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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #2: Marked For Death

Well, well, well, it’s good to see you again Steven Seagal.

While Out For Justice was far and away the superior Seagal film, Marked For Death managed to carve a niche for itself in the vast timeline of Seagal-ian film history by featuring the best overkill in the entirety of his career, as well as being the only film in which Seagal actually kills the same man twice.

Also, it’s one of maybe 2-3 movies in which Steven Seagal is forced to run:

Tee hee, I’ll never get tired of that…

Anyway, Steven Seagal doesn’t actually double-kill a man in Marked For Death, (although one could argue he does more than that by the end of this overkill) rather he kills a pair of twin brothers who just happened to be played by the same man.

The brothers in question are the heads of a Jamaican voodoo cult/drug cartel that just happens to have fucked with Casey FUCKING Ryback’s, I mean, Steven Seagal’s family.

Oh yeah, and they killed his partner.

Protip: DON’T try to fight Steven Seagal, and DON’T fuck with his family.

That being said during the dual-conclusive battles of the film, Seagal recruits the aide of a pimp-ass posse of ass-kickers consisting of Tom Wright AKA The Biggest Fuckin’ Eyebrows EVER,

Tom Wright: Master of Eyebrow-Fu.

and Keith David AKA The Pimpest Voice on the Planet.

Did I mention Keith David had the pimpest voice on the planet?

Being as this is a Steven Seagal film though, neither of these guys will play any sort of role in killing off the 2 major villains in the film.

Seagal doesn’t share his kills…

Anyway, the villains of Marked For Death share a persona going by the name of Screwface.

Don’t ask…

Screwface I engages in a brief melee battle with Seagal, only to have his package sliced open,

WOAH! Now that's just straight-up wrong!

and then promptly have his head lopped off for the purposes of further desecration later in the film.

While the death of Screwface I was indeed tasty, and quite epic in it’s own right, it was by no means an overkill, least of all by Seagal-ian standards…

The real overkill in Marked For Death, the one worthy of the title of #2 Best Overkill in Movies, takes place during the final climactic battle (there were several…) of the film, wherein Seagal takes on Screwface II.

The battle begins as Seagal and his posse raid Screwface II’s nightclub, with a wounded Keith David opting to handle the majority of the underlings and fodder while Seagal goes for the big dog.

Skip to 2:18 for an abridged version of the fight (Sorry!)

Our battle begins as Screwface lunges from the shadows and takes a swing at Seagal with a sword.

Being as Seagal himself is armed with a sword, he naturally deflects the blow.

After a bit of sword-clinking and bladed-patty cake, Screwface II steps back and declares:

With that, Screwface II resumes his attack, only to be met with a retort in form of a slice across his chest (and pimp-ass jacket).

With that, Screwface II once again charges forward, this time making the mistake of stepping into arm’s reach/WRECKING YOUR SHIT range.

This of course results in Seagal flipping ‘ole Screwball II onto his cracked out, colored contact lense wearing ass.

Lookit' 'im, layin' there like a lump... I'm talking about Screwface, by the way.

Shrugging off his trip to the mat like a champ, Screwface immediately scurries out of the hallway and into the bar section of his nightclub palace.

Seagal promptly follows him, assuming quite possibly the fruitiest/most impractical sword stance the world has ever seen.

As soon as they’re on the hardwood, Screwface II bum-rushes the Seagal-inator, clashing swords with him, and eventually managing to disarm him in the process!

I call bullshit!

Hang on, he did what to Seagal?

Huh…

ANYWAY, naturally the 2 lock-up and make a move towards the nearest hard surface so Steven Seagal can…

Get PUNCHED in the face.

Okay, now I know something’s up.

Luckily, the grappling continues and Seagal manages to…

Get PUNCHED in the gut.

THROWN through glass.

THROWN through more glass.

SMASHED face-first into a table.

and THROWN into even more glass.

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!!???

Seriously man, this is a fuckin’ Steven Seagal movie!

Steven Seagal doesn’t get beat up!

Man…………….

Well hang on, let’s take another look at this, I think I just found the problem…

AH HAH!

It was an imposter all along!

Nothing more than a Steven Seagal impersonator, getting his fool-ass whupped tryin’ to be THE MAN.

Finally back in the fight, the REAL Steven Seagal scoops up Screwface II and promptly flips him on his head.

FUCK YEAH!

With Screwface II now halfway across the room, Seagal takes this opportunity bad ass-ily recover his sword:

Now once again armed with their blades, Seagal and Captain Dreads once again square-off, with Screwface II predictably being the aggressor.

As with earlier in the fight though, Screwface II once again makes the mistake of stepping into range one of Seagal’s big mitts, thereby resulting in him taking a shot from the hilt of our hero’s sword.

Either Seagal's tryin' to pinch a loaf, or he just spit in Screwface II's face...

This discourages Screwface II, but ultimately doesn’t stop him from lunging forward with a sluggish and truly ugly thrust.

We all know what happens when you charge straight at Steven Seagal:

With the fight now taken to the dance floor, under the disco lights, Seagal and Screwface II take this opportunity to strike some flashy poses…

POSE.

Okay, maybe Seagal’s not really the best at posing, but whatever, a crazy stare counts.

Anyway, the 2 do some more of that sword-patty cake bullshit you see in movies all the time, until Seagal gets frustrated with his lack of hand-eye co-ordination and calls off the game:

Now, despite having just been cut down the middle of his face with a fuckin’ sword, Screwface II actually manages to tough it out pretty well.

Oh well, as they say:

Anyway, Screwface II’s sword gets knocked out of his hands, but even so he manages to battle back by charging Seagal with a bar table.

Screwface II used Bar Table! It's Super-Effective!

With Seagal now pinned against the wall, Screwface II proceeds to bash his opponent’s head against the pillar behind him.

That's not Seagal.

Nope. No way that's him. It's a fake. A lie. Bullshit.

After STUNT Seagal, (I refuse to believe Seagal took a hit in this fight…) gets his head bashed against the wall about 50 billion times, the REAL Seagal finally steps in and calls an end to the image-killing madness.

With one deft move, the REAL Seagal grabs hold of Screwface II’s face and…

Well, you’ll see:

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah, did I mention that this was where our #2 Best Overkill in Movies officially begins?

That being said, with Screwface II now eye-less, and therefore mostly helpless, Seagal decides to take his usual tactic of throwing his opponent into hard surfaces, and turn it up to 11:

Wow.

That was just about the coolest thing ever.

*AHEM!*

I stand corrected…

Anyway, once both fighters get to their feet, and by that I mean Steven Seagal grabs Screwface II by the hair and hauls his ass up, our Jamaican drug lord somehow summons the strength the throw a punch at Seagal.

While that might’ve worked on STUNT Seagal, this is the real deal we’re talkin’ about, so naturally the punch gets slipped quite handily.

With his opponent off balance, Seagal slips under Screwface II’s arm and grabs hold of his neck and package, and proceeds to snap that fucker over his knee like a popsicle stick:


Not to be outdone by himself in Out For Justice, Seagal decides to go for the gold and truly push the limits of overkill-ery.

With Screwface II now paralyzed, eye-less, and very likely already dead, Seagal takes the poor Jamaican clone and chucks his ass into a wall, again.

Corpse Desecration: An American Tradition...

Whoops, did I say “wall?”

I meant, “elevator shaft.”

"I'm reaaaaaady..... Ready for the big ride baby....."

That’s right folks, our overkill ends with a dude getting chucked down an elevator shaft.

Not only that, but when he finally hits the bottom, there’s a conveniently placed hunk of metal that serves to elevate this kill from a mere “fall,” to a full-fledged “falling impalement.”

Only thing that could make this better is if the elevator came down on him afterwards.

With that, our #2 Best Overkill in Movies comes to an end, but not before Steven Seagal plays us out with the classiest of one-liners:

HAHA!

Get it?

‘Cause they were twins?

Ah fuck, whaddah’ you know….

Tune in tomorrow for the long-awaited BEST OVERKILL IN MOVIES!!!!!!!

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #7: Universal Soldier

*Note: I am aware that they may be better overkills out there, but c’mon; this is Van Damme vs. Ivan Drago we’re talking about…*

Universal Soldier is not a good movie.

Hell, it’s not even a good Van Damme movie.

Despite this, I doubt any of us will forget the supermarket sequence,

"I kick ass, I kiss ass, and I'm busting heads!"

or watching Van Damme kick the shit out of truckers for absolutely no reason.

"Goddamnt, I'm just trying to eat this tray of popcorn!"

Anyway, this list isn’t about hero worship; it’s about overkill, so let’s get to it.

CLICK HERE FOR CLIP

The overkill in question occurs during the final battle of the film between the 2 crazy, roided-out Universal Soldiers of the title.

Well, maybe Van Damme isn’t, but Dolph is ‘roided out at this point anyway…

Everyone knows the 'roids grant the user He-Man hair...

Being as this is a Van Damme film, the first half of the fight belongs to the villain.

For several minutes straight, Dolph kicks the ever-loving shit out of Van Damme, making the stunt crew and wire team work for their money in the process.

Unfortunately, just as victory seems certain for the uber-Swede, he makes the BIG FUCKING MISTAKE of diverting his attention to Van Damme’s lady friend in the background.

By “diverting his attention,” of course, I mean “chucking a grenade up her ass.”

There are only 3 things in this world you don’t do when Van Damme’s in town.

First, you never throw white powder in his eyes.

That’ll get you kicked in the head, REPEATEDLY.

Second, you never, never, travel through time without the proper authority.

That’ll get your ass Ron Silver-ed.

Yes, that used to be Ron Silver before he touched himself...

And third, you never, ever, EVERRRR, ogle/threaten/rape/blow-up the woman that Van Damme is into, but isn’t actually in a legit relationship with on account of them not fucking, or not having known each other long enough for their feelings to amount to them wanting to fuck.

Seriously Dolph, you were home free until you chucked that grenade up that pretty ladies’ ass…

Jeez, Dolph. I know it was cool n'all, but get over it...

Not only that, but you know that fire your grenade just caused?

Well, it serves to give Van Damme ample opportunity to stand up heroically in front of it, thereby solidifying this part of the fight as his “comeback moment.”

Oh now you've gone and done it...

Needless to say, Van Damme gets back in the fight, managing to land his first noteworthy blows.

I like how 'roids somehow make kicks to the face hurt less.

Despite Van Damme’s angst/kicking power, there’s still the matter of Dolph’s ‘roid enhanced powers…

Due to the vast disparity in strength levels at this juncture, Van Damme still finds himself on the receiving end of a lot of downright silly Full Metal Jacket-esque taunts, in between eating a lot of Swedish knuckle-sandwiches, of course.

In fact, Dolph puts even his ass through a wall at one point.

Goddamn! Somebody ate their spinach...

No matter, Van Damme is in “comeback mode” at this point, thereby making any attacks only serve to enhance, rather than deplete his Belgian man-strength.

At some point, Van Damme manages to snatch an extra syringe of ‘roids off of Dolph’s tactical vest.

Van Damme: Teaching the kids that juicing's the only way to win...

Now, these ‘roids have to be just about the fastest acting chemical substance found on this Earth, as after no more than 5 seconds, Van Damme’s strength level seems to shoot right past ‘ole Dolph.

"Man, you're like half my size! What the fuck kinda' shit you shootin'!?"

With that, Dolph’s days of landing noteworthy blows, or even trying to defend himself come to an end, as things may as well have just shifted from the traditional martial arts movie “comeback mode,” to “Van Damme kicks people in the face mode.”

I'm beginning to see a theme here...

Needless to say, Dolph gets shown all 4 corners of the, uh, barn; and then some.

It all comes to a head when Van Damme gets a hold of Dolph and decides to throw technique and variation out the window in favor of throwing the same punch about 50 billion times.

IN THE FACE x50,000,000,000!!!

Seriously, virtually every drop of blood, and every bruise inflicted on the giga-Swede in this fight were the product of said punches, and seemingly nothing else.

Anyway, the Van Damminator gets his first bit of revenge by putting Dolph through a wall, thusly bringing the fight back outside into the rain.

This leads to a rather bizarre, and very childish bit of banter between the 2:

Well, that was productive.

Anyway, mass face-kicking ensues, resulting in Dolph falling backwards onto a harvester, and the true beginning to our #7 best overkill.

Here are the results of said fall:

Well now, we're regretting that little grenade toss earlier, right?

Wow, that’s a lot of holes!

As one would expect, Dolph doesn’t get up from that one.

Well, not in the traditional sense anyway.

Much like a Michael Myers/Jason Voorhees-style slasher, Dolph tries to trick Van Damme by playing dead, although it’s equally possible he simply passed out for a short time after, well, you saw.

I'm dead, soldier...

Anyway, with his un-impaled hand, Dolph grabs hold of the back of Van Damme’s head, and in one final attempt to finally make our hero a “dead soldier,” tries to pull Van Damme’s face into the harvester blade protruding from his own chest.

Bro'mance at it's most intimate...

If that’s not savage, I don’t know what is.

Unfortunately, Van Damme still has some of that ‘roid sauce in his blood, thusly allowing him to deftly snap the big Swede’s forearm out of place.

I know I said it before, but your arm really isn't supposed to bend that way.

Being as Dolph is still impaled and stuck to the harvester blades, and now has no operational limbs, I’d say his threat level just dropped to zero.

Even so, Van Damme doesn’t like loose ends, so being as this is a 90’s action flick, he runs on over to the power switch for the harvester, and unflinchingly turns that sucker on!

While we aren’t treated to the gloriously gory details of the Swedish slice-o-matic extravaganza,, we do bear witness to a tasty little tidbit of the carnage in the form of a shot of the harvester’s expulsion duct blowing bits and chunks of Dolph out into the night sky.

Rest assured, the next harvest on this particular farm will grow inordinately large and blond from the trickle-down effect of laying Dolph’s liquified form onto the fields…

Oh yeah, and it turns out the chick didn’t get blown up.

Fuckin’ figures…

BUTT.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #8: Freddy vs. Jason

In case you haven’t noticed as of yet, the bottom tier of our Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies list is largely made up of odd and/or controversial kills.

In keeping with this trend, #8 is from Freddy vs. Jason, a slasher movie.

Though one would think that overkill would be commonplace among slasher films, in my experience; this is simply not the case.

Slasher movie kills tend to be gory and over the top, but rarely enacted in the prolonged manner that would suggest overkill.

That being said, while I have a decent background with slasher and horror flicks, I am no expert; so I would like to take this opportunity to apologize if my choice of overkill is not best example the genre has to offer.

All formalities and introductions aside, let’s get to overkill #8: Jason Voorhees killing the ever-living fuck out of a young man named Trey.

Now, what we have here, is the classic: “dude chilling in bed with a beer while his woman’s in the shower, only for Jason to show up and wreck his shit like no other.”

Okay, maybe it’s not a “classic” per se, but seriously man; Jason goes to town on this guy like he stole from him or some shit.

Let’s run a play-by-play:

Trey’s layin’ in bed, watchin’ the game; havin’ a Bud’, nothin’ special,

Man, you better hope that's one TASTY fuckin' beer, 'cause you don't know it, but that's just about the last thing you're gonna' enjoy in life...

then outta’ fuckin’ nowhere, an exceptionally zombie-like and rotted to shit Jason FUCKIN’ Voorhees appears right in middle of his bedroom, lit by a conveniently timed thunderclap!

Man, is it just me; or does he look bored out of his mind?

Gaping in horror at the modern spectre of walking -fucking-death looming over him, trademark machete at the ready; Trey does what any self-respecting man in his position would do:

First he screams like a little bitch,

LIKE A LITTLE BITCH.

and then rolls over onto his stomach.

In the Animal Kingdom, this is what's known as presenting rearward. Either that or being dead. Seriously man, that ain't right...

Hang on, what?

Now, I don’t know what sort of kinky shit Trey and his girlfriend were into, but where I come from; turning your back to a machete, or any danger for that matter; is never a good idea.

It only serves to give those who may be wielding said machetes ideas as to where they could “insert” such instruments.

Thankfully Mr. Voorhees is not as creative as the Azn Badger, otherwise this overkill would probably have to be ranked #1.

No, instead, Jason decides to the go the more traditional route, and simply ram his machete up and down, repeatedly; into poor Trey’s back and spine like he’s playin’ “Jerk-Off the Elephant” on the mother fuckin’ Wii.

Yes, I went there.

By my count, Mr. Voorhees rams that sucker into that that, uh, fucker, no less than 12 times.

To say that Jason gets a little carried away with the machete ass-rape is, of course, not doing this particular episode justice.

In and out... In and out... In and out.....

Cut to Trey’s girlfriend in the shower looking off in the distance, quizzically.

"What's that? I sense... machete rape."

Somehow I doubt this particular lady even knows what the word “quizzical” means.

Anyway, after being impaled about a dozen times or so, Trey’s very likely recently expired form lies on the bed doing that which he undoubtedly valued most in life:

Holding a cold beer.

Seriously, for whatever reason; we’re given a random shot of Trey clutching a beer like it’s the fuckin’ Holy Grail or some shit.

"He did not choose wisely..."

Trey twitches for a bit, and it would seem the deed has been done.

No, as fate would have it, on this particular night; the typically straight-laced and almost German-ly efficiency minded Jason Vorhees, was struck with a sense of artistic inspiration.

With that, Mr. Voorhees plants his machete into the floor, and prepares to put the finishing touches on his masterpiece of overkill-ery…

DUDE!!!!

Seriously man, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME!

Who the fuck knows why Jason had to do that to poor Trent, but count me among the people that are glad he did!

Honestly folks, that is the definition of overkill.

Doing the deed, but going the extra mile to make it something special.

Kind of like an extended session of two-player Elephant Jerk-Off on the Wii…

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