He was recently in Kung Fu Panda 2, The Eagle Path; which he directed, is coming out this October, he’s got anotherUniversal Soldier movie in the works, (supposedly co-starring Dolph Lundgren, Scott Adkins and Michael Jai White) and let’s not forget that he recently starred in perhaps the MANLIEST, and most thought provoking beer commercials of all time:
Aside from all of that however, The Van Daminator also happens to have another movie with Scott Adkins in the works called Assassination Games.
Lame title, but pretty much every other vaguely action-like word has likely already been used in conjunction with the title “Assassination” at this point.
Anyway, as seems to be the case with every Scott Adkins movie, I’m excited, but ultimately know the movie is going to suck.
As talented as the man is at hitting people, his filmography speaks for itself.
And no, The Bourne Ultimatum doesn’t count, as all he did in that was hold a gun and look constipated.
Regardless, I’ll likely pick up a copy of it just to see the (numerous) scenes in which people get kicked in the head.
The other movie that Van Damme’s got on the docket as of now, is a Russian comedy by the name of “Napoleon Kaput,” or at least whatever the Russian equivalent to those 2 words happens to be.
Truth be told, the trailer gives me the impression that The Muscles from Brussels only has a cameo in the movie, but regardless; it looks kind of a fun in a brainless sort of way.
It does put a smile on my face to see IMDB list him as playing “himself” though.
While many have bashed The Expendables as being little more than a sub-par action film populated with a Towering Inferno style cast of notables, I actually kind of enjoyed it.
Sure, it was hardly one of the best films any of the actors had been in, and yeah the action was not quite as awesome as most of us were expecting; (digital squibs = sad panda) but at the end of the day I found it to be a big dumb action movie that succeeded in being just that: a big dumb action movie.
Pictured: A movie that FAILED at being big and dumb.
Despite how crummy the movie may have been in some areas, it gave us Dolph Lundgren vs. Jet Li, and Stallone vs. Stone Cold.
Any movie that does that, no matter how utterly average the fights within which may actually have been, deserves at least some credit, if only for the sake of film history.
ANYWAY, based on what I can recall, Van Damme’s role in The Expendables was likely to have been either that of Randy Couture’s character, or that of Gary Daniel’s villain role.
I’ve read rumors that suggest Van Damme’s ego got in the way,in the form of making him reject the Gary Daniel’s role due to the fact that his character would lose a fight on-screen, most likely to Jet Li.
At the same time, I’ve also heard rumors that the Muscles From Brussels turned down the roles offered to him due to him being in the process of trying to “legitimize” his acting career based on the success of movies like JCVD.
In either case, and for better or worse, Van-Damme didn’t appear in The Expendables, and I for one was kind of disappointed.
As decent a guy as Randy Couture is, the man simply cannot act; and in that sense I would’ve loved to have seen Van-Damme stand in for him.
Do I really need an excuse to use this pic?
Similarly, as fuckin’ awesome and hilarious as Terry Crews can be, he was criminally under-utilized in The Expendables; and came across as the big black dude that was there just to be a big black dude.
Regardless, next time around they need to let the big black guy be more than just scenery with a gun.
‘Cause y’know, racism and n’shit.
Anyway, it makes me happy to know Van-Damme is gonna’ be in the sequel, which for the love of all that is holy; better be a decent step-up in terms of overall quality.
The basic premise does, and always will have potential, and I have confidence in Stallone in delivering the goods the second time around.
I would appreciate it if he’d reduce the meathead quotient just a little bit, and in turn dial up the nostaligia factor; but that’s just me.
Yesterday we popped the cherry on the Top 5 of the Azn Badger’s Top 10 Manliest Man Moments list with a scene from a Godzilla movie.
That right there should tip you off to the fact that this list is very much my list of MANLY moments, and not just some cookie-cutter list for spoon-feeding to the masses.
That being said, our next moment comes courtesy of another one of my personal heroes, Sylvester Stallone.
Yeah, I made this. Damn proud of it too...
Now, as fucking awesome as Stallone movies can be, it’s common knowledge the majority of his filmography could be described as “hit and miss.”
When it comes to Stallone though, at the end of the day it all comes down to his 2 biggest characters and franchises:
*GASP!* You mean Cobra wasn't one of Stallone's biggest hits!?
While I wouldn’t discover the MANLY majesty of the Rambo series until a bit later in life, the saga of Rocky Balboa was something I just couldn’t get enough of in my childhood.
Now, the character of Rocky Balboa might not be the cigar chomping paragon of MANLINESS that some of the other MEN on this list are, but make no mistake; Mr. Balboa is all that is MAN.
He’s the epitome of the classic underdog trope in cinema:
A big lovable retard with titanium MAN-BALLS of COURAGE, obsidian fists of AMERIKUHN JUSTICE, and a bionic heart pumped full of unflappable juices of MANHOOD.
ALL THAT IS MAN.
If all of that doesn’t spell AMERIKUHN HERO, I don’t know what does.
Over the course of his colorful 30+ year boxing career, Rocky Balboa did it all.
He fought and defeated the previously undefeated and undisputed heavyweight champion of the world, after losing to him by a narrow margin in their previous bout:
... Then had a "moment" with him on the beach.
He defended his title several times, only to amazingly lose and regain it in stupendously entertaining back-to-back bouts with Mr. T:
Pictured: Mr. T taking one in the nuts.
He dumped a shit ton of his winnings into buying his brother-in-law a horny robot maid:
I don't wanna' know what goes on between these 2 after hours...
He avenged the death of his best friend by beating the ever-loving fuck out of the Dolph-inator himself, Dolph Lundgren:
And he even took the time to grow a pimp-ass beard!
He trained a rough-edged prospect to world championship status, only to later end up beating the shit out of said pupil in a random and highly illegal street fight:
Man, Tommy Morrison makes for one ugly fucking action figure..
And at the end of it all he ended his career by once again losing to a world champion half his age by a narrow split-decision:
... And succeeded in effectively ending Antonio Tarver's real-life boxing career.
Somewhere towards the middle of all this though, after buying the horny robot but before beating the piss out of his pupil; Rocky found time to do something truly MAN-great…
Something worthy of being ranked our 4th MANLIEST MAN moment in all of movies…
Something MANLIER than any mere boxing ring could contain…
Something…….. POLITICAL.
My greatest hope is that everyone reading this blog has seen Rocky IV, or failing that; at least knows the story of it.
Should anyone reading this blog not match any of these criteria, congratulations; you are both a pussy and a failure at life.
*ANYWAY* being as the beginning of Rocky IV deals with Rocky’s best buddy Apollo Creed getting killed in an exhibition match with the Swedish, I mean, COMMUNIST RUSSIAN death-machine Ivan Drago; naturally the final act of Rocky IV involves Mr. Balboa flying over to the USSR to pound some AMERIKUHN MAN JUSTICE into the giant Arian fuck’s face.
Unfortunately, unbeknowst to Rocky, Drago is packin’ the ‘roids; making the ensuing battle a clusterfuck of MANLY mayhem the likes of which the Eastern and Western world alike have never known:
For nearly 15 rounds and nearly 10 minutes of screen time, Drago and Balboa slug it out; with Balboa falling to the mat no less than 7 times throughout.
Despite Drago out-landing Balboa about 10-to-1, someway, somehow; the Italian Stallion manages to power through the EPICFIST-STORM of COMMUNIST RUSSIAN FACE-FUCKERY and do some damage of his own.
As evidenced by the announcer team making note of it just about every 30 seconds, the COMMUNIST RUSSIAN crowd seriously want Balboa’s nuts in their borscht.
Aw, how could anyone hate Rocky?
Also made apparent by the announcer team making note of it every 30 seconds though, is that part way through the fight, Balboa’s MAN-COURAGE in the ring is starts to win over the hearts and minds of the COMMUNIST RUSSIAN crowd.
Well okay then, I guess I'll have to take your word for it on that one.
At the end of the night, it all comes down to the 15th and final round, wherein Drago, is touched by the spirit of Rocky’s AMERIKUHNSPIRIT; turns his back on THE FUCKING POLITBURO, and says “Fuck it!” to fighting for the state in favor of fighting for MANLINESS.
Pictured: Russian Politics.
Despite possessing an incredible height and reach advantage, as well as being ahead on the scorecards by an absurd margin; Drago opts to fight the final round standing toe-to-toe with Balboa, thereby insuring his failure as a COMMUNIST MAN.
Sure enough, Balboa gets some good shots in downstairs, punches some WOMANLY MAN-tears out of Drago’s guts; and ends up flattening the big, Russian, Best-Friend Murderer in spectacular fashion.
The ref’s count reaches “10” and all the previously anti-AMERIKUHN RUSSIANS in the crowd rush into the ring and drape the triumphant Rocky Balboa in an AMERIKUHN FUCKING FLAG that, I guess they just happened to have on hand…
Such is the MANLY-POWER of Rocky.
He can travel to a HOSTILE nation, inexplicably defeat a physically superior opponent as a massive underdog, and then end up winning over the crowd to such a MANLY extent, that they KNIT AN AMERIKUHN FUCKING FLAG during the course of an hour long fight.
Amerikuhn hero or not, that has got to be one stinky-ass armpit...
Equally, uh, inexplicable; is the fact that, after trouncing their champion, the living symbol of their people’s achievements in physical conditioning; the COMMUNIST RUSSIANS offer the marble-mouthed Rocky Balboa the opportunity to voice his thoughts on the fight over the PA system.
Realizing the EPIC-NESS of the opportunity presented to him, Balboa digs deep within his recently brain-damaged mind, and summons an unrehearsedMAN-SPEECH of world-changing POLITICAL MAN-POWER:
In one night, Rocky Balboa won the most physically demanding fight of his life, and single-handedly ENDED COMMUNISM in the USSR.
Thus concludes our 4th MANLIEST MAN moment.
We’ve got 3 more to go folks, with all the EPIC MANLINESS being slung around here, it’s hard to say whether or not we’ll all survive the experience; but godddamnit I’m gonna’ give it my best shot to see it through to the end!
As promised, here’s a poster depicting the images that came to mind when I first heard news of the Safety Not Guaranteed movie.
From the description, the movie sounds like it’s gonna’ be more of a *Shudder!* “Indie” movie than anything else, however for the purposes of making this poster, y’know; interesting, I decided to go nuts and treat it like an action-adventure B-movie.
While I personally don’t care much for Jack Black or Michael Cera as actors or comedians, in all honesty; it wouldn’t really bother me if they were cast alongside an AK-47 and crowbar wielding Guile lookalike, whilst battling the Ultimate Warrior and his army of dinosaurs.
Truth be told, I used Black and Cera because I was able to find a good high-res photo of them from the unfunny shit-fest that is Year One.
It’s kind of ironic though, (but not in a “hip” sort of way) knowing Hollywood, I wouldn’t put it past them to throw a *GASP!* “Indie” actor like Michael Cera into a movie like this.
It’s almost a certainty that they’d hire Danny McBride for the role of The Mullet Man, most likely because his default haircut seems dangerously close to a mullet to begin with.
Personally, I’d rather see a beastly, wooden-as-fuck action dude like Dolph Lundgren take on the role, but that’s just me.
Anyway, thanks for takin’ a gander; see you tomorrow.
Alrighty folks, today we’re kicking off a new post series I’d like to call Villain Showdown.
In this series of posts we will be taking 2 classic villains of cinema history and pit them against one another across a great number of criteria, ranging from an examination of the devilish deeds that made them the historic villains they are today, to answering the all important question of “who would win in a fight?”
Anyway, enough with the mission statement crap, let’s get on with the first match-up; a contest of the beastly “silent giants” of 80’s fighting cinema, Ivan Drago vs. Chong Li!
Introductions:
Played by Dolph Lundgren, and perhaps the most formidable opponent Rocky Balboa ever fought in his lengthy career, communist Russian boxer Ivan Drago stand today as perhaps the prototypical “silent giant” of 80’s fighting cinema.
Not to be confused with the popular "big ugly dude" trope of action cinema.
A man of few words, Drago’s immense stature, Herculean form, Olympic class boxing skills, and death dealing fists nevertheless secured his place in the annals of film history.
Hailing from South Korea and practicing an unknown martial art, Chong Li owned the Kumite tournament for years until meeting defeat at hands of Frank Dux in the events of Bloodsport in 1988.
Malicious and without mercy, Bolo Yeung’s Chong Li dispensed of the lower-tier competition in the tournament with extreme prejudice, often going out his way to seriously injure and maim, or in one instance; kill his opponents.
Equally as silent as Ivan Drago, Chong Li’s formidable fighting skills, broad and muscular physique, cruel nature, and willingness to bend the rules of the Kumite to his advantage, make him one of the more memorable villains of martial arts cinema.
Criteria #1: Beastly Evil-Doings:
Ivan Drago
Punched Apollo Creed’s brain out his ass inside of 2 rounds, insulted America’s honor by demanding that Rocky fight him in the USSR, cheated by shootin’ the ‘roids, wore a hideous white leotard, stole Rocky’s wife, (not Adrian. Brigitte Nielsen) was Russian and therefore evil in every capacity known to man.
Chong Li
Utterly BEASTED on the lower-tier fighters, put his heel through Ogre from Revenge of the Nerd’s brain box, stole Ogre’s headband, killed a random and grossly out-sized Chinese man, cheated by throwing poison powder in Van Damme’s eyes, cheated by using the referee as a human shield, was Korean and therefore smelled of kimchi and was evil in every capacity known to man, particularly in matters pertaining to games of StarCraft.
Winner: Ivan Drago
Drago killed Apollo.
Really, that’s the only thing that matters in this particular argument.
While one could argue that Chong Li was definitely more evil by nature, as evidenced by the joyful expressions seen on his face whenever he was wrecking people’s shit; the simple fact remains that Drago killed an AMERICAN FUCKING HERO that was very likely 2 days from retirement.
Chong Li tried his damndest to live up to the villainous blueprint laid down by Drago in Rocky IV, however the thickness of Ogre’s skull prevented what otherwise would’ve been a meaningful death in the history of action cinema.
Sorry random Chinese guy, but your neck just isn’t worth the same as Carl Weathers’ mini-fro…
"Damn straight!"
Criteria #2: Tools Of The Trade
Ivan Drago
An Olympic class amateur boxer who fought his first professional bout against Apollo Creed, Drago was the finest heavyweight boxer in the USSR.
Bearing an emotionless persona an trained in a private, scientifically guided training facility, Drago’s physical conditioning and boxing skills were trained to perfection using state-of-the-art training methodologies.
At no less than 6 feet 4 inches in height, and bearing a punch of over 2,000 psi; Drago’s boxing proved sufficient to end the life of former heavyweight champion Apollo Creed inside of 6 minutes.
Despite knocking him down no less than 7 times during his contest with Rocky Balboa, Drago was put to the mat for a 10 count in the 15th and final round, thusly putting an end to his known professional boxing record.
Chong Li
A martial artist from South Korea, Chong Li dominated the Kumite for several years preceding the events of Bloodsport.
Using an unknown fighting system that made extensive use of his superior size and strength, Chong Li was nevertheless a superb and wholly complete fighter.
Chong Li was known to hold numerous records in the Kumite, not the least of which being the record for the the fastest KO in the tournament history, a record that would ultimately be broken by Frank Dux within the same 1988 tournament.
Quite literally, deadly; with fist and foot, Chong Li was known to have killed a competitor in the previous Kumite, going on to do the same to semi-finalist Chuan Ip Mung in the 1988 tournament.
That's right, I know my shit...
Despite this, Li was largely outmatched by Frank Dux in the early goings of their bout, only really gaining an edge when he intentionally blinded him with poison powder.
Overconfident in the handling of his blind opponent, Chong Li was ultimately felled by a series of aerial spin kicks to the face.
Never losing consciousness despite the incredible number of blows landed on him during the course of the fight, Chong Li ultimately submitted at the hands of Frank Dux.
Winner: Ivan Drago
While both men are definitely uber-beasts from a purely physical standpoint, the fact remains that Drago is an uber-beast that could kill you dead while wearing 8-ounce gloves.
Chong Li was by all means a killer by nature, however the one kill of his we were fortunate to bear witness to involved him taking advantage of a near helpless opponent.
Drago’s killing of Apollo Creed, however savage, and indeed, necessary to the plot of the film; was by all intents and purposes incidental to his freakish strength.
Though one could argue that Rocky was equally responsible…
In any case, it should be said that these guys were both pretty close in this particular criteria.
Both displayed incredible tenacity and durability by taking a huge amount of punishment during their respective bouts, however the real tie-breaker proved to be Drago’s endurance over the course of 15 rounds.
Given that Drago cried like a little bitch before going down though, one could argue that Chong Li was indeed the tougher individual, however in my book, 5 minutes with the Van-Damme-inator doesn’t really compare to 45 with Sly Stallone, even if Van Damme’s got his eyes bugged out and is seconds away from snapping your neck…
Criteria #3: FAILURES
Ivan Drago
Foolishly discarded EVERY CONCEIVABLE ADVANTAGE available to him by choosing to slug it out in close quarters with Balboa throughout most of the fight, in particular the 15th and final round.
Cried pathetic anti-man tears moments before succumbing to the ferocious man-fury of Rocky’s fists.
Was Russian…
Chong Li
Let hubris get in the way of his victory over Frank Dux by allowing him to recover during a pivotal moment in the fight.
Was Korean…
Winner: Chong Li
Just to be clear, “winning” this particular criteria refers to one failing less than their opponent, meaning “winning” in this case, is actually a good thing.
Chong Li won this one hands down.
Despite his monstrous appearance, Chong Li proved himself to be a clever fighter with surprisingly very little FAIL present in his character.
Really, the only fuck-up he every really made in the entirety of Bloodsport was in giving Van Damme 3 fucking minutes to meditate on/flashback to his past training, thereby allowing him to win the fight.
Drago, as evidenced by his far larger FAIL section, made more than a few mistakes in his bout with Rocky Balboa.
Displaying overconfidence by fighting Balboa’s fight, and weakness by eliciting distinctly un-manly, Russian Woman Tears on his way down to the canvas, Drago’s strength of character was somewhat questionable.
Who Would Win In A Fight?:
This one’s kind of a toughy.
As evidenced by his winning ways in most of the criteria listed above, Drago is one helluva’ beast, however Li is no slouch and arguably bears the stronger character between the 2 fighters.
Assuming that their contest would be a full contact affair, I could see Drago pressing an early advantage with his power and ranginess; however unless he flattened The Chong outright, I don’t think this phase of the fight would last very long.
As mentioned earlier, Drago displayed a willingness to wade into deep water with his opponents, fighting by their terms; and if this were to be the case with Chong Li, I could see things turning very ugly for Drago should he choose to trade blows with him.
Chong Li’s very complete repertoire of attacks would likely afford him a number of options in handling Drago, not the least of which being vicious kicks and joint locks to the extremities.
Despite the huge disparity in the breadth of the 2 fighters move sets, entirely a result of Drago’s conventional boxing training; the real crux in the matter of comparing the 2 lies in Chong Li’s unerring tenacity.
The Chong took one helluva’ beating from Van Damme, and never once seemed to slow or weaken during the course of the fight.
Perhaps more importantly though, he displayed a great deal of confidence and pluck when knocked to the mat by Ogre, a fighter who was very likely the stronger man in that particular contest.
Drago on the other hand, was pensive in the first few minutes of his fight with Apollo, and later showed weakness of character in his bout with Rocky Balboa, both fighters who were known to be physically inferior to him.
This disparity in maturity and strength of character, combined with the fact that I’d be willing to bet The Chong would go out of his way to fight dirty; seems to indicate that he would be able “figure out” Drago at some point in the proceedings.
Besides, Drago cried like a bitch…
Winner: Chong Li, On Account Of Experience And Toughness
Chong Li is one of the greatest villains in all of cinema history.
I suppose that that should be expected, given that Bloodpsort is already pretty much the best movie in all of cinema history…
Played by the perennial Chinese uber-beast, Bolo Yeung; Chong Li stands as one of the finest examples of the “silent giant” archetype of the fighting sub-genre of film.
Essentially picking up where Dolph Lundgren left off in Rocky IV, Chong Li manages to hit every note necessary to make for an awesome villain, despite having barely any lines of dialogue, let alone a significant amount of screen time.
Despite the aforementioned comparison to Ivan Drago, one could argue that Chong Li actually one-upped The Siberian Express in terms of overall savagery…
Huh, now that I think of it, that’s actually an argument worth, well; arguing.
Tell you what, tomorrow I’m going to start a new series of posts comparing the great villains of cinema history, head-to-head.
This series of posts will be called: Villain Showdown!
Check back tomorrow for the first match-up, Chong Li vs. Ivan Drago!
SUPER SPECIAL BROWNIE POINTS TO ANYONE THAT RECOGNIZES THE DUDE IN THE HELMET IN THE TOP RIGHT CORNER!!!
Well folks, today the Azn Badger’s blog officially breached the 50,000 hit milestone.
For those that are keeping score at home, that’s a fuck-ton of hits.
Seriously man, I started this blog as a means of keeping myself busy while I was between jobs, but I never expected things to take off as much as they have.
That being said, it recently occurred to me that I’ve been writing this blog every day for over 200 days straight now; and yet I’m still going strong.
Pictured: Azn Badger after completing a blog post.
That’s a pretty impressive accomplishment in itself if you ask me.
Every time I have one of these milestone posts, I end up writing about what I feel I need to improve on, or what I need to change, or more often than not; how I’ll probably stop posting every day in the near future.
This time though, I’m gonna’ skip all that.
This time I’m just gonna’ say “thanks,” and go on doing what I’ve been doing for the past 50,000 hits.
So, with that I say thank you again to all who have been reading, and enjoy the communist Totoro celebratory image!
Today I spent a good portion of my afternoon kickin’ it with my Korean buddy from up the street.
Pictured: Said Korean. He made this, not me.
Being as he’s a gadget oriented person, he saw fit to purchase the new Playstation Move on the first day of it’s release.
I was fortunate to be invited to christen the mighty motion control device along with him.
Color me surprised when I discovered that it was actually kind of fun to play.
Bear in mind, my impressions are, of course; derived solely from the Sports Champions disc packed with it.
Azn chick with a bow. Now that's not cliched imagery...
Like most gaming peripheral pack-in games I.E. Wii Sports, Super Scope 6, etc., Sports Champions could be viewed as little more than a tech-demo for the device, however in the case of the Move, it just happens to be a surprisingly deep and full-featured tech-demo.
FUCK. YES.
The game contains 6 different styles of play:
Archery, Ping Pong, Volleyball, Bocce Ball, Disc Golf, and a sword and shield Gladiator Duel.
I leave it to you to guess which game I insisted on playing most often.
"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?"
While I didn’t have the opportunity (nor desire) to try the Volleyball game, I was pretty impressed with most of the others.
The Archery was pretty straightforward, and definitely favored speed over accuracy.
Much like how I favor this Robin Hood over any other.
I have to say, requiring the player to actually have to reach over their shoulder to pull the next arrow from their quiver was a nice touch.
Other than that though, the Archery game was definitely lacking without the use of a second Move controller to properly simulate the tensile strength on the string of the bow.
The second controller tracks the distance between the 2 to determine the strength of the shot. SCIENCE.
My friend is a gadget guy, but he’s also Azn, so I don’t expect he’ll be shelling out the cash for another controller any time soon.
Moving on, Ping Pong was definitely a standout among most of the games.
Ping Pong was the first game I was privy to trying my hand at, and as such, it served as my introduction to the technical capabilities of the Move.
TECHNICAL.
My first action in the game was to turn over my wrist before the serve, just to see how well the Move could track my motions.
I have to say, it was quite satisfying to see my on-screen avatar (some douche in sunglasses named Dallas) actually match my wrist gesticulations move for move.
Here’s a video of someone (who sucks) playing the same character:
Once I started the game, I found the controls to be quite intuitive and surprisingly true to life.
I was perhaps most impressed by the controller’s ability to keep up with my movements despite my wonky style of playing Ping Pong.
I play right-handed, but in a Southpaw stance… And I also play back-handed with the racquet held at my waist.
Pictured: The Azn Badger playin' Ping Pong.
Goofy yes, but effective against lower-tier players like myself.
Despite all that goofiness, the Move managed to keep up just fine, allowing me to actually get a win in Ping Pong before my friend, the owner of the device, even got a chance to.
Bocce Ball was kind of a mixed bag.
I played it hot-seat style with my 2 other friends, and we found that:
A): Bocce Ball is a game that is probably more fun when someone in the room knows the rules/objective of the game.
And B): Bocce Ball is a game best played in the presence of old people or feebs.
Pictured: The correct people to stomp on in Bocce Ball.
While pretty fun, especially whenever someone managed to accidentally make a nice shot, the real problem with Bocce Ball was the Move’s inability to simulate the weight of a Bocce Ball in your hand.
Trust me, when you’re trying to determine just how much man-force behind your Bocce throw, more often than not you’ll find yourself overthrowing.
This same problem was present when playing Disc Golf with the same 2 friends.
Thankfully, no one I know owns one of these.
Although in this case, the problem was much more pronounced.
Disc Golf was kind of like the Wii Bowling of the Sports Champion disc.
Once you “get it,” that is, figure out how to position your wrist and how much man-force to put behind your shots, for the most part you’ve pretty much figured out the game.
Though my friends and I didn’t come close to mastering Disc Golf in the short time we played it, I can say this:
Those of us who could straighten their wrists properly (not me) were consistently the victor in every match we played.
That being said, let’s cut through the bullshit and get down to talkin’ about the only game in Sports Champions that really matters:
GLADIATOR DUEL
I’ve played Gladiator Duel for about 4-5 hours total now, and I’ve gotta’ say, at least against the computer; it’s pretty fuckin’ fun.
The basic gameplay of Duel is that of a motion controlled sword fight.
Yes, you do in fact look THIS dorky when playing.
Remember how utterly weak-sauce the controls of Wii Boxing were?
You know how he landed that shot? By flailing around for 5 minutes and getting lucky, that's how.
Well, Gladiator Duel blows that shit outta’ the water.
Remember how every swing you performed in Wii Tennis, regardless of power or direction, would always result in a canned animation?
Pictured: Steven Spielberg spite-killing Shigeru Miyamoto at Wii Tennis.
Well, Gladiator Duel spreads it’s cheeks and drops a log all over that shit’s face.
Well, that has nothing to do with Gladiator Duel, but it was fuckin’ awesome…
Anyway, when playing Duel, swinging the Move controller results in any number of attacks, while doing the same motions while holding the trigger on the controller results in manipulation of the player’s shield.
Parries, that is defense using one’s sword are possible and indeed recommended, as are the use of lateral movement and backsteps.
There are numerous context sensitive actions available in the game, so many in fact that I found myself wondering how fun Gladiator Duel would be to play online with human players.
Here’s a clip, I don’t feel like fishing for pics right now:
Trust me when I say this, the game is far more intense once you step up the difficulty level.
I was quite impressed by the sheer volume of content available in Sports Champions, well, at least the Gladiator Duel portion of it.
Near as I can tell, there are 10 racially diverse player avatars to choose from, with apparently an additional six unlockable after completing all of the challenges for each sports event.
Pictured: The 2 Azn characters. Both are Japanese. Go figure.
My buddy and I managed to unlock Titus, the Roman gladiator-garbed boss character of the Gladiator Duel game.
Pictured: Titus and his trident wielding friend.
In addition to this, different weapon skins and costumes are unlockable for each character, but perhaps most importantly, many characters possess their own movement animations, with only a few being reused here and there.
Thankfully there wasn't a whole lot of this in Sports Champions...
Little details like that were certainly not necessary for the developers to release Sports Champions successfully, however they are ultimately what kept me from holding all that much against it.
I can honestly say that I’ll probably never invest in a Move, (I’d need a Playstation 3 first now, wouldn’t I?) however that doesn’t stop me from having a lot of fun playing it at a friend’s house.
A few words to potential purchasers:
My buddy was telling me that he tried using the Move in conjunction with the game Tiger Woods 11, only to find that the motion controls were stunningly inaccurate.
Also, the same buddy is still trying to find a game that stands out as being a must purchase for the Move.
To top things off, as mentioned earlier, many games seem to need a second controller to work properly, so that’s an extra $40 if you seriously wanna’ get the most out of your experience.
Oh well, that doesn’t stop me from pestering my buddy to buy another controller so we can try The Fight: Lights Out…
The overkill in question occurs during the final battle of the film between the 2 crazy, roided-out Universal Soldiers of the title.
Well, maybe Van Damme isn’t, but Dolph is ‘roided out at this point anyway…
Everyone knows the 'roids grant the user He-Man hair...
Being as this is a Van Damme film, the first half of the fight belongs to the villain.
For several minutes straight, Dolph kicks the ever-loving shit out of Van Damme, making the stunt crew and wire team work for their money in the process.
Unfortunately, just as victory seems certain for the uber-Swede, he makes the BIG FUCKING MISTAKE of diverting his attention to Van Damme’s lady friend in the background.
By “diverting his attention,” of course, I mean “chucking a grenade up her ass.”
There are only 3 things in this world you don’t do when Van Damme’s in town.
First, you never throw white powder in his eyes.
That’ll get you kicked in the head, REPEATEDLY.
Second, you never, never, travel through time without the proper authority.
Yes, that used to be Ron Silver before he touched himself...
And third, you never, ever, EVERRRR, ogle/threaten/rape/blow-up the woman that Van Damme is into, but isn’t actually in a legit relationship with on account of them not fucking, or not having known each other long enough for their feelings to amount to them wanting to fuck.
Seriously Dolph, you were home free until you chucked that grenade up that pretty ladies’ ass…
Jeez, Dolph. I know it was cool n'all, but get over it...
Not only that, but you know that fire your grenade just caused?
Well, it serves to give Van Damme ample opportunity to stand up heroically in front of it, thereby solidifying this part of the fight as his “comeback moment.”
Oh now you've gone and done it...
Needless to say, Van Damme gets back in the fight, managing to land his first noteworthy blows.
I like how 'roids somehow make kicks to the face hurt less.
Despite Van Damme’s angst/kicking power, there’s still the matter of Dolph’s ‘roid enhanced powers…
Due to the vast disparity in strength levels at this juncture, Van Damme still finds himself on the receiving end of a lot of downright silly Full Metal Jacket-esque taunts, in between eating a lot of Swedish knuckle-sandwiches, of course.
In fact, Dolph puts even his ass through a wall at one point.
Goddamn! Somebody ate their spinach...
No matter, Van Damme is in “comeback mode” at this point, thereby making any attacks only serve to enhance, rather than deplete his Belgian man-strength.
At some point, Van Damme manages to snatch an extra syringe of ‘roids off of Dolph’s tactical vest.
Van Damme: Teaching the kids that juicing's the only way to win...
Now, these ‘roids have to be just about the fastest acting chemical substance found on this Earth, as after no more than 5 seconds, Van Damme’s strength level seems to shoot right past ‘ole Dolph.
"Man, you're like half my size! What the fuck kinda' shit you shootin'!?"
With that, Dolph’s days of landing noteworthy blows, or even trying to defend himself come to an end, as things may as well have just shifted from the traditional martial arts movie “comeback mode,” to “Van Damme kicks people in the face mode.”
I'm beginning to see a theme here...
Needless to say, Dolph gets shown all 4 corners of the, uh, barn; and then some.
It all comes to a head when Van Damme gets a hold of Dolph and decides to throw technique and variation out the window in favor of throwing the same punch about 50 billion times.
IN THE FACE x50,000,000,000!!!
Seriously, virtually every drop of blood, and every bruise inflicted on the giga-Swede in this fight were the product of said punches, and seemingly nothing else.
Anyway, the Van Damminator gets his first bit of revenge by putting Dolph through a wall, thusly bringing the fight back outside into the rain.
This leads to a rather bizarre, and very childish bit of banter between the 2:
Well, that was productive.
Anyway, mass face-kicking ensues, resulting in Dolph falling backwards onto a harvester, and the true beginning to our #7 best overkill.
Here are the results of said fall:
Well now, we're regretting that little grenade toss earlier, right?
Wow, that’s a lot of holes!
As one would expect, Dolph doesn’t get up from that one.
Well, not in the traditional sense anyway.
Much like a Michael Myers/Jason Voorhees-style slasher, Dolph tries to trick Van Damme by playing dead, although it’s equally possible he simply passed out for a short time after, well, you saw.
I'm dead, soldier...
Anyway, with his un-impaled hand, Dolph grabs hold of the back of Van Damme’s head, and in one final attempt to finally make our hero a “dead soldier,” tries to pull Van Damme’s face into the harvester blade protruding from his own chest.
Bro'mance at it's most intimate...
If that’s not savage, I don’t know what is.
Unfortunately, Van Damme still has some of that ‘roid sauce in his blood, thusly allowing him to deftly snap the big Swede’s forearm out of place.
I know I said it before, but your arm really isn't supposed to bend that way.
Being as Dolph is still impaled and stuck to the harvester blades, and now has no operational limbs, I’d say his threat level just dropped to zero.
Even so, Van Damme doesn’t like loose ends, so being as this is a 90’s action flick, he runs on over to the power switch for the harvester, and unflinchingly turns that sucker on!
While we aren’t treated to the gloriously gory details of the Swedish slice-o-matic extravaganza,, we do bear witness to a tasty little tidbit of the carnage in the form of a shot of the harvester’s expulsion duct blowing bits and chunks of Dolph out into the night sky.
Rest assured, the next harvest on this particular farm will grow inordinately large and blond from the trickle-down effect of laying Dolph’s liquified form onto the fields…
Oh yeah, and it turns out the chick didn’t get blown up.
*SPOILER ALERT!* ZERO spoilers ahead in regards to plot details/major events, but most of the match-ups in the fight scenes are revealed below.
If you don’t wanna’ know who’s gonna’ be fighting who, stop reading NOW. *SPOILER ALERT!*
Let it be known, The Expendables is just about the most meat-head centric films I’ve ever seen.
Rest assured, The Expendables is all about suped-up cars, guns, tattoos, armbars, stupid one-liners, and one very gratuitous T&A shot.
Meat-heads of the world unite, the film that shall be your gospel has arrived.
ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE BROCK CHRIST!!!!
Despite my general disdain for the UFC crowd and their, how shall we say, “sensibilities;” I came away from The Expendables feeling pretty good about the whole experience.
The Expendables is, of course; a product of the master of facial paralysis himself, Sylvester Stallone.
Best caricature, EVER.
From what I remember, Stallone pounded out a script for The Expendables almost immediately after his previous film, Rambo; was proven to be a financial success.
The premise of the film is that of the “men on a mission” sub-genre of yore.
Let me just say, The Wild Bunch is one of the best films I've ever seen.
Basically, the plot boils down to a group of heartless mercenaries being sent on a suicide mission to liberate a fictional South American nation, only to discover, through the beauty and courage of a lady freedom fighter; that they do in fact give a shit about something in this world besides money.
"You not EXPENDABLE Rambo!"
While this describes the plot for just about every film in the genre, the one major difference between Stallone’s version and the rest is, of course; the fact that the “heartless mercenaries” in his version, are all played by noteworthy “faces” of action cinema, past and present.
If only it had been a live-action adaptation of Lucky and Wild... Look it up, it's a sweet ass arcade game.
Sure, that movie had Stallone, and Kurt RussellAND Jack Palance to boot, but that doesn’t mean it was even remotely good.
No, The Expendables is not the greatest action movie ever, nor will it remembered alongside any of the true greats of the genre, but that doesn’t make it a bad movie.
On the contrary, I felt it was quite good for what it was.
While the script is utter crap, with most of the one-liners coming across as strained and almost painfully weak, like any good action movie the script is secondary to the action.
Thankfully much of the dialogue in the film is brief, although sometimes the “man speak” quotient can seem a bit overwhelming at times.
Seriously, everyone in the cast of this film make this guy seem straight-up femme:
Anyway, we’ve established that The Expendables, a dumb action movie; has a shitty plot and script.
It’s probably about time I got to talking about something we didn’t know, right?
Let’s talk about how The Expendables fared on the action front.
The action in The Expendables is quite good by modern standards.
It’s violent, chaotic, and often over-the-top, and after the awesomeness that was Rambo just 2 years ago, it’s just about everything I was hoping for in an American action film.
The gunplay is especially over-the-top, with terrific sound editing, and a wonderful sense of “oomph” that is rare among action films.
Trust me, from the first time someone is shot in this film, you know just what kind of movie you’ve gotten yourself into.
Kind of like saying, "From the moment Swayze layed down on the floor and stared longingly at Jennifer Grey, you KNEW what kind of movie you'd gotten yourself into."
Oh yeah, despite it being less brutal and gory than Rambo, the violence level is right up there in Steven Seagal territory in terms of blood-letting.
It should be noted however, that virtually all of the bullet hits are done, not with squibs, but through digital effects.
While this saddened me to some extent, as I figured that if anyone was going to do things “old-school,” it would be Stallone, admittedly it doesn’t do much to effect ones’ overall enjoyment of the film.
Yup, that's violent!
The cinematography in The Expendables is vaguely Greengrass/Bourne-esque throughout i.e. lots of intentional camera jitter, rapid-fire edits, and shakily framed shots, though personally I didn’t have a problem with this.
Bear in mind, I’ve been watching dumb action flicks from the cradle and on, so MTV style editing, and, well, MTV style camera work are nothing new to me.
I think a lot of my non-issue with the cinematography in The Expendables, stems from the fact that I’ve not just been watching action movies my whole life, but boxing, and kung fumovies.
My eyes are trained son, ain’t no tricks out there my eyes can’t see…
It's in the middle, dumbass...
I will say this though, the cinematography in all of the vehicle-based action sequences in The Expendables, is fucking atrocious, and downright frustrating to follow.
Outside of that though, my eyes are trained son…
While I hate to make such a big deal about this one point, I encountered several reviews, including one by a vlogger I happen to trust and admire, Noah Antwiler AKA Spoony, that took offense to the cinematography in this film, so I figure this particular argument deserves some special attention.
Google "special attention," and this is what you get: Red Panda cuteness...
The Expendables is a typical American military action flick.
While there are in fact a handful of protracted brawls between major players in the cast, (which we will get to in a minute) the vast majority of the action in the film is choreographed in such a way that death is dealt swiftly and often.
That is to say, there is not a whole lot of depth or drama to the choreography of the action, both armed and unarmed in The Expendables.
In fact, most of the shots of violence in the film are arranged in such a way that we really aren’t shown a whole of the detail in the various battles that are taking place, but rather just the deathblows in each engagement/exchange.
A movie where every hit is a fatality? Works for me...
Think of it as taking a highlight reel approach to editing a number of fight/action scenes together as opposed to putting a premium on drama or continuity.
The Expendables is a film that often has several skirmishes happening parallel to one another, a fact that necessitates overlap between most of the action in terms of editing, resulting in a film that simply cannotstop to do the proper dramatic justice to any one of said action set-pieces.
While I generally disapprove of editing multiple action scenes together, (see Cradle 2 the Grave and virtually every Michael Bay film ever made) I found the last 30 minutes of The Expendables to be a fine example of how to implement said technique effectively.
Yes, these 2 things go together like Jet Li and DMX. Oh wait...
This leads to most of the fights/gunfights seeming fragmented, and somewhat lacking in coherence, given that much of the cast in this film is past their physical prime, do you really think you’d want to see what these guys looked like without the help of the guy in the editing room?
Speaking of which, let’s take a moment to talk about the fighting element of The Expendables.
The Expendables had a number fight scenes in it, most notably Dolph Lundgren vs. Jet Li, Jason Statham and Jet Li vs. Gary Daniels, Stone Cold vs. Sylvester Stallone, and finally, Stone Cold vs. Randy Couture.
In order, here are my thoughts:
Dolph looked surprisingly spry despite his age.
Sure, the fight was edited to shit, and the framing was frustratingly “off” at times, but the sheer novelty of seeing fuckin’ Ivan Drago go toe-to-toe with Jet Li was enough to keep me engaged.
Dolph employed a fairly linear boxing/kickboxing fighting style of sorts, with most of his punches coming in at straight angles, and more importantly, in bunches.
While the drama of the fight is virtually non-existent, largely due to a few (intentionally) giggle-inducing beats, the scene was good for what it was:
A novelty.
That being said, Jet Li’s performance in the film is rather odd.
Oh wait, this wasn't "odd," this was just "shitty."
His character is legitimately funny throughout, and his physical presence is impressive, but sadly limited.
While industry great, Corey Yuen, is credited as a choreographer for Li’s scenes, sadly the pair isn’t given much screen time to deal with.
Despite this, Jet Li’s performance possesses the grace and flexibility he is known and loved for, though the rapid-edits have the side-effect of obscuring his speed.
Jason Statham’s performance was largely similar to that of Jet Li’s, in that he looked good, but with the “A to C” as opposed to “A, B, C” style of editing, we really couldn’t tell just how good he was.
Oh yes, he's good... NOT GAY.
Having worked with Corey Yuen before, in The Transporter; it’s no surprise that Statham’s movements and execution are pretty much spot on for the demands of his character.
Speaking of “execution,” his character, who displays a penchant for knives in his fighting style, allows Statham ample opportunity to wow with his close-quarters knife work.
Seriously, I haven’t been happy with any of Jason Statham’s performances, physical or otherwise, since the first Transporter movie, but his work in The Expendables, particularly when armed with knives, was downright impressive.
That’s a pretty big fuckin’ compliment coming from me.
ME.
Anyway, Jet Li and Jason Statham’s tandem battle with Gary Daniels was legitimately impressive in a brutal sort of way.
Bear in mind, at this point in the film, (which was easily the highlight of the whole thing for me) Stone Cold vs. Stallone, Gary Daniels vs. The Dudes from The One and War, and Randy Couture hiding behind a bunch of sandbags, are all happening simultaneously.
While it makes me sad to see a talent like Gary Daniels as criminally under-used as he was in The Expendables, I have to admit it was pretty neat to see him be on the receiving end of a martial arts double-team in a military action flick.
The reason I keep emphasizing the word military, is because it implies severity, life and death stakes.
When people fist fight in this movie, it’s not for honor, or glory, it’s simply to make the man standing before them stop breathing and get out of their way.
That being said, Gary Daniels fares about as well as any human would when faced with the prospect of taking on 2 men at once.
That is, unless you’re the Undertaker…
The fight is not so much a fight, as it is brutal beatdown, but like every Steven Seagal fight in existence has taught us, sometimes that’s a good thing.
Moving on, Stone Cold vs. Stallone was probably one of the most glorious “big man” fights I can recall in film history.
With Stallone being over 60, and Stone Cold turning out truly horrendous fighting performances in The Condemned and Damage, I was expecting a sluggish bar room brawl of sorts, but color me surprised when this unbelievable masterpiece of beefy old-guy fighting cinema came rolling around the corner.
The choreography is sharp, with the punches being swung fiercely and often, and Stallone routinely busting out impressive takedowns, and, in particular; one hell of an agile flying armbar.
Yes, one of these.
In fact, my only gripe with this whole fight, is that, again; most of the drama is lost due to the highlight reel style editing.
More specifically, while Stallone’s takedowns and submission holds are impressive to behold in execution, unfortunately there really is no “why” in regards to his implementation of them.
In Flashpoint, Donnie Yen’s grappling and holds had a purpose in the choreography in that they smothered Collin Chou’s superior offense, and thusly turned the fight in his favor.
This man wouldn't do something simply for the sake of flash. No way...
Stallone’s grappling in The Expendables, is the equivalent to watching Jean-Claude Van Damme do a series of his famed slow-motion aerial kicks.
There’s really no practicality to it in the context of the fight, it’s just flash for the sake of flash.
Or in this case, Butt for the sake of Butt...
While it’s a minor gripe, seeing as this has already spiraled into a much more technical and in-depth review than I was initially expecting, I figured I should bring it up.
In one scene, Stallone managed to defy Father Time, and Stone Cold made a believer out of me in regards to his career as an action movie guy.
Which brings us to the last major sequence of manly fisticuffs in The Expendables, MMA legend Randy Couture vs. modern WWF legend, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.
I’ll just say this:
This fight was made for UFC and wrestling fanboys, and no one else.
First search for "UFC fan," and I got just what I wanted. Thanks internet.
After the terrific spectacle that was, well, pretty much every other fight in this movie, it brought a tear to my eye to see the final brawl in the movie be such a let down.
Randy Couture should not be in movies.
More specifically, Randy Couture should not be in this movie.
Seriously, I’m not even hating on the UFC stuff right now.
I'm not. I swear...
Randy Couture, and more importantly, Randy Couture’s character, could have, and should have been excised from the script, as neither has much of anything to offer.
Regardless, Randy Couture, though a nice guy, and a terrific athlete, is a truly terrible actor, and barely adequate screen-fighter.
Throughout the movie we bear witness to Couture body-slamming and, well, fiercely body-slamming bad guys, sometimes with a mean expression on his face, usually without.
Pictured: Randy Couture's "mean face."
To say that the choreography given to Couture in this movie is limited is like saying Hulk Hogan’s repertoire of wrestling moves was limited.
It’s an indisputable fact.
That was 1 of 3 moves Hulk Hogan possessed over the years.
Personally, I preferred seeing Couture body-slamming people as opposed to, well, just about anything else he did in the movie.
Especially speaking.
Anyway, I don’t want to go into the details of Couture vs. Stone Cold, but I will say this:
It’s not half as good as Stallone’s fight, and Randy Couture is as stiff as mother fuckin’ Frankenstein.
And I'm not talkin' the Bobby D Frankenstein either...
Alright, well I’m officially spent.
I’ve honestly got more to say, but I’m starting to fade, so I think I’m gonna’ try to call it quits for tonight.
The Expendables was a good time, if mayhem, testosterone and explosions are what you’re looking for.
It’s not a classic in the making, but it’s definitely fun for what it is.
The script is ass, though Mickey Rourke manages to carve a soul into the film with one gut-wrenching scene of apparently improv-ed ACTING.
The gunplay is tops, with comparisons to Stallone’s own Rambo in terms of entertainment value,”oh shit” factor, and spillage of bodily fluids of the sanguine (look it up, dumbass) variety, being entirely warranted.
The fighting is difficult to follow for some, (not me) but surprisingly rewarding despite the relatively advanced ages of the majority of the performers.
In all, I had fun with The Expendables, and I’m pretty sure that was the point.
Have fun with The Expendables, ’cause if you can’t, then chances are you’re just being a dick and need to lighten up.
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