Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Another Week Down, Another Farley Clip For The Masses

*Sigh* Another week at Amazon complete, and once again we celebrate with another clip of the funniest fat man of our time, Chris Farley.

This time around, we’re pulling a clip from one of Farley’s last, and sadly; least memorable films: Almost Heroes.

Despite being an overall shitty film, complete with a decidedly unfunny Matthew Perry (on the drugs, as evidenced by his slim frame at the time), Farley managed to salvage it for the most part with a handful of classic moments.

I don’t think any of us could help but laugh at Farley’s battle(s) with the eagle puppet.

We’ll save that clip for another time though…

Anyway, here’s one of my favorite of said classic moments:

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Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Celebratory Farley Clip

Pictured: A comic genius.

Today was supposed to be the busiest day of the year at the Amazon.com warehouse.

I can attest the truth in this statement, as I was placed in freezer detail not once, but twice today.

Needless to say, at the moment I am tired, beat up, and intensely bitter.

Hopefully I can muster the energy required to do all of my Christmas shopping tomorrow…

Regardless, in celebration of my day off tomorrow, here is a clip of another one of my favorite Chris Farley skits:

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Tommy Boy Makes The Pain Go Away…

Thank you Farley, for putting a smile on my face today. Really needed it...

I’d like to think of myself as a fairly resolute person.

I approach things with a “get it done” attitude, and rarely find myself deterred by whatever obstacles lie in my path.

Hell, I’ve been writing this blog every day for the past 200+ days, so I’d say I’m a pretty steadfast individual.

That being said, I think working at the Amazon.com warehouse has finally broken my “get it done” attitude, and taken a chunk of my soul along with it.

As well as the feeling in both of my big toes, which mysteriously have decided to stop, well, feeling much of anything these days.

Working 60 hour weeks in a highly repetitious, and fairly physical job is something I would not advise to anyone, even the horribly destitute.

At best it’s boring and tiring.

At worst, it’s boring, tiring, cold to the point of being physically painful, and packed to the brim with corporate red-tape that usually ends up requiring you to slow down while every manager around you is yelling at you to speed up.

I know it sounds like I’m just whining right now, which is pretty much true; but I really don’t like the self that I’m bringing home from work every evening.

10 hours of work, followed by an hour and a half in traffic leave me pretty much a husk of a person, running off fumes of intense anger and fatigue.

Seriously, ever since I started working at Amazon, particularly now during the peak season; I find myself to be pissed off, tired, or a combination of both at all times, even on my so called “weekends.”

A “weekend” is not one day at the end of the work week.

That’s just an annoying pause between work days that tricks your body into going into rest mode, effectively turning you to Jell-O for the following work day.

Oh yeah, and psychologically you can’t enjoy that “weekend” because of the mental prep and early bedtime necessitated by said impending work day.

See what I mean about the anger?

Anyway, I’ve always maintained that this blog was never meant to be a journal, nor an emo pity-party posting bulletin board; so I think for both our sakes I’ll stop now.

To lift the spirits of myself and everyone who just read this unfortunate post, here’s a clip of perhaps my favorite scene in the classic of Farley cinema, Tommy Boy:

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Work Makes Me Hate The World

This week was my first 60 hour work week at Amazon.

By the end, I was finding aches in parts of my body that no 23 year old man should have aches in.

Young men such as myself should never have to worry about pain in their knees and lower back, but as I sit typing this post; I hurt pretty much all over.

Not only that, I’m finding that working for so many days consecutively leaves me feeling bitter to the point in which I think it would be best if I just stayed away from people for the next 24 hours.

We’ll call it a “cooling off” period.

Speaking of “cool,” I was in the freezer, that is; the massive, -2o degree industrial freezer, every day this week, so rest assured I’m very much full of Hulk rage at the moment.

And I don’t mean gray Hulk rage either, I’m talkin’ full on, green and mean Hulk rage…

 

Haha, Hulk speak is funny...

That being said, I’ll sum up by saying I hope no of you had to work like I did these past 6 days, and if you did; you have my deepest sympathies.

Here’s to the next 3 days of freedom.

By the way, if you happen to bump into me on the street tomorrow, don’t say “hi,” otherwise I’ll probably let out a Howard Dean-esque battle cry and tear your scalp off and feed it to you.

Seriously:  Don’t poke the badger when he’s in “hate the world” mode…

Filed under: Comics, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Way To Keep Sane At Work #47: Squeezing Random Squeezeables

Today was a really slow day at work.

When things get slow at Amazon, I find that I have more than a few options in terms of how I can prevent the onset of tedium induced insanity.

First on the list, is to talk to myself; sometimes using goofy voices just for the hell of it.

Though that’s usually my go-to method of keeping myself sane at work, the possibilities for potentially embarrassing encounters with co-workers is honestly just a little bit too high to be practical.

Seriously, no one wants to get caught playing out a conversation between Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior all by their lonesome, that’s just plain embarrassing.

Trust me, the last time it happened to me, I got some truly fucked up sideways glances for it…

*Ahem!* Anyway, my second favorite method of keeping sane at work, is to sing to myself.

Let it be known, the Azn Badger is not someone known for his singing ability.

My choice of songs?

Well, though I’ve been partial to the Tiger Mask and Kikaida theme songs, lately I’ve been singing I’ll Make A Man Out Of You and Gaston from Mulan and Beauty and the Beast respectively.

How the fuck I’ve managed to remember the lyrics to those songs after all these years is beyond me.

Maybe it has something to do with Gaston being the pimpest and most manly song in all of existence…

Anyway, though those are my 2 most commonly practiced methods of retaining my sanity at work, as the title of this article indicates; there is another method I’d like to bring up.

Said method would be squeezing the various squeezable products in the warehouse.

Pretty fuckin’ random, right?

You see, all my life I’ve had this problem with always having to grip things in my hands.

I pick something up, or something is given to me, and for whatever reason; I have difficulty putting it down.

Needless to say, I’m one of those guys that routinely carries too much shit at once, only to end up dropping it all.

It’s a weird quirk, almost Bob Dole-like in it’s grip related tenacity.

We all remember HIM, right?

Although ‘ole Bob did have the advantage of being able to wave his behavior off as a result of war injuries.

Unlike me.  I’m just weird is all.

*Ahem!* Getting to the point, when you’re really fuckin’ bored, you’ll find that doing truly retarded shit like squeezing wedges of brie can make all the difference in relieving your boredom.

Don’t ask me why, but the inherent squishiness of brie makes it just perfect for drive-by squeezings…

Now if only I could eat this without getting the shits for a week...

While squeezing the brie is easily my favorite squeeze related activity at work, there’s a few other items in the warehouse that deserve special mention.

Chief among these is a truly bizarre, and downright creepy looking plush toy called a Sing-A-Ma-Jig.

KILL IT WITH FIRE.

I don’t know if it was the designers intention, but I feel it’s worth mentioning that the Sing-A-Ma-Jig’s mouth honestly looks like the orifice of a sea anemone.

Either that or it looks like an anus.

Check that, it definitely looks like an anus.

And this is considered kid friendly in this day and age?

Anyway, the real fun of squeezing this goofy looking toy, comes from the fact that doing so causes it’s anus mouth to simulate a singing motion, while a single musical note plays through a device inside it for the entire duration of said squeeze.

Repeated squeezing of the Sing-A-Ma-Jig results in a new sound of a different tonality, resulting in much hilarity when the Sing-A-Ma-Jig is squeezed rapidly.

Yes, I am in fact annoying as fuck to work with.

The other squeezeable I’d like to mention, is the Alligator Squeak Mat.

Not recommended for parents with a low tolerance for noise related annoyances...

This guy got me through some rough days, no foolin’.

Here’s an indication of how much squeeze related fun one can have at work with an Alligator Squeak Mat:

Imagine the joy of your basic squeak toy and the amount of annoying ass squeaking that can be accomplished with said toy.

Now take those 2 factors, and multiply them by 20.

Oh yeah, and factor in the fact that said squeak toy just happens to be an alligator AKA an amazingly awesome animal.

20 SQUEAKERS.

Seriously man, some may think that’s a few squeakers too many for a child’s squeak toy, but me; personally I think it’s genius.

That’s 20 different squeaky noises that one can generate, if you’re like me and like to be an ass, you squeeze ’em all at once to make one massive uber squeak.

Did I mention I can be annoying when I’m bored at work?

Anyway, I honestly had nothing to write about tonight, so I decided I would do just that.

For 800 words or so…

Filed under: Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How The Azn Badger Stays Sane At Work…

The Azn Badger works in a warehouse.

Specifically the Amazon.com warehouse in Bellevue, Washington.

Over the course of 10 hours each day, tedium is the name of the game, and as such; it’s really easy to go a little nuts from time to time.

Trust me, I’ve seen some people lose their shit, as well as their jobs due to lack of motivation and occasional violent bouts of insanity.

That being said, myself and some of the other workers have, over the course of the past several months, come up with a few interesting games and activities to keep our minds sharp and occupied while our bodies toil in the boring and repetitive world of warehouse work.

Here are just a few examples of said activities:

1. Practice a funny voice or accent.

Okay, admittedly this one isn’t really practiced by anyone other than myself, but even so; it’s helped me get through some of the tougher morning scenarios.

I say “morning,” because I’m generally more “loopy” in the early hours, and thusly more apt to talk to myself.

“More” being the operative word in that sentence, being as I tend to talk to myself a lot regardless…

Anyway, over the past few months I’ve been playing around with Scottish and Australian accents.

I honestly can’t really do either of them very well, but after many days of thinking on and dissecting the diction and quirks behind the 2 accents, I can honestly say I feel I “know” them a lot better than I ever thought I would.

For the record, the only 2 phrases I can say with a legit Scottish accent are:

“Made in Scotland by real Scots.”

and

“You should try it!  It’s delicious!”

The reasoning behind those choice of phrases came from the tag line on some Scottish cereal I found in the warehouse.

Don’t ask…

2.  Exchange movie quotes/Arnold Schwarzenneger quotes.

This one takes a buddy, and an intimate knowledge of movies, but trust me; it’s a blast if you find a partner that can keep up.

So far the most quoted films are Jurassic Park, and any Arnold Schwarzenneger movie EVER.

Seeing as most men know at least some of Arnold’s movies, and can at least partially imitate his voice to humorous effect; I’d say the average person is most likely to enjoy that version of the game moreso than the other.

Even so, don’t underestimate the entertainment value that can be extracted from exchanging Robert Muldoon quotes.

“They should all be destroyed!”

Your turn!

3. “The Pop-Culture Icon” Game.

“The Pop-Culture Icon” game is probably the cream of the crop of boredom relieving games at Amazon.

Well, at least for me anyway.

Before I get ahead of myself, let me go over the rules for the most basic version of the game:

You begin with 2 players.

At the outset of the game, the player that suggested the playing of the game cites the name of a popular fictional character.

From that point on, the object of the game is for both players to cite the names of any popular fictional characters and the name of the source material they originate from in a back and forth manner, with the last letter in each character’s name being the letter that must begin the next consecutive character’s name.

In example:

Player 1 begins the game by stating: “Optimus Prime, Transformers.”

Player 2 would then respond by stating: “The Eradicator, Superman comics,” or any other character whose name begins with “E.”

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Should either player have the desire to stump their “opponent” and “win” the game in doing so, strategy can arise in the form of choosing character names with difficult or rare last letters.

Fox, from Starfox, has proven to be quite popular in the warehouse, as “X” is definitely on of the harder letters to work from, and let’s face it; Fox is pretty fuckin’ easy to remember to use.

While those are the rules of the most basic version of the game, several variations of it have popped up in the warehouse; including movie-centric, comic book-centric, and videogame-centric versions.

Also, bear in mind that the rules can be modified in-game at any point in time.

For instance, today myself and the person I was playing “against” (it’s not a game you play to win, only to have fun and keep busy) were forced to consider ruling out the inclusion of Pokemon and Mega Man characters, as we came to realize that, between the 2 of us we probably could’ve gotten stuck just naming characters from those 2 franchises.

A few other rules that I felt should’ve been instigated are as follows:

Character names should always begin with the first name, and should always include the last name (and it’s last letter) if the player knows it.

Characters should only be used once, regardless of how many aliases they have.

Names of races or species, regardless of whether they are fictional or not; should not count.

Duplicate character names can be reused if the player is able to cite the name of alternate source material.

In case you didn’t notice, I really like this game.

Hell, I played the game for close to 7 hours today.

3 hours consecutively, and sporadically over the next 4.

My “opponent” and I were separated for most of the day, but every time we would pass each other in the warehouse, we’d pause a second to keep the game going.

While I don’t usually feel the need to toot my own horn, I feel it should be said that the Azn Badger is pretty fuckin’ savage at this game.

Seriously man, today I was playing “against” the originator of the game, and I had his ass on the ropes so bad, you don’t even know man…

He was so desperate towards the end that he was dropping bullshit like “T-Rex” just to stay afloat.

Not only that, he went so far as to use “Xavier,” as in “Professor Charles Xavier,” for an “X.”

I don’t care how bad you’re hurtin’, don’t you ever forget Professor X’s first name…

Anyway, I had a lot of fun with this game today, here’s hoping somebody reading this goes out and gives it a try!

 

 

 

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How To Incite the Wrath of a “Professional Box Maker”

Yup, there's me, at work...

I work at Amazon.com as warehouse contractor.

It’s what I did 2 years ago, before my brief stint as an assistant graphic designer/chaffeur; and it’s what I will continue to do until I can find something better/grow some talent.

No, not that kind of "talent."

Anyway, my days at the warehouse are mainly spent packing and shipping parcels, though on occasion I am forced to venture into the refrigerated, vile pile of ass-ness that is Sea-8: Amazon Fresh AKA the grocery.

I don’t like working the grocery.

Putting me in the grocery is like putting a nudie magazine in front of me when I’m really depressed and have  2 broken arms.

You can bet I’ll try my best with what little I have at my disposal, but my heart won’t be in it; and because of that, the job just won’t get done…

Bizarre metaphor aside, I consider myself a “Profession Box Maker” at Amazon.com, and to be honest, that doesn’t bother me.

I don’t necessarily take pride in what I do, but I work hard and make a living.

*ANYWAY,*after completing a 41 hour work week (I stayed late…), I made the foolish decision to do 10 more hours of overtime tomorrow, leaving me with nothing in my head to write about other than, well, work.

Pictured: The Kind of Shit That Occupies My Thought Process at Work.

So, after a long-ass day at work, I figured I’d compile a short list of the ways PEOPLE PISS ME OFF when ordering things from Amazon.com that I have to pack.

#1:  Purchasing 2 Books in the Same Order That Are of Different Heights and Widths

This one is kind of complicated.

You see, there are these boxes we use at Amazon called “V4’s.”

V4’s are those foldy-flappy boxes that you get with hardcover books, or larger, comic-sized books.

While packing more than 1 book into a V4 is not all uncommon, and is in fact a welcome task, being as it’s faster and easier to assemble than a standard box, packing 2 items of significantly different proportions, is a different story.

More specifically, instances where one of the 2 items is shorter, yet, wider than the other, are fuckin’ bullshit.

Seriously, short of bending the ever-loving shit out of the wider item, there’s just no good way to pack that kind of order into a V4.

#2: Buying ANYTHING With a Satin Finish

FUCK SATIN.

FUCK IT HARD.

Seriously man, I love satin-finishes on business cards, and they certainly make for handsome covers to books, but when it comes to packing that shit, it just doesn’t fuckin’ work.

You know what happens when you put something with a satin-finish into a V4?

The ultra-smooth surface of the material causes it to slip around in there, thereby destabilizing your previously PERFECT pack job, resulting in a worthless-ass package that gets kicked back to you by the shipper, who; by the way, sees fit to shoot you a nasty stink-eye every time you fuck up!

*Sigh*…

Satin is evil.

FUCK SATIN.

#3: Order 45 of ANYTHING At the Same Time

45 Amazon Kindle E-Readers.

No really, 45 Kindles.

What's the big fuckin' deal?

In 1 box, mind you.

Why the fuck would you need 45 Kindles anyway?

Fuckin’ people, too lazy to buy real fuckin’ books…

#4: Order HD DVD’s

Okay, this one doesn’t so much PISS ME OFF, as it does make me laugh in a confused sort of way.

We all know Toshiba’s HD DVD got killed by Sony’s Blu-Ray several years ago, right?

Of course, we all know that this kind of shitty box art was largely responsible for the death of the format...

Well, apparently not all of us know this, as every now and I again I’m asked to pack and ship those familiar red-cased HD DVD’s to losers that are too dumb to admit that they backed the wrong horse.

Regardless, I’ve got no qualm with said losers, as HD DVD’s are usually a breeze to pack.

Unless said loser decides to buy a giant-ass book in the same order.

Then we’ve got issues.

Then, somebody’s gonna’ get cut.

Oh wait, they only give us fish-shaped “safety knives” at the warehouse.

Pictured: The Azn Badger's Weapon of Choice.

Regardless, somebody’s gonna’ get bludgeoned with a plastic tool in such a manner as to eventually ’cause skin irritation and/or drawing of blood…

#5: Order A “Ready-To-Ship” Item from Amazon

I know what you’re thinking:

“Ready-To-Ship?  Shouldn’t that mean the item is already packed and is ready to go?”

Well, yes, it does in fact mean that the item arrived at the warehouse pre-packaged in an official Amazon.com box.

Despite this, for whatever reason, we packers are required to pack said pre-boxed item, into another box.

No joke, it’s like one of those Russian matryoshka dolls-within-dolls-within-dolls, etc…

Haha, it's funny 'cause there're lots of them and they're inside each other...

Now, while that probably seems mildly inconvenient, being as it forces me to pack something that, at first glance, seem like something not needing to be packed at all, this task is in fact extremely inconvenient being as said pre-packed boxes often “confuse” the shipping computer.

Pictured: Why we don't "confuse" Skynet, I mean, the computer...

Here’s the run-down:

Amazon.com uses a computer driven sorting system that catalogs all of the items and parcels within the warehouse.

On the Sea-6 side, the dot-com side that I work on, every order has box type associated with it ahead of time based on the contents of said order so as to inform the packers of what box type is required for each order.

When I say an item or order “confuses” the shipping computer, basically I mean that the computer recommends the wrong box type.

This generally happens because an item was cataloged incorrectly, however; in the case of “ready-to-ship” items, the cause is actually the fact that pre-packed box has, in the view of the computer, skewed the proportions of the item, thereby resulting in a box recommendation that is often a few sizes too small.

You really wanna’ know how to piss of a Professional Box Maker?

Ask him to make a box, and then tell him he did it for no other reason than to waste his motherfuckin’ time.

THAT pisses me off.

Anyway, that’s my rant.

Sorry for the uncharacteristically personal/whiny post, I swear I’ll get back to normal once I, you know, get a motherfuckin’ day off.

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The End of an Era (Maybe)

As of this coming Friday, The Azn Badger is once again an employed member of the work force.

That’s right folks, The Azn Badger is no longer a bum!

While that’s one huge burden off my shoulders, it also presents me with another dilemma; namely what to do with this blog.

At this point I’m still telling myself:

“Yeah! Gut it out! Keep the post-a-day streak alive!’

However, deep down, I know that that might be too much to ask of myself once I’m back on my full-time work schedule.

Part of my mission statement upon starting this blog was that I would write a post everyday until I found a job.

Now that I’m free of the commitment I issued myself in my mission statement, I just don’t know if I’ll be able to invest the same amount of time on this blog as I have in the past 97 days.

The blog will continue, but at what capacity; I just can’t say as of now.

Today I have no bold declarations to make, nor any revisions to tag onto my mission statement.

Today I am simply happy, and fortunate to have a job.

Thanks for reading, check back often!

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