Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Time For Some Crappy Blu Ray Covers!

Pictured: A lazy ass cover.

It’s funny, as mediocre as I felt Cowboys and Aliens was as a film, I’m honestly surprised to see it hit the DVD stands with such hideous cover art.

Seriously man, the cover above represents one of the more lazy efforts I can recall for a major DVD release.

It’s got the obligatory orange and blue color contrast thing goin’ on, which shows at least some degree of competence/lack of originality on the part of the designer, but when you look at the individual elements with even the slightest attention to detail, it looks just plain ratty.

For one, all the major figures in the image are lit inconsistently, but more importantly, they’re blended together with little to no finesse.

It’s like they took a bunch of stock images from the film, through color filters over them, and slapped them together with no regard for how they might interact with one another.

Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what happened.

Anyway, let’s take a look at some other crappy DVD covers, shall we?

Pictured: The nasty-ass cover for the Rocky blu ray.

… Okay, now that’s just sad.

Not only do we have an inappropriately dark and brooding color palette and theme for THE GREATEST-FEEL GOOD SPORTS DRAMA OF ALL TIME, we also have a truly sad super imposed Stallone head atop a stock model body.

Honestly, I do crappy head swaps in Photoshop as a joke, so why the fuck did this guy get paid to do it, to ROCKY of all things?

Let’s move on to something worse before I throw a Rocky fanboy related fit, shall we?

Pictured: Crap in a shell case.

Ladies and gentleman, I believe we’ve found our cream of the crop.

Probably the funniest thing about this cover, besides it’s utter craptacularness I mean; is the fact that it represents a film that actually has quite a lot going for it in terms of visual aesthetics.

Seriously man, as “meh” as it might have been, Minority Report was one beautiful fucking movie.

From the excessive airbrushing of Action Cruise’s face, to the boring and plain-as-fuck layout, this is one hideous fucking cover.

Honestly, and I mean this in absolutely the most negative way possible; this cover looks like something from The Asylum films catalog.

It’s that fuckin’ bad.

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Filed under: Movies, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Went To First Thursday. Got Teleported…

Pictured: Me. Yah' dumbass...

I went to First Thursday with my buddy Mencius this evening.

It was alright.

At one of the galleries they had a webcam set up that let you take photos of yourself that looked like a cross between an audio level sensor, and a hacked Kinect display.

Anyway, I think the show was called Design Less Better.

It wasn’t great, but oh well, free photos.

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Summon Skeet Ulrich!


Have you heard of Skeet Ulrich?

Don’t be ashamed if you don’t, having knowledge of him is neither counter-culture nor “hip,” it’s merely pointless and stupid.

That being said, let me; the (self-proclaimed) Master of the Pointless and Stupid be guide your guide to the slightly above average B-level actor that his Skeet Ulrich!

All you really have to know about the man, is that his first name is a slang term for male ejaculate; and his claim to fame in the acting world is that he looks kind of like Johnny Depp.

Rather, he looked like Johnny Depp:

Father Time: 1 - Skeet Ulrich: 0

To my knowledge, the one movie that most people would remember Skeet Ulrich from, had they the desire to do so; would most likely be Wes Craven’s Scream.

In Scream, Ulrich played a guy that looked vaguely like Johnny Depp and… Well, even though the movie came out some 6-7 years ago; I’d prefer not to spoil it, given that it’s actually pretty good.

On a side note, it was Wes Craven who originally gave Johnny Depp his first acting role in A Nightmare on Elm Street, making him responsible for introducing the film world to the panty soaking powerhouse that is Johnny Depp, as well as his significantly less talented Doppelganger, Jizz Ulrich.

What an interesting coincidence.

Near as I can tell, things have gone downhill for Skeet-Skeet ever since.

He co-starred in Chill Factor, a film about a nuclear ice cream truck.

...Or if you're foreign, "50 Degrees Fahrenheit." That's a winning title if I've ever heard one...

He starred in Jericho, a show that got cancelled around the time people started to care about it.

He also starred in a film called Chilly Dogs… In which he raced a bunch of cold-ass dogs in the Iditarod.

Holy shit, Spunk Ulrich, The Chick from Species, and Leslie Nielsen; ALL IN THE SAME MOVIE!?

And most recently I caught him, looking quite shopworn I might add; in Armored, a movie about quite possibly the most inept armored car robbers in all of armored car robbery.

Skeet Ulrich has long been a running gag in my mind as one of the higher profile “that guy” actors in Hollywood cinema.

A “that guy” is basically what I call an actor that you see, all the fucking time; however the average viewer rarely ever takes the time to learn their name.

Man-Spunk Ulrich came out the gate with the looks to set up a solid career, however for whatever reason he’s seemingly never amounted to any more than a Diet Johnny Depp.

Similar in taste and appearance, but otherwise lacking the substance of the original.

Oh well, as low-profile as the man’s career has been, I’ve had my fair share of laughs over making fun of him over the years.

Here’s to Cum-Puddle Ulrich, may the Doppelgangers of Hollywood live on!

 

 

Filed under: Movies, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Summon Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s 2×4 Of Freedom!


I’ve always had a soft spot for Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

The man was never the best of wrestlers, nor was he possessed of one of the more memorable personalities in the business; but at the end of the day, it’s hard to deny the fact that the man had a pretty solid gimmick.

At a time when our nation was still wrought with fear over the threat of nuclear war and other such Red Dawn-y scenarios as instigated by the USSR, Jim Duggan was positioned as a blue-collar Captain America of sorts.

I think I just photoshop-ed the most awesome thing ever.

He didn’t have an imposing body-builder’s physique, and he certainly wasn’t handsome, but when he’d march down the ramp waving the stars and stripes with unwavering enthusiasm, the crowd was instantly his.

Though the strength of this gimmick is indeed shaky at best, especially nowadays; it makes me happy to know that, for a time, people were willing to forgo their cynicism and support the big ugly caveman and his flag-waving antics.

While the Captain America gimmick would eventually get snatched away, and improved upon; by Hulk Hogan, Jim Duggan’s other, perhaps more notable gimmick, was his 2×4.

For the life of me, I no idea why a slab of wood was Hacksaw’s weapon/gimmick of choice, but to his credit, it fuckin’ worked.

Seriously man, despite having virtually no interest in him other than his propensity for running around yelling “HOOOOOOOOO!!!” at the top of his lungs, in my youth that goddamn 2×4 proved to be more than enough to make me like the guy.

Hell, somewhere in my basement I still have my brother’s old Jim Duggan action figure, complete with miniature 2×4.

Yep, that's the one.

Anyway, no article about Jim Duggan is complete without mention of his EPIC theme music, so I figure I’ll just embed it below and let it do the talking for me:

 

 

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

DC Reboot Rage

As some of you may know, DC recently announced a massive reboot project across all of their major superhero comics.

As of writing this, the publisher is currently in the process of wrapping up all of their current story arcs/threads in preparation for said reboot; making it abundantly clear that they really are crazy enough to deploy the history eraser button on all of their beloved characters and storylines up to this point.

Well, remember how I said this all didn’t bother me all that much?

The image above represents the official redesigns for the Justice League in DC’s new era of comics, and by golly; I think it looks like hot garbage.

For the life of me I just can’t understand why everyone either looks like they’re wearing power armor, or in the case of Wonder Woman; just plain look like space-hookers.

Space-hookers with exposed torso musculature…

Looks like someone ran afoul of a Cenobite...

The old-fashioned designs and costumes may have been kind of dorky by today’s standards, but they had a quiet elegance about them that made them special.

Jack Kirby’s mastery of lines and patterns gave birth to untold numbers of classic and enduring designs, not through the use of extraneous detail and intricacy, but through simplicity.

Every line was calculated and purposeful. ART.

Such is the talent of many of the best pencil and ink artists:

The ability to convey strength and meaning behind the simplest of lines and angles.

It’s called refinement, and it’s something that is sorely lacking in DC’s reboot designs.

Everywhere I look on these designs, I see lines and ornaments that contribute nothing to the strength or symbol of their characters.

What the fuck is up with the gaudy-ass belts!?

How the fuck does everyone move in their tortoise shell power armor!?

How the fuck does Wonder Woman not cut her tits on her pointy-ass bustier!?

Aquaman looks alright with his new fins and pretty boy haircut, and Cyborg looks appropriate enough given that he’s the only character in the roster that actually is¬†supposed to be wearing power armor; (and was apparently put front and center for this graphic for the sole purpose of representing the black demographic) but everyone else just sort of looks like an aborted concept car design transposed onto a superhero.

Pictured: Batman, as designed by Lexus.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I was always fine with viewing Superman and Batman as being a couple of dudes wearing tights.

I know Batman was technically always supposed to be wearing a high-tech suit of pseud0-armor, but the fact of the matter is, unless otherwise stated in the context of the comics, superhero costumes have typically been depicted as being crafted from some imaginary fabric/material that adheres, not to the laws of physics; but to the pencil of the artists.

All I see when I look at these new designs, is a bunch of dudes in skin-tight armor plating.

SUPERMAN, the Jesus metaphor/Man of Steel is wearing ARMOR.

The Flash’s boots look like ski boots by Nerf.

Batman looks more like Owl Man from Crisis on Two Earths than he does THE GODDAMN BATMAN.

Pictured: THE GODDAMN BATMAN.

Wonder Woman looks like a pirate space-hooker.

Green Lantern looks… Relatively the same, just with hideous 90’s shoulder pads.

And everybody’s belts look truly, truly, truly outrageous.

To say I am disappointed in these designs does not even begin to scratch the surface.

I feel like we’re well on our way to falling right back into the 90’s era of comic art.

Hell, if movies, TV, comics, and pretty much every other part of American pop-culture right now is any indication; I think it’s pretty much guaranteed that Rob Liefeld shoulder pads and pouches are poised for a major comeback…

Oh well, here’s hoping DC pussies out and doesn’t press the button:

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Got Bored. Made T-Shirt.


As the heading of this post would suggest, I did in fact get bored, and yes; I did “design” the pseud0-artistic mess you see above.

I really don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to put this one together, but one thing’s for sure; I probably won’t be printing it anytime soon.

If I were to somehow become successful or some shit, then yeah; I could see myself printing off a few of these for fun, but until then, this is just a stupid “art” project that took far too long to complete.

Maybe I’ll print one just for myself, y’know; as a conversation piece.

If you know me, don’t worry, I won’t expect you to take photos of yourself wearing one of these on or anything.

I will however ask you to not laugh at me if for whatever reason I happen to wear one out in public.

Anyway, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t steal my “art” and what not, though I totally understand if you want to be a douche-rocket that profits from other people’s hard work.

Check back tomorrow, maybe I’ll write something for a change.

 

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , ,

Blog Every Day…

Image courtesy Anothersunnymorning.wordpress.com

Now before you get all excited thinking I finally got my shit together and put forth the time and effort to craft the image you see above, please note that this image is a gift from a close friend of mine over at Another Sunny Morning.

It’s a stunning likeness if I do say so myself, though this marks the second portrait of me the man’s made where I’m donning a wife-beater.

Funny, given that I almost never wear wife-beaters, and even then mine are black.

Oh well, maybe I just seem like a wife-beater wearin’ kind of guy to some people…

As part of an ongoing daily project, my buddies’ been making a legitimate piece of art every day, which given the pressures of having to find artistic inspiration every day; resulted in him making goofy pictures of people he knows doing goofy (yet somehow appropriate) things.

Anyway, he gave me the okay to use the image above if ever I felt the need to take “lazy day” on my blog, and wouldn’t you know; I’m cashing it in the same day he sent it to me.

That being said, sorry again for all the lazy posts; consider this one a great big “sigh” on my part.

Luckily I have friends to do my blogging for me when I’ve got nothing in the pipe.

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

SOUL of the Tiger

“Soul of the Tiger: Searching for Nature’s Answers in Southeast Asia.”

I have never read this book, nor do I see myself ever being inclined to do so; however there’s one aspect of it’s cover that managed to catch my eye as I passed by it earlier today.

It wasn’t the tiger at the bottom, nor the subject matter highlighted by the title of the book; rather it was the face of the mustachioed macho-man the top half of the cover that peaked my interest.

You see, while the average book shopper may not have noticed, my trained eyes; the eyes of an Attitude Era wrestling fan, took heed of the Magic Eye-esque image embedded in the cover of “Soul of the Tiger.”

Still can’t see it?

Here, let me help you out:

Ladies and Gentleman - The Rock.

The resemblance is uncanny…

 

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , ,

Hulk Hogan Fan Art!

WHATCHA GONNA' DO!!!??

Now before you go ahead and start shitting on my artistic talents, or lack thereof; let it be known, the drawing above was not made by the Azn Badger.

I went out to dinner with some friends this evening, and it just so happens that the restaurant we went to caters to the family atmosphere by allowing children to post drawings on the walls.

While I can’t confirm whether or not the unbelievably awesome rendering of Hulk Hogan at the top of this post is in fact the product of a child’s artistic merit, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t put a smile on my face.

Man, I really hope this was really made by a goofy kid, and not some hipster motherfucker trying to be “ironic.”

*Sigh* I don't even know what to say anymore...

One really cool thing worth noting about the drawing above, is that if you look at the top right corner of it, you’ll see a little post-it note with the word “Winner” written on it.

While I can only speculate as to what the reward for producing a drawing worthy of the “Winner” post-it at the little restaurant would be, the simple fact that a portrait of fuckin’ Hulk Hogan could win such a contest is enough to make me think there’s still hope for today’s youth.

Anyway, I had a long day, so this is the best I’ve got for a post tonight.

See you tomorrow!

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Azn Badger Pokemon!

Pretty neat, huh?

As much as I’d love to take credit for it, the work of art you see at the top of this post is in fact a donation from my buddy Mencius over at AnotherSunnyMorning.

I love the design of it, how it works from the actual Pokedex template of the Pokemon games.

Also, some of text and descriptions are a lot of fun, given that most of it is written in actual Pokemon syntax.

I especially the like “SERIOUS nature” and “Freezer Rage” elements of it, as they reflect my character quite accurately.

Anyway, given that I’ve been pumping out faux-Magic cards all this time, I figured it would be fun to take an opportunity to change things up by hosting a faux-Pokedex entry made by a good buddy of mine.

Mencius also made a Pokemon for himself as well, but I figure I’ll let him post it on his own blog.

Expect a link to that one somewhere down the road.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by; and make sure to take a look at AnotherSunnyMorning, I’m sure Mencius would appreciate it.

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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