Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

And Now, The Azn Badger Reenacting Rocky IV.


So, I recently bought myself a Canon ELPH 300 HS AKA “The Default Blogger’s Camera.”

I purchased said camera in hopes of using it for an upcoming video project, however in the meantime, I figured I’d have a little fun with it and test out it’s features.

As you can clearly see, it comes with a nifty slow-mo capture mode, a feature that has proven useful for making a fool of myself with.

Anyway, hope you all enjoyed my little experiment!

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , ,

Jack O’ Lanterns, Azn Badger Style!

Tonight was pumpkin carving night at the house of the Azn Badger.

I’ve been “a little too old” for Jack O’ Lanterns for probably 5 years now, but as long as my mother insists on keeping the tradition alive; I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of it.

That being said, this year my dad “acquired” (don’t ask…) about 6 big ass pumpkins, leaving me, my mother, my brother and his girlfriend with our work cut out for us.

As far as annual pumpkin carvings go, this one was a lot of fun.

Not only that, but as you’ll see below, the pumpkins ended up pretty awesome.

We’ll start off with the Azn Badger’s:

Don’t mind the smudged mess in the top-left corner. That’s just my brother…

BOO-YAH-KA-SHA!!

That’s what I call a mother-fuckin’ pumpkin!

In case you couldn’t tell, the face was somewhat influenced by the Predator of the franchise of the same name.

Oh yeah, and the eyes came from Venom from Spider-Man…

Yeah, I have no original thoughts whatsoever.

ANYWAY, next up is my brother’s pumpkin:

The first word that came to mind when I saw my brother’s pumpkin was “cute.”

That’s right, I called a man’s pumpkin “cute.”

I’m not a fairy or anything, I’m just calling it like it is.

Also, don’t go make any assumptions about my brother just ’cause his pumpkin’s cute n’shit.

My brother’s a fuckin’ PIMP, and don’t you forget it, son.

Not ghey.

Next up is my brother’s girlfriend’s pumpkin:

Described by it’s creator as looking vaguely like a “confused baby,” this pumpkin has as much capacity to inspire as it does terrify those that gaze upon it.

Honestly, looking at this thing gives me the willies.

It’s like one of those faceless white masks that that one breakdance troupe wore awhile back.

You know it’s a face, you know it’s female; but you haven’t the slightest clue what it wants from you/wants to do to you.

That being said, let’s move on to my mom’s pumpkin before I die a horrible The Ring-esque death as a result of looking at this pumpkin for too long:

My mom is… “Artistic”… Yeah, we’ll go with that…

This was another “cute” pumpkin, though “odd” would probably fit just as well too.

The construction of it is actually kind of interesting, as the massive “nose” of the pumpkin is actually attached to the lid portion of the top of the pumpkin, which causes the whole thing to look kind of like a Spartan helmet.

Again, I have no original thoughts of my own.  All I know is taken from movies and videogames.

*Ahem!* Anyway, my mom always goes out of her way to make fun and decidedly original pumpkins every year, and this time around was no exception.

Anyway, just thought I’d share some photos and save myself an evening of writing.

Take care this Halloween!

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #7: Universal Soldier

*Note: I am aware that they may be better overkills out there, but c’mon; this is Van Damme vs. Ivan Drago we’re talking about…*

Universal Soldier is not a good movie.

Hell, it’s not even a good Van Damme movie.

Despite this, I doubt any of us will forget the supermarket sequence,

"I kick ass, I kiss ass, and I'm busting heads!"

or watching Van Damme kick the shit out of truckers for absolutely no reason.

"Goddamnt, I'm just trying to eat this tray of popcorn!"

Anyway, this list isn’t about hero worship; it’s about overkill, so let’s get to it.

CLICK HERE FOR CLIP

The overkill in question occurs during the final battle of the film between the 2 crazy, roided-out Universal Soldiers of the title.

Well, maybe Van Damme isn’t, but Dolph is ‘roided out at this point anyway…

Everyone knows the 'roids grant the user He-Man hair...

Being as this is a Van Damme film, the first half of the fight belongs to the villain.

For several minutes straight, Dolph kicks the ever-loving shit out of Van Damme, making the stunt crew and wire team work for their money in the process.

Unfortunately, just as victory seems certain for the uber-Swede, he makes the BIG FUCKING MISTAKE of diverting his attention to Van Damme’s lady friend in the background.

By “diverting his attention,” of course, I mean “chucking a grenade up her ass.”

There are only 3 things in this world you don’t do when Van Damme’s in town.

First, you never throw white powder in his eyes.

That’ll get you kicked in the head, REPEATEDLY.

Second, you never, never, travel through time without the proper authority.

That’ll get your ass Ron Silver-ed.

Yes, that used to be Ron Silver before he touched himself...

And third, you never, ever, EVERRRR, ogle/threaten/rape/blow-up the woman that Van Damme is into, but isn’t actually in a legit relationship with on account of them not fucking, or not having known each other long enough for their feelings to amount to them wanting to fuck.

Seriously Dolph, you were home free until you chucked that grenade up that pretty ladies’ ass…

Jeez, Dolph. I know it was cool n'all, but get over it...

Not only that, but you know that fire your grenade just caused?

Well, it serves to give Van Damme ample opportunity to stand up heroically in front of it, thereby solidifying this part of the fight as his “comeback moment.”

Oh now you've gone and done it...

Needless to say, Van Damme gets back in the fight, managing to land his first noteworthy blows.

I like how 'roids somehow make kicks to the face hurt less.

Despite Van Damme’s angst/kicking power, there’s still the matter of Dolph’s ‘roid enhanced powers…

Due to the vast disparity in strength levels at this juncture, Van Damme still finds himself on the receiving end of a lot of downright silly Full Metal Jacket-esque taunts, in between eating a lot of Swedish knuckle-sandwiches, of course.

In fact, Dolph puts even his ass through a wall at one point.

Goddamn! Somebody ate their spinach...

No matter, Van Damme is in “comeback mode” at this point, thereby making any attacks only serve to enhance, rather than deplete his Belgian man-strength.

At some point, Van Damme manages to snatch an extra syringe of ‘roids off of Dolph’s tactical vest.

Van Damme: Teaching the kids that juicing's the only way to win...

Now, these ‘roids have to be just about the fastest acting chemical substance found on this Earth, as after no more than 5 seconds, Van Damme’s strength level seems to shoot right past ‘ole Dolph.

"Man, you're like half my size! What the fuck kinda' shit you shootin'!?"

With that, Dolph’s days of landing noteworthy blows, or even trying to defend himself come to an end, as things may as well have just shifted from the traditional martial arts movie “comeback mode,” to “Van Damme kicks people in the face mode.”

I'm beginning to see a theme here...

Needless to say, Dolph gets shown all 4 corners of the, uh, barn; and then some.

It all comes to a head when Van Damme gets a hold of Dolph and decides to throw technique and variation out the window in favor of throwing the same punch about 50 billion times.

IN THE FACE x50,000,000,000!!!

Seriously, virtually every drop of blood, and every bruise inflicted on the giga-Swede in this fight were the product of said punches, and seemingly nothing else.

Anyway, the Van Damminator gets his first bit of revenge by putting Dolph through a wall, thusly bringing the fight back outside into the rain.

This leads to a rather bizarre, and very childish bit of banter between the 2:

Well, that was productive.

Anyway, mass face-kicking ensues, resulting in Dolph falling backwards onto a harvester, and the true beginning to our #7 best overkill.

Here are the results of said fall:

Well now, we're regretting that little grenade toss earlier, right?

Wow, that’s a lot of holes!

As one would expect, Dolph doesn’t get up from that one.

Well, not in the traditional sense anyway.

Much like a Michael Myers/Jason Voorhees-style slasher, Dolph tries to trick Van Damme by playing dead, although it’s equally possible he simply passed out for a short time after, well, you saw.

I'm dead, soldier...

Anyway, with his un-impaled hand, Dolph grabs hold of the back of Van Damme’s head, and in one final attempt to finally make our hero a “dead soldier,” tries to pull Van Damme’s face into the harvester blade protruding from his own chest.

Bro'mance at it's most intimate...

If that’s not savage, I don’t know what is.

Unfortunately, Van Damme still has some of that ‘roid sauce in his blood, thusly allowing him to deftly snap the big Swede’s forearm out of place.

I know I said it before, but your arm really isn't supposed to bend that way.

Being as Dolph is still impaled and stuck to the harvester blades, and now has no operational limbs, I’d say his threat level just dropped to zero.

Even so, Van Damme doesn’t like loose ends, so being as this is a 90’s action flick, he runs on over to the power switch for the harvester, and unflinchingly turns that sucker on!

While we aren’t treated to the gloriously gory details of the Swedish slice-o-matic extravaganza,, we do bear witness to a tasty little tidbit of the carnage in the form of a shot of the harvester’s expulsion duct blowing bits and chunks of Dolph out into the night sky.

Rest assured, the next harvest on this particular farm will grow inordinately large and blond from the trickle-down effect of laying Dolph’s liquified form onto the fields…

Oh yeah, and it turns out the chick didn’t get blown up.

Fuckin’ figures…

BUTT.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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