthetic hand being yanked out of the scene to simulate it's severing.
Being as Clarence Boddicker is a certified, grade-A DICK, a pun is his natural response to the violence:
Clarence Boddicker: DICK of the Ages
Following this, Clarence steps back for a smoke, leaving Murphy’s fate in the hands of his underlings.
...But first we have to watch Murphy bleed for 10 minutes.
Most likely in shock from having just lost his hand, Murphy lurches to his feet and immediately begins to slowly walk away from his assailants.
Being as Clarence’s gang is made up of coke-heads and Junior DICKS, their first act is to ask Murphy where he’s going, and then yell at him to turn around.
For whatever reason, Murphy does just this:
Like any great heel in wrestling, Clarence’s gang pick a body part and work it until it’s nothing but a bloody stump.
Well, being as these guys are using SHOTGUNS instead of submission moves, said process takes only about, oh, one shot.
Now missing an arm, the very same arm that he was previously missing a hand on, Murphy does just about the only thing he can:
Unfortunately, like bullies teasing a fat kid at the pool, Clarence’s gang are truly relentless, as with that they open fire with, literally, everything they’ve got.
First, they shoot him in his kevlar vest:
Then they shoot him there some more…
Then Lewis (who is not dead) stumbles into the room and watches them shoot Murphy in the vest…
Yup, she just stood there. Did absolutely nothing...
And they finish things off by shooting him enough times in the vest to tear it to ribbons and take some tasty chunks out of his torso to boot:
These have all been direct quotes by the way
Now, on any normal day, Alex Murphy would’ve been dead long before Clarence’s gang ran out of ammo, but this is a Paul Verhoeven film, so we’re not allowed to question the violence.
That being said, Murphy finally falls to his knees just as the gang pumps the last of their shells into his poor vest.
Seriously man, that thing had 2 days til retirement…
*Sniff* Don't worry friend, we'll remember you...
With Murphy left lying in pool of his own bodily fluids, one of Clarence’s gang, Emil (Paul McCrane), takes this opportunity to state the obvious:
"Hi, I'm Emil. I die a horrible death in this film!"
Not only that, but *GASP!* Joe takes this opportunity to be a DICK!
"Hi, I'm Joe. I, along with everyone else in this film, also die a horrible death in this movie."
Despite all the laughter and hijinks of his underlings throughout this scene, to his credit, Clarence finally steps forward and decides to put Alex Murphy out of his misery.
Well, either that or he was done with his cigarette and wanted to go home…
"The Tigers are a playin' a game, TONIGHT! I never miss a game..."
Either way, Clarence promptly walks up to Murphy, and casually puts a bullet through his head to call it a night:
Thusly concludes, the Best Overkill in Movies.
It’s brutal, it’s equally difficult and entertaining to watch, and in my mind, it’s simply the only top choice for this particular Top 10 list.
Anyway, thanks for reading, maybe we’ll do another Top 10 sometime.
With that, I’ve decided to go out on a high note by leaving you with this Robocop Rap:
The Azn Badger post-Ultimo Dinner, and pre-Giga Deuce...
Okay, I lied.
Maybe the Azn Badger didn’t eat EVERYTHING, but even so; he made a worthy effort…
Tonight doubled as both a family gathering, and an evening of copious consumption of eclectic eats.
Let it be known, impromptu family dinners should NEVER, repeat, NEVER, be preceded by a post-work meal, as such actions ultimately result in what is commonly known as a “food coma.”
Pictured: A child experiences his first food coma.
How I am able to type this post while under the nauseous effects of said state of being, the world may never know; but the point is, I ate a shit-ton of shit, and now you’re gonna’ read about it!
Let’s start off with my post-work “OH MY GOD I’M SO HUNGRY I COULD STRAIGHT-UP CUT A BITCH” menu:
Being as I am a simple man of simple tastes, my post-work meal consisted of a bowl of calrose rice, topped with smoked salmon, with a light dousing of mae ploy sauce, a sprinkle of my Dad’s custom BBQ rub, and a fuck-ton of black pepper.
FOOD OF THE GODS.
On the side, I had a freshly cut mango, and a little bit of watermelon.
That was Phase 1.
Phase 2 came when my brother and his girlfriend stopped by, ultimately causing my parents to flip into entertaining/feeding mode.
*ATTENTION, THIS POST IS BROKEN-AS-FUCK ON ACCOUNT OF YOUTUBE SUCKING BALLS. IT WILL BE FIXED ASAP.*
I treasure every moment I was able to spend with God Hand.
Even though the game was control-smashingly difficult, and cursed with a poor camera system and even worse controls; God Hand served as a magnificent throwback to the beat ’em ups of yore.
Blue jeans and thunderbolt wrestling tights: Standard garb in the early 90's.
In fact, it’s one of those games that I honestly would love to see a sequel to, however; due to the dissolution of Clover Studio shortly after it’s release, as well as it’s sub-par review scores, I doubt that will ever happen.
Oh well, one can only hope that Capcom will resurrect it someday…
BRING THEM BACK YOU MONEY GRUBBING GRABOID-FUCKERS!
Anyway, God Hand is, as I mentioned previously; a non-traditional beat ’em up for the PS2.
I say “non-traditional” because the game made use of an over-the-shoulder camera system akin to Capcom’s own Resident Evil 4 from a year or 2 before, a feature that is scarcely seen in traditional beat ’em ups.
While most attempts at 3D, polygonal beat ’em ups turned out to be utter failures, (Gekido and Dynamite Cop some of the few exceptions) God Hand manages to succeed for the most part.
Fighting Force on the other hand, was not so lucky...
The main appeal of the game lay in it’s clever use of context sensitive button functions and utterly ridiculous (and unapologetically Japanese) dialogue and character designs.
Seriously, this game is balls out INSANE from end to end, but in the best possible way.
Can you think of any other games that feature giant Mexicans named Elvis, gorillas in Lucha Libre garb, and a fighting force of formidable midget Power Rangers?
Hah, thought I was kiddin' yah', didn'cha'?
Oh yeah, and don’t forget the spanking.
Yeah, I can’t think of any other games like that either.
While I won’t attempt to explain the details of the storyline of God Hand, I will offer you this simple summary:
The player character, Gene; loses an arm to some demons one day, only to wake up in a hotel room with a hottie named Olivia, and his arm restored in the form of the legendary, and outrageously powerful God Hand.
Yeah, this isn't a product of Japan. Not at all...
From that point on, the pair set out into the world to battle the demons and their generals, the 4 Devas; in an attempt to prevent the resurrection of the demon lord, Angra.
Angra, in the flesh.
Much Japanese kitsch and comic violence ensues, and eventually the whole thing comes to a head as the hero is forced to battle Angra while making use of both of the God Hands.
My God! He's gone Super Saiyan 2!
All that nonsense aside, a major part of God Hand that really made it fun for me, was of course it’s battle system.
The game made use of all 4 of the PS2’s face buttons for various attacks, however every single button could have it’s functioned assigned by the player to their liking.
Throughout the game, the player could acquire various fighting moves, with variable damage and speed statistics, eventually resulting in the player gaining a vast arsenal of unique and drastically different maneuvers they could implement depending on the situation.
Best of all, like most beat ’em ups, mashing the square button 5 times would result in an “auto combo,” however; thanks to the games’ robust customization system, each individual strike in this combo could be arranged to the players preference.
In addition to this, the game also featured a robust dodging system using the right analog stick, which allowed the player to juke, duck and sway to avoid attacks, as well as do evasive handsprings.
I know it's dumb, but this pic from the Dustin Hoffman/Robert Redford movie All The President's Men, just happened to be the first image I got when Googling "evasive handspring."
Aside from the basic attacks, the player was also afforded the powers of the God Hand of the game’s title.
Basically, the God Hand is, quite literally, one of the hands of God, of which there are 2, the other of which is of course possessed by a boss you end up fighting later in the game.
The God Hand had 2 functions in the game:
To provide the player limited bursts of super-powered invincibility, and to activate the games’ roulette wheel mechanic.
While the invincibility is self-explanatory, the roulette wheel was a interesting, if somewhat awkward element that succeeded in the keeping the player on their toes, even while executing some of the games’ most powerful attacks.
Basically, the roulette wheel was a customized set of a handful of super attacks and mauveurs that the player would have to quickly sort through during a brief period of slow motion.
Pictured: The Roulette Wheel.
Upon making their selection, the player character, Gene; would carry out the selected maneuver, usually resulting in mass pwnage.
It’s interesting to note that 2 selections on the roulette wheel were a constant:
One that would cause Gene to kowtow before his opponent in shame, and one that would cause a pan to fall from the sky and onto his head.
The first of these would cause the player’s style meter to lower, (a feature that served to increase the player’s after level ranking, as well as adjust the game’s difficulty level in-game) while the second served as a minor health penalty, as well as a exploitable glitch that allowed the player to avoid enemy attacks for a moment.
Yeah, I played God Hand A LOT.
Anyway, enough bullshitting, let’s get down to the Best Boss music selection from God Hand:
The title of this is track is, of course; a clever play on the title of Capcom’s own Devil May Cry.
Devil May Sly plays during the player’s first battle with the owner of the other God Hand, a man named Azel.
While the energy level of the music may seem a little excessive to some, I assure you, the battle that it accompanies is most certainly worthy of such energy.
While this is a poor example of the gameplay, as the player is far too good to make the game seem fun, take a look at this clip:
The fun part of the battle with Azel, is that the programmers were able to effectively endow him with the same abilities and attacks of the player, while making the battle play out very smoothly.
Essentially, what I mean to say is that, while there are of course Resident Evil 4-like context sensitive button mashing sessions during the fight, one still feels like they are indeed playing the game as opposed to an interactive cutscene or minigame.
The first time I beat Azel (I did in fact lose once or twice) was a helluva’ a good time.
I feel it’s also worth mentioning that Azel’s second appearance in the game, also deserves some kudos.
This battle happened to be a little more frustrating, and less rewarding than the first, but I really liked the music so I figured I’d throw it up here for yah’.
In keeping with the more serious tone of the battle, the music is appropriately darker and heavier.
While I really like Duel Storm, I feel that Devil May Sly is, musically; just a little bit more enjoyable.
With that, I leave you with this delightful, and not at all strange TV spot for God Hand:
If you need any indication of how deep my love for Mega Man runs, bear in mind that one of the first posts on this blog was about Mega Man X.
I’ll just wait here while you look that up…
While I don’t think I’m ready to do a protracted mega-post on the subject of the Blue Bomber, much like the one I did on Ultraman, I think it’s about time I made an attempt to scratch the surface a little.
That being said, today I’m kicking off a new post topic, specifically one that deals with the colorful roster of bosses in the Mega Man universe.
Basically, I’m gonna’ run through each of the Mega Man games in the linear series, (fuck that Gameboy and Genesis bullshit. Wily Wars my ass…) naming the one boss, or MAN, that stands out as the coolest, most bad-ass, or otherwise, most interesting.
I call this new post topic, The Best MAN!
Pictured: The wedding of the Azn Badger.
With that, let’s get this party started with Mega Man 1.
Now that is some shitty cover art.
To be honest, Mega Man 1 isn’t really my favorite game in the series.
True, it was the first in the series.
True, it was an impressive technical feat for the time.
Unfortunately, as the first game in the series, it lacks some of the polish of later games in the series.
Kind of like this pile. Well, the NES version anyway.
It’s interesting to note that I never got a chance to play Mega Man 1 until much later in life.
My childhood was spent renting and playing Mega Man 2 and 3, and to be honest, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Well, maybe I'd change a FEW things...
In the original Mega Man, there were only 6 bosses instead of the now traditional 8, a hokey score keeping system that never made it past the first game, and in general, the game just needed a little bit more of a push to be considered a true classic in my book.
Honestly, if you look up “greatest leap in quality from one game to the next,” most likely you’ll find a picture of Mega Man 2.
Anyway, that’s enough shitting on Mega Man 1, let’s get down to who’s The Best MAN!
For my money, The Best MAN of the original Mega Man would have to be Cut Man.
CUUUUUTTTTTTTTT MAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!
Cut Man’s design has a lot of character to it.
His color scheme is simple but iconic.
His head has a strange and distinctive shape and form to it, looking almost like a marionette or something.
Oh yeah, did I mention he’s got fuckin’ scissors comin’ out of his head?
On top of that, his level is very well designed for the time, with the background music being one of the best pieces of music in the game.
True he was a complete pussy by the time you actually got around to fighting him, but even so, the character has a very long and distinguished legacy.
Man, he really was in EVERYTHING in the 90’s…
While I didn’t really watch the cartoon all that much, (fuckin’ goddamn Phantom 2040 kept popping up in it’s early-ass time slot whenever I’d try to tape it) I have to admit that seeing Cut Man, alive and well, in every episode, served to add bias to my positive opinion of him.
Pretty sure I still have this toy somewhere around the house...
Besides the cartoon though, Cut Man also made appearances in wide variety of other Mega Man spin-offs.
I loved cutting the goalie in half with his super-shot in Mega Man Soccer.
While you’d fight him, he’d jump around, throw blades at you, and then jump into the background and cut holes in the scenery to teleport around.
Most notable about his appearance in the arcade games, was that they gave him a voice in it.
Like Mega Man, he had a female voice actor, but unlike his voice in the cartoon, that had him sounding sort of like a cross between Frankenstein’sIgor and Ren Höek from Ren and Stimpy, it fit surprisingly well.
Pictured: Boo Berry, Igor, and Cut Man, all rolled into one.
Cut Man’s character is slight of stature, and, when animated and rendered properly as he was in arcade games, very “cute.”
I feel silly admitting it, but whenever I’d hear Cut Man start chopping up the scenery while yelling out “Choki! Choki! Choki!,” I couldn’t help but smile a little.
Tee Hee.
“Choki,” by the way, is the Japanese onomatopoeia for “Slice” or “Cut.”
Anyway, Cut Man is The Best MAN of Mega Man 1.
If you don’t agree, tough shit.
Just don’t try tellin’ me that Ice Man or Elec Man deserves the title, ’cause everybody knows those 2 are wimpy-ass pieces of fuck with shitty background music…
Azn Badger's Blog 