Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

And Now, Johnny Depp Slapping Some Kid In A Hospital.


That is all.

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The IdentityHawk Is Kind Of A Prick


Yesterday I posted an example of what I’d consider to be a truly awful TV commercial.

Given that I’ve been starved for writing inspiration for the past few days, I figure one more “bad commercial post” wouldn’t hurt.

Let’s just hope this doesn’t become a regular “thing” on this blog…

Anyway, I’ve been watching TV a little more than usual lately, particularly the local networks, and as such; a few frequently aired commercials have been nagging on me as of late.

One of them was the StopBuggingMeNow commercial from yesterday, and the other is the IdentityHawk one at the top of this post.

While nowhere near as piss-poor as yesterday’s epic crap-fest, the IdentityHawk commercial is fairly poor in terms of scripting and overall production values, though it was shot at or near HD quality; so you can tell they at least tried to produce it semi-professionally

Despite this, there’s some aspects to it that are giggle, or at least sarcastic snort worthy.

For one thing, I love how the music makes a 180 degree tonal shift from America’s Most Wanted eerie, to Walmart wholesome pretty much at the drop of a hat.

Despite this though, the real star of the show is the no-nonsense IdentityHawk mascot.

For whatever reason, the poorly rendered (though not unbearably so) CG hawk has a few quirks to him that make me smile.

More specifically, his ultra straightforward manner of speech and rather severe case of cerebral palsy make me laugh.

Something about the idea of a douchebag hawk swooping in and yelling “HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN’!?” to some guy picking through peoples’ garbage just seems humorous to me.

I love how the fuckin’ hawk basically cuts through the dude’s bullshit and doesn’t really give him a chance to explain himself in the slightest.

In fact, now that I think about it, the IdentityHawk really seems like kind of a prick, as had the “identity thief” character not voiced his intentions out loud, there’s a good chance he might’ve just been some homeless guy picking through garbage cans for food.

For an identity thief he has a splendid head of hair. Jus' sayin'...

I’m all for identification security and what not, but does protecting one’s information really mandate the use of asshole-ish, talking, CGI hawks to protect one’s garbage cans?

Seriously man, if this IdentityHawk shit hits the big time, we could be looking at a grim future where neighbors end up routinely murdering each other with their IndentityHawks over dumping shit in each other’s dumpsters.

Shit, if my neighbors had a douchy CGI hawk in their yard, my dad and I probably wouldn’t last a week.

IdentityHawk, keeping your identity/garbage safe from thieves/homeless people ’cause it’s the ‘Merikuhn way.

 

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , ,

One Of The Worst Commercials I’ve Ever Seen

In this cynical age of ironic humor, there’s never been a better environment for the appreciation of things that are “good-bad.”

Due to the incredible surplus of “good-bad” or otherwise culturally outdated material that’s floating around out there, “trolling” shitty movies ala Beavis and Butt-head and Mystery Science Theater 3000 has become commonplace among peoples of all ages.

This is not a bad thing, though it does beg the question; when does something cross the line from being “good-bad,” to just plain BAD?

While I honestly have no idea where that line may lie, I do know crap when I see it.

In case you hadn’t guessed from the title of this post, as well as from viewing the actual video itself; this ad for the LOCAL exterminator service StopBuggingMeNow.com, is pretty much the definition of crap.

There, now nobody can say I haven’t done my part to plug a (very likely crappy) local business.

Neither goofy enough, nor cheap enough to be funny in any way, this commercial commits the ultimate commercial sin of being just plain dull.

The hideous combination of poor acting, shitty costumes, an even poorer concept, and an embarrassingly lethargic pace makes this commercial one of the worst I can recall in recent memory.

Don’t get me wrong, from a purely technical standpoint we’ve all seen worse than this.

It’s just that when a commercial has no entertainment value whatsoever, no humor, no message, no point; it forces the viewer to come to terms with the fact that they’ve just had 30 seconds of their motherfuckin’ time pulled out from under them.

Many commercials are annoying.

Many are also entertaining.

But it takes a special breed of crappiness for a commercial to be just plain bad.

Fuck you StopBuggingMeNow commercial.  Get off my motherfucking TV.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , ,

Summon Skeet Ulrich!


Have you heard of Skeet Ulrich?

Don’t be ashamed if you don’t, having knowledge of him is neither counter-culture nor “hip,” it’s merely pointless and stupid.

That being said, let me; the (self-proclaimed) Master of the Pointless and Stupid be guide your guide to the slightly above average B-level actor that his Skeet Ulrich!

All you really have to know about the man, is that his first name is a slang term for male ejaculate; and his claim to fame in the acting world is that he looks kind of like Johnny Depp.

Rather, he looked like Johnny Depp:

Father Time: 1 - Skeet Ulrich: 0

To my knowledge, the one movie that most people would remember Skeet Ulrich from, had they the desire to do so; would most likely be Wes Craven’s Scream.

In Scream, Ulrich played a guy that looked vaguely like Johnny Depp and… Well, even though the movie came out some 6-7 years ago; I’d prefer not to spoil it, given that it’s actually pretty good.

On a side note, it was Wes Craven who originally gave Johnny Depp his first acting role in A Nightmare on Elm Street, making him responsible for introducing the film world to the panty soaking powerhouse that is Johnny Depp, as well as his significantly less talented Doppelganger, Jizz Ulrich.

What an interesting coincidence.

Near as I can tell, things have gone downhill for Skeet-Skeet ever since.

He co-starred in Chill Factor, a film about a nuclear ice cream truck.

...Or if you're foreign, "50 Degrees Fahrenheit." That's a winning title if I've ever heard one...

He starred in Jericho, a show that got cancelled around the time people started to care about it.

He also starred in a film called Chilly Dogs… In which he raced a bunch of cold-ass dogs in the Iditarod.

Holy shit, Spunk Ulrich, The Chick from Species, and Leslie Nielsen; ALL IN THE SAME MOVIE!?

And most recently I caught him, looking quite shopworn I might add; in Armored, a movie about quite possibly the most inept armored car robbers in all of armored car robbery.

Skeet Ulrich has long been a running gag in my mind as one of the higher profile “that guy” actors in Hollywood cinema.

A “that guy” is basically what I call an actor that you see, all the fucking time; however the average viewer rarely ever takes the time to learn their name.

Man-Spunk Ulrich came out the gate with the looks to set up a solid career, however for whatever reason he’s seemingly never amounted to any more than a Diet Johnny Depp.

Similar in taste and appearance, but otherwise lacking the substance of the original.

Oh well, as low-profile as the man’s career has been, I’ve had my fair share of laughs over making fun of him over the years.

Here’s to Cum-Puddle Ulrich, may the Doppelgangers of Hollywood live on!

 

 

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What Happened To Theme Songs?

Remember, back in the day, when every movie/TV series/cartoon had a cheesy self-titled theme song to go with it?

I miss those days.

I miss the days when (almost) every James Bond movie would have a goofy song of the same name as it’s theme.

I miss the days when the opening lyrics of my Saturday morning cartoons would remind me every .125 seconds of what the hell I was watching.

I miss the days when Kamen Rider would ride into battle to a triumphant theme song bearing his name.

Something happened to the traditional self-titled theme song in the past decade or so, and by golly; I’m upset.

Don’t get me wrong, theme songs still exist, especially for cartoons, it just makes me sad that culture has seemingly trended towards out-moding them in the mainstream.

Some time in the mid-80’s, a few years before I was born, it seemed like everything had a dumb self-titled theme song to go with it.

In example, I give you the (awesome) theme song for Cat’s Eye:

Cat’s Eye was an exceptionally shitty Stephen King movie by the way.

Not as bad as The Langoliers or anything, but nowhere near “good.”

Moving on, for the requisite sports drama; we have Sammy Hagar’s not quite named after the movie, but close enough theme song for Stallone’s appropriately titled, Over The Top:

While many of the songs of this era were kind of shitty, I always found it kind of cool that they were obviously written specifically for the production they were used in.

It shows that someone cared enough about the production to make a song dedicated to it.

As silly as that sounds, I think that’s kind of neat.

These days it seems like, anime, tokusatsu, movies, and TV shows no longer have “traditional” theme songs, rather they simply have some sort of pop song in it’s place.

Kamen Rider used to have self-titled themes for all of it’s iterations up until the 2000’s, when the themes seemed to stop making mention of the title character.

To be fair though, Kamen Rider theme songs seem to have been produced specifically for the shows they’re used in, as evidenced by the lyrics typically being firmly rooted in the core themes of the show, as well as occasionally being sung by some of the cast members:

What really grinds my gears though, is when pop song themes don’t really have anything to do with the production they’re used in besides serving as a musical motif in the soundtrack.

My best guess is, across all aspects of the film medium; this is done for economic purposes, but I ask you:

Does fuckin’ Linkin Park really hold a candle to the old Transformers theme?

Didn’t think so.

And by the way, no, I’m not going to embed the Linkin Park song for you ’cause… Well, just ’cause.

If there was any one thing I could wish for in Transformers 3, it’d have to be the inclusion of the Gen 1 theme song in some form.

Well, that and I suppose it would be nice if the movie didn’t suck.

Anyway, this has been a retarded rant, hopefully you all aren’t confused and/or angered by it.

Filed under: Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Wonder Woman Costume: ALTERED

WONDAH' WOH' MAAAAAAAHHNNN!!!!!

Well, apparently the bloggers/tweeters/comic book dorks won, ’cause it would appear that the producers of the new Wonder Woman TV show made an attempt to address a few of the innumerable complaints about the costume.

A few days I ago, I myself pounded out 1,000+ hating on the costume, so personally; it makes me happy to see some of the complaints I had addressed in some form.

Uh, which one's the "good" one?

While the costume does in fact still look like hot garbage, I must admit; the change of the boot color from blue to red does wonders to improve the cohesiveness of the costume, as well as better adhere to the history of the character.

Also, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see the high heels of the costume removed in favor of far more action-ready flats.

Seriously, the prospect of seeing an actress struggle to perform action scenes in 5-inch heels is a nightmare that I’d really prefer not to think about.

Thank you, Sky High; for playing out that nightmare for me every 5 fuckin' minutes...

Not that I’m going to be wasting my time watching this show or anything.

Anyway, on the prototype costume; the boots bore the same color as the ugly as condom pants; making the arrangement of the costume look utterly ridiculous and poorly coordinated.

On the same note, the material of the pants has been (thankfully) altered from some sort of cheap raincoat-like material, to a more breathable; and more darkly shaded fabric.

... And now it just looks like a tablecloth. Yay.

Given, it still looks like ass; but the stars running along the seam lines add a little bit of character to the costume, and the material seems more practical; so I guess it’s a good thing.

In all, I’d say every change made to the costume is a positive.

A shit donut covered in a fresh new layer of powdered shit is still in fact shit, if you get my meaning though.

Personally, it’s hard for me to perceive a live-action Wonder Woman that could be considered anything less than laughable; but even so, I guess this is a decent attempt.

Decent, but nowhere near good.

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“I Don’t Do Wonder Woman”

I’ve never read a Wonder Woman comic in my life.

I watched the Lynda Carter TV show on Nick at Nite when I was a kid, and I  her recent DC animated movie to be the cream of the animated crop; but for the most part, Wonder Woman is an unknown property to me.

Though she supposedly stands as an integral pillar to the “Trinity” of DC’s superhero pantheon, in all honesty I’ve always kind of viewed her as being a tier below Batman, and even Superman; in terms of prestige.

In my book, the triangle of power between the Big Three is definitely scalene. In Batman's favor mind you...

That’s not to say the character doesn’t have an incredible breadth of history behind it, or that the character seems lacking in terms of ability next to the aforementioned pair of ass-kickers; rather I’m just saying that Batman and Superman are like the good old fashioned American combo of ketchup and mustard, while Wonder Woman is more like hummus or some shit.

Translation:
Batman and Superman are household names, whose most significant exploits are often known to those that have no interest in comic books, whereas Wonder Woman is known; but very likely an enigma to most.

Pictured: A big 'ole plate of Wonder Woman...

*Whew!* That was one helluva’ simile!

I suppose if any value were to be extracted from the above mess of similes and bullshit, I’d say it’d have to be that:

I don’t do Wonder Woman.

I know the extent of her powers.

I have a rough understanding of her origins.

For the life of me though, I don’t know of a single significant event in her entire 70 year history.

Over the past decade or so, I’ve read review after glowing review praising Wonder Woman’s stories, due in no small part to Gail Simone’s impeccable writing talents.

Any author with the chops to write a scenario involving Bane riding a dinosaur gets a nod from me...

Hell, I remember reading a Wonder Woman trade review over at Collected Editions that started things off by saying “BUY THIS COMIC. NOW.”

Based on that statement, as well as numerous other complementary reviews I’ve read; clearly there’s quality entertainment to be found in some of Wonder Woman’s stories

Despite this, as well as my love for Gail Simone’s Secret Six series, I’ve yet to flip open a Wonder Woman trade.

I think part of the problem for me with Wonder Woman, is the inherent “ooginess” that comes from being a young man facing the prospect of reading a comic wherein a scantly clad woman runs around and beats the piss out of people.

...And then there's shit like this.

I’m not a prude.

I have a cock just like every other boy down the block.

It’s just that when it comes to the idea of reading comics like this, no matter how well written or lavishly illustrated; I can’t help but feel just a little bit dirty.

I’d like to read a Wonder Woman trade at some point, as I’ve been largely impressed by Wonder Woman’s guest appearances in some of other DC trades I’ve read; but for now my bookshelf shall remain Wonder-less.

I know it’s silly, but for the most part; this “oogie” issue is the only thing holding me back from giving Wonder Woman a shot.

Well, that and the horrifying prospect of being made to look like a pervert as I purchase a Wonder Woman trade for the inevitably female register clerk at the bookstore.

Anyway, this whole post came about as a result of the recent announcement of the new Wonder Woman TV series.

I definitely won’t be watching the show, but tomorrow I think I’ll give my thoughts on the new Wonder Woman costume.

See yah’ tomorrow!

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Gaming Overload

That's me on the right...

Before I get started, let me just say that, no; the title of this post does not refer to videogames.

It doesn’t refer to board games, sports, or manly shit like Jenga; but rather it refers to the pop culture game that we play at work, henceforth referred to as “The Game.”

For those that are unaware, “The Game” is something we play in the warehouse wherein one person names a fictional character, any fictional character; and the other player responds by citing the name of another fictional character whose name begins with the last letter in the name of the previous mentioned character.

In example:

Player A says “Superman,” wherein Player B would respond with “Naruto” or any other fictional character whose name begins with “N.”

Generally, “The Game” isn’t played to be “won,” rather the objective is to simply keep the game going to stave off boredom.

Despite this, some players choose their “moves” strategically in the hopes of stumping their opponents.

Examples of said tactics are the intentional use of characters whose names end in tricky letters like O, or uncommon ones like X.

Personally, I play by instinct, saying whatever comes to mind; but like I said, there are many ways to play “The Game.”

Anyway, today I engaged in an epic 1-on-1 duel with a coworker, the likes of which I have never encountered up to this point.

We were almost evenly matched, though in all honesty; I’m pretty sure he would’ve beat me if we kept it up long enough.

You see, in previous games I’ve played against people who are generally in the dark about anime, tokusatsu, or any Japanese pop culture in general.

Because of my opponent’s unfamiliarity with those characters, I took it upon myself to refrain from using them, as I felt it would seem sketchy to constantly cite characters who, in the eyes of my opponent; may as well be bullshit.

This time though, my opponent was extremely well-versed in Japanese pop culture, in fact much more so than myself given his vast breadth of anime character knowledge.

Curiously enough, a huge number of the characters he “played” were actually historical figures of the Sengoku era of Japanese history, all of whom make appearances in videogames like Onimusha and the Sengoku Basara series.

While this doesn’t seem like that big a deal, the reason I feel the need to mention this, is the fact that Japanese names totally change the dynamic of “The Game.”

You see, throughout every other match I’ve played previously, the most common letters played on was N.

O’s, X’s, and N’s are traditionally regarded as the most difficult letters to work from, making N a particularly powerful letter in “The Game.”

The thing with Japanese names that makes them so interesting when incorporated into “The Game” however, is the fact that Japanese names frequently end with A’s, I’s and O’s.

Think about that for a minute, how many O’s or I’s do you know?

That’s what I thought.

A huge factor in how “The Game” works, is that players often acquire additions to their “repertoire” through copying the citations of players from previous matches.

Now imagine you’re involved in an epic, 5 hour match; only to find that many of your go-to characters are now irrelevant given the fact their letters never seem to come up.

You read right, 5 fuckin’ hours.

The match was fun for the first few hours, however by the homestretch both my opponent and I were absolutely beat to shit.

Seriously, working an 10 hour day of overtime in a warehouse is enough to wipe me out on it’s own, but that coupled with 5 hours of tearing through the recesses of your mind for one last fuckin’ O name is enough to drive you nuts.

And wouldn’t you know it, that’s just about the truth of what happened to me on the car ride home.

You see, after playing the game for so long, and with such intensity; my thoughts somehow tuned themselves to work from that pattern.

Words, letters, and names from the radio, billboards, and even license plates all caused me to automatically start searching the recesses of my mind for names that began with the same letter they ended with.

I wasn’t trying to do it, it just sort of happened.

It lasted about an hour, and given that my thoughts were somehow working beyond my control; I found myself a little freaked out over it.

Believe me when I say this, the Azn Badger is not one to lose control of himself.

That being said, I don’t see myself playing “The Game” against that guy, for a good long while.

Maybe I’ll play the movie/TV show/videogame title variant of it instead, that’d probably be less strenuous.

Anyway, consider this a cautionary tale for those who might play “The Game” in the future.

Let it be known, too much dorkiness and pop culture will rot your brain…

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Tokusatsu, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Another Week Down, Another Farley Clip For The Masses

*Sigh* Another week at Amazon complete, and once again we celebrate with another clip of the funniest fat man of our time, Chris Farley.

This time around, we’re pulling a clip from one of Farley’s last, and sadly; least memorable films: Almost Heroes.

Despite being an overall shitty film, complete with a decidedly unfunny Matthew Perry (on the drugs, as evidenced by his slim frame at the time), Farley managed to salvage it for the most part with a handful of classic moments.

I don’t think any of us could help but laugh at Farley’s battle(s) with the eagle puppet.

We’ll save that clip for another time though…

Anyway, here’s one of my favorite of said classic moments:

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Azn Badger’s Top 5 Songs That Keep Him From Stabbing People (Korean Edition)

Hello all, and welcome to another edition of the Azn Badger’s Top 5 Songs That Keep Him From Stabbing People!

Last time around we tackled the Top 5 Japanese songs, and in keeping with the “Azn” portion of the title of this blog; today we’ll be delving into the realm of Korean music!

Before we begin, let me just say this:

I don’t speak Korean.

I know how to answer a phone, say “thank you,” and rattle off a handful of ethnic slurs, but that’s just about all the Korean I know.

Huh, that’d be one hell of a phone conversation:

“Hello?  You *bleepity bleepin’ BLEEP*!  Thank you! *CLICK!*”

Anyway, my interest in Korean songs springs almost entirely from hanging out with my Korean (between the 2 of us, we refer to Koreans as “Krns” pronounced “Kerns”) buddy from up the street.

He used to have an extensive library of Krn music, much of which I acquired from him at one time or another.

As a result, much of my favorite Krn songs are slightly outdated, being that they’re from the early 2000’s.

That being said, let’s get to the music:

5. Freaky Game 108 – Soul Dive


This song was one I stumbled across about a year ago when I was perusing an Azn music forum for new tunes.

I got a lot of great music out of that forum, and Freaky Game 108 was one of my favorites.

The album as a whole was shitty, but the one song was pretty freakin’ sweet.

Regardless, I love the pumping, almost dance track-like beat of this song, coupled with the rap style lyrics.

Like every other song on this list, I don’t have a fuckin’ clue as to what the lyrics entail; however this has never been a problem for me as long as the tune is good.

Remember, I’m a hummer not a singer.

4. Get Them Hands Up – 1TYM


I fuckin’ love 1TYM.

Ever since my Krn buddy and I used to pretend we were cool by cruising around in high school blasting their music through the speakers of his Corolla, 1TYM has been one of my favorite Krn music groups.

Sure they’re “happy rappers.”

Sure they look ridiculous.

Sure they’re a shitty rap group that were popular for 5 minutes.

Despite all that, I’ve got more of their tracks in my library than any other Krn band, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Of those tracks, Get Them Hands Up is easily my favorite, right next to “Hello!”

It’s got an awesome and fairly intricate beat, a nice flow; and most important of all, one of the catchiest and most satisfying choruses I’ve ever heard.

Seriously, I can’t recite it worth shit, but you better believe I’ve caught myself trying to in the shower every now and again.

3. The Last Scene – Roller Coaster


This song is what my Krn buddy and I used to refer to as the “Abercrombie and Fitch” song.

I dare you to listen to this song without picturing, even for a moment; a fuckin’ clothing commercial or fashion exhibition.

It just fits too well.

Despite this, the toe-tapping, yet surprisingly mellow beat, coupled with the smooth, yet vaguely emotionless voice of the lead singer, make for a song that as easy to lounge to, as it is to cruise down the highway to.

It’s a wonderful song, and is actually one of the very few mellow tunes that I keep on my Ipod.

2. Jeez! – B2Y


Jeez! was another song that I acquired from that one Azn music forum awhile back.

As a 2 girl, 2 boy band, B2Y is just what you’d expect:

A generic Azn pop group.

Despite the stigma surrounding this, (one that I happen to subscribe to in most cases) I’ve gotta’ say, Jeez! is a really fun song.

Just like 175R’s Yume De Aeta Nara from the other day, Jeez! is very much a disco-pop song, although in this case the disco element is very much at the forefront of things.

In my book, that’s a very good thing.

The energy of this song is just so goddamn cotton candy sweet, that’s it hard for me to think of any legitimate reason why anyone wouldn’t like it.

Oh yeah, and did I mention is has a really fuckin’ catchy chorus?

1. Champion – PSY


FUCK YES.

Beverly Hills Cop beat + Silly Krn lyrics = KRN GOLD.

From what my Krn buddy told me, Champion was just about the biggest fuckin’ song EVER when it first came out in Korea.

Honestly, I forget how I ran across Champion, but boy am I glad I did.

It’s kind of funny though, my favorite version of this song is actually a sped-up remix, however I wasn’t able to find it to share with you guys.

Oh well, the original version is epic enough as is I suppose…

Let it be known:

Any home graced with the sounds of Champion, shall henceforth be known as a “stab-free zone.”

Filed under: Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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