Azn Badger's Blog

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Van Damme Blowout

(Thanks to Twitchfilm.com for all the great news!)

Jesus fuck, Van Damme is a busy guy!

He was recently in Kung Fu Panda 2, The Eagle Path; which he directed, is coming out this October, he’s got another¬†Universal Soldier movie in the works, (supposedly co-starring Dolph Lundgren, Scott Adkins and Michael Jai White) and let’s not forget that he recently starred in perhaps the MANLIEST, and most thought provoking beer commercials of all time:

Aside from all of that however, The Van Daminator also happens to have another movie with Scott Adkins in the works called Assassination Games.

Lame title, but pretty much every other vaguely action-like word has likely already been used in conjunction with the title “Assassination” at this point.

Anyway, as seems to be the case with every Scott Adkins movie, I’m excited, but ultimately know the movie is going to suck.

As talented as the man is at hitting people, his filmography speaks for itself.

And no, The Bourne Ultimatum doesn’t count, as all he did in that was hold a gun and look constipated.

Regardless, I’ll likely pick up a copy of it just to see the (numerous) scenes in which people get kicked in the head.

Trailer and Twitch article here, as well as embedded below:

The other movie that Van Damme’s got on the docket as of now, is a Russian comedy by the name of “Napoleon Kaput,” or at least whatever the Russian equivalent to those 2 words happens to be.

Truth be told, the trailer gives me the impression that The Muscles from Brussels only has a cameo in the movie, but regardless; it looks kind of a fun in a brainless sort of way.

It does put a smile on my face to see IMDB list him as playing “himself” though.

Trailer and Twitch article here, as well as embedded below:

On a side note, am I the only one that got a Napoleonic To Wong Foo vibe from this trailer?

Jus’ sayin’, there seems to be an awful lot of cross-dressing in this movie; though without the Swayze¬†Factor it can’t possibly be half as good.

Anyway, that’s all for tonight!

Jesus fuck Snipes! Did you really have to pick the tightest dress they had!?

Filed under: Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember When Goldberg Jackhammered The Giant?

*Note: I’m aware the clip above isn’t from the first time this happened in WCW, however in my eyes it’s the best executed Jackhammer Goldberg ever did to The Giant.*

When I was young, I really bought into the Goldberg hype machine.

I dug the fact that he had an undefeated streak.

I dug his over-the-top theme music.

More than anything though, I really dug his wrestling style and the way he’d utterly obliterate most of his opponents.

He was the borderline mute and utterly unstoppable force of late 90’s wrestling, and by golly; he was damn good at it.

It’s a shame his acting ability never really measured up to his wrestling prowess, as I remember my childhood perception of him getting knocked down a peg or 2 by his appearance in the utterly craptacular Universal Soldier: The Return.

Oh well, at least his appearance in the Megadeth music video produced for the movie was good for a laugh, what with his repeated mouthing of the words “Crush ’em” into the camera and…… No, that’s actually all he did:

It’s funny, as dumb as it is, I actually happen to like this song quite a bit.

To this day it still surprises me that MTV aired the video for it as much as they did.

Even more surprising was how many times I actually sat through it…

Anyway, watching Goldberg Jackhammer The Giant was one of the cooler moments in wrestling moments that I ever got to witness on live television, so I figured I would share it with all of you.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m a little starved for writing inspiration at the moment…. And have been for the past few weeks now.

In that sense I apologize for the “memory lane” posts about dumb wrestling, but frankly it’s all I’ve got in me at the moment.

Hopefully I’ll get my act together sooner rather than later.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #7: Universal Soldier

*Note: I am aware that they may be better overkills out there, but c’mon; this is Van Damme vs. Ivan Drago we’re talking about…*

Universal Soldier is not a good movie.

Hell, it’s not even a good Van Damme movie.

Despite this, I doubt any of us will forget the supermarket sequence,

"I kick ass, I kiss ass, and I'm busting heads!"

or watching Van Damme kick the shit out of truckers for absolutely no reason.

"Goddamnt, I'm just trying to eat this tray of popcorn!"

Anyway, this list isn’t about hero worship; it’s about overkill, so let’s get to it.

CLICK HERE FOR CLIP

The overkill in question occurs during the final battle of the film between the 2 crazy, roided-out Universal Soldiers of the title.

Well, maybe Van Damme isn’t, but Dolph is ‘roided out at this point anyway…

Everyone knows the 'roids grant the user He-Man hair...

Being as this is a Van Damme film, the first half of the fight belongs to the villain.

For several minutes straight, Dolph kicks the ever-loving shit out of Van Damme, making the stunt crew and wire team work for their money in the process.

Unfortunately, just as victory seems certain for the uber-Swede, he makes the BIG FUCKING MISTAKE of diverting his attention to Van Damme’s lady friend in the background.

By “diverting his attention,” of course, I mean “chucking a grenade up her ass.”

There are only 3 things in this world you don’t do when Van Damme’s in town.

First, you never throw white powder in his eyes.

That’ll get you kicked in the head, REPEATEDLY.

Second, you never, never, travel through time without the proper authority.

That’ll get your ass Ron Silver-ed.

Yes, that used to be Ron Silver before he touched himself...

And third, you never, ever, EVERRRR, ogle/threaten/rape/blow-up the woman that Van Damme is into, but isn’t actually in a legit relationship with on account of them not fucking, or not having known each other long enough for their feelings to amount to them wanting to fuck.

Seriously Dolph, you were home free until you chucked that grenade up that pretty ladies’ ass…

Jeez, Dolph. I know it was cool n'all, but get over it...

Not only that, but you know that fire your grenade just caused?

Well, it serves to give Van Damme ample opportunity to stand up heroically in front of it, thereby solidifying this part of the fight as his “comeback moment.”

Oh now you've gone and done it...

Needless to say, Van Damme gets back in the fight, managing to land his first noteworthy blows.

I like how 'roids somehow make kicks to the face hurt less.

Despite Van Damme’s angst/kicking power, there’s still the matter of Dolph’s ‘roid enhanced powers…

Due to the vast disparity in strength levels at this juncture, Van Damme still finds himself on the receiving end of a lot of downright silly Full Metal Jacket-esque taunts, in between eating a lot of Swedish knuckle-sandwiches, of course.

In fact, Dolph puts even his ass through a wall at one point.

Goddamn! Somebody ate their spinach...

No matter, Van Damme is in “comeback mode” at this point, thereby making any attacks only serve to enhance, rather than deplete his Belgian man-strength.

At some point, Van Damme manages to snatch an extra syringe of ‘roids off of Dolph’s tactical vest.

Van Damme: Teaching the kids that juicing's the only way to win...

Now, these ‘roids have to be just about the fastest acting chemical substance found on this Earth, as after no more than 5 seconds, Van Damme’s strength level seems to shoot right past ‘ole Dolph.

"Man, you're like half my size! What the fuck kinda' shit you shootin'!?"

With that, Dolph’s days of landing noteworthy blows, or even trying to defend himself come to an end, as things may as well have just shifted from the traditional martial arts movie “comeback mode,” to “Van Damme kicks people in the face mode.”

I'm beginning to see a theme here...

Needless to say, Dolph gets shown all 4 corners of the, uh, barn; and then some.

It all comes to a head when Van Damme gets a hold of Dolph and decides to throw technique and variation out the window in favor of throwing the same punch about 50 billion times.

IN THE FACE x50,000,000,000!!!

Seriously, virtually every drop of blood, and every bruise inflicted on the giga-Swede in this fight were the product of said punches, and seemingly nothing else.

Anyway, the Van Damminator gets his first bit of revenge by putting Dolph through a wall, thusly bringing the fight back outside into the rain.

This leads to a rather bizarre, and very childish bit of banter between the 2:

Well, that was productive.

Anyway, mass face-kicking ensues, resulting in Dolph falling backwards onto a harvester, and the true beginning to our #7 best overkill.

Here are the results of said fall:

Well now, we're regretting that little grenade toss earlier, right?

Wow, that’s a lot of holes!

As one would expect, Dolph doesn’t get up from that one.

Well, not in the traditional sense anyway.

Much like a Michael Myers/Jason Voorhees-style slasher, Dolph tries to trick Van Damme by playing dead, although it’s equally possible he simply passed out for a short time after, well, you saw.

I'm dead, soldier...

Anyway, with his un-impaled hand, Dolph grabs hold of the back of Van Damme’s head, and in one final attempt to finally make our hero a “dead soldier,” tries to pull Van Damme’s face into the harvester blade protruding from his own chest.

Bro'mance at it's most intimate...

If that’s not savage, I don’t know what is.

Unfortunately, Van Damme still has some of that ‘roid sauce in his blood, thusly allowing him to deftly snap the big Swede’s forearm out of place.

I know I said it before, but your arm really isn't supposed to bend that way.

Being as Dolph is still impaled and stuck to the harvester blades, and now has no operational limbs, I’d say his threat level just dropped to zero.

Even so, Van Damme doesn’t like loose ends, so being as this is a 90’s action flick, he runs on over to the power switch for the harvester, and unflinchingly turns that sucker on!

While we aren’t treated to the gloriously gory details of the Swedish slice-o-matic extravaganza,, we do bear witness to a tasty little tidbit of the carnage in the form of a shot of the harvester’s expulsion duct blowing bits and chunks of Dolph out into the night sky.

Rest assured, the next harvest on this particular farm will grow inordinately large and blond from the trickle-down effect of laying Dolph’s liquified form onto the fields…

Oh yeah, and it turns out the chick didn’t get blown up.

Fuckin’ figures…

BUTT.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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