Bio-Booster Armor Guyver (Kyoshoku Soko Guyver) will always hold a special place in my heart.
Introduced to me by my cousin from Hawaii, it was the first manga I ever read, and consequently; one of the most influential in regards to my personal creativity.
To this day, I still find myself saying:
“Oh, it’s kind of like Guyver, but…”
Anyway, as well know, anime and manga we’re very much en vogue among the videophiles of the late 80’s and early 90’s, resulting in several fringe production companies making a mad dash to dub/subtitle that shit and bring it over to the states.
To the delight of men like this...
By 1991, sufficient interest in the anime/manga subcategory of entertainment had bloomed in the states, to the point that New Line Cinema actually produced a live-action adaptation of Bio-Booster Armor Guyver, called The Guyver.
Note: Luke Skywalker isn't The Guyver in this movie.
Well, as much as I was excited for this one as a kid, it pretty much took everything awesome about Guyver, and shit all over it.
Sure, the monster costumes were brilliantly designed for the time, and the soundtrack was actually kind of pimpin’ in a heavily electronic and embarassingly 90’s sort of way, but outside of all that; the movie took my heart and threw it in a blender.
Yup, pretty much...
My guess is, somebody over at New Line took a look at the success that they had with the previous year’s live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, (a legitimately good movie) and figured that another movie with guys running around in rubber monster costumes would be a recipe for success.
Sadly, it was:
Flash forward 3 years to 1994, and New Line decides to put out a direct-to-video sequel to their giant pile of Guyver ass-rape.
Now, while Guyver 2: Dark Hero is just about on par with it’s predecessor in terms of shitty screenplays and equally shitty acting, the one thing it got right, was the action.
Oh yeah, and casting David Hayter AKA the English voice of Solid Snake, as the main character:
It's true, it's true...
Directed by Steve Wang, a former director of Power Rangers episodes, the under-appreciated American action movie masterpiece, Drive, and a heavy proponent of martial arts in movies, Guyver 2 was a bloody and extravagant fighting fiesta.
That is, when it wasn’t too busy being overly-talkie and a half an hour too long…
Anyway, despite the fast-paced martial arts fighting of the movie being somewhat contrary to the more samurai/chanbara-esque “one shot, one kill” fighting style of the Guyver manga and anime, this was one case where I appreciated the divergence from the source material.
Enough nerd masturbation, let’s get down to the #3 Best Overkill in Movies:
SKIP TO 2:35 FOR OVERKILL-ERY
Okay, so this particular overkill begins a few minutes into a rematch between the Guyver and some porcupine/rhino lookin’ Zoanoid (monster) that for whatever reason sounds like a cross between a cow and a kitty.
Heh heh, kitty...
Good job sound editor, really took the most logical course of action on that one…
Anyway, the Kitty Zoanoid starts off the fight by rushing the Guyver, only to be flat-out juked like a bitch as his intended target vaults over his head.
Despite this, Kitty responds quickly enough to turn around and get off the first punch, only to have it parried and followed-up with a 3-kick combination topped off by a savage boot to the top of the head.
Said savage kick to the head is immediately followed up by…
What do you think?
Several more rapid-fire boots to the face:
Well, I guess he almost blocked that one...
Finally, after what had to have been 8-9 unanswered boots to the brain, Kitty finally works up the nerve to actually try to avoid one of the innumerably strikes being directed at his decidedly un-pretty face.
*WHIFF!*: The sound of FAIL.
Immediately after having succeeded in making the Guyver look like a chump by making him miss, Kitty capitalizes on the opportunity presented to him by reaching down and SWEEPING THE LEG!
Finally back in the fight, Kitty follows this up by promptly stomping on the Guyver’s chest and doing what he can to stop the poor fucker’s heart function.
A "smell my foot" session gone horribly awry.
With Kitty’s foot positioned squarely on his chest, Guyver reaches up and curls back the Zoanoid’s toes, then wrenches the fucker’s ankle so hard that he flips onto his side like a really lame-ass dreidel.
Once again, TOES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND THAT WAY.
Just before Guyver can hop to his feet, Kitty decides to repay his ass for all the kicks to the face with a big boot of his own.
(Insert metallic *thunk* noise here)
Now officially on his way to mounting a Rocky-esque comeback, (Rocky IV, not II…) Kitty scrambles to his feet and grabs hold of Guyver and chucks that fucker into the nearest wooden surface ala Steven Seagal.
"Next up on the Sci-Fi Channel: Guyver Pole-Dancing!"
As if that wasn’t savage enough, Kitty hulks-out and goes ape-shit on Guyver, busting out a 4 punch combo that would make Sylvester Stallone proud.
Not only that, but things start to look bleak for our hero as Kitty finishes off his savage-as-fuck haymaker combo with a quite possibly the most devastating, Bradshaw-esque Clothesline From Hell in the history of hellish clotheslines:
Note: That is in fact a tree his spine is "crunching" against in that last frame.
Cut to JR and The King totally losing their shit:
Despite the epic savagery of Kitty’s hellacious clothesline, Guyver recovers from it in about, oh, a millisecond.
Seriously, he gets up, Kitty mounts a leaping attack, and then we’re back to square one as Guyver kicks Kitty out of the air and pretty much across the whole fuckin’ forest.
Seriously, does it always have to be fuckin' kicks!?
Once again firmly in command of the action, Guyver follows this up with a Rock Bottom and a People’s Elbow, and then goes for the kill with a Sharpshooter.
Nah, just kidding.
He lays into the poor Kitty with another barrage of kicks to the face, punctuated by one particularly savage, and slow-motion inside spin-kick to the spine.
Now, by martial arts movie standards, that kick would probably prove sufficient as a finishing blow, but c’mon, this is the Guyver we’re talkin’ about!
No dipshit, not THAT Gyver...
THIS Guyver!
That being said, after a brief moment where we cut away from this SUPER-AWESOME FIGHT in order to get back to the UBER-GHEY plot, we finally get to the #3 Best Overkill in Movies.
Things start out fairly pedestrian as the Guyver runs Kitty backwards into a nearby tree, (sadly, there was no furniture in the immediate surroundings) thusly causing him to toss his cookies all over our hero’s shoulder.
"Goddamnit Kitty! Not on the first date!"
In response to Kitty’s decidedly uncouth display of drunken douchebaggery, Guyver promptly extends his High-Frequency Swords AKA Elbow Blades, and jabs them into the bad Kitty’s bad Kitty flanks.
BAD KITTY!
As if that wasn’t bad enough for poor Kitty, Guyver decides to slash him across his belly a few times, you know, just for kicks.
Despite his guts very likely starting to fall out of his midsection, Kitty somehow continues to put up some resistance, offering up his hands to the Guyver to lock up for a pro-wrestling style, well, lock up.
"Kitty's battlin' back!"
Unfortunately, this tactic proves to be utterly foolish, as the Guyver easily overpowers him and does what everyone in these overkills seems to do with people’s joints I.E. bending them the WRONG way.
I feel it best to consult the immortal paragon of ACTING TALENT, Eric Roberts; for a dramatic re-enactment of Kitty’s reaction to the above sequence:
ACTING.
With Kitty now suffering about 4 different abdominal lacerations, and a pair of broken to shit hands, Guyver decides to make use of some of one of the more obscure weapons in his arsenal, his Head Beam.
Ooh, tasty...
WOW!
Way to make with the eye bid’ness Guyver!
With his opponent now utterly battered, broken, and blinded, the Guyver quickly lunges forward to put the pièce de résistance on his Mona Lisa of overkill-dom.
Slamming his palm against Kitty’s face, Guyver pins the poor Zoanoid’s head to a tree, and proceeds to crush the fucker’s skull into cherry Jell-O.
THAT’S how you fuckin’ END a bitch.
A friendly reminder folks, this is just #3, imagine how brutal shit’s gonna’ get by the time we get to #1…
Filed under: Comics, Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, Action, anime, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bio-Booster Armor Guyver, Bradshaw, clothesline, Clothesline from Hell, David Hayter, dreidel, Drive, Eric Roberts, Guyver, Guyver 2: Dark Hero, Hamlet, II, IV, JBL, Jell-O, Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross, JR, Konami, kung fu, Last Action Hero, Macgyver, manga, Mark Dacascos, martial arts, Metal Gear Solid, Mickey Rourke, New Line Cinema, Rocky, Solid Snake, Steven Seagal, Sylvester Stallone, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The King, The Pope of Greenwich Village, weeaboo, wrestling, WWF
