The Halloween Breakdown

Pictured: The Azn Badger's MANLY Jack 'O Lantern.

So, I don’t know about you, but I actually tried to make something of Halloween this year.

When I was a kid I did the whole Trick or Treat-ing thing, but in the years since, I’ve kind of treated Halloween as just another lonely and awkward day on the calendar.

Deep down I really wanted to make an effort to have a Halloween this year, but I have a problem that one could describe as “lacking balls,” so I decided to tag along with my good friend Mencius (who had to twist my arm just to make me leave the house) on an aimless trek through the night.

That being said, here’s a bullet-ed breakdown of my Halloween, from start to finish:

• Woke up.
• Ate pig sandwich.
• Browsed web while watching Batman Returns.
• Went to Unemployment Office for mandatory meeting.
• Got bored during meeting, drew Gamera on my pamphlet.
• Went home, resumed watching Batman Returns.
• Got call from Mencius around the time Batman Wilhelms that one dude and blows up the strong man.

• Got to the part when Penguin is controlling the Batmobile, got call from friend, hopped on bus to card shop.
• Played 2 rounds of Magic, went 1-1 against a vastly superior deck.
• Missed bus back home, had to run 2.5 miles home in time to rendezvous with Mencius.
• Headed down to Capitol Hill with Mencius, he dressed as “Alternative Medicine,” and me wearing a non-costume in the form of my official Azn Badger t-shirt.
• Saw a Blondie from The Man with No Name movies that had Ennio Morricone music perpetually playing from his phone.  Brownie points for innovation.
• Saw a decent Quail Man.

He looked only marginally better than this guy.

• Encountered hobo asking for money to cure an itch he had in his crotch.  Brownie points for innovation and grossness.
• Saw a Weird Al Yankovic from his “Fat” music video.  Handcrafted with an embarrassing degree of love.
• Saw a Ruby Rhod AKA Chris Tucker from The Fifth Element.  Very unique and detailed.
• Ate sushi and drank tea.
• Encountered Conservative Jewish Batman.
• Conservative Jewish Batman expressed sexual frustration regarding female Seattlites, as well as Liberals in general.
• Many topics were discussed, ranging from comics, to videogames, to politics and economics, though for Conservative Jewish Batman, everything always came back to Reddit AKA “That One Place On The Internet I Never Go.”
• Sighted an Asian man in the bar that was “living the dream.”

"Living the Dream": Being an Asian man dating an attractive white and/or blonde girl.

• Decided to call it a night, had long and fruitful conversation with Mencius regarding frustration over white people utilizing random Japanese words in English conversation.
• It was decided that “Toki Doki” was the most annoying of said Japanese-isms.

And that was my Halloween!

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, Asian, Azn Badger, Batman, Batman Returns, Chris Tucker, DC, Doug, Ennio Morricone, Gamera, Halloween, Japanese, Jewish, Nickelodeon, Penguin, Quailman, reddit, Rub Rhod, The Fifth Element, The Man with No Name

“The Cat Came Back The Very Next Day”

You remember this cartoon, right?

The Cat Came Back is a cartoon that is very near and dear to my heart, not only because of the insanely catchy nature of the song played over it; but also because I watched it nearly every day of my early childhood.

The Cat Came Back was routinely played as commercial filler between programs during the early days of Nickelodeon.

I’m talking pre-Nick Toons Nickelodeon, back in the day when virtually every show featured on the network was imported from overseas, or in the case of this particular animated short; from the Great White North.

Anyway, this song came up in conversation with my brother this evening, so I figured I’d share with you all just in case you don’t remember/have never seen it before.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Azn Badger, blog, cartoon, funny, Nick Toons, Nickelodeon, nostalgia, short, song, The Cat Came Back

And Now, Dennis Rodman Attempting To Cut A Promo.

In case you’re wondering, here’s the actual English translation:

“VADER! ANYONE GETS NEAR THAT CAGE…THEIR HEAD IS BASHED BIG MAN, BASHED!”

Vader of course being the famously spry big man, Big Van Vader, and the cage obviously being a reference to a cage match that was apparently being held at WCW’s Battle at the Beach.

Sadly, I did in fact have to look up a translation for this, as even with my degree in “Improper-As-Fuck English,” I honestly couldn’t figure out what Rodman was trying to say.

Oh well, I suppose you can’t expect a man that kicks cameramen in the nuts to be comfortable cutting a promo on live television:

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, 1997, Bulls, cameraman, Dennis Rodman, Eugene Amos, fun, promo, Vader, WCW, wrestling

Concealable Weapons You’re Not Cool Enough To Carry: Codpiece Revolver

What Is It?:

A 12-shot revolver stored in and fired from a leather codpiece.

Who’s Used It:

Tom Savini.

Why Am I Not Cool Enough To Carry It?:

Because you’re name isn’t fucking Sex Machine, that’s why.

From Dusk Till Dawn was a film with many awesome and memorable elements to it, however I think it’s hard to deny that the master of gore himself, Tom Savini’s character of Sex Machine was one of the better parts of it.

That’s saying a lot when you’re talking about a movie that features Salma Hayek in a bikini, Fred Williamson, buckets of gore, and, well Salma Hayek in fucking a bikini.

Pictured: Adolesence.

Like many weapons featured in these articles, the codpiece revolver is far from the more practical weapons one could employ for self-defense purposes, however it’s this element of it’s design that makes it much too cool to be put in the hands of mere mortals.

Think about it:

In order to aim the codpiece revolver, you’d have to walk around all bowlegged n’shit, pointing your cock at things that you’d like to see stop living.

Not only that, while Sex Machine never showed it, on account of being A FUCKING MAN, in firing the codpiece revolver, I’d assume the recoil would do a number on your frank and beans.

I don’t know about you, but if ever I were to wish death upon someone, I don’t think I’d wanna’ rupture my sac in doing so.

I’ll leave that to the Sex Machine’s of the world, thank you very much.

I’m getting ahead of myself though.

You see, the real problem in carrying, let alone handling a codpiece revolver, is the simple fact that, as I indicated in the first sentence of this segment of the article; YOU AREN’T FUCKING SEX MACHINE.

Nor is The Punisher for that matter...

Did you see how he operated the cock revolver in the clip at the top of the post?

He gave Greg Nicotero a dirty look, and then bam!

It opened.

Another dirty look, and the thing snapped shut.

No springs, no pneumatics, just a dirty fucking bastard shootin’ people dirty-ass looks.

By my logic, this can only mean that:

A): The cock revolver responds to psychic triggers.

or B): The sausage cannon fights on behalf of the forces of MANLINESS, thereby lending it’s service only to those cool enough to bear badass names such as “Sex Machine.”

In other words:

Even if you were somehow, against every rule in the natural order of coolness, able to get away with walking the streets wearing a gaudy leather cock basket; you’d have no way of operating the weapon due to your lack of legitimate badass-ness.

I suppose you could install a trigger in your rotating penis blaster and operate it manually, but really isn’t the point of having a dick pistol the fact that you can blast one out hands free with it?

Putting aside the fact that you, being possessed of insufficient coolness, would have no way of being able to physically operate a cock cannon in the first place, the fact of the matter is; you’d look like an idiot even if you could.

You see, chief among the requirements for being capable of carrying a codpiece revolver, is the fact that one has to be able to pull off the codpiece “look.”

Pictured: Sting, being a smug-ass bastard and rocking the codpiece look for the sake being a smug-ass bastard.

I don’t know about you, but metal studded crotch pockets aren’t something I could see myself wearing without looking like some dipshit that got way too into The Matrix or The Crow back in the day.

Perhaps more so than a salmon colored polo shirt with the collar popped, I’d like to think of a leather codpiece as being one of the harder “looks” in male fashion to pull off.

Well, outside side of a bondage/gay club anyway.

That being said, I’m sorry friends, but we can’t all be as cool as Sex Machine.

Now enjoy this clip of the aforementioned machine of sex getting his head blown off in Maniac:

Filed under: Comics, Concealable Weapons You're Not Cool Enough To Carry, Movies, codpiece revolver, films, From Dusk Till Dawn, Maniac, Marvel, Movies, Punisher, Robert Rodriguez, Sex Machine, Sting, The Crow, The Matrix, There's Something About Mary, Tom Savini

Remember When Stone Cold Started Saying “What?”

It’s funny, as much as I’ve loved watching the WWF over the years, particularly in my youth; I can actually pinpoint a few fairly specific elements/events that lead to me completely turning my back on wrestling for nearly a decade.

First and foremost, was the general dearth of quality talent in the mid-2000’s.

Both The Rock and Austin had just left the company, and while guys like Chris Jericho, Triple H, Kurt Angle, and, *sigh* Brock Lesnar did what they could to carry the torch, the void left by the 2 legends was just too damn big.

Moreover, by this point the WCW and ECW guys had fully integrated into the roster by this point, resulting in much of the hype and mystique surrounding some of them giving way to the reality of their somewhat eroded in-ring ability.

In short, when the big 2 left, I stopped tuning in for the whole show, instead checking in just to catch the main events from week to week.

Next, was the fact that the quality of the storylines were beginning to flounder at times with atrocious bullshit like the “Katie Vick Incident” becoming increasingly commonplace.

It’s a long story, but in case you’re wondering, the “Katie Vick” storyline involved Kane accidentally killing his girlfriend in a car crash years back, resulting in Triple H mocking her memory by… Dressing up like Kane and fucking a mannequin:

Like I said, long fuckin’ story.

Not worth going into.

Finally, and I might be alone on this one, I feel like the nail in the coffin for my relationship with wrestling in the early 2000’s just might have been Stone Cold’s adoption of “What?” as his new catchphrase.

Listening to Stone Cold, be reduced to a mic toting clown and stumble his way through his promos every week, shouting “WHAT?” at random intervals, was more than a little annoying.

Truth be told, I was never really a diehard Stone Cold fan, largley because he often feuded with The Rock; who I actually was a diehard fan of.

I always “liked” Austin, but he was always 2nd or 3rd banana to The Rock in my book.

That being said, Austin’s “What?” catchphrase was absolutely maddening to behold.

Not only was he not nearly as funny as I think he was expected to be, but to hear the crowd shout “What?” at every pause, in every promo, often times out of synch with the man himself, or worse yet; during promos that he was neither a part of nor mentioned in, was one of the most annoying weekly occurrences I can recall in wrestling.

Well, outside of watching X-Pac do his Bronco Buster twice a fuckin’ night…

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, Brock Lesnar, Bronco Buster, Chris Jericho, ECW, HHH, Kane, Katie Vick, Kurt Angle, Steve Austin, Stone Cold, The Rock, Triple H, WCW, What?, wrestling, WWE, WWF, X Pac

*Ahem!* It’s Water Time.

The clip above is a short video that a friend of mine put together to launch his new website/film troupe, Hapstance Films.

In case you’re wondering, said friend happens to be Sean Parker, who along with Austin Hillebrecht, was responsible for directing/writing/shooting/everything in between the movie Coup De Cinema.

My review for Coup can be found here.

Anyway, I’m bored, tired, and have a stack of movies I’ve been trying to watch for weeks now, so tonight I figured I’d be a whore and give a friend some free publicity.

That being said, given the talent exhibited by everyone behind it, I think it’s more than likely Hapstance Films will go on to have a long and productive life cycle.

Hopefully they’ll crank out lots of good shit sooner rather than later though.

‘Cause otherwise I’ll have to, y’know, write full-length articles n’shit…

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Austin Hillebrecht, Azn Badger, blog, clip, Coup De Cinema, film, funny, Hapstance Films, Portland, Sean Parker, short, Water Time

October 25th: The Day Lots Of Nerds Buy Lots Of Movies

Pictured: The Super-Deluxe-Ultimate-Jurassic Park Blu-Ray Set + Dino-Diorama Playset!

Holy fuckin’ shit, it’s October 25th!

The stars have aligned, Santa’s come to town, and Jesus has WISE-D FWOM HIS GWAVE!

I’m guessing you’re probably not aware of this, but for whatever reason a shit ton of cool movies are coming on video today!

I know DVD releases are traditionally on Tuesday’s, (no idea why) but this week is probably one of the biggest weeks, at least for me; that I can recall in recent memory.

First and foremost, we have the greatly anticipated blu-ray release of the Jurassic Park series pictured above.

I know I’m getting the first movie on it’s own, but time will tell whether I’ll be picking up a copy of The Lost World or not.

As for the unfortunate third entry in the series, Jurassic Park III can suck Tommy Tomasino’s cock for all I care.

Moving on, Captain America: The First Avenger also drops today, hopefully with the cover pictured below:

Pictured: The "good" cover for Captain America.

Seriously man, I don’t what it is, but there are a lot of shitty alternate poster and DVD covers for Captain America floating around out there, so hopefully the one above is the one they actually printed.

Fingers crossed.

Next up is the U.S. release of Attack the Block, which I’ve heard a lot of good things about, but honestly….. don’t have much interest in seeing:

Pictured: The cover of Attack the Block. *NOTE* You must be cool/hip to purchase this film.

I loves me some martial arts in my movies, but something about European extreme sports/parkour/horror-action-comedy movies just turns me off…

Probably has something to do with me not being cool/stoned enough to understand the appeal of the movie.

Next up is a documentary that struck my interest awhile back, The People vs. George Lucas:

Pictured: The cover for The People vs. George Lucas. Nice caricature, though I think it could do with a little more "turkey neck."

The subject matter of this documentary could make for a lot of fun considering how much fodder Lucas has given his fans to work with over the years, not mention how passionate said fans can get whenever he gets the urge to fuck with their nostalgic treasures.

I definitely won’t be buying this one, but I would certainly like to see it someday.

Finally, and I might be the only dork on this blog that gives a damn about this one; the WWF (that’s right, I still call it that) is launching a new series of videos today in the form of a new documentary entitled Greatest Rivalries: Shawn Michaels vs. Bret Hart:

Pictured: The cover to Shawn vs. Bret. I'm not typing the whole title again.

Again, I realize that this one is probably off most people’s radars, but hey; I typed up a little blurb about Attack the Block for you, so in exchange; you have to indulge my old-school wrestling fanboy-isms.

That being said, if the WWF’s track record on documentaries over the past few years is any indication, the interview/movie part of this one will likely be sappy and PG-ed the fuck out, but even so; the promise of a collection of these 2 masters of the ring’s best matches against one another is entirely worth the full price if you ask me.

Anyway, I listed off all of the shit I was psyched about for today, but like any other Tuesday, there’s plenty of other shit coming out that you might be interested in.

Go forth nerds!  Purchase consumable entertainment and boost the U.S. economy!

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, Altered Beast, Attack The Block, Azn Badger, blog, Blu-Ray, Bret Hart, Captain America, DVD, films, III, Jurassic Park, Movies, October 25, release, Shawn Michaels, The First Avenger, The Lost World, The People vs. George Lucas, The Sixth Sense, WWE, WWF

Jack O’ Lantern Time!

Pictured: The Azn Badger's MANLY Jack O' Lantern.

Wow, it’s hard to believe Halloween’s already just around the corner.

Seems like just yesterday I was posting photos of my Jack O’ Lanterns on this blog for the first time…

Anyway, as with last year, the family and I ended up carving a shit ton of pumpkins.

Sadly, only the one at the top of this post was carved by yours truly.

Oh well, faux-pomposity aside, I think everyone deserves a pat on the back for their efforts this year, as we ended up with some pretty awesome one’s this time around.

Take a look!:

Pictured: The Azn Badger's brother's pumpkin.

Pictured: Dad's pumpkin.

Pictured: Mom's pumpkin.

Pictured: The Azn Badger's, Brother's Girlfriend's pumpkin. Try saying THAT 5 times fast.

Pictured: A "tag team" pumpkin.

Filed under: Uncategorized, Azn Badger, blog, carving, family, fun, Halloween, Jack O Lantern, pumpkin

And Now, The Transformers Bickering… In Chinese.

Pay special attention to Megatron’s hilariously drawn out yell of “Starscream!”, and Soundwave’s voice in general.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, argument, Decepticons, Megatron, Soundwave, Starscream, The Movie, Transformers

Concealable Weapons You’re Not Cool Enough To Carry: Chakram

What Is It?:

A sharp, metallic disc of Indian origin used as both a melee and throwing weapon.

Who’s Used It?:

Xena: Warrior Princess, Tron-people, Indians, (“Dot,” not “Feather”) every androgynous anime character in existence.

Why Am I Not Cool Enough To Carry It?:

Because you’re not a Warrior-Fuckin’-Princess.

Oh yeah, and because you’d probably cut your own damn fingers off the moment you put your hands on a chakram.

That’s all besides the point though.

Like seemingly everything Indian in origin, I think of a chakram as being one of the most blatantly hipster-y and silly weapons I could imagine a person of the Western world to carry.

Well, outside of an Atari 2600 controller at least…

Seriously man, when you sit down and really think about it, a chakram is a pretty fuckin’ goofy weapon to walk around with.

I mean, who the fuck wants to walk around with their bad-ass Xena weapon, only to have everyone around you thinking that you’re some hippie/hipster heading to the park to go play so Ultimate Frisbee with the bro’s?

Seriously man, would you want THESE GUYS to invite you to their game of Ultimate?

Functionally, I guess a chakram makes some sense as a self defense weapon, being that it’s made of metal and could very easily be used to brain someone without any sort of technical ability.

Then again, virtually every practical application it holds as a weapon go flying out the fuckin’ window the moment you even think of throwing it.

Xena was a Grecian Warrior-Fuckin’-Princess.

Her superhuman powers were many and varied, ranging everywhere from a lesbianic conversion aura, to a magical, and intensely demoralizing battle cry:

On top of all this though, her amazing chakram (no idea how she got that all the way from India) handling skills allowed her to “boomerang” the weapon and have it return to after every throw.

What I’m trying to say is:

The entire point of having a chakram, is to hurl it at stupid bitches like a bloodthirsty Warrior-Fuckin’-Princess.

It’s not a self-defense weapon, it’s a bladed metal wrecking machine that’s meant to be planted in people’s brains for the purposes of one’s own amusement; typically while screaming like a fuckin’ banshee she-devil.

Unfortunately, unless you happen to be bred from warrior and/or royal stock, chances are you lack the ability to throw a chakram with any sort of accuracy.

Oh yeah, and unless you’ve got Harlem Globetrotters-esque ball/metal hoop twirling skills, once again; you’re likely to lose some fingers in the process.

While it may not be a chakram, here is a visual representation of you, trying to throw and/or recover your goddamn “counter-culture hoop weapon,” AKA chakram:

Basically, if anyone tried to start shit with you and your chakram, you’d probably chuck the damn thing at their head, and like a chump; you’d miss by a country mile and end up looking absolutely pathetic in the process.

We’re talkin’, Star Wars Kid pathetic.

Bottom line is:

Unless you’re a Warrior-Fuckin’-Princess, live in the world of Tron, or are so fuckin’ Indian (“Dot,” not “Feather”) your name is Krishna McIndia-Face; any effort you make to wield a chakram with any sort of dignity will result in you looking like a chump, an Ultimate Frisbee playing hipster, or a Dungeons & Dragons player that’s stuck in the 90’s.

Filed under: Concealable Weapons You're Not Cool Enough To Carry, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, anime, Boomerang, chakram, disc, Frisbee, hipster, Mad Max, Road Warrior, Star Wars Kid, Tron, Warrior Princess, Xena