Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Killer Elite: A Movie About Mustaches And Hitting.

I’ve never seen Sam Peckinpah’s The Killer Elite.

I have a great appreciation for the director’s work, in particular The Wild Bunch and The Getaway; but for whatever reason I just never got around to watching it.

Despite this, The Killer Elite was a film that had a surprising amount of presence in my youth, entirely in the form of my dad telling me about it all the fuckin’ time.

He made it sound pretty cool, always making sure to point out how graphic the violence was for the era; a trademark of Peckinpah’s style.

The funny part is, my dad’s taste in movies has proven to be more than a little hit and miss over the years, so in all honesty; I really don’t know if The Killer Elite was actually a good movie, or just one that he remembered being good.

Below is an example of a film my dad remembered being quite a bit better than it actually was:

Anyway, as you might have guessed, given the ongoing trend of Hollywood, and the very recent trend in Jason Statham’s career; The Killer Elite is getting the remake treatment, though for whatever reason the “The” in the title has been axed.

Oh well, at least they didn’t “streamline” the title down to an acronym or some shit.

Don’t even try to tell me Mtn Dew, The Hut, and Syfy were good ideas.

Pictured: FAIL on wheels.

Fuckin’ rebranding bullshit…

*ANYWAY* from what I can tell from the trailer, the movie involves a 70’s porno-stached Clive Owen wanting to kidnap/kill/have kinky bondage sex with Jason Statham, and in-between it all Robert De Niro gets dragged into things and mayhem ensues.

While the remake will no doubt have difficulty measuring up to the original, but in terms of straight-up mindless fun factor; I’d like to think it looks pretty solid.

Think about it:

You have Jason Statham hitting people.

You have Clive Owen and his dirty mustache hitting people.

And to top it all off, you have an aging Robert De Niro going all Liam Neeson/Mel Gibson on people.

The only thing that could make it better is if everybody in the cast had dirty porno staches.

I wouldn’t count on that happening, but one can hope…

I’ve always said that any film that features Liam Neeson punching someone is worth my time, (Gangs of New York being the sole exception) and while Bobbie D isn’t at all an analogue for the lanky Irishman; truth be told I think the novelty actually carries more weight given the awesomeness of the man that is Bobbie D.

If Bobbie D can do half of the above, I will be satisfied with Killer Elite.

Truth be told, if the movie ends up being little more than a handful of people shooting at and punching each other, I honestly wouldn’t mind.

Action movies tend to get cluttered these days with melodrama and extraneous ancillary characters, which is part of why I think old fashioned manhunt/man vs. man movies will always hold a certain degree of appeal.

A big dumb action movie need not have an epic “save the world” plot.

Sometimes all you need is a handful of people with beef, and a story that lets them do horrible things to each for 2 hours.

Anyway, this one is probably going to suck hard, and barely make a splash at the box-office; but truth be told, I might go see it.

Hell, it’s not every day you get to see Bobbie D beat the shit out of someone with his bare hands.

Most of the time he prefers to use a Mag Lite:

Note: Heat is an awesome movie that features Mag Lite on Man violence.

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Filed under: Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Top 10 Manliest Man Moments #5: Godzilla Crashes the Party

Today we finally crack the Top 5 of the Azn Badger’s Top 10 Manliest Man Moments in movies!

While the majority of the MANLY moments leading up to this one have been highlights from various MANLY action star’s careers, today we’re going to be tackling a moment that belongs not so much to a MANLY MAN of MANLINESS; but rather a fictional character that embodies many of the same values.

Said fictional character is of course the walking symbol of nuclear holocaust, Godzilla.

FUCK YES.

Anyone who’s read a post or 2 from this blog is likely aware that Godzilla is, and always will be one my biggest heroes.

I’ve been watching the Big-G’s movies since before I could speak, and though he’s not exactly human; even at a young age I found I identified with him in some bizarre way.

Now, as many of you are aware, Godzilla is a character who has been portrayed by a number of actors, in a number of different ways.

In his earliest appearances as well as much of the 90’s, Godzilla was essentially a wild beast; a force of nature driven by a wholly reptilian brain.

Hey, just because Godzilla's MANLY doesn't mean his brain isn't the size of a peanut.

In the 60’s and 70’s though, as the franchise lightened it’s tone to appeal to youngsters; Godzilla began to take on a more human-like characteristics, both in appearance and behavior.

More importantly, the kid-friendly Godzilla was often portrayed as a hero; a factor that was largely responsible for securing his place on this list.

In that sense, it should come as no surprise that our 5th MANLIEST MAN moment comes from the 1975 Godzilla flick, and last of the original Showa era of films, Terror of Mechagodzilla AKA Mekagojira no Gyakushu AKA Mechagodzilla’s Counter-Attack:

Terror of Mechagodzilla is hands down my favorite Godzilla movie.

Directed by Ishiro Honda, the director of the original 1954 Godzilla; the movie pretty much has everything you could want in a sci-fi B-movie.

Seriously man, despite the title of the movie only listing 1 monster, Terror of Mechagodzilla included aliens, secret agents, the only instance of exposed boobs in Godzilla movie history, and 3 giant monsters for the price of 1!

The copy of the movie I had when I was a kid didn’t have the boobs, but rest assured; everything else listed above went a long way towards making me watch it every fuckin’ day of my youth.

In particular, I found that Titanosaurus, a rare “tooth and claw” monster in Godzilla’s gallery of rogues; did a lot to keep me coming back to Terror of Mechagodzilla as a kid.

"DuRR! I HaS a RaDiO TOWer!!! DuRR!!!"

I loved his unique, cackling roar, and how he was tough and scrappy despite being largely unable to handle the Big-G without tagging Mechagodzilla in every now and again.

In all, I have a lot of love for Titanosaurus, and am still surprised that this was the only film he ever appeared in.

Bearing a decidedly more severe and mature tone than most of the other 70’s Godzilla movies, Terror of Mechagodzilla is for sure a dumb enough movie for kids to understand; however it goes out of it’s way to do so without being condescending.

In addition to this, the movie also gets brownie points for serving as a time capsule for perhaps the gaudiest and most hideous examples of mid-70’s Japanese fashion.

Seriously man, if the lapels were any bigger in this movie the actors probably would’ve suffocated on the set…

My favorite character in the movie (besides Godzilla of course) was Jiro Murakoshi, the pimp-ass Interpol agent who I’d later learn stole his entire pimp-ass wardrobe from the Japanese apex of pimp himself, Golgo-13.

Cosmic...

I could go on an on about how awesome Murakoshi was, but in the interest of keeping this post at least a little bit focused; I figure I should move on to our MAN moment for today.

In all my years of watching Godzilla movies, I’ve found that the overall quality and tone of a Godzilla movie can often times be gauged by the awesomeness of Godzilla’s first appearance in the film.

As I mentioned earlier, Terror of Mechagodzilla is easily my favorite Godzilla movie; and as such, it also happens to be the film that bears his finest entrance sequence:

At this point in the movie, Mechagodzilla hasn’t been completed yet; so Titanosaurus is really the only monster we’ve seen in action.

Tearing his way through Yokosuka under the control of Akihiko Hirata’s Dr. Mafune and his daughter, Tomoko Ai’s Katsura; Titanosaurus easily routs the JSDF and makes his way towards the downtown area.

Meanwhile, the alien leader Mugaru played Goro Mutsumi consults with his right hand man regarding an incoming source of radiation approaching Yokosuka from the sea.

Pictured: HD TV in the 70's.

Concluding that this massive source of radiation can only be Godzilla, the aliens snicker to one another as they decide to let the monster make landfall and confront Titanosaurus in the hope that 1, or both will die in the resulting conflict.

We then cut back to Titanosaurus stomping through the city, causing incalculable amounts of property damage; when out in the distance an angry shadow emerges…

As yet another building falls to the wanton fury of Titanosaurus, out of nowhere a familiar beam of sapphire-blue fire streaks across the sky and knocks the long-necked beast the ground:

Smoke billows from the streets beneath Titanosaurus as the camera sweeps across the skyline to key in on the massive shadow in the distance.

An electrical crackle lights up the night sky as Akira Ifukube’s legendary score roars to life and the shadow emerges from the darkness, revealing the scowling face of our savior and hero, Godzilla!

Godzilla bearing his classic, "Angry Shave Monkey" look.

Seeing his would be opponent felled so easily, the King of the Monsters lets off a domineering roar, to which Titanosaurus can only respond with a reluctant whimper.

His challenge accepted, Godzilla enthusiastically bashes his knuckles together and bears his claws; signaling his urge to fight.

With that, the tension mounts as the 2 monsters square off in classic samurai fashion, only to abruptly slam into one another; sending a cloud of debris and dust into air.

Minutes later this sequence comes to an equally abrupt end as Dr. Mafune orders the retreat of Titanosaurus as a result of Katsura being injured during the engagement.

Watching Godzilla emerge from the shadows in such bad-ass fashion is a memory I’ll always treasure as one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen in movies.

Truth be told, the score during this sequence, and indeed the entirety of Terror of Mechagodzilla; is largely responsible for it’s awesomeness if you ask me.

Sure, the music played during this sequence is just the same old Godzilla march we’ve been hearing for the past 50+ years; however this particular version of it is one of, if not the strongest version I know of.

It’s slowed down a bit, with a deeper and harsher sound to it, lending the track a severity that is foreign in an otherwise colorful and energetic piece of music.

Anyway, this was MANLY moment #5, check back tomorrow for #4!

Filed under: Movies, Tokusatsu, Top 10 Manliest Man Moments, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Top 10 Manliest Man Moments #8: Han Solo, Army Of One


Yesterday we covered what I would argue was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s MANLIEST MAN moment in cinema history.

Said moment involved exclamation of the word “bullshit,” followed by the Austrian death machine hurling a steam pipe through an Australian girlie man’s torso.

Just in case you needed a visual aid...

That was MANLY MAN moment #9.

Now I ask you, just what the fuck kind of Top 10 MANLY MAN moments would place something as epic as the finale of Commando at #9?

A really MANLY fuckin’ list, that’s what!

While the next MANLIEST moment may be somewhat lacking in epic savagery when compared to it’s predecessors; it more than makes up for it in epic ballsy-ness and courage.

In that sense, our 8th MANLIEST MAN moment happens to be that one time in A New Hope when the apex of pimp himself, Han Solo, literally went solo and randomly bum rushed the fuck out of a battalion of Stormtroopers:

(Apologies for the very much unwarranted Chariots of Fire, it was the best I could find.)

You see, while Arnold utterly dominates the MANLY realm of badassery and epic savagery, Harrison Ford’s Han Solo represents a different school of MANLINESS.

Sure, Harrison Ford can’t throw a decent punch to save his life, but that’s why it’s called “acting.”

Han Solo’s what you’d call a “loveable asshole.”

Pictured: An asshole minus the "loveable" part.

He’s a silver-tongued pistolero that wears his ego on his sleeve and tries his damndest to put his foot in the cooch whenever the opportunity presents itself.

While any other character would just seem like a epic frat boy douche-rocket in behaving like this, perhaps Han Solo’s greatest strength as a character is that, while he’s certainly one scruffy looking scoundrel; there’s an inherently heroic and admirable person visible beneath all of it.

I suppose it’s also pretty awesome that his MANLINESS gives him the power to SHUT PEOPLE THE FUCK UP just by raising a finger:

Translation: "You shut your fucking mouth, son."

MANLY powers aside, the one thing that always put Han Solo over the top in my book of MANLINESS, was his ability to improvise and succeed on gut instinct alone.

When faced with the threat of having his ship blasted to pieces by a surprise attack from incoming TIE fighters, ‘ole Han just kind of shrugs his shoulders and says:

When forced to impersonate a Stormtrooper over an intercom in a desperate attempt to salvage his and the other Rebel’s infiltration into the Death Star, Han doesn’t just manage the task; he even takes the time to casually throw in a courteous “We’re fine, how are you?”:

That’s just how Han Solo rolls.

Off the cuff or from the hip, he rolls with the punches and always seems to come out on top.

Which brings us to the MANLIEST moment in his career, and the 8th MANLIEST moment in all of movies.

Not long after the above sequence wherein Han, Chewie and Luke utterly beast the shit out of the security staff of detention block AA 23, the 3 of them rescue Princess Leia and flee into the sewer duct.

After much hilarity and drama involving a nasty dianoga getting frisky with Luke,

Watch in horror as the dianoga claims it's next love sponge...

as well as the walls of the chamber being set to “compact,” the 4 heroes escape into the main corridors of the Death Star.

Unfortunately, the section of the space station that they happen to escape to just happens to be crawling with Stormtroopers.

While most men would turn tail and run in the face of overwhelming odds like this, Han Solo immediately caps one of the troops square in the chest and then proceeds to CHASE AFTER the remaining half dozen or so HEAVILY ARMED soldiers!

If that wasn’t badass enough, ‘ole Han doesn’t just run the sons a bitches down; he charges after them screaming at the top of his lungs like some crazy-ass William Wallace motherfucker.

It may take some serious balls to single-handedly face down a whole squad of armed soldiers, but it takes giant-ass titanium gonads of MANLINESS to fuckin’ rout them and then successfully chase their asses down.

Unfortunately, as is often the case for people who aren’t Arnold Schwarzenegger, the MANLIEST course of action proves to be far from the wisest for Han Solo.

After chasing the Stormtroopers for some time, wailing like a fuckin’ Jewish banshee all the while; Han turns a corner to reveal horrifying sight:

Note: This is one of the few scenes Special Edition actually made MANLIER.

Unfazed by the pants shitting-ly terrifying white and black wall of blaster toting death before him, Han attempts to overwhelm the Stormtroopers with the power of his MANLIEST of MANLY faces:

Despite the awesome power of Han’s MAN-FACE, the Stormtrooper’s collective morale holds fast, allowing them to miraculously power through it’s demoralizing/penis shrinking effects.

Immediately sensing that his gambit has failed, the ever resourceful Han Solo quickly falls back on his go-to plan “B”, that of shooting first and aiming/asking questions later:

Han Solo: Shoots So Well His Lasers Explode From The Inside Out.

With yet another Stormtrooper felled, Han makes the wise choice not to get greedy with his kill-streak, instead choosing to fall back and regroup with his compatriots.

Narrowly escaping from a hail of laser fire, Han Solo meets up with Chewie around the corner, and the 2 escape to the annals of MANLY sci-fi/action movie history.

Thanks for reading MANLY MAN moment #8, check back for #7 tomorrow!

Happy Easter everyone!

Filed under: Movies, Top 10 Manliest Man Moments, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Wonder Woman Costume: ALTERED

WONDAH' WOH' MAAAAAAAHHNNN!!!!!

Well, apparently the bloggers/tweeters/comic book dorks won, ’cause it would appear that the producers of the new Wonder Woman TV show made an attempt to address a few of the innumerable complaints about the costume.

A few days I ago, I myself pounded out 1,000+ hating on the costume, so personally; it makes me happy to see some of the complaints I had addressed in some form.

Uh, which one's the "good" one?

While the costume does in fact still look like hot garbage, I must admit; the change of the boot color from blue to red does wonders to improve the cohesiveness of the costume, as well as better adhere to the history of the character.

Also, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see the high heels of the costume removed in favor of far more action-ready flats.

Seriously, the prospect of seeing an actress struggle to perform action scenes in 5-inch heels is a nightmare that I’d really prefer not to think about.

Thank you, Sky High; for playing out that nightmare for me every 5 fuckin' minutes...

Not that I’m going to be wasting my time watching this show or anything.

Anyway, on the prototype costume; the boots bore the same color as the ugly as condom pants; making the arrangement of the costume look utterly ridiculous and poorly coordinated.

On the same note, the material of the pants has been (thankfully) altered from some sort of cheap raincoat-like material, to a more breathable; and more darkly shaded fabric.

... And now it just looks like a tablecloth. Yay.

Given, it still looks like ass; but the stars running along the seam lines add a little bit of character to the costume, and the material seems more practical; so I guess it’s a good thing.

In all, I’d say every change made to the costume is a positive.

A shit donut covered in a fresh new layer of powdered shit is still in fact shit, if you get my meaning though.

Personally, it’s hard for me to perceive a live-action Wonder Woman that could be considered anything less than laughable; but even so, I guess this is a decent attempt.

Decent, but nowhere near good.

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“You Betrayed Shiva!”

I don’t know why, but for some reason I’ve been in a very Spielberg/Lucas-y mood for the past week or so.

For those that don’t get the quote/reference featured on the card, I direct you to this amusing waste of time.

I’m pretty sure it all started last weekend when my buddy Mencius was kind enough to show me the Red Letter Media critique/analysis of Star Wars Episode III.

For those that haven’t seen the video, it’s serves as both an insightful and hilarious look at Episode III, as well as the nature of the entire Star Wars film franchise.

Truth be told, the way the whole thing was structured, it actually kind of reminded me of the writing style I use for posts on this blog.

Y’know, tidbits of information/humor, separated by irreverent and/or stupid images and captions.

Kind of like this.

Anyway, that’s my explanation for all the Harrison Ford/Indiana Jones references as of late.

Seeing as Lucas-ian products serve as a near bottomless treasure trove for retarded (and amusing) quotes and references, I wouldn’t be surprised if this keeps up for some time.

Hey, it’s not my fault I’ve got nothing to write about, not a whole is happening in my particular corner of the woods of dorkiness.

And no, I don’t give a shit that Johnny Storm/The Human Torch of The Fantastic Four died last week.

Johnny Storm, showing us just why he had to die.

I’ve never been a fan of The Fantastic Four, and while I find it interesting that the one member of the team that I had any appreciation for is the one Marvel decided to kill off; I don’t see myself ever owning or reading a Fantastic Four book in a good long while.

Anyway, here’s hoping I find something to write about soon, otherwise I’m just gonna’ keep making Magic cards until I’ve got a whole fuckin’ deck of ’em…

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Gamera On Blu-Ray!?

While it’s probably old news to all those that care, the first 2 films in Shusuke Kaneko’s Gamera trilogy were released in a Blu-Ray 2 pack last month.

The third will be released at a date TBA.

Why no one saw fit to tell me about this, is beyond me.

Seriously man, the idea of seeing big, rubbery daikaiju goodness in HD makes me giddy with excitement!

Make no mistake, as soon as I can get a break from work, (though lately it feels like that may never happen) I’m gonna’ track me down a copy of this and buy it so hard, it’ll wish I hadn’t bought it so hard.

This will be the third time I will purchase the Gamera films (bootleg VHS, bootleg DVD, and now legit Blu-Ray).

The Gamera films are truly special films in the daikaiju sub-genre, largely because they are all legitimately great films that have the capacity to appeal to non-fans of Japanese monster movies.

Watching the Gamera movies progressively as they came out was one of the greatest film experiences of my youth.

I’d imagine it must have been akin to how young people feel watching every new Harry Potter film as they come out.

... And by the end of it all, it was assumed that the audience had "grown up" enough to watch Harry get fucked by a white horse and appreciate it as art...

I wouldn’t know though, being as I’ve never seen a Harry Potter movie, and unlike those fanboys, I wasn’t able to see Gamera in theaters.

Anyway, what I mean by the comparison, is that; like the Harry Potter series, the Gamera series “grew up” progressively.

The first was colorful and fun, with a simple, yet provocative storyline that served to draw us in.

If you can't appreciate this poster, then you and I probably wouldn't get along...

The second was a rollercoaster of action and suspense that felt more like a war movie than a monster movie at times.

That's a big bug...

The third was a very dark, yet gorgeous and thoughtful film that discarded much of the science and technobabble of the previous films, and effectively reinterpreted it into mystical terms.

ART.

While the complexity of the plot lines definitely grew as the series went on, as did the special effects budget; all 3 films are drastically different in tone and perspective, such that in the end, all of them have something special to offer.

The first is probably the most fun, and easily the most accessible, making it a great choice for non-kaiju fans.

The second is the fastest paced, and has hands down some of the best action sequences in kaiju history.

And the third, while very slow at times, serves to tie everything together, serving as a beautiful (and open-ended) conclusion for those that enjoyed the previous 2.

Before I sign off, there’s one thing I’d like to mention about the Gamera films, and that is that none of the movies would be half as good if not for their attention to detail, and insistence on showing much of the action from “street level.”

Probably half of the dialogue in the entire Gamera trilogy is delivered through faux news reports and radio chatter.

Given that the plots of these 3 movies involve giant monsters trashing major cities in Japan, it only makes sense that the airwaves would be crammed with reports on every move these terrible creatures make.

Honestly, you don’t notice it at first, as it’s quite seamless; but it makes a huge difference having a news anchor within a movie report on the death toll in their professional manner, rather than have Soldier A run into the command center and yell: “We just lost 50 men!”

Anyway, just a small observation that I felt needed mentioning.

Goodnight everyone, hopefully you’ll get more sleep than I’m about to!

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I Hate Sting.

I hate Sting.

I hate his goofy singing, I hate his perpetually frosted hair, but most of all, I simply hate the man that is Sting.

Wrong Sting. Although he kind of sucked too. Especially after he took on that whole "Crow" schtick...

You know how every now and again you run across someone you just plain don’t like, seemingly for no good reason?

Okay, maybe you haven’t, but you know what I mean, right?

Well, that about sums up my relationship with Sting in a nutshell.

He never stole from me, he didn’t kill my father; and he most certainly never touched me as a child, but for whatever reason, I’ve had a severe hatred for Sting for as long as I can remember.

Near as  I can recall, the first time I encountered Sting in my youth, came in the form of a TV broadcast of one of his performances.

I want to say that it was a stage performance from one of his appearances on Saturday Night Live sometime in the 90’s, but either way; my first impression of the man was to think:

“What the hell is he wearing?…”

While I can’t find any photos of it, the man was dressed in a massive leather jacket, easily 2 sizes too big for him, while straddling a guitar and clomping around in 3-5 inch platform boots.

Pictured: The first time I ever saw Sting...

I don’t recall what songs he performed that night, nor did his singing voice leave an impression on me at the time.

Honestly, I think I was simply too blown away by the sheer volume of fail put on display that night to have remembered anything else.

All I remember of Sting from that night, is that big-ass jacket, those Frankenstein boots of his, and his odd quirk of violating his fellow performer’s personal bubble just a little too much.

... And if that wasn't bad enough, he also has a tendency to bust out flying knees to the faces of his fellow performers.

Seriously, the man has a tendency to rub up on people.

As my father would say: “He wouldn’t make it in the Projects…”

Anyway, after only dealing with Sting once in my life up to that point, the man was already 0-1, and officially on my “Naughty” list.

That was just the beginning though.

Sometime after this initial encounter, I remember hearing some of Sting’s songs on the radio.

I had to ask my mother who it was we were listening to, and when she told me it was Sting, I can honestly say I was not surprised.

Sting has a peculiar method of singing.

I like to refer to it as a “pecking” style of lyricism.

 

Like this man's speech cadence, only applied to song.

The lyrics in his songs, especially the more pop-ish tunes from earlier in his career; tend to have a halting rhythm to them that I find annoying.

It’s like trying to listen to streamed audio that’s still buffering.

Sure, you’re definitely listening to something, but it’s so fuckin’ fragmented and disjointed that it may as well be a song recorded by someone with Tourette’s Syndrome.

Honestly, while it pains me to taint this blog with a Family Guy reference, I have to say that they did a damn good job of summing up Sting’s singing style in my eyes:

Just remember, I hated the man long before Family Guy was ever thought of.

By the way, if you ever run into me on the street someday, ask me to do my Sting impression; I’m told it’s pretty spot on.

Moving on, reason #347 as to why I hate Sting, comes from his appearance in the film Dune.

*Yawn*...

Admittedly, this was a fairly recent addition to the “why I hate Sting” list, easily within the past 6-7 years.

When I first noticed that Sting was in Dune, my initial reaction was along the lines of:

“WHAT!?  The “Zip-Zop-Zoop! MESSAGE… IN A… BAAAAAHHHH-TOLL!” Man is in Dune!?  I hope he dies in it…”

Though I got my wish of getting to see Sting die on-screen at the end of Dune, (Oops! Spoiler Alert!) the 3 hour journey in getting to that point was not easy to sit through.

Pictured: The best part of Dune. To me, anyway...

Yes that’s right, I didn’t really exactly care all that much for Dune, but that’s besides the point.

The point is, while sitting through a 3 hour movie I didn’t “get,” and also didn’t exactly like; I found myself not only having to contend with a clunky script and an absurdly over-the-top soundtrack, but with a flame-haired and frequently Speedo clad Sting.

3 hours of shitty movie I can handle standing on my head, but 3 minutes of Sting in his undies being ogled by a levitating overweight, oily pock-faced dude, was another story altogether.

I think Sting’s worst moment in the whole movie, other than the poorly choreographed and horrendously anti-climactic “knife fight” at the end, (Sorry again! Spoiler Alert!) was this one scene where Sting is handling what I call, a “kitty in a box.”

Best I could find. Sorry...

As fate would have it, the internet Gods seem to have eliminated all the good photos of the elusive “kitty in box” scene, as well as that giant-fucking leather jacket I mentioned earlier.

Sting must have a network of internet goons cleansing the web of all traces of his uncoolness…

Anyway, if you saw Dune; you probably know what I’m talking about, ’cause y’know; that was of course the most pivotal scene in the entire movie…

In addition to all of the reasons listed above, probably the single biggest reason I hate Sting, is that he’s one smug son of a bitch.

Sting on any given Tuesday.

Seriously man, he’s just got this swagger, this preening and self-important element to his face and mannerisms.

Maybe it’s just ’cause he’s a singer/performer, and that’s kind of what they do; but in his case, he does it in just the wrong way that it, well; it just pisses me off!

Sting: Knee-Fucking Since... Whenever The Fuck He Started Singing.

Don’t question my hate, it needs not logic or reason to exist!

Anyway, enough Sting related hate-speak for tonight.

Tomorrow I’ll be finally playing more Demon’s Souls, so I figured I’d vent my frustration somehow before assaulting myself with more videogame related anger and stress.

 

 

Man I hate Sting…

Filed under: Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Azn Badger’s Top 5 Songs That Keep Him From Stabbing People (Korean Edition)

Hello all, and welcome to another edition of the Azn Badger’s Top 5 Songs That Keep Him From Stabbing People!

Last time around we tackled the Top 5 Japanese songs, and in keeping with the “Azn” portion of the title of this blog; today we’ll be delving into the realm of Korean music!

Before we begin, let me just say this:

I don’t speak Korean.

I know how to answer a phone, say “thank you,” and rattle off a handful of ethnic slurs, but that’s just about all the Korean I know.

Huh, that’d be one hell of a phone conversation:

“Hello?  You *bleepity bleepin’ BLEEP*!  Thank you! *CLICK!*”

Anyway, my interest in Korean songs springs almost entirely from hanging out with my Korean (between the 2 of us, we refer to Koreans as “Krns” pronounced “Kerns”) buddy from up the street.

He used to have an extensive library of Krn music, much of which I acquired from him at one time or another.

As a result, much of my favorite Krn songs are slightly outdated, being that they’re from the early 2000’s.

That being said, let’s get to the music:

5. Freaky Game 108 – Soul Dive


This song was one I stumbled across about a year ago when I was perusing an Azn music forum for new tunes.

I got a lot of great music out of that forum, and Freaky Game 108 was one of my favorites.

The album as a whole was shitty, but the one song was pretty freakin’ sweet.

Regardless, I love the pumping, almost dance track-like beat of this song, coupled with the rap style lyrics.

Like every other song on this list, I don’t have a fuckin’ clue as to what the lyrics entail; however this has never been a problem for me as long as the tune is good.

Remember, I’m a hummer not a singer.

4. Get Them Hands Up – 1TYM


I fuckin’ love 1TYM.

Ever since my Krn buddy and I used to pretend we were cool by cruising around in high school blasting their music through the speakers of his Corolla, 1TYM has been one of my favorite Krn music groups.

Sure they’re “happy rappers.”

Sure they look ridiculous.

Sure they’re a shitty rap group that were popular for 5 minutes.

Despite all that, I’ve got more of their tracks in my library than any other Krn band, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Of those tracks, Get Them Hands Up is easily my favorite, right next to “Hello!”

It’s got an awesome and fairly intricate beat, a nice flow; and most important of all, one of the catchiest and most satisfying choruses I’ve ever heard.

Seriously, I can’t recite it worth shit, but you better believe I’ve caught myself trying to in the shower every now and again.

3. The Last Scene – Roller Coaster


This song is what my Krn buddy and I used to refer to as the “Abercrombie and Fitch” song.

I dare you to listen to this song without picturing, even for a moment; a fuckin’ clothing commercial or fashion exhibition.

It just fits too well.

Despite this, the toe-tapping, yet surprisingly mellow beat, coupled with the smooth, yet vaguely emotionless voice of the lead singer, make for a song that as easy to lounge to, as it is to cruise down the highway to.

It’s a wonderful song, and is actually one of the very few mellow tunes that I keep on my Ipod.

2. Jeez! – B2Y


Jeez! was another song that I acquired from that one Azn music forum awhile back.

As a 2 girl, 2 boy band, B2Y is just what you’d expect:

A generic Azn pop group.

Despite the stigma surrounding this, (one that I happen to subscribe to in most cases) I’ve gotta’ say, Jeez! is a really fun song.

Just like 175R’s Yume De Aeta Nara from the other day, Jeez! is very much a disco-pop song, although in this case the disco element is very much at the forefront of things.

In my book, that’s a very good thing.

The energy of this song is just so goddamn cotton candy sweet, that’s it hard for me to think of any legitimate reason why anyone wouldn’t like it.

Oh yeah, and did I mention is has a really fuckin’ catchy chorus?

1. Champion – PSY


FUCK YES.

Beverly Hills Cop beat + Silly Krn lyrics = KRN GOLD.

From what my Krn buddy told me, Champion was just about the biggest fuckin’ song EVER when it first came out in Korea.

Honestly, I forget how I ran across Champion, but boy am I glad I did.

It’s kind of funny though, my favorite version of this song is actually a sped-up remix, however I wasn’t able to find it to share with you guys.

Oh well, the original version is epic enough as is I suppose…

Let it be known:

Any home graced with the sounds of Champion, shall henceforth be known as a “stab-free zone.”

Filed under: Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

New Story Idea

BEST. COVER. EVER.

Well, it’s been about 2 years overdue, but I think I finally came up with a new story idea to keep me occupied for the forseeable future.

Bear in mind, when I say “story idea,” I’m referring to something along the lines of a concept for a comic book, short story, or *GASP!*maybe even a novel!

Pictured: "Novelists."

Don’t worry, I promise I won’t go all counter-culture hipster on you guys.

Anyway, at this point in time, with my idea less than 6 hours old, the whole thing is more of a concept than anything else, but even so I think it has a lot going for it.

In interest of saving some time, namely my own, here’s a basic rundown of what I’m shooting for:

Basically, you take the setting of that movie The Village, (I haven’t seen it, but I’ve had the ending spoiled for me)

... Yeah, chances are I'll never sit down to watch this one.

marry it with the aesthetic and monster populated world of Capcom’s Monster Hunter game series,

Haven't played any of these, not sure if I could put up with the grind-fest gameplay. Even so, the art and music alone have got me tempted to pick one up sometime...

and then give it the Dances With Wolves/The Last Samurai/Avatar treatment.

This may as well be the title of said movies.

Actually, now that I think of it, that doesn’t reflect what I’m shooting for at all…

Here’s my idea, in my own words:

Our hero is a young man that comes from a small village of pre-Dark Ages technological status.

The village is surrounded by wilderness on all sides, and aside from a small water source and a single mountain peak visible from over the treeline, completely isolated.

Basically, the villagers live on the assumption that they are the only humans in their realm; that there is nothing for them beyond the forest.

The reason for this isolationist line of thinking is due to the presence of some truly ghastly and vicious man-eating beasts that live in the forest, thereby making travel through the wild all but impossible.

There is a very distinct border between the territory of the villagers and these creatures, crossing it by even the slightest amount agitates the monsters, yet they never cross this border.

These creatures, the wild landscape they inhabit, should be viewed as representing nature, or rather “the wild unknown.”

The real meat of the story, at least at this point, comes from the fact that sometime in the past, maybe a century or 2 ago, someone from the village in question looked upon his surroundings and found them inadequate.

He was disgusted by the sad state of his village and the fact that it’s inhabitants had begun to turn to inbreeding as a means to preserve their dwindling numbers.

He looked at the mountain in the distance and said to himself:

“I want to see the other side of that mountain.”

He was the first man in the history of the village to adopt this progressive line of thinking.

Think of him as sort of the Prometheus of this particular account of human history.

After rallying others to his cause for a time, this man eventually ended up leading a small but determined expedition into the wild.

Most were eaten by the monsters, several became lost in the woods never to be seen again, and that one man, the one that was responsible for it all, found a new life in a clearing at the opposite end of the wild.

He would be the first human to do so in the history of the realm.

This man would be the founder of a new, expansionist and progressive-minded civilization composed people who, like himself, migrated from their respective “island” villages.

Of course, this particular civilization exists without our hero’s knowledge.

The aforementioned people that became lost in the wild would become consumed by the very landscape around them, transformed into horrific and violent man-beasts.

The “wild” in this story is special in the sense that, to most of the characters in the story; it’s still unknown, it’s still dangerous.

In that sense, the wilderness in this story should be regarded as a truly hostile environment, one that not only presents danger to the humans that venture within, but does so willfully.

In this story, the natural world truly hates humanity, such that it produces horrible creatures specifically for the purpose of keeping man outside of it’s borders.

Think of it as a sort of Gaia-like Earth-spirit that exists to keep man in his place, to keep man from discovering the true depths of his insatiable lust to consume and destroy.

Huh, now that I think of it, it’s kind of like Adam and Eve and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

With monsters, lots and lots of monster…

Anyway, that’s where our Prometheus throws a monkey wrench into the mix by surviving what was supposed to be an impossible endeavor.

In a symbolic sense, I guess Prometheus’ victory is supposed to signify the power and mystery of nature beginning to wilt under the tenacity, determination, and ingenuity of man.

The man-beast population don’t exactly represent both parties, humanity and nature, as one would expect.

Rather, they are a doomed element in the story, a group of survivors that have grown powerful and ugly due to the harshness of their environment.

No longer fully human, they are nevertheless still regarded by the wild as intruders, thusly making them targets for the monsters, as well as complete outcasts to whatever human elements they may encounter.

They are physically powerful, but inbred and prone to illness and early death.

At some point in the story, they will probably engage in violence with the Promethean settlement, as that is simply the only way the 2 civilizations can encounter one another.

I think the angle I’m trying to play with the man-beasts, is to posit to the reader/audience the possibility that perhaps the various creatures inhabiting the realm this particular story takes place in are all actually cut from the same fiber.

That is to say, perhaps the vicious man-eating creatures of the wild are in fact mutated humans that were trapped in the forest for too long, or perhaps man is result of some of the monsters stepping out of said enviroment.

The world of this story is meant to have some subtle magical elements, (no spells though, I fuckin’ hate that shit…) so such transformations could easily happen over a reasonable period of time as opposed to through genetic/evolutionary means.

I’m rambling, I’m sorry.

Anyway, the story is basically about a young man, a hunter raised in a small tradition-oriented society, discovering the true breadth of the world around him.

At this point in time, the only background I have established for him, is that he is hunter who lost a friend to one of the monsters in the woods, thusly resulting in him seeking revenge on said monster years later.

Near as I can tell, it’s his quest to slay this beast that takes him into the wilderness and beyond.

What happens from there, and why, I have no fucking clue.

Anyway, that’s about all I’ve got for now.

Don’t steal my ideas.

Filed under: Comics, Movies, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #1: Robocop

Paul Verhoeven’s sci-fi masterpiece, Robocop, has the dual distinction of not only being one of my favorite films of all time, but of also featuring THE Best Overkill in Movies.

Come to think of it, overkill is something that Robocop has a great deal of.

There’s the famed ED-209 overkill sequence:

There’s the slightly more obscure, but no less brutal “melt man” overkill:

But standing head and shoulders above it all, putting all of the competition to shame, is the horrendously brutal death of Alex Murphy (Peter Weller):

While many of the other overkills on this list have a sense of excess that could be considered humorous by some, (I.E. me) the death of Alex Murphy is an overkill that has a sense of urgency and dramatic weight that goes a long way towards legitimizing  it.

Unflinchingly brutal and perhaps more importantly, graphic; watching Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood Smith) and his gang torture, humiliate and ultimately, dismember Alex Murphy always brings a haunting, and alarming sense of wrongness to my conscience.

I love Robocop, and in particular, I love this scene; but that doesn’t keep me from understanding that this sequence was intended to be regarded as

Without a doubt; the death of Alex Murphy is easily the most greatest, most brutal, excessive, and utterly fucked-up Overkill in Movies.

That being said, what say we do a play-by-play of the carnage?:

The scene begins as Officer Alex Murphy stumbles into an ambush.

Surrounded by 5 armed men, Murphy is forced to give up his arms as Clarence Boddicker beats on him a little to try and get him to spill the beans on the whereabouts of his partner, Ann Lewis (Nancy Allen).

Best Shitty Haircut in Cinema History: Nancy Allen, Robocop (1987)

After whacking Murphy in the leg, and bashing him in the spine with the butt of his shotgun, Clarence finds himself interrupted as his fellow gang member, Joe (Jesse D. Goins), walks into the room declaring Lewis previously deceased by his hand.

Pictured: Joe's only contribution to the movie.

Yeah, Joe’s a dick…

With the threat of any remaining police presence now completely removed, Clarence and his gang lighten up and decide to have some fun with Murphy.

Kicking Murphy onto his back on the floor, Clarence paces about and starts talkin’ shit:

Throughout this sequence, it’s worth noting that Clarence, despite sounding downright chummy at times, consistently keeps his gun trained on Murphy’s head.

Placing one foot on the inside of Murphy’s forearm, Clarence stands up, looks down the barrel of his shotgun, and points it at Murphy’s groin.

While making a faux computerized targeting system tone, akin to the tone of a jet fighter’s missile lock tone, Clarence slowly brings the gun to bear, first on Murphy’s head, and then down to his still pinned right arm.

"Eagle One, Fox-3!"

The first shot of our overkill results in Alex Murphy’s right hand being rendered into chunky red mush.

If you look close, you can actually see the prosthetic hand being yanked out of the scene to simulate it's severing.

Being as Clarence Boddicker is a certified, grade-A DICK, a pun is his natural response to the violence:

Clarence Boddicker: DICK of the Ages

Following this, Clarence steps back for a smoke, leaving Murphy’s fate in the hands of his underlings.

...But first we have to watch Murphy bleed for 10 minutes.

Most likely in shock from having just lost his hand, Murphy lurches to his feet and immediately begins to slowly walk away from his assailants.

Being as Clarence’s gang is made up of coke-heads and Junior DICKS, their first act is to ask Murphy where he’s going, and then yell at him to turn around.

For whatever reason, Murphy does just this:

Like any great heel in wrestling, Clarence’s gang pick a body part and work it until it’s nothing but a bloody stump.

Well, being as these guys are using SHOTGUNS instead of submission moves, said process takes only about, oh, one shot.

Now missing an arm, the very same arm that he was previously missing a hand on, Murphy does just about the only thing he can:

Unfortunately, like bullies teasing a fat kid at the pool, Clarence’s gang are truly relentless, as with that they open fire with, literally, everything they’ve got.

First, they shoot him in his kevlar vest:

Then they shoot him there some more…

Then Lewis (who is not dead) stumbles into the room and watches them shoot Murphy in the vest…

Yup, she just stood there. Did absolutely nothing...

And they finish things off by shooting him enough times in the vest to tear it to ribbons and take some tasty chunks out of his torso to boot:

These have all been direct quotes by the way

Now, on any normal day, Alex Murphy would’ve been dead long before Clarence’s gang ran out of ammo, but this is a Paul Verhoeven film, so we’re not allowed to question the violence.

That being said, Murphy finally falls to his knees just as the gang pumps the last of their shells into his poor vest.

Seriously man, that thing had 2 days til retirement…

*Sniff* Don't worry friend, we'll remember you...

With Murphy left lying in pool of his own bodily fluids, one of Clarence’s gang, Emil (Paul McCrane), takes this opportunity to state the obvious:

"Hi, I'm Emil. I die a horrible death in this film!"

Not only that, but *GASP!* Joe takes this opportunity to be a DICK!

"Hi, I'm Joe. I, along with everyone else in this film, also die a horrible death in this movie."

Despite all the laughter and hijinks of his underlings throughout this scene, to his credit, Clarence finally steps forward and decides to put Alex Murphy out of his misery.

Well, either that or he was done with his cigarette and wanted to go home…

"The Tigers are a playin' a game, TONIGHT! I never miss a game..."

Either way, Clarence promptly walks up to Murphy, and casually puts a bullet through his head to call it a night:

Thusly concludes, the Best Overkill in Movies.

It’s brutal, it’s equally difficult and entertaining to watch, and in my mind, it’s simply the only top choice for this particular Top 10 list.

Anyway, thanks for reading, maybe we’ll do another Top 10 sometime.

With that, I’ve decided to go out on a high note by leaving you with this Robocop Rap:

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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