Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Azn Badger For Charity!

Pictured: The Azn Badger prepping a steel chair shot from Hell.

Sorry for not posting today, I was indisposed helping out a friend down in Olympia.

As it turns out, my friend, (and former employer) Preston Porter, the owner and operator of Kraken Design, sponsored a hole at the annual Big Brothers Big Sisters charity golf event; so me being me, I decided to lend a hand schmoozing with the locals and spreading the good word of the business.

You know, for the kids n’shit.

Anyway, as you can see, I brought my official Azn Badger t-shirt, as well as my Ultimo Dragon and Rey Mysterio Jr. luchador maks; both of which ended up being worn and photographed by a good number of the golfers.

Check out the Kraken Design Facebook page for event photos and videos!

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Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember When David Arquette Won The WCW Title?

Yeah, that actually happened.

Even during the Monday Night Wars, I always kind of thought of WCW as the AAA to the WWF’s major league.

Don’t get me wrong, my brother and I definitely flipped back and forth between RAW and Nitro during commercial breaks, but in terms of the quality of the storylines and announcing; Vince McMahon’s crew were light years ahead of Turner’s boys.

The one saving grace of WCW, besides the nostalgia factor of seeing the old dogs work the mic and not wrestle except on pay-per-views; was the huge roster of high-flyers and cruiserweights.

It’s easy to forget, what with all the NWO and Raven’s Nest bullshit in between, but Eddie Guerrero, Juventud Guerrera, Rey Mysterio Jr., Psicosis, Jushin Liger, and even Ultimo Dragon put on some awesome matches for WCW.

To this day, I still think back on the cruiserweight matches of WCW as being some of the best displays of athleticism and technical skill I’ve ever seen in wrestling.

It makes me sad that the WWF has decided to make the aging Rey Mysterio their one and only Luchador, likely in an attempt to elevate his status with the fans and make him seem more talented.

How you could ever think having less Lucha Libre guys in your roster would be better for the business is seriously beyond me, but I guess that’s why I’m unemployed and McMahon’s throwing money into making the XFL and getting his wife into the U.S. senate.

Anyway, I seem to have depressed myself.

Time to go watch some Tiger Mask

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Azn Badger In Portland: A Story In Pictures

Pictured: The Azn Badger and Portlandia.

As mentioned in the previous few posts on this blog, I took a trip down to Portland few a few days this week.

I’d only been to Portland once before, as a very young child; so in heading down to Oregon, I honestly didn’t know what to expect from the city.

While I’d rather not bog this post down with extraneous details regarding my adventures in Portland, I will say this:

Portland gave me tasty waffles via a window, and for that I give the city a thumbs up.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering what’s up with the photo at the top of this post, so allow me to explain.

A long time ago, when my brother went to live in Japan for awhile, I remember him bringing some lucha libre masks with him.

During his time over there, he ended up taking photos of himself and his friends wearing these masks, seemingly just for shits and giggles.

Anyway, given the fact that I myself happen to own a few luchador masks, I figured I should do my duty as the “little brother” and follow in my brother’s footsteps.

That being said, the photo above, and those that follow represent my trip to Portland… While wearing a Rey Mysterio Jr. mask.

Pictured: The Azn Badger and "Dude Holding Umbrella."

The photo above was the first one I took while wearing the mask.

Not much to say about it, other than the fact that it was taken in the heart of downtown, and I was more than a little nervous about publicly making a fool of myself.

Pictured: The Azn Badger and "Awesome McElephant Face."

This was was also taken downtown, in a really neat part of town that played host to an incredible amount of FREE art galleries.

I had a lot of fun perusing the artwork and photography, however this photo; as well as another that had my buddy Mencius’ cousin striking a pose alongside me, were probably the highlight of my time in that district.

Pictured: The Azn Badger in front of an INFERIOR Uwajimaya.

This photo’s kind of funny because my expression is as much BWAAHHH!!! as it is disappointed.

I suppose it’s also worth noting that this is the only photo I took where I’m wearing my stinky El Santo shirt.

You see, upon setting out to see the Portland Uwajimaya; Mencius and I were under the impression that the store was going to be awesomely massive and far superior to our Seattle store.

Hell, up until we actually stepped inside the place, we were referring to it as the “SUPER Uwajimaya.”

Anyway, let it be known, downtown Seattle Uwajimaya kicks Portland Uwajimaya’s ass any day.

Though I have to say, the Portland Kinokuniya does have the advantage of having cuter employees…

CANDY BUS!!!

This one was just too perfect.

While traveling through Hawthorne, me an’ the Scooby Squad came across a sign pointing down an alley that read “Candy Bus.”

For whatever reason, I don’t have any pictures of said Candy Bus, however I will tell you this:

It is in fact a bus, and does indeed sell candy.

That novelty aside, I think the funniest part of this photo, is the fact that the “Candy Bus” sign is pointing at my cock.

If ever my dick were to have a pet name, I think “Candy Bus” would do pretty nicely…

Pictured: A 60 Second Portrait of The Azn Badger.

In case you’re curious, I got the above portrait done knowing full well that I was going to be using it as the finale to a blog post.

I’m really happy with how this portrait turned out.

I had it done at the Saturday Market in downtown Portland, and while it’s indeed quite well done; effectively capturing my facial structure and character (even with the mask on) pretty much as well as I could’ve hoped, probably the most incredible thing about it is the fact that it was drawn in 60 seconds.

I only paid 3 dollars for this portrait, making me tempted to say it’s the most value I’ve ever gotten for such a fair price.

 

 

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Resurgence Of The Macho Man Randy Savage!

I’m a fan of The Macho Man Randy Savage.

The highlights of his wrestling career took place largely before my time, however his over-the-top personality and legendary “OH YEEAAHH!!!” tagline were inescapable elements of growing up in the 80’s and 90’s.

While I got a chance to see him wrestle a few times in the WWF and WCW, at a time when he was largely past his all too brief prime; the things I remember most about Randy Savage, were his promo videos, and of course; his Slim Jim commercials:


In terms of mic performances, few pro wrestlers could top Randy Savage’s intensity.

Well-documented as a neurotic stickler for detail, Savage’s promos were often insane along the lines of say, The Ultimate Warrior; however they rarely ventured so far off into the absurd as to become downright incoherent as was the case with the Warrior:

… Yeah.

Anyway with his throaty, vocal cord ripping voice, Savage had a capacity to mystify and entrance like few others before or since.

He’s probably the closest thing to a poet that the Azn Badger has ever had for a personal hero.

Despite my love for anything Savage, I have to admit; like most wrestling fans of my generation, I didn’t care much for his stint on WCW.

WCW was all about, Goldberg, Cruiserweights and Luchadores if you ask me.

Everything else was just celebrity driven publicity stunts and old guys collecting fatty paychecks.

Enough about the “dark times” of WCW wrestling though, let’s get back to the SAVAGE.

Following his jumping ship from the WWF to WCW, Randy Savage claimed the intellectual rights to his Macho Man persona; resulting in him being absent from all WWF productions thereafter.

No videogame appearances, not toys, and certainly no more awesome promo videos.

Many would consider that an admirable feat, given the corporatist nature of the business.

As fate would have it though, Savage has come back to the WWF (probably for money…) and will be appearing the new WWF licensed videogame, WWE: All Stars.

Pictured: The Rock doing to John Cena what we've all wanted for so long...

Every time I have to type the acronym “WWE,” I die a little inside…

The game looks to be an over-the-top combo based fighter, hopefully sharing mechanics and aesthetic sensibilities with the excellent WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game of old.

Mortal Kombat Gameplay + The WWF Roster = BRILLIANT.

Despite the announcement of the game, the thing that really peaked my interest, was the fact that Savage was brought on board to improv one of his legendary promo videos to advertise the game!

Check it out:


Truth be told, I haven’t actually seen Randy Savage since his turn as Bonesaw in 2002’s Spider-Man, and I’ve gotta’ say; it looks like Father Time done caught up with him and put him in the Figure Four.

He looks to have gained some weight, as most aging bodybuilders do; but most noticeable of all is the fact that his previously Just For Men-ed beard is now a snowy white.

In all honesty, the man is starting to look like my dad.

Hell, if you dialed back his crazy voice a bit; his insane ramblings would probably sound pretty similar to the Azn Badger’s dad’s daily rants.

Anyway, I’m glad to see the Macho is back where he belongs.

He should never wrestle again, that much is for sure; but if this gets him the spotlight he needs to finally be inducted into the WWF Hall of Fame, then I wish him the best.

Please God don’t let him wrestle…

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Best Boss Music #9: God Hand

*ATTENTION, THIS POST IS BROKEN-AS-FUCK ON ACCOUNT OF YOUTUBE SUCKING BALLS.  IT WILL BE FIXED ASAP.*

I treasure every moment I was able to spend with God Hand.

Even though the game was control-smashingly difficult, and cursed with a poor camera system and even worse controls; God Hand served as a magnificent throwback to the beat ’em ups of yore.

Blue jeans and thunderbolt wrestling tights: Standard garb in the early 90's.

In fact, it’s one of those games that I honestly would love to see a sequel to, however; due to the dissolution of Clover Studio shortly after it’s release, as well as it’s sub-par review scores, I doubt that will ever happen.

Oh well, one can only hope that Capcom will resurrect it someday…

BRING THEM BACK YOU MONEY GRUBBING GRABOID-FUCKERS!

Anyway, God Hand is, as I mentioned previously; a non-traditional beat ’em up for the PS2.

I say “non-traditional” because the game made use of an over-the-shoulder camera system akin to Capcom’s own Resident Evil 4 from a year or 2 before, a feature that is scarcely seen in traditional beat ’em ups.

While most attempts at 3D, polygonal beat ’em ups turned out to be utter failures, (Gekido and Dynamite Cop some of the few exceptions) God Hand manages to succeed for the most part.

Fighting Force on the other hand, was not so lucky...

The main appeal of the game lay in it’s clever use of context sensitive button functions and utterly ridiculous (and unapologetically Japanese) dialogue and character designs.

Seriously, this game is balls out INSANE from end to end, but in the best possible way.

Can you think of any other games that feature giant Mexicans named Elvis, gorillas in Lucha Libre garb, and a fighting force of formidable midget Power Rangers?

Hah, thought I was kiddin' yah', didn'cha'?

Oh yeah, and don’t forget the spanking.

Yeah, I can’t think of any other games like that either.

While I won’t attempt to explain the details of the storyline of God Hand, I will offer you this simple summary:

The player character, Gene; loses an arm to some demons one day, only to wake up in a hotel room with a hottie named Olivia, and his arm restored in the form of the legendary, and outrageously powerful God Hand.

Yeah, this isn't a product of Japan. Not at all...

From that point on, the pair set out into the world to battle the demons and their generals, the 4 Devas; in an attempt to prevent the resurrection of the demon lord, Angra.

Angra, in the flesh.

Much Japanese kitsch and comic violence ensues, and eventually the whole thing comes to a head as the hero is forced to battle Angra while making use of both of the God Hands.

My God! He's gone Super Saiyan 2!

All that nonsense aside, a major part of God Hand that really made it fun for me, was of course it’s battle system.

The game made use of all 4 of the PS2’s face buttons for various attacks, however every single button could have it’s functioned assigned by the player to their liking.

Throughout the game, the player could acquire various fighting moves, with variable damage and speed statistics, eventually resulting in the player gaining a vast arsenal of unique and drastically different maneuvers they could implement depending on the situation.

Best of all, like most beat ’em ups, mashing the square button 5 times would result in an “auto combo,” however; thanks to the games’ robust customization system, each individual strike in this combo could be arranged to the players preference.

In addition to this, the game also featured a robust dodging system using the right analog stick, which allowed the player to juke, duck and sway to avoid attacks, as well as do evasive handsprings.

I know it's dumb, but this pic from the Dustin Hoffman/Robert Redford movie All The President's Men, just happened to be the first image I got when Googling "evasive handspring."

Aside from the basic attacks, the player was also afforded the powers of the God Hand of the game’s title.

Basically, the God Hand is, quite literally, one of the hands of God, of which there are 2, the other of which is of course possessed by a boss you end up fighting later in the game.

The God Hand had 2 functions in the game:

To provide the player limited bursts of super-powered invincibility, and to activate the games’ roulette wheel mechanic.

While the invincibility is self-explanatory, the roulette wheel was a interesting, if somewhat awkward element that succeeded in the keeping the player on their toes, even while executing some of the games’ most powerful attacks.

Basically, the roulette wheel was a customized set of a handful of super attacks and mauveurs that the player would have to quickly sort through during a brief period of slow motion.

Pictured: The Roulette Wheel.

Upon making their selection, the player character, Gene; would carry out the selected maneuver, usually resulting in mass pwnage.

It’s interesting to note that 2 selections on the roulette wheel were a constant:

One that would cause Gene to kowtow before his opponent in shame, and one that would cause a pan to fall from the sky and onto his head.

The first of these would cause the player’s style meter to lower, (a feature that served to increase the player’s after level ranking, as well as adjust the game’s difficulty level in-game) while the second served as a minor health penalty, as well as a exploitable glitch that allowed the player to avoid enemy attacks for a moment.

Yeah, I played God Hand A LOT.

Anyway, enough bullshitting, let’s get down to the Best Boss music selection from God Hand:



The title of this is track is, of course; a clever play on the title of Capcom’s own Devil May Cry.

Devil May Sly plays during the player’s first battle with the owner of the other God Hand, a man named Azel.

While the energy level of the music may seem a little excessive to some, I assure you, the battle that it accompanies is most certainly worthy of such energy.

While this is a poor example of the gameplay, as the player is far too good to make the game seem fun, take a look at this clip:


The fun part of the battle with Azel, is that the programmers were able to effectively endow him with the same abilities and attacks of the player, while making the battle play out very smoothly.

Essentially, what I mean to say is that, while there are of course Resident Evil 4-like context sensitive button mashing sessions during the fight, one still feels like they are indeed playing the game as opposed to an interactive cutscene or minigame.

The first time I beat Azel (I did in fact lose once or twice) was a helluva’ a good time.

I feel it’s also worth mentioning that Azel’s second appearance in the game, also deserves some kudos.

This battle happened to be a little more frustrating, and less rewarding than the first, but I really liked the music so I figured I’d throw it up here for yah’.

In keeping with the more serious tone of the battle, the music is appropriately darker and heavier.

While I really like Duel Storm, I feel that Devil May Sly is, musically; just a little bit more enjoyable.

With that, I leave you with this delightful, and not at all strange TV spot for God Hand:

Filed under: Best Boss Music, Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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