Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

What Happened To Theme Songs?

Remember, back in the day, when every movie/TV series/cartoon had a cheesy self-titled theme song to go with it?

I miss those days.

I miss the days when (almost) every James Bond movie would have a goofy song of the same name as it’s theme.

I miss the days when the opening lyrics of my Saturday morning cartoons would remind me every .125 seconds of what the hell I was watching.

I miss the days when Kamen Rider would ride into battle to a triumphant theme song bearing his name.

Something happened to the traditional self-titled theme song in the past decade or so, and by golly; I’m upset.

Don’t get me wrong, theme songs still exist, especially for cartoons, it just makes me sad that culture has seemingly trended towards out-moding them in the mainstream.

Some time in the mid-80’s, a few years before I was born, it seemed like everything had a dumb self-titled theme song to go with it.

In example, I give you the (awesome) theme song for Cat’s Eye:

Cat’s Eye was an exceptionally shitty Stephen King movie by the way.

Not as bad as The Langoliers or anything, but nowhere near “good.”

Moving on, for the requisite sports drama; we have Sammy Hagar’s not quite named after the movie, but close enough theme song for Stallone’s appropriately titled, Over The Top:

While many of the songs of this era were kind of shitty, I always found it kind of cool that they were obviously written specifically for the production they were used in.

It shows that someone cared enough about the production to make a song dedicated to it.

As silly as that sounds, I think that’s kind of neat.

These days it seems like, anime, tokusatsu, movies, and TV shows no longer have “traditional” theme songs, rather they simply have some sort of pop song in it’s place.

Kamen Rider used to have self-titled themes for all of it’s iterations up until the 2000’s, when the themes seemed to stop making mention of the title character.

To be fair though, Kamen Rider theme songs seem to have been produced specifically for the shows they’re used in, as evidenced by the lyrics typically being firmly rooted in the core themes of the show, as well as occasionally being sung by some of the cast members:

What really grinds my gears though, is when pop song themes don’t really have anything to do with the production they’re used in besides serving as a musical motif in the soundtrack.

My best guess is, across all aspects of the film medium; this is done for economic purposes, but I ask you:

Does fuckin’ Linkin Park really hold a candle to the old Transformers theme?

Didn’t think so.

And by the way, no, I’m not going to embed the Linkin Park song for you ’cause… Well, just ’cause.

If there was any one thing I could wish for in Transformers 3, it’d have to be the inclusion of the Gen 1 theme song in some form.

Well, that and I suppose it would be nice if the movie didn’t suck.

Anyway, this has been a retarded rant, hopefully you all aren’t confused and/or angered by it.

Filed under: Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

December 14 2010: A Date Which Will Live In Rectal Infamy


Today my anus was sneak attacked as few anuses have been, uh, “snuck” attacked before it.

It all began 2 days ago at the dinner table…

My father, adventurous chef that he is; acquired a half dozen lamb shanks and broiled/stewed/cooked the shit out of them.

Lamb Shanks: The Silent Killer

Served awash in their own juices, as well as a healthy dousing of gravy, cranberries and mushrooms; the lamb was mouth-wateringly juicy and undeniably scrumptious.

It was a fine meal, fit for a king even.

… And then the lamb shanks made a second appearance on the dinner table the following evening.

Once again partaking of the greasy and oh so delicious lamb, I had no idea I was testing the limits of my stomach’s capacity to process hearty and/or artery clogging foods.

That evening I went to bed a boy with a full stomach.

Today I come before you, a man.

A man that can’t so much as bend over without feeling like he’s got a wad of tin foil lodged in his asshole.

Yeah, I wish I was kidding...

Honestly man, despite all the bathroom war stories I’ve shared on this blog, the one that I experienced earlier today was the worst I’ve ever experienced.

The worst part of it, as indicated by the title of this post; was the fact that I had no idea what was coming my way until it was already halfway out of me.

It began as many anal skirmishes do, with a persistent, but otherwise mild feeling of itchiness in my rectum.

Still at work at the time, I decided to ignore the warning shot across my asses’ bow in favor of keeping busy.

Throughout the day, the itchiness persisted, gradually pervading my consciousness and making it difficult to stay on task.

The problem was, I honestly didn’t feel like I needed to dump ass, my canal just felt itchy is all.

Anyway, as one might expect, after hours of itchiness in my cheek trench, I decided to set aside some time during my lunch break and attempt a little preemptive toilet bombing.

Y’know, just to see if there was in fact something stewing around in my guts that wanted out, but was just too shy to send out a warning fart to let me know.

Let me take a second to point something out to you:

We don’t sit down at the Amazon.com warehouse.

We get lunch and a few breaks, but outside of that; there’s almost no task in the warehouse that allows for one to sit down.

That being said, from the time I started getting my warning itch, to the time I actually decided to address it, I was never once squatting, bent over, or sitting down.

Had I done any one of those things, I probably wouldn’t have ignored those anal itches as foolishly as I did.

The moment I lifted my ass and bent my knees to plop down on the toilet, I felt my anus tear itself apart in a firestorm of rectal fury.

Pearl Harbor?

The Firebombing of Dresden?

The nuclear detonations at Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

Fucking child’s play compared to the furious inferno of hellfire rampaging through my asshole at ground zero.

As I sit here typing this, I still don’t know what the fuck happened.

It seriously felt like someone took an icepick, rammed it up my ass, and then “stirred” it around up there like they were making brownie mix or some shit.

I would take this any day over what I went through this afternoon...

Did I mention the icepick had been heated with a blowtorch?

Anyway, despite my eyes beginning to drip with tears from the pain an intensity of the battle ensuing down below; I nevertheless made the commitment to press forward and expel the foul beast of bile that had so viciously crippled my asshole.

While the sneak attack on my asshole was easily the most painful experience of today’s instance of bathroom warfare, the actual shit was pretty epic as well.

It’s not often I take long shits, but today’s sneaky turd was a good 6-8 incher.

While that may not be much by most standards, the real issue was the fact that, while he might not have been epicly long, he made me fight for every inch.

You ever seen a Moray Eel?

Note the abundance of the knives and stabbing weapons in his mouth...

Well, imagine pushing that out your anus, while it’s head’s inside you tearing away at your innards.

Needless to say, it was a hard fought battle that I feel fortunate to have survived.

Upon finally expelling the foul beast of brown from my bruised and bloodied hole of shame, I quickly flushed it away fearing it might in fact have been some sort of nasty creature out to get me from the inside out:

In case you’re a 5 year old, and think that Jason Lee was wrestling with his (presumably) monstrous cock in this clip; it’s actually a “shit-weasel” from Stephen King’s Dreamcatcher.

Quite faithfully rendered from the source material as well if I do say so myself.

Anyway, consider yourselves fortunate you weren’t me today folks.

Though I may be alive and mostly well, (my ass still hurts like a motherfucker…) something tells me I’ll be having flashbacks and night terrors over this one for some time…

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Motion Capture Is Cool…

I was watching my newly purchased Blu-Ray of Avatar tonight, when it suddenly hit me that I forgot to write my blog.

Nah, just kidding, I never forget…

While I’m on the subject of movies though, I figure now would be a good time for me to talk about my feelings on motion capture technology; something that Avatar couldn’t have been made without.

I’ve always been fascinated by the artistry of the human body in motion.

I’m a firm believer in the concept that much of how we communicate our image and demeanor to the the people around us, stems from our body language.

That being said, whether it be in stage acting, professional wrestling, dance, mime, sports, or fighting; a person’s character, both fictionalized or genuine; shines through in the manner in which the move their body.

For me, a person that doesn’t converse with new people often, or well for that matter; being able to understand gesticulations and body language goes a long way towards getting to know people.

Though I can’t pin down the first time I saw it in action, motion capture technology is an amazing tool that I’ve grown to love very much.

The basic concept of it alone is utterly intriguing to the point in which I found myself wanting to be involved with it at some point.

Seriously, if you know anyone with an “in” to the motion capture industry, let me know!

For those who are unaware, motion capture is a technology that uses a specialized camera and computerized tracking system to map out and record the movements of a subject’s form.

Using the data recorded through this process, said movements can then be transposed onto the anatomy of a digital character.

In the context of movie or videogame production, doing so allows CGI animators to save (some) time by using actual human actors to map out a performance for digital characters, which can then be finessed or tweaked further by the animators.

In many ways, it’s the heir apparent to the classic animation technique of rotoscoping.

In many ways, the largest benefit of motion capture technology, is that it grants directors and animators an incredible degree of control over their projects.

If George Lucas is any indication, control is something that is very important to filmmakers.

They say some of the best moments in film history have been the results of happy coincidences, or even mistakes.

While that may be true, CGI stands as a counter to that, as a tool that allows filmmakers a degree of control that makes the word “mistake” seem almost obsolete.

CGI allows directors to create and animate just about any imagery that pops into their head, but motion capture technology allows them the ability to continue to work with actors, while taking advantage of the technology to precisely extract the desired performance from said actors.

While I don’t see live-action movies going away at any point in human existence, the inherent possibilities of producing digital motion captured films are downright incredible.

Think of it this way:

When producing CGI films with motion captured performances, one gains the freedom to set their film anywhere they want, populated by whatever they want.

They also retain the ability to cast big-name actors that put asses in the seats, not to mention gain the capacity to modify the actor’s appearance to their liking.

Not only that, motion capture also allows for stunt actors to be inserted into scenes without having to be shot at distance or from behind, as the whole process would be seamless.

Come to think of it, the whole concept of “stunts” as a whole could potentially be removed when making a motion captured film.

After all, the whole thing is performed in a sound stage, not to mention the actor can be “removed” from scenes whenever necessary, thereby allowing the animators to take over for the dangerous or “un-performable” sequences.

Still, the idea of being able to slip Donnie Yen’s motion capture performance into Tom Cruise’s digitally de-aged body is something that I’m sure a lot of people would pay to see.

To me though, the most interesting aspect of motion capture in film, is it’s effect on the acting process.

Acting in a green room, surrounded by artifice, actors have to dig deep and use their imagination to summon strong performances.

In short, more stress is put on the actor to use their body to convincingly occupy the digital landscape their character inhabits.

From the audience’s perspective, I find it changes how we view these performances as well.

While I myself am normally attuned to the physical aspects of an actors performance, when I watch motion captured performances, I find myself drawn to dig a little deeper.

I can’t tell you how much fun it is to see a digital character walk around in a movie, only to find the tiniest little inkling of evidence of the fact that you are in fact seeing a familiar actor, give a performance in an unfamiliar shell.

In many ways it reminds me of my lifelong love of Godzilla, or any sort of “suit acting” for that matter.

When Haruo Nakajima stomped around in a Godzilla suit, you could instantly tell it was him by the “largeness” and sheer character of his movements.

When Kane Hodder killed bitches as Jason Voorhees in the Friday the 13th movies, we could always tell it was him by how savagely he went about killin’ bitches.

When Peter Weller was switched out in favor of Robert John Burke (the fattie from Thinner) in Robocop 3, we were all up in arms; not just because that movie sucked, but because Burke’s physical performance simply wasn’t Robocop.

While motion captured performances will never beat good ‘ole “man-in-suit” acting, the concept is similar enough that is brings me great joy to watch.

I look forward to seeing the day when Donnie Yen steps into the motion capture studio and shows us what motion capture pictures have been missing out on.

Seriously, why the fuck hasn’t anyone made a martial arts movie in mo-cap yet, huh?

That’s right Robert Zemeckis and James Cameron, I’m lookin’ at you two…

Filed under: Boxing, Kung Fu, Movies, Tokusatsu, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Watch the Top 100 Goriest Films!

He's not nearly on the list, but I guarantee you Pennywise the Clown is 20 times scarier than any of the psycho killers in the Top 100...

Last week, a coworker of mine mentioned that he had stumbled across a list of the Top 100 Goriest Films.

The list originated from the longstanding and well-respected horror news site, Bloody Disgusting.com.

Said coworker was kind enough to inform me that he  had committed himself to eventually working his way through every film on the list.

Upon hearing this, my first response was to say to myself:

Then I got all serious and I was like:

“Shit, that sounds like a fun project.  I should do that too!”

Being as I don’t have a whole lot of inspiration as a writer right now, I figure this may be a good way to force myself into pounding out a post every so often.

That being said, 100 movies is, quite frankly, a shit ton of movies.

Thankfully I’ve already seen 51 of them, leaving me with an almost manageable 49 to deal with.

For those who care, here is a repost of the list (thanks to Tim Wambolt for compiling this, coded for my convenience:

*= Seen it.

$= Want to see it.

?= What the fuck is this shit?…

1. DEAD ALIVE ($)
2. HOSTEL*
3. TAE GUK GI: THE BROTHERHOOD OF WAR*
4. EVIL DEAD 2: DEAD BY DAWN*
5. HELLRAISER 2: HELLBOUND*
6. NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD*
7. A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET*
8. VERSUS*
9. ICHI THE KILLER*
10. BATTLE ROYALE*
11. RIKI-O: THE STORY OF RICKI*
12. DEAD OR ALIVE*
13. CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST
14. THE RE-ANIMATOR ($)
15. THE TOXIC AVENGER ($)
16. FROM DUSK TILL DAWN*
17. THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
18. FACES OF DEATH (?)
19. DAWN OF THE DEAD ’04*
20. NIGHTMARES IN A DAMAGED BRAIN (?)
21. JOHN CARPENTER’S THE THING*
22. THE HILLS HAVE EYES*
23. THE BEYOND*
24. ZOMBI 2*
25. ANTHROPOPHAGOUS THE BEAST (?)
26. STARSHIP TROOPERS*
27. CANNIBAL CAMPOUT (?)
28. ROBOCOP*
29. CANNIBAL FEROX/MAKE THEM DIE SLOWLY (?)
30. DAWN OF THE DEAD*
31. BLOODSUCKING FREAKS
32. STREET TRASH (?)
33. KILL BILL VOLUME ONE*
34. SALAD DAYS (?)
35. THE BLOB (Remake)*
36. SEVEN*
37. THE EVIL DEAD*
38. THE DEAD NEXT DOOR
39. THE FLY (Remake)*
40. GUINEA PIG: THE SERIES
41. AMERICAN PSYCHO*
42. APOCALYPTO*
43. DAY OF THE DEAD*
44. HELLRAISER*
45. BAD TASTE
46. LET SLEEPING CORPSES LIE (?)
47. SAVING PRIVATE RYAN*
48. MANIAC (?)
49. HIGH TENSION*
50. CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD*
51. BUIO OMEGA (?)
52. LAND OF THE DEAD*
53. KICHIKU: BANQUET OF THE BEAST (?)
54. DEADLY SPAWN*
55. DEEP RED (?)
56. CUBE ($)
57. DRILLER KILLER (?)
58. SAW III*
59. CALIGULA
60. VIDEODROME*
61. AUGUST UNDERGROUND (?)
62. HANNIBAL*
63. BLADE 2*
64. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON*
65. AFTERMATH (?)
66. SUICIDE CLUB
67. BLOOD FEAST (?)
68. AUGUST UNDERGROUND: MORDUM (?)
69. NEKROMANTIK (?)
70. THE DESCENT*
71. BOXER’S OMEN (?)
72. MEN BEHIND THE SUN (?)
73. FEAST*
74. FREDDY VS. JASON*
75. SHAUN OF THE DEAD
76. VIOLENT SHIT (?)
77. CARRIE*
78. PREDATOR*
79. COMBAT SHOCK (?)
80. MURDER-SET-PIECES (?)
81. PHANTASM II ($)
82. THE BLOOD OF BEASTS (?)
83. WOLF CREEK ($)
84. RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD III*
85. TERROR FIRMER (?)
86. TENEBRAE
87. CEMETARY MAN ($)
88. JUNGLE HOLOCAUST
89. IZO
90. MY BLOODY VALENTINE
91. SIN CITY*
92. DOG SOLDIERS*
93. THE UNTOLD STORY
94. I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE
95. MEET THE FEEBLES ($)
96. THE BOOGEY MAN
97. WIZARD OF GORE
98. FOUR BROTHERS ($)
99. SALO: 100 DAYS OF SODOM (?)
100. TETSUO THE IRON MAN*

For those that are keeping score at home, that totals out to:

49 movies I haven’t seen.

22 movies I don’t recognize by name.

And only 8 movies I want to see.

You see, nobody said anything about this list being populated with good movies.

Contrary to popular belief, I do in fact have some taste in movies, which is largely the reason as to why I’ve seen the 51 films off this list that I have.

Then again, I don’t know of a whopping 22 of them, so there may in fact be some hidden treasures in there.

Doubtful, but it’s a possibility nonetheless.

Color me surprised when I discovered I’d already seen all of the Top 10 excluding the #1 pick, Peter Jackson’s zombie classic, Braindead AKA Dead Alive.

Anybody else remember Braindead 13? Anybody? Bueller?...

Oh well, at least now we know what I’ll be saving for the grand finale…

Anyway, this project could in fact turn out to be a tremendously painful waste of time, but hey, I’m doing this to keep busy, and with 49 movies to get through, something tells me things are gonna’ work out just fine…

Check back every now and again for my thoughts on these movies!

Play me out, Pennywise:

Filed under: Movies, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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