Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Azn Badger’s (Hopefully) Makin’ a Movie!

You can thank my good buddy JD for making this image for me. It basically encapsulates everything that is "me." Thanks again buddy.

I love movies.

Not only that, but for most of my life, I’ve wanted to be involved in making movies, as an actor, director, stunt man, pretty much as whatever, so long as I was involved.

The first distinct memory I have of myself wanting to be involved in filmmaking, was when I was very young, probably 8 or 9 years old.

I had a friend over, and we were playing war with Micromasters and my Mega Man X3 gashapons.

We built a fortress out of cardboard blocks for one of the 2 factions, and basically spent the afternoon yelling at each other through the action figures splayed out across the basement floor, occasionally throwing a figure at the fort to simulate a death on the battlefield or an attempted siege.

Oh yeah, for whatever reason, we had Killer Cuts; the soundtrack CD that came packaged with Killer Instinct on the Super NES, blaring from a boombox.

I remember setting Jago’s theme, “Do It Now,” on a loop for the majority of the day:

Whatever man, it was the mid-90’s, America was culturally fucked; and therefore my friend and I were as well.

Still, I’d like to think we turned out okay.

Well, my friend did anyway...

Anyway, at some point during our “play date,” my mom overheard us, and decided to bring down our beefy-ass VHS camcorder to record some of our goofy bullshit.

While my friend and I kept playing as normal, barely even acknowledging my mother’s presence; I distinctly recall several instances where I asked her to film specific aspects of the action, from very specific angles.

While it was basically the equivalent to calling out, “Hey mom, watch me jump!” in many ways, this served as my first experience in playing director.

Over the years I’ve been involved with a number of film projects, mostly in front of the camera; but outside of a handful of stop-motion movies that I made entirely on my own, I feel like I’ve never really directed a movie.

Hell, I made every frame of this movie myself, and somehow I managed to not direct it:

Sure, I’ve been in-charge plenty of times, usually because I was the only person enthusiastic enough about the project to step up and do it,  but I can’t recall an instance where I really took the time to take a step back and focus on getting exactly what I wanted for each shot.

Hell, when it comes to filmmaking, I don’t think I’ve ever taken my time with anything.

At this point in my life, pretty much every movie I’ve made has been an single afternoon/evening affair with my friends, usually amounting to little more than a single scene as opposed to an actual complete thought.

Pretty much every movie I’ve ever made with my local neighborhood buddies has involved guns, fighting, and very little, if any; dialogue.

Needless to say, we never worked from a script.

If that wasn’t ghetto enough, we always reserved all instances of bloodshed for scenes taking place in the bathroom so as to ease the clean-up process.

As silly as it seems, I treasure those memories.

The reason I’m making this post, is because last week I met with my buddies and proposed to them that we get together to make a movie again.

It’s been several years since any of us have made a movie together, and being as I am finally back living in Seattle; I figured now was as good a time as any for a reunion of sorts.

Anyway, we spit-balled a bit, and came to the conclusion that we’d like to remake a past work of ours called “Get Stingray.”

Pictured: The Man That Would Be Stingray...

Basically, it’s a melodramatic and violent revenge movie, with the “Stingray” of the title being the beastly man on whom revenge is sought.

As with any movie I have a hand in from a conceptual standpoint, the plot and characters are pretty much paper-thin, serving as lame excuses to include gunplay and hand-to-hand combat scenes whenever possible.

You remember how exacting and critical I was with my evaluations of the fight choreography in all of my movie reviews?

Well, I’m hoping I can finally bring those perfectionist qualities to the fight work in “Get Stingray.”

What can I say, I know what I like; and this time I really look forward to being happy with the end results.

I hope to spend the next several weeks fleshing out “Get Stingray,” with filming starting ASAP.

Filming will hopefully be an “every weekend” sort of thing, with as many weeks as necessary/possible being utilized in the process.

I’m in no hurry, so long as it gets done.

I’ll keep you guys posted with plot summaries, storyboards (if I make them), production stills, and probably a trailer or 2 if I’m feeling up to it.

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The Best Overkills in Movies: Honorable Mentions

The BFG 9000: A Classic Instrument of Overkill.

Hello all, I decided it would be a good idea to follow-up my list of the Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies with a short list of some of the kills that didn’t quite make the cut.

Hopefully this will preemptively kill some of the nasty comments or disagreements that no doubt will spawn from my choices of the Top 10…

Anyway, the first runner-up I’d like to mention, is one that I really regret omitting.

Said overkill, is Jet Li’s (surprisingly awesome) 2 on 1 handicap match against Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon 4:

Hah, I still can’t get over how Jet Li just can’t seem to get out of the way of Danny Glover’s girlie punches.
Anyway, outside of that; the fight was great.

This movie was one of the first DVD’s I ever bought.

Not only that, but it was crazy savage watching Jet Lit get impaled with a rebar and then shot to shit with an AK-47, especially considering the relatively tame nature of the violence in the Lethal Weapon series.

I especially love the part of this overkill where Mel Gibson picks up Jet Li via the rusty-ass rebar sticking through his midsection.

*Sigh* The only reason this overkill didn’t make the Top 10, was because of fuckin’ Bonnie and Clyde.

You stylish fucks...

Despite not giving 2 shits about Bonnie and Clyde, I couldn’t help but pay tribute to it’s place in history by giving it a spot on the list somewhere.

Fuckin’ conscience, not letting me make cool lists for the sake of coolness…

Anyway, the second runner-up I’d like to mention, is a scene from a movie that, like Bonnie and Clyde, I have not seen.

The movie in question, is the French film, Irreversible:

Be mindful that this sequence is extrememly graphic and should not be viewed by those with weak stomachs.

LAST WARNING, CLICK HERE

I discovered this film, and in particular, this scene; several years ago when I was browsing the web for the “most violent movies.”

Gimme’ a break, I was like 15 at the time…

Anyway, after watching this scene, and reading some reviews of the film, I came to the conclusion that, while the film is very provocative on many levels, it’s not something I really have all that much desire to see.

I’m sorry, but when reviews for a movie cite a rape sequence as being “the most brutal and realist committed to film,” it’s kind of a turn-off.

Honestly, I think my conscience kept me from posting this as one of the Top 10, as it’s simply too brutal to have a place in a Top 10 list on what is supposed to be a fun and entertaining blog.

Next up is yet another Steven Seagal overkill, this time in the form of his famous dismantling of an (almost) young Tommy Lee Jones in Under Siege:

Man, that has gotta’ be one of the best knife fights in movie history…

Anyway, fight-gasm aside, this scene doesn’t really qualify as an overkill in my book.

Sure, the fight is of decent length, and the actual kill has a lot of flesh-wounds building up to it, but for the most part, this is just a standard action movie life-or-death fight.

A fight with stabbing, eye-gouging, and someone getting their head put through a computer monitor….

Okay fine, it’s not just a fight, it’s a Steven Seagal fight, but a fight nonetheless.

Last, but not least, no mention of overkill can be made without mentioning the so-bad-it’s-good kung fu movie, Riki-Oh, a live-action Chinese adaptation of a Japanese manga starring a very young (and buff) Fan Siu Wong.

In short, the final fight in the movie takes the rampant gore and bloodletting of all the previous violent episodes in the film, and puts them to shame:

While this is a superb overkill, an indeed probably the bloodiest I’ve mentioned, I told myself from the outset of things that I was going to omit Riki-Oh, most horror films, as well as any animated films from the list.

I did this to maintain some sense of order and equilibrium on the list, as most of what I decided to exclude from the list are overkills that are exceedingly bloody, and entertaining to bood, but not really worthy of being considered among “the best.”

I also consciously left out the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and The Holy Grail.

Mostly because I don’t care much for Monty Python, but also because that scene was played for laughs, and didn’t really gel with the other entries in the Top 10.

Oh fine, I’ll embed the clip for you…

I just don’t get it…

Also, technically that wasn’t an overkill, as the Black Knight never actually died.
Anyway, off the top of my head, that’s all I got.

It needs to be said however, that the “ice” kill in Van Damme’s Timecop,

The "ice" kill in question. Sorry, no clip available...

as well as just about any fight from Hokuto No Ken (Fist of the North Star) deserve special mention, as does the theater death scene of a certain fascistic monarch in Inglourious Basterds.

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #1: Robocop

Paul Verhoeven’s sci-fi masterpiece, Robocop, has the dual distinction of not only being one of my favorite films of all time, but of also featuring THE Best Overkill in Movies.

Come to think of it, overkill is something that Robocop has a great deal of.

There’s the famed ED-209 overkill sequence:

There’s the slightly more obscure, but no less brutal “melt man” overkill:

But standing head and shoulders above it all, putting all of the competition to shame, is the horrendously brutal death of Alex Murphy (Peter Weller):

While many of the other overkills on this list have a sense of excess that could be considered humorous by some, (I.E. me) the death of Alex Murphy is an overkill that has a sense of urgency and dramatic weight that goes a long way towards legitimizing  it.

Unflinchingly brutal and perhaps more importantly, graphic; watching Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood Smith) and his gang torture, humiliate and ultimately, dismember Alex Murphy always brings a haunting, and alarming sense of wrongness to my conscience.

I love Robocop, and in particular, I love this scene; but that doesn’t keep me from understanding that this sequence was intended to be regarded as

Without a doubt; the death of Alex Murphy is easily the most greatest, most brutal, excessive, and utterly fucked-up Overkill in Movies.

That being said, what say we do a play-by-play of the carnage?:

The scene begins as Officer Alex Murphy stumbles into an ambush.

Surrounded by 5 armed men, Murphy is forced to give up his arms as Clarence Boddicker beats on him a little to try and get him to spill the beans on the whereabouts of his partner, Ann Lewis (Nancy Allen).

Best Shitty Haircut in Cinema History: Nancy Allen, Robocop (1987)

After whacking Murphy in the leg, and bashing him in the spine with the butt of his shotgun, Clarence finds himself interrupted as his fellow gang member, Joe (Jesse D. Goins), walks into the room declaring Lewis previously deceased by his hand.

Pictured: Joe's only contribution to the movie.

Yeah, Joe’s a dick…

With the threat of any remaining police presence now completely removed, Clarence and his gang lighten up and decide to have some fun with Murphy.

Kicking Murphy onto his back on the floor, Clarence paces about and starts talkin’ shit:

Throughout this sequence, it’s worth noting that Clarence, despite sounding downright chummy at times, consistently keeps his gun trained on Murphy’s head.

Placing one foot on the inside of Murphy’s forearm, Clarence stands up, looks down the barrel of his shotgun, and points it at Murphy’s groin.

While making a faux computerized targeting system tone, akin to the tone of a jet fighter’s missile lock tone, Clarence slowly brings the gun to bear, first on Murphy’s head, and then down to his still pinned right arm.

"Eagle One, Fox-3!"

The first shot of our overkill results in Alex Murphy’s right hand being rendered into chunky red mush.

If you look close, you can actually see the prosthetic hand being yanked out of the scene to simulate it's severing.

Being as Clarence Boddicker is a certified, grade-A DICK, a pun is his natural response to the violence:

Clarence Boddicker: DICK of the Ages

Following this, Clarence steps back for a smoke, leaving Murphy’s fate in the hands of his underlings.

...But first we have to watch Murphy bleed for 10 minutes.

Most likely in shock from having just lost his hand, Murphy lurches to his feet and immediately begins to slowly walk away from his assailants.

Being as Clarence’s gang is made up of coke-heads and Junior DICKS, their first act is to ask Murphy where he’s going, and then yell at him to turn around.

For whatever reason, Murphy does just this:

Like any great heel in wrestling, Clarence’s gang pick a body part and work it until it’s nothing but a bloody stump.

Well, being as these guys are using SHOTGUNS instead of submission moves, said process takes only about, oh, one shot.

Now missing an arm, the very same arm that he was previously missing a hand on, Murphy does just about the only thing he can:

Unfortunately, like bullies teasing a fat kid at the pool, Clarence’s gang are truly relentless, as with that they open fire with, literally, everything they’ve got.

First, they shoot him in his kevlar vest:

Then they shoot him there some more…

Then Lewis (who is not dead) stumbles into the room and watches them shoot Murphy in the vest…

Yup, she just stood there. Did absolutely nothing...

And they finish things off by shooting him enough times in the vest to tear it to ribbons and take some tasty chunks out of his torso to boot:

These have all been direct quotes by the way

Now, on any normal day, Alex Murphy would’ve been dead long before Clarence’s gang ran out of ammo, but this is a Paul Verhoeven film, so we’re not allowed to question the violence.

That being said, Murphy finally falls to his knees just as the gang pumps the last of their shells into his poor vest.

Seriously man, that thing had 2 days til retirement…

*Sniff* Don't worry friend, we'll remember you...

With Murphy left lying in pool of his own bodily fluids, one of Clarence’s gang, Emil (Paul McCrane), takes this opportunity to state the obvious:

"Hi, I'm Emil. I die a horrible death in this film!"

Not only that, but *GASP!* Joe takes this opportunity to be a DICK!

"Hi, I'm Joe. I, along with everyone else in this film, also die a horrible death in this movie."

Despite all the laughter and hijinks of his underlings throughout this scene, to his credit, Clarence finally steps forward and decides to put Alex Murphy out of his misery.

Well, either that or he was done with his cigarette and wanted to go home…

"The Tigers are a playin' a game, TONIGHT! I never miss a game..."

Either way, Clarence promptly walks up to Murphy, and casually puts a bullet through his head to call it a night:

Thusly concludes, the Best Overkill in Movies.

It’s brutal, it’s equally difficult and entertaining to watch, and in my mind, it’s simply the only top choice for this particular Top 10 list.

Anyway, thanks for reading, maybe we’ll do another Top 10 sometime.

With that, I’ve decided to go out on a high note by leaving you with this Robocop Rap:

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #2: Marked For Death

Well, well, well, it’s good to see you again Steven Seagal.

While Out For Justice was far and away the superior Seagal film, Marked For Death managed to carve a niche for itself in the vast timeline of Seagal-ian film history by featuring the best overkill in the entirety of his career, as well as being the only film in which Seagal actually kills the same man twice.

Also, it’s one of maybe 2-3 movies in which Steven Seagal is forced to run:

Tee hee, I’ll never get tired of that…

Anyway, Steven Seagal doesn’t actually double-kill a man in Marked For Death, (although one could argue he does more than that by the end of this overkill) rather he kills a pair of twin brothers who just happened to be played by the same man.

The brothers in question are the heads of a Jamaican voodoo cult/drug cartel that just happens to have fucked with Casey FUCKING Ryback’s, I mean, Steven Seagal’s family.

Oh yeah, and they killed his partner.

Protip: DON’T try to fight Steven Seagal, and DON’T fuck with his family.

That being said during the dual-conclusive battles of the film, Seagal recruits the aide of a pimp-ass posse of ass-kickers consisting of Tom Wright AKA The Biggest Fuckin’ Eyebrows EVER,

Tom Wright: Master of Eyebrow-Fu.

and Keith David AKA The Pimpest Voice on the Planet.

Did I mention Keith David had the pimpest voice on the planet?

Being as this is a Steven Seagal film though, neither of these guys will play any sort of role in killing off the 2 major villains in the film.

Seagal doesn’t share his kills…

Anyway, the villains of Marked For Death share a persona going by the name of Screwface.

Don’t ask…

Screwface I engages in a brief melee battle with Seagal, only to have his package sliced open,

WOAH! Now that's just straight-up wrong!

and then promptly have his head lopped off for the purposes of further desecration later in the film.

While the death of Screwface I was indeed tasty, and quite epic in it’s own right, it was by no means an overkill, least of all by Seagal-ian standards…

The real overkill in Marked For Death, the one worthy of the title of #2 Best Overkill in Movies, takes place during the final climactic battle (there were several…) of the film, wherein Seagal takes on Screwface II.

The battle begins as Seagal and his posse raid Screwface II’s nightclub, with a wounded Keith David opting to handle the majority of the underlings and fodder while Seagal goes for the big dog.

Skip to 2:18 for an abridged version of the fight (Sorry!)

Our battle begins as Screwface lunges from the shadows and takes a swing at Seagal with a sword.

Being as Seagal himself is armed with a sword, he naturally deflects the blow.

After a bit of sword-clinking and bladed-patty cake, Screwface II steps back and declares:

With that, Screwface II resumes his attack, only to be met with a retort in form of a slice across his chest (and pimp-ass jacket).

With that, Screwface II once again charges forward, this time making the mistake of stepping into arm’s reach/WRECKING YOUR SHIT range.

This of course results in Seagal flipping ‘ole Screwball II onto his cracked out, colored contact lense wearing ass.

Lookit' 'im, layin' there like a lump... I'm talking about Screwface, by the way.

Shrugging off his trip to the mat like a champ, Screwface immediately scurries out of the hallway and into the bar section of his nightclub palace.

Seagal promptly follows him, assuming quite possibly the fruitiest/most impractical sword stance the world has ever seen.

As soon as they’re on the hardwood, Screwface II bum-rushes the Seagal-inator, clashing swords with him, and eventually managing to disarm him in the process!

I call bullshit!

Hang on, he did what to Seagal?

Huh…

ANYWAY, naturally the 2 lock-up and make a move towards the nearest hard surface so Steven Seagal can…

Get PUNCHED in the face.

Okay, now I know something’s up.

Luckily, the grappling continues and Seagal manages to…

Get PUNCHED in the gut.

THROWN through glass.

THROWN through more glass.

SMASHED face-first into a table.

and THROWN into even more glass.

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!!???

Seriously man, this is a fuckin’ Steven Seagal movie!

Steven Seagal doesn’t get beat up!

Man…………….

Well hang on, let’s take another look at this, I think I just found the problem…

AH HAH!

It was an imposter all along!

Nothing more than a Steven Seagal impersonator, getting his fool-ass whupped tryin’ to be THE MAN.

Finally back in the fight, the REAL Steven Seagal scoops up Screwface II and promptly flips him on his head.

FUCK YEAH!

With Screwface II now halfway across the room, Seagal takes this opportunity bad ass-ily recover his sword:

Now once again armed with their blades, Seagal and Captain Dreads once again square-off, with Screwface II predictably being the aggressor.

As with earlier in the fight though, Screwface II once again makes the mistake of stepping into range one of Seagal’s big mitts, thereby resulting in him taking a shot from the hilt of our hero’s sword.

Either Seagal's tryin' to pinch a loaf, or he just spit in Screwface II's face...

This discourages Screwface II, but ultimately doesn’t stop him from lunging forward with a sluggish and truly ugly thrust.

We all know what happens when you charge straight at Steven Seagal:

With the fight now taken to the dance floor, under the disco lights, Seagal and Screwface II take this opportunity to strike some flashy poses…

POSE.

Okay, maybe Seagal’s not really the best at posing, but whatever, a crazy stare counts.

Anyway, the 2 do some more of that sword-patty cake bullshit you see in movies all the time, until Seagal gets frustrated with his lack of hand-eye co-ordination and calls off the game:

Now, despite having just been cut down the middle of his face with a fuckin’ sword, Screwface II actually manages to tough it out pretty well.

Oh well, as they say:

Anyway, Screwface II’s sword gets knocked out of his hands, but even so he manages to battle back by charging Seagal with a bar table.

Screwface II used Bar Table! It's Super-Effective!

With Seagal now pinned against the wall, Screwface II proceeds to bash his opponent’s head against the pillar behind him.

That's not Seagal.

Nope. No way that's him. It's a fake. A lie. Bullshit.

After STUNT Seagal, (I refuse to believe Seagal took a hit in this fight…) gets his head bashed against the wall about 50 billion times, the REAL Seagal finally steps in and calls an end to the image-killing madness.

With one deft move, the REAL Seagal grabs hold of Screwface II’s face and…

Well, you’ll see:

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah, did I mention that this was where our #2 Best Overkill in Movies officially begins?

That being said, with Screwface II now eye-less, and therefore mostly helpless, Seagal decides to take his usual tactic of throwing his opponent into hard surfaces, and turn it up to 11:

Wow.

That was just about the coolest thing ever.

*AHEM!*

I stand corrected…

Anyway, once both fighters get to their feet, and by that I mean Steven Seagal grabs Screwface II by the hair and hauls his ass up, our Jamaican drug lord somehow summons the strength the throw a punch at Seagal.

While that might’ve worked on STUNT Seagal, this is the real deal we’re talkin’ about, so naturally the punch gets slipped quite handily.

With his opponent off balance, Seagal slips under Screwface II’s arm and grabs hold of his neck and package, and proceeds to snap that fucker over his knee like a popsicle stick:


Not to be outdone by himself in Out For Justice, Seagal decides to go for the gold and truly push the limits of overkill-ery.

With Screwface II now paralyzed, eye-less, and very likely already dead, Seagal takes the poor Jamaican clone and chucks his ass into a wall, again.

Corpse Desecration: An American Tradition...

Whoops, did I say “wall?”

I meant, “elevator shaft.”

"I'm reaaaaaady..... Ready for the big ride baby....."

That’s right folks, our overkill ends with a dude getting chucked down an elevator shaft.

Not only that, but when he finally hits the bottom, there’s a conveniently placed hunk of metal that serves to elevate this kill from a mere “fall,” to a full-fledged “falling impalement.”

Only thing that could make this better is if the elevator came down on him afterwards.

With that, our #2 Best Overkill in Movies comes to an end, but not before Steven Seagal plays us out with the classiest of one-liners:

HAHA!

Get it?

‘Cause they were twins?

Ah fuck, whaddah’ you know….

Tune in tomorrow for the long-awaited BEST OVERKILL IN MOVIES!!!!!!!

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #3: Guyver 2: Dark Hero

Bio-Booster Armor Guyver (Kyoshoku Soko Guyver) will always hold a special place in my heart.

Introduced to me by my cousin from Hawaii, it was the first manga I ever read, and consequently; one of the most influential in regards to my personal creativity.

To this day, I still find myself saying:

“Oh, it’s kind of like Guyver, but…”

Anyway, as well know, anime and manga we’re very much en vogue among the videophiles of the late 80’s and early 90’s, resulting in several fringe production companies making a mad dash to dub/subtitle that shit and bring it over to the states.

To the delight of men like this...

By 1991, sufficient interest in the anime/manga subcategory of entertainment had bloomed in the states, to the point that New Line Cinema actually produced a live-action adaptation of Bio-Booster Armor Guyver, called The Guyver.

Note: Luke Skywalker isn't The Guyver in this movie.

Well, as much as I was excited for this one as a kid, it pretty much took everything awesome about Guyver, and shit all over it.

Sure, the monster costumes were brilliantly designed for the time, and the soundtrack was actually kind of pimpin’ in a heavily electronic and embarassingly 90’s sort of way, but outside of all that; the movie took my heart and threw it in a blender.

Yup, pretty much...

My guess is, somebody over at New Line took a look at the success that they had with the previous year’s live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, (a legitimately good movie) and figured that another movie with guys running around in rubber monster costumes would be a recipe for success.

Sadly, it was:

Flash forward 3 years to 1994, and New Line decides to put out a direct-to-video sequel to their giant pile of Guyver ass-rape.

Now, while Guyver 2: Dark Hero is just about on par with it’s predecessor in terms of shitty screenplays and equally shitty acting, the one thing it got right, was the action.

Oh yeah, and casting David Hayter AKA the English voice of Solid Snake, as the main character:

It's true, it's true...

Directed by Steve Wang, a former director of Power Rangers episodes, the under-appreciated American action movie masterpiece, Drive, and a heavy proponent of martial arts in movies, Guyver 2 was a bloody and extravagant fighting fiesta.

That is, when it wasn’t too busy being overly-talkie and a half an hour too long…

Anyway, despite the fast-paced martial arts fighting of the movie being somewhat contrary to the more samurai/chanbara-esque “one shot, one kill” fighting style of the Guyver manga and anime, this was one case where I appreciated the divergence from the source material.

Enough nerd masturbation, let’s get down to the #3 Best Overkill in Movies:

SKIP TO 2:35 FOR OVERKILL-ERY

Okay, so this particular overkill begins a few minutes into a rematch between the Guyver and some porcupine/rhino lookin’ Zoanoid (monster) that for whatever reason sounds like a cross between a cow and a kitty.

Heh heh, kitty...

Good job sound editor, really took the most logical course of action on that one…

Anyway, the Kitty Zoanoid starts off the fight by rushing the Guyver, only to be flat-out juked like a bitch as his intended target vaults over his head.

Despite this, Kitty responds quickly enough to turn around and get off the first punch, only to have it parried and followed-up with a 3-kick combination topped off by a savage boot to the top of the head.

Said savage kick to the head is immediately followed up by…

What do you think?

Several more rapid-fire boots to the face:

Well, I guess he almost blocked that one...

Finally, after what had to have been 8-9 unanswered boots to the brain, Kitty finally works up the nerve to actually try to avoid one of the innumerably strikes being directed at his decidedly un-pretty face.

*WHIFF!*: The sound of FAIL.

Immediately after having succeeded in making the Guyver look like a chump by making him miss, Kitty capitalizes on the opportunity presented to him by reaching down and SWEEPING THE LEG!

Finally back in the fight, Kitty follows this up by promptly stomping on the Guyver’s chest and doing what he can to stop the poor fucker’s heart function.

A "smell my foot" session gone horribly awry.

With Kitty’s foot positioned squarely on his chest, Guyver reaches up and curls back the Zoanoid’s toes, then wrenches the fucker’s ankle so hard that he flips onto his side like a really lame-ass dreidel.

Once again, TOES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND THAT WAY.

Just before Guyver can hop to his feet, Kitty decides to repay his ass for all the kicks to the face with a big boot of his own.

(Insert metallic *thunk* noise here)

Now officially on his way to mounting a Rocky-esque comeback, (Rocky IV, not II…) Kitty scrambles to his feet and grabs hold of Guyver and chucks that fucker into the nearest wooden surface ala Steven Seagal.

"Next up on the Sci-Fi Channel: Guyver Pole-Dancing!"

As if that wasn’t savage enough, Kitty hulks-out and goes ape-shit on Guyver, busting out a 4 punch combo that would make Sylvester Stallone proud.

Not only that, but things start to look bleak for our hero as Kitty finishes off his savage-as-fuck haymaker combo with a quite possibly the most devastating, Bradshaw-esque Clothesline From Hell in the history of hellish clotheslines:

Note: That is in fact a tree his spine is "crunching" against in that last frame.

Cut to JR and The King totally losing their shit:

Despite the epic savagery of Kitty’s hellacious clothesline, Guyver recovers from it in about, oh, a millisecond.

Seriously, he gets up, Kitty mounts a leaping attack, and then we’re back to square one as Guyver kicks Kitty out of the air and pretty much across the whole fuckin’ forest.

Seriously, does it always have to be fuckin' kicks!?

Once again firmly in command of the action, Guyver follows this up with a Rock Bottom and a People’s Elbow, and then goes for the kill with a Sharpshooter.

Nah, just kidding.

He lays into the poor Kitty with another barrage of kicks to the face, punctuated by one particularly savage, and slow-motion inside spin-kick to the spine.

Now, by martial arts movie standards, that kick would probably prove sufficient as a finishing blow, but c’mon, this is the Guyver we’re talkin’ about!

No dipshit, not THAT Gyver...

THIS Guyver!

That being said, after a brief moment where we cut away from this SUPER-AWESOME FIGHT in order to get back to the UBER-GHEY plot, we finally get to the #3 Best Overkill in Movies.

Things start out fairly pedestrian as the Guyver runs Kitty backwards into a nearby tree, (sadly, there was no furniture in the immediate surroundings) thusly causing him to toss his cookies all over our hero’s shoulder.

"Goddamnit Kitty! Not on the first date!"

In response to Kitty’s decidedly uncouth display of drunken douchebaggery, Guyver promptly extends his High-Frequency Swords AKA Elbow Blades, and jabs them into the bad Kitty’s bad Kitty flanks.

BAD KITTY!

As if that wasn’t bad enough for poor Kitty, Guyver decides to slash him across his belly a few times, you know, just for kicks.

Despite his guts very likely starting to fall out of his midsection, Kitty somehow continues to put up some resistance, offering up his hands to the Guyver to lock up for a pro-wrestling style, well, lock up.

"Kitty's battlin' back!"

Unfortunately, this tactic proves to be utterly foolish, as the Guyver easily overpowers him and does what everyone in these overkills seems to do with people’s joints I.E. bending them the WRONG way.

I feel it best to consult the immortal paragon of ACTING TALENT, Eric Roberts; for a dramatic re-enactment of Kitty’s reaction to the above sequence:

ACTING.

With Kitty now suffering about 4 different abdominal lacerations, and a pair of broken to shit hands, Guyver decides to make use of some of one of the more obscure weapons in his arsenal, his Head Beam.

Ooh, tasty...

WOW!

Way to make with the eye bid’ness Guyver!

With his opponent now utterly battered, broken, and blinded, the Guyver quickly lunges forward to put the pièce de résistance on his Mona Lisa of overkill-dom.

Slamming his palm against Kitty’s face, Guyver pins the poor Zoanoid’s head to a tree, and proceeds to crush the fucker’s skull into cherry Jell-O.

THAT’S how you fuckin’ END a bitch.

A friendly reminder folks, this is just #3, imagine how brutal shit’s gonna’ get by the time we get to #1

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #4: The Last House on the Left (2009)

#4 on our list of the Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies comes from the 2009 remake of the 1972 Wes Craven horror film, The Last House on the Left.

While both films are remembered in the annals of horror film history mostly for their graphic rape sequences, (and little else) the remake has the distinction of having some truly brutal kills to go along with them.

The basic concept of both films is based around the rather unique idea of incorporating a role-reversal in a horror film, involving a couple of (initially) totally innocent parents, turning heel and going balls-out psychopath on a group of rapists/murderers that sexually assaulted their daughter.

That being said, the overkill in question involves the parent’s revenge on a member of the trio of rapists/murderers, Francis, played by Aaron Paul, who looks a whole helluva’ lot like an uglier version of Justin Chatwin AKA Goku from the live-action Dragonball: Evolution.

Goddamn! Both of these guys could give Jennifer Garner a run for her money in the "high-forehead" category!

For the purposes of this article, Francis shall henceforth be referred to as “Goku.”

Anyway, enough talk, let’s get to the overkill:

At this point in the film, the daughter has just dragged herself across a lake, through the woods, and back into her parent’s house, thusly revealing to them the devilish nature of the group of strangers presently taking up residence in their home.

Our overkill begins immediately after an uncomfortable sequence wherein the mom, played by Monica Potter, pretends to come on to Goku with the promise of wine and sex so as to divert his attention away from some family photos on the fridge.

For reasons I honestly don’t remember, Goku walks into the living room, and happens upon the shivering and terrified form of the young girl he helped rape just a few hours ago.

Taking advantage of Goku’s epiphanic moment of incredulity, Mrs. Potter sneaks up behind his Saiyan-ass and bashes him in the back of the skull with a wine bottle.

There's the wine, but where's the sex?

Being as he was caught off guard, and was  thusly unable to summon his ki to put up a protective barrier, Goku is pretty well rattled by the blow to the head.

Even so, he manages to keep his wits about him and chase Mrs. Cameron Poe into the kitchen.

Unfortunately, the wife of Poe grabs hold of a kitchen knife, and though she doesn’t have enough time to lash out and strike with it; Goku proves to be shit-headed enough to walk right into the business end of it anyway.

Undoubtedly in a great deal of pain as a result of the recent addition of a new hole in his torso, Goku does one of those goofy back and forth glances where his face is all like:

With Mrs. Poe still coming to grips with the idea that she is in fact, trying to kill Goku, she is momentarily taken aback following the accidental stabbing.

Goku takes this opportunity to stumble around the kitchen with the knife still lodged in his chest, only to forcefully extricate it a few seconds later.

Not like he was in any sort of hurry or anything,

It's like Christmas except... No, actually it's nothing like Christmas.

Now armed with the very knife he was just shanked with, Goku takes it upon himself to rush Mrs. Poe and shove her ass onto the dining room table for a savage beatdown.

Well, that’s probably what he was hoping to do.

Unfortunate for him, he really only gets to call her a “bitch,” and smack her in the face maybe once before Mrs. Poe kicks him in the Jimmy and crawls back into the kitchen.

Well, at least I think that's a kick to the Jimmy. Kind of hard to see...

Despite the kick to the Jimmy, being as he is still armed with the kitchen knife, Goku is still very much the aggressor in this particular conflict.

Thankfully though, Mrs. Poe is greeted by the sight of her husband, (sadly, not Nicholas Cage…) who calmly extends to her a hand in a Terminator-esque gesture of aid.

"Come with me if you want to live."

I suppose it also helps that her husband is played by that no eye-browed tool from The Last Samurai (Tony Goldwyn).

Watching this man get a sword thrown through his torso was fuckin' awesome.

Anyway, Goku comes charging into the kitchen with knife at ready only to be smacked across the face with a hammer.

Goddamn shaky-cam bullshit. Can't even tell what just hit him...

At least I think that’s what happened.

The very Bourne-esque cinematography makes it kind of hard to tell what actually happened.

Regardless, Goku; in a desperate bid for survival, gets up and chucks what looks like a fancy toaster into the face of the Man with No-Eyebrows.
Once again capitalizing on the shock and confusion generated by his actions, Goku runs out of the kitchen and into the dining room again, this time in an attempt to call for help to his compatriots in the guest house next door.

Unfortunately, the crazy fucking storm going on at the time prevents anyone from hearing his pleas for help, ultimately resulting in Captain No-Brows catching up to him and grabbing hold of the poor guy’s previously broken nose.

Out of context, it almost looks like someone's trying to help him with a bloody nose...

It should be noted that ‘ole Brow-less is in fact a doctor in this movie, one who was actually responsible for treating said nose injury.

IRONY.

With that, Dr. No-Brows puts Goku in a choke-hold and drags his ass, kicking and screaming, back into the kitchen.

Man, whoever did the blocking for this movie needs a dick slap from Michael Clarke Duncan or some shit.

Clearly, Mr. Duncan here approves of said punishment...

Once again back in the kitchen, the good doctor is suddenly struck with a jolt of inspiration taken straight from the Seagal-ian school of revenge.

Needless to say, Dr. No-Brows takes Goku and chucks his ass into a fuckin’ chair:

Man, I'm gettin' flashbacks from #5...

Dragging himself across the kitchen floor and over to the sink, Goku almost manages to get to his feet before Mrs. Poe jumps his ass and starts, well, pulling his hair or some shit.

Either he's about to get a shampoo at the hairdresser's, or he's about to get OVERKILLED.

Seriously man, I know she was supposed to be trying to dunk his head into the sink, but really it just kind of seems like she’s outright blanking on what she should be trying to do.

Anyway, Mrs. Poe proceeds to do what she can to try and drown Goku, however, as tends to be the case whenever Goku is involved, he proves to be too strong to succumb to such an attack.

Thankfully, No-Brows shows up and lends a hand, resulting in the 2 parents exchanging a MEANINGFUL glance between one another:

"Hey, you wanna' watch Bloodsport after this?"

"Take me NOW, you sexy brow-less hunk of man-meat..."

Despite Goku’s head now being very much underwater, Doc Brow-Less once again takes it upon himself to access his more creative instincts as he reaches across the counter and flicks on the sink’s garbage disposal.

Either their sink was clogged with beets and tomatoes, or that man's hand is in the drain...

Now, despite the fact that the 2 parents clearly had Goku’s head fully submerged with little fuss, for whatever reason it seems like they ease up on him just for the sake of watching him scream like a… Well, like a dude with his hand caught in a garbage disposal.

Behold: Goku's "I got my hand caught in the drain" face.

Anyway, like pretty much any man on the planet, Goku starts tweakin’ like the mother of all mother fuckers.

Seriously man, he goes into convulsions, he screams, I’m guessing he shits himself, and all because he thought it would be a good idea to shove his hand down the drain while people were trying to kill him.

I don’t know, maybe he saw a shrimp down there or something…

Anyway, amid all the chaos, we are treated to a truly horrendous shot of Goku’s skinny jeans:

Gives the chills every time I see ’em…

Now, a good thing to keep in mind when watching this sequence, is the fact that we spend a whole helluva long time watching this guy freak out at the sink.

Seriously, this whole overkill is about 3 minutes long, and a little more than 30 seconds of it are solely devoted to Goku losing his shit and most of his hand.

Anyway, after standing around like an idiot for the past half minute or so, Doc Brow-Less FINALLY wakes the fuck up and grabs hold of the hammer he dropped previously.

You can thank the toaster to the face for making him drop it earlier.

Summoning the last of the savage man-strength imparted to him via the astral form of Steven Seagal, Doc Brow-Less heaves the hammer up over his head, and drives the claw end of the hammer into the back of Goku’s skull and into his brain.

So, after a good 3 and a half minutes of overkill-ery, we finally reach the end via a claw hammer shot to the brain.

This was just #4 folks.

Lots more brutality and awesomeness and/or brutal-awesomeness to come!

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #5: Out For Justice

Really, how could we have a discussion about overkill without mentioning Steven Seagal?

Seriously, half of the man’s success as an action star stemmed from his propensity for protracted, and gloriously savage kill sessions at the end of his earlier (and better) movies.

Almost makes you forget that he runs like a feeb:

Hell, I bet half of you didn’t even know he could run.

Anyway, as #5 on our list of the Top 10  Best Overkills in Movies; it needn’t be mentioned that the end fight of Out For Justice is a truly exceptional overkill; even by Seagal-ian standards:

The overkill in question takes place during the climactic confrontation between Seagal’s Gino Felino, and a massively bloated William Forsythe’s Richie Madano.

Honestly man, I don’t know what the fuck was up with Forsythe in this movie, as I can’t really recall having seen him in anything earlier than this movie, but Jesus-fuck he was HUGE.

Goddamn! Even his head is fat!

Anyway, this particular overkill gets brownie points due to dramatic tension between the 2 characters.

Did I really just use the phrase “dramatic tension” in regards to a Seagal movie?

What I mean to say, is that the whole movie is essentially about Seagal chasing Forsythe, who killed the former’s partner and is otherwise guilty of being a crackhead, a homicidal maniac, and for being fucking HUGE when his character is supposed to be on the crack.

Pictured: The APPROPRIATE appearance of a crackhead.

Things come to a head as Seagal finally catches up to Forsythe as the latter is living it up at a house party.

Casey-Fucking-Ryback, I mean, Steven Seagal; of course, crashes the party like the massive tool that he is, and manages to kill off Richie’s entire gang despite taking a nasty bullet to the gut.

Cracked out of his mind, Forsythe makes the rather foolish decision to march out into the open to greet Seagal, citing the fact that he is out of bullets, and thusly should be placed under arrest.

Don't worry, he's out of bullets. Hey, I said this was an "overkill," right?

Seagal?  Doing actual police work?

Not bloody likely!

Oh wait...

With the atmosphere in the room rife with the man-stank of impending physical conflict, Forsythe rushes Seagal, and the overkill officially begins.

As does Richie Madano’s lesson in futility.

Protip: Don’t try to fight Steven Seagal.

Or at the very least, thrown into a shit ton of hard surfaces and/or furniture.

With his prey laying in shambles on the floor, Seagal readies himself by spreading his arms and attempting to pinch a loaf right then and there.

Don't try an' tell me ain't Seagal's "droppin' a deuce" face.

Still reeling from the savagery of Seagal’s uber-savage aikido throw, Forsythe eventually manages to pick himself up and…

Attempts to bum-rush Seagal for the 2nd time in a row.

Despite the epic-savagery of the first aikido toss, the 2nd manages to top it in spades, as this time Forsythe’s spine gets a nasty readjustment via a conveniently placed nightstand.

On the side we also get a nice shot of the diaper/back pad that Forsythe was wearing for this scene, probably to keep from shitting himself in awe of the sheer epicry that was 1990’s Steven Seagal.

So let’s recap:

Forsythe: 0.  JUSTICE: 2.

Despite the odds being heavily stacked against him, to his credit; Forsythe manages to pull a fast one on ‘ole Stevie.

As Seagal is picking Forsythe up from the floor, presumably to prep him for another trip to Ikea hell; the fat man somehow summons the strength to send the both of them through the nearby hand-railing, and off the balcony!

Okay, maybe that wasn’t as epic as I made it out to be, but give me a break; this is just about the only successful attack Forsythe manages to pull off in this fight.

Scrambling to their feet, the 2 men once again lock-up and grapple with one another.

That is, only if you call Steven Seagal grabbing William Forsythe by the head and kneeing him in the face “grappling.”

He's actually trying to crush the guy's head like an egg, but turns out it was too fat.

Stunned, but not terribly injured, Forsythe stumbles back against the wall, and proceeds to totally lose his shit as he makes the meanest of mean faces and tosses a fuckin’ shelf at Seagal.

Now, based on what’s come before, what kind of shit do you think Forsythe tries to pull this time?

If you said, “low blow,” or “a steel chair shot,” then good for you, it show’s your thinking.

Unfortunately, you’d also be

’cause no, Forsythe tries to charge Seagal, for the third time in a row.

This of course, results in more aikido tossing and furniture realignment.

You can almost hear Forsythe shitting himself...

His face now covered in blood, Forsythe finally decides to change up his tactics a little, this time throwing a punch at Seagal.

This of course results in Seagal blocking said punch and returning it with a swift combination of punches, topped off by a tasty kick to the Jimmy.

Protip: DON’T try to fight Steven Seagal.

After a pretty savage stomp on the head, Forsythe somehow manages to reach up from the floor to thumb the shit out of Seagal’s gut wound from earlier in the movie.

Yeeouch! A fat thumb in his fat gut...

Despite the white-hot, searing pain that said sausage-thumb in his gut must bring him, Seagal summons all of his man-strength and grabs hold of Forsythe’s neck runs his ass backwards a few yards and into the kitchen.

Remember, NOBODY beats him in the kitchen.

After chucking Forsythe into a nearby table, Seagal once again readies himself with another impromptu giga-deuce.

Gonna' have to change those pants...

Thus begins the stage of the fight where Seagal’s opponent grows desperate and begins grabbing hold of whatever blunt instuments/bladed objects are readily available, only to have said weapons turned against them.

SAVAGELY.

Forsythe’s first attempt in using said tactic, is to grab hold of a kitchen knife, and start winging it around like a damn fool.

This of course results in Seagal grabbing hold of Forsythe’s arm, and wrenching his wrist out of place.

Funny, almost looks like he's tryin' to teach him how to use it or some shit...

With his wrist now considerably FUCKED, Forsythe’s next bid for victory employs the use of the deadliest of all kitchen utensils:

A pepper mill.

Despite the inherent intimidation factor involved in waving around a pepper mill, Forsythe once again fails to make any sort of contact with his attacks.

Disarming him, and knocking Forysthe’s fat ass to the floor AGAIN, Seagal follows this up by putting the obese fuck’s head through the nearest window.

Gettin' kinda' fucked up there, aren't yah' Forsythe?

Sliding down the windowsill, and back into the kitchen, Forsythe’s scrambles to his feet and grabs hold of Seagal’s sleeve, only to be clubbed over the head with, *GASP* the pepper mill!

Somehow, some way, Forsythe manages to survive the devastating blow from the pepper mill.

Forsythe’s next weapon of choice proves to a classic of kitchen warfare: a frying pan.

Unfortunately, he only really gets to swing it once before Seagal slips behind him, snatches the pan, and bashes the poor fat bastard over the head with it.

How the fuck does he keep gettin' up!?

Now, let it be known, Steven Seagal is not a punchy/kicky kind of guy.

As mentioned previously, his fighting generally consists of throwing people into things/people, but seldom does he ever find a need to throw a punch.

That being said, after the knife, pepper mill, and frying pan, Seagal get a little overconfident, and decides to uncork some of the wimpiest punches of his long career on Forsythe’s face.

It's like watching a fat old man try to Jazzercise or some shit...

Speaking of “uncork,” as Forsythe lies on the floor, chuckling at the fanciful display of feeble combination punching just unleashed on his face, he very slowly begins to make a move for a corkscrew/wine opener!

Shit just got real.

As Forsythe hobbles to his feet, muttering an ominous “fuck you,” we enter the grand finale of our #5 Best Overkill sequence.

With one deft move, Seagal evades Forsyth’s lunge with the corkscrew/wine opener; and promptly jams that fucker into the fat fuck’s face:

Yup, that'd do it.

Thus concludes our decidedly Seagal-ian overkill.

Oh yeah, it should also be noted that, moments after finally killing Forsythe, Seagal also takes the time to shoot the ever-loving-fuck out of the poor fattie’s dead body, ’cause you know; the plot.

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #6: Bonnie and Clyde

#6 on our Best Overkills in Movies list, is what we call a “gimme.”

That is, something that is a given; something that is so obvious that it’s pretty much obligatory to the subject matter.

Bonnie and Clyde is well documented as a game changer in Hollywood cinema, setting a precedent with it’s graphic, flamboyant, and borderline pornographic portrayal of violence, as well as it’s rapid-fire editing style.

You see, in 1967, bullet hits and violence were generally staged in a very theatrical fashion I.E. man mimes getting shot, clutches side in agony and falls down after doing a silly dance.

Kind of like this, but with guns:

Unlike most other films of the time, Bonnie and Clyde employed extensive use of squibs for it’s bullet hits, greatly enhancing their visual and dramatic impact in the process.

Take for example this squib hit from Total Recall:

While I haven’t personally seen Bonnie and Clyde, I’ve been shown it’s historical overkill sequence numerous times, usually in school of all places.

Anyway, that’s enough film school bullshit, let’s make with the overkill:

CLICK HERE FOR CLIP

The setup couldn’t be more classic.

Basically, we have the pair of bank robbers taking a leisurely drive down a country road, celebrating Clyde’s impotence, you know; the usual.

Behold, Warren Beatty being a hipster-doofus with his one-eyed sunglasses.

Anyway, eventually they run across an old man changing the tires of his truck on the side of the road.

I’d just like to take this moment to point out that this particular old man has a habit of nervously twitching and looking off into the nearby foliage every couple of seconds.

Never trust the elderly...

Hmm, I wonder; why on Earth would a seemingly inconspicuous old man act like this?

Surely not because the cops paid him off to help them lure Bonnie and Clyde into a overkill death trap…

Of course that’s why, dumbass.

Anyway, upstanding crazy-as-fuck citizens that they are, Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker decide to pull over and lend the old man a hand.

"Oh it's no trouble sir, I'm just eatin' my apple, wearin' my one-eyed shades, fuckin' my girlfriend, and fleeing from the police, all at once. It's not like I'm not busy or anything."

Pretty much as soon as Clyde hops out of the truck, leaving Bonnie to sit alone; some crazy shit starts goin’ down.

The old man’s eye twitches!

Goddamnit, I told you not to trust him!

A flock of birds fly out from the bushes!

Hmm, now why would they do that?...

Bonnie smiles!

"DURR!! BIRDIES!!!?"

Clyde laughs!

"If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, I.E. make Dick Tracy and a shit ton of money..."

Bonnie gives Clyde a last second “fuck me” glance!

"Do me Clyde. Do me HARD..."

"NOW? Really?...

And then shit goes from choppily edited craziness, to insanely brutal OVERKILL craziness…

Virtually unseen from their sniping positions in the bushes, the police open up on Bonnie and Clyde with one helluva’ Ultra Combo of gunfire.

Yes, those would in fact be entry wounds in his face. A LOT of them.

Unfortunately, neither Bonnie nor Clyde remember the command inputs required to execute a C-C-C-Combo Breaker, thusly resulting in their grisly demises at the hands of a few hundred bullets.

Good girl. Keep that wheel steady...

Seriously, when it comes to, literally; “painting” a target with gunfire, these cops get an “A.”

Needless to say, Bonnie, Clyde, and their sweet-ass truck are torn to ribbons, with Clyde getting sprayed so bad he ends up being spun around on the ground like a dog trying to cure a nasty itch.

"Just a little bit to the right guys. Yeah! That's the spot..."

In all, we are treated to just over 20 SECONDS STRAIGHT of Great Depression era overkill savagery.

Do the math son, 20 seconds is a motherfuckin’ eternity when it comes to simply showing 2 people get shot.

...Or when showing a lady get a wood splinter shoved into her eyeball.

While hardly creative, or even all that graphic by today’s standards, Bonnie and Clyde’s climactic overkill sequence is well remembered as a revolutionary moment in film history.

Why then, with all this overkill savagery; and all these pimpin’ credential is Bonnie and Clyde ranked so low on the Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies?

Because this is my fuckin’ list, that’s why.

Like I said, while I respect the legacy attached to the film, I haven’t even seen it, so honestly you should be happy this one even made the list.

Besides, this is supposed to be a list of the BEST Overkills in Movies, not the bloodiest, or the most famous; the BEST.

Ah c'mon, you knew I had to stick this in somewhere...

That being said, Bonnie and Clyde sits atop the bottom 5 on our list, and trust me; once you’ve seen the top 5, you’ll think twice about questioning my judgment…

Seriously, good shit’s to come.

Stay tuned.

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #7: Universal Soldier

*Note: I am aware that they may be better overkills out there, but c’mon; this is Van Damme vs. Ivan Drago we’re talking about…*

Universal Soldier is not a good movie.

Hell, it’s not even a good Van Damme movie.

Despite this, I doubt any of us will forget the supermarket sequence,

"I kick ass, I kiss ass, and I'm busting heads!"

or watching Van Damme kick the shit out of truckers for absolutely no reason.

"Goddamnt, I'm just trying to eat this tray of popcorn!"

Anyway, this list isn’t about hero worship; it’s about overkill, so let’s get to it.

CLICK HERE FOR CLIP

The overkill in question occurs during the final battle of the film between the 2 crazy, roided-out Universal Soldiers of the title.

Well, maybe Van Damme isn’t, but Dolph is ‘roided out at this point anyway…

Everyone knows the 'roids grant the user He-Man hair...

Being as this is a Van Damme film, the first half of the fight belongs to the villain.

For several minutes straight, Dolph kicks the ever-loving shit out of Van Damme, making the stunt crew and wire team work for their money in the process.

Unfortunately, just as victory seems certain for the uber-Swede, he makes the BIG FUCKING MISTAKE of diverting his attention to Van Damme’s lady friend in the background.

By “diverting his attention,” of course, I mean “chucking a grenade up her ass.”

There are only 3 things in this world you don’t do when Van Damme’s in town.

First, you never throw white powder in his eyes.

That’ll get you kicked in the head, REPEATEDLY.

Second, you never, never, travel through time without the proper authority.

That’ll get your ass Ron Silver-ed.

Yes, that used to be Ron Silver before he touched himself...

And third, you never, ever, EVERRRR, ogle/threaten/rape/blow-up the woman that Van Damme is into, but isn’t actually in a legit relationship with on account of them not fucking, or not having known each other long enough for their feelings to amount to them wanting to fuck.

Seriously Dolph, you were home free until you chucked that grenade up that pretty ladies’ ass…

Jeez, Dolph. I know it was cool n'all, but get over it...

Not only that, but you know that fire your grenade just caused?

Well, it serves to give Van Damme ample opportunity to stand up heroically in front of it, thereby solidifying this part of the fight as his “comeback moment.”

Oh now you've gone and done it...

Needless to say, Van Damme gets back in the fight, managing to land his first noteworthy blows.

I like how 'roids somehow make kicks to the face hurt less.

Despite Van Damme’s angst/kicking power, there’s still the matter of Dolph’s ‘roid enhanced powers…

Due to the vast disparity in strength levels at this juncture, Van Damme still finds himself on the receiving end of a lot of downright silly Full Metal Jacket-esque taunts, in between eating a lot of Swedish knuckle-sandwiches, of course.

In fact, Dolph puts even his ass through a wall at one point.

Goddamn! Somebody ate their spinach...

No matter, Van Damme is in “comeback mode” at this point, thereby making any attacks only serve to enhance, rather than deplete his Belgian man-strength.

At some point, Van Damme manages to snatch an extra syringe of ‘roids off of Dolph’s tactical vest.

Van Damme: Teaching the kids that juicing's the only way to win...

Now, these ‘roids have to be just about the fastest acting chemical substance found on this Earth, as after no more than 5 seconds, Van Damme’s strength level seems to shoot right past ‘ole Dolph.

"Man, you're like half my size! What the fuck kinda' shit you shootin'!?"

With that, Dolph’s days of landing noteworthy blows, or even trying to defend himself come to an end, as things may as well have just shifted from the traditional martial arts movie “comeback mode,” to “Van Damme kicks people in the face mode.”

I'm beginning to see a theme here...

Needless to say, Dolph gets shown all 4 corners of the, uh, barn; and then some.

It all comes to a head when Van Damme gets a hold of Dolph and decides to throw technique and variation out the window in favor of throwing the same punch about 50 billion times.

IN THE FACE x50,000,000,000!!!

Seriously, virtually every drop of blood, and every bruise inflicted on the giga-Swede in this fight were the product of said punches, and seemingly nothing else.

Anyway, the Van Damminator gets his first bit of revenge by putting Dolph through a wall, thusly bringing the fight back outside into the rain.

This leads to a rather bizarre, and very childish bit of banter between the 2:

Well, that was productive.

Anyway, mass face-kicking ensues, resulting in Dolph falling backwards onto a harvester, and the true beginning to our #7 best overkill.

Here are the results of said fall:

Well now, we're regretting that little grenade toss earlier, right?

Wow, that’s a lot of holes!

As one would expect, Dolph doesn’t get up from that one.

Well, not in the traditional sense anyway.

Much like a Michael Myers/Jason Voorhees-style slasher, Dolph tries to trick Van Damme by playing dead, although it’s equally possible he simply passed out for a short time after, well, you saw.

I'm dead, soldier...

Anyway, with his un-impaled hand, Dolph grabs hold of the back of Van Damme’s head, and in one final attempt to finally make our hero a “dead soldier,” tries to pull Van Damme’s face into the harvester blade protruding from his own chest.

Bro'mance at it's most intimate...

If that’s not savage, I don’t know what is.

Unfortunately, Van Damme still has some of that ‘roid sauce in his blood, thusly allowing him to deftly snap the big Swede’s forearm out of place.

I know I said it before, but your arm really isn't supposed to bend that way.

Being as Dolph is still impaled and stuck to the harvester blades, and now has no operational limbs, I’d say his threat level just dropped to zero.

Even so, Van Damme doesn’t like loose ends, so being as this is a 90’s action flick, he runs on over to the power switch for the harvester, and unflinchingly turns that sucker on!

While we aren’t treated to the gloriously gory details of the Swedish slice-o-matic extravaganza,, we do bear witness to a tasty little tidbit of the carnage in the form of a shot of the harvester’s expulsion duct blowing bits and chunks of Dolph out into the night sky.

Rest assured, the next harvest on this particular farm will grow inordinately large and blond from the trickle-down effect of laying Dolph’s liquified form onto the fields…

Oh yeah, and it turns out the chick didn’t get blown up.

Fuckin’ figures…

BUTT.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #8: Freddy vs. Jason

In case you haven’t noticed as of yet, the bottom tier of our Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies list is largely made up of odd and/or controversial kills.

In keeping with this trend, #8 is from Freddy vs. Jason, a slasher movie.

Though one would think that overkill would be commonplace among slasher films, in my experience; this is simply not the case.

Slasher movie kills tend to be gory and over the top, but rarely enacted in the prolonged manner that would suggest overkill.

That being said, while I have a decent background with slasher and horror flicks, I am no expert; so I would like to take this opportunity to apologize if my choice of overkill is not best example the genre has to offer.

All formalities and introductions aside, let’s get to overkill #8: Jason Voorhees killing the ever-living fuck out of a young man named Trey.

Now, what we have here, is the classic: “dude chilling in bed with a beer while his woman’s in the shower, only for Jason to show up and wreck his shit like no other.”

Okay, maybe it’s not a “classic” per se, but seriously man; Jason goes to town on this guy like he stole from him or some shit.

Let’s run a play-by-play:

Trey’s layin’ in bed, watchin’ the game; havin’ a Bud’, nothin’ special,

Man, you better hope that's one TASTY fuckin' beer, 'cause you don't know it, but that's just about the last thing you're gonna' enjoy in life...

then outta’ fuckin’ nowhere, an exceptionally zombie-like and rotted to shit Jason FUCKIN’ Voorhees appears right in middle of his bedroom, lit by a conveniently timed thunderclap!

Man, is it just me; or does he look bored out of his mind?

Gaping in horror at the modern spectre of walking -fucking-death looming over him, trademark machete at the ready; Trey does what any self-respecting man in his position would do:

First he screams like a little bitch,

LIKE A LITTLE BITCH.

and then rolls over onto his stomach.

In the Animal Kingdom, this is what's known as presenting rearward. Either that or being dead. Seriously man, that ain't right...

Hang on, what?

Now, I don’t know what sort of kinky shit Trey and his girlfriend were into, but where I come from; turning your back to a machete, or any danger for that matter; is never a good idea.

It only serves to give those who may be wielding said machetes ideas as to where they could “insert” such instruments.

Thankfully Mr. Voorhees is not as creative as the Azn Badger, otherwise this overkill would probably have to be ranked #1.

No, instead, Jason decides to the go the more traditional route, and simply ram his machete up and down, repeatedly; into poor Trey’s back and spine like he’s playin’ “Jerk-Off the Elephant” on the mother fuckin’ Wii.

Yes, I went there.

By my count, Mr. Voorhees rams that sucker into that that, uh, fucker, no less than 12 times.

To say that Jason gets a little carried away with the machete ass-rape is, of course, not doing this particular episode justice.

In and out... In and out... In and out.....

Cut to Trey’s girlfriend in the shower looking off in the distance, quizzically.

"What's that? I sense... machete rape."

Somehow I doubt this particular lady even knows what the word “quizzical” means.

Anyway, after being impaled about a dozen times or so, Trey’s very likely recently expired form lies on the bed doing that which he undoubtedly valued most in life:

Holding a cold beer.

Seriously, for whatever reason; we’re given a random shot of Trey clutching a beer like it’s the fuckin’ Holy Grail or some shit.

"He did not choose wisely..."

Trey twitches for a bit, and it would seem the deed has been done.

No, as fate would have it, on this particular night; the typically straight-laced and almost German-ly efficiency minded Jason Vorhees, was struck with a sense of artistic inspiration.

With that, Mr. Voorhees plants his machete into the floor, and prepares to put the finishing touches on his masterpiece of overkill-ery…

DUDE!!!!

Seriously man, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME!

Who the fuck knows why Jason had to do that to poor Trent, but count me among the people that are glad he did!

Honestly folks, that is the definition of overkill.

Doing the deed, but going the extra mile to make it something special.

Kind of like an extended session of two-player Elephant Jerk-Off on the Wii…

Filed under: Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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