Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Time For Some Crappy Blu Ray Covers!

Pictured: A lazy ass cover.

It’s funny, as mediocre as I felt Cowboys and Aliens was as a film, I’m honestly surprised to see it hit the DVD stands with such hideous cover art.

Seriously man, the cover above represents one of the more lazy efforts I can recall for a major DVD release.

It’s got the obligatory orange and blue color contrast thing goin’ on, which shows at least some degree of competence/lack of originality on the part of the designer, but when you look at the individual elements with even the slightest attention to detail, it looks just plain ratty.

For one, all the major figures in the image are lit inconsistently, but more importantly, they’re blended together with little to no finesse.

It’s like they took a bunch of stock images from the film, through color filters over them, and slapped them together with no regard for how they might interact with one another.

Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what happened.

Anyway, let’s take a look at some other crappy DVD covers, shall we?

Pictured: The nasty-ass cover for the Rocky blu ray.

… Okay, now that’s just sad.

Not only do we have an inappropriately dark and brooding color palette and theme for THE GREATEST-FEEL GOOD SPORTS DRAMA OF ALL TIME, we also have a truly sad super imposed Stallone head atop a stock model body.

Honestly, I do crappy head swaps in Photoshop as a joke, so why the fuck did this guy get paid to do it, to ROCKY of all things?

Let’s move on to something worse before I throw a Rocky fanboy related fit, shall we?

Pictured: Crap in a shell case.

Ladies and gentleman, I believe we’ve found our cream of the crop.

Probably the funniest thing about this cover, besides it’s utter craptacularness I mean; is the fact that it represents a film that actually has quite a lot going for it in terms of visual aesthetics.

Seriously man, as “meh” as it might have been, Minority Report was one beautiful fucking movie.

From the excessive airbrushing of Action Cruise’s face, to the boring and plain-as-fuck layout, this is one hideous fucking cover.

Honestly, and I mean this in absolutely the most negative way possible; this cover looks like something from The Asylum films catalog.

It’s that fuckin’ bad.

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Yet Another Shitty Book Cover


Maybe it’s just me, but this cover just gives me the giggles.

Something about the absurd juxtaposition of a black male model (admittedly, my own assumption) stomping down an alleyway brandishing a broadsword and donning a goddamn crown; just seems silly to me.

In many ways, the Chuck Taylor’s are kind of the icing on the cake in terms of the silly little details of this cover.

The really weird part about this cover, is the fact that, from a purely technical standpoint; it’s actually not all that bad.

The coloring and blending of the various elements is done well enough, largely banking off of the oh-so-infamous Michael Bay technique of “oranges and blues.”

The model’s pose is striking and suits the layout well enough.

Really, it’s the core premise of the African American, sword and revolver wielding “Street King” that ruins what, in many ways; could have been a surprisingly decent cover.

Let that be a lesson to all you potential authors:

DON’T WRITE STUPID SHIT.

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A New Contender Steps Forward From The Shadows…


While this cover is nowhere near the standard of epic shittiness set by Time Ninja, it’s hard to deny that this one is a piece of crap in it’s own right.

The figure is poorly blended to the equally poorly rendered background.

The transparent text is more than a little confusing and hard to read.

The color scheme, in particular the juxtaposition between the RAINBOW FUCKING SKY and the DREARY AS FUCK BEACH is sloppy and completely lacking in organization and structure.

Worst of all though, is the fact that the figure, the dude with the Jew-fro wearing the busted-ass wife-beater just looks fucking lame.

Seriously man, when I first saw this dude standing in the wasteland, my mind first went to Jack Tenrec from Cadillacs and Dinosaurs, which in itself; is not a bad thing:

Cadillacs and Dinosaurs was, in a word: AWESOME.

Despite this, upon closer inspection, my mind came to a different, far nastier conclusion as to who our curly haired cover model might be.

I’m of course talking about Stingray from the previously unheard of, but now thanks to THE INTERNET; ironically famous action film, Undefeatable:

Pictured: Stingray's "I see boobies" face.

If you still don’t know who this is, congratulations, you have yet to have your world crushed and ruined by the horrors of internet meme-dom.

Should you be one of those fortunate to have avoided Undefeatable all this time, please allow me to assist you in your mental degeneration:

You’re Welcome!

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

One Of The Worst Book Covers I’ve Ever Seen


I’ve done bad book cover posts before, but this one might just take the cake.

Many times, when a book has a truly horrendous cover, there’s ussually at least some aspect of it’s design that’s commendable/acceptable.

For instance, many fantasy novels have laughable character designs and titles; but in many cases the artistry of the cover is commendable, at least from a technical standpoint.

Other times covers are simply generic, bringing nothing unique to the table; but still doing enough to qualify as a commissioned piece of artwork.

The cover above, for the sci-fi/fantasy novel “Time Ninja,” has none of these things going for it.

The font is bland.

The title is retardedly unoriginal.

The colors are faded and washed out.

The figures on display are poorly rendered at best, coming across like poorly photoshopped drawings with a plain ‘ole smudge filter slapped onto them.

The layout has no sense of rhyme or reason, with most of the figures and details being strewn about at random.

I’ve seen bad covers before, but when I, a (mostly) humble Azn boy with a non-descript Bachelor’s degree that may or may not have something to do with “art,” can look at a book cover and honestly feel that I could do better; then you know you’re dealing with something that is… Well, I think Ian Malcolm said it best:

“For those that care to know, here is the back-of-the-book description for “Time Ninja”:
Andy Schoepp’s Definitive Sci-Fi, Action/Adventure, Ninja Epic has arrived! The year is 2101, global warming and a depleted ozone layer are destroying the Earth. The human race lies on the brink of extinction with its only hope being a planet in another galaxy. A raging civil war reigns supreme over the technology to transport people to that planet which can save the human race. It is in this future that Master Ninja Ryu Kendo must obtain a special sword that can help him save his village from annihilation. But the raging civil war may consume Ryu’s mind, body, soul and indeed his very being. Will Ryu sacrifice his village for his friends, the woman he loves and for the future of humankind? In Time Ninja, Andy Schoepp paints a vivid tapestry of an ancient, Japanese village in modern times and a future fraught with civil war, high-tech weaponry and characters fighting to stay alive with the Earth in peril of obliteration. And, when Andy Schoepp combines the ancient techniques of Ninjutsu with the high-tech weaponry of the future, it will be a battle none will soon forget! Time Ninja is a must-read epic you won’t want to miss!”

Congratulations Andy Schoep and illustrator Ron Heinsman, not only did you compose a “must-read epic,” you also gave us one of the worst covers of all time.

That being said, there’s no denying that Space Bobcat still reigns supreme:

STILL, THE BEST COVER EVER.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

SOUL of the Tiger

“Soul of the Tiger: Searching for Nature’s Answers in Southeast Asia.”

I have never read this book, nor do I see myself ever being inclined to do so; however there’s one aspect of it’s cover that managed to catch my eye as I passed by it earlier today.

It wasn’t the tiger at the bottom, nor the subject matter highlighted by the title of the book; rather it was the face of the mustachioed macho-man the top half of the cover that peaked my interest.

You see, while the average book shopper may not have noticed, my trained eyes; the eyes of an Attitude Era wrestling fan, took heed of the Magic Eye-esque image embedded in the cover of “Soul of the Tiger.”

Still can’t see it?

Here, let me help you out:

Ladies and Gentleman - The Rock.

The resemblance is uncanny…

 

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , ,

Quatro McShane and the Bronco Conspiracy

Quatro McShane and the Bronco Conspiracy

by Duncan R. Funkelton

Quatro McShane, the baddest intergalactic space-trucker in all the Five Systems, is at it again in this action-packed tale of intrigue and mystery!
In this adventure, McShane once again finds himself at odds with his old rival, Jeep Limbo, as the two race against time to discover the cause of the sudden reemergence of the once extinct, desert dwelling space beasts, called Broncos.
With both of their space-rigs hijacked and torn to bits by the Broncos, McShane and Limbo are forced to team up as they battle their way to the Bronco lair.
Will they discover the cause for the sudden reemergence of the Broncos?
More importantly, will they be able to work together long enough to do something about it?
Read “Quatro McShane and the Bronco Conspiracy” to find out!

(Image used with the consent of Jeffrey Dong)

Yup, that’s Jeff Dong’s book cover for my shitty Sci-Fi/Fantasy novel idea!

Personally, I think Mr. Dong did a bang up job with his cover, capturing the retardedly bad-ass nature of the characters as well as finding a good representation of the totally nondescript “Broncos” of the title.

Hurray for giant isopods.

Probably my favorite part of the cover though, is Mr. Dong’s representation of the “space rig,” he really took the images straight out of my brain on that one.

Goddamn Quatro McShane is a cool name, hella’ proud of myself on that one…

Praise be to Space Bobcat.

The Great Silver Statue of Space Bobcat amid Mayan Temple Ruins.

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