Azn Badger's Blog

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Dumbass Panda Rip-Off


Wow.

Just, “wow.”

I accidentally wandered down the children’s aisle at my local Best Buy, and THIS, is what caught my eye.

Rip-offs in children’s programming is not at all a new thing, but rarely have I seen it this blatant.

Rambo and the Forces of Freedom, Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos, and GI Joe were all basically the same show, give or take a celebrity voice or 2.

I don't know about you, but Burgess Meredith counts as a celebrity in my book.

I’m sure by now we’ve all heard of the Lion King and the Jungle Tantei/Hamlet controversy.

Okay maybe the whole Hamlet thing isn’t controversial, but that doesn’t change the fact that Kimba got raped by Disney something fierce.

Yikes! That's gonna' spark a lawsuit... Or not.

It’s funny to think that even the vastly inferior tranforming robot show, GoBots; had a rip-off in the form of a little something called Transformers.

One could argue that, due to their rather close debut dates, Transformers wasn’t actually a rip-off, but rather an odd coincidence of timing in capitalizing on the universal (though yet unknown) appreciation of transforming robots.

Piss-poor attempts at defending my childhood heroes aside, the point is, rip-offs aren’t new, but it’s rare that I see one as bold-faced as Chop Kick Panda.

Apparently released only a few months ago, the back of the box revealed to me the wondrous tale of Lu, a fat panda bastard who operates a tae kwon do gym, that unbeknownst to him houses an amulet that a pissed-off tiger wants for some reason.

Basically, all you have to do is replace the italicized words with “Po”, “Kung Fu”, “Scroll” and “Snow Leopard”, and you’ve got the plot to Kung Fu Panda.

Seriously though, tae kwon do?

What the fuck kind of fail-ass Chinese panda teaches tae kwon do in motherfucking China!?

While the existence of this film doesn’t anger me in the slightest, it does surprise me.

In looking up the cover image for this movie, I stumbled across a Cracked article that basically spelled out to me the apparently massive scale of the kid’s movie rip-off market.

As stated earlier, I had no idea this shit had gotten so bold-faced, but more importantly; I had no idea how common it had become.

From what I can tell, kid’s movie rip-offs are basically the equivalent to The Asylum films.

Y'know, the guys who make this shit.

In an age where people are always willing to entertain deals and cheap alternatives, be it in the supermarket or in the theater; I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that film companies would be underhanded enough to ask parents to give in to their inner cheapness and force their kids to settle for less.

By the way, Chop Kick Panda averaged 1 star on Amazon.com.

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Filed under: Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Van Damme Blowout

(Thanks to Twitchfilm.com for all the great news!)

Jesus fuck, Van Damme is a busy guy!

He was recently in Kung Fu Panda 2, The Eagle Path; which he directed, is coming out this October, he’s got another Universal Soldier movie in the works, (supposedly co-starring Dolph Lundgren, Scott Adkins and Michael Jai White) and let’s not forget that he recently starred in perhaps the MANLIEST, and most thought provoking beer commercials of all time:

Aside from all of that however, The Van Daminator also happens to have another movie with Scott Adkins in the works called Assassination Games.

Lame title, but pretty much every other vaguely action-like word has likely already been used in conjunction with the title “Assassination” at this point.

Anyway, as seems to be the case with every Scott Adkins movie, I’m excited, but ultimately know the movie is going to suck.

As talented as the man is at hitting people, his filmography speaks for itself.

And no, The Bourne Ultimatum doesn’t count, as all he did in that was hold a gun and look constipated.

Regardless, I’ll likely pick up a copy of it just to see the (numerous) scenes in which people get kicked in the head.

Trailer and Twitch article here, as well as embedded below:

The other movie that Van Damme’s got on the docket as of now, is a Russian comedy by the name of “Napoleon Kaput,” or at least whatever the Russian equivalent to those 2 words happens to be.

Truth be told, the trailer gives me the impression that The Muscles from Brussels only has a cameo in the movie, but regardless; it looks kind of a fun in a brainless sort of way.

It does put a smile on my face to see IMDB list him as playing “himself” though.

Trailer and Twitch article here, as well as embedded below:

On a side note, am I the only one that got a Napoleonic To Wong Foo vibe from this trailer?

Jus’ sayin’, there seems to be an awful lot of cross-dressing in this movie; though without the Swayze Factor it can’t possibly be half as good.

Anyway, that’s all for tonight!

Jesus fuck Snipes! Did you really have to pick the tightest dress they had!?

Filed under: Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Kung Fu Panda 2 WILL Be Awesome

I liked Kung Fu Panda.

I saw it in theaters with a group of some of my closest friends, and despite my initial feelings of apprehension regarding Jack Black’s presence as leading man in the film; (I like him better in supporting roles.  Too much Black can lead to bad things.  NOT racist…) I found myself laughing aloud in the theater to an extent I’ve rarely experienced.

You see, I’m one of those guy’s that generally doesn’t go to see comedies in the theaters, not just because really good comedies are hard to come by these days; but largely because I feel self-conscious about making noise/disturbing others in theaters.

Call it a quirk… A really stupid and oddly specific quirk.

Anyway, I’ve seen Kung Fu Panda once or twice since I initially saw it the theater, and I’ve gotta’ say; the movie is still pretty damn good.

While Pixar will always put out more technically advanced, prettier, and more thoughtful films, Kung Fu Panda stands as an example of Dreamworks’ more lighthearted and scatologically humored formula adding up to something enjoyable to the masses.

In particular, I found the voice cast; while riddled with needless celebrity cameos, (Jackie Chan had 2 lines, Lucy Liu was there for no other reason than her Chinese heritage, etc.) to be quite exceptional.

Jack Black’s energy and enthusiasm, married with the hilarious animations and facial expressions of Po was a match made in heaven.

... I like the Panda better.

Dustin Hoffman also managed to impress as Shifu, with the timbre of his voicing doing well to add a sense of forcefulness to his voice regardless of the volume in which he spoke.

While I’m on the topic of great voice acting, let me just say:

Ian McShane = PIMP.

... And all the panties in the room suddenly dropped to the floor.

‘Nuff said.

The fight choreography in the film, while of course animated; and thusly free of the inherent limitations of the human body, also managed to impress me.

The movements were artfully strung together, with a pace that reminded me of the old style of Hong Kong choreography I.E. sharp movements, with brief pauses for every strike so as to highlight and make visible, the beauty of each exchange.

In other words, everything was imaginatively choreographed, but conducted in such a way that the viewer could easily see exactly what was going on.

In this age of Greengrass-ian shaky cam techniques, and ultra-fast handed performers; I found Kung Fu Panda’s battles to be a refreshing take of the art of fight choreography.

While I’ve known for awhile now that a Kung Fu Panda sequel was in the works, I found out just today who some of the new characters/voice actors were going to be.

Gary Oldman, James Woods, and Jean-Claude Van FUCKING Damme.

"That's right, ME!"

Oh yeah, Michelle Yeoh’s in there too, but chances are she’ll just be there as a novelty ala Lucy Liu in the previous film, or rather Michelle Yeoh herself in The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.

Pictured: Brendan Fraser about to lay the smack down on Jet Li. I'm not kidding, it actually happens.

I hope she was paid well for that, ’cause her presence in that film certainly didn’t earn her any brownie points in my book.

Moving on, as long as they let James Woods be his same old snarky self, I expect great things for him in Kung Fu Panda 2.

He was great as Hades in Disney’s Hercules, and he seemed to have fun playing himself on The Simpsons and Family Guy, so yeah; I think James Woods was a good choice.

And then there’s Van FUCKING Damme.

No caption necessary.

I’ve never heard The Muscles from Brussels do voice acting before, but chances are he sucks donkey balls at it.

Not that his normal acting was anything to write home about, but give him a break; the man’s entire career was based around him kicking people in the head… and showing off his ass.

And wouldn't you know it, here's him doing both at the same time!

Apparently he’s playing a crocodile in the film, so I don’t expect any jokes to emerge regarding his limberness, nor do I expect any gratuitous shots of his ass; but regardless, it’s Van Damme, he’s in an American film, and you can be damn sure I’ll be there to see it.

Anyway, the previous film was good, Van FUCKING Damme is in the sequel, and thusly Kung Fu Panda 2 WILL be awesome.

Well, maybe not THIS awesome; but close enough...

Filed under: Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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