Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

The Halloween Breakdown

Pictured: The Azn Badger's MANLY Jack 'O Lantern.

So, I don’t know about you, but I actually tried to make something of Halloween this year.

When I was a kid I did the whole Trick or Treat-ing thing, but in the years since, I’ve kind of treated Halloween as just another lonely and awkward day on the calendar.

Deep down I really wanted to make an effort to have a Halloween this year, but I have a problem that one could describe as “lacking balls,” so I decided to tag along with my good friend Mencius (who had to twist my arm just to make me leave the house) on an aimless trek through the night.

That being said, here’s a bullet-ed breakdown of my Halloween, from start to finish:

  • Woke up.
  • Ate pig sandwich.
  • Browsed web while watching Batman Returns.
  • Went to Unemployment Office for mandatory meeting.
  • Got bored during meeting, drew Gamera on my pamphlet.
  • Went home, resumed watching Batman Returns.
  • Got call from Mencius around the time Batman Wilhelms that one dude and blows up the strong man.
  • Got to the part when Penguin is controlling the Batmobile, got call from friend, hopped on bus to card shop.
  • Played 2 rounds of Magic, went 1-1 against a vastly superior deck.
  • Missed bus back home, had to run 2.5 miles home in time to rendezvous with Mencius.
  • Headed down to Capitol Hill with Mencius, he dressed as “Alternative Medicine,” and me wearing a non-costume in the form of my official Azn Badger t-shirt.
  • Saw a Blondie from The Man with No Name movies that had Ennio Morricone music perpetually playing from his phone.  Brownie points for innovation.
  • Saw a decent Quail Man.

He looked only marginally better than this guy.

      • Encountered hobo asking for money to cure an itch he had in his crotch.  Brownie points for innovation and grossness.
      • Saw a Weird Al Yankovic from his “Fat” music video.  Handcrafted with an embarrassing degree of love.
      • Saw a Ruby Rhod AKA Chris Tucker from The Fifth Element.  Very unique and detailed.
      • Ate sushi and drank tea.
      • Encountered Conservative Jewish Batman.
      • Conservative Jewish Batman expressed sexual frustration regarding female Seattlites, as well as Liberals in general.
      • Many topics were discussed, ranging from comics, to videogames, to politics and economics, though for Conservative Jewish Batman, everything always came back to Reddit AKA “That One Place On The Internet I Never Go.”
      • Sighted an Asian man in the bar that was “living the dream.”

"Living the Dream": Being an Asian man dating an attractive white and/or blonde girl.

        • Decided to call it a night, had long and fruitful conversation with Mencius regarding frustration over white people utilizing random Japanese words in English conversation.
        • It was decided that “Toki Doki” was the most annoying of said Japanese-isms.
And that was my Halloween!

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Old Spice Guy Wants To Play Luke Cage? Fine By Me…

Celebrities (or in this case, pseudo-celebrities) going way out of their way to petition themselves for movie roles isn’t a new thing.

If you remember, Sean Young ran into the offices of Warner Bros. dressed in a homemade Catwoman outfit when she caught word the character was going to be featured in Batman Returns.

Another, similar example of this, was of course Thomas Jane’s ploy in auditioning for the role of Jonah Hex by hiring makeup FX technicians to take headshots of him as Jonah Hex.

Haha, he looks like Christopher Lambert... 20 years ago.

Personally, I’m kind of glad he didn’t get the role, as I’ve always kind of liked Thomas Jane ever since I saw him in Deep Blue Sea.

Shut up.  Deep Blue Sea was awesome.  Renny Harlin can suck a dick though…

Moving on, I remember being somewhat shocked by the debut of Kevin McKidd’s “action reel,” a short video meant to distance the actor from his Grey’s Anatomy and Rome pedigree, and toss his hat into the fold as an action star in training:

The reel may not be the best demo of all time, but just the fact that the man, a Hollywood actor; would go out of his way to put it together on his own time, always impressed me.

Not that Kevin McKidd’s really at all on my radar as a major Hollywood actor…

Anyway, as you may have guessed by the title and subject matter of this article, Isaiah Mustafa AKA The Old Spice Guy From Those Random-Ass Commercials; has gone ahead and made a fake trailer, casting himself as Marvel’s perennial “super strong, super black dude,” Luke Cage:

The trailer is short and sweet, and does well to hide it’s very likely sparse production values with clever lighting and minimalist sets.

As with the case of Kevin McKidd’s fight reel, I can’t help but be impressed by the initiative and drive exhibited by Mustafa by going ahead and making this video.

I can’t speak to the man’s acting ability, as outside of his on-screen charisma in the Old Spice commericials; I’ve yet to see him act, but he has the size and the look to pull it off, and given that he went out of his way to make this video, it’s hard to argue that he probably wants the role more than anyone else at this point.

Truth be told, outside of Thunderbolts and Iron Fist team-ups, I’ve never really paid much mind to Cage.

The character has an intriguing story, and close ties to virtually every major player in the Marvel universe, so it’s inevitable that a movie adaptation is going to be made at some point.

Knowing Hollywood, they’ll probably end up giving the role to Tyrese or some shit…

In any case, they’d be crazy not to at least offer the role to Michael Jai White, given that he has the physicality, acting talent, and is rapidly becoming a known element in Hollywood… Again.

Anybody remember Spawn?... Bueller?

Regardless of what happens in the casting of this film, my only hope is that it’ll turn out better than Elektra

Or Catwoman

Or Fantastic Four

Or Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Aw, who am I kidding, we all know who the reigning champ of suck is...

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Best Boss Music #12: Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage

Maximum Carnage was a decent beat ’em up in an age when beat ’em ups were a dime a dozen.

Produced by LJN for the Super NES and Genesis, the game followed the storyline of the massive Spider-Man crossover of the same name, with the player taking on the role Spider-Man (duh), or in some cases; his nastier (and cooler) counterpart, Venom.

Aside from a rather harsh difficulty level, the only really glaring deficiency of the game, was it’s lack of 2-player simultaneous support.

Honestly, LJN product or not; nobody in their right mind should ever think it’s okay to release a beat ’em up without a 2 player function.

Behold, the rainbow of ass.

Despite this (huge) flaw, the game did offer some interesting innovations to the genre in the form of special items that bestow the player with aid from other superheroes, and Spider-Man and Venom’s decidedly spidery movesets.

The “superhero summon” system was a decent idea on paper, however the item pickups that activated the function were extremely rare, and often were only useful to the player in very specific circumstances.

I remember hating to use the “summons” sometimes, ’cause every time you did, it would trigger an annoying second or 2 long clip of the summoned character’s “theme music.”

That might not sound too bad to you, but try summoning Black Cat 5 times in a row, see what happens.

Yeah, pretty fuckin’ annoying, right?

*Ahem!* Moving on, the movesets for the 2 protagonists were pretty well thought out for their time.

In addition to the classic one button punch combos, throws, and 2 button screen clearing attacks; both Spider-Man and Venom had the ability to run, jump, backflip, (useful for finding items, hidden areas, and nothing else) climb walls in the background, block attacks with their webbing, swing from web lines, grab enemies with their webbing/symbiote, and even slam 2 enemies’ heads together ala Batman in the Batman Returns game on the Super NES.

While most of these features were elementary for the most part, the addition of the web based moves added a lot to the experience.

In addition to giving the player added flexibility to their approach to various fights, an important factor given how absurdly overpowered some of the bosses could be; the web attacks also served to make good use of the Spider-Man license.

On a side note, while some of the character art… and animations… and backgrounds; are kind of shitty, I’ve always felt that LJN did a pretty decent job with the Spider-Man, and in particular; the Venom sprites.

I said "decent," not "great"....

Not that they managed to do anything else right in the entirety of their game developing existence, but that’s besides the point…

Both are animated fluidly, though Spider-Man looks kind of weird given his oddly dick-shaped head and lack of web pattern on his suit.

I always thought it was cool how both had their own unique animations, with Spider-Man’s being more graceful and Venom’s being more brutish.

One thing that kind of sucked, was the fact that Venom was definitely the more difficult character to use than Spider-Man.

As a kid, I always picked him every chance I got, though his slightly slower attack speed and harder levels made for an experience I rarely made it to the end of.

Pictured: THE reason I rarely beat Maximum Carnage.

While Maximum Carnage was indeed only an average (at best) game, my memories of it run very deep.

I remember reading the comic arc around the same time I played the game, and to this day I feel the harsh atmosphere and violent content of the game do well to live up to the original story.

Nevermind that the comic itself was actually kind of shitty, but bear in mind; I was a young and mostly stupid Azn Badger when I read it, so Venom and a healthy dose of violence were pretty much all I needed to be impressed.

Besides my personal attachment to the source material, another silly little bit of nostalgia worth noting, was the fact that the game cartridge WAS FUCKING RED.

FUCKING. RED.

Remember the stupid fuckin’ gimmick of the golden Legend of Zelda carts?

Remember how many fuckin’ copies that game sold?

Well, my guess is LJN was hoping to cash in on the “colored cart” gimmick; and for all intents and purposes, it worked.

Just ask Killer Instinct

Biter...

I’m not saying the game sold all that well, (my guess is: it didn’t) but for me and my friends, the promise of a BLOOD/CARNAGE RED cart to shove into our Super NES’ was one that was awful tempting.

Anyway, another little gimmick, and one that I never really found any reason to get excited about, even as a kid; was the fact that LJN recruited the rock band Green Jelly to do some of the music for the game.

Now, I don’t know about you; but the only thing I really remember about Green Jelly, was the fact that they did that retardedly awesome rock version of “The Bear Went Over the Mountain” they used in Dumb and Dumber:

While that was indeed really fuckin’ awesome, please bear in mind that I hadn’t even seen Dumb and Dumber by the time I was playing Maximum Carnage.

Oh yeah, and I was a fuckin’ 7 year old kid that was still listening to a GREEN audio cassette of the Ninja fuckin’ Turtles in place of music.

Anyway, Green Marmalade did the soundtrack for the game, and I’ve gotta’ say; while I don’t really know what their songs are/were like, they did a pretty good job with the score for Maximum Carnage.

The score has an appropriately hard rock sound to it, in that the comic arc itself had a mosh pit sort of vibe to it, with Carnage’s mistress, Shriek; acting as the psychic ringmaster to an ongoing street riot in New York for much of the story.

As such, the soundtrack for Maximum Carnage has a very aggressive and sometimes dark sound to it that lends a sense of legitimacy to some of the more serious moments in the narrative.

Just listen the track they use during the cutscenes, it’s simple, but pretty fuckin’ sinister if you ask me:

Standing out as a highlight in the soundtrack though, is the boss music from Maximum Carnage.

Bearing a highly energetic tempo, the boss theme sounds very much the product of a hard rock band:

Truth be told, I really only like the first half of the track, when the primary (digitized) guitar riffs are front and center; however that isn’t to say the track isn’t great from a technical perspective.

My issue with the second half of the track, is that it comes across as being “too fun” for my tastes.

The first half sounds like the background to a fuckin’ supervillain beat down, while the second half sounds a little bit too colorful for it’s own good.

That’s just me though.

Anyway, this has been another (long overdue) installment of the Best Boss Music, tune in tomorrow!

Filed under: Best Boss Music, Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Yesterday’s Movie Quiz

Well, here are the answers to yesterday’s (retarded) movie quiz:

#1.  “The one where the bunny throws up and the hippo shoots everyone.”

Answer: Meet the Feebles.


I remember it was sometime when I was around 10 or 11 that I walked in on the ending sequence of Meet the Feebles.

You see, my brother and his friends had been going through their Quentin Tarantino/cult cinema phase of life for the past few years, so it was only natural that I’d walk in on them watching something fucked up at some point in time.

Anyway, the phrase I used to sum up the movie really is just about all I know of it, and will probably never forget for years to come.

#2.  “The one where the alien jumps out of the guy’s chest.”

Answer: Alien (duh).


Come on now, we all know this one, right?

To be honest, I actually saw Aliens before the original Alien, and to this day I still like it better.

The iconic scene in Alien, where John Hurt has a xenomorph bust through his ribcage, is something that is bigger, and better known than the movie as a whole.

Thanks to things like Animaniacs, and Spaceballs, which parodied this sequence, I knew of this key scene long before I ever saw the movie.

Man, what it would’ve been like to have seen Alien without knowing what was coming…

#3.  “The one where the alien’s chest opens up and he pulls out a ray gun and kills everyone.”

Answer: E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial.

To be fair, this one is pretty much impossible to get unless you read my post about E.T. awhile back.

In case you missed it, check it out HERE.

Anyway, this was how I knew E.T. until I was in my teens, ’cause up until then I never made it past the opening sequence to disprove my brother’s bullshit (yet oddly superior) description of the opening sequence.

#4.  “The one where Godzilla bleeds (for the first time).”

Answer: Godzilla vs. Gigan.

Well now, this is one that is common knowledge to me, but might be a little bit obscure to others.

The early 70’s was a bloody time for Godzilla movies, as it seemed like the Big G was squirting body fluids like a pedo in a pre-school playground.

*Ahem!* Anyway, in case you didn’t know, (YOU SHOULD) Godzilla got his head cracked open as a result of multiple blows to the head from one of Gigan’s bladed hook arms.

"AND IT'S ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!"

It was a traumatic experience for me a child, almost as bad as when Angilas got his jaw torn open by Mechagodzilla in Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla.

Let’s hope those American film producers don’t fuck Godzilla up again in 2011, like they did back in 1998

#5.  “The one where the guy gets his head stepped on.”

Answer: Bloodsport.

Gotcha!

Let me guess, you probably thought this one was American History X, am I right?

Well, fuck you, YOU’RE WRONG.

Bloodsport and Kickboxer were the elusive holy grail of R-rated movies for me when I was a little kid.

My brother and his friends talked them up all the time like they were the coolest, and most violent movies ever made.

Well, having seen both Van Damme movies about a billion times, I can honestly say that, while hardly violent by modern standards, both are in fact just as awesome as my brother thought they were way back when.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Anyway, there is a scene in Bloodsport, where the big dude that played Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds get’s his head stomped on by the villain, Chong Li.

Chong Li, post head stomp.

I remember overhearing my brother talk about this scene once or twice, and for some reason, that’s what I chose to know Bloodsport by for the first 11 or 12 years of my life.

Then I actually saw the movie, and now I simply know it as “The Greatest Thing in All of Existence.”

#6.  “The one where Batman says, “Eat floor.””

Answer: Batman Returns.

Aw, come on!

Seriously, am I only motherfucker on the planet that remembers this!?

Just like every Batman movie, Batman Returns was hyped to shit, even going so far as to spawn the creation of the oh-so-wonderful Batman: The Animated Series.

Oh yeah, and Happy Meal toys, lots and lots of Happy Meal toys…

I had the 2 on the left...

Anyway, don’t ask me how, but I remember someone telling me that Batman was fighting Catwoman in the movie at one point, and he told her to “Eat floor.”

To this day, I still think that’s fucking awesome.

Only Keaton Batman could get away with saying something so juvenile and bland, and yet still be Batman in my eyes.

Definitely check this one out, ’cause he really says it, and it’s a fucking awesome movie regardless.

#7. “The one with the black rock.”

Answer: 2oo1: A Space Odyssey.

Yeah, I know, this one is just a little bit too vague to be considered a fair quiz question.

You remember the big black monolith that was one of the key elements of 2001?

Well, that’s the “black rock” that I was referring to.

All I knew of 2001 as a kid, was that there was a big, black rectangular “rock” somewhere in there, and that the movie was really fucking long.

To this day, I really don’t care much for 2001.

I guess you have to one of the cool kids to appreciate Kubrick.

#8. “The one with the train that goes too fast.”

Answer: Speed.

Obviously, I labeled this one as a “trick” question because I knew no one would get it.

When I saw the commercials for Speed in the theater and on TV, for whatever fucking reason, all of the snippets taken from the train sequence at the end stuck out to me.

Take a look at this commericial:

The train sequence is like the last 15 minutes of the movie, but it’s featured in quite a bit of the trailer.

Regardless, I know that I was a retarded kid with a limited attention span, so I better not get any nasty comments over this…

Even though I remember Dennis Hopper talking about a bomb on a bus or some shit, my young mind latched onto those images of the train, and filed them away as the key components of the film in Azn Badger land.

I remember the day I actually got to sit down and watch the VHS of Speed, my dad asked me if I wanted to see it, and I said to him:

“Oh, the one on the train right?”

I remember him giving me one of those, “maybe I shouldn’t have fed him paint chips as a baby” looks, and then promptly corrected me.

Pretty much...

Sadly, the amazingly awesome version of Speed that I crafted in my imagination, the one that took place on a train, was smashed that evening, only to be replaced by the amazingly awesome version that is the real Speed.

Anyway, hope you had fun with this, I sure as hell.

So many retarded childhood memories…

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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