Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Unfortunate Animal Names: Cock of the Rock


Okay I have to admit, the name of today’s unfortunately named animal is actually quite the opposite of unfortunate.

Truth be told, the only reason this post has a similar heading as yesterday’s Chiff Chaff Warbler is because I’m a lazy bastard and didn’t feel like changing the name.

Anyway, as the title of this post would suggest, today we’re taking a moment to ponder on the goofy looking, but awesomely named bird that is the Cock of the Rock.

Truly, there are worse fates in this world than to be named after the genitals of The Most Electrifying Man In Sports Entertainment.

At the same time though, in looking upon the poofy and decidedly Koosh Ball-esque visage that is The Cock of the Rock, one can’t help but be taken aback.

Seriously man, in the realm of ugly birds, The Cock of the Rock may not be cock-face ugly like a Turkey or a Vulture… Or a Turkey Vulture for that matter; but even so, it goes without saying that The Rock’s Cock is far from a handsome bird.

Truth be told, when I first beheld the hideous majesty of The Rock’s Package, the first thing that came to mind was it’s uncanny resemblance to the Yip Yip’s from Sesame Street:

Pictured: Childhood.

Huh, now that I think about it, that’s not such a bad thing after all.

Leave it to The Most Electrifying Penis In Sports Entertainment to leave me utterly stumped when trying to derive humor from it’s less than electrifying appearance.

My sincere apologies to The Rock for whatever defamation of his package may have arisen from the crafting of this article.

I assure you, all of it was unintentional.

Well, maybe not all of it…

Anyway, hopefully we all learned something today, I know I did.

All hail The People’s Strudel:

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Rest In Peace Macho Man Randy Savage

Awhile back I posted on this blog about a nickname I received at work.

That nickname was of course, Bonesaw; Macho Man Randy Savage’s character from the 2002 Spider-Man movie:

Said nickname was given to me on account of my tendency to randomly spout off various Savage-isms with alarming regularity.

Yes, I have practiced my Randy Savage in the mirror, and yes; I am quite adept at mimicking the awesomeness of his majesty.

That being said, being as the Macho Man was taken from us earlier today; I feel it’s my duty to use this blog post to pay homage to his memory.

While I would consider myself a fan of wrestling, the majority of Randy Savage’s more famous moments actually came before my time.

Growing up, I caught the tail end of the classic era, and kept up with the WWF and WCW stuff all the way through the Monday Night Wars/Attitude era; essentially giving up on the “sport” around the time The Rock transformed from The Rock to his lesser equivalent, the appropriately named, Dwayne.

Through all of this, Randy Savage didn’t really have much of a presence for me in wrestling.

Where he did have my attention though, was on Saturday mornings where he would frequently interrupt my cartoons by blowing through walls n’shit to preach the word of the Slim Jim:

To date, I have yet to consume a Slim Jim, though I’d be lying if the Savage didn’t make me feel like I was missing out on something awesome.

While I don’t remember seeing the Macho Man actually wrestle all that often, I feel fortunate to have grown up watching his mic performances; as they were, and still are; some of the best of all time.

When I was a kid, the WWF was largely in transition; foolishly trying to outmode characters like the Macho Man, and replace them with unworthy “badasses” like Diesel, or the Ultimate Warrior.

This resulted in Randy Savage being cast off to the side, acting more like a manager than an actual wrestler.

This would carry on well into his tenure in the WCW, though not without good reason.

Simply put, the Macho Man was a wizard when it came to pageantry and mic skills.

Not long ago I posted a promo video of the Macho Man doing a promo for the new WWF All-Stars (no force on this Earth can make me say the “E”) videogame, and while he may have aged a great deal since we last saw him; holy fuck did he still have it:

Seriously man, if wrestlers these days could do half of what Randy Savage did on the mic, at any stage in his career; I’d still be watching today’s so-called wrestling.

That being said, while I wasn’t really around to see any of it; there was a time when Randy Savage was one of the best wrestlers in the business.

A long time ago I remember looking up the “best wrestling matches of all time,” and one match that kept popping up was of course Randy Savage’s energetic match with Ricky Steamboat at Wrestlemania III:

For it’s time, and by any standards really; this match was a testament to the power of in-ring storytelling.

Randy Savage was an exceptional wrestler, and an icon of my youth.

It saddens me to know that he’s gone, though I’m happy he decided to appear in the WWF All-Stars game.

The game might not be that great, but at least it’ll give the youth of today a little window into what wrestling was like with the Macho Man Randy Savage:

Colorful, exciting, and just plain BETTER.

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Summon The Rock!

I had a boatload of fun making this Magic card.

I think it goes without saying that my childhood was greatly influenced by the awesomeness that was The Rock, so consider the above a small tribute to him.

Seriously, the man had a profound ability to capture the imagination of his viewers to an extent few have been able to match.

Even my mom liked The Rock, and she thinks wrestling is the stupidest shit in the world.

*Sigh* Why’d he hafta’ go an’ turn into plain ‘ole Dwayne…

 

Oh well, at least he looks like he's sorry about it...

Anyway, I had a long day at work today, made tolerable by an epic session of The Pop Culture Game.

I don’t think I need to tell you that I absolutely DOMINATED the game, even going so far as to assist my opponent on numerous occasions just to keep the game going.

Now, if only I could find a way to get paid for having such an extensive knowledge of pop culture bullshit…

Anyway, g’night folks, see yah’ tomorrow!

Filed under: Games, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Master Lock Challenge

Back in 2005, my buddy Mencius and I happened upon a goofy ass storyline in the WWF regarding a wrestler by the name of “The Masterpiece” Chris Masters, and his so-called “Master Lock Challenge.”

Said challenge involved various wrestling personalities attempts to break out of Master’s submission finisher, The Master Lock.

 

So... He hits them with a STEEL bike lock?

Everyone from the top tier of the WWF roster, to Jerry “The King” Lawler himself; participated in The Master Lock challenge at some point, and for awhile it seemed like the behind the scenes writer’s had gone all-in on using The Master Lock challenge as a means of hyping Chris Masters.

“Seemed” my ass.¬† This really was the best they could do with a boring no-talent like Chris Masters…

Other than being unnaturally muscular, (as evidenced by his recent “deflation”) the man never really had much personality, mic skills, or even wrestling ability.

Fortunately, he was always quite competent at shoving his cock in people's faces.

Sadly, this seems to be the case with all wrestlers in the post-Attitude Era

Bitching aside, the reason I bring up The Master Lock Challenge, is because, honestly; I found it to be utterly hilarious.

The spectacle or dumbfuck-ery that was The Master Lock challenge consisted of the following:

A steel chair (chairs are always made of steel in wrestling, even when they’re made of wood) is placed in the center of the ring, and the participant in the challenge is instructed to sit in it.

From that point, Chris Masters literally creeps up behind them, and after a great number of false starts and feigned drama; hooks his arms under the challengers armpits, clasps his hands together, yanks them out of the chair, and puts them in a full nelson.

That’s right boys and girls, Chris Master’s inescapable, infallible, match-ending submission technique, was little more than your garden variety full nelson:

Once the full nelson, excuse me; “Master Lock,” is locked in, the challenger then proceeds to thrash around and butt bop Masters against the ring posts until they ultimately succumb to the overwhelming epic awesomeness of The Master Lock.

The Master Lock Challenge carried Masters to (unwarranted) main event status in the WWF, and continued to be a major selling point for his character for several years.

Truth be told, my mock fascination with The Master Lock Challenge fizzled out after only a few weeks.

I suppose it’s worth mentioning that my very genuine interest in pro wrestling went in the shitter around the time The Rock became forever more known solely as “Dwayne.”

"Hey it's The Rock! No wait... Nevermind, it's just Dwayne..."

To my knowledge, The Master Lock Challenge was broken at some point, by the equally talentless and prohibitively swollen Bobby Lashley.

I swear man, wrestlers these days have to take it easy on the body building and GO TO FUCKING SCHOOL.

FUCKING. SCHOOL.

I don’t care how “ripped” you are, or how “awesome” your image is, learn to fuckin’ wrestle, or get the fuck out.

*Sigh* You have no idea how much I want to like wrestling, only to be reminded every time I flip it on to to see what’s up; just how far it’s fallen…

Anyway, I’d like to take this opportunity to mention that these stupid-ass Magic cards I’ve been pumping out over the past several days, are likely going to be a regular element of the blog from now on.

I know a lot of you probably don’t “get” the joke of most of them, but that’s your problem, not mine.

I’ve been straining to find material to write about as of late, and I think “art-ing” on photoshop every now and again has been good for me.

Art has always been kind of therapeutic for me, so expect to see lots of stupid Magic cards whenever I find I have nothing to write.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Wolverine and The X-Men: WTF?

Huh?

Maybe it’s just me being anal about my comic book shit, but when I ran across this DVD at work today, I couldn’t help but throw up my Corporate Eyebrow in confusion.

For the sad individuals that are unaware, the Corporate Eyebrow is this:

But using the opposite eyebrow.

Strangely enough, I have difficulty executing the People’s Eyebrow

Oh well, perhaps I’m not worthy of it’s majesty.

*Ahem!* ANYWAY, my confusion in regards to this DVD cover, springs from two aspects of it:

1. The fact that the title of the TV series is Wolverine and The X-Men.

2. The fact that somebody was actually dumb enough to title this particular segment of the show “Final Crisis.”

Keep in mind, I know nothing of this cartoon, nor do I have the patience to research it.

While both of these are admittedly minor points, let’s take a moment and address this point by point, shall we?

Wolverine is not a leader of the X-Men.

Nor is he a Jew, but apparently nobody told this guy...

In the comics, Cyclops has recently attained the status of being the undisputed team/spiritual leader of the entire X-Men organization.

Tee hee, I used to like him 'cause he wore glasses...

I’m not sure how things work these days in the X-Men, (frankly I don’t give a shit) but back in the 90’s, Storm and Cyclops headed the Blue and Gold teams of the X-Men, effectively splitting command between the 2 of them.

The simplest explanation as to why Wolverine would receive the top billing in this particular X-Men cartoon, is the fact that Wolverine is an absurdly popular character that is probably better known and loved than the entirety of the X-Men universe.

Even more than Dazzler!? Surely everybody kno... Nah, who am I kidding, everybody hates Dazzler...

Personally, I’ve always liked Wolverine when he was detached from the X-Men, as he is definitely an interesting and fun character, but whenever he’s with the X-Men all he seems to do is pine for Jean Grey (living or deceased, doesn’t matter), get into cock fights with Cyclops, and have awkward moments with whatever jailbait X-Men is popular at the moment.

Yeah, I’m not kidding about that last part.

Ever hear of Illyana Rasputin, Shadowcat, Jubilee, and X-23?

Wolverine = Pedo.

Yeah, they all wanted his nuts SO bad…

Except maybe X-23, she doesn’t want nobody.

Plus, she technically is Wolverine, so I don’t even wanna’ think about the chemistry involved in the result of a “pairing” between those 2…

Oh, that's not so bad.

Anyway, I understand using the Wolverine character and name to put asses in the seats, but did they really have to shit on the X-Men name like that?

Besides, we all know Colossus is a hundred times cooler than Wolverine…

As much as I love him, we all know that Colossus would get his ass kicked if he tangled with the Juggernaut...

My other gripe about this DVD cover, was the fact that they titled this miniseries, “Final Crisis.”

Why does that bother me, you ask?

Because “Final Crisis” is the name of a very recent major DC Comics event.

*Cough!* Kind of a big deal...

Okay fine, this one isn’t so much a “gripe,” as it is a cause for confusion.

In the comics world, the word “Crisis” has a a very unique meaning.

Whenever it is spoken, any self-respecting comic reader’s mind invariably thinks “DC.”

Ever since the revolutionary 1985 release of DC’s first major crossover, Crisis on Infinite Earths, the word “Crisis” has always referred to an event involving the DC comics multiverse.

Whoops! Spoiler Alert!

Needless to say, to use the term “Crisis” in a Marvel product is a major no-no in the industry.

To actually go ahead and use the full title of a “Crisis” storyline as the title of a Marvel product, is straight up blasphemy.

BLASPHEMY.

Like I said, I understand that everything I’ve been babbling about in this post is just me nit-picking, but understand this:

I was at work for 10 hours today, and this was the one element of my day that I took the time to remember.

Needless to say, it was a slow fucking day.

Maybe you’ll all get lucky and something cool with happen to me tomorrow.

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Donate