Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

And Now, Dennis Rodman Attempting To Cut A Promo.

In case you’re wondering, here’s the actual English translation:

VADER! ANYONE GETS NEAR THAT CAGE…THEIR HEAD IS BASHED BIG MAN, BASHED!”

Vader of course being the famously spry big man, Big Van Vader, and the cage obviously being a reference to a cage match that was apparently being held at WCW’s Battle at the Beach.

Sadly, I did in fact have to look up a translation for this, as even with my degree in “Improper-As-Fuck English,” I honestly couldn’t figure out what Rodman was trying to say.

Oh well, I suppose you can’t expect a man that kicks cameramen in the nuts to be comfortable cutting a promo on live television:

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Jack O’ Lantern Time!

Pictured: The Azn Badger's MANLY Jack O' Lantern.

Wow, it’s hard to believe Halloween’s already just around the corner.

Seems like just yesterday I was posting photos of my Jack O’ Lanterns on this blog for the first time…

Anyway, as with last year, the family and I ended up carving a shit ton of pumpkins.

Sadly, only the one at the top of this post was carved by yours truly.

Oh well, faux-pomposity aside, I think everyone deserves a pat on the back for their efforts this year, as we ended up with some pretty awesome one’s this time around.

Take a look!:

Pictured: The Azn Badger's brother's pumpkin.

Pictured: Dad's pumpkin.


Pictured: Mom's pumpkin.


Pictured: The Azn Badger's, Brother's Girlfriend's pumpkin. Try saying THAT 5 times fast.


Pictured: A "tag team" pumpkin.

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Way To Keep Sane At Work #47: Squeezing Random Squeezeables

Today was a really slow day at work.

When things get slow at Amazon, I find that I have more than a few options in terms of how I can prevent the onset of tedium induced insanity.

First on the list, is to talk to myself; sometimes using goofy voices just for the hell of it.

Though that’s usually my go-to method of keeping myself sane at work, the possibilities for potentially embarrassing encounters with co-workers is honestly just a little bit too high to be practical.

Seriously, no one wants to get caught playing out a conversation between Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior all by their lonesome, that’s just plain embarrassing.

Trust me, the last time it happened to me, I got some truly fucked up sideways glances for it…

*Ahem!* Anyway, my second favorite method of keeping sane at work, is to sing to myself.

Let it be known, the Azn Badger is not someone known for his singing ability.

My choice of songs?

Well, though I’ve been partial to the Tiger Mask and Kikaida theme songs, lately I’ve been singing I’ll Make A Man Out Of You and Gaston from Mulan and Beauty and the Beast respectively.

How the fuck I’ve managed to remember the lyrics to those songs after all these years is beyond me.

Maybe it has something to do with Gaston being the pimpest and most manly song in all of existence…

Anyway, though those are my 2 most commonly practiced methods of retaining my sanity at work, as the title of this article indicates; there is another method I’d like to bring up.

Said method would be squeezing the various squeezable products in the warehouse.

Pretty fuckin’ random, right?

You see, all my life I’ve had this problem with always having to grip things in my hands.

I pick something up, or something is given to me, and for whatever reason; I have difficulty putting it down.

Needless to say, I’m one of those guys that routinely carries too much shit at once, only to end up dropping it all.

It’s a weird quirk, almost Bob Dole-like in it’s grip related tenacity.

We all remember HIM, right?

Although ‘ole Bob did have the advantage of being able to wave his behavior off as a result of war injuries.

Unlike me.  I’m just weird is all.

*Ahem!* Getting to the point, when you’re really fuckin’ bored, you’ll find that doing truly retarded shit like squeezing wedges of brie can make all the difference in relieving your boredom.

Don’t ask me why, but the inherent squishiness of brie makes it just perfect for drive-by squeezings…

Now if only I could eat this without getting the shits for a week...

While squeezing the brie is easily my favorite squeeze related activity at work, there’s a few other items in the warehouse that deserve special mention.

Chief among these is a truly bizarre, and downright creepy looking plush toy called a Sing-A-Ma-Jig.

KILL IT WITH FIRE.

I don’t know if it was the designers intention, but I feel it’s worth mentioning that the Sing-A-Ma-Jig’s mouth honestly looks like the orifice of a sea anemone.

Either that or it looks like an anus.

Check that, it definitely looks like an anus.

And this is considered kid friendly in this day and age?

Anyway, the real fun of squeezing this goofy looking toy, comes from the fact that doing so causes it’s anus mouth to simulate a singing motion, while a single musical note plays through a device inside it for the entire duration of said squeeze.

Repeated squeezing of the Sing-A-Ma-Jig results in a new sound of a different tonality, resulting in much hilarity when the Sing-A-Ma-Jig is squeezed rapidly.

Yes, I am in fact annoying as fuck to work with.

The other squeezeable I’d like to mention, is the Alligator Squeak Mat.

Not recommended for parents with a low tolerance for noise related annoyances...

This guy got me through some rough days, no foolin’.

Here’s an indication of how much squeeze related fun one can have at work with an Alligator Squeak Mat:

Imagine the joy of your basic squeak toy and the amount of annoying ass squeaking that can be accomplished with said toy.

Now take those 2 factors, and multiply them by 20.

Oh yeah, and factor in the fact that said squeak toy just happens to be an alligator AKA an amazingly awesome animal.

20 SQUEAKERS.

Seriously man, some may think that’s a few squeakers too many for a child’s squeak toy, but me; personally I think it’s genius.

That’s 20 different squeaky noises that one can generate, if you’re like me and like to be an ass, you squeeze ’em all at once to make one massive uber squeak.

Did I mention I can be annoying when I’m bored at work?

Anyway, I honestly had nothing to write about tonight, so I decided I would do just that.

For 800 words or so…

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How The Azn Badger Stays Sane At Work…

The Azn Badger works in a warehouse.

Specifically the Amazon.com warehouse in Bellevue, Washington.

Over the course of 10 hours each day, tedium is the name of the game, and as such; it’s really easy to go a little nuts from time to time.

Trust me, I’ve seen some people lose their shit, as well as their jobs due to lack of motivation and occasional violent bouts of insanity.

That being said, myself and some of the other workers have, over the course of the past several months, come up with a few interesting games and activities to keep our minds sharp and occupied while our bodies toil in the boring and repetitive world of warehouse work.

Here are just a few examples of said activities:

1. Practice a funny voice or accent.

Okay, admittedly this one isn’t really practiced by anyone other than myself, but even so; it’s helped me get through some of the tougher morning scenarios.

I say “morning,” because I’m generally more “loopy” in the early hours, and thusly more apt to talk to myself.

“More” being the operative word in that sentence, being as I tend to talk to myself a lot regardless…

Anyway, over the past few months I’ve been playing around with Scottish and Australian accents.

I honestly can’t really do either of them very well, but after many days of thinking on and dissecting the diction and quirks behind the 2 accents, I can honestly say I feel I “know” them a lot better than I ever thought I would.

For the record, the only 2 phrases I can say with a legit Scottish accent are:

“Made in Scotland by real Scots.”

and

“You should try it!  It’s delicious!”

The reasoning behind those choice of phrases came from the tag line on some Scottish cereal I found in the warehouse.

Don’t ask…

2.  Exchange movie quotes/Arnold Schwarzenneger quotes.

This one takes a buddy, and an intimate knowledge of movies, but trust me; it’s a blast if you find a partner that can keep up.

So far the most quoted films are Jurassic Park, and any Arnold Schwarzenneger movie EVER.

Seeing as most men know at least some of Arnold’s movies, and can at least partially imitate his voice to humorous effect; I’d say the average person is most likely to enjoy that version of the game moreso than the other.

Even so, don’t underestimate the entertainment value that can be extracted from exchanging Robert Muldoon quotes.

“They should all be destroyed!”

Your turn!

3. “The Pop-Culture Icon” Game.

“The Pop-Culture Icon” game is probably the cream of the crop of boredom relieving games at Amazon.

Well, at least for me anyway.

Before I get ahead of myself, let me go over the rules for the most basic version of the game:

You begin with 2 players.

At the outset of the game, the player that suggested the playing of the game cites the name of a popular fictional character.

From that point on, the object of the game is for both players to cite the names of any popular fictional characters and the name of the source material they originate from in a back and forth manner, with the last letter in each character’s name being the letter that must begin the next consecutive character’s name.

In example:

Player 1 begins the game by stating: “Optimus Prime, Transformers.”

Player 2 would then respond by stating: “The Eradicator, Superman comics,” or any other character whose name begins with “E.”

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Should either player have the desire to stump their “opponent” and “win” the game in doing so, strategy can arise in the form of choosing character names with difficult or rare last letters.

Fox, from Starfox, has proven to be quite popular in the warehouse, as “X” is definitely on of the harder letters to work from, and let’s face it; Fox is pretty fuckin’ easy to remember to use.

While those are the rules of the most basic version of the game, several variations of it have popped up in the warehouse; including movie-centric, comic book-centric, and videogame-centric versions.

Also, bear in mind that the rules can be modified in-game at any point in time.

For instance, today myself and the person I was playing “against” (it’s not a game you play to win, only to have fun and keep busy) were forced to consider ruling out the inclusion of Pokemon and Mega Man characters, as we came to realize that, between the 2 of us we probably could’ve gotten stuck just naming characters from those 2 franchises.

A few other rules that I felt should’ve been instigated are as follows:

Character names should always begin with the first name, and should always include the last name (and it’s last letter) if the player knows it.

Characters should only be used once, regardless of how many aliases they have.

Names of races or species, regardless of whether they are fictional or not; should not count.

Duplicate character names can be reused if the player is able to cite the name of alternate source material.

In case you didn’t notice, I really like this game.

Hell, I played the game for close to 7 hours today.

3 hours consecutively, and sporadically over the next 4.

My “opponent” and I were separated for most of the day, but every time we would pass each other in the warehouse, we’d pause a second to keep the game going.

While I don’t usually feel the need to toot my own horn, I feel it should be said that the Azn Badger is pretty fuckin’ savage at this game.

Seriously man, today I was playing “against” the originator of the game, and I had his ass on the ropes so bad, you don’t even know man…

He was so desperate towards the end that he was dropping bullshit like “T-Rex” just to stay afloat.

Not only that, he went so far as to use “Xavier,” as in “Professor Charles Xavier,” for an “X.”

I don’t care how bad you’re hurtin’, don’t you ever forget Professor X’s first name…

Anyway, I had a lot of fun with this game today, here’s hoping somebody reading this goes out and gives it a try!

 

 

 

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Azn Badger vs. The Giant Spider

You know who that fighter pilot on the right used to be before I shopped him? Clint Eastwood, the original spider killer.

Last night the Azn Badger had an epic life or death struggle with a giant fucking spider.

Clearly, yours truly was the victor, as I was able to type this whole up, but I tell yah’, things got pretty hairy there for awhile.

Let it be known, the Azn Badger has an intense hatred for, and fear of spiders.

Anyway, here’s how it went down:

So it was around 1 AM, and I was lounging around watchin’ Dante’s Peak on Encore.

I was just about to pass out around that time, but I told myself I was gonna’ stay up long enough to see the part where Pierce Brosnan tells Linda Hamilton:

"It's okay, it's got a snorkel."

I love that scene.  Puts a smile on my face every time.

*Cough!* ANYWAY, right after that, I turned off the TV and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water.

Everything went smoothly, I mean I splashed my shirt an’ all, and I almost dropped my cup, and I bumped my knee on the counter…

Okay maybe it didn’t go all that smoothly, but the point is, I got my water and was about to head off to bed when out of nowhere my literal spider-sense went off, and I spied a massive shadow hiding under the vacuum closet door!

I tell yah’, I about shit myself right then and there.

This fucker was massive, really you don’t even know.

Seriously, he was the really savage kind of big, the kind of big where you can clearly make out all of their individual body parts.

He was a muddy dark brown, with menacing pair of mandibles hanging down from his ugly fuckin’ head.

I guess mandibles are like the sports cars of the Animal Kingdom. COMPENSATION.

While his body wasn’t ‘roided out like a tarantula or some shit, in fact he was kind of scrawny in his midsection, he had a thick-ass set of legs that absolutely screamed:

“This fucker can move.”

Legs an’ all, he was a little big bigger than my palm, finger webbing included.

Kinda' hard to see, but it's true, it's true...

What?

The Azn Badger has webbed fingers.

Big fuckin’ deal.

At least I’m not ugly like you.

ANYWAY, being the cerebral and cool-headed individual that I am, I caught myself, clenching my fists, hiking up my shoulders and saying to myself, aloud:

“That’s a big spider.”

You remember that one scene at the beginning of Die Hard where the dude on the plane tells Bruce Willis to make fists with his toes to calm his fear of flying?

Well, being as I was standing there in the kitchen, paralyzed with fear, my mind didn’t consciously shift to “What would John McClane do?” mode, but for whatever reason I found myself curling my toes to hide them from the advance of the, very likely; lightning quick 8-legged death machine standing before me.

My fears proved to be unfounded though, as Spider-Douche hadn’t so much as twitched in the half-minute or so that I had been staring at him.

I fuckin’ hate that about spiders.

They’re quick as fuck, and supposedly some of the most efficient predators alive, but when it comes to dealing with us people, (and badgers) they’re just plain retarded.

Seriously, you chase them into a corner, and instead of, you know; climbing the wall like a smart person, for whatever reason they charge straight at you like they’re the fuckin’ Juggernaut or some shit.

I don’t know, maybe they know we’re afraid of them or something.

Maybe they’re counting on us to recoil in terror and let them pass.

Maybe they aren’t aware that Kleenex and tissues were invented long ago, specifically to allow us the means to meet them in single combat.

Speaking of tissue, that’s exactly where my mind went after about a solid minute of pacing back and forth muttering to myself:

THAT’S a big spider.  That’s a BIG spider…”

Finding no tissue within reach, I decided to bust out the big guns and grab a handful of paper towels, about 4 of them to be exact.

There was no way I was gonna’ let that fucker get one of his hairy brown legs on me, post-mortem or otherwise.

With spider kryptonite in hand, I set out to do battle with the vile beast of 8-legged death.

Then it hit me.

“Remember Badger, this fucker can move.  Ain’t no way you’re gonna’ get inside on him by charging straight in.  You need a plan.”

THIS is what happens when you don't have a plan.

With that, my mind dug through it’s recesses in search of tools or strategies I could play to my advantage over this monster.

REACH,” I thought.

With only 2 steps to go before certain doom, I bid a hasty retreat, praying to God that the beast hadn’t caught on to my gambit.

With my eyes glued to the still immobile God of death, I Scooby-Doo walked back over to the sink and grabbed hold of a dish rag.

A bead of sweat formed on brow, as doubt began to settle in.

“What if I miss?  I’m not a very good shot…”

The 8-legged beast from beyond twitched in response, no doubt sensing the incoming attack.

All thoughts and reservations left my mind as my instincts took over, and with a great “HWAH!” I side-armed the divine dish rag straight into the beast’s grotesquely mandibled face, pinning him to the corner in the process.

Like following up a lead jab with a right hand, I followed the rag in for the kill.

No sooner had the rag hit it’s mark, I was on top of that spider fuck like white on rice.

Doing a modified baseball slide on the kitchen laminate, I splayed out on my side and rammed a right cross into the rag for each and every one of the great beasts 8 legs of death.

After taking a deep breath, I slowly righted myself and extricated the rag from the corner.

The deed had been done, the beast vanquished and sent back to the hell it crawled out from.

No song, nor fanfare would arise from my great victory that evening, but it felt good to know that my parent’s and I could rest without fear of the 8-legged terror mauling us in our sleep

As I marched off the battlefield, and to a very well earned rest, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Yoda’s words from Star Wars Episode I:

"Always two there are. No more, no less."

Deep in my mind, I knew this to be true among the spider clan as well.

Only time will tell if the spider I defeated that evening was the apprentice, or the master…

So, what did we learn today kids?

Let’s review:

The Azn Badger is afraid of spiders.

He’s clumsy.

He has webbed fingers.

His mind jumps to movie references to get him through crisis situations.

And he can’t throw worth shit.

So, you still sure you wanna’ keep reading this blog?

That’s what I thought.

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