Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Concealable Weapons You’re Not Cool Enough To Carry: Codpiece Revolver

What Is It?:

A 12-shot revolver stored in and fired from a leather codpiece.

Who’s Used It:

Tom Savini.

Why Am I Not Cool Enough To Carry It?:

Because you’re name isn’t fucking Sex Machine, that’s why.

From Dusk Till Dawn was a film with many awesome and memorable elements to it, however I think it’s hard to deny that the master of gore himself, Tom Savini’s character of Sex Machine was one of the better parts of it.

That’s saying a lot when you’re talking about a movie that features Salma Hayek in a bikini, Fred Williamson, buckets of gore, and, well Salma Hayek in fucking a bikini.

Pictured: Adolesence.

Like many weapons featured in these articles, the codpiece revolver is far from the more practical weapons one could employ for self-defense purposes, however it’s this element of it’s design that makes it much too cool to be put in the hands of mere mortals.

Think about it:

In order to aim the codpiece revolver, you’d have to walk around all bowlegged n’shit, pointing your cock at things that you’d like to see stop living.

Not only that, while Sex Machine never showed it, on account of being A FUCKING MAN, in firing the codpiece revolver, I’d assume the recoil would do a number on your frank and beans.

I don’t know about you, but if ever I were to wish death upon someone, I don’t think I’d wanna’ rupture my sac in doing so.

I’ll leave that to the Sex Machine’s of the world, thank you very much.

I’m getting ahead of myself though.

You see, the real problem in carrying, let alone handling a codpiece revolver, is the simple fact that, as I indicated in the first sentence of this segment of the article; YOU AREN’T FUCKING SEX MACHINE.

Nor is The Punisher for that matter...

Did you see how he operated the cock revolver in the clip at the top of the post?

He gave Greg Nicotero a dirty look, and then bam!

It opened.

Another dirty look, and the thing snapped shut.

No springs, no pneumatics, just a dirty fucking bastard shootin’ people dirty-ass looks.

By my logic, this can only mean that:

A): The cock revolver responds to psychic triggers.

or B): The sausage cannon fights on behalf of the forces of MANLINESS, thereby lending it’s service only to those cool enough to bear badass names such as “Sex Machine.”

In other words:

Even if you were somehow, against every rule in the natural order of coolness, able to get away with walking the streets wearing a gaudy leather cock basket; you’d have no way of operating the weapon due to your lack of legitimate badass-ness.

I suppose you could install a trigger in your rotating penis blaster and operate it manually, but really isn’t the point of having a dick pistol the fact that you can blast one out hands free with it?

Putting aside the fact that you, being possessed of insufficient coolness, would have no way of being able to physically operate a cock cannon in the first place, the fact of the matter is; you’d look like an idiot even if you could.

You see, chief among the requirements for being capable of carrying a codpiece revolver, is the fact that one has to be able to pull off the codpiece “look.”

Pictured: Sting, being a smug-ass bastard and rocking the codpiece look for the sake being a smug-ass bastard.

I don’t know about you, but metal studded crotch pockets aren’t something I could see myself wearing without looking like some dipshit that got way too into The Matrix or The Crow back in the day.

Perhaps more so than a salmon colored polo shirt with the collar popped, I’d like to think of a leather codpiece as being one of the harder “looks” in male fashion to pull off.

Well, outside side of a bondage/gay club anyway.

That being said, I’m sorry friends, but we can’t all be as cool as Sex Machine.

Now enjoy this clip of the aforementioned machine of sex getting his head blown off in Maniac:

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Filed under: Comics, Concealable Weapons You're Not Cool Enough To Carry, Movies, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Guilty Pleasure: Aquatic Monster Movies

I have a weakness for monster movies.

I’ve always been fascinated by the technical aspect of producing gore effects in horror movies.

This guy knows what I'm talkin' about...

I’ve always been attracted to that lovely, organic “glow” you find in special effects from 70’s and 80’s sci-fi movies.

No, not THAT glow. But still...

But more than anything, I’ve always been fascinated by monsters brought to life by makeup, man-in-a-suit or animatronic effects.

I’ve never watched a monster movie to be scared by it, rather I’ve spent my life watching shitty, feature-length movies solely with the intent of seeing the title monster come to life in a single, carefully choreographed, money shot.

You know that one scene where Pumpkinhead is stalking the kidthrough the cabin, and then he tricks him into thinking he’s leaving, only to charge back into the room and find him in the closet, baring his teeth in the process?

Trust me, it was awesome, even with the retarded subtitles.

Pumpkinhead was more than a dude in a rubber suit in that shot, he was a real monster to me.

Same goes for the T-Rex when his pupil dilated in Jurassic Park, or when Bruce surfaces for the “bigger boat” scene in Jaws.

This in no way reflects my feelings as to which is the superior film. But, it's pretty fuckin' cool.

Don’t even get me started on Godzilla.  He didn’t have money shots, so much as the suit actor playing him simply was Godzilla in every frame of every shot.

... Apparently, this was true whether the cameras were running or not.

Which brings me to the subject of this post, my ridiculous attraction to underwater monster movies.

Ridiculous because most of these movies suck some serious balls.

Even more ridiculous because this attraction led me to excitedly watch and record god-awful TV movies like, The Beast, Creature, and Gargantua.

Unbelievably, EVEN MORE ridiculous because I remember going to see Sphere in theaters solely due to the fact that one or two frames of a Dragonfish attacking the camera were featured in it’s trailer.

I watched the whole fucking movie for THIS. That, and a giant squid that never appeared on screen...

I’m pretty sure that, after seeing Jaws as a kid, my fascination with aquatic monster movies began with Jaws rip-offs.

Orca was kind of flat, but was saved by the fetus scene a leg-bite, and Ennio Morricone.

Piranha was boring as shit, but had one shining moment when it let all those kids get nipped to bits.

Tentacles was an ungodly suck-fest that the Italian people still catch flack over to this day.

And Alligator… well, Alligator was actually a lot of fun and was one of the more self-aware horror movies that I can recall.

FUCK YEAH!

On a side note, I remember sitting through that boring-ass movie The Deep just because it had Robert Shaw and my dad told me there would be a Moray Eel in it.

Well, I remember lots of diving scenes, and the plot having something to do with an opium cache, but I’m pretty sure I fell asleep before the eel showed up.

Silly dad, remembering movies being WAAAAAAAAAY better than they actually were.

I'm lookin' at you Pope of Greenwich Village...

Despite the fact that nearly all of the movies I just mentioned were downright terrible, I remember renting them as a kid solely because they promised to deliver scenes of an aquatic beast tearing the shit out of people.

Or at least scenes of bad actors pretending to get pulled under water while someone opens up a blood pack beneath them.

In some ways, I think it was the inherently “cheap” quality to these movies that made them attractive to me.

Even as a kid, I knew that the reason you never saw the monster too much in a scary movie, was because often times the monster design wasn’t strong enough to be featured onscreen, in full detail.

As I mentioned before, when it comes to monster movies, especially aquatic ones, often times the monster’s presence in the film boils down to nothing more than a few key shots, and an overall “feeling” throughout the movie.

Well, unless you’re Octaman, then you just parade your monster around in full, head-to-toe glory for virtually the entire film.

Yes, I did in fact capture this from Gremlins 2: The New Batch. I'm a dork, I know.

Because of this, I think, as a kid, I felt like maybe I could make an aquatic monster movie.

I mean, come on, all I’d really need is a big monster head for one or two shots, and a bunch of my friends pretending to get eaten by said head, and I’d be set.

Hell, splice in some underwater scenes from an episode of National Geographic and it could be a classic of the genre.

Of course, even as a kid, nothing is ever that simple in life, and so I never made my monster movie.

Unlike this Nazi sack of shit.

Jaws and it’s clones were the catalyst in sparking my interest in aquatic monster movies, but sadly, they have had little to do with keeping my interest alive.

As I grew older, I came to appreciate the, “oh no, I got sucked under and now my death is symbolized by a billowing pool of blood” less and less.

I wanted more.

I said at the beginning of this post that I was in these movies for the monsters, and watching them come to life.

Well, as it turns out, at some point I came to realize that Jaws clones really were that cheap.

Cheap enough that they let me down pretty much every time the monster showed up for the final reel.

Enter: The successor to the Jaws clone, the Alien rip-off.

ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

In my youth, Leviathan, and to a lesser extent, Deepstar Six, were a big deal to me.

In case you didn’t notice, what with the nods to Jurassic Park, Pumpkinhead, and now Leviathan, I’m kind of Stan Winston fan.

In fact, even as a kid, Stan Winston’s name on the back of the Leviathan VHS was more than enough reason for me to beg my parent’s to rent it for me.

Same goes for Pumpkinhead.

Anyway, Stan Winston-gasm aside, Leviathan was ultimately a shitty movie, but fortunately it had some superb makeup effects to, well, make up for it.

Well, maybe except for maybe this eel thing... Looked kind of ratty...

I remember being creeped out by some of the earlier scenes in the movie, in particular the one where the woman’s hair started falling out, and the one where Daniel Stern scratched the shit out of Hector Elizondo’s arm.

In fact, I remember having to stop the movie during the former for fear of peeing my 12 year old pants.

The creature designs in Leviathan were both imaginative and versatile in the sense that they held up to the demands of the script, as well as that of the camera.

True, creative angles and quick cuts were commonplace during Leviathan, but for what it’s worth, many of the monsters were allowed to be shown off in full body shots, however briefly.

It’s unfortunate that the most impressive creature, the one that kills Ernie Hudson for no reason other than the fact that he’s black and… no wait, that really is the only reason, is only on-screen for a few brief seconds.

You're gonna' have to take my word for it, but it looked better in the movie...

I watched Leviathan, more than once, just to see those last few seconds.

Well, that and "Say, "Ah!" motherfucker!"

Deepstar Six was also a shitty movie, but one that I did not have the misfortune of seeing in my youth.

Deepstar Six came out in 1989, the same year as Leviathan, but with a cast of made-for-TV caliber actors, and a boring, seldom seen monster, it was released with significantly less fanfare.

The monster in Deepstar Six is onscreen for all of about 2 minutes, all during the final act of the movie.

In some cases, delaying the appearance of the monster until the last possible moment can be quite effective, but in Deepstar Six’s case, we spend most of the movie forgetting that the movie even has a monster.

Needless to say, Deepstar Six’s monster, while somewhat unique in that it’s a crustacean, and impressive in terms of size, is ultimately one hell of a let down.

Note that the eyes look like fuckin' smily faces.

The movie’s saving grace is Miguel Ferrer’s performance, as he chews the scenery like a roided out beaver, and is largely the only character with any sort of personality.

Oh yeah, and Nia Peeples was very nice to look at.

Well played Miss Peeples... Well, played indeed.

Now’s comes the part of this post where we get to the actual “guilty pleasure” aspect of my fascination with aquatic monster movies.

Truth be told, I didn’t really like Leviathan or Deepstar Six, I merely watched them far more than any sane human should.

Same goes for Deep Blue Sea.

Just about the only reason anyone remembers, or wants to remember Deep Blue Sea.

No, there is another movie, a different movie, one that doesn’t involve a monster brought to life through practical effects.

This movie, is called Deep Rising.

Behold: The good poster. Much like the bad poster, only not sucky.

Deep Rising is a big, noisy, big budget monster movie directed by a pre-Mummy series Stephen Sommers.

I watched it on HBO sometime in my teens, and I fell in love with it.

The movie has a fairly respectable reputation as a solid 2 out of 4 stars, with Roger Ebert even going out of his way to give it a thumbs up.

Among my circle of friends however, it’s either bitterly hated, or completely unknown.

And if THIS GUY doesn't like it, you know it's crap...

Monster movies were pretty commonplace around the time it came out.

If you were a snooty hipster, you were into Mimic (NOBODY liked Mimic when it first came out.)

Hmm, this looks somewhat familiar...

If you were a dumb shit that liked you some Ben Affleck-sauce in your coffee, you liked Phantoms.

Can't quite put my finger on it...

Oh yeah, they both shamelessly ripped off Scream from 2 years before.

And, if were an idiot like me, you were all about Anaconda.

Pictured: The exact measures that Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay were forced to employ in order to steal John Voight's soul.

Yeah, I’ll understand if you never read this blog again.

Deep Rising, despite having a pretty lame trailer, (my young mind immediately labeled it “garbage” after first seeing the trailer) stood out to me as one of the few “action horror/sci-fi” movies that actually delivered on the promises it’s absurdly long genre title indicated.

It was funny when it was supposed to be.

It was scary at times, especially early on.

And perhaps most importantly, it fooled me by having a monster that was NOT a giant octopus, and was instead something a helluva’ lot more impressive and unique.

I guess I can thank the legendary creature creator, Rob Bottin for that last part.

The monster is sort of a giant sea slug/octopus hybrid.

With teeth.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Which is curious, seeing as the monster is described one that swallows it’s prey whole, and then “drinks” it, consuming all but the bones before upchucking said solid materials.

I appreciate how the process by which it hunts and eats is established early on, and in graphic fashion, thusly setting the stakes and letting the viewer know exactly why they should be afraid of the monster.

Yeah, death by "drinking" is on my list for top things I'd never want to experience.

Don’t let my sucking of the monster’s cock fool you though, Deep Rising is, at it’s core, a Stephen Sommers film, and ultimately devotes most of it’s running time to being “fun” and “kooky” as opposed to “scary.”

Treat Williams, Wes Studi, and that one weasly guy from the Hannibal Lecter movies and Boston Public turned out great performances throughout.

Oh yeah, and Famke Janssen was, of course, fun to look at.

Well hello there, naughty Dutch madam...

Although that other weasly guy, the one that seems to show up in virtually every Stephen Sommers movie, was his usual annoying self.

That ugliness aside, I genuinely enjoy watching Deep Rising to this day, regardless of the dirty looks I get for it.

Sidenote: Jerry Goldsmith’s soundtrack for Deep Rising is pretty fucking good.  If you get a chance, give it a listen.  His work on Leviathan also did a lot to add an element of class to the film.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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