So….. My brother and I randomly sat down to try our hand at a podcast!
Sadly, I think I derailed some of the finer points he was trying to make, but oh well, it was fun to make.
Here’s hoping we do it again sometime!
February 27, 2015 • 4:21 PM 2
So….. My brother and I randomly sat down to try our hand at a podcast!
Sadly, I think I derailed some of the finer points he was trying to make, but oh well, it was fun to make.
Here’s hoping we do it again sometime!
September 16, 2011 • 7:34 PM 1
Yesterday we finally finished working our way up through the ranks of The Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights, and named Mike Tyson as the rightful owner of the #1 spot.
As per the norm whenever I put together a top 10 list, today we’ll be taking a look at some of the runner-ups to the list.
Some of the omissions surprise even myself, so expect a few exceptionally tough cookies to pop up in the proceedings.
That being said, let’s get to take a look at the top 5 runner-ups, presented, for my convenience; in no particular order:
In case you’re wondering “Schwarzgeist” is German for “Black Ghost.”
With a name like that, the developers of Einhander were pretty much obligated to make this guy totally badass.
To be fair, they also went ahead and made pretty much the entire game absolutely fucking badass.
While the game is populated by a host of tough bosses, each sporting a number of variable attack patterns depending on the approach you take in fighting them; “The Black Ghost” is likely the most difficult overall.
He also happens to have one of the better tracks in the game as his battle theme.
Boasting an absurdly complex attack pattern that is nearly impossible to grasp without burning a continue or 2, “The Black Ghost” is a brutal challenge that is nevertheless, much easier to defeat through brute force than pure skill.
That is to say, coming into the fight with the right weapons *Cough!* Grenade Launcher! *Cough!* is key to victory.
The fact that “The Black Ghost” has a definable and not all that well hidden weakness, is likely the reason he didn’t make the Top 10.
Despite this, his despicable variety of attack patterns, combined with Einhander’s unforgiving gameplay system of only allowing you 1 life before each continue; make a strong case for his presence among the runner-ups.
Then again, these days it’s almost a tradition to include at least 1 overpowered athlete in sports games.
Designed to be fought in a round-to-round, objective based system; the actual procedure involved in fighting Isaac Frost contributes almost as much to his difficulty as his actual fighting ability.
Possessed of unbalanced punching power, speed, and stamina, Frost holds all the cards from the opening bell, and yet his beastly-ness is further bolstered by the fact that the game forces you to fight him a certain way.
Essentially, throughout each round of the fight you are required to follow a pre-determined gameplan, be it using your legs and hanging back, or landing haymakers to the body.
To date I have yet to beat Isaac Frost, largely due to his insane attribute bonuses, but the fact that the game forces me to fight him the way it wants me to really grinds my gears to an exceptional degree.
With that, I leave you with this video of Frost obliterating Super Middleweight, Anthony Mundine:
Virtually identical in terms of gameplay, both are exceedingly difficult top-down shooters that absolutely revel in chewing up players and spitting them out.
While every second of these games is a challenge of the most epic variety, the bosses featured in them are quite likely the most difficult aspect of them.
On that note, I don’t think many people would argue with me in crowning General Akboob, the final boss of Total Carnage, as the toughest among them.
His pattern involves filling the screen with projectiles at all times.
Most of his attacks have an accurate homing capability.
And worst of all, he has no less than a half dozen forms, one of which is a giant Hitler head!
I have no idea what that has to do with anything, especially since the very Russian looking/sounding Akboob is supposed to be Middle Eastern, but whatever it was the 90’s.
Anyway, all of this results in a horribly drawn out battle of endurance.
… A battle of endurance in a game where your character dies in one hit.
You do the math.
I just realized this, but there weren’t any RPG bosses on our list of the Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights.
I’m guessing it has something to do with my own (heavily biased) opinions, but the simple fact of the matter is that I really haven’t played an RPG since Final Fantasy VIII way back in ’99.
I did however, play quite a few before that point, mostly of JRPG variety.
That being said, while I’ve heard that some of the Shin Megami Tensei bosses are absolutely balls out insane in terms of their capacity to rob you of hours of your life, I haven’t actually played any of those games, so I don’t really have an educated opinion in that matter.
The point is, from my experiences with pre-1999 RPGs, Emerald and Ruby Weapon were the only 2 bosses that I recall having an inordinate amount of trouble with.
From what I hear, the debate rages on which of the 2 is more difficult, though I got my ass served by both of them equally, hence their dual ownership of the their spot among the runner-ups.
I remember Emerald had, no joke, about a million hit points, and Ruby was able to eject your characters from the fight, making doing battle with either of the pair an absolute pain in the ass.
From what I’ve been told, much of the strategy involved in defeating either of the 2 involves an incredible amount of dedication and prep work, as well as a healthy dose of luck.
When Final Fantasy VII came out, I was barely a pre-teen, so I had neither the patience nor the intelligence to figure out which angle to attack them from.
This resulted in me getting literally whipped to death by Ruby, and sat on by Emerald more times than I’d care to admit.
That being said, here’s a clip of some Narutard beating them both into the ground.
Don’t ask me why he dubbed the Final Fantasy themed J-ballad over it….
Geese Howard was, and always shall remain, one of the toughest bosses in all of fighting games.
Oh yeah, and he’s quite possibly one of the pimp-est videogames of all time to boot.
That’s saying a lot considering how far fighting games have come since 1991.
Possessed of a limited, but utterly devastating repertoire of moves, Geese was tough to beat for all the reasons you’d expect an SNK boss to be.
He was better than you in every way, especially in his capacity to dole out chip damage on par with some of your clean hits.
Despite this, I’d hesitate to call Geese cheap, merely inordinately difficult and just a little bit frustrating.
Perhaps worst of all though, ‘ole Geese also had a counter-throw capable of cancelling most of your melee attacks.
I don’t think I have to tell you that he often employed this technique with pinpoint timing, often using it to ruin your offensive rallies at the most inopportune of moments.
September 13, 2011 • 8:23 PM 1
Yesterday on our list of The Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights, we took our first steps into the rage inducing realm of fighting game bosses.
As mentioned previously, fighting game bosses tend to be some of the hardest challenges in all of gaming, though more often than than not this comes as a result of unfair or “cheap” elements in their design.
Whether it be by breaking the mechanics of the game, or possessing unbalanced attributes; fighting game bosses are rarely designed to function (fairly) within the established gameplay parameters of the games they reside in.
That being said, yesterday we took a look at Gill from Street Fighter III, a boss that I would personally consider to be one of the better designed bosses in all of fighting games, if not for the fact that he’s a cheating bastard that gobbles cock under the bleachers on Tuesday nights.
While I bear a great deal of animosity, or rather, straight-up HATE towards Gill, those feelings pale in comparison to those I feel for today’s entrant on our list of the Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights.
I hate Gill, but as mentioned earlier, I also respect the intelligence of his design.
#3 on our list doesn’t benefit from that luxury.
#3 is the kind of ball-stomping ass-clown that wouldn’t even get a nod from me if I saw him rescue a kitten from a burning tree.
And I fuckin’ love kittens.
#3 is the kind of unbelievably loathsome fighting game boss that only one videogame company could produce.
#3 on our list of the Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights is:
I love their games, but goddamn does SNK know how to fuck us in the ass with bosses from the broken-as-fuck school of fighting!
Fuck that, most of SNK’s fighting game bosses didn’t just graduate from Broken-As-Fuck University, they’re fuckin’ tenured professors there!
Rage-gasm aside, Magaki is just about the motherfucking-est motherfucker I’ve ever run across in a fighting game.
I’ve beaten him before, more times than I have Gill actually; but the sheer frustration generated by every encounter was more than enough to convince me to rank him higher than the latter on this list.
While Gill is at times fair, at times borderline human; Magaki just takes the motherfuckin’ rulebook and smears pink and blue shit all over it.
Hell, that’s his M.O. for pretty much everything:
Magaki doesn’t like how his Moons Over My Hammy turned out?
Pink balls and blue floaty shit.
Magaki gets served a tax evasion notice?
Pink balls and blue floaty shit.
Should that fail, and it likely won’t, Magaki’s got his bases covered in the form of being able to neon tie-dye THE ENTIRE FUCKING screen at the drop of a hat.
Just watch this poor sap take it up the butt as he literally comes this close to besting Magaki only to have his eyes raped by the rainbow sherbet shit storm of pink and blue shit that is Magaki’s super combo:
Ouch! No lube even….
*AHEM!* To walk into a fight with Magaki is to have your 3-on-3 fighting game instantly turned into a 3-on-1 shoot ’em up.
King of Fighters bosses often come with a write-off excuse for their extreme difficulty and cheapness due to the fact that you, the player; get to fight them with 3 characters to their 1.
Despite having 3 characters at your disposal, more often than not the balance ends up being all out of whack, with the boss being extraordinarily overpowered in every way imaginable.
King of Fighters bosses have been consistently cheap as balls since before the series was even called King of Fighters.
Fighting Magaki though, is unlike any other boss encounter in the King of Fighters series, let alone any other fighting game period.
While many King of Fighters bosses are highly mobile and make use of potent attacks designed to counter from virtually any angle, Magaki fights like fuckin’ Sagat on crack.
Sagat has his high-low fireball combo, Magaki has, well, endless waves of pink balls and blue floaty shit.
Seriously man, when you fight Magaki it feels like you just stepped into a game of R-Type.
The screen is literally filled with shit to the point in which you’ll often times find yourself just throwing up your hands and saying:
“Fuck this shit! Let’s play some Street Fighter…”
Simply put, there is no “good” way to handle Magaki.
While he’s admittedly kind of Mechagodzilla like in the sense that he’s basically a slow-moving projectile platform with feeble melee skills, on every occasion you do manage to get close enough to deal damage; he’ll usually just toss you away with….. I’ll just let the picture do the talking:
You can easily spend an entire battle with Magaki, that is, all 3 of your characters; without ever getting past his fruity barrage of carnage.
This would be entirely forgivable if not for the fact that SNK saw fit to grant Magaki all of the standard cheap-ass advantages they give to virtually all of their bosses.
Giving him the ability to fill the screen with projectiles would’ve been fair if not for the fact that his attributes are broken-as-fuck as well.
If he had been, say, fragile for instance; then I could’ve bit my tongue and said he was a decent boss.
But no, they gave him the ability to execute all of his moves with frame-by-frame precision and timing, and they made him absurdly powerful and durable.
When I finally beat Magaki for the first time, I didn’t feel any sense of pride in my achievement.
I felt like I had just lost an hour of my life to a barely decent game, and truth be told I think I actually recall saying to myself:
“Good. Now I can get on with my life and never play this shitty game ever again.”
While I actually did go back and play the game a few times here and there, rest assured, the moment King of Fighters 2002: Unlimited Match came out, I pretty much lost interest in every other game in the series outside of ’98.
Nowadays I don’t have much interest in any of them…
Magaki is admittedly not quite as hard as his #3 spot likely deserves, but in my mind no other fighting game boss has caused me as much frustration and borderline physical pain as he has.
During the course of our list of the Top 10 Hardest Boss Fights, I’ve stressed the fact that the best examples of genuine difficulty in boss fights are stemmed from clever and rewarding gameplay design, and not outright cheapness.
Along with Duriel from Diablo II, Magaki’s presence on this list serves as a symbol championing the power of broken game design and cheapness.
That Magaki could make me eat my words with such resounding vigor as to place him at #3 on this list is proof enough of just how motherfuckin’ cheap that pink bastard is.
In any case, here’s a video of the Apex of Pimp himself, Geese Howard; putting the hurt on Magaki as only he can:
*Gifs courtesy of Fighter’s Generation, the finest fighting game site I’ve ever known.*
August 20, 2011 • 9:37 PM 0
Today I was fortunate to have attended the grand opening of a new used game store in my neighborhood.
Technically it was actually re-opening of a currently existing store, but in all fairness the changes made to the building were extensive to the point of being a brand new facility.
The store was called Game Gurus, and to my surprise; they went out of their way to throw a little party for their grand opening.
There were free hot dogs and popcorn, 50 cent games for sale in the parking lot, (mostly crap, but even so, 50 cents for a 360 game is pretty good regardless) and a raffle giveaway every 10 minutes.
For what essentially amounts to a mom and pop videogame store, I was amazed by the great lengths that the owners went to in making a good first impression.
While I was mulling about in front of the store, rooting through the cheap games my friend and I, who shall henceforth be referred to as Wes Studi; happened to notice an enthusiastic fellow customer perusing the wares while wearing what appeared to be a ODST getup.
Wes Studi insisted I take a photo of the 2 of them together, and as you can see at the top of this post; I did just that.
For a guy that’s not really up on cosplay, I have to say; they guy had some pretty snazzy digs.
Seriously man, the guy had some sort of microphone system built into the helmet that made him sound all loud and bell diver-ish.
Anyway, as impressive as the outdoor festivities were, the actual store itself was something to behold.
Though the shelves and inventory were arranged much like a typical Gamestop, there were a lot of little bells and whistles in Game Gurus that will no doubt lead to the risk of theft; but were nevertheless enticing to potential customers like myself.
For instance, throughout the store there were several monitors hung from the ceilings, each with a playable game console and single controller hanging from the ceiling like a mobile.
I saw lots of people messing around with these demo rigs, and it put a smile on my face to see little kids stand on their tippy-toes to try and get a grip on the dangling controllers.
I played Wes Studi a few times, and though my joysticks’ kick buttons weren’t functioning, I had a lot of fun.
By the way, I won every round.
*ANYWAY* On our way out, Wes Studi and I also took a minute to check out the “back room” of the store, where they store not porn; but rather a cache of about 6 Xbox 360’s running Black Ops, Marvel vs. Capcom 3, and a few other shooters.
From what I understood, all of these rigs are free to play on the weekends, which in my opinion; is a great gesture to make the store out to be a neighborhood hang out for the kids.
Despite all the fun toys scattered about, the one thing that made me think to myself, “I might have to come back here sometime;” was the fact that the inventory was pretty solid.
While obscure consoles like the Turbografx 16 and Wonderswan weren’t on display, pretty much every major American console from the 8-bit era up was for sale, along with countless games to go with them.
Best of all, they had seemed to have a fairly robust selection of Super NES titles, with many of the rarer titles coming with their original packaging.
While I saw some extraordinarily rare stuff there, Wes Studi and I both ended up walking away with pretty basic stuff.
Having no job will do that to yah’…
Wes picked himself up a copy of Eternal Darkness, Mega Man X: Command Mission, and Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles, while I got Pitfall: The_Mayan_Adventure, Gradius III, and X-Men: Mutant Apocalypse at a special 2-for-1 price.
Nothing special, but I saved a few bucks and walked away happy regardless.
All in all, I was wholeheartedly impressed with all the love and hard work that obviously went into the new Game Gurus store.
I sincerely thank the owners for their efforts, not just to make a good neighborhood store; but to reach out to the kids in the area and provide a fun place for them to hang out.
Given that it’s within walking distance of my house, and the fact that Pink Gorilla’s inventory has been kind of iffy in the Super NES area as of late; I could see myself doing a lot of my retro game shopping at Game Gurus from now on.
That’s not a knock on Pink Gorilla, ’cause don’t get me wrong, I love them; but I’m jus’ sayin’ is all…
July 28, 2011 • 9:00 PM 5
Hollywood tends to move in trends.
Really, really, obvious and demeaning trends.
In a market where film studios routinely invest upwards of 100 million dollars on their high profile projects, it only makes sense that producers would display a preference to go with “whatever works.”
This of course results in a lot of studios continually aping each other’s films from year to year in hopes of breaking even, or better yet; turning a profit.
In my lifetime alone, I can think of several trends in movies that have come and gone.
Naturally, I have compiled a brief list of said trends:
The first genre trend I noticed, even as a child; was the slew of old TV show (and cartoon) adaptations of the 90’s.
It makes sense, given that Nick at Nite was in the process of becoming an established “thing” at the time; not to mention the fact that a number of the filmmakers of this era were likely of the age group that would’ve grown up watching a lot of the 60’s TV shows.
While I can’t say who started actually this trend, or if it was even that profitable; it’s managed to stick around long enough to the point in which I doubt it will ever die.
TV shows will always be lovingly remembered by somebody, so as time goes by, it’s only natural that some poor deluded fool will pony up the money to make a movie of them in tribute.
As with TV show adaptations, videogame movies were something that sprang up during the 90’s, smack dab in the middle of the Super NES era.
While it’s hard to call videogame movies a trend in the fullest sense of the word, it’s evident that they were intended to be one in the mid-90’s.
Following the release of the surprisingly decent Mortal Kombat, videogame movies were stuffed down throats our en masse.
Despite this, videogame culture has apparently grown exponentially over the years, leading to videogame movie adaptations becoming increasingly regular.
The movies stick suck some serious balls for the most part, but the point is; they have yet to reach a point where they are no longer profitable, and thus they continue to exist.
Truth be told, this “trend” is actually more symbolic of the birth of a new film genre as opposed to a trend, but oh well; it’s my blog.
Comic book movies are, as THE INTERNET seems to want me to say; kind of a big deal.
Anyway, Batman served to open the floodgates and give way to the release of countless comic book films, many of which were of course; Batman sequels.
In response to the angsty, MTV culture of the day, as well as the popularity of “less-than-mainstream” comics, movies like The Crow, Barb Wire, Tank Girl, Judge Dredd, The Mask, and Spawn were all cranked out in short order.
While the success of these movies (except for The Mask) was largely scatter-shot, the success of Blade in ’98 ushered in the Marvel dominated era of the 2000’s.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past decade or so, you’ve probably come to realize that Marvel is the flamboyant and insatiable whore of the comic book movie world.
The arrogant bastard that likes to prance about and shove his cock in your face and demand you tell him how amazingly massive it is.
*Ahem!* Not like I’ve ever had that happen to me or anything…
Routinely whoring out it’s intellectual properties from year to year, Marvel rode the success of X-Men and Spider-Man (and a string of critical failures) to take the film world by storm, largely through sheer volume of production.
In the 13 years since the release of Blade, Marvel has released a total of 25 major motion pictures, averaging nearly 3 films a year.
While it’s hard to call them rivals these days, (times have changed) DC manages to release, at best; 1 film a year.
The only difference is, DC films have a tendency to win Oscar nominations.
Anyway, for better or worse, strip-mining the previously established characters and events from comic books is kind of the thing to do for Hollywood producers in this day and age; and based on the record-breaking revenue gained from said movies, I’d say it’s what the audience is into as well.
Which brings me to the eerie prospect of a 4th trend in films that I would prefer not see come to pass.
Has anybody seen the trailer for Battleship yet?
If not, here yah’ go:
Some way, some how, they managed to get Liam Neeson to get on board the Battleship bandwagon, (I’m guessing it involved a free trip to Hawaii…) and in all honesty; I’m just plain confused by it all, aliens notwithstanding.
To my knowledge, Clue is the only other board game movie in existence at this point; and while that has kind of a cult following in some (seriously demented) parts of the world, Battleship just never really seemed like movie material in my mind.
To me, Battleship was always that one game my friend and I could never play without cheating.
Seriously man, after 5 minutes of calling out “Miss” to each other, inevitably someone would peek over the game, find a ship, and basically win the game.
Even the name “Battleship” doesn’t seem all that marketable to me.
It’s non-descript, it gives virtually zero indication of what to expect in the film outside of maybe a battle or 2 involving ships.
Oh well, goofy military shit is en vogue at the moment, so I’m guessing therein lies to the logic to the production house’s gambit.
The really puzzling part in all of this, is the fact that I recall hearing rumblings of a Monopoly movie being in the works.
I heard about the Battleship movie awhile back, but it wasn’t until I saw the trailer the other day that I truly realized they were actually going to make it.
What I mean to say is, I really hope Battleship doesn’t start a board game movie trend, ’cause I’ll tell yah’, I’m not an analyst, or anywhere near an expert in these matters; but if this shit comes to pass, we’ll be in for some epic-ly shitty over the next several years.
June 15, 2011 • 7:12 PM 13
So, I’ve owned, and have been playing the shit out of Fight Night Champion for a few months now.
While my first impression of the game was rather poor, after several hours tooling around in the demo; I finally decided to break down and buy the game.
After having gotten the hang of the new control scheme, (for like the 4th time in the franchise’s history…) the game opened up, and now I’m proud to say it’s one of the better games in the series.
In either case, it’s not everyday boxing videogames aimed at hardcore boxing fans are released; so even if the game was utter crap, I still probably would’ve picked up Fight Night Champion from a bargain bin at some point.
Anyway, over the past few months I’ve obliterated a handful of people in online play, I’ve rewritten history through countless bouts against the CPU; but as of now, I’ve yet to complete the game’s much lauded Champion Mode.
For those who are unaware, Champion Mode represents a first for the series, in that it serves as a sort of pre-arranged campaign mode, complete story cutscenes between and during bouts, featuring it’s own cast of characters.
Sadly, the actual narrative is kind of lame, with most of the characters being shallow stereotypes of the genre, and much of the dialogue coming across as more than a little inorganic due to the rather forced inclusion of exposition-y game speak.
Basically, one plays through various boxing matches as the character Andre Bishop, though several matches require the use of specialized tactics or the completion of certain in-match achievements in order to win.
While limited in the sense that I’ve played similar, and better modes in games from 15 years ago; Champion Mode was a welcome addition to the franchise, though with one little catch:
They made the “last boss” too fuckin’ hard!
The “last boss” of Fight Night Champion is a massive, tattoo bearing, short-haired motherfucker named Isaac Frost.
I’d make a joke about how Frost looks more than a little more like a UFC spokesmodel, or I don’t know, RANDY FUCKING ORTON; than a heavyweight boxer, but doing so would be beneath me.
I’d also make a joke about the plausibility of an unbeatable white American heavyweight champion in this day and age being slim to none, but some would perceive that as racist.
I’d perceive that a statement of fact, but to each his own…
Like any “bad guy” in a boxing story, Frost is a massive prick, though seemingly for no other reason than the fact that he likes being a prick.
The man has zero backstory, so there’s no real explaining his prick-ish demeanor; but the point is:
Frost is an ass. You’re supposed to hate him. In spite of all this, he also happens to be a FUCKING BEAST in the ring.
That last part serves as my reason for not having beaten Frost as of yet.
I don’t know if it’s brilliant programming on the part of the folks over at EA Montreal, or really fuckin’ cheap programming; but Frost is a fuckin’ force of nature to contend with.
He’s very tall, making his long strides more than a match for your best footwork.
He’s a genius at cutting off the ring, leading to more than a few instances where he actually tricks you into stepping right into his fists.
His punching power is off-the-fucking-charts, making 2-3 consecutive punches a recipe for putting you on queer street, or flat on the mat.
And on top of that, his AI is entirely based on the Fight Night engine, meaning his actions are engineered to be unpredictable.
While most videogame bosses typically hold all of the above advantages in terms of attributes, the one thing that really makes Frost unique, at least to me; is the fact that he doesn’t have any set attack patterns.
In short, like any fight in a Fight Night game, the battle with Frost plays out like an actual boxing match.
There’s no golden mechanic for winning the fight, with every engagement serving as a moment-to-moment clash of wits.
I’ve always made it my business to win underdog fights against the computer in Fight Night games, largely because I derive a great deal of satisfaction from winning said bouts; but fighting Isaac Frost is an entirely different affair.
Like many fights in Champion Mode, you’re expected to take on Frost in several stages, employing different tactics as the rounds go by.
The first 2 rounds see you dancing around Frost and basically trying not to get hit.
I can usually do this without going down, but not always.
The next 3 rounds require you to land a total of 75 heavy body blows on Frost, and that’s as far as I’ve managed to get against him.
I’ve tried stepping into his chest to diminish the punching power of his long arms, but usually I get caught by an uppercut.
I’ve tried leaping in after one of his jabs to hit him while he’s pulling back his punches, but I usually get caught by an uppercut.
I’ve tried hanging back and using my head movement to counter and then step around him, but I usually get caught by an uppercut… Among other things.
The point is, Frost’s punching power is so dominating, and his punch accuracy so sharp, that I simply can’t find a way to get inside on him without getting brained in the process.
After much frustration, I’ve come to the conclusion that Isaac Frost may be one of the most difficult boss fights I’ve ever run across.
Oh well, at least I can still enjoy the game without beating him…
April 30, 2011 • 9:50 PM 1
As much as I adore everything that is Godzilla, and as much as I enjoy watching intelligent rats stage crazy-ass sword fights; Transformers: The Movie was far and away my favorite of these movies.
While some (read: Orson Welles) would criticize Transformers: The Movie as being an hour and a half long toy commercial, for kids who grew up watching it; there’s no denying that it had a charm to it that made it truly special.
More than that, Transformers had a severity to it, a real sense of life and death stakes that made you, especially as a child; truly give a damn.
Say what you will about it being a feature length marketing device, in my book any movie that goes out of it’s way to kill off nearly every major character in the franchise within it’s first 20 minutes has at least some semblance of legitimate dramatic merit.
Hell, of all the retarded-ass kid’s movies that I used to watch, Transformers: The Movie was one of the only ones my mom was willing to sit down and watch with me.
Combine the film’s rather morbid tendency to be cruel to it’s main characters, with decent animation and a kick-ass glam rock soundtrack; and you’ve got a recipe for success.
It’s interesting to note that, for me at least; Transformers: The Movie represents most of what I know and love about the original Transformers cartoon.
I was born a few years after Transformers began to fade from the mainstream, and as such; I really didn’t see much of the TV series outside of a re-runs on the “Power Cube” every once in awhile.
If it weren’t for me having an older brother that was around to experience the Transformers phenomenon first-hand, I don’t think I would’ve had nearly as strong an association with the Generation 1 stuff.
Thank God for my brother, otherwise I would’ve been denied the pleasure of growing up watching the 2nd MANLIEST MAN moment in all of movies EVERY FUCKING DAY!
While one could (and indeed should) argue that the live-action Transformer movies are overlong and meandering piles of tripe Elmer’s glued together with eye-fucking CG and rejected elements from the National Treasure movie’s scripts; the 1 thing I think we can all agree they did right, was Optimus Prime.
Optimus Prime is one of the most admirable and heroic characters in all of fiction.
Steadfast and noble, he is the picture of stoicism and bravery that we all wish we could live up to when the chips are down.
In short, Cullen is Optimus Prime.
While the live-action movies flipped the charming minimalist aesthetic of the Generation 1 cartoon on it’s head, and often failed to allow him the opportunity to speak with the same regality by feeding him hokey lines; just hearing Peter Cullen’s voice come out of the CGI Optimus Prime was all I needed to see that even Michael Bay couldn’t completely fuck up his character.
As shitty as the live-action Transformer movies are, at least 5 minutes of them contain scenes of Optimus Prime being just as I remembered him.
That doesn’t forgive the 2 and a half hours+ worth of crap contained in the rest of the film’s running times, but even so; it counts for something.
That being said, our 2nd MANLIEST MAN moment is perhaps Optimus Prime’s finest moment, that of his heroic, and tragic; last stand against Megatron and the invading Decepticon forces:
Words can’t describe the EPIC MANLINESS of this moment.
At this point in the movie, the Autobots are really taking a pounding and don’t know how much longer they can hold out.
The vast majority of the Autobots from the first season of the TV series are killed off during the conflict, leaving Ultra Magnus and a ragtag group of Autobots, both young and old; to defend Autobot City.
As the Dinobots struggle in battle, Optimus Prime steps from the shuttle; grimly surveying the destruction of his people’s Earthbound sanctuary.
With any eerie sense of finality lingering the air, Optimus Prime transforms and rolls out; for perhaps the last time.
CUE AWESOME FUCKING INSPIRATIONAL ROCK SONG.
Pimp that he is, Optimus’ first move in battle is to RUN THE FUCK OVER Thrust.
From that point forward, the difference in power and capability between Optimus and the rest of the Transformers becomes readily apparent.
Still in truck form, Optimus is fired upon by several Decepticons; with all of the incoming laser blasts having no effect other than maybe singeing his paint job.
Leaping into the air and simultaneously detaching his trailer, Optimus does a MANLY gravity defying flip through the air, all the while CAPPING THE FUCK out of every Decepticon in sight:
Make no mistake, this is Optimus Prime at his PIMPEST and most BADASS.
With the majority of Megatron’s heavy hitters out of the picture, Optimus corners the evil robot and issues perhaps the MANLIEST of MANLY ultimatums:
Despite that EPIC-NESS, the 2 continue to exchange AWESOMELY MANLY remarks until, inevitably; Megatron claims he will kill Optimus with his bare hands, then proceeds to spear Prime’s ass to the ground.
Cutting back to the fight, Prime manages to toss Megatron into a wall, whereupon the devious Decepticon takes an opportunity to go back on his previous declaration and toss a sharp rod into Prime’s hip.
Immediately capitalizing on his opponent’s moment of weakness, Megatron lifts his arm blaster and fires several volleys at Prime.
Deftly slipping the incoming blaster fire, Optimus rushes Megatron and cracks him with a wicked right cross, knocking the Decepticon leader to the ground and severing the blaster from his forearm in one fell swoop.
Ever the sneaky bastard, Megatron once again makes use of a foreign object, picking a beam saber off the ground and swiping it across Prime’s stomach.
Sparking from the gut, Prime clutches his wound and staggers backwards, prompting Megatron to leap into the sky and initiate one of the single coolest shots in cinema history:
With an AUTOBOT SHORYUKEN, Optimus manages to counter Megatron’s overhead assault, only to end up being mule kicked in the chest by Megatron’s immediate retaliation.
With both fighters off-balance, the 2 robots slam into each other and tie up in a grapple.
As Megatron threatens to tear out Optimus’ eyes, our hero nevertheless manages to overpower the evil robot, grab him BY THE EARS; and toss his ass a CITY FUCKING BLOCK.
With Megatron severly injured and face down on the ground, Prime retrieves his blaster rifle and points it at Megatron.
Acting very much out of character, the ruthless and dastardly Megatron pleads for mercy.
Rightfully suspicious of his nemesis’ uncharacteristic behavior, Optimus is ultimately robbed of an opportunity to gauge a proper course of action as Hot Rod jumps in from out of nowhere and tries to subdue Megatron, only to end up being held as his hostage.
Grabbing a blaster pistol he found hidden amid the rubble nearby, and with Hot Rod now being used as his human shield; Megatron fires a volley directly into Optimus exposed stomach plate.
Too strong and too brave to take a knee, Optimus withstands the first shot, only to be felled by the 3 that follow.
Ditching his hostage, Megatron stands over Prime and taunts him at gun point, with the words:
“It’s over Prime…”
With those words, Prime; summoning the last of his strength, rears back and uncorks the MOTHER OF ALL DOUBLE AXE HANDLES directly into the Decepticon emblem of Megatron’s chest.
His chest plate shattered to pieces, Megatron falls off the nearby ledge, bounces off the balcony below, and crumbles onto the ground below.
With their leader utterly defeated, the battered and beaten forces of the Decepticons flee from Earth; leaving the Autobots to tend to their own.
Shortly thereafter, Optimus Prime would die, and Megatron would begin life anew under the guise of Galvatron.
Anyway, this has been our 2nd MANLIEST MAN moments in all of movies.
Check back tomorrow for the reveal of moment #1!
April 23, 2011 • 8:35 PM 1
This time around we’re tackling MANLY moment #9, a MANLY moment that belongs to none other than quite possibly the MANLIEST of all action heroes; Arnold Schwarzenegger.
As any self respecting MAN is aware, MANLY moments are very much the norm in any Arnie movie.
Seriously man, given the chance, Arnold could find a way to make just about anything the fuckin’ MANLIEST shit ever.
He was just that fuckin’ MANLY.
During the course of his acting career the man has killed Darth Vader:
Done battle with (and killed the ever-loving fuck out of) intergalactic game hunters:
And even managed to get away with calling THE FUCKING DEVIL a goddamn choir boy:
To say Arnold’s done some pretty MANLY-ASS things over the years would be an understatement akin to saying Steven Seagal’s flipped a lot of fools on their heads.
In other words, it’d be a BIG fuckin’ understatement.
Which begs the question, just what is the MANLIEST moment of Arnold’s illustrious film career?
Well, that’d have to the be when he summoned his MAN-STRENGTH to call “bullshit” on, well, pretty much everything; and then inexplicably whooped the shit out of a curiously overweight Australian at the end of Commando:
Let me go on record by saying that, while it’s far from the best movie in Arnold’s filmography; Commando has probably the highest MAN QUOTIENT of any of his movies.
Commando truly is a “dumb” movie in the sense that it’s plot, dialogue, and overall production values are kind of ratty; however most of this is played to it’s advantage in the form of copious amounts of “violent but not offensive violence,” and an insane number of Arnold-isms throughout.
In short, it’s a big dumb action movie that thrives on being big and dumb.
Which brings me to MANLY moment #9 on our list.
At the end of Commando, Arnold’s John Matrix faces off against a former “colleague” (read: killing buddy) of his named Bennett, who just happens to be holding Arnold’s daughter AKA Alyssa Milano, hostage.
While totally bat-shit crazy, and holding a penchant for knives; I’ve gotta’ say, Bennett is just about the least threatening villain I can recall in a Schwarzenegger flick.
I suppose it doesn’t help that half the time the guy looks like he’d sooner jump Arnie’s bones rather than kill him:
Seriously man, while taller than Arnold, the guy is obviously somewhat out of shape and doesn’t look at all to be a match for Arnold’s Herculean John Matrix.
To make matters worse, the poor guy is obviously kind of sensitive about his weight, as he wears some sort of goofy-ass chainmail getup to try and conceal his love handles.
Think fat kid wearing his shirt to the pool:
Top things off with the fact that he looks like a fat Freddie Mercury, and you’ve got yourself one very sad-ass final boss.
Despite all this, thankfully Bennett gives himself a fighting chance by capping Johnny Matrix in his right shoulder just before the final battle.
Sadly, that would prove to be just about the only good move ‘ole Bennett makes in the whole fight.
Using his MANLY powers of psychology, Matrix manages to convince Bennett to let go of Alyssa Milano so that they may knife fight to the death like the MANLY MEN they are.
The fight appears to reach an equilibrium of sorts, as both men receive minor cuts; however one could argue that Bennett pulls ahead at this juncture by attempting the use of scornful finger wagging and black magic:
Unfortunately however, his MAN STRENGTH proves to be too great, thereby causing him fall off alongside Bennett:
In classic villain fashion, Bennett makes use of a conveniently placed pipe to try and press an advantage over Matrix.
Courageously/dumbly fighting unarmed and without the use of his right arm, Arnold manages to stay in the fight, landing pot shots when able, and generally doing well to counter most of Bennett big swings.
Hell, one-armed or not, Arnie even manages to ape Steven Seagal by busting out an awkward hip toss of sorts:
Utilizing a nearby furnace door, Bennett whacks Matrix in the nose by opening it ala Tom and Jerry then proceeds to tear it off it’s hinges and chuck it at our hero.
Despite missing by a fuckin’ country mile, this maneuver allows Bennett the time to pick up another pipe from the floor, with which he proceeds to go to town on Matrix’s stomach and flanks.
Did I mention that during all of this, Bennett still looks like he want to mount Matrix something fierce?:
I’m not gonna’ lie, Arnold takes a helluva’ beating during this sequence.
After sustaining an absurd number of pipe shots to the torso, Arnold manages to land a desperation kick to… somewhere on Bennett’s person, thereby freeing our hero and allowing him to stand up once again.
I call the kick an act of “desperation” not just because of the nasty circumstances during which it was employed, but because kicking is just something Arnold doesn’t do.
The man is shaped like a fuckin’ upside down PYRAMID OF POWER, kicking is not one of his strong suits.
Anyway, from there the fight devolves into one of those awkward struggling/wrestling matches that suck all the momentum out of fight sequences.
Long story short, Bennett opened the furnace earlier, both guys almost get put into said furnace; and much grunting and sweating ensues, likely to Bennett’s pleasure.
Likely growing weary of being in such close proximity to a dark magician/child molester like Bennett, Matrix creates some distance with a strategically placed headbutt followed by a left hook to the jaw.
While Johnny Matrix indeed succeeds in gaining some breathing room with this maneuver, unfortunately he makes the mistake of knocking Bennett into the power grid, shooting thousands of volts through the big Aussie’s chainmailed form:
Now, ordinarily this would put a motherfucker to sleep like no other, but not ‘ole Bennett.
Unfortunately, Matrix clearly was not aware of this fact, and is thusly caught completely off guard by the immediate and hellacious counter-attack that follows.
Totally helpless, Matrix takes blow after blow, not the least of which being the dreaded “double axe-handle to the man boob”:
Pummeling away at Matrix’s back with fists and elbows, Bennett continues to pour on the verbal abuse to John’s MANHOOD.
“Your’e a dead man John!”
With those words, whatever weakness may have remained in John Matrix’s soul burned away to cinders, leaving only MANLY MAN-NESS in their wake.
With those words, John Matrix summoned the mightiest of MANLY words from deep within himself, channeling the MANLIEST of MAN spirits in the process:
Using only ONE HAND Matrix unleashes a 13-hit Ultra Combo of hooks and backhands that sends Bennett reeling.
Lacking the strength to employ any more magic spells or electrical attacks, Bennett; in a final act of villainous cowardice, draws a micro uzi and makes a move to blast Matrix’s nuts off.
Improvising in a manner that could only be referred to as MANLY-AS-FUCK, Matrix then promptly rips a steam pipe off the wall and throws it into Bennett’s rotund form:
Check back tomorrow for MANLY moment #8!
April 4, 2011 • 3:41 PM 0
Ever notice how every once in awhile you run across a word that sounds really fuckin’ badass, only to discover later on that it’s actual meaning is equal parts pathetic and absurd?
I don’t know if it’s just me, but this happened to me a whole helluva’ lot when I was little.
That being said, the following is a brief list of some words fitting the above description, most of which I first encountered as a young badger.
Definition: Constructed, arranged, or marked like a net or network.
You know what the longest snake in the world is?
Animal kingdom factoids like this was really important to me as a kid, but apparently learning the meaning of words like reticulated wasn’t; ’cause it took more than a few years for me to discover it’s definition.
I remember thinking the word reticulated meant something along the lines of “really fuckin’ big,” or “seriously fuckin’ savage.”
Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the Reticulated Python’s name simply referred to the characteristics of the pattern drawn across it’s scales.
Definition: An extravagant statement or figure of speech not intended to be taken literally, as “to wait an eternity.”
It refers to something crazy fuckin’ awesome (and destructive) that most likely requires a super combo meter to perform, that’s what!
At some point in my struggle to define the word hyperbole; I came to the conclusion that:
“Hey, Magneto has his Hyper-Grab; maybe there’s some sort of super combo version of it I haven’t seen called Hyper-Bow-Lee!”
Yeah, I played a lot of fighting games back in the day…
Actually, I’m pretty sure the first time I ran across the word was in written form; whereupon I most likely pronounced it as “hyper-bowl.”
I consider myself a pretty good speller nowadays; but back in the day I was a shithead just like everyone else.
Definition: Having two sides equal.
That’s all I needed to hear to start thinking isosceles was the coolest fuckin’ word ever.
Sure, I learned it’s meaning at some point in math class; but that doesn’t mean I ever made any attempt to retain that knowledge.
You see, numbers and I have feuding like an Irishman and, well… Another Irishman, for as long as I can remember.
That is to say, despite my Azn-ness; math has always been one of my weaknesses.
Despite this, thanks to Seinfeld; I’ve maintained a healthy relationship with the word isosceles.
Unlike most of the other words on this list, I never came up with my own interpretation of it’s meaning.
In all honesty, from the time I first heard it up until the present, there really hasn’t been a time when I was unfamiliar with it’s meaning; but even so, for such a slick-ass sounding word, isosceles has a pretty pathetic meaning.
Above: “Abdication” at it’s finest….
Definition: To relinquish formally a high office or responsibility.
Well, I did; more than a few times at that, and it was this episode of the show that first introduced me to the word abdicate.
Just like I’d imagine the character Eugene felt, for whatever reason; the name abdicator sounded like a believable superhero to me.
Then again, I’m pretty sure any word that ends with an “-or” has the appropriate amount of manly “oomph” to it to work as a a superhero name.
Anyway, I remember that the actor that plays the abdicator actually learns the meaning of the word abdicate at some point during the episode; leading to me first hearing the word and learning it’s definition in the space of 20 minutes or so.
While I know the definition well now, thanks to Hey Arnold!; to this day I still get a kick out of thinking back to the brief time in my life when the word abdicate referred to “beasting on someone mightily in a Schwarzennegger-ian fashion.”
Definition: A polyhedron with 12 faces.
The above image represents what I thought dodecahedron meant before my math teacher had to go ahead an’ spoil it for me.
Yeah, I was a pretty fucked up/retarded kid.