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The Top 10 Manliest Man Moments #7: The Poe-Dozer

Welcome back folks, to the Azn Badger’s list of the Top 10 Manliest Man Moments!

So far we’ve covered the head-exploding exploits of Kenshiro from Fist of the North Star, the unbridled savagery of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s John Matrix in Commando, and the sporadic and unfocused heroism of Han Solo.

Indeed, with every entry on this list we’ve explored a number of different forms of MANLINESS, and today will be no exception.

Today, as we name the 7th MANLIEST MAN moment in movie history, we enter the 7th circle of MAN-DOM:

Make no mistake, Con Air is a horribly disjointed mess of a movie.

Despite having an all-star cast, Con Air isn’t action-y enough to be an action movie, nor prison-y enough to be a prison movie; resulting in a film that has no fuckin’ clue what it wants to do with itself.

In falling flat on it’s face trying to embody the genres listed above, Con Air falls back on what many Jerry Bruckheimer financed blockbusters attempt to do, namely be “funny.”

Normally this would be acceptable, (and if Michael Bay’s in charge, very likely racist) however in this case most of the funny lines are delivered by DEATH ROW INMATES, making the humor just a little bit morally questionable.

Haha! Serial killers are HILARIOUS!

Despite all of Con Air’s failings, to it’s credit; it remains a very watchable piece of mid-90’s garbage.

One thing the movie did do right though, was give us the awesomeness that is Nic Cage’s Cameron Poe.

Cameron Poe, feeeeeeeels so good....

A quiet Southern gentleman who just happens to be an Army Ranger, Cameron Poe also happens to be mullet-ed and blue jean-ed DEATH on 2 legs.

Case in point, Poe is known to be SO FUCKING SAVAGE that in defending his PREGNANT WIFE against 3 drunken yahoos, 1 of whom is armed with a knife; Poe ends up getting sent to prison for manslaughter.

Seriously man, the guy is SO FUCKING SAVAGE that in killing an armed man in self-defense, he gets sent to prison for 8 years on the grounds that he “should’ve known better,” being as he’s a FUCKING KILLING MACHINE.

Anyway, despite Poe’s infinite awesomeness, Con Air as a movie doesn’t exactly afford him all that many opportunities to be badass.

There’s that one time he rescues a stuffed bunny through “presenting rearward” to a more than a little surprised Nick Chinlund while over-the-top rock music blared in the background:

Somebody just lost their cherry. Not sure who...

Then there was that one time he Chuck Norris-ed the shit out of some Mexicans to the sounds of over-the-top rock music:

The MANLIEST of MANLY maneuvers: The Roundhouse Kick!

And I guess there was that one time he prevented the rape of that one lady from Total Recall by beating the shit out of “The Man Who Always Dies In Movies,” Danny Trejo; also set to over-the-top rock music:

In other words, Cameron Poe; as awesome as he is, seems dependent on the presence of over-the-top stylings of Trevor Rabin’s orchestral synth-rock music in order to get his swagger on and kill the fuck out of, well; apparently mostly just Mexicans.

Cameron Poe’s not racist, there just happen to be a lot of Hispanic bad guys that wander into his path in Con Air.

At least I hope that’s the case…

Thankfully, Cameron Poe’s MANLIEST of MAN moments, and our 7th MANLIEST MAN moment in all of movies; involves no violence directed at Hispanics, but rather  plain ‘ole white guys, which of course makes it all the more PC!:

So here’s the basic setup:

An impeccably dressed John Cusack and that one Irish guy from Star Trek have finally caught up to the Jail Bird, the plane carrying all of the escaped convicts AKA the bad guys.

Chasing after the plane in pair of attack helicopters, the Irish guy orders his pilot to shoot it down; while John Cusack’s Vince Larkin does what he can to protect the government’s property I.E. both the plane and CAMERON FUCKING POE by screaming “CEASE FIRE!” into the ear of the pilot in the front seat.

Dial it down Cusack! The check cleared...

Long story short, some shots are fired, but not enough to knock the plane out of the sky.

During all of this however, Nic Cage’s Cameron Poe is in the process of HULKING OUT over his diabetic friend Baby-O, played by Bubba from Forrest Gump; having just been shot in the gut by John Malkovich’s unitentionally hilarious Cyrus the Virus.

Nearly brought to MANLY tears at the sight of his friends lying on the ground dieing and rapidly losing his faith, Poe does what any self-respecting MAN would do and casually DECLARES HIMSELF GOD and sets out on his way to kill a bunch of people:

Thus begins the awesomeness of MANLY moment #7.

Standing up from tending to his fallen friend, The Poe’s trademark over-the-top rock music starts blaring, and shit gets real, really fuckin’ fast!

Stomping down the aisle of the Jail Bird on a bee line for the cockpit, Poe throws on his MANLIEST of MAN-FACES and ascends to his ULTIMATE level of MAN-SAVAGERY:

Despite the massive aura of MANLINESS radiating from him during all of this, a couple of the bad guys foolishly step up to challenge The Poe-Dozer.

First up is a big-ass blonde, shirtless douchbag with a broken bottle that uses what little time he has left on this Earth to shout a retarded and borderline incoherent threat at The Poe-Dozer:

Just 'cause you've only got a tenth second to issue a threat, doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

As one might expect, size advantage or not; going toe-to-toe with The Poe when he’s in full-on Poe-Dozer Mode get’s this poor shmuck beat to shit something fierce.

Quick as you can say “1, 2, 3” The Poe-Dozer brings it’s blade to bear and claims it’s first victim:

Wham, bam, thank you ma'am...

Not skipping a beat, The Poe-Dozer continues his march of MANLINESS, letting out an obscenely MANLY “HUUOOOAAAH!!!!!” as he steps over the fallen blonde douchebag.

Unfortunately, another bad guy pops up in The Poe’s way; this time armed with a handgun.

Having seen his partner utterly steamrolled by the fury of The Poe-Dozer, the baddie wastes no time lifting his pistol and opening fire.

Bad Guy used Bullet Seed! It's not very effective...

Unbeknownst to this particular bad guy though, The Poe-Dozer is immune to gunfire, thusly causing the otherwise debilitating injury of a bullet to the bicep to seem like little more than a minor annoyance.

… A minor annoyance that serves to ANGER the already POSITIVELY FUMING Poe-Dozer.

That being said, it should come as no surprise, least of all to the bad guy standing before him; that The Poe-Dozer goes to town on this sad sack of fuck with a motherfuckin’ vengeance.

… But not before we cut to a shot of the guy having a moment as he reflects on the error of his ways:

Utterly frozen in disbelief at the sight of The Poe-Dozer’s unflinching reaction to the gunshot wound, the convict finds himself unable to pull the trigger a second time.

His fate sealed, the bad guy quickly succumbs to the unrelenting fury of The Poe-Dozer; falling by the wayside after 3 consecutive straight right hands to the jaw.

... And here comes #3.

At this point the music has already begun to calm down, thereby stripping The Poe-Dozer of his inhuman strength and vengeance fueled MAN-RAGE.

Fortunately, the previous 2 bad guys made up the bulk of The Poe’s resistance in reaching the cockpit, with the last obstacle remaining in his way (besides the fucking door) being the effeminate cross-dressing convict, “Sally Can’t Dance.”

Behold, the dreaded final boss of the "March to the Cockpit" stage in Con Air: The Videogame!

Reverting from his uber-violent Poe-Dozer Mode to the more socially acceptable Southern Gentleman Mode, The Poe sees fit to dispatch “Sally Can’t Dance” in a manner that is fitting, namely that of laying the smack down with an open palm:

Huh, ‘guess I lied about the “no violence towards Hispanics” in this scene.

Oh well.

Technically there’s more to it, but in my eyes this moment marks the conclusion of the 7th MANLIEST MAN moment in movies.

Check back tomorrow for MANLY moment #6 on our list of the Top 10 Manliest Man Moments!

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #2: Marked For Death

Well, well, well, it’s good to see you again Steven Seagal.

While Out For Justice was far and away the superior Seagal film, Marked For Death managed to carve a niche for itself in the vast timeline of Seagal-ian film history by featuring the best overkill in the entirety of his career, as well as being the only film in which Seagal actually kills the same man twice.

Also, it’s one of maybe 2-3 movies in which Steven Seagal is forced to run:

Tee hee, I’ll never get tired of that…

Anyway, Steven Seagal doesn’t actually double-kill a man in Marked For Death, (although one could argue he does more than that by the end of this overkill) rather he kills a pair of twin brothers who just happened to be played by the same man.

The brothers in question are the heads of a Jamaican voodoo cult/drug cartel that just happens to have fucked with Casey FUCKING Ryback’s, I mean, Steven Seagal’s family.

Oh yeah, and they killed his partner.

Protip: DON’T try to fight Steven Seagal, and DON’T fuck with his family.

That being said during the dual-conclusive battles of the film, Seagal recruits the aide of a pimp-ass posse of ass-kickers consisting of Tom Wright AKA The Biggest Fuckin’ Eyebrows EVER,

Tom Wright: Master of Eyebrow-Fu.

and Keith David AKA The Pimpest Voice on the Planet.

Did I mention Keith David had the pimpest voice on the planet?

Being as this is a Steven Seagal film though, neither of these guys will play any sort of role in killing off the 2 major villains in the film.

Seagal doesn’t share his kills…

Anyway, the villains of Marked For Death share a persona going by the name of Screwface.

Don’t ask…

Screwface I engages in a brief melee battle with Seagal, only to have his package sliced open,

WOAH! Now that's just straight-up wrong!

and then promptly have his head lopped off for the purposes of further desecration later in the film.

While the death of Screwface I was indeed tasty, and quite epic in it’s own right, it was by no means an overkill, least of all by Seagal-ian standards…

The real overkill in Marked For Death, the one worthy of the title of #2 Best Overkill in Movies, takes place during the final climactic battle (there were several…) of the film, wherein Seagal takes on Screwface II.

The battle begins as Seagal and his posse raid Screwface II’s nightclub, with a wounded Keith David opting to handle the majority of the underlings and fodder while Seagal goes for the big dog.

Skip to 2:18 for an abridged version of the fight (Sorry!)

Our battle begins as Screwface lunges from the shadows and takes a swing at Seagal with a sword.

Being as Seagal himself is armed with a sword, he naturally deflects the blow.

After a bit of sword-clinking and bladed-patty cake, Screwface II steps back and declares:

With that, Screwface II resumes his attack, only to be met with a retort in form of a slice across his chest (and pimp-ass jacket).

With that, Screwface II once again charges forward, this time making the mistake of stepping into arm’s reach/WRECKING YOUR SHIT range.

This of course results in Seagal flipping ‘ole Screwball II onto his cracked out, colored contact lense wearing ass.

Lookit' 'im, layin' there like a lump... I'm talking about Screwface, by the way.

Shrugging off his trip to the mat like a champ, Screwface immediately scurries out of the hallway and into the bar section of his nightclub palace.

Seagal promptly follows him, assuming quite possibly the fruitiest/most impractical sword stance the world has ever seen.

As soon as they’re on the hardwood, Screwface II bum-rushes the Seagal-inator, clashing swords with him, and eventually managing to disarm him in the process!

I call bullshit!

Hang on, he did what to Seagal?

Huh…

ANYWAY, naturally the 2 lock-up and make a move towards the nearest hard surface so Steven Seagal can…

Get PUNCHED in the face.

Okay, now I know something’s up.

Luckily, the grappling continues and Seagal manages to…

Get PUNCHED in the gut.

THROWN through glass.

THROWN through more glass.

SMASHED face-first into a table.

and THROWN into even more glass.

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!!???

Seriously man, this is a fuckin’ Steven Seagal movie!

Steven Seagal doesn’t get beat up!

Man…………….

Well hang on, let’s take another look at this, I think I just found the problem…

AH HAH!

It was an imposter all along!

Nothing more than a Steven Seagal impersonator, getting his fool-ass whupped tryin’ to be THE MAN.

Finally back in the fight, the REAL Steven Seagal scoops up Screwface II and promptly flips him on his head.

FUCK YEAH!

With Screwface II now halfway across the room, Seagal takes this opportunity bad ass-ily recover his sword:

Now once again armed with their blades, Seagal and Captain Dreads once again square-off, with Screwface II predictably being the aggressor.

As with earlier in the fight though, Screwface II once again makes the mistake of stepping into range one of Seagal’s big mitts, thereby resulting in him taking a shot from the hilt of our hero’s sword.

Either Seagal's tryin' to pinch a loaf, or he just spit in Screwface II's face...

This discourages Screwface II, but ultimately doesn’t stop him from lunging forward with a sluggish and truly ugly thrust.

We all know what happens when you charge straight at Steven Seagal:

With the fight now taken to the dance floor, under the disco lights, Seagal and Screwface II take this opportunity to strike some flashy poses…

POSE.

Okay, maybe Seagal’s not really the best at posing, but whatever, a crazy stare counts.

Anyway, the 2 do some more of that sword-patty cake bullshit you see in movies all the time, until Seagal gets frustrated with his lack of hand-eye co-ordination and calls off the game:

Now, despite having just been cut down the middle of his face with a fuckin’ sword, Screwface II actually manages to tough it out pretty well.

Oh well, as they say:

Anyway, Screwface II’s sword gets knocked out of his hands, but even so he manages to battle back by charging Seagal with a bar table.

Screwface II used Bar Table! It's Super-Effective!

With Seagal now pinned against the wall, Screwface II proceeds to bash his opponent’s head against the pillar behind him.

That's not Seagal.

Nope. No way that's him. It's a fake. A lie. Bullshit.

After STUNT Seagal, (I refuse to believe Seagal took a hit in this fight…) gets his head bashed against the wall about 50 billion times, the REAL Seagal finally steps in and calls an end to the image-killing madness.

With one deft move, the REAL Seagal grabs hold of Screwface II’s face and…

Well, you’ll see:

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah, did I mention that this was where our #2 Best Overkill in Movies officially begins?

That being said, with Screwface II now eye-less, and therefore mostly helpless, Seagal decides to take his usual tactic of throwing his opponent into hard surfaces, and turn it up to 11:

Wow.

That was just about the coolest thing ever.

*AHEM!*

I stand corrected…

Anyway, once both fighters get to their feet, and by that I mean Steven Seagal grabs Screwface II by the hair and hauls his ass up, our Jamaican drug lord somehow summons the strength the throw a punch at Seagal.

While that might’ve worked on STUNT Seagal, this is the real deal we’re talkin’ about, so naturally the punch gets slipped quite handily.

With his opponent off balance, Seagal slips under Screwface II’s arm and grabs hold of his neck and package, and proceeds to snap that fucker over his knee like a popsicle stick:


Not to be outdone by himself in Out For Justice, Seagal decides to go for the gold and truly push the limits of overkill-ery.

With Screwface II now paralyzed, eye-less, and very likely already dead, Seagal takes the poor Jamaican clone and chucks his ass into a wall, again.

Corpse Desecration: An American Tradition...

Whoops, did I say “wall?”

I meant, “elevator shaft.”

"I'm reaaaaaady..... Ready for the big ride baby....."

That’s right folks, our overkill ends with a dude getting chucked down an elevator shaft.

Not only that, but when he finally hits the bottom, there’s a conveniently placed hunk of metal that serves to elevate this kill from a mere “fall,” to a full-fledged “falling impalement.”

Only thing that could make this better is if the elevator came down on him afterwards.

With that, our #2 Best Overkill in Movies comes to an end, but not before Steven Seagal plays us out with the classiest of one-liners:

HAHA!

Get it?

‘Cause they were twins?

Ah fuck, whaddah’ you know….

Tune in tomorrow for the long-awaited BEST OVERKILL IN MOVIES!!!!!!!

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #5: Out For Justice

Really, how could we have a discussion about overkill without mentioning Steven Seagal?

Seriously, half of the man’s success as an action star stemmed from his propensity for protracted, and gloriously savage kill sessions at the end of his earlier (and better) movies.

Almost makes you forget that he runs like a feeb:

Hell, I bet half of you didn’t even know he could run.

Anyway, as #5 on our list of the Top 10  Best Overkills in Movies; it needn’t be mentioned that the end fight of Out For Justice is a truly exceptional overkill; even by Seagal-ian standards:

The overkill in question takes place during the climactic confrontation between Seagal’s Gino Felino, and a massively bloated William Forsythe’s Richie Madano.

Honestly man, I don’t know what the fuck was up with Forsythe in this movie, as I can’t really recall having seen him in anything earlier than this movie, but Jesus-fuck he was HUGE.

Goddamn! Even his head is fat!

Anyway, this particular overkill gets brownie points due to dramatic tension between the 2 characters.

Did I really just use the phrase “dramatic tension” in regards to a Seagal movie?

What I mean to say, is that the whole movie is essentially about Seagal chasing Forsythe, who killed the former’s partner and is otherwise guilty of being a crackhead, a homicidal maniac, and for being fucking HUGE when his character is supposed to be on the crack.

Pictured: The APPROPRIATE appearance of a crackhead.

Things come to a head as Seagal finally catches up to Forsythe as the latter is living it up at a house party.

Casey-Fucking-Ryback, I mean, Steven Seagal; of course, crashes the party like the massive tool that he is, and manages to kill off Richie’s entire gang despite taking a nasty bullet to the gut.

Cracked out of his mind, Forsythe makes the rather foolish decision to march out into the open to greet Seagal, citing the fact that he is out of bullets, and thusly should be placed under arrest.

Don't worry, he's out of bullets. Hey, I said this was an "overkill," right?

Seagal?  Doing actual police work?

Not bloody likely!

Oh wait...

With the atmosphere in the room rife with the man-stank of impending physical conflict, Forsythe rushes Seagal, and the overkill officially begins.

As does Richie Madano’s lesson in futility.

Protip: Don’t try to fight Steven Seagal.

Or at the very least, thrown into a shit ton of hard surfaces and/or furniture.

With his prey laying in shambles on the floor, Seagal readies himself by spreading his arms and attempting to pinch a loaf right then and there.

Don't try an' tell me ain't Seagal's "droppin' a deuce" face.

Still reeling from the savagery of Seagal’s uber-savage aikido throw, Forsythe eventually manages to pick himself up and…

Attempts to bum-rush Seagal for the 2nd time in a row.

Despite the epic-savagery of the first aikido toss, the 2nd manages to top it in spades, as this time Forsythe’s spine gets a nasty readjustment via a conveniently placed nightstand.

On the side we also get a nice shot of the diaper/back pad that Forsythe was wearing for this scene, probably to keep from shitting himself in awe of the sheer epicry that was 1990’s Steven Seagal.

So let’s recap:

Forsythe: 0.  JUSTICE: 2.

Despite the odds being heavily stacked against him, to his credit; Forsythe manages to pull a fast one on ‘ole Stevie.

As Seagal is picking Forsythe up from the floor, presumably to prep him for another trip to Ikea hell; the fat man somehow summons the strength to send the both of them through the nearby hand-railing, and off the balcony!

Okay, maybe that wasn’t as epic as I made it out to be, but give me a break; this is just about the only successful attack Forsythe manages to pull off in this fight.

Scrambling to their feet, the 2 men once again lock-up and grapple with one another.

That is, only if you call Steven Seagal grabbing William Forsythe by the head and kneeing him in the face “grappling.”

He's actually trying to crush the guy's head like an egg, but turns out it was too fat.

Stunned, but not terribly injured, Forsythe stumbles back against the wall, and proceeds to totally lose his shit as he makes the meanest of mean faces and tosses a fuckin’ shelf at Seagal.

Now, based on what’s come before, what kind of shit do you think Forsythe tries to pull this time?

If you said, “low blow,” or “a steel chair shot,” then good for you, it show’s your thinking.

Unfortunately, you’d also be

’cause no, Forsythe tries to charge Seagal, for the third time in a row.

This of course, results in more aikido tossing and furniture realignment.

You can almost hear Forsythe shitting himself...

His face now covered in blood, Forsythe finally decides to change up his tactics a little, this time throwing a punch at Seagal.

This of course results in Seagal blocking said punch and returning it with a swift combination of punches, topped off by a tasty kick to the Jimmy.

Protip: DON’T try to fight Steven Seagal.

After a pretty savage stomp on the head, Forsythe somehow manages to reach up from the floor to thumb the shit out of Seagal’s gut wound from earlier in the movie.

Yeeouch! A fat thumb in his fat gut...

Despite the white-hot, searing pain that said sausage-thumb in his gut must bring him, Seagal summons all of his man-strength and grabs hold of Forsythe’s neck runs his ass backwards a few yards and into the kitchen.

Remember, NOBODY beats him in the kitchen.

After chucking Forsythe into a nearby table, Seagal once again readies himself with another impromptu giga-deuce.

Gonna' have to change those pants...

Thus begins the stage of the fight where Seagal’s opponent grows desperate and begins grabbing hold of whatever blunt instuments/bladed objects are readily available, only to have said weapons turned against them.

SAVAGELY.

Forsythe’s first attempt in using said tactic, is to grab hold of a kitchen knife, and start winging it around like a damn fool.

This of course results in Seagal grabbing hold of Forsythe’s arm, and wrenching his wrist out of place.

Funny, almost looks like he's tryin' to teach him how to use it or some shit...

With his wrist now considerably FUCKED, Forsythe’s next bid for victory employs the use of the deadliest of all kitchen utensils:

A pepper mill.

Despite the inherent intimidation factor involved in waving around a pepper mill, Forsythe once again fails to make any sort of contact with his attacks.

Disarming him, and knocking Forysthe’s fat ass to the floor AGAIN, Seagal follows this up by putting the obese fuck’s head through the nearest window.

Gettin' kinda' fucked up there, aren't yah' Forsythe?

Sliding down the windowsill, and back into the kitchen, Forsythe’s scrambles to his feet and grabs hold of Seagal’s sleeve, only to be clubbed over the head with, *GASP* the pepper mill!

Somehow, some way, Forsythe manages to survive the devastating blow from the pepper mill.

Forsythe’s next weapon of choice proves to a classic of kitchen warfare: a frying pan.

Unfortunately, he only really gets to swing it once before Seagal slips behind him, snatches the pan, and bashes the poor fat bastard over the head with it.

How the fuck does he keep gettin' up!?

Now, let it be known, Steven Seagal is not a punchy/kicky kind of guy.

As mentioned previously, his fighting generally consists of throwing people into things/people, but seldom does he ever find a need to throw a punch.

That being said, after the knife, pepper mill, and frying pan, Seagal get a little overconfident, and decides to uncork some of the wimpiest punches of his long career on Forsythe’s face.

It's like watching a fat old man try to Jazzercise or some shit...

Speaking of “uncork,” as Forsythe lies on the floor, chuckling at the fanciful display of feeble combination punching just unleashed on his face, he very slowly begins to make a move for a corkscrew/wine opener!

Shit just got real.

As Forsythe hobbles to his feet, muttering an ominous “fuck you,” we enter the grand finale of our #5 Best Overkill sequence.

With one deft move, Seagal evades Forsyth’s lunge with the corkscrew/wine opener; and promptly jams that fucker into the fat fuck’s face:

Yup, that'd do it.

Thus concludes our decidedly Seagal-ian overkill.

Oh yeah, it should also be noted that, moments after finally killing Forsythe, Seagal also takes the time to shoot the ever-loving-fuck out of the poor fattie’s dead body, ’cause you know; the plot.

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