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Azn Badger’s Top 5 Songs That Keep Him From Stabbing People (Korean Edition)

Hello all, and welcome to another edition of the Azn Badger’s Top 5 Songs That Keep Him From Stabbing People!

Last time around we tackled the Top 5 Japanese songs, and in keeping with the “Azn” portion of the title of this blog; today we’ll be delving into the realm of Korean music!

Before we begin, let me just say this:

I don’t speak Korean.

I know how to answer a phone, say “thank you,” and rattle off a handful of ethnic slurs, but that’s just about all the Korean I know.

Huh, that’d be one hell of a phone conversation:

“Hello?  You *bleepity bleepin’ BLEEP*!  Thank you! *CLICK!*”

Anyway, my interest in Korean songs springs almost entirely from hanging out with my Korean (between the 2 of us, we refer to Koreans as “Krns” pronounced “Kerns”) buddy from up the street.

He used to have an extensive library of Krn music, much of which I acquired from him at one time or another.

As a result, much of my favorite Krn songs are slightly outdated, being that they’re from the early 2000’s.

That being said, let’s get to the music:

5. Freaky Game 108 – Soul Dive


This song was one I stumbled across about a year ago when I was perusing an Azn music forum for new tunes.

I got a lot of great music out of that forum, and Freaky Game 108 was one of my favorites.

The album as a whole was shitty, but the one song was pretty freakin’ sweet.

Regardless, I love the pumping, almost dance track-like beat of this song, coupled with the rap style lyrics.

Like every other song on this list, I don’t have a fuckin’ clue as to what the lyrics entail; however this has never been a problem for me as long as the tune is good.

Remember, I’m a hummer not a singer.

4. Get Them Hands Up – 1TYM


I fuckin’ love 1TYM.

Ever since my Krn buddy and I used to pretend we were cool by cruising around in high school blasting their music through the speakers of his Corolla, 1TYM has been one of my favorite Krn music groups.

Sure they’re “happy rappers.”

Sure they look ridiculous.

Sure they’re a shitty rap group that were popular for 5 minutes.

Despite all that, I’ve got more of their tracks in my library than any other Krn band, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Of those tracks, Get Them Hands Up is easily my favorite, right next to “Hello!”

It’s got an awesome and fairly intricate beat, a nice flow; and most important of all, one of the catchiest and most satisfying choruses I’ve ever heard.

Seriously, I can’t recite it worth shit, but you better believe I’ve caught myself trying to in the shower every now and again.

3. The Last Scene – Roller Coaster


This song is what my Krn buddy and I used to refer to as the “Abercrombie and Fitch” song.

I dare you to listen to this song without picturing, even for a moment; a fuckin’ clothing commercial or fashion exhibition.

It just fits too well.

Despite this, the toe-tapping, yet surprisingly mellow beat, coupled with the smooth, yet vaguely emotionless voice of the lead singer, make for a song that as easy to lounge to, as it is to cruise down the highway to.

It’s a wonderful song, and is actually one of the very few mellow tunes that I keep on my Ipod.

2. Jeez! – B2Y


Jeez! was another song that I acquired from that one Azn music forum awhile back.

As a 2 girl, 2 boy band, B2Y is just what you’d expect:

A generic Azn pop group.

Despite the stigma surrounding this, (one that I happen to subscribe to in most cases) I’ve gotta’ say, Jeez! is a really fun song.

Just like 175R’s Yume De Aeta Nara from the other day, Jeez! is very much a disco-pop song, although in this case the disco element is very much at the forefront of things.

In my book, that’s a very good thing.

The energy of this song is just so goddamn cotton candy sweet, that’s it hard for me to think of any legitimate reason why anyone wouldn’t like it.

Oh yeah, and did I mention is has a really fuckin’ catchy chorus?

1. Champion – PSY


FUCK YES.

Beverly Hills Cop beat + Silly Krn lyrics = KRN GOLD.

From what my Krn buddy told me, Champion was just about the biggest fuckin’ song EVER when it first came out in Korea.

Honestly, I forget how I ran across Champion, but boy am I glad I did.

It’s kind of funny though, my favorite version of this song is actually a sped-up remix, however I wasn’t able to find it to share with you guys.

Oh well, the original version is epic enough as is I suppose…

Let it be known:

Any home graced with the sounds of Champion, shall henceforth be known as a “stab-free zone.”

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #4: The Last House on the Left (2009)

#4 on our list of the Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies comes from the 2009 remake of the 1972 Wes Craven horror film, The Last House on the Left.

While both films are remembered in the annals of horror film history mostly for their graphic rape sequences, (and little else) the remake has the distinction of having some truly brutal kills to go along with them.

The basic concept of both films is based around the rather unique idea of incorporating a role-reversal in a horror film, involving a couple of (initially) totally innocent parents, turning heel and going balls-out psychopath on a group of rapists/murderers that sexually assaulted their daughter.

That being said, the overkill in question involves the parent’s revenge on a member of the trio of rapists/murderers, Francis, played by Aaron Paul, who looks a whole helluva’ lot like an uglier version of Justin Chatwin AKA Goku from the live-action Dragonball: Evolution.

Goddamn! Both of these guys could give Jennifer Garner a run for her money in the "high-forehead" category!

For the purposes of this article, Francis shall henceforth be referred to as “Goku.”

Anyway, enough talk, let’s get to the overkill:

At this point in the film, the daughter has just dragged herself across a lake, through the woods, and back into her parent’s house, thusly revealing to them the devilish nature of the group of strangers presently taking up residence in their home.

Our overkill begins immediately after an uncomfortable sequence wherein the mom, played by Monica Potter, pretends to come on to Goku with the promise of wine and sex so as to divert his attention away from some family photos on the fridge.

For reasons I honestly don’t remember, Goku walks into the living room, and happens upon the shivering and terrified form of the young girl he helped rape just a few hours ago.

Taking advantage of Goku’s epiphanic moment of incredulity, Mrs. Potter sneaks up behind his Saiyan-ass and bashes him in the back of the skull with a wine bottle.

There's the wine, but where's the sex?

Being as he was caught off guard, and was  thusly unable to summon his ki to put up a protective barrier, Goku is pretty well rattled by the blow to the head.

Even so, he manages to keep his wits about him and chase Mrs. Cameron Poe into the kitchen.

Unfortunately, the wife of Poe grabs hold of a kitchen knife, and though she doesn’t have enough time to lash out and strike with it; Goku proves to be shit-headed enough to walk right into the business end of it anyway.

Undoubtedly in a great deal of pain as a result of the recent addition of a new hole in his torso, Goku does one of those goofy back and forth glances where his face is all like:

With Mrs. Poe still coming to grips with the idea that she is in fact, trying to kill Goku, she is momentarily taken aback following the accidental stabbing.

Goku takes this opportunity to stumble around the kitchen with the knife still lodged in his chest, only to forcefully extricate it a few seconds later.

Not like he was in any sort of hurry or anything,

It's like Christmas except... No, actually it's nothing like Christmas.

Now armed with the very knife he was just shanked with, Goku takes it upon himself to rush Mrs. Poe and shove her ass onto the dining room table for a savage beatdown.

Well, that’s probably what he was hoping to do.

Unfortunate for him, he really only gets to call her a “bitch,” and smack her in the face maybe once before Mrs. Poe kicks him in the Jimmy and crawls back into the kitchen.

Well, at least I think that's a kick to the Jimmy. Kind of hard to see...

Despite the kick to the Jimmy, being as he is still armed with the kitchen knife, Goku is still very much the aggressor in this particular conflict.

Thankfully though, Mrs. Poe is greeted by the sight of her husband, (sadly, not Nicholas Cage…) who calmly extends to her a hand in a Terminator-esque gesture of aid.

"Come with me if you want to live."

I suppose it also helps that her husband is played by that no eye-browed tool from The Last Samurai (Tony Goldwyn).

Watching this man get a sword thrown through his torso was fuckin' awesome.

Anyway, Goku comes charging into the kitchen with knife at ready only to be smacked across the face with a hammer.

Goddamn shaky-cam bullshit. Can't even tell what just hit him...

At least I think that’s what happened.

The very Bourne-esque cinematography makes it kind of hard to tell what actually happened.

Regardless, Goku; in a desperate bid for survival, gets up and chucks what looks like a fancy toaster into the face of the Man with No-Eyebrows.
Once again capitalizing on the shock and confusion generated by his actions, Goku runs out of the kitchen and into the dining room again, this time in an attempt to call for help to his compatriots in the guest house next door.

Unfortunately, the crazy fucking storm going on at the time prevents anyone from hearing his pleas for help, ultimately resulting in Captain No-Brows catching up to him and grabbing hold of the poor guy’s previously broken nose.

Out of context, it almost looks like someone's trying to help him with a bloody nose...

It should be noted that ‘ole Brow-less is in fact a doctor in this movie, one who was actually responsible for treating said nose injury.

IRONY.

With that, Dr. No-Brows puts Goku in a choke-hold and drags his ass, kicking and screaming, back into the kitchen.

Man, whoever did the blocking for this movie needs a dick slap from Michael Clarke Duncan or some shit.

Clearly, Mr. Duncan here approves of said punishment...

Once again back in the kitchen, the good doctor is suddenly struck with a jolt of inspiration taken straight from the Seagal-ian school of revenge.

Needless to say, Dr. No-Brows takes Goku and chucks his ass into a fuckin’ chair:

Man, I'm gettin' flashbacks from #5...

Dragging himself across the kitchen floor and over to the sink, Goku almost manages to get to his feet before Mrs. Poe jumps his ass and starts, well, pulling his hair or some shit.

Either he's about to get a shampoo at the hairdresser's, or he's about to get OVERKILLED.

Seriously man, I know she was supposed to be trying to dunk his head into the sink, but really it just kind of seems like she’s outright blanking on what she should be trying to do.

Anyway, Mrs. Poe proceeds to do what she can to try and drown Goku, however, as tends to be the case whenever Goku is involved, he proves to be too strong to succumb to such an attack.

Thankfully, No-Brows shows up and lends a hand, resulting in the 2 parents exchanging a MEANINGFUL glance between one another:

"Hey, you wanna' watch Bloodsport after this?"

"Take me NOW, you sexy brow-less hunk of man-meat..."

Despite Goku’s head now being very much underwater, Doc Brow-Less once again takes it upon himself to access his more creative instincts as he reaches across the counter and flicks on the sink’s garbage disposal.

Either their sink was clogged with beets and tomatoes, or that man's hand is in the drain...

Now, despite the fact that the 2 parents clearly had Goku’s head fully submerged with little fuss, for whatever reason it seems like they ease up on him just for the sake of watching him scream like a… Well, like a dude with his hand caught in a garbage disposal.

Behold: Goku's "I got my hand caught in the drain" face.

Anyway, like pretty much any man on the planet, Goku starts tweakin’ like the mother of all mother fuckers.

Seriously man, he goes into convulsions, he screams, I’m guessing he shits himself, and all because he thought it would be a good idea to shove his hand down the drain while people were trying to kill him.

I don’t know, maybe he saw a shrimp down there or something…

Anyway, amid all the chaos, we are treated to a truly horrendous shot of Goku’s skinny jeans:

Gives the chills every time I see ’em…

Now, a good thing to keep in mind when watching this sequence, is the fact that we spend a whole helluva long time watching this guy freak out at the sink.

Seriously, this whole overkill is about 3 minutes long, and a little more than 30 seconds of it are solely devoted to Goku losing his shit and most of his hand.

Anyway, after standing around like an idiot for the past half minute or so, Doc Brow-Less FINALLY wakes the fuck up and grabs hold of the hammer he dropped previously.

You can thank the toaster to the face for making him drop it earlier.

Summoning the last of the savage man-strength imparted to him via the astral form of Steven Seagal, Doc Brow-Less heaves the hammer up over his head, and drives the claw end of the hammer into the back of Goku’s skull and into his brain.

So, after a good 3 and a half minutes of overkill-ery, we finally reach the end via a claw hammer shot to the brain.

This was just #4 folks.

Lots more brutality and awesomeness and/or brutal-awesomeness to come!

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #5: Out For Justice

Really, how could we have a discussion about overkill without mentioning Steven Seagal?

Seriously, half of the man’s success as an action star stemmed from his propensity for protracted, and gloriously savage kill sessions at the end of his earlier (and better) movies.

Almost makes you forget that he runs like a feeb:

Hell, I bet half of you didn’t even know he could run.

Anyway, as #5 on our list of the Top 10  Best Overkills in Movies; it needn’t be mentioned that the end fight of Out For Justice is a truly exceptional overkill; even by Seagal-ian standards:

The overkill in question takes place during the climactic confrontation between Seagal’s Gino Felino, and a massively bloated William Forsythe’s Richie Madano.

Honestly man, I don’t know what the fuck was up with Forsythe in this movie, as I can’t really recall having seen him in anything earlier than this movie, but Jesus-fuck he was HUGE.

Goddamn! Even his head is fat!

Anyway, this particular overkill gets brownie points due to dramatic tension between the 2 characters.

Did I really just use the phrase “dramatic tension” in regards to a Seagal movie?

What I mean to say, is that the whole movie is essentially about Seagal chasing Forsythe, who killed the former’s partner and is otherwise guilty of being a crackhead, a homicidal maniac, and for being fucking HUGE when his character is supposed to be on the crack.

Pictured: The APPROPRIATE appearance of a crackhead.

Things come to a head as Seagal finally catches up to Forsythe as the latter is living it up at a house party.

Casey-Fucking-Ryback, I mean, Steven Seagal; of course, crashes the party like the massive tool that he is, and manages to kill off Richie’s entire gang despite taking a nasty bullet to the gut.

Cracked out of his mind, Forsythe makes the rather foolish decision to march out into the open to greet Seagal, citing the fact that he is out of bullets, and thusly should be placed under arrest.

Don't worry, he's out of bullets. Hey, I said this was an "overkill," right?

Seagal?  Doing actual police work?

Not bloody likely!

Oh wait...

With the atmosphere in the room rife with the man-stank of impending physical conflict, Forsythe rushes Seagal, and the overkill officially begins.

As does Richie Madano’s lesson in futility.

Protip: Don’t try to fight Steven Seagal.

Or at the very least, thrown into a shit ton of hard surfaces and/or furniture.

With his prey laying in shambles on the floor, Seagal readies himself by spreading his arms and attempting to pinch a loaf right then and there.

Don't try an' tell me ain't Seagal's "droppin' a deuce" face.

Still reeling from the savagery of Seagal’s uber-savage aikido throw, Forsythe eventually manages to pick himself up and…

Attempts to bum-rush Seagal for the 2nd time in a row.

Despite the epic-savagery of the first aikido toss, the 2nd manages to top it in spades, as this time Forsythe’s spine gets a nasty readjustment via a conveniently placed nightstand.

On the side we also get a nice shot of the diaper/back pad that Forsythe was wearing for this scene, probably to keep from shitting himself in awe of the sheer epicry that was 1990’s Steven Seagal.

So let’s recap:

Forsythe: 0.  JUSTICE: 2.

Despite the odds being heavily stacked against him, to his credit; Forsythe manages to pull a fast one on ‘ole Stevie.

As Seagal is picking Forsythe up from the floor, presumably to prep him for another trip to Ikea hell; the fat man somehow summons the strength to send the both of them through the nearby hand-railing, and off the balcony!

Okay, maybe that wasn’t as epic as I made it out to be, but give me a break; this is just about the only successful attack Forsythe manages to pull off in this fight.

Scrambling to their feet, the 2 men once again lock-up and grapple with one another.

That is, only if you call Steven Seagal grabbing William Forsythe by the head and kneeing him in the face “grappling.”

He's actually trying to crush the guy's head like an egg, but turns out it was too fat.

Stunned, but not terribly injured, Forsythe stumbles back against the wall, and proceeds to totally lose his shit as he makes the meanest of mean faces and tosses a fuckin’ shelf at Seagal.

Now, based on what’s come before, what kind of shit do you think Forsythe tries to pull this time?

If you said, “low blow,” or “a steel chair shot,” then good for you, it show’s your thinking.

Unfortunately, you’d also be

’cause no, Forsythe tries to charge Seagal, for the third time in a row.

This of course, results in more aikido tossing and furniture realignment.

You can almost hear Forsythe shitting himself...

His face now covered in blood, Forsythe finally decides to change up his tactics a little, this time throwing a punch at Seagal.

This of course results in Seagal blocking said punch and returning it with a swift combination of punches, topped off by a tasty kick to the Jimmy.

Protip: DON’T try to fight Steven Seagal.

After a pretty savage stomp on the head, Forsythe somehow manages to reach up from the floor to thumb the shit out of Seagal’s gut wound from earlier in the movie.

Yeeouch! A fat thumb in his fat gut...

Despite the white-hot, searing pain that said sausage-thumb in his gut must bring him, Seagal summons all of his man-strength and grabs hold of Forsythe’s neck runs his ass backwards a few yards and into the kitchen.

Remember, NOBODY beats him in the kitchen.

After chucking Forsythe into a nearby table, Seagal once again readies himself with another impromptu giga-deuce.

Gonna' have to change those pants...

Thus begins the stage of the fight where Seagal’s opponent grows desperate and begins grabbing hold of whatever blunt instuments/bladed objects are readily available, only to have said weapons turned against them.

SAVAGELY.

Forsythe’s first attempt in using said tactic, is to grab hold of a kitchen knife, and start winging it around like a damn fool.

This of course results in Seagal grabbing hold of Forsythe’s arm, and wrenching his wrist out of place.

Funny, almost looks like he's tryin' to teach him how to use it or some shit...

With his wrist now considerably FUCKED, Forsythe’s next bid for victory employs the use of the deadliest of all kitchen utensils:

A pepper mill.

Despite the inherent intimidation factor involved in waving around a pepper mill, Forsythe once again fails to make any sort of contact with his attacks.

Disarming him, and knocking Forysthe’s fat ass to the floor AGAIN, Seagal follows this up by putting the obese fuck’s head through the nearest window.

Gettin' kinda' fucked up there, aren't yah' Forsythe?

Sliding down the windowsill, and back into the kitchen, Forsythe’s scrambles to his feet and grabs hold of Seagal’s sleeve, only to be clubbed over the head with, *GASP* the pepper mill!

Somehow, some way, Forsythe manages to survive the devastating blow from the pepper mill.

Forsythe’s next weapon of choice proves to a classic of kitchen warfare: a frying pan.

Unfortunately, he only really gets to swing it once before Seagal slips behind him, snatches the pan, and bashes the poor fat bastard over the head with it.

How the fuck does he keep gettin' up!?

Now, let it be known, Steven Seagal is not a punchy/kicky kind of guy.

As mentioned previously, his fighting generally consists of throwing people into things/people, but seldom does he ever find a need to throw a punch.

That being said, after the knife, pepper mill, and frying pan, Seagal get a little overconfident, and decides to uncork some of the wimpiest punches of his long career on Forsythe’s face.

It's like watching a fat old man try to Jazzercise or some shit...

Speaking of “uncork,” as Forsythe lies on the floor, chuckling at the fanciful display of feeble combination punching just unleashed on his face, he very slowly begins to make a move for a corkscrew/wine opener!

Shit just got real.

As Forsythe hobbles to his feet, muttering an ominous “fuck you,” we enter the grand finale of our #5 Best Overkill sequence.

With one deft move, Seagal evades Forsyth’s lunge with the corkscrew/wine opener; and promptly jams that fucker into the fat fuck’s face:

Yup, that'd do it.

Thus concludes our decidedly Seagal-ian overkill.

Oh yeah, it should also be noted that, moments after finally killing Forsythe, Seagal also takes the time to shoot the ever-loving-fuck out of the poor fattie’s dead body, ’cause you know; the plot.

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #7: Universal Soldier

*Note: I am aware that they may be better overkills out there, but c’mon; this is Van Damme vs. Ivan Drago we’re talking about…*

Universal Soldier is not a good movie.

Hell, it’s not even a good Van Damme movie.

Despite this, I doubt any of us will forget the supermarket sequence,

"I kick ass, I kiss ass, and I'm busting heads!"

or watching Van Damme kick the shit out of truckers for absolutely no reason.

"Goddamnt, I'm just trying to eat this tray of popcorn!"

Anyway, this list isn’t about hero worship; it’s about overkill, so let’s get to it.

CLICK HERE FOR CLIP

The overkill in question occurs during the final battle of the film between the 2 crazy, roided-out Universal Soldiers of the title.

Well, maybe Van Damme isn’t, but Dolph is ‘roided out at this point anyway…

Everyone knows the 'roids grant the user He-Man hair...

Being as this is a Van Damme film, the first half of the fight belongs to the villain.

For several minutes straight, Dolph kicks the ever-loving shit out of Van Damme, making the stunt crew and wire team work for their money in the process.

Unfortunately, just as victory seems certain for the uber-Swede, he makes the BIG FUCKING MISTAKE of diverting his attention to Van Damme’s lady friend in the background.

By “diverting his attention,” of course, I mean “chucking a grenade up her ass.”

There are only 3 things in this world you don’t do when Van Damme’s in town.

First, you never throw white powder in his eyes.

That’ll get you kicked in the head, REPEATEDLY.

Second, you never, never, travel through time without the proper authority.

That’ll get your ass Ron Silver-ed.

Yes, that used to be Ron Silver before he touched himself...

And third, you never, ever, EVERRRR, ogle/threaten/rape/blow-up the woman that Van Damme is into, but isn’t actually in a legit relationship with on account of them not fucking, or not having known each other long enough for their feelings to amount to them wanting to fuck.

Seriously Dolph, you were home free until you chucked that grenade up that pretty ladies’ ass…

Jeez, Dolph. I know it was cool n'all, but get over it...

Not only that, but you know that fire your grenade just caused?

Well, it serves to give Van Damme ample opportunity to stand up heroically in front of it, thereby solidifying this part of the fight as his “comeback moment.”

Oh now you've gone and done it...

Needless to say, Van Damme gets back in the fight, managing to land his first noteworthy blows.

I like how 'roids somehow make kicks to the face hurt less.

Despite Van Damme’s angst/kicking power, there’s still the matter of Dolph’s ‘roid enhanced powers…

Due to the vast disparity in strength levels at this juncture, Van Damme still finds himself on the receiving end of a lot of downright silly Full Metal Jacket-esque taunts, in between eating a lot of Swedish knuckle-sandwiches, of course.

In fact, Dolph puts even his ass through a wall at one point.

Goddamn! Somebody ate their spinach...

No matter, Van Damme is in “comeback mode” at this point, thereby making any attacks only serve to enhance, rather than deplete his Belgian man-strength.

At some point, Van Damme manages to snatch an extra syringe of ‘roids off of Dolph’s tactical vest.

Van Damme: Teaching the kids that juicing's the only way to win...

Now, these ‘roids have to be just about the fastest acting chemical substance found on this Earth, as after no more than 5 seconds, Van Damme’s strength level seems to shoot right past ‘ole Dolph.

"Man, you're like half my size! What the fuck kinda' shit you shootin'!?"

With that, Dolph’s days of landing noteworthy blows, or even trying to defend himself come to an end, as things may as well have just shifted from the traditional martial arts movie “comeback mode,” to “Van Damme kicks people in the face mode.”

I'm beginning to see a theme here...

Needless to say, Dolph gets shown all 4 corners of the, uh, barn; and then some.

It all comes to a head when Van Damme gets a hold of Dolph and decides to throw technique and variation out the window in favor of throwing the same punch about 50 billion times.

IN THE FACE x50,000,000,000!!!

Seriously, virtually every drop of blood, and every bruise inflicted on the giga-Swede in this fight were the product of said punches, and seemingly nothing else.

Anyway, the Van Damminator gets his first bit of revenge by putting Dolph through a wall, thusly bringing the fight back outside into the rain.

This leads to a rather bizarre, and very childish bit of banter between the 2:

Well, that was productive.

Anyway, mass face-kicking ensues, resulting in Dolph falling backwards onto a harvester, and the true beginning to our #7 best overkill.

Here are the results of said fall:

Well now, we're regretting that little grenade toss earlier, right?

Wow, that’s a lot of holes!

As one would expect, Dolph doesn’t get up from that one.

Well, not in the traditional sense anyway.

Much like a Michael Myers/Jason Voorhees-style slasher, Dolph tries to trick Van Damme by playing dead, although it’s equally possible he simply passed out for a short time after, well, you saw.

I'm dead, soldier...

Anyway, with his un-impaled hand, Dolph grabs hold of the back of Van Damme’s head, and in one final attempt to finally make our hero a “dead soldier,” tries to pull Van Damme’s face into the harvester blade protruding from his own chest.

Bro'mance at it's most intimate...

If that’s not savage, I don’t know what is.

Unfortunately, Van Damme still has some of that ‘roid sauce in his blood, thusly allowing him to deftly snap the big Swede’s forearm out of place.

I know I said it before, but your arm really isn't supposed to bend that way.

Being as Dolph is still impaled and stuck to the harvester blades, and now has no operational limbs, I’d say his threat level just dropped to zero.

Even so, Van Damme doesn’t like loose ends, so being as this is a 90’s action flick, he runs on over to the power switch for the harvester, and unflinchingly turns that sucker on!

While we aren’t treated to the gloriously gory details of the Swedish slice-o-matic extravaganza,, we do bear witness to a tasty little tidbit of the carnage in the form of a shot of the harvester’s expulsion duct blowing bits and chunks of Dolph out into the night sky.

Rest assured, the next harvest on this particular farm will grow inordinately large and blond from the trickle-down effect of laying Dolph’s liquified form onto the fields…

Oh yeah, and it turns out the chick didn’t get blown up.

Fuckin’ figures…

BUTT.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #8: Freddy vs. Jason

In case you haven’t noticed as of yet, the bottom tier of our Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies list is largely made up of odd and/or controversial kills.

In keeping with this trend, #8 is from Freddy vs. Jason, a slasher movie.

Though one would think that overkill would be commonplace among slasher films, in my experience; this is simply not the case.

Slasher movie kills tend to be gory and over the top, but rarely enacted in the prolonged manner that would suggest overkill.

That being said, while I have a decent background with slasher and horror flicks, I am no expert; so I would like to take this opportunity to apologize if my choice of overkill is not best example the genre has to offer.

All formalities and introductions aside, let’s get to overkill #8: Jason Voorhees killing the ever-living fuck out of a young man named Trey.

Now, what we have here, is the classic: “dude chilling in bed with a beer while his woman’s in the shower, only for Jason to show up and wreck his shit like no other.”

Okay, maybe it’s not a “classic” per se, but seriously man; Jason goes to town on this guy like he stole from him or some shit.

Let’s run a play-by-play:

Trey’s layin’ in bed, watchin’ the game; havin’ a Bud’, nothin’ special,

Man, you better hope that's one TASTY fuckin' beer, 'cause you don't know it, but that's just about the last thing you're gonna' enjoy in life...

then outta’ fuckin’ nowhere, an exceptionally zombie-like and rotted to shit Jason FUCKIN’ Voorhees appears right in middle of his bedroom, lit by a conveniently timed thunderclap!

Man, is it just me; or does he look bored out of his mind?

Gaping in horror at the modern spectre of walking -fucking-death looming over him, trademark machete at the ready; Trey does what any self-respecting man in his position would do:

First he screams like a little bitch,

LIKE A LITTLE BITCH.

and then rolls over onto his stomach.

In the Animal Kingdom, this is what's known as presenting rearward. Either that or being dead. Seriously man, that ain't right...

Hang on, what?

Now, I don’t know what sort of kinky shit Trey and his girlfriend were into, but where I come from; turning your back to a machete, or any danger for that matter; is never a good idea.

It only serves to give those who may be wielding said machetes ideas as to where they could “insert” such instruments.

Thankfully Mr. Voorhees is not as creative as the Azn Badger, otherwise this overkill would probably have to be ranked #1.

No, instead, Jason decides to the go the more traditional route, and simply ram his machete up and down, repeatedly; into poor Trey’s back and spine like he’s playin’ “Jerk-Off the Elephant” on the mother fuckin’ Wii.

Yes, I went there.

By my count, Mr. Voorhees rams that sucker into that that, uh, fucker, no less than 12 times.

To say that Jason gets a little carried away with the machete ass-rape is, of course, not doing this particular episode justice.

In and out... In and out... In and out.....

Cut to Trey’s girlfriend in the shower looking off in the distance, quizzically.

"What's that? I sense... machete rape."

Somehow I doubt this particular lady even knows what the word “quizzical” means.

Anyway, after being impaled about a dozen times or so, Trey’s very likely recently expired form lies on the bed doing that which he undoubtedly valued most in life:

Holding a cold beer.

Seriously, for whatever reason; we’re given a random shot of Trey clutching a beer like it’s the fuckin’ Holy Grail or some shit.

"He did not choose wisely..."

Trey twitches for a bit, and it would seem the deed has been done.

No, as fate would have it, on this particular night; the typically straight-laced and almost German-ly efficiency minded Jason Vorhees, was struck with a sense of artistic inspiration.

With that, Mr. Voorhees plants his machete into the floor, and prepares to put the finishing touches on his masterpiece of overkill-ery…

DUDE!!!!

Seriously man, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME!

Who the fuck knows why Jason had to do that to poor Trent, but count me among the people that are glad he did!

Honestly folks, that is the definition of overkill.

Doing the deed, but going the extra mile to make it something special.

Kind of like an extended session of two-player Elephant Jerk-Off on the Wii…

Filed under: Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #10: The Punisher (2004)

“Overkill.”

In my book, overkill in movies specifically refers to an instance in which one particular individual is killed until they die from it to the point of utter absurdity.

In other words, if the general audience reaction isn’t on par with this:

Then it probably doesn’t qualify as overkill.

That being said, this new  series of posts is going to dedicated to presenting you people with the Top 10 Best Overkills in movie history.

First on our list, is the relatively tame, but good enough for a #10 spot comic book action flick: The Punisher.

CLICK HERE FOR CLIP – For the overkill in question, skip to 3:45.

Okay, so the setup for this scene, is that this blond, Tobin Bell lookin’ mother fucker got in The Punisher’s way when he was trying to rescue his wife and son, and so by the time we reach the end of the movie, and The Punisher has in fact become THE PUNISHER, he’s definitely got an itch to get this Arian piece of fuck back for what he did.

Being as this dude is in fact an “ugly henchman,” with a brain roughly the size of a walnut, he of course makes the brilliant tactical decision to enter in the combat by shooting The Punisher IN HIS KEVLAR VEST not once, but twice.

Seriously, at point blank range he doesn’t even think to maybe aim for head at least once?

Anyway, The Punisher of course; isn’t happy about this, so he promptly socks the blond dude in the face, grabs hold of the shotgun, and uses it to blow the dude’s foot off.

Yup that's the face I make too when I lose a foot...

A nice start, but I think ‘ole Frank can do better…

With that, The Punisher bashes the blond dude’s head against the wall, and then the 2 go into one of those awkward, not quite strangling, not quite grappling, manly groping sessions.

Before things can get too fruity though, The Punisher decides to reinforce his heterosexuality by grabbing hold of the blond dude’s arm, and wrenching it out of place.

Yeah, pretty sure your arm isn't supposed to bend that way...

With the blond dude’s face now permanently locked in a comical expression of over-the-top pain, and half of his limbs pretty much immobilized, The Punisher takes this opportunity to take a step back and get a little creative with his overkill.

For seemingly no reason other than to by himself some time to think up a pimp-ass way to fatally, uh, “punish” the sad sack piece of fuck standing before him, The Punisher pins the dude’s arm to his own hip, and then stabs a knife through the guy’s palm.

You know that knife game Bishop played in Aliens? Well, this guy wasn't very good at that game...

This of course causes the blond piece of fuck to make just about the goofiest face imaginable:

That's a direct quote by the way.

With the dude now goofy faced, lacking mobility in half of his extremities, and stuck with his hand on his hip like a pissed off mother, The Punisher is finally struck with the inspiration he needs to complete his masterpiece of overkill-ery.

Feeling an urge keep things going with his knife motif, The Punisher then removes the knife from the dude’s palm/hip, and then rams it up underneath the dude’s jaw, through his tongue, and into his brain.

Yeeouch! That'd kill yah'!

With his tapestry of overkill-ery finally complete, The Punisher leaves the blond dude to make gurgling noises and slide down the wall as he stomps off to chase Babe Ruth’s single season homerun record, kill John Travolta, blow up giant sharks, squish giant spiders, and fuck middle-aged women with his massive dong.

Oh wait, that’s Thomas Jane’s career.

Anyway, that’s the first overkill of our Top 10 list folks.

I’ll probably catch some flack over this one because it wasn’t particularly bloody, or even graphic for that matter, but think of it this way:

We watched The Punisher kill this blond bastard for 30 whole seconds.

This was not a 30 second fight, this was 30 seconds straight of one dude, killin’ another dude.

If that’s not an overkill, then I don’t know what is.

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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