Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

And Now, Brock Calling A Rice Ball A Jelly Donut

I first saw this episode when I was in middle school, and to this day I still think it’s one of the dumber examples of localization I’ve ever seen.

Honestly, when you actually show a character scooping rice to form a triangular nigiri, it’s kind of hard to play off said rice ball as donut, no matter how much enthusiasm is vested in declaring it so.

The weird part, at least to my half Asian brain, is the fact that rice balls don’t seem at all like something that would scare or confuse an American child.

Sure, not all Americans grow up with rice in the house, let alone rice balls, but when it comes right down to it, there’s plenty of weirder foods out there, particularly when it comes to Japanese dining.

Y’know, pickled shit and the like….

The sad part in all this though, is that I’ve heard that 4Kids Entertainment has since gone on to actually physically edit out the presence of rice balls in later Pokemon episodes, (the ones that came out long after I stopped caring) drawing over the animation cells with sandwiches and other “less threatening” foods.

Take a look at this:

White people be craaaaaaaaazy…

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , ,

Concealable Weapons You’re Not Cool Enough To Carry: Pocket Sand

What Is It?:  

A cache of sand stored in one’s pockets for the purpose of throwing in an attackers eyes.

Who’s Used It?:

Dale Gribble, Uncle Scar, Chong Li, Mr. Fuji.

Why Am I Not Cool Enough To Carry It?:  

Because throwing sand in peoples eyes is an act reserved for only the most weasly and underhanded motherfuckers in all of existence.

It’s one thing to be an opportunist, to be that asshole that chucks a wad of sand in the heat of the moment.

That shit’s been goin’ on since the beginning of time.

Hell, I’m willing to bet fuckin’ amoeba’s n’shit were chuckin’ particles of primordial soup at each others membranes back in the day.

Hell, even fuckin' Pokemon do it.

How else would the world know who the bad guys were?

The point is, chucking sand in people’s eyes is an inherently despicable, yet practical act; but if and when it’s utilized as a preemptive means of defense, it becomes something far more diabolical than most ordinary humans are capable of.

In order to be that guy that pockets a wad of sand every morning, you’d have to have a thought process somewhere along the lines of:

 “Oh shit, my Spider-Sense is tingling. I should probably bring some sand with me today…”

I’m sorry, but unless you’ve got Batman kicking down your door with any sort of regularity, chances are you’re not anywhere near cool enough to carry tactical pocket sand.

I understand that some people think it perfectly reasonable to carry pepper spray, stun guns, or even knives everywhere they go; (I don’t) but it takes a certain kind of crazy (not at all like a fox) to say to yourself:

“Whoops!  Silly me, I almost forgot to stuff kitty litter in my pockets before I left for work!”

I’m sorry, but chances are the kind of people that would consider carrying sand in their pockets a sensible, and totally necessary method of self-defense, are the kind of people that have gone out of their way to make the sort of enemies that would require said extreme measures to be dealt with.

That is to say, unless you’re a paranoid fuckin’ gun nut like Dale Gribble, or one seriously slimy-ass motherfucker like Lex Luthor’s douchebag second cousin or some shit; then chances are you haven’t earned the right to carry pocket sand in, uh, your pockets.

Filed under: Comics, Concealable Weapons You're Not Cool Enough To Carry, Games, Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , ,

Blog Every Day…

Image courtesy Anothersunnymorning.wordpress.com

Now before you get all excited thinking I finally got my shit together and put forth the time and effort to craft the image you see above, please note that this image is a gift from a close friend of mine over at Another Sunny Morning.

It’s a stunning likeness if I do say so myself, though this marks the second portrait of me the man’s made where I’m donning a wife-beater.

Funny, given that I almost never wear wife-beaters, and even then mine are black.

Oh well, maybe I just seem like a wife-beater wearin’ kind of guy to some people…

As part of an ongoing daily project, my buddies’ been making a legitimate piece of art every day, which given the pressures of having to find artistic inspiration every day; resulted in him making goofy pictures of people he knows doing goofy (yet somehow appropriate) things.

Anyway, he gave me the okay to use the image above if ever I felt the need to take “lazy day” on my blog, and wouldn’t you know; I’m cashing it in the same day he sent it to me.

That being said, sorry again for all the lazy posts; consider this one a great big “sigh” on my part.

Luckily I have friends to do my blogging for me when I’ve got nothing in the pipe.

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Top 10 Manliest Man Moments #7: The Poe-Dozer

Welcome back folks, to the Azn Badger’s list of the Top 10 Manliest Man Moments!

So far we’ve covered the head-exploding exploits of Kenshiro from Fist of the North Star, the unbridled savagery of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s John Matrix in Commando, and the sporadic and unfocused heroism of Han Solo.

Indeed, with every entry on this list we’ve explored a number of different forms of MANLINESS, and today will be no exception.

Today, as we name the 7th MANLIEST MAN moment in movie history, we enter the 7th circle of MAN-DOM:

Make no mistake, Con Air is a horribly disjointed mess of a movie.

Despite having an all-star cast, Con Air isn’t action-y enough to be an action movie, nor prison-y enough to be a prison movie; resulting in a film that has no fuckin’ clue what it wants to do with itself.

In falling flat on it’s face trying to embody the genres listed above, Con Air falls back on what many Jerry Bruckheimer financed blockbusters attempt to do, namely be “funny.”

Normally this would be acceptable, (and if Michael Bay’s in charge, very likely racist) however in this case most of the funny lines are delivered by DEATH ROW INMATES, making the humor just a little bit morally questionable.

Haha! Serial killers are HILARIOUS!

Despite all of Con Air’s failings, to it’s credit; it remains a very watchable piece of mid-90’s garbage.

One thing the movie did do right though, was give us the awesomeness that is Nic Cage’s Cameron Poe.

Cameron Poe, feeeeeeeels so good....

A quiet Southern gentleman who just happens to be an Army Ranger, Cameron Poe also happens to be mullet-ed and blue jean-ed DEATH on 2 legs.

Case in point, Poe is known to be SO FUCKING SAVAGE that in defending his PREGNANT WIFE against 3 drunken yahoos, 1 of whom is armed with a knife; Poe ends up getting sent to prison for manslaughter.

Seriously man, the guy is SO FUCKING SAVAGE that in killing an armed man in self-defense, he gets sent to prison for 8 years on the grounds that he “should’ve known better,” being as he’s a FUCKING KILLING MACHINE.

Anyway, despite Poe’s infinite awesomeness, Con Air as a movie doesn’t exactly afford him all that many opportunities to be badass.

There’s that one time he rescues a stuffed bunny through “presenting rearward” to a more than a little surprised Nick Chinlund while over-the-top rock music blared in the background:

Somebody just lost their cherry. Not sure who...

Then there was that one time he Chuck Norris-ed the shit out of some Mexicans to the sounds of over-the-top rock music:

The MANLIEST of MANLY maneuvers: The Roundhouse Kick!

And I guess there was that one time he prevented the rape of that one lady from Total Recall by beating the shit out of “The Man Who Always Dies In Movies,” Danny Trejo; also set to over-the-top rock music:

In other words, Cameron Poe; as awesome as he is, seems dependent on the presence of over-the-top stylings of Trevor Rabin’s orchestral synth-rock music in order to get his swagger on and kill the fuck out of, well; apparently mostly just Mexicans.

Cameron Poe’s not racist, there just happen to be a lot of Hispanic bad guys that wander into his path in Con Air.

At least I hope that’s the case…

Thankfully, Cameron Poe’s MANLIEST of MAN moments, and our 7th MANLIEST MAN moment in all of movies; involves no violence directed at Hispanics, but rather  plain ‘ole white guys, which of course makes it all the more PC!:

So here’s the basic setup:

An impeccably dressed John Cusack and that one Irish guy from Star Trek have finally caught up to the Jail Bird, the plane carrying all of the escaped convicts AKA the bad guys.

Chasing after the plane in pair of attack helicopters, the Irish guy orders his pilot to shoot it down; while John Cusack’s Vince Larkin does what he can to protect the government’s property I.E. both the plane and CAMERON FUCKING POE by screaming “CEASE FIRE!” into the ear of the pilot in the front seat.

Dial it down Cusack! The check cleared...

Long story short, some shots are fired, but not enough to knock the plane out of the sky.

During all of this however, Nic Cage’s Cameron Poe is in the process of HULKING OUT over his diabetic friend Baby-O, played by Bubba from Forrest Gump; having just been shot in the gut by John Malkovich’s unitentionally hilarious Cyrus the Virus.

Nearly brought to MANLY tears at the sight of his friends lying on the ground dieing and rapidly losing his faith, Poe does what any self-respecting MAN would do and casually DECLARES HIMSELF GOD and sets out on his way to kill a bunch of people:

Thus begins the awesomeness of MANLY moment #7.

Standing up from tending to his fallen friend, The Poe’s trademark over-the-top rock music starts blaring, and shit gets real, really fuckin’ fast!

Stomping down the aisle of the Jail Bird on a bee line for the cockpit, Poe throws on his MANLIEST of MAN-FACES and ascends to his ULTIMATE level of MAN-SAVAGERY:

Despite the massive aura of MANLINESS radiating from him during all of this, a couple of the bad guys foolishly step up to challenge The Poe-Dozer.

First up is a big-ass blonde, shirtless douchbag with a broken bottle that uses what little time he has left on this Earth to shout a retarded and borderline incoherent threat at The Poe-Dozer:

Just 'cause you've only got a tenth second to issue a threat, doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

As one might expect, size advantage or not; going toe-to-toe with The Poe when he’s in full-on Poe-Dozer Mode get’s this poor shmuck beat to shit something fierce.

Quick as you can say “1, 2, 3” The Poe-Dozer brings it’s blade to bear and claims it’s first victim:

Wham, bam, thank you ma'am...

Not skipping a beat, The Poe-Dozer continues his march of MANLINESS, letting out an obscenely MANLY “HUUOOOAAAH!!!!!” as he steps over the fallen blonde douchebag.

Unfortunately, another bad guy pops up in The Poe’s way; this time armed with a handgun.

Having seen his partner utterly steamrolled by the fury of The Poe-Dozer, the baddie wastes no time lifting his pistol and opening fire.

Bad Guy used Bullet Seed! It's not very effective...

Unbeknownst to this particular bad guy though, The Poe-Dozer is immune to gunfire, thusly causing the otherwise debilitating injury of a bullet to the bicep to seem like little more than a minor annoyance.

… A minor annoyance that serves to ANGER the already POSITIVELY FUMING Poe-Dozer.

That being said, it should come as no surprise, least of all to the bad guy standing before him; that The Poe-Dozer goes to town on this sad sack of fuck with a motherfuckin’ vengeance.

… But not before we cut to a shot of the guy having a moment as he reflects on the error of his ways:

Utterly frozen in disbelief at the sight of The Poe-Dozer’s unflinching reaction to the gunshot wound, the convict finds himself unable to pull the trigger a second time.

His fate sealed, the bad guy quickly succumbs to the unrelenting fury of The Poe-Dozer; falling by the wayside after 3 consecutive straight right hands to the jaw.

... And here comes #3.

At this point the music has already begun to calm down, thereby stripping The Poe-Dozer of his inhuman strength and vengeance fueled MAN-RAGE.

Fortunately, the previous 2 bad guys made up the bulk of The Poe’s resistance in reaching the cockpit, with the last obstacle remaining in his way (besides the fucking door) being the effeminate cross-dressing convict, “Sally Can’t Dance.”

Behold, the dreaded final boss of the "March to the Cockpit" stage in Con Air: The Videogame!

Reverting from his uber-violent Poe-Dozer Mode to the more socially acceptable Southern Gentleman Mode, The Poe sees fit to dispatch “Sally Can’t Dance” in a manner that is fitting, namely that of laying the smack down with an open palm:

Huh, ‘guess I lied about the “no violence towards Hispanics” in this scene.

Oh well.

Technically there’s more to it, but in my eyes this moment marks the conclusion of the 7th MANLIEST MAN moment in movies.

Check back tomorrow for MANLY moment #6 on our list of the Top 10 Manliest Man Moments!

Filed under: Movies, Top 10 Manliest Man Moments, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Azn Badger Pokemon!

Pretty neat, huh?

As much as I’d love to take credit for it, the work of art you see at the top of this post is in fact a donation from my buddy Mencius over at AnotherSunnyMorning.

I love the design of it, how it works from the actual Pokedex template of the Pokemon games.

Also, some of text and descriptions are a lot of fun, given that most of it is written in actual Pokemon syntax.

I especially the like “SERIOUS nature” and “Freezer Rage” elements of it, as they reflect my character quite accurately.

Anyway, given that I’ve been pumping out faux-Magic cards all this time, I figured it would be fun to take an opportunity to change things up by hosting a faux-Pokedex entry made by a good buddy of mine.

Mencius also made a Pokemon for himself as well, but I figure I’ll let him post it on his own blog.

Expect a link to that one somewhere down the road.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by; and make sure to take a look at AnotherSunnyMorning, I’m sure Mencius would appreciate it.

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sitting In On A Game Of Magic The Gathering

Today I had a chance to sit on my first Magic The Gathering tournament.

After having just done my Tactical Panda Magic card parody the other day, the tournament was kind of a nice surprise; being as Magic was obviously on my mind.

Back in the day, I never really got too into Magic.

I started around fifth edition, and though I played the game and collected the cards for a few years; I never got into it enough to learn the nuances of deck construction or skillful play.

Like many casual card game collectors, most of my fascination with trading card games sprung from the amazing quality of the artwork.

To date, I’ve collected or played Magic, Star Wars, Marvel Overpower, and Pokemon at various points in my youth; though my involvement with each never grew beyond a casual fascination.

Overpower: Fun Until Everybody Forgot How To Play...

Seeing Magic played by skillful players was actually kind of fun.

As is generally the case when watching/listening to things outside of your pool of knowledge, there was a lot of information that blew right over my head; however I was frequently surprised by how much of the core mechanics of the game I was able to remember.

Tapping mana, buffing creatures, managing upkeep, it all came back to me like I was some sort of long retired pro having flashbacks of my heyday.

Which is of course bullshit, being as I was never any good at Magic.

Pictured: How most Magic games involving The Azn Badger would usually end up. By the way, I'm the guy on the right.

I found it downright spellbinding how all the players in this evening’s tournament were able to cite familiarity with each other’s cards, to the point in which little or no explanation of each player’s intent and card capabilities was necessary, making for a far more streamlined experience than I was used to.

Hell, 80% of the time I spent playing Magic was devoted to my opponent and I reading our card abilities to each other and fiercely debating their fairness.

Anyway, I don’t have much to say about the tournament, other than the fact that it was a lot of fun to watch other (better) players tool around in a game I abandoned so many years ago.

I don’t see myself ever getting back into card games, but it was a fun trip down memory lane nonetheless.

Excuse me as I root through my old Magic cards in search of any rare or valuable ones that may have found their way into my collection…

Filed under: Comics, Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Azn Badger’s Top 25 NES Tracks, #20-16

Well folks, yesterday we covered #25-21 of the Top 25 NES Tracks.

That particular tier of the list was seemingly dominated by Sunsoft games, movie tie-ins, and sports games.

Funny how shit like that works out…

Anyway, today we’re taking our first step up in quality, from the bottom tier of the NES’ best, to the, uh, “slightly-higher-than-the-bottom” tier!

That being said, let’s get down to dah’ music!:

#20. Final Fantasy

“The Prelude”


Haha!  That’s right, SUCK IT fanboys!

Final Fantasy has never really held a special place in my heart.

Neither have RPGs for that matter.

I played the original Final Fantasy as a kid, and simply couldn’t get into it.

Similar to my experiences with the Zelda series, I felt I never knew what to do, or where to go, ultimately resulting in me wandering the landscape for a time, only to run into a pack of imps and get my party of green-as-fuck level 1 heroes ass-fucked into oblivion.

 

 

That's a lot of Imps...

 

To this day, I haven’t played a new Final Fantasy since VIII, and I haven’t truly enjoyed any since VI.

Yeah, VI was the shit…

 

Name another game where you can Suplex a fuckin' Train. I dare you.

 

That being said, my lack of appreciation for the Final Fantasy series is what places “The Prelude,a classic of gaming music history as old as myself; so low on this list.

It’s a beautiful, almost whimsical piece of music, that certainly still endures to this day, but to me; it’s just the title theme of a game I hated as a kid.

Did I mention all the fanboys can suck a big fat Blackanese cock?

 

 

...Or at the very least, a big black dildo.

 

#19. River City Ransom

“Boss Theme”


River City Ransom is AWESOMELY FUCKIN’ BADASS.

Seriously man, the guys over at Technos deserve a fuckin’ Earth Badge for everything they put into The City of River Ransoming, ’cause the whole game is a work of genius.

 

 

Unlike this man, who is sadly, NOT a Real Genius...

 

You take Double FUCKIN’ Dragon, which is already BADASS as is, then throw in some AWESOMELY shitty dialogue and a leveling/shopping system, and you’ve got the AWESOMELY FUCKIN’ BADASS game that is River City Ransom!

 

 

Game writing at it's finest.

 

Excuse me, I think I just came in my pants…

*Ahem!* Anyway, River City Ransom was, and is, an awesome game that I spent hours upon hours playing in my youth.

That being said, though there are many great pieces of memorable music in the game, most notably the standard street brawling theme and the shopping music, I feel that the track that best represents the game, is “The Boss Theme.”

Full of energy and pulse-pounding drama, “The Boss Theme” invokes all of the emotions that a boss theme should.

The only other track that could possibly eclipse it, is the River City Ransom version of the Double Dragon theme, though that loses out by a hair due to the fact that, well, the Double Dragon theme actually sounds a whole lot better in the Double Dragon series than it does here…

#18. Snow Bros.

“Stage 1 Theme”


You knew they were gonna’ pop on the list somewhere, but did you really think the crack covered snow men would rank so low?

When forming this list, I did what I could to check my ego at the door and really try and place these tracks appropriately.

While I love Snow Bros., and all of it’s music, deep down I knew that, musically speaking; it’s far from a work of art.

 

Unlike THIS, which is... Probably the most terrifying thing I've ever laid eyes upon...

 

As mentioned in my Snow Bros. article, the “Stage 1 Theme” is a piece of music that I hummed throughout my childhood, such that my mother still knows the tune to this day.

It’s a wonderfully light piece of cutesy music that has a “rotundness” to it that really goes well with the chubbiness and slow-footed nature of the title characters.

I love the “Stage 1 Theme,” and it pains me to place it at #18, but sadly I simply can’t justify placing it any higher.

*Sniff!* Fuckin’ principles n’shit, makin’ me shit on Snow Bros…

#17. Battletoads

“The Battletoads Theme”


There are few 8-bit era themes as rockin’ and kick-ass as “The Battletoads Theme,” and by golly, I love every note of it.

It was tempting to put the stupid-ass “Pause Screen” music on the list as another joke entry akin to Skate or Die 2, however I managed to restrain myself.

While the Battletoads game is, as indicated in one of my previous articles, far from one of my favorite games; the Battletoads themselves are a different story altogether.

In the early 90’s, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were king.

 

 

Gods among men, they were...

 

It doesn’t take a genius to see that the Battletoads, Biker Mice from Mars, Street Sharks and Extreme Dinosaurs were all lame attempts to cash in on their success.

 

Pictured: The Ninja Turtles for the UFC generation...

 

That being said, while very little of it actually came to fruition, the Battletoads were, at one point; in line to get their own cartoon, comic book, and action figures.

Because my brother and I had a subscription to Gamepro (back when it was actually good), we caught word of this very early on, and in fact were treated to a some of the early comics printed in the pages of the magazine.

 

Yeah, something tells me it was a GOOD thing this never got aired...

 

Needless to say, the Battletoads, despite starring in a series of games that were frustratingly difficult, were pushed on me pretty aggressively as a kid.

Whoever was head of the marketing department for the Battletoads deserves a pat on the back, ’cause despite having little to no positive memories of any Battletoads games, the ‘toads still have a place in my heart.

A lot of my love for the Battletoads though, springs from the awesomeness of their theme music, which is why it sits comfortably on this list at #17.

#16. StarTropics

“Dungeon Theme”


StarTropics was and is, a tremendously fun, rewarding, and unique game.

While I never actually beat it, (got close though) I have many fond memories of watching my brother play it day in and day out.

I loved the world map, and how it reminded me of Hawaii.

 

Heh heh, it's funny 'cause it's butt...

 

I loved the goofy noise the submersible made when it dived.

Most of all though, I loved the straightforward nature of the action levels and the “Dungeon Theme” that played over them.

The “Dungeon Theme” was unique in that, while most of environments that the action scenes took place in were scary looking caves, the music was very upbeat.

It had an island, almost calypso feel to it that really got you into the action, while giving everything a colorful and inviting feel to it.

It also did well to set up the drastic change in musical tonality that would occur when the “you’re getting close to the boss” music would transition over it.

Startropics is a game series that I could see myself sitting down and playing through someday.

It’s also a series that I sincerely hope gets a continuation or remake at some point.

Here’s to hoping for a return trip to C-Island someday…

 

 

Mike Jones: Adventurer, Hero, and Banana Holding Buffoon.

 

Thus concludes the slightly-higher-than-bottom tier of the Azn Badger’s Top 25 NES Tracks!

Check back tomorrow when we finally start getting to the good stuff in the middle-tier of the list!


Filed under: Games, Movies, The Top 25 NES Tracks, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

MASSIVE Summary of Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend, Part II

Welcome back to the Ultra Summary of “Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend!”

Yesterday we covered the film’s opening act, wherein the evil Ultraman Belial wrecked the Ultra Homeworld of the M-78 Nebula and set out on his way to summon an army of 100 giant monsters!

Read on to find out what happens next!

Our story resumes as we are whisked away to planet Dent, an Earth-like planet that Rei and the ZAP crew are currently assigned to explore.

It’s interesting to note that the folks at Tsuburuya managed to slip in a bit of fanservice here in form of giving that dick eater Musashi Haruno (from Ultraman Cosmos) a brief cameo.

Only God knows how many cocks have graced those lips...

Not 2 minutes after the ZAP crew touch down, a giant monster, Zaragas, shows up and tries to kill them.

"GET, IN, MAH' BELLAY!!!!!!!!"

Such is the life of a human in the Ultra universe.

The ZAP crew pull out their HANDGUNS and start plugging away at the 200 ft. tall Zaragas, only to find that it’s not very effective…

Fortunately, Rei, Pokemon master that he is, just happens to have just the Fighting Pokémon needed to carry the day.

"He's goin' for the Thai clinch!"

After a few Tail Whips and Quick Attacks, Rei orders Gomora to use Horn Drill, which, unbelievably, actually lands for a change and causes Zaragas to faint in one hit.

In truth, the wild Zaragas finds this particular form of penetration to be pleasurable rather than painful.

Following this, we are almost treated to some dialogue between the ZAP crew members, but just before they can open their mouths, Moebius drops in and… takes off into space with Rei in his hand.

The scene that follows is, in short, the plot.

Everything you need to know, every little bit of exposition you will ever need to understand just what’s going on in the movie, is covered in this one scene as Hibino Mirai/Ultraman Moebius talks at Rei.

Man, this guy's hair just gets more and more epic every time I see him...

Apparently Anakin, I mean Belial, was a young Ultraman way back when that broke the Ultra law and touched the Ultra Spark, sampling it’s power.

Cocaines' a hell of a drug...

Touching the Ultra Spark proves to be too much for young Belial, as it drives him nuts and gives him an insatiable lust for power, kind of like ‘roids.

With that, the Ultra brothers banish Belial and leave him out in deep space, where he becomes possessed by the power of an alien named Reiblood.

That'd be a helluva' thing to walk in on.

With his new powers in tow, as well as his Giga Battle Nizer, which gives him the power to control 100 monsters, Belial wages war on the Ultra homeworld.

Things go pretty much as they did earlier in the movie, except this time around, Mr. Deus Ex Machina himself, Ultraman King shows up.

Then one day, the great Burger King descended from the heavens, and all was good.

Long story shot, Belial gets thrown into the Rubik’s Cube/Phantom Zone and is never seen again… until 5 minutes into this movie.

Moebius explains to Rei that the alien that possessed Belial, Reiblood, just happens to be of the same race as Rei himself.

Through logic unknown to me, Moebius comes to the conclusion that Rei will be a key factor in winning the battle against Belial.

Meanwhile, Belial takes up residence at the Monster Graveyard, using the combined powers of the Ultra Spark and his Giga Battle Nizer to revive his army of 100 monsters.

Whoops. Somebody done overfed their gold fish...

Belial will spend the next half hour or so of the movie roasting marshmallows with his monster buddies.

Seriously, after freeing himself from imprisonment with a shit ton of gusto and brew-ha-ha, Belial spends a third of the movie doing jack shit.

Oh well, he might not do anything, but he at least sends some of his buddies to take out Moebius and Rei who’ve now decided to go back to the Ultra homeworld to snag the last bit of light that Taro managed to salvage.

Dorako, Bemustar and Salamandora get the jump on our heroes, then curiously decide to stand around and do nothing with the opportunity.

So... You guys just gonna' stand there, or what?

Fortunately, Belial saw fit to send Alien Shaplay to act as their wrangler.

And Shaplay done brought his gat’. That’s right, he been tuh’ prison.

That's right, Tec-9 in space. Fuckin' Gangsta'...

One of the most absurdly acrobatic shoot-outs in cinema history follows, complete with over-the-top tactical rolls and homages to Equilibrium’sGun Kata.

Yes, I own Equilibrium. And no, I don’t think it’s the best movie ever.

Moving on, Rei elects to let Mirai take on Shaplay all by his lonesome, reasoning that he will use the opportunity to take on the 3 giant monsters hanging out just over the hill by summoning Gomora.

Unfortunately, Rei slips and drops his Poké Balls, I mean Battle Nizer, into a crevice.

I hella' thought for sure he was gonna' Force Pull it to himself. No fooling.

At the same time, Alien Shaplay barfs gunk all over Mirai’s transformation device, the Moebius Brace, thereby restricting him to his human form.

Fortunately, Ultraseven’s capsule monsters, Windam, Mikuras and Agira show up to save everyone from the monsters that were in no way posing a threat.

"This is a real slobber-knocker!"

As the melee unfolds, Ultraman and Ultraseven, in human form, show up to aid our heroes in their respective crises.

In short, Dan Moroboshi helps Rei retrieve his Battle Nizer, and Shin Hayata uses an assault rifle(?) to put a few rounds in Shaplay, causing him to be buried by an avalanche.

What follows is one of the hokiest zoom-in reveals I can recall in recent history.

Ultraman gets HARDCORE.

With the monsters defeated for the moment, our band of heroes settle down for a Ultra Pow-Wow to discuss a plan to take on Belial.

Seeing as Ultramen aren’t exactly known across the universe as “planners” so much as “fighters,” their plan boils down to getting their powers back and recruiting Ultraseven’s conveniently over-powered son so they can get their lunch box back from Belial or some shit.

I don’t know; I wasn’t paying attention. 2 dialogue scenes in 45 minutes of fighting has a way of A.D.D-ing the fuck out of you.

It's a good thing that hood is blocking his view. That boys' eyeing him something fierce.

Also convenient however, is the fact that Ultraseven’s son is off on a faraway planet training with Ultraman Leo and his brother Astra.

Well, he isn’t exactly training so much as he’s going through a sort of initiation.

You see, he just happened to try and touch the Ultra Crack Rock, I mean Ultra Spark, just like Belial did.

Fortunately he was stopped just in time by Ace and Jack, who promptly sent him off to Ultra Rehab.

"Someone touched my ass!"

Anyway, in the present, we are shown clips of Ultraseven’s son sparring with Leo while Ultraman King looks on from above.

Seven’s son is, once again, conveniently clothed from the waist up in a suit of armor designed to encumber him so as to train his muscles or some shit, really though it’s just a clever way to mask his form until the final reel.

May I remind you, that these guys are supposed to be made of fucking LIGHT.

Well, because Rei didn’t get to use his Pokémon in that last battle, Shaplay, somehow freed from the avalanche, pops up again and throws out his strongest monster yet, Black King!

What follows is a brief skirmish, wherein Gomora pwns the shit out of ‘ole Black King.

My guess is that the “Black” in Black King’s name refers to him being a Dark type Pokémon, ’cause Gomora’s Fighting moves were super effective…

Anyway, Shaplay follows our heroes into the chamber housing Taro’s frozen body, then promptly proceeds to engage in another bullet ballet with them.

...which he promptly loses.

With Shaplay and Black King defeated, our heroes approach Taro’s frozen body, and retrieve the power they need to transform and combat Belial.

Mass nodding and transformation sequences follow shortly thereafter.

HENSHIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!!

With that, our heroes take off to face Belial for the final showdown.

Hang on, what now?

We’ve just hit the 50 minute mark, and our heroes are already on their way to the final battle?

Where they fuck did they hide the middle of the movie!?

*Sigh* Oh well, moving on…

Remember when I told you Belial spent a good third of the movie with his thumb up his butt?

Well, we’re now almost an hour into the movie and he’s still just sitting around marveling at the majesty of his pimp cane.

Dumb shit...

It’s not long however, before our heroes crash the party at the Space Graveyard and get ready to raise hell.

But not before Belial and Rei engage in the obligatory “Join the Dark Side” conversation.

Belial somehow reasons that, Rei should join him because they are of the same race.

Rei declares such words untrue, and therefore impossible, then summons Gomora and this faggety-ass CGI bird thing called Ritora.

In response, Belial uses his pimp cane to call out all 100 of his huge-ass bitches at once.

Goddamn 'dat be a lot ah' bitches...

What follows is perhaps the Ultra brawl to end all Ultra brawls.

The fight is energetic, colorful and well-shot, with virtually every one of the 100 monsters represented to some degree, however if ever there was a case to argue that 100 monsters is just too many for one movie, this would be it.

Black Joe layin' the smack down on Ultraseven.

Seriously, as awesome as this fight is, it goes on all the way to the end of the movie.

And remember, we’re barely an hour in.

Wow, that climax sure popped up early! Tune in tomorrow for Part III!

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