Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Apricots: The Forgotten Inflamer Of Rectums

How appropriate that it looks like a butt.

Not long ago, I put together a short list of foods that are known to upset my stomach.

Well, actually I believe I referred to the food list as being composed of items that “totally wreck your shit;” but that’s besides the point.

The point is, that list was only a small sampling of the many food products out there (mainly dried fruits and dairy products) that, while delicious; have severely debilitating repercussions for those that choose to consume them.

That being said, as I went over that list in my head today, I came to realize that I accidentally left out one particular food item that no bowel-wrecking food list should be without.

Said food item, is the apricot.

Unassuming and mild in appearance and taste, the apricot is, like the corn snake of the animal kingdom, one of nature’s cruel jokes.

Like the highly venomous corn snake, which bears a resemblance to the non-venomous king snake, (Zoobooks, God love ’em) the apricot has an appearance akin to several varieties of peaches.

Nevermind that apricots taste like squirrel anus in comparison to peaches…

Despite this, the brightly colored, supple fuzzy skinned apricot was seemingly engineered in such a way as to lure foolish creatures into eating it.

In that sense, it’s truly an evil fruit.

I ask you, how else could you describe a fruit that looks like the fuckin’ juiciest peach you’ve ever seen, tastes like grapefruit smeared with dirt and sea monkeys, and then yanks your colon out your ass an hour later?

That’s the thing that really gets me about apricots, how fucking calculated it’s attack on your anus seems to be.

I mentioned that apricots taste mild.

On my list from awhile back, I put mango and papaya on there, as I have a great deal of experience in battling those beasts on the porcelain throne.

Seriously, me and those 2, we fight it out all the fuckin’ time, ‘cept now that I’ve seen all their best moves, they ain’t got nothin’ on me.

The point, mango and papaya are extremely flavorful, and borderline syrupy fruits.

Their rich to the point in which you tell yourself at some point while eating them:

“Well, I’ve been eating mango now for 20 minutes straight.  I should probably pack it in, otherwise I’ll get the shits.”

That thought never enters your mind when you’re eating apricots on account of them tasting so fuckin’ plain.

It’s one of those fruits that no one really goes out of their way to get a hold of.

You just kind of eat ’cause, well; it’s there and you have nothing better to do.

In case you haven’t realized this already, a word to the wise:

DON’T EAT TOO MANY APRICOTS.

You know what happens when you eat too many fuckin’ apricots?

Your anus goes supernova, that’s what.

You think you’ve had explosive diarrhea?

No, I’m afraid you have not sir and/or madam.

You think you’ve had horrible fuckin’ gas that feels like your passing a banana slug every time your ass unclenches to let out a fart?

No, I’m afraid you have not sir and/or madam, not until you’ve OD’ed on apricots.

While it’s far from one of the worst aspects of apricot induced anal napalming, (we’ll get to that) it should be mentioned that there is a truly devious time-delay to the intestinal effects of the malevolent fruit of the Turks.

For a good solid hour or so, you’re fine.

You go about you day, thinking everything’s fine, and then out of nowhere, you feel a tremor in the force.

It starts small, like the water glass ripples in Jurassic Park.

You feel a slight tingle in your belly, like tiny feathers are tickling your insides.

Your eye twitches involuntarily.

And then it happens.

Your stomach gurgles and let’s out bestial roar that would send the mightiest of beasts running for the hills.

“UUUUWWWWWAAAAAOOOHHHHH!!!!!!”

With that, the race to find a porcelain venue to extricate and extinguish the raging fury of the mighty bowel beast is on.

At this point there is precious little time, possibly less than 5 minutes before either your entire body tears itself in half in a desperate bid to pass an ungodly mass of shit in one go, or you start puking up orange feces.

In other words:

You have 5 minutes to find a toilet, or risk a messy and horribly violent death at the hands of Turkish fruit.

In public no less.

Assuming you find your way to a toilet/honey bucket/spot in the bushes, congratulations; you now get the pleasure of enduring one of the most savage tests of rectal fortitude known to man.

The moment you get your pants down, pray to God you’re wearing a helmet, ’cause the explosive force of your anus expelling untold volumes of apricot juice is going to put you in orbit, or failing that; head first into whatever roof lie above you

Seriously, you better make sure to be holding on tight to the toilet too, ’cause in about 1 second flat, you’re gonna’ be floating 20 feet above it spewing a hateful waterfall of orange fecal matter onto the floor, the walls, all over yourself and most of the nearby countryside.

I cannot stress enough, just how utterly morbid the process of apricot induced anal evacuation can be.

The immense pressure generated by the expulsion process is enough to cripple a man for life.

I’ve cracked my back ass-vomiting apricots.

I’ve popped my ears anally aborting a gelatinous apricot baby once or twice.

I’ve been told that, in particularly severe instances; men have felt as if their eyes, tongue and teeth were going to be sucked from inside their skulls and coughed up into the shiny white bowl along with the gallons of apricot jizz and the rest of their internal organs.

That being said, this post should be considered less an addition to my intentionally humorous list of foods that will wreck your shit, and more like that of a PSA.

Seriously, don’t fuck with apricots.

They will fuck with you right back, and trust me; you don’t want that…

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60 Responses

  1. jcvd says:

    Aplets and Cotlets? Fuckin’ Aplets and Cotlets…

  2. Troublemaker says:

    Actually, corn snakes are not venomous at all. Perhaps you mean CORAL snake? Coral snakes and scarlet king snakes look very similar to each other.

  3. Joey says:

    Grapefruit smeared with dirt?? You, sir, have had some really bad apricots then. I really feel bad for you, that you have not had any really good apricots. Just this minute, I finished eating a handful of them, and they were so very sweet and juicy. And yes, they were apricots, not any other type of fruit that looks like one.

    Of course, I also ate a handful of them yesterday, and had major shits last night, so you may very well be right about that part. I’ll find out tonight, I guess!

  4. Sunny says:

    Hahaha, ironically I had a most horrible experience this afternoon, and precisely because of that fact, I laughed endlessly at this post. You sir and/or madam, are a riot.
    P.S. You are an excellent writer! You described it so vividly and accurately, props to you!

  5. pablo says:

    i read this after eating 4 of them…….

  6. Tom Fotis says:

    My mom’s been bugging me to watch Dr. Oz because she knows she’s going to outlive me. So I put it on one day, and Oz says that you need magnesium so you don’t get sluggish and apricots are a great way to get it. So went to store picked up a 12oz. container of dried apricots and went to watch the football game at a friend’s house. No one wanted any so before I knew it, I consumed the ENTIRE box along with sausage, chips & dip and 3 beers! Like you described in your brilliant blog, I was fine until on the way home it hit like a kamikaze pilot. Almost pulled over 3 times, but made it home. Holy crap (pun intended), I almost shot through the ceiling, but was ultimately relieved to get on the can. Got up to wash hands and had to immediately sit down on the throne again. Next, made it to the couch and had to sprint back again for another round of disgust. Did this for about 2hrs (and 11 times-wish I was kidding). Couldn’t even make it upstairs for the Immodium simpy because there just wasn’t enough time to climb the stairs and chance it. I seriously thought something was severely wrong and almost called 911, but happened to Google “ate too many apricots” (from the can on my cell) and your article popped up first. Regardless of the pain, suffering and fear that had come over me I read your entire article and simply burst out laughing with a little relief knowing that I wasn’t really dying and it was just the result from this evil, unsuspecting demon. My wife made me sleep on the couch as I was literally farting every 30 seconds once I was finally “done” with the throne. I’m writing to Dr. Oz to tell him he should really warn people of the consequences of his suggestions. I’ve emailed your article to absolutely everyone I know along with my story. If we can spare even one more person from this experience it will be well worth it. Thanks again for the humorous and perfectly detailed story. Truly classic.

    • eyecongraffix says:

      So I called myself avoiding that whole Listeria/peaches thing and grabbed some apricots from Wholefoods. A big carton too. Before you know it, I’d eaten about 1/3 of the container. Figured it was healthier than chips, right. Jesus, help me. I’m literally sitting here in the bathroom while my insides fued their way out for the 13th time in the past hour. All this in the middle of a tornado storm. I can’t make this up. I Googled “apricots diarrhea” and this came up first. The laughter might make it even worse because genuine laughter seems to come from your stomach. It’s gonna be a really long night.

  7. ebohlman says:

    It’s worth pointing out that the only difference between a dried apricot and a fresh whole apricot is that the latter contains more water. It’s really easy to OD on dried apricots because eating, say, 5 of them doesn’t feel like eating all that much, but it’s the same as eating 5 whole apricots (which most people would consider a serious pigout) and therefore has the same effect on your GI tract (it’s also worth noting that it also involves consuming the same amount of sugar)..

  8. Acesx says:

    oops, i ate 6…shit

  9. Archie says:

    I ate a bag of dried apricots before going out for a hike/bike. Huge mistake. Led me here though and got some great laughs from reading this piece.

  10. Shawn says:

    Your blog was shared with select members of our office staff as an emergency evacuation report came in from one or our staff on the road following the consumption of “many” apricots. Their report following a full 9 innings of porcelain hell and fury. Funny Stuff!

  11. Kayti Lauridsen says:

    Ahahahahaha! I bought a whole bunch of dried apricots last night anf chowed down on them. My mom told me i would explode later but i was like “yeah right”. Now its about an hour later and im sitting on the toilet simultaneously shitting and laughing my ass off (literally)

  12. Glorfindel says:

    If only I’d seen this post *before* buying a bag of dried apricots as a ‘healthy’ snack for work and eating about five in one sitting… LOL. The worst part for me was that it was even more delayed than an hour. I’m typing this after having been woken at 2am by intestinal cramps like I haven’t had since before realising that I’m lactose intolerant. Followed inevitably of course by similar symptoms to those listed. At l

  13. Amanda says:

    Good greif! I have not laughed so hard in all my life! Horribly descriptive and oh so true!

  14. Kerrin says:

    Hey. I just read this article after trying and trying to figure out what the hell just made me feel like I was giving birth out of my ass the other day. I had doubled over in pain the other day and then had horrible diarrhea, seemingly out of nowhere. Then yesterday, I had the same type of thing happen. Going back, I ate about 6/7 apricots those days. Glad I stumbled across this article.

  15. kelley says:

    OMG I had the WORST FARTS EVER at work today from eating about 30 dried apricots. I wish i read this earlier. I laughed my ass off at this article though… very humorous.

  16. princessalexandria says:

    I am literally writing this from the toilet. I ate an entire bag of dried apricots. I feel like my life could potentially be over at any moment.

    Reading this makes me feel better so I know I’m not alone in this disaster. Never eat apricots. Not even one.

    You’re a hysterical writer which distracted me for a few minutes from misery.

  17. Bryce says:

    Well this was absolutely beyond humorous to me, mostly because I ate a good 30 dried pieces of apricot no more than 2 hours ago. In my curiousity, I happened to question whether or not the fruit made you shit. Needless to say, I asked my dear friend google. I found this no more than 15 minutes before I realized that I may very well give birth to a small apricot tree out of my asshole, and in full sprint ripped off my pants and landed on the shitter. If only I had known sooner.

  18. I googled apricots and constipation and the first thing that popped up was your blog. At the big beginning of your story, I was eating apricots. By the end of the story, I was laughing hysterically and put the apricots away. My question is – do you mind if I re blog this? I have a section “Poop Stories” on my blog and this is great!

  19. theart says:

    I’ve just consumed 40+ (dried apricots are very addictive) I can’t wait for a gooooood shit!

  20. Niki Mitchell says:

    Crying !! So funny, and just so true!

  21. Why??? says:

    I, too, am writing this from the bathroom, where I’ve spent a good portion of my afternoon after innocently going to the grocery store and picking up some dried apricots. I thought they sounded good and I proceeded to inhale half the package of them. If only I could Marty McFly back and slap my innocent self who casually put those apricots in my shopping cart. I could’ve spared myself a horrendous afternoon where I asked myself, “Why???” (I haven’t felt this way since before I found out I couldn’t eat gluten. There’s a reason why I don’t eat gluten. And now there’s a reason why I don’t eat apricots.) Somehow I still managed to teach this afternoon, in-between violent attacks from the apricots. You, dear sir, are hilarious and the only good thing that came from eating apricots! Everyone needs to be warned of the dangers of eating this evil fruit!

  22. Boldly Beth says:

    I actually found this post while performing a Google search (during one of my two minute reprieves between bathroom trips) to find out what the hell is going on with my ass after a morning spent munching on dried apricots. I fear that the laughter will cause loss of bowel control…

  23. Just brought 5 apricots with me to work. I have digested 4 over the course of 4 hours. I feel a soft rumble, yet, nothing to the threatcon level that you purport.

    If I leave work and have to hurl my shitstink at home, I will be a bit disappointed. I really did want to put the murder on a work bathroom.

  24. Holymacaroni says:

    Oh god…why didn’t I read this sooner. I too am reading this from the shitter. Technology is yaaaay.

    So the internet said dried apricots are good for pregnant ladies. My husband bought a giant bag of them for me…because he’s so thoughtful. And now, I hate him. They tasted so good and I was switching off eating them with Doritos- sweet and salty, chewy/crunchy -pregnant lady bliss!! And now…my butt really hurts…from the wiping. :*-(

    This piece was so fucking funny- I HAD to read it from the throne because I can’t be trusted to laugh with my pants on right now.

    Thank you!

    • aznbadger says:

      Holy crap! Literally! I’m pretty sure your hubby knew what he was doing… Did you piss him off recently? ‘Cause Doritos, while delicious, sound like just the right component to make a bag of apricots go Super Saiyan in your asshole.

  25. probably dying says:

    have an apricot tree, ate 1 apricot.
    one week on i’m going to hospital to get a camera up my ass probably.
    if i make it back alive, burning down a certain tree is on my list.

  26. Anakalia says:

    I, like everyone else, was lead to your blog by eating 6 of the little demons, hahaha, wish I had a crown because I don’t think I’ll be leaving this throne any time soon. Your story was hilarious by the way, I’m really enjoying reading everyone’s story, so funny!

  27. Funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Like most posters, this info came a little too late for me (five hours later my guts are still carrying on). Given that this week commemorates the beginning of WWI, it’s kinda fitting that these Turkish delights are making my bowels explode (I’m Australian). Thanks for the laughs 🙂

  28. Cindy says:

    I am going through this hell as we speak!! ….and I’m at work…yay me!! Looked it up and was really happy to find this. Frikking hilarious!!! Anyway…thanks God I’m not actually dying. Won’t be buying dried apricots anymore!!

  29. kp says:

    Hysterical! So wish I had found this a few hours ago BEFORE consuming half a box of turkish apricots from Sprouts. I will never consume this fruit again! So thankful I didnt chalk it up to mild food poisoning from something else and risk doing it again.

  30. C says:

    Ate about 20 pieces of dried apricot during five hours of back-to-back uni lectures. Tummy started rumbling midway through …

    If I ever had a worst enemy I would wish this upon him.

  31. drunksprout says:

    I am literally sitting on the toilet reading this in the midst of my own liquid apricot fury. My. God. I mean. I am mainly a fruit water by day but I simply had no idea the extent. This post is so fucking hilarious. Thank you. Thank you for making me feel as if I am not alone in my trembling shame of apricot bum slime. Thank you.

  32. Shirley says:

    Omg…. That has got to be the funniest article I have come across that made me CRY with laughter. You have just described my actual post Apricot indulgent day 🙂 not least I’m still post effects. My god they are the fruits of the underground! I actually thought I was starting to self morph or combust! Excellent! Made me feel sooooo much better after the read, big thanks 🙂

  33. Macy says:

    Holy shit, literally. I have not laughed so hard in a long ass time. Thanks for making this post because you have accurately described my night….I ate too many apricots obviously and was beginning to want to go to the ER it has been so bad but reading this while on the porceline thrown calmed my nerves and made me feel less alone. Holy shit!!!!! Best description, best accurate rant on apricots I wish you’d be a comedian!

  34. jenny says:

    What about smelly facts and apricots it’s very lethal and can clear a room in no time

  35. Snapsta El says:

    This article is hilarious! Thank you…. I suffered from the hands of apricots last night.. I could not think what I ate differently that day…. then i remembered…i ate half a bag of apricots, so i Googled it…. wow i have never suffered like i suffered last night. i actually got scared, what the fuck is going on?! it was the apricots… i will spare you the details of what i went through, but its nice to know i will never eat them again,.

  36. Shayne says:

    I remember when I was 17 waiting for my 4 hour shift to start as a cashier at target, when I bought about 100g of dried apricots to munch on before my shift. BIG mistake. Things were going ok for the first 2 hours, but the last two hours were the worst. The hardest part is we were under staffed so there was no way I could leave my register. This article brought the memories flooding back. The nightmare stomach cramps, the wet farts and the sweat on my brow from holding it all back. Lesson learned – from now on when I enjoy my apricots I make sure my next 12 hours are commitment free. Great article

  37. Theresa says:

    just literally LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.people are hilarious

  38. Dylan says:

    Eating even one apricot gives me the most painful explosive diarrhea possible. It brought me to tears. I’m glad I’m not alone.

  39. Erin Brown says:

    Hahaha, what an unfortunate and hilarious account of food revenge! 😄

  40. TK says:

    Thanks for the humorous and accurate account of the after effects of this deadly fruit! I thought I was being smart by avoiding the dried version. I had experienced the ‘Apricot Volcano’ several times before and blamed it on the sulphur. But last night’s splurge on the seasons first crop has me belching from my butt every few minutes. I had 6-7 very small ones late in the evening before bed. Oddly, this gas is far worse than what I’ve experienced from an entire box of raisins. Between the gas pains and a severely tweaked back from lifting a large TV, I may call 9-11! (Wondering if I can sue our creator.) there should be warning labels on this darn fruit.

  41. Jody says:

    OMG! I knew of the effects of apricots & know I can eat two fresh ones without heading for the hills. This morning I threw a couple in my smoothie. Which also had kale in it. Oh, the agony of the synergy between the two!

  42. blogdiggity1 says:

    LMFAO. Thank you for writing this. I love apricots. This evening I over-indulged in the dried variety and I’m completely paying for it. The only solace I have is that it’s not just me. I’m in so much pain and I’m losing all of my fluids, yet I’m still laughing out loud at this post. Thank you for making this low point highlighted with laughter.

  43. blogdiggity1 says:

    Thank you for writing this. I love apricots. Tonight, I over-Indulged in the dried variety and I’m completely paying for it. As I sit here in terrific pain from losing all of my fluids, I take solace in the fact that I’m not the only one. I even managed to laugh very hard at your post. An hour and 15 minutes later, I’m going to try and sleep. Please let this be the end of it. Never again.

  44. Paul Atreides says:

    This. Is. Classic. (as I sit on the throne reading this) Just ate a bag of these (dried) earlier today, and in a morbid sense of “it can’t be just me”, I found this post whist searching for “apricots gas” — thank you… I think… lol

  45. Sebastian says:

    I was fooled like the rest of you guys… I was tricked into eating this “food” for its presumably very high potassium content. As I, innocently, tried to up my potassium intake, I stumbled on a suggestion : to eat dry appicots for their very high 1g potassium per 100g of apricots (around 15 apricots?). They warned me about the high sugar content, but they didn’t warn me about the high fiber content. Poor toilet… never saw it coming. All clean and shiny and bacterial free from the copious amount of Lysol it was previously washed the day before the event. But then, couple of hours following the ingestion of healthy potassium for healthy body and peaceful mind, the following happened : unpeaceful rectum and unhappy anus. I could seriously hear Beethoven’s 5th symphony when the inevitable had arrived. The one and only destiny everyone has to face from eating too much apricots : a symphony in the bathroom.

    Eat with moderation!! Moderation is 2-3 per DAY.

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