Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Time For Some Crappy Blu Ray Covers!

Pictured: A lazy ass cover.

It’s funny, as mediocre as I felt Cowboys and Aliens was as a film, I’m honestly surprised to see it hit the DVD stands with such hideous cover art.

Seriously man, the cover above represents one of the more lazy efforts I can recall for a major DVD release.

It’s got the obligatory orange and blue color contrast thing goin’ on, which shows at least some degree of competence/lack of originality on the part of the designer, but when you look at the individual elements with even the slightest attention to detail, it looks just plain ratty.

For one, all the major figures in the image are lit inconsistently, but more importantly, they’re blended together with little to no finesse.

It’s like they took a bunch of stock images from the film, through color filters over them, and slapped them together with no regard for how they might interact with one another.

Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what happened.

Anyway, let’s take a look at some other crappy DVD covers, shall we?

Pictured: The nasty-ass cover for the Rocky blu ray.

… Okay, now that’s just sad.

Not only do we have an inappropriately dark and brooding color palette and theme for THE GREATEST-FEEL GOOD SPORTS DRAMA OF ALL TIME, we also have a truly sad super imposed Stallone head atop a stock model body.

Honestly, I do crappy head swaps in Photoshop as a joke, so why the fuck did this guy get paid to do it, to ROCKY of all things?

Let’s move on to something worse before I throw a Rocky fanboy related fit, shall we?

Pictured: Crap in a shell case.

Ladies and gentleman, I believe we’ve found our cream of the crop.

Probably the funniest thing about this cover, besides it’s utter craptacularness I mean; is the fact that it represents a film that actually has quite a lot going for it in terms of visual aesthetics.

Seriously man, as “meh” as it might have been, Minority Report was one beautiful fucking movie.

From the excessive airbrushing of Action Cruise’s face, to the boring and plain-as-fuck layout, this is one hideous fucking cover.

Honestly, and I mean this in absolutely the most negative way possible; this cover looks like something from The Asylum films catalog.

It’s that fuckin’ bad.

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Filed under: Movies, , , , , , , , , , , ,

The IdentityHawk Is Kind Of A Prick


Yesterday I posted an example of what I’d consider to be a truly awful TV commercial.

Given that I’ve been starved for writing inspiration for the past few days, I figure one more “bad commercial post” wouldn’t hurt.

Let’s just hope this doesn’t become a regular “thing” on this blog…

Anyway, I’ve been watching TV a little more than usual lately, particularly the local networks, and as such; a few frequently aired commercials have been nagging on me as of late.

One of them was the StopBuggingMeNow commercial from yesterday, and the other is the IdentityHawk one at the top of this post.

While nowhere near as piss-poor as yesterday’s epic crap-fest, the IdentityHawk commercial is fairly poor in terms of scripting and overall production values, though it was shot at or near HD quality; so you can tell they at least tried to produce it semi-professionally

Despite this, there’s some aspects to it that are giggle, or at least sarcastic snort worthy.

For one thing, I love how the music makes a 180 degree tonal shift from America’s Most Wanted eerie, to Walmart wholesome pretty much at the drop of a hat.

Despite this though, the real star of the show is the no-nonsense IdentityHawk mascot.

For whatever reason, the poorly rendered (though not unbearably so) CG hawk has a few quirks to him that make me smile.

More specifically, his ultra straightforward manner of speech and rather severe case of cerebral palsy make me laugh.

Something about the idea of a douchebag hawk swooping in and yelling “HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN’!?” to some guy picking through peoples’ garbage just seems humorous to me.

I love how the fuckin’ hawk basically cuts through the dude’s bullshit and doesn’t really give him a chance to explain himself in the slightest.

In fact, now that I think about it, the IdentityHawk really seems like kind of a prick, as had the “identity thief” character not voiced his intentions out loud, there’s a good chance he might’ve just been some homeless guy picking through garbage cans for food.

For an identity thief he has a splendid head of hair. Jus' sayin'...

I’m all for identification security and what not, but does protecting one’s information really mandate the use of asshole-ish, talking, CGI hawks to protect one’s garbage cans?

Seriously man, if this IdentityHawk shit hits the big time, we could be looking at a grim future where neighbors end up routinely murdering each other with their IndentityHawks over dumping shit in each other’s dumpsters.

Shit, if my neighbors had a douchy CGI hawk in their yard, my dad and I probably wouldn’t last a week.

IdentityHawk, keeping your identity/garbage safe from thieves/homeless people ’cause it’s the ‘Merikuhn way.

 

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , ,

A New Contender Steps Forward From The Shadows…


While this cover is nowhere near the standard of epic shittiness set by Time Ninja, it’s hard to deny that this one is a piece of crap in it’s own right.

The figure is poorly blended to the equally poorly rendered background.

The transparent text is more than a little confusing and hard to read.

The color scheme, in particular the juxtaposition between the RAINBOW FUCKING SKY and the DREARY AS FUCK BEACH is sloppy and completely lacking in organization and structure.

Worst of all though, is the fact that the figure, the dude with the Jew-fro wearing the busted-ass wife-beater just looks fucking lame.

Seriously man, when I first saw this dude standing in the wasteland, my mind first went to Jack Tenrec from Cadillacs and Dinosaurs, which in itself; is not a bad thing:

Cadillacs and Dinosaurs was, in a word: AWESOME.

Despite this, upon closer inspection, my mind came to a different, far nastier conclusion as to who our curly haired cover model might be.

I’m of course talking about Stingray from the previously unheard of, but now thanks to THE INTERNET; ironically famous action film, Undefeatable:

Pictured: Stingray's "I see boobies" face.

If you still don’t know who this is, congratulations, you have yet to have your world crushed and ruined by the horrors of internet meme-dom.

Should you be one of those fortunate to have avoided Undefeatable all this time, please allow me to assist you in your mental degeneration:

You’re Welcome!

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

One Of The Worst Book Covers I’ve Ever Seen


I’ve done bad book cover posts before, but this one might just take the cake.

Many times, when a book has a truly horrendous cover, there’s ussually at least some aspect of it’s design that’s commendable/acceptable.

For instance, many fantasy novels have laughable character designs and titles; but in many cases the artistry of the cover is commendable, at least from a technical standpoint.

Other times covers are simply generic, bringing nothing unique to the table; but still doing enough to qualify as a commissioned piece of artwork.

The cover above, for the sci-fi/fantasy novel “Time Ninja,” has none of these things going for it.

The font is bland.

The title is retardedly unoriginal.

The colors are faded and washed out.

The figures on display are poorly rendered at best, coming across like poorly photoshopped drawings with a plain ‘ole smudge filter slapped onto them.

The layout has no sense of rhyme or reason, with most of the figures and details being strewn about at random.

I’ve seen bad covers before, but when I, a (mostly) humble Azn boy with a non-descript Bachelor’s degree that may or may not have something to do with “art,” can look at a book cover and honestly feel that I could do better; then you know you’re dealing with something that is… Well, I think Ian Malcolm said it best:

“For those that care to know, here is the back-of-the-book description for “Time Ninja”:
Andy Schoepp’s Definitive Sci-Fi, Action/Adventure, Ninja Epic has arrived! The year is 2101, global warming and a depleted ozone layer are destroying the Earth. The human race lies on the brink of extinction with its only hope being a planet in another galaxy. A raging civil war reigns supreme over the technology to transport people to that planet which can save the human race. It is in this future that Master Ninja Ryu Kendo must obtain a special sword that can help him save his village from annihilation. But the raging civil war may consume Ryu’s mind, body, soul and indeed his very being. Will Ryu sacrifice his village for his friends, the woman he loves and for the future of humankind? In Time Ninja, Andy Schoepp paints a vivid tapestry of an ancient, Japanese village in modern times and a future fraught with civil war, high-tech weaponry and characters fighting to stay alive with the Earth in peril of obliteration. And, when Andy Schoepp combines the ancient techniques of Ninjutsu with the high-tech weaponry of the future, it will be a battle none will soon forget! Time Ninja is a must-read epic you won’t want to miss!”

Congratulations Andy Schoep and illustrator Ron Heinsman, not only did you compose a “must-read epic,” you also gave us one of the worst covers of all time.

That being said, there’s no denying that Space Bobcat still reigns supreme:

STILL, THE BEST COVER EVER.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I Used To Like Snow…

I WAS IN TRAFFIC FOR 6 HOURS THIS EVENING.

How ‘Bout You?

And I thought me an’ snow was cool…

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Predators Sucked a Honey Badger’s Ass

And sucked it good...

Nimrod Antal’s Predators sucked donkey balls.

Like, FOH’ REAL.

Hah! Betcha' didn't think I could tie in the Hawaiian stuff with donkey balls, am I right?

Nothing happened in the first half of the movie.

My favorite actor in the movie was killed off way too early, and unceremoniously at that.

Adrien Brody spends the whole movie failing at imitating Christian Bale’s Batman voice.

Topher Grace is mostly useless, essentially still stuck playing Eric Forman (don’t ask me why Eric Forman has a Wikipedia article) from That 70’s Show.

So much of the film was made in homage to the first film in the series that it may as well have been a remake.

The Predators have virtually no presence in the film, physical or otherwise.

Oh yeah, and the last third of the movie, which is also curiously overlong; takes what little promise the film might have had, and proceeds to shit all over it.

With poop.

For 45 minutes.

Boy am I glad my brother paid for my ticket this time…

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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