As detailed in some of my previous posts, I found both the premise and the surprisingly straight-laced advertising campaign of the film to be provocative to my tastes.
I like cowboy movies.
I like alien movies.
A movie that slams both of genres together, while maintaining some semblance of seriousness should be the stuff of dreams, right?
Well, as it turns out, Cowboys & Aliens didn’t really live up to the sum of it’s (considerable) parts.
Despite a terrific cast, a solid premise, and one of the goofiest titles to a summer blockbuster this side of Snakes on a Plane, Cowboys & Aliens failed to be little more than “alright” in my eyes.
I won’t go into any details of the plot, but I will say this:
It’s predictable to the point in which a major character arc was spoiled for me IN THE TRAILERS, and there are more than a few moments towards the end that had me and my friend referencing Independence Day.
We also had a mutual flashback to Total Recall at one point, but that may have just been the 2 of us being weird… And dorky.
"Quaid... Quaid... Start the reactor... FREE MARS..."
The first half is decent enough, with a slow burn sort of pacing that would lead you to believe the second half is going to have some sort of pay-off; only for the climax to come lurching into the view and offer absolutely zero sense of satisfaction to the audience.
Put it this way, if you’re looking for good action, or even aliens doing cool shit with cool toys; Cowboys & Aliens is not the movie for you.
Truth be told, that was probably one of my biggest issues with the movie:
The damn aliens turned out to be one trick ponies!
When you think aliens of the technologically advanced variety, inevitably one’s mind pictures them using said technology to their advantage.
While it made me happy to see that the aliens featured in the movie weren’t complete feebs like some of the “green men” of old, I gotta’ say, and this is only a minor spoiler, after watching an alien do his spear/chokeslam combo to a horse for the 50th time inside of 20 minutes, I started to get kind of bored.
Remember, this is coming from someone who would tell you the best part of Inception was when Joseph Gordon-Levitt choked a dude out while hanging upside down.
ECW! ECW! ECW!
Don’t get me wrong, I likes me some chokeslamming aliens as much as the next guy, but when that’s all they ever fucking do; well, it gets old.
There’s a reason a chokeslam is a finisher, and that’s because it has a lot more impact when it’s used to finish people as opposed to all the fucking time.
Long story short, if you saw a trailer for Cowboys & Aliens, congratulations; you’ve seen every fuckin’ trick the aliens have up their sleeves with the exception of spears and chokeslams.
That being said, it needs to be said that the acting of the movie were actually pretty good.
Craig didn’t really bring anything to the table in terms of emotional weight or investment, but I gotta’ say; the man has the perfect silhouette for a Western.
Even if all he did was stand in this movie, he still would've done better than half the cast.
Seriously man, I don’t know if he went to mime school or anything, but the way Daniel Craig hold’s his arms, the way he plants his feet just the right distance apart; he really just looks like a savage-ass cowboy hero.
Given the limitations of the script, it’s hard to say whether Craig could’ve done better in the role or not, but in all honesty; I think he did just fine looking the part if nothing else.
Moving on, Harrison Ford growled and scowled his way through the movie as kind of curmudgeonly old, post-war Indiana Jones.
He’s quite hammy throughout the film, though never pandering; but in his quieter moments, particularly with Toad Face and ADAM FUCKING BEACH, he manages to steal the show from time to time.
Outside of these 2, the rest of the cast was a little subdued, to the point of being kind of a let down.
Clancy Brown was more Mr. Krabs than The Kurgan, Olivia Wilde may as well have been window dressing, Toad Face was even uglier than he was in The Last Airbender, Sam Rockwell had a funny ad-lib here and there, but was unfortunately cast as a sniveling loser.
Despite this, ADAM FUCKING BEACH managed to have a few good moments, though many of them were squandered by him being cast (as tends to happen when you’re one of like 3 Natives in Hollywood) as the stereotypical “Spiritually Strong and Morally Pure Native Dude.”
ADAM. FUCKING. BEACH.
A cowboy movie with stereotypes?
Surely you jest…
That being said, Cowboys & Aliens was far from a let down, but nowhere near as good as I would’ve hoped.
In general, the movie felt like it was rolling down a hill in neutral.
While I tend to like Jon Favreau as a director, the Iron Man movies and now Cowboys & Aliens have me convinced that the man needs to work on his pacing when it comes to making popcorn movies.
The action scenes were plainly choreographed and devoid of drama, largely amounting to scattered shots of cowboys shooting AT POINT BLANK RANGE, and aliens tackling them shortly thereafter.
By the way, make sure to pay attention to the number of cowboys featured in the finale, as personally; I found that I saw more cowboys die than they actually started out with.
Anyway, the movie was “alright,” but nowhere near The Valley of Gwangi in terms of cowboy vs. the monster of the week novelty.
Pictured: The Azn Badger prepping a steel chair shot from Hell.
Sorry for not posting today, I was indisposed helping out a friend down in Olympia.
As it turns out, my friend, (and former employer) Preston Porter, the owner and operator of Kraken Design, sponsored a hole at the annual Big Brothers Big Sisters charity golf event; so me being me, I decided to lend a hand schmoozing with the locals and spreading the good word of the business.
You know, for the kids n’shit.
Anyway, as you can see, I brought my official Azn Badger t-shirt, as well as my Ultimo Dragon and Rey Mysterio Jr. luchador maks; both of which ended up being worn and photographed by a good number of the golfers.
In a market where film studios routinely invest upwards of 100 million dollars on their high profile projects, it only makes sense that producers would display a preference to go with “whatever works.”
According to Michael Bay (and ONLY Michael Bay) this, is what "works."
This of course results in a lot of studios continually aping each other’s films from year to year in hopes of breaking even, or better yet; turning a profit.
In my lifetime alone, I can think of several trends in movies that have come and gone.
Naturally, I have compiled a brief list of said trends:
1. Old TV Show Adaptations
Pictured: One of my favorite films. Hands down.
The first genre trend I noticed, even as a child; was the slew of old TV show (and cartoon) adaptations of the 90’s.
It makes sense, given that Nick at Nite was in the process of becoming an established “thing” at the time; not to mention the fact that a number of the filmmakers of this era were likely of the age group that would’ve grown up watching a lot of the 60’s TV shows.
While I can’t say who started actually this trend, or if it was even that profitable; it’s managed to stick around long enough to the point in which I doubt it will ever die.
TV shows will always be lovingly remembered by somebody, so as time goes by, it’s only natural that some poor deluded fool will pony up the money to make a movie of them in tribute.
Here’s hoping we don’t see a Seinfeld or Frasier movie 10 years from now.
2. Videogame Movies
Also known as, "Party of Five and Iron Chef Team-Up To Fight Terminator 2."
As with TV show adaptations, videogame movies were something that sprang up during the 90’s, smack dab in the middle of the Super NES era.
While it’s hard to call videogame movies a trend in the fullest sense of the word, it’s evident that they were intended to be one in the mid-90’s.
Following the release of the surprisingly decent Mortal Kombat, videogame movies were stuffed down throats our en masse.
Unfortunately, with releases like Super Mario Bros., Double Dragon, and Street Fighter stinking up the theaters; the trend never really caught on as strongly as I’m guessing it was intended to.
Despite this, videogame culture has apparently grown exponentially over the years, leading to videogame movie adaptations becoming increasingly regular.
The movies stick suck some serious balls for the most part, but the point is; they have yet to reach a point where they are no longer profitable, and thus they continue to exist.
Truth be told, this “trend” is actually more symbolic of the birth of a new film genre as opposed to a trend, but oh well; it’s my blog.
Fuck you.
3. Comic Book Movies
SPIDER-MAN LOVES 'MERIKUh! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE 'MERIKUh!?
Comic book movies are, as THE INTERNET seems to want me to say; kind of a big deal.
While they’ve existed in one form or another for quite some time, it wasn’t until the release of Tim Burton’sBatman in ’89 that we really saw them become en vogue.
Richard Donner’sSuperman doesn’t really count, as at the time, it was entirely in a league of it’s own; only serving to spawn weak-ass imitators as opposed to profitable blockbusters.
Anyway, Batman served to open the floodgates and give way to the release of countless comic book films, many of which were of course; Batman sequels.
In response to the angsty, MTV culture of the day, as well as the popularity of “less-than-mainstream” comics, movies like The Crow, Barb Wire, Tank Girl, Judge Dredd, The Mask, and Spawn were all cranked out in short order.
While the success of these movies (except for The Mask) was largely scatter-shot, the success of Blade in ’98 ushered in the Marvel dominated era of the 2000’s.
I kinda' miss the days when Wesley Snipes was cool... And not poor.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past decade or so, you’ve probably come to realize that Marvel is the flamboyant and insatiable whore of the comic book movie world.
The arrogant bastard that likes to prance about and shove his cock in your face and demand you tell him how amazingly massive it is.
*Ahem!* Not like I’ve ever had that happen to me or anything…
Routinely whoring out it’s intellectual properties from year to year, Marvel rode the success of X-Men and Spider-Man (and a string of critical failures) to take the film world by storm, largely through sheer volume of production.
In the 13 years since the release of Blade, Marvel has released a total of 25 major motion pictures, averaging nearly 3 films a year.
While it’s hard to call them rivals these days, (times have changed) DC manages to release, at best; 1 film a year.
The only difference is, DC films have a tendency to win Oscar nominations.
Catwoman: Protecting the World from Modesty and Cosmetics Moguls.
Anyway, for better or worse, strip-mining the previously established characters and events from comic books is kind of the thing to do for Hollywood producers in this day and age; and based on the record-breaking revenue gained from said movies, I’d say it’s what the audience is into as well.
Which brings me to the eerie prospect of a 4th trend in films that I would prefer not see come to pass.
Some way, some how, they managed to get Liam Neeson to get on board the Battleship bandwagon, (I’m guessing it involved a free trip to Hawaii…) and in all honesty; I’m just plain confused by it all, aliens notwithstanding.
To my knowledge, Clue is the only other board game movie in existence at this point; and while that has kind of a cult following in some (seriously demented) parts of the world, Battleship just never really seemed like movie material in my mind.
To me, Battleship was always that one game my friend and I could never play without cheating.
Seriously man, after 5 minutes of calling out “Miss” to each other, inevitably someone would peek over the game, find a ship, and basically win the game.
Even the name “Battleship” doesn’t seem all that marketable to me.
It’s non-descript, it gives virtually zero indication of what to expect in the film outside of maybe a battle or 2 involving ships.
Oh well, goofy military shit is en vogue at the moment, so I’m guessing therein lies to the logic to the production house’s gambit.
The really puzzling part in all of this, is the fact that I recall hearing rumblings of a Monopoly movie being in the works.
I heard about the Battleship movie awhile back, but it wasn’t until I saw the trailer the other day that I truly realized they were actually going to make it.
What I mean to say is, I really hope Battleship doesn’t start a board game movie trend, ’cause I’ll tell yah’, I’m not an analyst, or anywhere near an expert in these matters; but if this shit comes to pass, we’ll be in for some epic-ly shitty over the next several years.
*The cards featured in the above image are Black Lotuses, one of the most overpowered (and expensive) cards.*
This card came about as a result of a series of atypically tooth and nail Magic games I had with a friend today.
Let’s get one thing straight, my interest in Magic is about as casual as it gets.
Most of my decks are crafted from illegal 5th edition cards I inherited from my brother, and while I’ve been known to by a booster or 2 now and again; I’ve probably spent about $20 in total on Magic cards over the past 10 years.
That being said, my friends take things a little more seriously, playing with Standard decks that routinely kill within the first few turns.
In other words, I don’t really have the means to be competitive among my circle of friends.
Despite this, today I managed to hold my own pretty well, winning a few games mostly on account of poor draws on my opponent’s side.
Some of the matches were genuinely frustrating though, largely because the nature of my friend’s decks led to a lot of situations where I’d be winning for a long stretch, only to get utterly flattened by the emergence of a single, overpowered card.
This happened so frequently, that my friend and I started joking around whenever someone would ominously tap a lot of mana.
Basically, the joke would go something like this:
“I tap 5 and summon…”
“Some bullshit.”
Jokey stuff like this served to keep us off each other’s throat for most of the evening.
That being said, I figured I would make a custom card in honor of the frustration we both endured this evening.
Thanks for playin’ buddy, hopefully the day won’t come that they actually make a “Some Bullshit” card.
*Caution! This article contains spoilers for ALL of the live-action Transformers films!*
Before you lose your shit and start calling blasphemy at the title of this post, please take heed and understand the face that the above phrase is only in reference to the live-action Michael Bay version of the character.
Optimus Prime was, and is; one of my biggest heroes.
That being said, after (finally) watching Transformers: Dark of the Moon, I can honestly say, with an absolute degree of certainty; that Michael Bay’s take on the character barely qualifies as a “in name only” representation of the original Optimus Prime.
Much like the Roland Emmerich take on Godzilla, commonly known as GINO or "Godzilla In Name Only."
Watching Optimus Prime evolve, or should I say, degenerate; from film to film has been a horrific and sickening process.
The original character of Optimus Prime was that of a regal and clean-cut goody goody.
He was noble to the point of being kind of a tool, he rarely was at the forefront of combat, deferring most of the dirty work to his Autobot cohorts, and in every case, regardless of how practical it may be; he did whatever he could to stand for peace and altruism.
He was an admirable role model for impressionable young children, and one that, in a perfect world, would still hold up to this day.
The first live-action Transformers movie, a mediocre film overall, but easily the best of the trilogy; took many liberties with it’s interpretations of many of the Gen 1 characters, however when it came to Optimus Prime, it mostly got it “right.”
In Transformers 1, Prime was every bit as regal as his old self, with the sole exception of a few uncharacteristically goofy moments.
One of his finer moments in the film came at the very end, when Prime attempted to sacrifice himself and the All-Spark.
Sam, being the mental giant that he is, instead decided to kill Megatron with it.
He never once suggested using it to destroy Megatron, nor did he ever seem at any point prepared to outright kill his lifelong rival.
While his character was never developed to the point in which anyone could really care about him, it was nonetheless very appropriate to have Prime mourn the death of Jazz at the film’s conclusion.
Really Prime’s only really odd moment was during his battle with Bonecrusher, wherein he basically decapitated the severely outmatched Decepticon without giving it a second thought.
While somewhat shocking, dealing with his opponent at the time, quickly and efficiently; was cause enough justify Prime’s course of action.
Even so, while it was cool to see Prime cut loose and kick-ass, it’s hard for me to associate the phrase “stone cold killer” with him.
Pictured: One of the innumerable problems that made up the blasphemous pile of poo that was Revenge of the Fallen.
Probably the worst in the trilogy, Revenge of the Fallen’s version of Optimus Prime was worse than the first film, but in my opinion; not quite as bad as the 3rd one.
Not all too different from his Transformers 1 counterpart in speech and mannerisms, the one really noticeable change in his character came in the form of a gung ho, “kill them until they die from it” attitude.
I’m guessing it makes me sound like a pussy to say so, but I was downright shocked to see Optimus blow Demolishor’s head off at the beginning of the movie.
It's all in good fun until someone gets hurt...
While far from the dumbest or most offensive sequence in the movie, seeing a childhood hero think nothing of executing a defenseless opponent just seemed really fuckin’ wrong to me.
Similarly, it came as a shock to me that Prime would brutalize and utterly obliterate The Fallen at the film’s conclusion.
The world was no longer in danger, and in his “Super Saiyan Prime” form, The Fallen seemed to be no match for him; so in my mind it seemed kind of odd for Prime to go the extra mile to butcher and obliterate his opponent.
Sadly, that last part is a direct quote.
I’m not at all opposed to killing in Transformers movies, however I do take offense to unjustified killing via the hands of Optimus Prime.
Killing Blackout during the 3-on-1 battle in the forest (arguably the best scene in any of the movies) came as a result of necessity I.E. defending himself and more importantly, Sam.
Decapitating a defenseless, and largely incapacitated opponent, was hard to justify outside of appealing to a bloodthirsty audience.
There was a phrase that Prime tossed around in virtually every episode of the old TV show, namely that of “Easy, Ironhide.”
This phrase was meant to separate Prime from his more bloodthirsty counterpart.
The phrase was used in Transformers 1, but somewhere down the line they decided to ditch it and the philosophical implications it brought to the table.
That being said, while Prime was obviously trending towards a more bad-ass persona in Revenge of the Fallen, in my eyes they took this much too far in Dark of the Moon.
"Peeeeaaace..... No Peace..."
Prime’s role in Dark of the Moon was somewhat diminished in comparison to the previous films in the series, however his behavior in the 3rd film was borderline offensive.
First off, and this applies to all of the Autobots; I found the idea of the Transformers rallying behind the U.S. military to combat terrorism to be more than a little insulting.
Throughout every film, Optimus Prime has declared himself to be an ally of humanity, making it completely absurd that he and the other Autobots would seemingly align themselves exclusively with the U.S., a single nation among hundreds of others.
I know these movies have obligations to portray the U.S. military in a certain way, largely due to multi-million dollar contracts with the armed forces; but attempting to trick kids into believing they’ll get to hang out with autonomous transforming robots when they sign-up is more than a little offensive.
Oh well, at least it’s not as dumb, or as blatant as Taiwan’s military ad campaign:
Moving on, it’s hard to deny that Prime’s gung ho/take no prisoners attitude from Revenge of the Fallen was turned up to 11 for Dark of the Moon.
Gen 1 and first film alum, Ironhide, as well as a handful of other Autobots are killed in the film, however at no point does Optimus Prime take a moment to reflect on their passing.
The death of any Autobot is always going to be a big deal, but for IRONHIDE, one of the most well known and beloved characters in the franchise to pass on without acknowledgment; is pretty fuckin’ lame.
What’s also pretty fuckin’ lame is hearing Optimus Prime arrive at the battlefield and declare bullshit G.I. Joe phrases like:
That’s a direct quote by the way.
I don’t care how many civilians the Decepticons kill, to hear the venerable leader of the Autobots order a fuckin’ genocide on the opposition is just plain fuckin’ wrong.
To make matters worse, Prime once again can’t seem to stop himself from killing everything in sight.
Countless (generic) Decepticons meet their fate at the hands of Prime in Dark of the Moon, however the really offensive deaths come at the film’s conclusion.
At the end of the film, Prime is severely wounded and faced with 2 opponents, Sentinel Prime and Megatron.
At one point Megatron proceeds to offer Prime a truce, whereupon Prime interrupts him and proceeds to tear his fuckin’ head off.
Following this, a mortally wounded Sentinel Prime crawls about on the ground and begs for his life, whereupon Prime interrupts him and proceeds blow his fuckin’ head off.
Apparently, negotiation is not one of the Autobot’s strong suits.
I don’t know about you, but shit like this grinds my motherfuckin’ gears.
It’s like the equivalent of a grossly unwarranted and unexpected heel-turn of a beloved face in wrestling.
The only difference is, in wrestling shit like that usually ends up paying off in the long run.
Corporate Rock, while hard to swallow in the first few months, was one of his better moments.
G.I. Kill-Master Prime, as well as any of the live-action Transformers films, will likely continue to be shitty as ever 10 years from now.
Anyway, I won’t be writing a review for Dark of the Moon, (it sucked) but I felt I needed to pound out this article, because I genuinely felt that this interpretation of the character was entirely “wrong.”
Oh well, I guess this is the kind of shit you have to expect from movies when the military is heavily invested in their making, the countries’ been at war for over a decade, and kids have been living off Call of Duty games and their imitators for the past 8 years.
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