Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Summon Skeet Ulrich!


Have you heard of Skeet Ulrich?

Don’t be ashamed if you don’t, having knowledge of him is neither counter-culture nor “hip,” it’s merely pointless and stupid.

That being said, let me; the (self-proclaimed) Master of the Pointless and Stupid be guide your guide to the slightly above average B-level actor that his Skeet Ulrich!

All you really have to know about the man, is that his first name is a slang term for male ejaculate; and his claim to fame in the acting world is that he looks kind of like Johnny Depp.

Rather, he looked like Johnny Depp:

Father Time: 1 - Skeet Ulrich: 0

To my knowledge, the one movie that most people would remember Skeet Ulrich from, had they the desire to do so; would most likely be Wes Craven’s Scream.

In Scream, Ulrich played a guy that looked vaguely like Johnny Depp and… Well, even though the movie came out some 6-7 years ago; I’d prefer not to spoil it, given that it’s actually pretty good.

On a side note, it was Wes Craven who originally gave Johnny Depp his first acting role in A Nightmare on Elm Street, making him responsible for introducing the film world to the panty soaking powerhouse that is Johnny Depp, as well as his significantly less talented Doppelganger, Jizz Ulrich.

What an interesting coincidence.

Near as I can tell, things have gone downhill for Skeet-Skeet ever since.

He co-starred in Chill Factor, a film about a nuclear ice cream truck.

...Or if you're foreign, "50 Degrees Fahrenheit." That's a winning title if I've ever heard one...

He starred in Jericho, a show that got cancelled around the time people started to care about it.

He also starred in a film called Chilly Dogs… In which he raced a bunch of cold-ass dogs in the Iditarod.

Holy shit, Spunk Ulrich, The Chick from Species, and Leslie Nielsen; ALL IN THE SAME MOVIE!?

And most recently I caught him, looking quite shopworn I might add; in Armored, a movie about quite possibly the most inept armored car robbers in all of armored car robbery.

Skeet Ulrich has long been a running gag in my mind as one of the higher profile “that guy” actors in Hollywood cinema.

A “that guy” is basically what I call an actor that you see, all the fucking time; however the average viewer rarely ever takes the time to learn their name.

Man-Spunk Ulrich came out the gate with the looks to set up a solid career, however for whatever reason he’s seemingly never amounted to any more than a Diet Johnny Depp.

Similar in taste and appearance, but otherwise lacking the substance of the original.

Oh well, as low-profile as the man’s career has been, I’ve had my fair share of laughs over making fun of him over the years.

Here’s to Cum-Puddle Ulrich, may the Doppelgangers of Hollywood live on!

 

 

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Top 3 Academy Awardees… That Make The Academy Facepalm

Tonight we celebrated the 83rd edition of the Academy Awards.

Predictably, the English thespian uber-beast that is Colin FIRRRTHHHH managed to walk away with a Best Actor award, while Natalie Portman bagged the Best Actress.

While I haven’t seen The King’s Speech or Black Swan, and thusly can’t speak to the performances of these actors; in keeping with the spirit of the Academy Award festivities this evening, I’ve decided to put together a small list of the top 3 biggest FUCK-UPS the Academy saw fit to hand Best Actor awards to.

The following actors all have one thing in common:

While all may have had some bankability/acting merit at some point in their career, somewhere down the road they saw fit to sell-out and participate in some legendarily horrid films, some of which may or may not contain bear suits and bees.

Anyway, let’s get on with the list:

#3. Anna Pacquin

Yikes! 'Guess I can throw away that theory of her "growing into" that gap...

Anna Pacquin managed to charm her way to a Supporting Actress golden statue for her role in 1993’s, The Piano.

She was 11 years old at the time, making it fairly evident that the Academy staff is likely packed to the brim with pedo-faces.

For those that need a visual aid...

Now, given that Ms. Pacquin was very young when she received her Oscar, you’d expect her experience in the craft would improve as she grew older, right?

WRONG.

Sometime after The Piano, Anna Pacquin would go on to have supporting roles in such classics as, She’s All That, the X-Men series, and even the oh so cleverly titled horror anthology film, Trick ‘r Treat.

Also featuring that fat kid from Bad Santa!

While some might argue that Ms. Pacquin has seemingly found new life in her career with her leading role in the cable series True Blood, I would argue that she’s still very much in crap-town in terms of her bankability.

Case in point, she’s been cast in the upcoming (and largely unwanted) Scream 4, which retains almost none of the cast from the previous films.

Typically that’s not a good sign when dealing with (unwanted) sequels, just look what happened with Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

#2: Sandra Bullock

 

Am I supposed to be turned on? 'Cause I'm really not... Kinda' hungry, but definitely not turned on...

“It was called The Net, with that girl from the bus…” – Frank Costanza, Seinfeld

Sandra Bullock snagged a Best Actress award in 2009 for her “transformative” role in The Blind Side.

While I would argue that the movie itself was actually kind of flat, with Ms. Bullock’s performance doing little to add to it’s mediocrity; the academy saw fit to give her the nod, thusly solidifying her place on this list.

Sandra Bullock had a rather odd journey to the Academy Awards.

Early on she was TV movie tripe like, Bionic Showdown: The Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman.

Thought I was kiddin', didin'cha'?

Then she started to move up in the world, landing supporting roles in modern classics like Demolition Man, and Speed.

That’s right, MODERN. CLASSICS.

Then she got greedy and started conning her way into starring roles in horse shit like The Net, and Speed 2: Cruise Control.

 

Pictured: A shitty, and severly dated movie.

Then came the beginning of the new millenium.

Then, came the era of congeniality.

Tens of thousands were killed in the angry riots spawned by the release of the first Miss Congeniality.

Entire nations were felled in the anarchic firestorm brought on by the announcement of the second in the series, Miss Congeniality: Armed and Fabulous.

Given her greedy nature, combined with the relative stagnation of her career since achieving Oscar gold, I would not be surprised if Ms. Bullock had her goons in Hollywood pounding out a script for Miss Congeniality 3: Botoxed and Beautiful, as we speak…

#1: Nicolas Cage

If you're trying to scare me Mr. Cage, you have succeeded...

No list of Hollywood burn-outs could be complete without the inclusion of Nic Cage.

The Cage began his stint in Hollywood from humble beginnings.

Well, if you call being the nephew of one of the most influential and respected directors of all time, “humble.”

Early on, Cage made an impression in Hollywood with his critically acclaimed role as a douche bag in a handful of scenes from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

 

The Birth of a Legend...

Said performance would prove to be an acting formula Mr. Cage would draw from in crafting many of his finer roles.

For several years, Nic Cage would pop up in films, largely in background roles; often times stealing the show with his unearthly powers of scenery-chewing and not-giving-a-fuck.

Then came Moonstruck, a film that received enormous critical acclaim; and very likely would’ve netted Mr. Cage an Oscar had Cher not overwhelmed his performance with her massive aura of FAIL and gender neutrality.

 

WHAT.... IS, IT!!!!!????

Years passed, and Cage, now starting to make waves as the possible “next big thing” in the industry, started churning out half-assed shit like Firebirds, seemingly for the fun of it.

Few realized it at the time, but the man was challenging us to a twisted and bizarre game of his own designs, daring us to take him seriously as an actor one minute, only for him to turn heel and pump out half-assed performances in blockbuster films.

It was a game only he himself could understand, let alone enjoy; and yet for some reason we foolishly kept coming back for more.

As with his acting method founded so long ago on the bleachers of Ridgemont High, Nic Cage; sly son of a bitch that he is, once again found a new devious element to add to his modus operandi…

1995 saw the release of Leaving Las Vegas, the film that would finally give Nic Cage his Best Actor award.

 

Pictured: Nic Cage's acting coaches.

Despite receiving universal acclaim critics worldwide, Nic Cage would later go on record stating that he had no memory of ever having made a film called “Leaving Las Vegas,” claiming that he spent all of ’95 fighting savage women on one of his privately owned islands while wearing a bear-suit.

Regardless of the truth of this matter, Nic Cage would display great proficiency in bear-suit combat tactics in some of his later films, suggesting he may indeed have had prior experience in said activities…

Following his Oscar success, the Nic Cage floodgates of crappiness and truly not-giving-a-fuck would burst wide open.

Amplifying Nic Cage’s powers of “phoning-it-in” and “not-giving-a-damn” 10 fold, Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay would go on to sink their claws into the enigma that is The Cage; casting him in overblown crap-fest after overblown retarded crap-fest for years to come.

 

Urge to kill, RISING...

Con Air, the Gone in 60 Seconds remake, the National Treasure series, horrible movies thrown in our faces cock-first, over and over and over again every summer…

Then, things got worse.

While few could argue that Next, Bangkok Dangerous, and The Sorceror’s Apprentice were *ahem!* “taxing,” even for the sternest of Nic Cage fans; everything seemed to come to a head with 2006’s remake of The Wicker Man.

Awe-inspiringly bad, to the point where few could argue that Nic Cage had finally topped himself in terms of simultaneously not-giving-a-shit and intentionally trying to ruin a film; The Wicker Man was the proverbial dick-slap to the face of the Academy that awarded him as Best Actor of 1995.

It was a facepalm for the ages, and one I believe most in Hollywood relive every time Nic Cage’s face pops up on a movie poster.

With potential gems like Drive Angry and Ghost Rider 2 still regularly showing up on Mr. Cage’s resume in the foreseeable future, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Academy actually tries to take back that award somewhere down the line…

 

 

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Sitting In On A Game Of Magic The Gathering

Today I had a chance to sit on my first Magic The Gathering tournament.

After having just done my Tactical Panda Magic card parody the other day, the tournament was kind of a nice surprise; being as Magic was obviously on my mind.

Back in the day, I never really got too into Magic.

I started around fifth edition, and though I played the game and collected the cards for a few years; I never got into it enough to learn the nuances of deck construction or skillful play.

Like many casual card game collectors, most of my fascination with trading card games sprung from the amazing quality of the artwork.

To date, I’ve collected or played Magic, Star Wars, Marvel Overpower, and Pokemon at various points in my youth; though my involvement with each never grew beyond a casual fascination.

Overpower: Fun Until Everybody Forgot How To Play...

Seeing Magic played by skillful players was actually kind of fun.

As is generally the case when watching/listening to things outside of your pool of knowledge, there was a lot of information that blew right over my head; however I was frequently surprised by how much of the core mechanics of the game I was able to remember.

Tapping mana, buffing creatures, managing upkeep, it all came back to me like I was some sort of long retired pro having flashbacks of my heyday.

Which is of course bullshit, being as I was never any good at Magic.

Pictured: How most Magic games involving The Azn Badger would usually end up. By the way, I'm the guy on the right.

I found it downright spellbinding how all the players in this evening’s tournament were able to cite familiarity with each other’s cards, to the point in which little or no explanation of each player’s intent and card capabilities was necessary, making for a far more streamlined experience than I was used to.

Hell, 80% of the time I spent playing Magic was devoted to my opponent and I reading our card abilities to each other and fiercely debating their fairness.

Anyway, I don’t have much to say about the tournament, other than the fact that it was a lot of fun to watch other (better) players tool around in a game I abandoned so many years ago.

I don’t see myself ever getting back into card games, but it was a fun trip down memory lane nonetheless.

Excuse me as I root through my old Magic cards in search of any rare or valuable ones that may have found their way into my collection…

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Work Makes Me Hate The World

This week was my first 60 hour work week at Amazon.

By the end, I was finding aches in parts of my body that no 23 year old man should have aches in.

Young men such as myself should never have to worry about pain in their knees and lower back, but as I sit typing this post; I hurt pretty much all over.

Not only that, I’m finding that working for so many days consecutively leaves me feeling bitter to the point in which I think it would be best if I just stayed away from people for the next 24 hours.

We’ll call it a “cooling off” period.

Speaking of “cool,” I was in the freezer, that is; the massive, -2o degree industrial freezer, every day this week, so rest assured I’m very much full of Hulk rage at the moment.

And I don’t mean gray Hulk rage either, I’m talkin’ full on, green and mean Hulk rage…

 

Haha, Hulk speak is funny...

That being said, I’ll sum up by saying I hope no of you had to work like I did these past 6 days, and if you did; you have my deepest sympathies.

Here’s to the next 3 days of freedom.

By the way, if you happen to bump into me on the street tomorrow, don’t say “hi,” otherwise I’ll probably let out a Howard Dean-esque battle cry and tear your scalp off and feed it to you.

Seriously:  Don’t poke the badger when he’s in “hate the world” mode…

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