Pictured: A year old photo of The Azn Badger. I'm lazy, so sue me...
Well, the inevitable finally happened.
As readers of this blog might recall, I dabbled in Magic the Gathering at one point in my life.
Said point took place well after the Ninja Turtles started to suck, and just before Pokemon and Dragon Ball Z would cause Japanese language class attendances and White guy/Azn girlfriend biracial relationships to spike 10 fold.
Whatever man, you know it’s true.
Anyway, as mentioned in previous articles, the bulk of my Magic card pile (I can’t call something I don’t care about a “collection”…) is made of old crap inherited from my older brother and his friends.
Like me, my brother dabbled in Magic cards, though unlike me, he saw fit to dump his inventory the moment he lost interest.
Me being me, I held onto the shit, not because I wanted it, but mostly because I was too lazy to find a proper way to dispose of it.
That being said, one of my friends recently began prodding at me to bust out my old cards and throw down with him.
Given that I honestly haven’t had much to do outside of look for a job and write this goddamn blog, I decided to accommodate him.
Thus began my weekly habit of sitting down to extraordinarily casual games of Magic with my buddy.
By “extraordinarily casual” I mean I play with my outdated, ghetto-ass cards, and basically served up to my buddy as a thoroughly outclassed sparring partner for his future tournament matches.
If ever there was a jobber of the Magic the Gathering universe, it’d have to be me.
Indeed, I am the Brooklyn Brawler of Magic.
While I lose probably 80% of the time, one thing that I’ve gotten out of the experience, besides y’know, fun, is the fact that playing with weak-ass cards has taught me a lot about polishing diamonds out of shit-bricks.
That is to say, I’ve learned to look for, and find value in cards that aren’t inherently valuable.
With this fact tucked away in my mind, last week I bit my lip and decided to tag along with my buddy, and join a Draft tournament.
In case you don’t know already, a Draft in Magic is essentially what it sounds like.
Basically, you buy some booster packs, you take 1 card of your choosing from each pack, and then swap the remainder of the contents of said pack with the person to your left.
From there, everyone takes 1 card from the pile given to them, and then continues to pass the remainder on.
The process continues until every card has been exhausted.
Given the random nature of booster packs, you can probably see now why I (grudgingly) decided to join in on a Draft.
Truth be told, it wasn’t an easy decision for me, as the Magic community isn’t exactly what I’d call “my crowd,” nor is the game really my favorite thing in the world; but sometimes you’ve gotta’ do stupid shit to have fun with your friends… Even if sometimes I just wanna’ scream at the top of my lungs:
That being said, from what I can tell I actually drafted some pretty good stuff, (it’s an Innistrad draft) including my very first Mythic Rare, and at the end of the day I decided to put together a green and red deck.
I don’t know any of the fancy terminology used to describe strategic stances or functions in Magic, but by my reckoning the deck I made turned out pretty badass!
I don’t know if “badass” is the right word, but for what it’s worth, as you may have gathered from the title of this post, I actually managed to defeat my friend in my first match!
I beat him pretty solid both times I won, however I well and truly fucked up during the second round, resulting in one of the face palm-ier moments in my Magic career.
The point is though, I’m a winner today, and it feels good to know that.
By the way, here’s my deck in case you’re curious about what’s in it:
Mountain x 8
Forest x 9
Ashmouth Hound x 2
Kessig Wolf x 1
Feral Ridgewolf x 1
Hanweir Watchkeep x 1
Stromkirk Noble x 1
Darkthicket Wolf x 1
Orchard Spirit x 1
Villagers of Estwald x 1
Grizzled Outcasts x 1
Woodland Sleuth x 1
Ambush Viper x 1
Essence of the Wild x 1
Curse of the Pierced Heart x 1
Traitorous Blood x 1
Brimstone Volley x 1
Furor of the Bitten x 1
Prey Upon x 1
Ranger’s Guile x 1
Moonmist x 1
Spidery Grasp x 1
Spider Spawning x 1
Blazing Torch x 1
I apologize if the massive block of bold text above went entirely over you’re head.
Please understand, winning is not something I experience with much frequency, so just try and play along for tonight.
Obviously, I didn’t make the Magic card you see above.
I had an EXTREMELY full day today, so I neither have the time nor desire to pound out a formal post today.
That being said, I picked up one of these Giant Badger cards from my local comic shop (where I also purchased the remaining 2 volumes of Annihilation) at the more than reasonable price of 5 cents.
I got a few other cards as well, mostly annoying (and not at all legal in tournament play) shit like a couple of Creature Bonds and Psychic Venoms; all of which also cost 5 cents each.
What can I say, I have weakness for old Magic cards that my brother used to play with way back during 5th Edition.
Anyway, it’s not quite an Azn Badger card, but when it comes to Magic; this is probably as close as it gets.
*The cards featured in the above image are Black Lotuses, one of the most overpowered (and expensive) cards.*
This card came about as a result of a series of atypically tooth and nail Magic games I had with a friend today.
Let’s get one thing straight, my interest in Magic is about as casual as it gets.
Most of my decks are crafted from illegal 5th edition cards I inherited from my brother, and while I’ve been known to by a booster or 2 now and again; I’ve probably spent about $20 in total on Magic cards over the past 10 years.
That being said, my friends take things a little more seriously, playing with Standard decks that routinely kill within the first few turns.
In other words, I don’t really have the means to be competitive among my circle of friends.
Despite this, today I managed to hold my own pretty well, winning a few games mostly on account of poor draws on my opponent’s side.
Some of the matches were genuinely frustrating though, largely because the nature of my friend’s decks led to a lot of situations where I’d be winning for a long stretch, only to get utterly flattened by the emergence of a single, overpowered card.
This happened so frequently, that my friend and I started joking around whenever someone would ominously tap a lot of mana.
Basically, the joke would go something like this:
“I tap 5 and summon…”
“Some bullshit.”
Jokey stuff like this served to keep us off each other’s throat for most of the evening.
That being said, I figured I would make a custom card in honor of the frustration we both endured this evening.
Thanks for playin’ buddy, hopefully the day won’t come that they actually make a “Some Bullshit” card.
Man, it’s been awhile since I’ve made a Magic card!
This one took a lot longer than it probably looks, mostly because I went to great lengths to actually make it as opposed to just snagging something off Google Images and slapping a filter on it.
If you want an example of how easy this card could’ve been to make, here’s an image that probably could’ve done the job just fine that I found in about 5 seconds of searching:
Pictured: The easy route.
Anyway, the card above is of course an homage to the famed cardboard box device from the Metal Gear series.
In all honesty, though I’ve played through every entry in the Metal Gear Solid series multiple times; I’ve rarely found a use for the cardboard box in any of them.
I know they’re useful for quickly jumping around the map via trucks and conveyors, but outside of punching Meryl to make the wolf pup pee on my box; I never really made use of them.
What? Â You didn’t know about the wolf piss?
*ANYWAY* much like the old N64Turok games, it’s hard to deny that Metal Gear games are big on loading you up with cool gadgets and abilities; only to end up giving you very little reason to use them.
Turok gave you awesome guns, but nothing to shoot at.
Metal Gear gave you an amazing range of abilities, but no real practical reason to employ them outside of for shits and giggles.
As fun as that looked in the trailers, for the life of me I never found a reason to do a barrel roll in Metal Gear Solid 4.
Anyway, thanks for stopping by, let me know if the text on the card needs to be changed or anything.
It’s been awhile since I’ve made a custom Magic card, so please excuse the crudeness of my work.
Anyway, this one is of course a reference to Mike Judge’s too-clever-for-it’s-own-good comedy film, Idiocracy.
In case you forgot, Brawndo was the Gatorade like sports drink that served as the Idiocracy replacement for water.
Upon it’s creation, Brawndo was dubbed superior to water due to the fact that “it has electrolytes.”
Because of this, Brawndo would go on to be used as a complete substitute for water in all of it’s functions, even as sprinkler water to farming; which of course would result in the accidental salting of virtually all arable land in the world of Idiocracy.
Anyway, thinking of Brawndo always put a smile on my face, so I figured I’d make a Magic card of it to pay homage.
More importantly, do you remember that stupid-ass play the heroes ran to win the game?
It’s funny, I’ve seen Starship Troopers about a billion fuckin’ times now; but up until about 20 minutes ago, I always heard the name of that play as “Flip Sticksssssreeee Hole.”
"HOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!"
In case you couldn’t tell from the phonetic clusterfuck pictured/mentioned above, Dina Meyer slurred her line pretty epicly, and my dumb brain decided to take what it heard and just sort of run with it.
Anyway, “Flip Sticksssssreeee Hole” came up recently in a conversation between my buddy Mencius and I, which of course led to much hilarity and me deciding that I needed to make a Magic card of it.
In ripping screen captures from my DVD of Starship Troopers though, the thought occurred to me that-
“Holy shit! Â I can’t call the card Flip Stickssssreeee Hole, that’d be fuckin’ stupid! Â Better turn on the subtitles…”
Well, I went ahead and did that, and lo’ and behold they turned my whole world upside down:
FLIP.
SIX.
THREE.
HOLE.
I saw Starship Troopers in the theater as a decidedly underage 11 year old.
That was back in fuckin’ 1997.
That means I’ve spent 14 years laughing about a stupid line in a movie without even knowing half the fuckin’ words in it.
Aside from that though, I found it to be a surprisingly clever action movie, and a good popcorn movie in general.
Make no mistake, Demolition Man is hardly a great movie; but it’s a good time nonetheless.
Anyway, of the many inside jokes that Demolition Man has spawned over the years; I’m pretty sure the one that we all remember best is the 3 seashells.
For those that may have forgotten this little gem of early 90’s comedy, I present to you the following clip:
In case you didn’t get it, the 3 seashells are the future equivalent to toilet paper.
Just the other day, a friend of mine asked me how I thought the 3 seashells would function in regards to their intended anus cleaning procedure.
Being as the breadth of my understanding of my bowels consists primarily of knowing what and what not to eat to alleviate/evacuate my anus cavity; I found I had no answer to this question.
Everything I know of toilet seat warfare comes from fighting the fires down below, clean-up is something I leave to the right hand and rolls of the mighty white sheets.
Anyway, my friend later told me that someone took an actual account given by Sylvester Stallone and the writer of Demolition Man regarding the proper procedure of using the 3 seashells, and created a visual diagram to go along with their description.
After a few minutes of internet-ing, I found said diagram at I-Mockery:
Anyway, hopefully this little stroll down early-90’s-action-movie memory lane was fun for you; if not enlightening.
Anyone who’s been following this blog with any degree of regularity since it’s inception is probably aware of my thoughts on the 2006 remake of The Wicker Man.
A truly horrible film, the only plus that comes from viewing The Wicker Man, is the awkward and very likely unintentional episodes of hilarity that pop up from time to time throughout the movie.
Make no mistake, the movie is awful, and indeed hard to watch at times; but watching Nic Cage punch women… while wearing a bear suit, is one of those rare spectacles that is very much worth the slog through it’s (thankfully) brief running time.
Well, it’s worth sitting through once anyway, hopefully in the company of like-minded friends.
Any more than that is likely to cause permanent brain damage, or at the very least; utterly destroy one’s ability to comprehend competently arranged films.
Consider the Magic card above a tribute to the epic pile of fuck-sauce that is The Wicker Man.
Anyway, I’ve posted it numerous times before, but below you’ll find a highlight reel of all the “good” parts of The Wicker Man:
I guess this marks the second instance that a legendary fighter pilot has been granted the honor of being given their very own Magic card on this blog.
Well, that is if you consider Jek Porkins to be “legendary.”
I suppose he’s legendarily obese and full of FAIL, but other than that…
Okay fine, today marks the first occasion that a legendary fighter pilot has been granted the honor of being given their very own Magic card on this blog; said pilot of course being Russell Casse.
To the sad individuals that are totally in the dark as to who Russell Casse is, I present to you the following clip:
That’s right, Russell was the drunk and loserly Vietnam vet who courageously saved the fate of the planet (well, Area 51 anyway) at the conclusion of Independence Day.
Claiming to have been previously abducted by the alien invaders, Russell launched his selfless kamikaze attack with the intent of paying them back, not just for blowing up every major city in the world; but for the horrible experiments they performed on him during the time he was in their custody.
Curiously enough, while Russell abduction claims were never confirmed to be true during the running time of the film, I think I remember reading a promotional comic book for Independence Day that actually elaborated on his past dealings with the aliens, revealing that he had in fact been telling the truth despite his perpetually oafish and drunken demeanor.
This could be crazy talk on my part, or worse yet; the result of bad rumors passed around the schoolyard while the movie was still playing in theaters, but I’m about 80% sure I’m not bullshitting you.
Anyway, consider the above card a tribute to Randy Quaid’s awesome and wholly memorable performance in Independence Day.
For what it’s worth, know that I belong to that “special” group of people that actually like Independence Day, not just as a novelty; but as a genuinely fun movie.
Alrighty folks, today we’re kicking off a new post series I’d like to call Villain Showdown.
In this series of posts we will be taking 2 classic villains of cinema history and pit them against one another across a great number of criteria, ranging from an examination of the devilish deeds that made them the historic villains they are today, to answering the all important question of “who would win in a fight?”
Anyway, enough with the mission statement crap, let’s get on with the first match-up; a contest of the beastly “silent giants” of 80’s fighting cinema, Ivan Drago vs. Chong Li!
Introductions:
Played by Dolph Lundgren, and perhaps the most formidable opponent Rocky Balboa ever fought in his lengthy career, communist Russian boxer Ivan Drago stand today as perhaps the prototypical “silent giant” of 80’s fighting cinema.
Not to be confused with the popular "big ugly dude" trope of action cinema.
A man of few words, Drago’s immense stature, Herculean form, Olympic class boxing skills, and death dealing fists nevertheless secured his place in the annals of film history.
Hailing from South Korea and practicing an unknown martial art, Chong Li owned the Kumite tournament for years until meeting defeat at hands of Frank Dux in the events of Bloodsport in 1988.
Malicious and without mercy, Bolo Yeung’s Chong Li dispensed of the lower-tier competition in the tournament with extreme prejudice, often going out his way to seriously injure and maim, or in one instance; kill his opponents.
Equally as silent as Ivan Drago, Chong Li’s formidable fighting skills, broad and muscular physique, cruel nature, and willingness to bend the rules of the Kumite to his advantage, make him one of the more memorable villains of martial arts cinema.
Criteria #1: Beastly Evil-Doings:
Ivan Drago
Punched Apollo Creed’s brain out his ass inside of 2 rounds, insulted America’s honor by demanding that Rocky fight him in the USSR, cheated by shootin’ the ‘roids, wore a hideous white leotard, stole Rocky’s wife, (not Adrian. Brigitte Nielsen) was Russian and therefore evil in every capacity known to man.
Chong Li
Utterly BEASTED on the lower-tier fighters, put his heel through Ogre from Revenge of the Nerd’s brain box, stole Ogre’s headband, killed a random and grossly out-sized Chinese man, cheated by throwing poison powder in Van Damme’s eyes, cheated by using the referee as a human shield, was Korean and therefore smelled of kimchi and was evil in every capacity known to man, particularly in matters pertaining to games of StarCraft.
Winner: Ivan Drago
Drago killed Apollo.
Really, that’s the only thing that matters in this particular argument.
While one could argue that Chong Li was definitely more evil by nature, as evidenced by the joyful expressions seen on his face whenever he was wrecking people’s shit; the simple fact remains that Drago killed an AMERICAN FUCKING HERO that was very likely 2 days from retirement.
Chong Li tried his damndest to live up to the villainous blueprint laid down by Drago in Rocky IV, however the thickness of Ogre’s skull prevented what otherwise would’ve been a meaningful death in the history of action cinema.
Sorry random Chinese guy, but your neck just isn’t worth the same as Carl Weathers’ mini-fro…
"Damn straight!"
Criteria #2: Tools Of The Trade
Ivan Drago
An Olympic class amateur boxer who fought his first professional bout against Apollo Creed, Drago was the finest heavyweight boxer in the USSR.
Bearing an emotionless persona an trained in a private, scientifically guided training facility, Drago’s physical conditioning and boxing skills were trained to perfection using state-of-the-art training methodologies.
At no less than 6 feet 4 inches in height, and bearing a punch of over 2,000 psi; Drago’s boxing proved sufficient to end the life of former heavyweight champion Apollo Creed inside of 6 minutes.
Despite knocking him down no less than 7 times during his contest with Rocky Balboa, Drago was put to the mat for a 10 count in the 15th and final round, thusly putting an end to his known professional boxing record.
Chong Li
A martial artist from South Korea, Chong Li dominated the Kumite for several years preceding the events of Bloodsport.
Using an unknown fighting system that made extensive use of his superior size and strength, Chong Li was nevertheless a superb and wholly complete fighter.
Chong Li was known to hold numerous records in the Kumite, not the least of which being the record for the the fastest KO in the tournament history, a record that would ultimately be broken by Frank Dux within the same 1988 tournament.
Quite literally, deadly; with fist and foot, Chong Li was known to have killed a competitor in the previous Kumite, going on to do the same to semi-finalist Chuan Ip Mung in the 1988 tournament.
That's right, I know my shit...
Despite this, Li was largely outmatched by Frank Dux in the early goings of their bout, only really gaining an edge when he intentionally blinded him with poison powder.
Overconfident in the handling of his blind opponent, Chong Li was ultimately felled by a series of aerial spin kicks to the face.
Never losing consciousness despite the incredible number of blows landed on him during the course of the fight, Chong Li ultimately submitted at the hands of Frank Dux.
Winner: Ivan Drago
While both men are definitely uber-beasts from a purely physical standpoint, the fact remains that Drago is an uber-beast that could kill you dead while wearing 8-ounce gloves.
Chong Li was by all means a killer by nature, however the one kill of his we were fortunate to bear witness to involved him taking advantage of a near helpless opponent.
Drago’s killing of Apollo Creed, however savage, and indeed, necessary to the plot of the film; was by all intents and purposes incidental to his freakish strength.
Though one could argue that Rocky was equally responsible…
In any case, it should be said that these guys were both pretty close in this particular criteria.
Both displayed incredible tenacity and durability by taking a huge amount of punishment during their respective bouts, however the real tie-breaker proved to be Drago’s endurance over the course of 15 rounds.
Given that Drago cried like a little bitch before going down though, one could argue that Chong Li was indeed the tougher individual, however in my book, 5 minutes with the Van-Damme-inator doesn’t really compare to 45 with Sly Stallone, even if Van Damme’s got his eyes bugged out and is seconds away from snapping your neck…
Criteria #3: FAILURES
Ivan Drago
Foolishly discarded EVERY CONCEIVABLE ADVANTAGE available to him by choosing to slug it out in close quarters with Balboa throughout most of the fight, in particular the 15th and final round.
Cried pathetic anti-man tears moments before succumbing to the ferocious man-fury of Rocky’s fists.
Was Russian…
Chong Li
Let hubris get in the way of his victory over Frank Dux by allowing him to recover during a pivotal moment in the fight.
Was Korean…
Winner: Chong Li
Just to be clear, “winning” this particular criteria refers to one failing less than their opponent, meaning “winning” in this case, is actually a good thing.
Chong Li won this one hands down.
Despite his monstrous appearance, Chong Li proved himself to be a clever fighter with surprisingly very little FAIL present in his character.
Really, the only fuck-up he every really made in the entirety of Bloodsport was in giving Van Damme 3 fucking minutes to meditate on/flashback to his past training, thereby allowing him to win the fight.
Drago, as evidenced by his far larger FAIL section, made more than a few mistakes in his bout with Rocky Balboa.
Displaying overconfidence by fighting Balboa’s fight, and weakness by eliciting distinctly un-manly, Russian Woman Tears on his way down to the canvas, Drago’s strength of character was somewhat questionable.
Who Would Win In A Fight?:
This one’s kind of a toughy.
As evidenced by his winning ways in most of the criteria listed above, Drago is one helluva’ beast, however Li is no slouch and arguably bears the stronger character between the 2 fighters.
Assuming that their contest would be a full contact affair, I could see Drago pressing an early advantage with his power and ranginess; however unless he flattened The Chong outright, I don’t think this phase of the fight would last very long.
As mentioned earlier, Drago displayed a willingness to wade into deep water with his opponents, fighting by their terms; and if this were to be the case with Chong Li, I could see things turning very ugly for Drago should he choose to trade blows with him.
Chong Li’s very complete repertoire of attacks would likely afford him a number of options in handling Drago, not the least of which being vicious kicks and joint locks to the extremities.
Despite the huge disparity in the breadth of the 2 fighters move sets, entirely a result of Drago’s conventional boxing training; the real crux in the matter of comparing the 2 lies in Chong Li’s unerring tenacity.
The Chong took one helluva’ beating from Van Damme, and never once seemed to slow or weaken during the course of the fight.
Perhaps more importantly though, he displayed a great deal of confidence and pluck when knocked to the mat by Ogre, a fighter who was very likely the stronger man in that particular contest.
Drago on the other hand, was pensive in the first few minutes of his fight with Apollo, and later showed weakness of character in his bout with Rocky Balboa, both fighters who were known to be physically inferior to him.
This disparity in maturity and strength of character, combined with the fact that I’d be willing to bet The Chong would go out of his way to fight dirty; seems to indicate that he would be able “figure out” Drago at some point in the proceedings.
Besides, Drago cried like a bitch…
Winner: Chong Li, On Account Of Experience And Toughness
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