Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Azn Badger Won A Round Of A Magic Draft Tournament!

Pictured: A year old photo of The Azn Badger. I'm lazy, so sue me...

Well, the inevitable finally happened.

As readers of this blog might recall, I dabbled in Magic the Gathering at one point in my life.

Said point took place well after the Ninja Turtles started to suck, and just before Pokemon and Dragon Ball Z would cause Japanese language class attendances and White guy/Azn girlfriend biracial relationships to spike 10 fold.

Whatever man, you know it’s true.

Anyway, as mentioned in previous articles, the bulk of my Magic card pile (I can’t call something I don’t care about a “collection”…) is made of old crap inherited from my older brother and his friends.

Like me, my brother dabbled in Magic cards, though unlike me, he saw fit to dump his inventory the moment he lost interest.

Me being me, I held onto the shit, not because I wanted it, but mostly because I was too lazy to find a proper way to dispose of it.

That being said, one of my friends recently began prodding at me to bust out my old cards and throw down with him.

Given that I honestly haven’t had much to do outside of look for a job and write this goddamn blog, I decided to accommodate him.

Thus began my weekly habit of sitting down to extraordinarily casual games of Magic with my buddy.

By “extraordinarily casual” I mean I play with my outdated, ghetto-ass cards, and basically served up to my buddy as a thoroughly outclassed sparring partner for his future tournament matches.

If ever there was a jobber of the Magic the Gathering universe, it’d have to be me.

Indeed, I am the Brooklyn Brawler of Magic.

While I lose probably 80% of the time, one thing that I’ve gotten out of the experience, besides y’know, fun, is the fact that playing with weak-ass cards has taught me a lot about polishing diamonds out of shit-bricks.

That is to say, I’ve learned to look for, and find value in cards that aren’t inherently valuable.

With this fact tucked away in my mind, last week I bit my lip and decided to tag along with my buddy, and join a Draft tournament.

In case you don’t know already, a Draft in Magic is essentially what it sounds like.

Basically, you buy some booster packs, you take 1 card of your choosing from each pack, and then swap the remainder of the contents of said pack with the person to your left.

From there, everyone takes 1 card from the pile given to them, and then continues to pass the remainder on.

The process continues until every card has been exhausted.

Given the random nature of booster packs, you can probably see now why I (grudgingly) decided to join in on a Draft.

Truth be told, it wasn’t an easy decision for me, as the Magic community isn’t exactly what I’d call “my crowd,” nor is the game really my favorite thing in the world; but sometimes you’ve gotta’ do stupid shit to have fun with your friends… Even if sometimes I just wanna’ scream at the top of my lungs:

That being said, from what I can tell I actually drafted some pretty good stuff, (it’s an Innistrad draft) including my very first Mythic Rare, and at the end of the day I decided to put together a green and red deck.

I don’t know any of the fancy terminology used to describe strategic stances or functions in Magic, but by my reckoning the deck I made turned out pretty badass!

I don’t know if “badass” is the right word, but for what it’s worth, as you may have gathered from the title of this post, I actually managed to defeat my friend in my first match!

I beat him pretty solid both times I won, however I well and truly fucked up during the second round, resulting in one of the face palm-ier moments in my Magic career.

The point is though, I’m a winner today, and it feels good to know that.

By the way, here’s my deck in case you’re curious about what’s in it:

Mountain x 8

Forest x 9

Ashmouth Hound x 2

Kessig Wolf x 1

Feral Ridgewolf x 1

Hanweir Watchkeep x 1

Stromkirk Noble x 1

Darkthicket Wolf x 1

Orchard Spirit x 1

Villagers of Estwald x 1

Grizzled Outcasts x 1

Woodland Sleuth x 1

Ambush Viper x 1

Essence of the Wild x 1

Curse of the Pierced Heart x 1

Traitorous Blood x 1

Brimstone Volley x 1

Furor of the Bitten x 1

Prey Upon x 1

Ranger’s Guile x 1

Moonmist x 1

Spidery Grasp x 1

Spider Spawning x 1

Blazing Torch x 1

I apologize if the massive block of bold text above went entirely over you’re head.

Please understand, winning is not something I experience with much frequency, so just try and play along for tonight.

Please?

Oh fine, here’s some Batman for your troubles:

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Summon Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s 2×4 Of Freedom!


I’ve always had a soft spot for Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

The man was never the best of wrestlers, nor was he possessed of one of the more memorable personalities in the business; but at the end of the day, it’s hard to deny the fact that the man had a pretty solid gimmick.

At a time when our nation was still wrought with fear over the threat of nuclear war and other such Red Dawn-y scenarios as instigated by the USSR, Jim Duggan was positioned as a blue-collar Captain America of sorts.

I think I just photoshop-ed the most awesome thing ever.

He didn’t have an imposing body-builder’s physique, and he certainly wasn’t handsome, but when he’d march down the ramp waving the stars and stripes with unwavering enthusiasm, the crowd was instantly his.

Though the strength of this gimmick is indeed shaky at best, especially nowadays; it makes me happy to know that, for a time, people were willing to forgo their cynicism and support the big ugly caveman and his flag-waving antics.

While the Captain America gimmick would eventually get snatched away, and improved upon; by Hulk Hogan, Jim Duggan’s other, perhaps more notable gimmick, was his 2×4.

For the life of me, I no idea why a slab of wood was Hacksaw’s weapon/gimmick of choice, but to his credit, it fuckin’ worked.

Seriously man, despite having virtually no interest in him other than his propensity for running around yelling “HOOOOOOOOO!!!” at the top of his lungs, in my youth that goddamn 2×4 proved to be more than enough to make me like the guy.

Hell, somewhere in my basement I still have my brother’s old Jim Duggan action figure, complete with miniature 2×4.

Yep, that's the one.

Anyway, no article about Jim Duggan is complete without mention of his EPIC theme music, so I figure I’ll just embed it below and let it do the talking for me:

 

 

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Master Lock Challenge

Back in 2005, my buddy Mencius and I happened upon a goofy ass storyline in the WWF regarding a wrestler by the name of “The Masterpiece” Chris Masters, and his so-called “Master Lock Challenge.”

Said challenge involved various wrestling personalities attempts to break out of Master’s submission finisher, The Master Lock.

 

So... He hits them with a STEEL bike lock?

Everyone from the top tier of the WWF roster, to Jerry “The King” Lawler himself; participated in The Master Lock challenge at some point, and for awhile it seemed like the behind the scenes writer’s had gone all-in on using The Master Lock challenge as a means of hyping Chris Masters.

“Seemed” my ass.  This really was the best they could do with a boring no-talent like Chris Masters…

Other than being unnaturally muscular, (as evidenced by his recent “deflation”) the man never really had much personality, mic skills, or even wrestling ability.

Fortunately, he was always quite competent at shoving his cock in people's faces.

Sadly, this seems to be the case with all wrestlers in the post-Attitude Era

Bitching aside, the reason I bring up The Master Lock Challenge, is because, honestly; I found it to be utterly hilarious.

The spectacle or dumbfuck-ery that was The Master Lock challenge consisted of the following:

A steel chair (chairs are always made of steel in wrestling, even when they’re made of wood) is placed in the center of the ring, and the participant in the challenge is instructed to sit in it.

From that point, Chris Masters literally creeps up behind them, and after a great number of false starts and feigned drama; hooks his arms under the challengers armpits, clasps his hands together, yanks them out of the chair, and puts them in a full nelson.

That’s right boys and girls, Chris Master’s inescapable, infallible, match-ending submission technique, was little more than your garden variety full nelson:

Once the full nelson, excuse me; “Master Lock,” is locked in, the challenger then proceeds to thrash around and butt bop Masters against the ring posts until they ultimately succumb to the overwhelming epic awesomeness of The Master Lock.

The Master Lock Challenge carried Masters to (unwarranted) main event status in the WWF, and continued to be a major selling point for his character for several years.

Truth be told, my mock fascination with The Master Lock Challenge fizzled out after only a few weeks.

I suppose it’s worth mentioning that my very genuine interest in pro wrestling went in the shitter around the time The Rock became forever more known solely as “Dwayne.”

"Hey it's The Rock! No wait... Nevermind, it's just Dwayne..."

To my knowledge, The Master Lock Challenge was broken at some point, by the equally talentless and prohibitively swollen Bobby Lashley.

I swear man, wrestlers these days have to take it easy on the body building and GO TO FUCKING SCHOOL.

FUCKING. SCHOOL.

I don’t care how “ripped” you are, or how “awesome” your image is, learn to fuckin’ wrestle, or get the fuck out.

*Sigh* You have no idea how much I want to like wrestling, only to be reminded every time I flip it on to to see what’s up; just how far it’s fallen…

Anyway, I’d like to take this opportunity to mention that these stupid-ass Magic cards I’ve been pumping out over the past several days, are likely going to be a regular element of the blog from now on.

I know a lot of you probably don’t “get” the joke of most of them, but that’s your problem, not mine.

I’ve been straining to find material to write about as of late, and I think “art-ing” on photoshop every now and again has been good for me.

Art has always been kind of therapeutic for me, so expect to see lots of stupid Magic cards whenever I find I have nothing to write.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Summon Tactical Panda!!!

This, my friends; is what happens when I have absolutely nothing to write about.

No videogame news, no boxing news, no movie news, no silly articles, nada.

Oh well, instead you get treated to shitty photoshop art of Tactical Pandas.

Enjoy!

 

Filed under: Boxing, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Snow Bros: The Best Game Ever

Snow Bros. was my favorite videogame as a kid.

Every week or so, my mom would take my brother out to rent an NES game from a little mom and pop rental store near our local grocery, Art’s Grocery.

Rentals at this store were one day only, so you had to be sure you would enjoy whatever it was you rented.

Well, you can bet I was satisfied by my selection every time, ’cause I must’ve rented Snow Bros. like 50 times.

Snow Bros. was a simple yet enjoyable game that shared more than a few simalarities with Bubble Bobble.

I know Bubble Bobble is way older, but c'mon, Snow Bros. kicks it's ass.

The story goes like this:

Nick and Tom are two dudes that are trying to put the moves on these twin princesses, then some evil sorceror shows up and jacks their bitches, but not before turning good ‘ole Nick and Tom into snowmen.

Apparently turning dudes into snowmen is supposed to diminish their ability to rescue princesses.

Fortunately, that logic is bullshit, and our evil sorceror ends up seriously dropping the ball, ’cause snowmen or not; Nick and Tom are BAD DUDES, and they have what it takes to save the president.

If you never got to see this screen, then you aren't truly a BAD DUDE.

The basic gameplay of Snow Bros. has the two players, cast as Nick and Tom; being dropped into a series of single-screen arenas populated with monsters that they have to defeat in order to advance.

Sounds like pretty standard arcade game fare, doesn’t it?

That’s because it is, smart ass.

The fun part of Snow Bros., was in specifically “how” the player went about defeating monsters.

Although nobody kills monsters like Rick from Splatterhouse. NOBODY.

The Snow Bros. of the games’ title each possess the ability to throw snowballs, manufactured from their own bodies no less; that they can use to pile up on their enemies, thusly encasing them in giant, roll-able snowballs.

Good God this movie was terrifying...

Being as most of the stages are set up as a series of cascading platforms, it only makes sense that the Snow Bros. method of killing monsters consists of taking said roll-able snowballs, and sending them careening into other monsters.

Upon steamrolling monsters with a snowball, the resulting pile of monster corpses transform into food products (snowmen are gluttons) or colored medicine bottles, each of which provide the players with a number of different power-ups.

One caused the snowmen’s feet to develop restless leg syndrome.

I believe the medical term is "The Jimmy legs."

One made the snowmen’s balls bigger.

Right Guy: "I WIN."

One made the snowmen’s balls shoot farther.

Yikes, better get that thing checked out, man. Oh wait, you found a little boy to take care of that for you.

And my personal favorite, the ultra-rare teal medicine, made the snowmen’s head inflate like a balloon, causing anything they touch to die instantly.

"ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE THE GREAT AND MIGHTY PENIS OF INSTANT DEATH!"

Snow Bros. was a wonderful game, that while a little too easy, and definitely repetitive, was easily my favorite videogame as a child.

My brother used to make fun of the title screen, calling Nick and Tom “fatties,” and of course pointing out that I was the fat and dumb snowman.

Mental giants they are not.

Which one he was referring to, I will never know, but I think it’s pretty safe to assume that it was the red one, seeing as my brother was ALWAYS player one.

The whole game could be beaten inside of a half hour, and though I beat the game numerous times with and without my brother, for some reason I spent most of my life thinking I never really beat the game.

Omega Tom Hanks: UN-FUCKING-BEATABLE.

You see, the final boss of Snow Bros. isn’t the evil sorceror whose portrait is featured in so many of the between level cut scenes, but rather a pair of statues that have zero personality, and are not so much as mentioned in the game’s (limited) narrative.

How the fuck do you go from this, to THIS!?

As a kid, I was so underwhelmed by the final battle in Snow Bros. that I outright denied it’s status as such.

It wasn’t until I replayed the game years later that I finally admitted myself that I had thoroughly beat Snow Bros.’ ass.

“Holy shit, that’s really the end?” I said to myself.

I found myself saying the same thing about 3-4 times during this movie. Was none too happy about it.

Other than the bullshit final battle, Snow Bros. was great.

I loved the little things, like how the snowmen would “Superman” their way out of each stage, and how an evil pumpkin headed ghost would drop down from the heavens and kill you if you played too slow.

This punk scared the piss outta' me.

I loved the enemy designs, especially the fuzzy purple dudes that did pirouettes until they turned into heat-seeking tornadoes of rape-age.

No comment.

Some of the bosses were pretty memorable too, with one of my favorites being the twin naked chickens that you fight in the freezer.

Thought I was kiddin', didn'cha?

The music was also spot-on, with a stage 1 theme that I catch myself humming to this day.

It’s kind of funny actually, my mom still remembers the stage 1 theme of Snow Bros., in fact she still teases me about it whenever she overhears me talking about videogames.

She always reminds me of the days when I would wake her and my dad up at obscene hours of the morning, humming along with my Snow Bros.

Pretty sure we had one of these posted in front of my house.

I am well aware that Snow Bros. is a Capcom port derived from a Toaplan series of arcade games.

You can thank Toaplan for giving you this, you fucking dork.

I’ve pumped quarters into both arcade machines because of my fondness of the NES version, however I found both to be graphically superior, but otherwise quarter-munching games that lack the charm and nostalgia factor of the console version.

Also, the music quality was tinny and crappy.

While the second game gets points for it’s expanded cast, and overt Japanese-ness, for my money the NES version is the best of the bunch.

Snow Bros 2 with New Elves: The Creepiest Fucking Player Select Screen EVER.

Anyway, I’ve always felt that Snow Bros. was lacking in terms of fan support, so I figured I would take the time to write a little something showing my appreciation for it.

God bless you Snow Bros., I still can’t believe I never owned you.

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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