Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

And Now, Van Damme Dancing In “Breakin'”


That is all.

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A Canadian Typo Kept Me From Beating Fight Night For 6 Months

Thank you South Park for summing up my feelings as of last night ever so succinctly.

For those that might be unaware, I’ve been trying on and off to beat Isaac Frost (the final boss of Fight Night Champion) for a good long while now.

As detailed here and maybe not for very much longer here, fighting the guy is a complex affair involving straight up boxing simulation gameplay, and a hokey round to round array of pre-arranged objectives.

That is to say, as much as you’d like to just go out and fight Frost like you would any other fighter in the game, the dramatic nature of the story mode forces you to accomplish certain tasks from round to round, thereby robbing the fight of the organic nature that makes Fight Night Champion such a satisfying experience.

Despite the awkward nature of the gameplay aspect of the fight, from a presentation standpoint, it’s actually quite absorbing at times.

Unlike normal exhibition or vs. matches in the game, the story mode fights make use of ambient music and contextual music cues, resulting in the fight with Frost feeling genuinely cinematic at times.

As frustrated as I was at times, every time the heavy percussion of Isaac Frost’s theme would kick in as he landed a big punch on me, I really felt the tension bearing down on me.

That being said, as annoying as it was to be unable to beat Frost for so long, easily the most annoying part of the whole thing stems from how I actually went about defeating him for the first time.

When you finally beat a tough challenge, especially in a videogame, you expect to feel a sense of accomplishment, of pride for your achievement.

I didn’t get that.

Instead, I learned that all these months I’d been defeated, not by Frost; but by the programmers over at EA Canada’s poor choice of wording.

Before the 3rd round, your trainer tells you to land “power shots” to the body.

At the beginning of said round, the objective listed on-screen reads “Land power shots to the body.”

Just in case you're one of those mentally deficient folks that needs a Powerpoint to understand things.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

In Fight Night Champion, there is a substantial difference between power shots, and regular punches.

Power shots are slower, cannot be thrown in combination, and make use of a modifier button to execute.

That is to say, they are a specialized tool to be used with moderation and caution.

From the 3rd to the 5th round of the fight, I was under the impression that I was being told to land 75 power shots to Isaac Frost’s midsection.

Just to clarify, that’s a fuck ton of power shots, making for a fuck ton of opportunities for Frost to capitalize on the slow speed and recovery time of said punches.

Staying on your feet trying to land 75 power shots inside of 9 minutes against Isaac Frost is like trying to ice skate uphill when there ain’t no ice.

In short, it just doesn’t work.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered, by accident, that despite the specific use of the term “power shot” being utilized both in the dialogue of a cutscene and by the in-game text objective; I was not in fact required to use them.

Truth be told, I wasn’t really that mad per se, really I was just kind of surprised at how easy Frost was once I learned that.

For awhile now I’ve thought of him as one of the harder bosses I’ve fought in gaming, but now that I know how he’s supposed to be fought, he’s almost disappointingly wimpy.

Sure, he’s still got the power to put you down at any time in the fight, but I’m pretty fuckin’ good at Fight Night, so once you’re “allowed” to go on the offensive against him, I put him away just like any other bum.

I just think it’s so funny that, like seemingly everything in life, I made Isaac Frost so much harder than he actually was.

I struggled for days trying to find ways to slip in and out using nothing but power shots, but to no avail.

Believe it or not, I actually got good enough at fighting him that way that I routinely came within a few punches and seconds of being able to land the 75 punches required to advance in the fight.

In a way, I kind of wish my interpretation of the Isaac Frost gameplan was real, as it made for one helluva’ challenge, but one that I likely could’ve achieved with enough practice.

So there you have it:

Isaac Frost < The Shitty Writers Over at EA Canada.

Filed under: Boxing, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , ,

And Now, Chuck Norris Ruminating On The Existence Of Ninjas.

My friend showed me this awhile back.

Something about Chuck’s oddly casual manner, and curiously spooky inner monologue in this scene tickles me in just the right way.

Seriously man, who the fuck talks to themself in suspenseful hushed tones?

Isn’t that something one generally does only in the presence of M. Night Shyamalan?

Apparently it’s a clip from a film called The Octagon, a shitty movie that I’ve unfortunately never seen; but certainly hope to in the near future.

Filed under: Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , ,

So… Larry Merchant’s A Meme Now.

Pictured: The picture that launched a meme.

Seriously?

Of all the stupid fucking bullshit that could call attention to boxing in the mainstream media, THIS is what’s responsible?

I mean it’s cool an’ all, the idea of the perpetually curmudgeonly and grandfatherly Larry Merchant talking back to one of this generations greatest fighters; but even so, I would hardly consider it worthy of being a “thing.”

While I’m on the topic, whoever started the meme that is the mainstream use of the word “meme,” is an asshole that will very likely have a place in future encyclopedia articles regarding “The Collapse of Western Civilization.”

As a lifelong fan, any news, no matter how trivial/stupid, of boxing making waves in the mainstream is good for the sport.

In a perfect world, news of good fights, or exceptional fighters would be sufficient to qualify as “news-worthy,” but sadly, in this day and age; we need to rely on stupid bullshit like Uncle Larry cussing out “Money” Mayweather to get any sort of publicity for boxing.

At many points in my life, I’ve found myself putting my head between my legs and muttering to myself:

“Why couldn’t I have grown up being a football fan?  It would be so much easier…”

Boxing doesn’t have seasons or teams.

Thanks to the lucrative nature of pay-per-view and the alphabet soup of rankings and belt commissions, big fights are virtually impossible to see without paying out the nose.

And if you’re like me, and are from the Pacific Northwest, you don’t have any big name fighters to represent your city, state, or continental region.

Sure, we had a few greats, like Freddie Steele and Greg Haugen, but nowadays we lose pretty much all of the “would be” talent to MMA, ’cause, well; that’s just how it is these days.

Needless to say, where I’m from, “Did you see the fight last night?” is one of those phrases that just doesn’t compute with most people.

If this incident snags boxing a few more fans, that’s terrific.

Just don’t expect me to put up with you if you try to reach out and talk boxing with me and bring up Larry Merchant and Mayweather’s little tiff as you’re opening topic.

To that I’d probably say:

“Yeah that was kind of funny, you do realize there was a fight that night, right?”

That being said, while I’m happy boxing and my boy Larry Merchant are having their (mostly undesired) moment in the sun, I’ll be a lot happier when the buzz dies down and we can get back to business.

Filed under: Boxing, , , , , , , , ,

Shawn Michaels Is Hilarious… But I Don’t Think He Knows It.

Shawn Michaels is easily one of my favorite wrestlers of all time.

His in-ring ability and timing is some of the best of all time, and though he was never on par with the likes of The Rock or Randy Savage on the mic; (to be fair, no one is) few could deny he could cut a good promo.

That being said, as demonstrated in the clip above, no man; no matter how awesome, can escape the hilarious effects slow-motion.

It’s like an undeniable fact of universal physics.

Any voice, sped up or slowed down, automatically becomes comedy gold.

Oddly enough, slow-motion Shawn Michaels is one of the more hilarious examples of said phenomena.

Something about the way he and other wrestlers, most notably HHH; linger on their words, and stretch out their syllables, just makes them sound really fucking funny when slowed down.

Truth be told, slow-motion HBK doesn’t sound all too different from the real thing, however the change in his speech cadence, results in him sounding more than a little drunk.

Just take a look here:

While HBK has always had a goofy side to him, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever laughed out loud at anything he did outside of the edited clips above.

Well, except for maybe that one time when he made a fool out of Hulk Hogan by overselling his moves:

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember When The Rock And HHH Had A Head-Busting Contest?

No explanation necessary.

Just 2 terrific performers at the peak of their powers, giving the crowd a show through some simple; but truly brilliant physical comedy.

At the end of the day, wrestling’s supposed to be fun; and that’s exactly what this clip represents.

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , ,

The IdentityHawk Is Kind Of A Prick


Yesterday I posted an example of what I’d consider to be a truly awful TV commercial.

Given that I’ve been starved for writing inspiration for the past few days, I figure one more “bad commercial post” wouldn’t hurt.

Let’s just hope this doesn’t become a regular “thing” on this blog…

Anyway, I’ve been watching TV a little more than usual lately, particularly the local networks, and as such; a few frequently aired commercials have been nagging on me as of late.

One of them was the StopBuggingMeNow commercial from yesterday, and the other is the IdentityHawk one at the top of this post.

While nowhere near as piss-poor as yesterday’s epic crap-fest, the IdentityHawk commercial is fairly poor in terms of scripting and overall production values, though it was shot at or near HD quality; so you can tell they at least tried to produce it semi-professionally

Despite this, there’s some aspects to it that are giggle, or at least sarcastic snort worthy.

For one thing, I love how the music makes a 180 degree tonal shift from America’s Most Wanted eerie, to Walmart wholesome pretty much at the drop of a hat.

Despite this though, the real star of the show is the no-nonsense IdentityHawk mascot.

For whatever reason, the poorly rendered (though not unbearably so) CG hawk has a few quirks to him that make me smile.

More specifically, his ultra straightforward manner of speech and rather severe case of cerebral palsy make me laugh.

Something about the idea of a douchebag hawk swooping in and yelling “HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN’!?” to some guy picking through peoples’ garbage just seems humorous to me.

I love how the fuckin’ hawk basically cuts through the dude’s bullshit and doesn’t really give him a chance to explain himself in the slightest.

In fact, now that I think about it, the IdentityHawk really seems like kind of a prick, as had the “identity thief” character not voiced his intentions out loud, there’s a good chance he might’ve just been some homeless guy picking through garbage cans for food.

For an identity thief he has a splendid head of hair. Jus' sayin'...

I’m all for identification security and what not, but does protecting one’s information really mandate the use of asshole-ish, talking, CGI hawks to protect one’s garbage cans?

Seriously man, if this IdentityHawk shit hits the big time, we could be looking at a grim future where neighbors end up routinely murdering each other with their IndentityHawks over dumping shit in each other’s dumpsters.

Shit, if my neighbors had a douchy CGI hawk in their yard, my dad and I probably wouldn’t last a week.

IdentityHawk, keeping your identity/garbage safe from thieves/homeless people ’cause it’s the ‘Merikuhn way.

 

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , ,

Unfortunate Animal Names: Flat-Headed Cat


Before anyone asks, “yes,” I am a cat guy.

I know it’s kind of bizarro-masculine to be a dude that likes cats, (especially as much as I do) but like Popeye says, I ‘yam what I ‘yam.

That’s not to say I hate dogs or anything, it’s just that I had some bad experiences with dogs in my youth, and so I’ve always been a little weary around them.

I don’t like the energy of some of the bigger and more energetic breeds of dogs.

I don’t like how you can look them in the eye all you want and never have a clue of what they’re thinking.

Cat’s tend to have an air of “not giving a fuck,” but even so I appreciate their (generally) more docile and self-sufficient nature.

Which brings us to our unfortunately named animal of the day, the Flat-Headed Cat.

I know it’s name is supposed to be a straightforward indication of it’s skull structure, but even so; Flat Head is a pretty lame-ass name for an animal, let alone a cat.

Seriously man, it’s like the thing was named by a bratty little 5 year old or some shit.

My guess is, the zoologist in charge of naming the damn thing had the bright idea of letting his (dumbass) kid name it.

Chances are the kid suggested things like “block headed” or “fat headed” or “poop faced” cat; all of which would’ve been perfectly acceptable by my standards, but admittedly very much unfortunate in their own right.

The point is, the name “Flat-Headed Cat” is just plain boring, not to mention more than a little pathetic.

Think about it, it’s like saying there was nothing else about the animal that was distinctive or noteworthy enough to name it by.

How about naming it after the region it was discovered in?

How about naming it for an aspect of it’s behavior or diet?

Or I don’t know, how about naming it after the person who discovered it?

Thanks to my Zoobooks collection, I know a thing or 2 about what makes the Flat-Headed Cat much more than just a kitty with a flat head; but apparently the people who named the damn thing didn’t give 2 shits about putting any of that information to good use.

*Sigh* Oh well, apparently not all zoologists care as much about cats as I do…

The Origin of The Flat-Headed Cat:

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Unfortunate Animal Names: Chiff Chaff Warbler

The animal kingdom has a lot of unfortunately named animals in it, and today we’re gonna’ take a minute to single out and harp on one of said poor unfortunate souls.

That being said, today we’re going to be talking shit about the tiny and, one would think; defenseless little birdy that our scientists decided to name the Chiff Chaff Warbler.

Now, I don’t know about you, but when I hear the name “warbler,” I can’t help but think of a cartoonishly fat and decidedly ponderous creature along the lines of Wimpy from Popeye.

I suppose it goes without saying that “warble” brings to mind gross (read: MANLY) things like belching, or gargling… Or belching while gargling.

Pictured: What happens when stupid bitches try to belch and gargle at the same time.

Something about the rotund and guttural nature of the word “warble” just sets my mind thinking to all things chubby and pathetic.

As for the “chiff chaff” part of things, I don’t know what the fuck it’s supposed to mean, but it sounds like one of those old-timey phrases that old men with Dublin mustaches and monocles would say.

Y’know, things like:

Riff raff, haberdashery, poppycock, Toffifay, etc.

The kind of words one would say while swishing their mustache, and exclaiming whatsits like “I say!” or “…my good man.”

In conclusion, the Chiff Chaff Warbler is a chubby, pathetic bird that wears a monocle and belches loudly and often.

Happy Father’s Day everyone!

Pictured: Not me, but still pretty fuckin' funny.

Filed under: Comics, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember That One Time Sid Vicious Apologized On-Air For Being An Idiot?

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