In case you couldn’t tell from my post yesterday, I’ve got Mifune on the brain.
Mind you, nobody said that was a bad thing.
That being said, the clip above another one of those innumerable Youtube videos that I’m still kicking myself over not having put together on my own.
The kill count might not be all that high by Schwarzenegger-ian and Stallone-ian standards, but when it comes to impressive displays of legit kenjutsu choreography; there are few better examples than those found in Yojimbo.
Besides the awesomeness of the choreography, another great aspect of this video is the fact that it has a track from the incomparable Masaru Sato’s score for the movie playing over it; which is always a treat.
Anyway, thanks for indulging me as I go about my Mifune-binge.
Hopefully you all enjoyed this half as much as I did!
Seriously man, the cover above represents one of the more lazy efforts I can recall for a major DVD release.
It’s got the obligatory orange and blue color contrast thing goin’ on, which shows at least some degree of competence/lack of originality on the part of the designer, but when you look at the individual elements with even the slightest attention to detail, it looks just plain ratty.
For one, all the major figures in the image are lit inconsistently, but more importantly, they’re blended together with little to no finesse.
It’s like they took a bunch of stock images from the film, through color filters over them, and slapped them together with no regard for how they might interact with one another.
Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what happened.
Anyway, let’s take a look at some other crappy DVD covers, shall we?
Pictured: The nasty-ass cover for the Rocky blu ray.
… Okay, now that’s just sad.
Not only do we have an inappropriately dark and brooding color palette and theme for THE GREATEST-FEEL GOOD SPORTS DRAMA OF ALL TIME, we also have a truly sad super imposed Stallone head atop a stock model body.
Honestly, I do crappy head swaps in Photoshop as a joke, so why the fuck did this guy get paid to do it, to ROCKY of all things?
Let’s move on to something worse before I throw a Rocky fanboy related fit, shall we?
Pictured: Crap in a shell case.
Ladies and gentleman, I believe we’ve found our cream of the crop.
Probably the funniest thing about this cover, besides it’s utter craptacularness I mean; is the fact that it represents a film that actually has quite a lot going for it in terms of visual aesthetics.
Seriously man, as “meh” as it might have been, Minority Report was one beautiful fucking movie.
From the excessive airbrushing of Action Cruise’s face, to the boring and plain-as-fuck layout, this is one hideous fucking cover.
Honestly, and I mean this in absolutely the most negative way possible; this cover looks like something from The Asylum films catalog.
While the Yen-Meister has yet to jump on board the production as of yet, just to know that he’s regarded as being culturally relevant enough in the U.S. to rub shoulders with the action movie legends that make up the cast of The Expendables; means a whole helluva’ lot to die-hard Yen fans like myself.
The really fun part, at least for idiots like me; is the fact that unlike a lot of people, I actually kind of liked The Expendables.
Sure, it was dumb, and it wasn’t exactly the action movie masterpiece that it represented on paper; but even so, for what it was I felt it delivered for the most part.
Anyway, truth be told I’m excited about the prospect of Donnie Yen joining the cast for the sequel, especially since Stallone has been quoted as having said the movie is intended to be a love letter to martial arts movies.
While there’s no doubt in my mind that I’ll end up going to see The Expendables 2 in theaters (and quite excitedly at that), that last bit is like the icing on the cake for me.
One of the best parts of putting Donnie Yen in the Expendables, at least to me; is the fact that it’ll be a chance to see Yen in a contemporary setting, most likely acting more along the lines of his “younger” roles.
Personally, I’ve never really been a big fan of wuxia style films, and I’ve always preferred Donnie Yen in films with a more modern setting, largely because the free license it gives him in choreographing his fights, but also because I actually kind of prefer the arrogant and prick-ish Donnie Yen to the more regal and subdued one we’ve been getting ever since he did Ip Man.
Unfortunately, Jet Liwon’t be returning for the sequel, thereby squandering any opportunity we might’ve had to see him and Yen go at it one last time…. At the age of 48.
Despite this, there’s plenty of other enticing match-ups that could come from throwing Donnie Yen into the mix of an Expendables sequel.
Donnie Yen vs. Jean-Claude Van Damme is a match-up I wouldn’t exactly shit my pants over, but hell, if it were to end up in the film; you can bet I’d be excited to see it anyway.
Regardless of how miniscule or poorly written the role created for him is, I honestly hope Yen signs off on The Expendables 2.
He’s only getting older, and lord knows being in the movie would do wonders to expand his already burgeoning influence in the Western film market.
Now let’s just hope the movie doesn’t end up sucking, with or without Yen…
Remember, back in the day, when every movie/TV series/cartoon had a cheesy self-titled theme song to go with it?
I miss those days.
I miss the days when (almost) every James Bond movie would have a goofy song of the same name as it’s theme.
I miss the days when the opening lyrics of my Saturday morning cartoons would remind me every .125 seconds of what the hell I was watching.
I miss the days when Kamen Rider would ride into battle to a triumphant theme song bearing his name.
Something happened to the traditional self-titled theme song in the past decade or so, and by golly; I’m upset.
Don’t get me wrong, theme songs still exist, especially for cartoons, it just makes me sad that culture has seemingly trended towards out-moding them in the mainstream.
Some time in the mid-80’s, a few years before I was born, it seemed like everything had a dumb self-titled theme song to go with it.
In example, I give you the (awesome) theme song for Cat’s Eye:
Cat’s Eye was an exceptionally shitty Stephen King movie by the way.
Not as bad as The Langoliers or anything, but nowhere near “good.”
Moving on, for the requisite sports drama; we have Sammy Hagar’s not quite named after the movie, but close enough theme song for Stallone’s appropriately titled, Over The Top:
While many of the songs of this era were kind of shitty, I always found it kind of cool that they were obviously written specifically for the production they were used in.
It shows that someone cared enough about the production to make a song dedicated to it.
As silly as that sounds, I think that’s kind of neat.
These days it seems like, anime, tokusatsu, movies, and TV shows no longer have “traditional” theme songs, rather they simply have some sort of pop song in it’s place.
Kamen Rider used to have self-titled themes for all of it’s iterations up until the 2000’s, when the themes seemed to stop making mention of the title character.
To be fair though, Kamen Rider theme songs seem to have been produced specifically for the shows they’re used in, as evidenced by the lyrics typically being firmly rooted in the core themes of the show, as well as occasionally being sung by some of the cast members:
What really grinds my gears though, is when pop song themes don’t really have anything to do with the production they’re used in besides serving as a musical motif in the soundtrack.
My best guess is, across all aspects of the film medium; this is done for economic purposes, but I ask you:
While many have bashed The Expendables as being little more than a sub-par action film populated with a Towering Inferno style cast of notables, I actually kind of enjoyed it.
Sure, it was hardly one of the best films any of the actors had been in, and yeah the action was not quite as awesome as most of us were expecting; (digital squibs = sad panda) but at the end of the day I found it to be a big dumb action movie that succeeded in being just that: a big dumb action movie.
Pictured: A movie that FAILED at being big and dumb.
Despite how crummy the movie may have been in some areas, it gave us Dolph Lundgren vs. Jet Li, and Stallone vs. Stone Cold.
Any movie that does that, no matter how utterly average the fights within which may actually have been, deserves at least some credit, if only for the sake of film history.
ANYWAY, based on what I can recall, Van Damme’s role in The Expendables was likely to have been either that of Randy Couture’s character, or that of Gary Daniel’s villain role.
I’ve read rumors that suggest Van Damme’s ego got in the way,in the form of making him reject the Gary Daniel’s role due to the fact that his character would lose a fight on-screen, most likely to Jet Li.
At the same time, I’ve also heard rumors that the Muscles From Brussels turned down the roles offered to him due to him being in the process of trying to “legitimize” his acting career based on the success of movies like JCVD.
In either case, and for better or worse, Van-Damme didn’t appear in The Expendables, and I for one was kind of disappointed.
As decent a guy as Randy Couture is, the man simply cannot act; and in that sense I would’ve loved to have seen Van-Damme stand in for him.
Do I really need an excuse to use this pic?
Similarly, as fuckin’ awesome and hilarious as Terry Crews can be, he was criminally under-utilized in The Expendables; and came across as the big black dude that was there just to be a big black dude.
Regardless, next time around they need to let the big black guy be more than just scenery with a gun.
‘Cause y’know, racism and n’shit.
Anyway, it makes me happy to know Van-Damme is gonna’ be in the sequel, which for the love of all that is holy; better be a decent step-up in terms of overall quality.
The basic premise does, and always will have potential, and I have confidence in Stallone in delivering the goods the second time around.
I would appreciate it if he’d reduce the meathead quotient just a little bit, and in turn dial up the nostaligia factor; but that’s just me.
As with virtually any list I’ve put together for this blog, there were more than a few entries I regret not having found a place for.
I suppose I could’ve changed the list from a “Top 10” to a “Top 15,” however I think we can all agree that Top 15 just doesn’t have the same ring to it; hence my reasoning for cutting things down to 10.
Anyway, finishing the Top 10 Manliest Man Moments last night really whooped my ass something fierce, so in the interest of sparing my brain cells; I’m gonna’ try to keep this short.
That being said, without further ado I give you the Top 5 Runner-Up Man Moments:
While the franchise that would follow in it’s wake would ultimately be hit and miss at best, the original Tremors succeeded largely on the shoulders of it’s colorful cast of characters; not the least of which being Burt Gummer and his wife.
While Burt’s survivalist shtick never really made him out to be as MANLY a MANLY-MAN as some of the other characters on this list, his vast arsenal of weapons; and the child-like glee he exhibits at the thought of getting a chance to use them, are qualities that made him perhaps the MANLIEST MAN in the Tremors series.
In short, watching Burt and the missus put several hundred rounds into an extraordinarily ballsy Graboid as it tears it’s way into their underground bunker was a thrill that brought me great joy in my youth.
#4. The Killer – Mickey Mouse and Dumbo Have… A “Moment.”
The gunplay, while not as over-the-top and explosive as Hard-Boiled; is staged with a beauty and grace that few films can rival, not to mention the story and writing are probably the best Woo has ever had to work with.
While the action component of The Killer is ultimately what made it come to mind while compiling this MANLY list, in truth; the moment in the film that puts it among the runner-ups involves no violence whatsoever.
There’s a moment at the end of the film, during the church shootout; when Chow Yun Fat and Danny Lee have a truly bizarre, and mildly homoerotic “moment” as they exit the church.
Basically, some over-the-top and totally out of place MAN music starts blaring as our heroes strut through the doors in slow motion.
If that wasn’t MANLY enough, we then cut to close-ups of the 2 MEN cracking goofy-ass smiles, at which point we are treated to back-to-back awkward freeze frames of the 2 men.
It’s a weird sequence, and is indeed very much out of place given the circumstances; but in some mysterious way it just seems utterly MANLY to me…
#3. Independence Day – Russell Puts A Plane Up The Alien’s Assholes
This one’s a no-brainer.
Randy Quaid saved the world from the aliens by giving his life.
I would’ve put this one on the Top 10 proper, but the Whitmore Speech just seemed so much bigger to me.
In the interest of restricting myself to a “one moment per movie” rule, I felt it was wise to put Russell in with the runner-ups.
(Note: The clip above isn’t the actual moment in question, rather it’s simply a compilation of awesome Mifune moments.)
As mentioned elsewhere on this list, Toshiro Mifune is pretty much the most awesome human being.
The man was pretty much a modern day samurai, not to mention the living embodiment of the MANLY ideal of Japanese MAN-DOM.
That being said, of all the awesome moments he had in his illustrious film career; I can think of no MANLIER a sequence than when he cut down virtually every major villain in Yojimbo in the space of a few seconds.
Utterly devoid of flash, and about as no-nonsense as you can get, this sequence stands as a testament to the SAVAGERY of advanced iaido techniques, and the paragon of pimp that is Toshiro Mifune.
Anyway, that’s all for the Azn Badger’s list of the Manliest Man Moments in movies.
Check back tomorrow for something not related to MANLINESS!
Yesterday we popped the cherry on the Top 5 of the Azn Badger’s Top 10 Manliest Man Moments list with a scene from a Godzilla movie.
That right there should tip you off to the fact that this list is very much my list of MANLY moments, and not just some cookie-cutter list for spoon-feeding to the masses.
That being said, our next moment comes courtesy of another one of my personal heroes, Sylvester Stallone.
Yeah, I made this. Damn proud of it too...
Now, as fucking awesome as Stallone movies can be, it’s common knowledge the majority of his filmography could be described as “hit and miss.”
When it comes to Stallone though, at the end of the day it all comes down to his 2 biggest characters and franchises:
*GASP!* You mean Cobra wasn't one of Stallone's biggest hits!?
While I wouldn’t discover the MANLY majesty of the Rambo series until a bit later in life, the saga of Rocky Balboa was something I just couldn’t get enough of in my childhood.
Now, the character of Rocky Balboa might not be the cigar chomping paragon of MANLINESS that some of the other MEN on this list are, but make no mistake; Mr. Balboa is all that is MAN.
He’s the epitome of the classic underdog trope in cinema:
A big lovable retard with titanium MAN-BALLS of COURAGE, obsidian fists of AMERIKUHN JUSTICE, and a bionic heart pumped full of unflappable juices of MANHOOD.
ALL THAT IS MAN.
If all of that doesn’t spell AMERIKUHN HERO, I don’t know what does.
Over the course of his colorful 30+ year boxing career, Rocky Balboa did it all.
He fought and defeated the previously undefeated and undisputed heavyweight champion of the world, after losing to him by a narrow margin in their previous bout:
... Then had a "moment" with him on the beach.
He defended his title several times, only to amazingly lose and regain it in stupendously entertaining back-to-back bouts with Mr. T:
Pictured: Mr. T taking one in the nuts.
He dumped a shit ton of his winnings into buying his brother-in-law a horny robot maid:
I don't wanna' know what goes on between these 2 after hours...
He avenged the death of his best friend by beating the ever-loving fuck out of the Dolph-inator himself, Dolph Lundgren:
And he even took the time to grow a pimp-ass beard!
He trained a rough-edged prospect to world championship status, only to later end up beating the shit out of said pupil in a random and highly illegal street fight:
Man, Tommy Morrison makes for one ugly fucking action figure..
And at the end of it all he ended his career by once again losing to a world champion half his age by a narrow split-decision:
... And succeeded in effectively ending Antonio Tarver's real-life boxing career.
Somewhere towards the middle of all this though, after buying the horny robot but before beating the piss out of his pupil; Rocky found time to do something truly MAN-great…
Something worthy of being ranked our 4th MANLIEST MAN moment in all of movies…
Something MANLIER than any mere boxing ring could contain…
Something…….. POLITICAL.
My greatest hope is that everyone reading this blog has seen Rocky IV, or failing that; at least knows the story of it.
Should anyone reading this blog not match any of these criteria, congratulations; you are both a pussy and a failure at life.
*ANYWAY* being as the beginning of Rocky IV deals with Rocky’s best buddy Apollo Creed getting killed in an exhibition match with the Swedish, I mean, COMMUNIST RUSSIAN death-machine Ivan Drago; naturally the final act of Rocky IV involves Mr. Balboa flying over to the USSR to pound some AMERIKUHN MAN JUSTICE into the giant Arian fuck’s face.
Unfortunately, unbeknowst to Rocky, Drago is packin’ the ‘roids; making the ensuing battle a clusterfuck of MANLY mayhem the likes of which the Eastern and Western world alike have never known:
For nearly 15 rounds and nearly 10 minutes of screen time, Drago and Balboa slug it out; with Balboa falling to the mat no less than 7 times throughout.
Despite Drago out-landing Balboa about 10-to-1, someway, somehow; the Italian Stallion manages to power through the EPICFIST-STORM of COMMUNIST RUSSIAN FACE-FUCKERY and do some damage of his own.
As evidenced by the announcer team making note of it just about every 30 seconds, the COMMUNIST RUSSIAN crowd seriously want Balboa’s nuts in their borscht.
Aw, how could anyone hate Rocky?
Also made apparent by the announcer team making note of it every 30 seconds though, is that part way through the fight, Balboa’s MAN-COURAGE in the ring is starts to win over the hearts and minds of the COMMUNIST RUSSIAN crowd.
Well okay then, I guess I'll have to take your word for it on that one.
At the end of the night, it all comes down to the 15th and final round, wherein Drago, is touched by the spirit of Rocky’s AMERIKUHNSPIRIT; turns his back on THE FUCKING POLITBURO, and says “Fuck it!” to fighting for the state in favor of fighting for MANLINESS.
Pictured: Russian Politics.
Despite possessing an incredible height and reach advantage, as well as being ahead on the scorecards by an absurd margin; Drago opts to fight the final round standing toe-to-toe with Balboa, thereby insuring his failure as a COMMUNIST MAN.
Sure enough, Balboa gets some good shots in downstairs, punches some WOMANLY MAN-tears out of Drago’s guts; and ends up flattening the big, Russian, Best-Friend Murderer in spectacular fashion.
The ref’s count reaches “10” and all the previously anti-AMERIKUHN RUSSIANS in the crowd rush into the ring and drape the triumphant Rocky Balboa in an AMERIKUHN FUCKING FLAG that, I guess they just happened to have on hand…
Such is the MANLY-POWER of Rocky.
He can travel to a HOSTILE nation, inexplicably defeat a physically superior opponent as a massive underdog, and then end up winning over the crowd to such a MANLY extent, that they KNIT AN AMERIKUHN FUCKING FLAG during the course of an hour long fight.
Amerikuhn hero or not, that has got to be one stinky-ass armpit...
Equally, uh, inexplicable; is the fact that, after trouncing their champion, the living symbol of their people’s achievements in physical conditioning; the COMMUNIST RUSSIANS offer the marble-mouthed Rocky Balboa the opportunity to voice his thoughts on the fight over the PA system.
Realizing the EPIC-NESS of the opportunity presented to him, Balboa digs deep within his recently brain-damaged mind, and summons an unrehearsedMAN-SPEECH of world-changing POLITICAL MAN-POWER:
In one night, Rocky Balboa won the most physically demanding fight of his life, and single-handedly ENDED COMMUNISM in the USSR.
Thus concludes our 4th MANLIEST MAN moment.
We’ve got 3 more to go folks, with all the EPIC MANLINESS being slung around here, it’s hard to say whether or not we’ll all survive the experience; but godddamnit I’m gonna’ give it my best shot to see it through to the end!
The sequence above comes from the (slightly) under-appreciated cop flick, Nighthawks.
In scrounging through the recesses of my movie reference laden memories for a clip that could summarize my feelings at this moment, I could find no better example than Sylvester Stallone belching out savage/manly utterances while cradling an injured Billy Dee Williams.
Seriously man, it’s a Billy Dee/Stallone tag team; definitely worth you’re while.
Lando/Rocky awesomeness aside, I’ve had 2 computers turn into bricks in as many days, and believe me; I’m none too happy about it.
Anyway, even though I’m aware my computers are not people; and therefore bear me no ill will, rest assured, the phrases
“I’m gonna’ kill that sonofabitch!”
and
“YOU’RE FUCKIN’ DEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDD!!!!”
were thrown around in reference to them in the past 48 hours.
That being said, after so many “technical difficulties” posts; I’m guessing it was about time I looked into a new computer anyway.
See you tomorrow, but don’t expect anything special for awhile; mom and pop’s computer is really fuckin’ slow…
Aside from that though, I found it to be a surprisingly clever action movie, and a good popcorn movie in general.
Make no mistake, Demolition Man is hardly a great movie; but it’s a good time nonetheless.
Anyway, of the many inside jokes that Demolition Man has spawned over the years; I’m pretty sure the one that we all remember best is the 3 seashells.
For those that may have forgotten this little gem of early 90’s comedy, I present to you the following clip:
In case you didn’t get it, the 3 seashells are the future equivalent to toilet paper.
Just the other day, a friend of mine asked me how I thought the 3 seashells would function in regards to their intended anus cleaning procedure.
Being as the breadth of my understanding of my bowels consists primarily of knowing what and what not to eat to alleviate/evacuate my anus cavity; I found I had no answer to this question.
Everything I know of toilet seat warfare comes from fighting the fires down below, clean-up is something I leave to the right hand and rolls of the mighty white sheets.
Anyway, my friend later told me that someone took an actual account given by Sylvester Stallone and the writer of Demolition Man regarding the proper procedure of using the 3 seashells, and created a visual diagram to go along with their description.
After a few minutes of internet-ing, I found said diagram at I-Mockery:
Anyway, hopefully this little stroll down early-90’s-action-movie memory lane was fun for you; if not enlightening.
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